Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Dear Awesome Agent,
London, 1882.
Seven years ago, Emil Aleric and his sister were kidnapped. Emil survived. His sister didn't. So when he hears news of a serial killer rampaging London, he's convinced that his former abductor is on the move again. The peculiarities of the murders-- a note quoting Alice in Wonderland is found at each scene-- go hand in hand with the name his tormentor fashioned for himself: The Hatter. When his guardian, Officer Corwin James, is put in charge of the case, Emil thinks it must be fate.
Corwin's not to keen on Emil having anything to do with the case, but Emil's extensive knowledge of the murderer's methods is too invaluable to waste. Yet as the two get closer and closer to tracking the man down, Emil realizes exactly what confronting his past will mean. He can live with the nightmares. But if he fails to avenge his sister's death, he doesn't know how he'll live with himself-- if he lives at all.
Complete at 51,000 words, MAD AS A HATTER is a YA historical novel written in alternating points of view. Thank you very much for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Tally
Oct 11, 2010
Oct 10, 2010
Query - All Because of You
Dear [Agent name],
I am writing to you because I believe my 85,000-word contemporary suspenseful women’s fiction novel, ALL BECAUSE OF YOU, would be appropriate for your agency.
Kidnapped at the age of seven, Adelaide Banvard has been forced to kill her entire life. She’s kept at the side of Christian Wren, one of the most powerful men in Los Angeles, but after ten years, finally has a chance to escape. Her opportunity comes in the form of ATF Agent Marcus Grant, a man whose assignment is to apprehend the leader behind one of the largest local gun running operations California has ever seen. His loyalties are tested at every turn as he fights his way through Wren’s organization and his second-in-command. But Adelaide isn’t everything she seems. Her schizophrenic mind, superb combat skills and exquisite beauty fascinate Marcus beyond control, leading his investigation into hot water and into Adelaide’s own little world.
Thank you for your time and consideration...blah blah blah.
Sincerely,
Me
I am writing to you because I believe my 85,000-word contemporary suspenseful women’s fiction novel, ALL BECAUSE OF YOU, would be appropriate for your agency.
Kidnapped at the age of seven, Adelaide Banvard has been forced to kill her entire life. She’s kept at the side of Christian Wren, one of the most powerful men in Los Angeles, but after ten years, finally has a chance to escape. Her opportunity comes in the form of ATF Agent Marcus Grant, a man whose assignment is to apprehend the leader behind one of the largest local gun running operations California has ever seen. His loyalties are tested at every turn as he fights his way through Wren’s organization and his second-in-command. But Adelaide isn’t everything she seems. Her schizophrenic mind, superb combat skills and exquisite beauty fascinate Marcus beyond control, leading his investigation into hot water and into Adelaide’s own little world.
Thank you for your time and consideration...blah blah blah.
Sincerely,
Me
Oct 8, 2010
Query- Second Hand News (revised)
Click here to read the original query.
As promised, I am back.
Dear Agent:
Second Hand News, my 80,000 word humorous women's fiction is about new beginnings.
When Gail Goldblum's arranged marriage fails, she moves into grandma Bubbie's two-room apartment in the Washington Heights neighborhood of Manhattan, one floor below her parents and loses herself in romance novels and the dream of happily-ever-after.
Gail's family immediately begins the search for her next husband, while she reunites with several old schoolmates, has wild sex with two Princeton "boys," joins a romance book club, washes out of a pottery class and uses her wit and talent to find a new career.
As a teenager, Tony Cimino worked part-time for his father. The youngest of eight children, he still works for his father, but refuses to give up the dream of having his own landscape business. Twenty years have passed when Gail walks up to the counter for a slice of pizza and sees him. Tony, the cute boy from her childhood has grown into a handsome, kindhearted man.
Chaos rules, as Bubbie escapes from assisted living, moves into her granddaughter's small apartment, and entertains the neighbors singing Ethel Merman tunes late at night in the elevator. Gail fends off a Yuppie co-op conversion and Tony tries to capture Gail's attention even as he realizes the dream of opening his own business.
The first time Gail knew she loved Tony, she was in the fourth grade, he was in the eighth. Each time they meet, she tries to deny her feelings and walk away. Tony is a man who knows what he wants, but Gail not being able to trust again, pushes the one person she wants out of her life.
I found your name on Chuck Sambuchino's Blog; A Guide To Literary Agents, read your blog daily, and I believe my work meets your criteria. I would be happy to send part or all of the completed manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Respectfully,
====
Opening lines:
No matter how a girl gets down the aisle, being married and then divorced is preferable to dragging one's miserable carcass through life as an old maid.
Three of us sit on a cold, wooden bench in the judge's chamber and wait. It's a long day and seven others have already finished and been escorted to the next room to sign papers and get a receipt, pending the official documents.
When it is my turn, I stand to answer three questions: 1) Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, 2) Do you Gail Goldblum Silverstein wish to contest this action, and 3) Do you wish to return to your maiden name?
Nothing comes out of my mouth and the girl next to me pulls the edge of my jacket and snaps, "Say yes, or I do, and let's get the hell out of here."
I gulp, "I do," three times and it is done.
I wait for a cheer from the audience, but alas we are alone in the room with the judge and his bailiff, who points, "This way, miss."
I am officially an ex-wife.
As promised, I am back.
Dear Agent:
Second Hand News, my 80,000 word humorous women's fiction is about new beginnings.
When Gail Goldblum's arranged marriage fails, she moves into grandma Bubbie's two-room apartment in the Washington Heights neighborhood of Manhattan, one floor below her parents and loses herself in romance novels and the dream of happily-ever-after.
Gail's family immediately begins the search for her next husband, while she reunites with several old schoolmates, has wild sex with two Princeton "boys," joins a romance book club, washes out of a pottery class and uses her wit and talent to find a new career.
As a teenager, Tony Cimino worked part-time for his father. The youngest of eight children, he still works for his father, but refuses to give up the dream of having his own landscape business. Twenty years have passed when Gail walks up to the counter for a slice of pizza and sees him. Tony, the cute boy from her childhood has grown into a handsome, kindhearted man.
