Mar 16, 2009

QUERY - BAGASTANA

A revision of this query has been posted. Click here to read it.

Dear Ms. Agent:

There is a huge grizzly bear in their parents' bedroom.
This comes as rather a shock to Mina and Darwin, but they don't have time to think much about it before they and the bear fall through the portal into another world, Bagastana. As soon Bear sees what has happened, she begins to swear in quite forceful and creative ways, because getting the kids back home is going to be a challenge. The only known portal back is far away; it is guarded by a powerful creature who calls himself “The Maker,” and he will kill Mina and Darwin if he discovers who they really are.

Along the way, the twins encounter shape-shifting animals who worship a deceitful tiger; they are kidnapped by giant ants, forced undercover by misogynist horses, nearly devoured by eagles, and asked to make a great sacrifice by evangelizing fish. Mina and Darwin begin to develop their own magical abilities, and as they grow in power and knowledge, they begin to understand why the Maker would want them dead. They also learn how the Maker imprisons some of those who challenge him in his Living Clay, where they are unable to see, hear, breathe, or die.

BAGASTANA is the story of two young people who, while trying to get home, discover who they really are along the way. Like Pullman's GOLDEN COMPASS or L'Engle's A WRINKLE IN TIME, the story of Bagastana is multi-layered with deeper meanings. This novel is complete at 73,700 words; it can be marketed in the commercial-literary genre or as YA fantasy (no sex or profanity, although the religious symbolism might be a bit controversial).

I was born and raised in suburban New Jersey, but I managed to escape. After attending Yale as an undergraduate and getting my Ph.D. in psychology from Rutgers, I took a job with University of Maryland's overseas teaching program, living in several different cultures, many of which I've drawn on for this novel. I moved back to the U.S. in December.

Please contact me if you are interested in receiving a partial or the complete manuscript. The first chapters also are available on my website at http://www.mywebsite.com/writing.

Thank you for your time, and take care!
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5 comments:

Bethanne said...

this sounds great. I would tighten the first two paragraphs. Hmm, like the line about Bear swearing in forceful and creative ways. This is detail and action specific and you might not need that kind of stuff in a very short synopsis. I like the second paragraph. If you could more quickly intro the kids, you'd have me (not that that matters! LOL)

The bio is almost too personal...i think. Then again, it shows voice and personality. For me? I would probably keep that paragraph a little more on the professional side. You want to show them you can be serious, too.

I hear publishers don't like when stuff is published online. blurbs, okay. excerpts, not so much. I might remedy that and lose that part of the query anyway. They don't have time to go to your webpage and look for your sample pages... Just add your web address in your signature...is what I would do. If they like what they see, they'll probably swing by.
Good Luck!

March 16, 2009 at 10:15 PM
Anette J Kres said...

Third paragraph: Suggest dropping everything in parentheses. Suggest rounding word count to the nearest thousand. Suggest choosing a market. It sounds like a YA or MG fantasy.
For your bio, only include info that is directly tied to the novel. You can probably shorten that paragraph to “I’ve lived in several cultures, which I’ve drawn on for this novel.” You probably don’t need the second to last paragraph. If they’re interested, they’ll contact you. Take care sounds unprofessional.
The rest of the query – the story part of it – is pretty unclear. Your story seems more about the journey than the Maker, but the maker is the only antagonist I see. I think you should start your query with the biggest conflict. Probably “Twins Mina and Darwin fall into Bagastana and must undergo a dangerous journey to get back home.” Or something similar, but in your words. Then, “Bear feels responsible for getting the twins home. It will be a long journey to the portal, which is guarded by the Maker, a powerful creature that would kill the children if given the chance.” That shortens your first paragraph to the necessary info and leaves you room for more details. The second paragraph looks pretty good, though the living clay stuff at the end loses me. Best of luck revising.

March 17, 2009 at 9:41 AM
Anonymous said...

I'd just like to point out a few things that may be a hinderance:

"Like Pullman's GOLDEN COMPASS or L'Engle's A WRINKLE IN TIME, the story of Bagastana is multi-layered with deeper meanings"

Comparing your book to others(some agents laugh, others frown,some might let you get away with it if they like the premise and your sample pages - if they allow pages with queries)

"This novel is complete at 73,700 words; it can be marketed in the commercial-literary genre or as YA fantasy (no sex or profanity, although the religious symbolism might be a bit controversial)."

Most agents expect you to tell them what genre it best fits in. Because it's your book after all.

Also, for some reason this reads more like a middle grade book than YA (14 and up). I guess it's because of all their adventures and creatures they meet.

And I agree with the other poster who said your bio is too personal.
Brief, and info on any published works helps.

March 17, 2009 at 3:23 PM
Disgruntled Bear said...

Thanks to Bethanne, Anette, and Anon for your comments. I've used your feedback and made some changes; please see below:

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

There is a huge grizzly bear in the bedroom.

Mina and Darwin don't have time to think much about this before they and the bear fall through the portal into another world, Bagastana, "the place of the gods," where the supernatural beings from all the world's mythologies live. Getting back home is going to be a challenge, even with Bear's grudgingly offered asssistance. The only known portal back is far away; it is guarded by a powerful creature who calls himself “The Maker,” and he will kill Mina and Darwin if he discovers who they really are.

Along the way, the twins encounter shape-shifting animals who worship a deceitful tiger; they are kidnapped by giant ants, forced undercover by misogynist horses, nearly devoured by eagles, and asked to make a great sacrifice by evangelizing fish. Mina and Darwin begin to develop their own magical abilities, and as they grow in power and knowledge, they begin to understand why the Maker would want them dead. They also learn how the Maker imprisons some of those who challenge him in his Living Clay, where they are unable to see, hear, breathe, or die.

BAGASTANA is the story of two young people who, while trying to get home, discover who they really are. The story is multi-layered with deeper religious and political meanings, and this YA fantasy novel is complete at 73,000 words.

I was born and raised in suburban New Jersey, but I managed to escape. After attending Yale as an undergraduate and getting my Ph.D. in psychology from Rutgers, I taught in several different countries and cultures, many of which I've drawn on for this novel. I moved back to the U.S. in December.

March 19, 2009 at 8:23 PM
Rick Daley said...

Bear,

If you re-submit I'll post the revision and link the old and the new queries together. Just submit it like you did the first one, and add (Revision #) in the title:

QUERY - BAGSTANA (Revision 1)

March 19, 2009 at 9:10 PM

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