Nov 14, 2010

The End Begins - 7th Revision

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Click here to read the fourth revision.
Click here to read the fifth revision.
Click here to read the sixth revision.

The Magic Academy of the Nine was the promising stage for the next evolution of Man. For Raiana Okard, an under appreciated academic, she could feel the change when she surpassed everyone’s expectations and became a spokeswoman for her community. But her confidence in the world she knew was shattered when she discovers her people are being harvested for the power-giving crystals in their bodies. Just before she succumbs to the same fate, the price for her snooping, she escapes to the United States.

Targeted as a threat to her oppressors, The Coalition, Rai trades her services to a military union for protection, whose might is a derivative of her own power – melding human flesh to supercharged quartz. On the turn of a dime, shaky peace will become undeniable war. And the Union wants to shake the enemies grasp on stolen resources before that happens. With no choice but to follow their orders, Rai plunges headlong into treacherous territory to take over and protect a fort of vital resources.

Rai’s will to survive is constantly tested as fatigue sets in. She feels the eyes of her enemies everywhere, but must remain vigilant in adapting to their offenses. While The Union gains momentum, Rai’s loyalty waivers once she realizes her decisions could inadvertently bring about her community’s destruction.

THE END BEGINS, at 90,000 words, is my first science fiction novel.

5 comments:

Anonymous Author said...

Okay. I didn't comment on earlier versions of this because I couldn't figure out what was going on.

Now I want to talk to you about sentence structure.

First of all, you should put this whole thing in the present tense. Right now you're shifting tenses, as in this sentence:

But her confidence in the world she knew was shattered when she discovers her people are being harvested for the power-giving crystals in their bodies.

It starts out in the past tense and ends in the present tense.

Next, simplify all your sentences. Do away with any in which an inanimate object or an inchoate concept is the actor, as in the above sentence, and in:

Rai’s will to survive is constantly tested as fatigue sets in.

Instead, make people, eg Rai, the subject of the sentence.

Watch out, too, for what I call "National Geographic sentences"-- sentences beginning with a dependent clause:

Targeted as a threat to her oppressors, The Coalition, Rai trades...

(Of the four sentences in that paragraph, three are National Geographic sentences.)

Try starting out your query with a sentence that has Rai as the subject.

Anonymous said...

(On second glance, I guess one of those three sentences actually begins with a phrase, not a clause.)

Jeff said...

Thanks for your tips Anon.

I've been having some issues with the past/present as I've tried to keep it present, but I guess I'm just not doing it very well. So I'll stick with past tense.

Thanks! :)

Stephanie M. Lorée said...

Jeff: A query should be entirely in present tense. If you use past at all it should be sparingly. Novels are different matters and can be whatever you want.

Jeff said...

Ooopps. Meant Present.

Thanks again guys :)