Chaos rules, as Bubbie escapes from assisted living, moves into her granddaughter's small apartment, and entertains the neighbors singing Ethel Merman tunes late at night in the elevator. Gail fends off a Yuppie co-op conversion and Tony tries to capture Gail's attention even as he realizes the dream of opening his own business.
The first time Gail knew she loved Tony, she was in the fourth grade, he was in the eighth. Each time they meet, she tries to deny her feelings and walk away. Tony is a man who knows what he wants, but Gail not being able to trust again, pushes the one person she wants out of her life.
I found your name on Chuck Sambuchino's Blog; A Guide To Literary Agents, read your blog daily, and I believe my work meets your criteria. I would be happy to send part or all of the completed manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Respectfully,
====
Opening lines:
No matter how a girl gets down the aisle, being married and then divorced is preferable to dragging one's miserable carcass through life as an old maid.
Three of us sit on a cold, wooden bench in the judge's chamber and wait. It's a long day and seven others have already finished and been escorted to the next room to sign papers and get a receipt, pending the official documents.
When it is my turn, I stand to answer three questions: 1) Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, 2) Do you Gail Goldblum Silverstein wish to contest this action, and 3) Do you wish to return to your maiden name?
Nothing comes out of my mouth and the girl next to me pulls the edge of my jacket and snaps, "Say yes, or I do, and let's get the hell out of here."
I gulp, "I do," three times and it is done.
I wait for a cheer from the audience, but alas we are alone in the room with the judge and his bailiff, who points, "This way, miss."
I am officially an ex-wife.
Oct 6, 2010
Query - The Paw Shake Portal (Second Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear (Agent):
Eleven-year-old Alex’s new pet is no ordinary cat. He’s shocked to find that the stray he’s been caring for is able to transform into a girl his age. Her name is Lumina, and she approaches Alex to ask for his assistance in fighting Alley Scratch, an army of cats that hate people. She is a member of the royal cat family, dedicated to loving and respecting humans. Naturally, she and her siblings are the army’s prime targets.
The only way for Lumina to gain the strength and endurance to battle Alley Scratch is to form a “bond of trust” with Alex—the more their friendship grows, the healthier and stronger she will become. Alex is eager to form this bond to help her, but he also comes up with an idea of his own: Why not show the Alley Scratch cats kindness to help turn them around to the good side?
Unfortunately, the cats aren’t swayed by friendly chatter and an all-you-can-eat picnic. This only ends up causing a chaotic brawl and putting Lumina and her family in even greater danger. Alex must find a way to protect his feline friends without causing another disaster, and he’s willing to do whatever it takes to save them.
THE DISCOVERY OF LUMINA is a middle grade novel complete at 30,000 words.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
(Note: When I took out the unneeded first paragraph in the last draft, it left me with a boring hook, hence the rewritten beginning. As always, please be honest and let me know if any of this doesn't work. You guys are awesome, thanks for your help!)
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear (Agent):
Eleven-year-old Alex’s new pet is no ordinary cat. He’s shocked to find that the stray he’s been caring for is able to transform into a girl his age. Her name is Lumina, and she approaches Alex to ask for his assistance in fighting Alley Scratch, an army of cats that hate people. She is a member of the royal cat family, dedicated to loving and respecting humans. Naturally, she and her siblings are the army’s prime targets.
The only way for Lumina to gain the strength and endurance to battle Alley Scratch is to form a “bond of trust” with Alex—the more their friendship grows, the healthier and stronger she will become. Alex is eager to form this bond to help her, but he also comes up with an idea of his own: Why not show the Alley Scratch cats kindness to help turn them around to the good side?
Unfortunately, the cats aren’t swayed by friendly chatter and an all-you-can-eat picnic. This only ends up causing a chaotic brawl and putting Lumina and her family in even greater danger. Alex must find a way to protect his feline friends without causing another disaster, and he’s willing to do whatever it takes to save them.
THE DISCOVERY OF LUMINA is a middle grade novel complete at 30,000 words.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
(Note: When I took out the unneeded first paragraph in the last draft, it left me with a boring hook, hence the rewritten beginning. As always, please be honest and let me know if any of this doesn't work. You guys are awesome, thanks for your help!)
Oct 5, 2010
Query- Second Hand News
Dear Agent:
Gail Goldblum is a New York City woman on the edge. She comes out of a lousy marriage into her grandma Bubbie's two-room apartment in Washington Heights.
Her family arrange blind dates and trick her into meeting men, and Gail rebelling, reunites with old schoolmates, dates two wild "boys" from Princeton and uses her wit and talent to find a new career and survive her family's attempts to marry her off again.
Tony Cimino, the youngest of six children is left behind to run the neighborhood pizza business, though he will not abandon the dream of being his own boss. He doesn't remember Gail, yet there is something about her he needs to know more about.
The first time she knew she loved him, she was in the fourth grade and he was in Junior High School. Twenty years pass, but when she walks up to the counter, time freezes. Second Hand News, an 80,000 word, humorous romance is about starting over. How after twenty years two people find each other and fall in love.
I found your name the first time on Chuck Sambuchino's Blog; A Guide To Literary Agents, read your blog every day, and I believe my work meets your criteria. I would be happy to send part or all of the completed manuscript. Thank you for your consideration and time.
==================================
Thanks one and all. Look forward to your feedback.
Gail Goldblum is a New York City woman on the edge. She comes out of a lousy marriage into her grandma Bubbie's two-room apartment in Washington Heights.
Her family arrange blind dates and trick her into meeting men, and Gail rebelling, reunites with old schoolmates, dates two wild "boys" from Princeton and uses her wit and talent to find a new career and survive her family's attempts to marry her off again.
Tony Cimino, the youngest of six children is left behind to run the neighborhood pizza business, though he will not abandon the dream of being his own boss. He doesn't remember Gail, yet there is something about her he needs to know more about.
