Aug 17, 2010

Query - RAINGUN (sixth revision)

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Click here to read the fourth revision.
Click here to read the fifth revision.

A hard choice looms ahead for Rick Rivoire.

Last year he joined the Rainguns, an elite regiment of spellcasting cavalry. Since then, he's protected the people of Foverre from pirates, monsters, and foreign invasion. He's attained social status, financial independence, and confidence with women. Most precious of all, he's matured. He’s stopped wallowing in bitter childhood memories.

But Foverre is shifting its policies now, embracing slavery and religious persecution. Public discontent grows until civil war becomes inevitable. Joining a rebellion could land Rick on a prison ship, in slave-irons --- or on the same gallows where he watched his father hang.

The alternative looks no brighter. The status quo imperils Rick’s hard-won self-respect. Supporting tyranny would doom his quest to emulate the valiant swordswoman who rescued him at age nine from torture and worse.

The army has no room for fence-sitters. Can Rick keep defending a government he once admired, though its actions now disgust him? Or will he risk all he's achieved to chase justice?

This fantasy novel is Raingun. The era, musket and pike. It has about 90,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

1 comment:

Mesmerix said...

First off, I read the other revisions and this one is a huge improvement. You clearly present the character of Rick and the choice/conflict being made while incorporating action and setting.

Here's my criticism:

1) The first sentence is telling, not showing. Start with "Last year Rick Rivoire joined the Rainguns." Show me his choice, don't tell me he's going to make one.

2) "Most precious of all, he's matured." Sounds odd to me, out of voice. My suggestion, "Most importantly, he's stopped wallowing in bitter childhood memories."

3) The 2nd to last paragraph where the questions are asked reminds me of corny voiceovers in movie trailers. I would drop the questions, say something about his difficult choice instead, but that's mostly personal preference.

4) Last paragraph should be simply, "RAINGUN is a musket and pike era fantasy novel complete at 90,000 words."

I think, otherwise, the query is very good. The setting as a "musket and pike" fantasy really stands out to me as unique and I think, maybe, you should add something about this earlier to capture interest. You could also tighten some sentences to cut fluff details so you could add in the extra words about the era. There's a lot going on and you work it in really well. Again, a fantastic improvement from the previous revisions. Best of luck!!

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