Dec 23, 2010

Query- All Because of You (Fourth Revision)

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.

Dear [Agent Name],

Forced to commit murder in order to survive, Adelaide Banvard can’t rid herself of the demon in her mind. Faithful to the end, she’s stood at the side of Christian Wren, one of the most powerful men in Los Angeles and the only asset capable of keeping her violent tendencies at bay. For the past ten years, she’s been dedicated to his cause, the schizophrenic monster in her head enjoying every moment of pain delivered and every drop of blood on her hands as she grows eager to take control of her own life, one that doesn’t consist of orders and demands.

Her opportunity comes in the form of ATF Agent Marcus Grant, a man whose assignment is to apprehend Wren, the suspected leader behind one of the largest gunrunning operations California has ever seen. Adelaide’s loyalties are tested at every turn as she fights her way out of Wren’s organization, battles the illusions in her head, and tries to conceal the attraction she feels for the ATF agent who wants her for murder.

ALL BECAUSE OF YOU is suspenseful commercial fiction complete at 75,000 words. I have a degree from Utah Valley University in the field of Psychology, owning accurate knowledge on the subject of Schizophrenia. I have included [whatever they request] per your submission guidelines. Thank you for your time and consideration.

4 comments:

Anne Gallagher said...

This is the best of the best of them I think. Only one little thing...

Faithful to the end... I would delete just this phrase, it makes me think Faithful to the end of what?

Other than that, I like. Best of luck.

Anonymous Author said...

Yeah, it's better than the others. Two words that feel out-of place are "asset" and "owning."

The Las Vegas Writer said...

Thanks, guys!

Emily J said...

Paragraph 1:
“Forced to commit murder in order to survive, Adelaide Banvard can’t rid herself of the demon in her mind.” <- interesting opening sentence however the next sentence feels tangential, what about the murder? What about the demon in her mind? I would like that explained. “Faithful to the end,”  this begs two questions, to whom is she faithful and until what end? It’s a bit confusing. “she’s stood at the side of Christian Wren,”  made me think of Christopher Wren, is that intentional? “ one of the most powerful men in Los Angeles and the only asset”  agree with other comment that ‘asset’ is odd word choice, takes me right out of the story, if it is being used in a specific capacity I think it needs to be explained more “capable of keeping her violent tendencies at bay. For the past ten years, she’s been dedicated to his cause,” and here the sentence changes course  “the schizophrenic monster in her head” again, what monster? What demon? I need a little more info here! If she has schizophrenia I find that an odd way to categorize it, or is she possessed by a schizophrenic monster, exactly how many voices is she hearing?! “enjoying every moment of pain” what pain? Whose pain? “delivered and every drop of blood on her hands” whose blood? Who did she murder? “as she grows eager to take control of her own life,” why doesn’t she have control over her life/ who HAS control? “one that doesn’t consist of orders and demands.” Whose orders/whose demands? Although the prose here is fine, do you see how you are raising a ton of questions but not answering them? Leaving us in the dark about some things is acceptable but here I don’t even have enough information to determine genre. Thriller? Or fantasy? Is that a literal or figurative demon in her head?

Paragraph 2
“Her opportunity”  what opportunity? To gain control over her life etc.? That metaphor is rather unclear “comes in the form of ATF Agent Marcus Grant, a man whose assignment is to apprehend Wren, the suspected leader behind one of the largest gunrunning operations California has ever seen.” Ok, more specifics is good, Wren = arms dealer/shady dude. I thought he was an architect! “Adelaide’s loyalties are tested at every turn” at every turn strikes me as a cliché (ouch) “as she fights her way out of Wren’s organization, battles the illusions in her head, and tries to conceal the attraction she feels for the ATF agent who wants her for murder.”

Paragraph 3
“ALL BECAUSE OF YOU is suspenseful commercial fiction complete at 75,000 words. I have a degree from Utah Valley University in the field of Psychology, owning” owning? Is that the right verb here? “accurate knowledge on the subject of Schizophrenia. I have included [whatever they request] per your submission guidelines. Thank you for your time and consideration.”

This sounds like a story I could really be interested in. The first paragraph feels a bit too general though. I think this would benefit from a bit more plain language and a few more details to ground it in reality. Also really curious as to how Wren keeps her violent tendencies at bay. What form of schizophrenia does Adelaide suffer from, is she on medication? Again, although you can clearly write this all seems a bit too generic I would love some specificity. Of course I have not read your previous versions so I’m coming in blind.