The first time she knew she loved him, she was in the fourth grade and he was in Junior High School. Twenty years pass, but when she walks up to the counter, time freezes. Second Hand News, an 80,000 word, humorous romance is about starting over. How after twenty years two people find each other and fall in love.
I found your name the first time on Chuck Sambuchino's Blog; A Guide To Literary Agents, read your blog every day, and I believe my work meets your criteria. I would be happy to send part or all of the completed manuscript. Thank you for your consideration and time.
==================================
Thanks one and all. Look forward to your feedback.
Oct 4, 2010
QUERY - LAKESIDE
Dear Agent,
While swimming in a secluded lake, seventeen-year-old Hannah sees a discarded pendant on the lakebed. When she picks it up, the pendant transports her to the isolated town of Lakeview where she meets Lily. The two become friends, and Hannah agrees to keep the lake, the town, and their friendship a secret – for her own safety, as well as Lily's.
Once school starts, Hannah begins dating Brendan, the new kid in town. After his mom dies unexpectedly, Brendan overhears his dad speaking with a stranger about her death taking place at a lake. Brendan realizes that his dad lied to him about his mom's death.
Hannah tells Brendan about Lily and the lake, knowing that Lily may be able to shed light on his mom’s death. What they discover in Lakeview gives Brendan hope for seeing his mom again. But when his plan fails and Hannah’s life becomes in danger, Brendan must use the powers of the lake to set things right, or risk losing his girlfriend forever.
LAKESIDE, a young adult novel complete at 85,000 words, combines mystery, romance, supernatural elements, and adventure.
Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Author
While swimming in a secluded lake, seventeen-year-old Hannah sees a discarded pendant on the lakebed. When she picks it up, the pendant transports her to the isolated town of Lakeview where she meets Lily. The two become friends, and Hannah agrees to keep the lake, the town, and their friendship a secret – for her own safety, as well as Lily's.
Once school starts, Hannah begins dating Brendan, the new kid in town. After his mom dies unexpectedly, Brendan overhears his dad speaking with a stranger about her death taking place at a lake. Brendan realizes that his dad lied to him about his mom's death.
Hannah tells Brendan about Lily and the lake, knowing that Lily may be able to shed light on his mom’s death. What they discover in Lakeview gives Brendan hope for seeing his mom again. But when his plan fails and Hannah’s life becomes in danger, Brendan must use the powers of the lake to set things right, or risk losing his girlfriend forever.
LAKESIDE, a young adult novel complete at 85,000 words, combines mystery, romance, supernatural elements, and adventure.
Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Author
Query - The Paw Shake Portal (First Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Author's Note: Thank you SO much to all who critiqued my first query. It helped so much! A special thank you to Rick for hosting this -- I would be lost without the Slushpile!
I realized my last query didn't accurately represent the story; I was too tied up in details. I feel like this one is more spot-on, but needs a ton of tightening. I also tentatively changed the title. Thanks in advance for your suggestions!
Dear (Agent):
Eleven-year-old Alex’s closest friend is his cat. No, he isn’t a loner. His friend Lumina is both human and feline.
When Alex finds a stray cat in his back yard, he doesn’t expect her to be able to turn into a girl his age. Lumina approaches Alex as a human and asks for his assistance in fighting Alley Scratch, an army of cats that hate people. The only way for her to gain the strength and endurance to battle Alley Scratch is to form a “bond of trust” with Alex—the more their friendship grows, the healthier and stronger she will become.
Alex is eager to form this bond to help Lumina, but he also comes up with an idea of his own: Why not show the Alley Scratch cats kindness to help turn them around to the good side? Unfortunately, his plan backfires, causing a chaotic brawl and putting Lumina and her family in even greater danger. Alex must find a way to protect his feline friends without causing another disaster, and he’s willing to do whatever it takes to save them.
THE DISCOVERY OF LUMINA is a middle grade novel complete at 30,000 words.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Author's Note: Thank you SO much to all who critiqued my first query. It helped so much! A special thank you to Rick for hosting this -- I would be lost without the Slushpile!
I realized my last query didn't accurately represent the story; I was too tied up in details. I feel like this one is more spot-on, but needs a ton of tightening. I also tentatively changed the title. Thanks in advance for your suggestions!
Dear (Agent):
Eleven-year-old Alex’s closest friend is his cat. No, he isn’t a loner. His friend Lumina is both human and feline.
When Alex finds a stray cat in his back yard, he doesn’t expect her to be able to turn into a girl his age. Lumina approaches Alex as a human and asks for his assistance in fighting Alley Scratch, an army of cats that hate people. The only way for her to gain the strength and endurance to battle Alley Scratch is to form a “bond of trust” with Alex—the more their friendship grows, the healthier and stronger she will become.
Alex is eager to form this bond to help Lumina, but he also comes up with an idea of his own: Why not show the Alley Scratch cats kindness to help turn them around to the good side? Unfortunately, his plan backfires, causing a chaotic brawl and putting Lumina and her family in even greater danger. Alex must find a way to protect his feline friends without causing another disaster, and he’s willing to do whatever it takes to save them.
THE DISCOVERY OF LUMINA is a middle grade novel complete at 30,000 words.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Sep 30, 2010
QUERY- MAD AS A HATTER (revision 3)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Dear Awesome Agent,
London, 1882.
Seven years ago, Emil Aleric and his sister were kidnapped. Emil survived. His sister didn’t. So when word of a ruthless killer rampaging London convinces Emil that his kidnapper is on the move, he thinks it’s fate that his guardian, Officer Corwin James, is in charge of the case.
The basic facts of the murders are well known. A young girl is kidnapped. Three days later, the body shows up, horrifically mutilated. However, Emil and Corwin know a little more than the general public: each murder is accompanied by a note quoting Alice in Wonderland.
These notes confirm Emil’s suspicions. He knew his kidnapper by only one name: The Hatter. But as he and his guardian get closer and closer to tracking the man down, Emil starts to realize exactly what confronting his past will mean. He can live with the nightmares. But if he fails to avenge his sister’s death, he doesn’t know how he’ll live with himself- if he lives at all.
