Dec 17, 2010

Query: Lizzie Brogan and The Broadway Ghost.

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.

Two months before Lizzie is to leave for Brooklyn to complete a project for her parents, her mother sends her Aunt Annie May's giant tramp steamer trunk and her theatrical trunk from The Belasco. Her instructions are to help Annie get to the stage door of the theatre by first call to meet her true love, Dan "Curley" O'Brien.

A simple task but for the fact Annie May, once a successful musical star on Broadway, has been dead for twenty-seven years.

Lizzie traveled the globe for years, trying to run away from herself. Once settled in Brooklyn, she begings to confront her past and her true feelings for James, her childhood sweetheart. While they begin to rebuild their burned bridges and Curley waits each night at the stage door of the Belasco Theatre, time is running out for Annie.

Lizzie must learn how to use her long dormant power of enchantment before her aunt is lost for eternity in the cold gray fog between two worlds and she is killed by three evil faires bent on capturing her soul and her gift.

Lizzie Brogan and The Broadway Ghost, a paranormal romance complete at 90,000 words attempts to pair two lovers in our world and reunite two lost lovers in the afterworld.


I have read your website and believe my work reflects the work of other authors you currently represent. A romance novel, what sets Lizzie apart is the theme of the New York City Broadway stage, the Bishop of Broadway himself and a glimpse of an afterworld where the show is always in rehersal and the lights never go out.
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CHAPTER ONE

My mother carried me to the attic for years, at first holding me in her arms and then later, guiding me up the long circular staircase leading from the second floor hall.

She explained that what looked like a giant's suitcase was a trunk. She told me what it was called and as the late afternoon sun angled through the tiny dormer window above us, she opened its four compartments to show me its magical contents. "This was your Aunt Annie's trunk. She's an angel in heaven now, but she left this for you, Elizabeth."

She loved to tell me about my aunt's life as a Broadway star, read from newspapers and magazines and brought her to life for me. "This is the dress Aunt Annie wore the night she won a very big award, called the Toni."

My questions about her were endless. "If she left the trunk to me, why can't I have it in my bedroom?"

"You're still too young, Elizabeth."

"When I get older enough, can I wear her pretty dresses?"

"No dear, those dresses are for you to hold, not to wear."

I loved to play in the dark corners of the attic, peeking into the boxes of my sister's and brother's childhood keepsakes; an old prom dress that Moira had worn, my brother Michael's football uniform, trophies and photographs, dusty lamps and some old furniture. The attic was a child's playground, and being too young to play with my siblings, I dug through their treasures and imagined stories of them. None could compare to the treasures held in the giant trunk and no stories as fantastic as those of Annie May.

The first time I saw her, she was pale and gray, like smoke curling up from the corner of the room. I was six and went to the attic to play with my sister's pompoms. I walked slowly toward the corner of the room where the giant tramp steamer trunk sat, nestled under the cross beams of the roof.

I thought I saw her smile. "Hello?"

A clear image of a woman turned and waved, "Hello yourself, Elizabeth," and in an instant the smoke curled downward into the trunk and vanished.

8 comments:

Florence said...

Bad week to do this. Maybe I'll repost it after January.

Anonymous said...

People tend to comment less frequently with each revision. But you do have a couple typos there that need fixing.

Florence said...

Thanks anon. I'll look that over again. Rick misunderstood. This is a completely different book but for the name LIzzie Brogan in the title and should not have been a contuation of the previous novel.

Oh, well. I'll make that adjustment and repost end of Jan when the rush of the holidays has ended.

Rick Daley said...

Woops! My bad, sorry about that.

I just checked Google analytics, and traffic is down on the site. Submissions have been low lately, too. I can re-post this in early January.

Anonymous said...

I would have made the same mistake. It appears to be the same character, setting, and sitch.

Kaleen said...

Just wanted to leave a few comments. I hope this doesn't come across as harsh, because this story sounds intriguing, but if you're like me, you like blunt, constructive feedback.
Paragraph 1: Mentioning that she is 2 months away from leaving to complete a project for her parents seems like a waste of word count, since I can not see where this comes up again in the query. Make the first line a hook. Also, is it extremely important that Lizzie gets two trunks? ("giant tramp steamer trunk and her theatrical trun from The Belasco" is wordy. How about Aunt Annie May's belongings, or something like that?). "Her instructions..." who is "her"- if it is Annie, then this sentence would read Annie's instructions are to help Annie- who leaves instructions to themselves in a trunk?- clarify this whole sentence, as "first call" also muddles it.
Paragrah 2- "A simple task but for the fact Annie May" try: It would be a simple task, except Annie May has been dead...
Paragraph 3- you go from talking about Annie May's trunk and some kind of wishes from the other side to Lizzie travelling the globe and James. I get that Curley is Aunt Annie's love, but it's not clear if Curley is dead as well.
Paragraph 4- Lizzie has a dormant power of enchantment and there's evil faires? This seems to jump out of nowhere.
It's hard to get a sense of what the conflict is, and what the stakes are.
Again, hope I'm not being too harsh.

Florence said...

Kaleen: Never, never think you are too harsh when you are giving honest feedback. I don't think this comment will find you, but if it does, I read something about queries on Jane Freidman's blog that blew me away.

I am actually doing a rewrite of Lizzie, so she is different from the last two times. Now I have a query.

If you see this comment, if any of you see this comment, jump in. Otherwise, I'll try putting it back up as a "new" book in Feb.
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Dear whoever:

Lizzie's instructions are to help Aunt Annie May get to the stage door of the Belasco Theatre by first call to meet her true love. It should be a simple task, but for the fact that Annie, once a successful musical star on Broadway, has been dead for twenty-seven years.

Being a modern woman, Lizzie has little faith in ancient charms, tales of the fae or finding out her grandmother's power was passed to her at birth; a power she must learn to use before Annie is lost between two worlds and she is killed by those bent on capturing her gift.

Lizzie Brogan and The Broadway Ghost, a paranormal romance complete at 90,000 words pairs two lovers in our world and reunites two lost lovers in the afterworld. What sets Lizzie apart is the theme of the New York City Broadway stage, the Bishop of Broadway himself and a glimpse of an afterworld where the show is always in rehersal and the lights never go out.


=======then a standard end Para.===

Hope you find me again.

Rick Daley said...

Do you want me to post the query in your last comment as a revision?