A second revision of this query has been posted. Click here to read it.
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear XXXXX,
LAZY CATS is a 60,000 word, work of Women’s fiction.
Author Maggie Weather’s glass (slipper) would be more than half full if it wasn’t for those pesky mice.
Just Maggie’s luck! Seven years in a comfortable marriage, one night of shamefully exciting sex, then poof, her husband’s gone without an explanation.
Did he run off with his secretary Tracy Morgan? Highly unlikely, she was just a temptation that got out of hand.
Did Maggie’s wanton behavior drive him away? Possibly, Chris had always kept Maggie on a pedestal. Their one night of uninhibited sex might have tarnished her halo.
Did he get tired of the peaceful country life where Maggie insisted they live? Doubtful, he seemed to enjoy the quiet after a busy day in the City.
Did Maggie’s latest story have anything to do with her husband’s disappearance? YES!
Maggie had no idea Chris had been secretly reading about Sarah.
“An undemanding woman, content living in the shadow of her puffed up husband, keeping a clean house, being the ideal wife, Sarah loses herself and gives up her dream of becoming a famous writer. But when her selfish husband goes too far, stepping out on her, Sarah cleverly plots his murder. Mouse poison should take care of a rat.”
Maggie and Sarah have a lot in common. The women even write alike. There is one big difference though, Maggie is real and Sarah is only a figment of Maggie’s imagination. But both women scare the hell out of their cheating husbands.
Thank you for your time. My contact information is listed below for your convenience.
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7 comments:
I am confused. Is Chris the husband? The name is dropped half-way through the story. What happened to the pesky mice (why are they even mentioned)? I can't tell if this story has a fantastic element to it.
There IS something intriguing about the voice: I expect the story to be fun, light, enjoyable.
But I am not clear about the story and what it's about. I see Maggie who apparently had a one-night stand with someone and is "wanton" - but then the query mentions "cheating husbands" - aren't both spouses cheating? What's the conflict, what does Maggie want?
Hope this helped.
I'm confused here, too. There are too many names, and no way to tell them apart. I think you're trying to tell too much of the plot, and it's dizzying.
The 60,000-word range is acceptable for romance novels, but most novels average 80,000-100,000 words. That might be a turn-off to agents from the start.
I've read on some agent blogs that they dislike being asked plot-point questions in a query. Be careful with that.
I agree with the other commenter that the voice is intriguing. You have a great start here! Don't give up.
I agree with the others that you do have a good voice, which is very important in attracting an agent, but I think you can shorten this quite a bit.
I would take out the first line. It doesn't really fit with the rest of the query and I would start with the second sentence.
"Just Maggie’s luck! Seven years in a comfortable marriage, one night of shamefully exciting sex, then poof, her husband’s gone without an explanation."
I would then skip most of the questions. It is a little repetative and gets annoying after a while IMHO. I think you only need three questions. Was it her wanton behavior? Was it him running off with the sectretary? Or was it her latest novel?
I don't think you should give answers to these questions either. Leave the reader wondering which reason he ran off.
Then I think you continue on after the "YES" with the rest of your query. The ending is the most intrigueing part to me. I really like this idea.
Great premise. I think your query is almost there.
I hope this helps.
Thank you, Is it allowable to sharpen the query and repost it? I like the suggestions you've given.
Jan
Dear XXXXX,
LAZY CATS is a 60,000 word, work of Women’s fiction.
Just Maggie’s luck! Seven years in a comfortable marriage, one night of shamefully exciting sex, then poof, her husband’s gone without an explanation.
Did he run off with his secretary, Tracy Morgan?
Perhaps Maggie’s own wanton behavior drove him away.
Could Maggie’s latest story have anything to do with her husband’s disappearance? YES!
Maggie had no idea Chris had been secretly reading about Sarah.
“An undemanding woman, content living in the shadow of her puffed up husband, keeping a clean house, being the ideal wife, Sarah loses herself and gives up her dream of becoming a famous writer. But when her selfish husband goes too far, stepping out on her, Sarah cleverly plots his murder. Mouse poison should take care of a rat.”
Maggie and Sarah have a lot in common. The women even write alike. There is one big difference though, Maggie is real and Sarah is only a figment of Maggie’s imagination. But both women scare the hell out of their cheating husbands.
Thank you for your time. My contact information is listed below for your convenience.
raymond@threeriver.net
Tracy Morgan is the guy from Saturday Night Live and 30 Rock. I'd change that name if I were you.
Hi Jan,
I just posted your revision. It has the saem tag, so you can find it under "Women's Fiction"
I added (Revision 1) to the post title, too.
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