MAD AS A HATTER, a YA historical mystery, is complete at 50,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Me
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Dear Awesome Agent,
London, 1882.
Seven years ago, Emil Aleric and his sister were kidnapped. Emil survived. His sister didn’t. So when word of a ruthless killer rampaging London convinces Emil that his kidnapper is on the move, he thinks it’s fate that his guardian, Officer Corwin James, is in charge of the case.
The basic facts of the murders are well known. A young girl is kidnapped. Three days later, the body shows up, horrifically mutilated. However, Emil and Corwin know a little more than the general public: each murder is accompanied by a note quoting Alice in Wonderland.
These notes confirm Emil’s suspicions. He knew his kidnapper by only one name: The Hatter. But as he and his guardian get closer and closer to tracking the man down, Emil starts to realize exactly what confronting his past will mean. He can live with the nightmares. But if he fails to avenge his sister’s death, he doesn’t know how he’ll live with himself- if he lives at all.
MAD AS A HATTER, a YA historical mystery, is complete at 50,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Me
Sep 29, 2010
QUERY- THE WHIP-SLIP (Revised)
Click here to read the original query.
Seventeen-year-old Thea Vans will do anything to protect her best friend, Tully. That’s why she’ll never speak to him again.
Thea’s always hidden her ability to heal or infect with a single touch – but the powers don’t belong to her anymore. Left-Hander, the new and inexplicable voice in her head has taken control, and unfortunately for Thea, she’s got a two-year-old’s temperament. A few cases of hives, broken legs, projectile vomiting, and heart palpitations all with Thea at the scene have put her in the spotlight at school – and now Tully thinks she’s possessed.
Thea would argue, but she knows nothing about her origins or who Left-Hander is, thanks to her guardian’s lack of blab. She doesn’t know that the teenagers who reawaken dead eels at the local waterway and sic them on a crowd of high schoolers are called The Whips, soldiers of Death.
Thea’s reward for fighting the Whips and saving her classmates is information: the Whips and Slips (the soldiers of Life) have been fighting for centuries, and their greatest weapon is Thea, whose set of powers could be used to kill thousands. Run-and-hide would be a smart move –
Except Tully’s injured in the waterway attack and is taken to the Slip base to heal. Thea’s got no choice but to follow and make sure he makes it out alive. Good thing the Slips don’t realize she’s got some Whip in her too. If she can just control her powers, maybe she and Tully can make it out alive.
As long as Left-Hander cooperates.
Seventeen-year-old Thea Vans will do anything to protect her best friend, Tully. That’s why she’ll never speak to him again.
Thea’s always hidden her ability to heal or infect with a single touch – but the powers don’t belong to her anymore. Left-Hander, the new and inexplicable voice in her head has taken control, and unfortunately for Thea, she’s got a two-year-old’s temperament. A few cases of hives, broken legs, projectile vomiting, and heart palpitations all with Thea at the scene have put her in the spotlight at school – and now Tully thinks she’s possessed.
Thea would argue, but she knows nothing about her origins or who Left-Hander is, thanks to her guardian’s lack of blab. She doesn’t know that the teenagers who reawaken dead eels at the local waterway and sic them on a crowd of high schoolers are called The Whips, soldiers of Death.
Thea’s reward for fighting the Whips and saving her classmates is information: the Whips and Slips (the soldiers of Life) have been fighting for centuries, and their greatest weapon is Thea, whose set of powers could be used to kill thousands. Run-and-hide would be a smart move –
Except Tully’s injured in the waterway attack and is taken to the Slip base to heal. Thea’s got no choice but to follow and make sure he makes it out alive. Good thing the Slips don’t realize she’s got some Whip in her too. If she can just control her powers, maybe she and Tully can make it out alive.
As long as Left-Hander cooperates.
QUERY- MAD AS A HATTER (revision 2)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Awesome Agent,
London, 1882.
Seven years ago, Emil Aleric and his sister were kidnapped. Emil survived. His sister didn’t. So when word of a ruthless killer rampaging London reaches home, his mother is- understandably- frightened into sending him to live with Corwin James, the officer in charge of the case, until the criminal is caught.
Every murder follows the same pattern: a young girl is kidnapped. Three days later, her body shows up, horrifically mutilated. But Emil is also privy to some extra information: each murder is accompanied by a note quoting Alice in Wonderland.
These notes don’t mean anything to the police, but they do to Emil. The man who kidnapped him was never caught, and Emil only knew him by one name: the Hatter. If the man they’re looking for and the tormenter of his past are the same person, then Emil will do anything to stop the man. He even stands a chance of avenging his sister—if he isn’t killed first.
MAD AS A HATTER, a YA historical mystery, is complete at 50,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Me
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Awesome Agent,
London, 1882.
Seven years ago, Emil Aleric and his sister were kidnapped. Emil survived. His sister didn’t. So when word of a ruthless killer rampaging London reaches home, his mother is- understandably- frightened into sending him to live with Corwin James, the officer in charge of the case, until the criminal is caught.
Every murder follows the same pattern: a young girl is kidnapped. Three days later, her body shows up, horrifically mutilated. But Emil is also privy to some extra information: each murder is accompanied by a note quoting Alice in Wonderland.
These notes don’t mean anything to the police, but they do to Emil. The man who kidnapped him was never caught, and Emil only knew him by one name: the Hatter. If the man they’re looking for and the tormenter of his past are the same person, then Emil will do anything to stop the man. He even stands a chance of avenging his sister—if he isn’t killed first.
MAD AS A HATTER, a YA historical mystery, is complete at 50,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Me
Sep 28, 2010
THE WHIP-SLIP QUERY
The students and faculty of Waltham High School have had a lot of incidents lately – broken legs, allergic reactions, nosebleeds, heart palpitations – and they’re beginning to think 17-year-old Thea Vans has something to do with it.
They’re not wrong.
Thea’s always been able to hurt or heal with a single touch. Bruises, hives, projectile vomiting. Another touch cures colds, mends broken legs, or brings blissful sleep. Not even her best friend knew about the powers – until Left-Hander came along, the new and inexplicable voice in her head. And Left-Hander controls the powers now.
