Nov 7, 2010

Query - All Because of You (Third Revision)

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.

Dear Awesome Future Agent,

Forced to kill for sport until the age of sixteen, Adelaide Banvard has been kept at the side of Christian Wren, one of the most powerful men in Los Angeles and the man she feels indebted to for saving her life. For ten years she’s been dedicated to his cause, the schizophrenic monster in her head enjoying every moment of pain delivered and every drop of blood on her hands. But Adelaide finally has the chance to escape this existence of violence, eager to live a life of her own.

Her opportunity comes in the form of ATF Agent Marcus Grant, a man whose assignment is to apprehend Wren, the suspected leader behind one of the largest gunrunning operations California has ever seen. Adelaide’s loyalties are tested at every turn as she fights her way out of Wren’s organization and tries to conceal the attraction she feels for the ATF agent who wants her for murder.

ALL BECAUSE OF YOU is an 85,000-word suspense. I have a degree from Utah Valley University in the field of Psychology, owning accurate knowledge on the subject of Schizophrenia and would be glad to send you my complete manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

4 comments:

Anonymous Author said...

This is more concise, but still the same logical problem: When you've murdered people, living a life of your own is generally no longer an option. So the premise of your MC's choice is flawed.

I assume this makes sense in the novel, but you've got to find a way to have it make sense in the query.

Anonymous said...

I am still hung up on her age. She was forced to kill until she was 16 and then she's spent 10 years at his side. If she is 16, the ATF agent romance sounds creepy and leads me to believe she's killed since she was 6. If she killed til she became 16 and hasn't killed for the last ten years, making her 26, ATF agent romance not creepy but I don't understand the significance or reason she was a killer until 16. I hate doing math in my head ;)

The Las Vegas Writer said...

She was forced to kill until 16 when she was saved by Christian. Now, she is 26, Schizophrenic, and has spent the last 10 years by his side doing whatever he asks, including murder and theft. I can't think of any other way to put it...

Anonymous said...

Thanks, I understood your explanation on age ;)Still if she was forced to kill until 16, and spent the next ten years with Christian, and she now only murders people that he asks her to, she's still forced to kill. I don't know what Christian might have done that would have her volunteer to kill. Sounds intriguing.