Unfortunately for Thea, Left-Hander prefers hurting to healing. Thea can’t stop Lefty when she decides to punish someone - and it doesn’t take much to annoy Left-Hander.
Before she can figure out just who – or what – Left-Hander is, a group of teenagers with powers identical to Thea’s attack the local park. Thea convinces Left-Hander to fight them, but doing so lands her in the middle of a war between the soldiers of Life and the soldiers of Death. A war where Thea is the weapon of mass destruction.
If either side finds out what Thea is, thousands will die – but her best friend is injured in the attack on the park and taken by the soldiers of Life. Thea follows with the hope that if she hides her abilities, maybe they’ll both make it through alive.
If Left-Hander can cooperate.
THE WHIP-SLIP is a young adult fantasy complete at 90,000 words. This will fit well alongside the works of your clients xxx & xxxx.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
They’re not wrong.
Thea’s always been able to hurt or heal with a single touch. Bruises, hives, projectile vomiting. Another touch cures colds, mends broken legs, or brings blissful sleep. Not even her best friend knew about the powers – until Left-Hander came along, the new and inexplicable voice in her head. And Left-Hander controls the powers now.
Unfortunately for Thea, Left-Hander prefers hurting to healing. Thea can’t stop Lefty when she decides to punish someone - and it doesn’t take much to annoy Left-Hander.
Before she can figure out just who – or what – Left-Hander is, a group of teenagers with powers identical to Thea’s attack the local park. Thea convinces Left-Hander to fight them, but doing so lands her in the middle of a war between the soldiers of Life and the soldiers of Death. A war where Thea is the weapon of mass destruction.
If either side finds out what Thea is, thousands will die – but her best friend is injured in the attack on the park and taken by the soldiers of Life. Thea follows with the hope that if she hides her abilities, maybe they’ll both make it through alive.
If Left-Hander can cooperate.
THE WHIP-SLIP is a young adult fantasy complete at 90,000 words. This will fit well alongside the works of your clients xxx & xxxx.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
QUERY: STEAM PALACE
Dear Esteemed Literary Agent
Sometimes meeting your Evil Twin makes you wonder which one you are.
Sophia Stratton leaves home to discover a temptress, an immoral gutter prowler named Viola living with her gentle aunt. Shocked and curious, she follows Viola to the Steam Palace, a small city of iniquity and sin built upon an ancient half-buried barge in the Connecticut River. Despite the obvious fact that Viola hails from a native tribe and lacks the slightest touch of civilized culture, Sophia is inexplicably drawn to her, and finds to her embarrassment that they share a similar demeanor. Needless to say when Sophia discovers this wanton woman is actually her twin sister, separated at birth, it thoroughly destroys her. But that is only part of the story.
All Sophia wants is a job, perhaps a proposal of marriage to an eligible gentleman of sufficient reputation, and a means to restore her family name. She never intends on bringing her country--torn between two neighboring countries--to the brink of ruin. She now hides out in a bombed-out Native village where spirits walk among the corpses. Captain Thomas Putnam, her love, is most likely dead, his leg torn by shrapnel in a unfortunate assault on their country’s rival, the Southland, in an attempt to steal the mysterious Sea Key. And now Viola, of whom Sophia has grown quite fond despite Viola’s untoward upbringing, has surrendered to the man responsible to all this destruction and faces torture and death for her disobedience. Hartford and the Steam Palace lie in ruins, and Ghost, a powerful Fury Lord with limitless technological power at his fingertips, refuses to assist. Sophia must find a way to rescue her sister, restore Thomas’ honor, convince Ghost to join their cause, locate the mythical Sea Key, and fight off her country’s invaders before war claims the remnants of a once-proud kingdom.
Steam Palace, complete at 120,000 words, is a Steampunk romp through alternate-history America, where proto-Nazis clash with British-style royalty while the Free Southland tries to democratize both. It features twins separated at birth, secret keys to impossible powers, airships and mechohorses, and of course, tea, corsets, and goggles.
This is a very early first-draft of a query. I'm not as much interested in grammar or style as much as wondering whether this is a good place to start. Does the book sound interesting? Is there too much detail? Do you understand what's at stake? I will be posting updates that are a bit more polished.
Sometimes meeting your Evil Twin makes you wonder which one you are.
Sophia Stratton leaves home to discover a temptress, an immoral gutter prowler named Viola living with her gentle aunt. Shocked and curious, she follows Viola to the Steam Palace, a small city of iniquity and sin built upon an ancient half-buried barge in the Connecticut River. Despite the obvious fact that Viola hails from a native tribe and lacks the slightest touch of civilized culture, Sophia is inexplicably drawn to her, and finds to her embarrassment that they share a similar demeanor. Needless to say when Sophia discovers this wanton woman is actually her twin sister, separated at birth, it thoroughly destroys her. But that is only part of the story.
All Sophia wants is a job, perhaps a proposal of marriage to an eligible gentleman of sufficient reputation, and a means to restore her family name. She never intends on bringing her country--torn between two neighboring countries--to the brink of ruin. She now hides out in a bombed-out Native village where spirits walk among the corpses. Captain Thomas Putnam, her love, is most likely dead, his leg torn by shrapnel in a unfortunate assault on their country’s rival, the Southland, in an attempt to steal the mysterious Sea Key. And now Viola, of whom Sophia has grown quite fond despite Viola’s untoward upbringing, has surrendered to the man responsible to all this destruction and faces torture and death for her disobedience. Hartford and the Steam Palace lie in ruins, and Ghost, a powerful Fury Lord with limitless technological power at his fingertips, refuses to assist. Sophia must find a way to rescue her sister, restore Thomas’ honor, convince Ghost to join their cause, locate the mythical Sea Key, and fight off her country’s invaders before war claims the remnants of a once-proud kingdom.
Steam Palace, complete at 120,000 words, is a Steampunk romp through alternate-history America, where proto-Nazis clash with British-style royalty while the Free Southland tries to democratize both. It features twins separated at birth, secret keys to impossible powers, airships and mechohorses, and of course, tea, corsets, and goggles.
This is a very early first-draft of a query. I'm not as much interested in grammar or style as much as wondering whether this is a good place to start. Does the book sound interesting? Is there too much detail? Do you understand what's at stake? I will be posting updates that are a bit more polished.
Sep 27, 2010
Knight of Light - YA Fantasy
Dear Awesome Agent,
Knight of Light is an 89,000 word young adult fantasy about a sixteen-year-old girl and her quest to fit into the 12th century’s rigid social expectations despite her dangerous abnormalities – in fact, Scotlyn is afraid she might not be human.
After escaping torture from a servant of the Dark Rebellion, Scotlyn is hired as a handmaid in Oswestry, England. Although she is apparently betrothed to a prince of the mythical Kingdom of Neviah she catches the eye of young Duke Lyrad. Their beautiful romance is cut short when Lyrad departs and disappears in King Richard’s holy crusade. Now Lyrad’s back and is the leader of an army sent to destroy her homeland. Scotlyn must set aside social norms of a society denying equal rights and decide if she is the damsel in distress or the knight in shining armor.
To protect her country from Lyrad and the Dark Rebellion, Scotlyn enlists the help of a clever dwarf, accident-prone pixie and a rugged mysterious ranger (Cyrus, the Prince of Neviah) with his own paranormal abilities — and immortal secrets. When she starts to discern the enemy’s thoughts and is offered power, wealth and a proposal of marriage from the man she once loved, she questions her forgotten past and the reasons behind her personal crusade. In the face of war and political conspirators, the Dark Rebellion trying to steal her powers to control fire and England’s charming lords trying to steal her heart, Scotlyn must embrace her destiny, expose her secrets and set in motion an apocalyptic prophecy or concede the kingdom she swore to defend.
Knight of Light is the first book in a series, but can also stand on its own. The series progresses forward and delves into documented historical phenomenon and natural disasters of biblical proportions that entices indulgence of a fine line between intriguing fact and alluring fantasy.
As an author, I have been a featured guest at festivals and conferences throughout the United States including the international Comic-Con in San Diego. I have published numerous articles on a wide range of topics including writing techniques. I’ve worked professionally as a ghostwriter and as a playwright for a local theater. I am the manager for two of New York Times Best Seller, David Farland's writing groups and I am a member of American Night Writers Association. Aside from being a mother I juggle a full time career as an author, professional illustrator and e-book animator.
I look forward to your response.
Best,
Deirdra Eden Coppel
guidedhope@gmail.com
www.Knightess.com
Knight of Light is an 89,000 word young adult fantasy about a sixteen-year-old girl and her quest to fit into the 12th century’s rigid social expectations despite her dangerous abnormalities – in fact, Scotlyn is afraid she might not be human.
After escaping torture from a servant of the Dark Rebellion, Scotlyn is hired as a handmaid in Oswestry, England. Although she is apparently betrothed to a prince of the mythical Kingdom of Neviah she catches the eye of young Duke Lyrad. Their beautiful romance is cut short when Lyrad departs and disappears in King Richard’s holy crusade. Now Lyrad’s back and is the leader of an army sent to destroy her homeland. Scotlyn must set aside social norms of a society denying equal rights and decide if she is the damsel in distress or the knight in shining armor.
To protect her country from Lyrad and the Dark Rebellion, Scotlyn enlists the help of a clever dwarf, accident-prone pixie and a rugged mysterious ranger (Cyrus, the Prince of Neviah) with his own paranormal abilities — and immortal secrets. When she starts to discern the enemy’s thoughts and is offered power, wealth and a proposal of marriage from the man she once loved, she questions her forgotten past and the reasons behind her personal crusade. In the face of war and political conspirators, the Dark Rebellion trying to steal her powers to control fire and England’s charming lords trying to steal her heart, Scotlyn must embrace her destiny, expose her secrets and set in motion an apocalyptic prophecy or concede the kingdom she swore to defend.
Knight of Light is the first book in a series, but can also stand on its own. The series progresses forward and delves into documented historical phenomenon and natural disasters of biblical proportions that entices indulgence of a fine line between intriguing fact and alluring fantasy.
As an author, I have been a featured guest at festivals and conferences throughout the United States including the international Comic-Con in San Diego. I have published numerous articles on a wide range of topics including writing techniques. I’ve worked professionally as a ghostwriter and as a playwright for a local theater. I am the manager for two of New York Times Best Seller, David Farland's writing groups and I am a member of American Night Writers Association. Aside from being a mother I juggle a full time career as an author, professional illustrator and e-book animator.
I look forward to your response.
Best,
Deirdra Eden Coppel
guidedhope@gmail.com
www.Knightess.com
Sep 25, 2010
QUERY – IMMORTAL DECISION
Dear Super-Duper Agent looking for Queries that lack suckitutde:
As a former priest turned vampire, Stefan’s greatest desire is to end his two hundred years of tortured existence. He knows his prophesized death is at hand, but suicide is impossible and his vampiric nature prevents him from purposely losing a battle. Then the means to his end presents itself in the form of an American named William, the lost heir Stefan has been searching for.
Stefan lures the young man to Romania with the promise of a substantial inheritance. In order to receive it, William must read the complete history of his future estate and the past of his ancestors. The centuries-old manuscript - Stefan's own personal journal – provides William with an abundance of information about the supernatural world, and what it means to be a vampire.
Stefan is vexed that the mere human will flee when he realizes what he must do to claim his inheritance, and uses all his powers of psychological manipulation at his disposal to make William stay. But Stefan's conscience is torn. If Stefan succeeds, he may condemn William to eternal damnation. If he fails, he could inflict the same torture he has face hundreds of years of sunless, Godless existence.
IMMORTAL DECISION is a 109,000 word urban fantasy debut. Thank you for your consideration.
As a former priest turned vampire, Stefan’s greatest desire is to end his two hundred years of tortured existence. He knows his prophesized death is at hand, but suicide is impossible and his vampiric nature prevents him from purposely losing a battle. Then the means to his end presents itself in the form of an American named William, the lost heir Stefan has been searching for.
Stefan lures the young man to Romania with the promise of a substantial inheritance. In order to receive it, William must read the complete history of his future estate and the past of his ancestors. The centuries-old manuscript - Stefan's own personal journal – provides William with an abundance of information about the supernatural world, and what it means to be a vampire.
Stefan is vexed that the mere human will flee when he realizes what he must do to claim his inheritance, and uses all his powers of psychological manipulation at his disposal to make William stay. But Stefan's conscience is torn. If Stefan succeeds, he may condemn William to eternal damnation. If he fails, he could inflict the same torture he has face hundreds of years of sunless, Godless existence.
IMMORTAL DECISION is a 109,000 word urban fantasy debut. Thank you for your consideration.
Sep 18, 2010
QUERY- REMEMBERING YOU women's fiction
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Dear Agent,
“Genna” Genovase is smart, beautiful, driven and about to break the glass ceiling at the swanky country club in Delaware where she works. Taking her long awaited three-week vacation before she begins as “Director of the Kitchens”, Genna decides to surprise her family by driving up to Bristol, Rhode Island for the annual 4th of July Parade.
However, the surprise is on her when she runs into her ex-fiancé at her uncle’s diner. Tony makes it clear he wants her back and Genna wonders if she can forgive him for breaking her heart a decade ago.
Things get complicated though, when little Petie DiCampo shows up at the diner one morning, all grown up and looking like a calendar boy. He sets his sights and his heart on Genna but Tony isn’t giving up that easily.
Genna also finds her aunt may be in the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s. The family is in denial; one cousin is hysterical, another completely shuts down and her beloved uncle, dealing with all the stress, has a heart attack.
Genna steps in to keep the diner open and the family together while he recuperates and she questions what’s more important – breaking that glass ceiling or her family.
When her uncle reassures her the family and the diner will be fine without her, she heads back to Delaware. Unfortunately, she leaves her heart behind in Rhode Island and wonders what it will take to get it back.
REMEMBERING YOU is a complete work of women's fiction at 87,000 words.
etc. etc.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Dear Agent,
“Genna” Genovase is smart, beautiful, driven and about to break the glass ceiling at the swanky country club in Delaware where she works. Taking her long awaited three-week vacation before she begins as “Director of the Kitchens”, Genna decides to surprise her family by driving up to Bristol, Rhode Island for the annual 4th of July Parade.
However, the surprise is on her when she runs into her ex-fiancé at her uncle’s diner. Tony makes it clear he wants her back and Genna wonders if she can forgive him for breaking her heart a decade ago.
Things get complicated though, when little Petie DiCampo shows up at the diner one morning, all grown up and looking like a calendar boy. He sets his sights and his heart on Genna but Tony isn’t giving up that easily.
Genna also finds her aunt may be in the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s. The family is in denial; one cousin is hysterical, another completely shuts down and her beloved uncle, dealing with all the stress, has a heart attack.
Genna steps in to keep the diner open and the family together while he recuperates and she questions what’s more important – breaking that glass ceiling or her family.
When her uncle reassures her the family and the diner will be fine without her, she heads back to Delaware. Unfortunately, she leaves her heart behind in Rhode Island and wonders what it will take to get it back.
REMEMBERING YOU is a complete work of women's fiction at 87,000 words.
etc. etc.
Sep 17, 2010
QUERY- MAD AS A HATTER (first revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Awesome Agent,
London, 1882. Kidnapped as a toddler, Emil Aleric and his mother survived. The rest of the family didn't. So the word of a ruthless killer rampaging London frightens his mother into sending Emil to live with Officer Corwin James.
Every murder follows the same pattern: a young girl is kidnapped. Three days later, her body shows up, killed in a horrific fashion. But what throws everyone off is the notes quoting Alice in Wonderland.
This doesn’t mean anything to the police, but it does to Emil. The man who kidnapped him was never caught, and Emil only knew him by one name: the Hatter. If the man they’re looking for and the tormenter of his past are the same person, then Emil will do anything to stop the man. He even stands a chance of avenging his sister—if he isn’t killed first.
MAD AS A HATTER, a YA historical mystery with a supernatural twist, is complete at 50,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Me
Dear Awesome Agent,
London, 1882. Kidnapped as a toddler, Emil Aleric and his mother survived. The rest of the family didn't. So the word of a ruthless killer rampaging London frightens his mother into sending Emil to live with Officer Corwin James.
Every murder follows the same pattern: a young girl is kidnapped. Three days later, her body shows up, killed in a horrific fashion. But what throws everyone off is the notes quoting Alice in Wonderland.
This doesn’t mean anything to the police, but it does to Emil. The man who kidnapped him was never caught, and Emil only knew him by one name: the Hatter. If the man they’re looking for and the tormenter of his past are the same person, then Emil will do anything to stop the man. He even stands a chance of avenging his sister—if he isn’t killed first.
MAD AS A HATTER, a YA historical mystery with a supernatural twist, is complete at 50,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Me
Sep 16, 2010
Query - Possessed
Dear Agent So-and-So,
Fourteen year old Gabriel is stuck at home with his parents after fighting in the Napoleonic War for two years. His father has forbidden him to return to sea after losing his left hand in battle.
To make matters worse, Gabriel is forced to go on a long trip to visit his aging aunt in the country. His boredom evaporates when he hears voices in a dark room filled with locked cabinets.
Gabriel's curiosity is cut short when a series of tragic events drive him into the woods with a madman in hot pursuit. The voices from the room follow him there. Just when he thinks that he is going mad, the truth unravels.
Everything that he thought was real is a lie, including his identity. He is not a soldier. He is a cold blooded murderer.
The angry voices of those that he shot five years ago only become worse. He fears the day when he, too, will enter into eternity.
Is there any way out of everlasting punishment for killing the innocent? Gabriel is certain that there isn`t one.
Possessed is a supernatural thriller that contains a final word count of 56,139 words. I have pasted the first ten pages at the bottom of this email.
Thank you for taking the time to review my work. If you would like to see more of my manuscript, please let me know.
Sincerely,
Sara Flower
Fourteen year old Gabriel is stuck at home with his parents after fighting in the Napoleonic War for two years. His father has forbidden him to return to sea after losing his left hand in battle.
To make matters worse, Gabriel is forced to go on a long trip to visit his aging aunt in the country. His boredom evaporates when he hears voices in a dark room filled with locked cabinets.
Gabriel's curiosity is cut short when a series of tragic events drive him into the woods with a madman in hot pursuit. The voices from the room follow him there. Just when he thinks that he is going mad, the truth unravels.
Everything that he thought was real is a lie, including his identity. He is not a soldier. He is a cold blooded murderer.
The angry voices of those that he shot five years ago only become worse. He fears the day when he, too, will enter into eternity.
Is there any way out of everlasting punishment for killing the innocent? Gabriel is certain that there isn`t one.
Possessed is a supernatural thriller that contains a final word count of 56,139 words. I have pasted the first ten pages at the bottom of this email.
Thank you for taking the time to review my work. If you would like to see more of my manuscript, please let me know.
Sincerely,
Sara Flower
Sep 15, 2010
YA query: A HEART-SHAPED HOLE (first revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Annabelle's life hinges on one thing: her ability to deceive the people around her into believing she is perfectly happy. She's got everything she could ever want: rich parents who stay out of her way, a wild group of partygoing friends, and the world practically at her fingertips. At the center of it all is her highly sought-after boyfriend, Emmett. But Annabelle has a horrible secret: her smile is a lie.
Emmett physically and emotionally abuses Annabelle, slowly turning her into a twisted whirlwind of self-hatred and guilt. Her one pride is her ability to manipulate her peers into looking straight through the problems she hides. Stuck with a family too absorbed in their own petty problems, she has no one to turn to. That is, until she meets Brendon while hiding in the bathroom during a party.
Brendon is just as disillusioned as Annabelle. He becomes a shoulder for her to lean on, always eerily able to see right through her shallow charade of happiness. As Annabelle reclaims the person she once was, she begins to find self-worth, open her eyes to her boyfriend's faults, and come to terms with her reasons for staying with Emmett. But Annabelle has a past, and Brendon knows more about her situation than he lets on. These two factors become what may ultimately prevent Annabelle from ever feeling genuine happiness again.
Annabelle's life hinges on one thing: her ability to deceive the people around her into believing she is perfectly happy. She's got everything she could ever want: rich parents who stay out of her way, a wild group of partygoing friends, and the world practically at her fingertips. At the center of it all is her highly sought-after boyfriend, Emmett. But Annabelle has a horrible secret: her smile is a lie.
Emmett physically and emotionally abuses Annabelle, slowly turning her into a twisted whirlwind of self-hatred and guilt. Her one pride is her ability to manipulate her peers into looking straight through the problems she hides. Stuck with a family too absorbed in their own petty problems, she has no one to turn to. That is, until she meets Brendon while hiding in the bathroom during a party.
Brendon is just as disillusioned as Annabelle. He becomes a shoulder for her to lean on, always eerily able to see right through her shallow charade of happiness. As Annabelle reclaims the person she once was, she begins to find self-worth, open her eyes to her boyfriend's faults, and come to terms with her reasons for staying with Emmett. But Annabelle has a past, and Brendon knows more about her situation than he lets on. These two factors become what may ultimately prevent Annabelle from ever feeling genuine happiness again.
MAD AS A HATTER- Query
Dear xxx,
Corwin James, a Scotland Yard officer investigating a series of murders, knows he's in over his head when the newspapers report him as dead.
Following instructions in a mysterious letter from his boss, Corwin and his teenage ward, Emil, take advantage of his current alibi to investigate the case. The only clues they have as to who the murderer is are notes left at the sites of the murders, all quoting Alice in Wonderland. Though both of them are desperate to catch the man who killed their loved ones, they soon discover that the murderer is not only as intelligent as both of the combined, but twice as devious. To get to the bottom of the case, Emil must face the demons of his horrific past and the two must go on a literal rabbit chase for answers. If they find the murderer, they’ll never be free of the nightmare.
If they fail to capture him, he lays his hands on his final intended victims: the royal family.
MAD AS A HATTER is a 50,000 word mystery with a supernatural twist set in Victorian London. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
xxx
Corwin James, a Scotland Yard officer investigating a series of murders, knows he's in over his head when the newspapers report him as dead.
Following instructions in a mysterious letter from his boss, Corwin and his teenage ward, Emil, take advantage of his current alibi to investigate the case. The only clues they have as to who the murderer is are notes left at the sites of the murders, all quoting Alice in Wonderland. Though both of them are desperate to catch the man who killed their loved ones, they soon discover that the murderer is not only as intelligent as both of the combined, but twice as devious. To get to the bottom of the case, Emil must face the demons of his horrific past and the two must go on a literal rabbit chase for answers. If they find the murderer, they’ll never be free of the nightmare.
If they fail to capture him, he lays his hands on his final intended victims: the royal family.
MAD AS A HATTER is a 50,000 word mystery with a supernatural twist set in Victorian London. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
xxx
Sep 11, 2010
First Sentence Help- Off The Edge
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Hi Everyone-- I need help. I am trying to fix my MS first sentence (we all know how important that first sentence is). I'm just not getting it right. I know what I want to say, but the words aren't coming. I need your advice.
Here it is:
If I had an inkling that everything would change in less than twelve hours I would have stayed on the plane.
Any ideas?? One sentance only.
Thanks-Erin
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Hi Everyone-- I need help. I am trying to fix my MS first sentence (we all know how important that first sentence is). I'm just not getting it right. I know what I want to say, but the words aren't coming. I need your advice.
Here it is:
If I had an inkling that everything would change in less than twelve hours I would have stayed on the plane.
Any ideas?? One sentance only.
Thanks-Erin
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