Nov 18, 2010

Query- The End Begins - 8th Revision

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Click here to read the fourth revision.
Click here to read the fifth revision.
Click here to read the sixth revision.


Click here to read the seventh revision.

For Raiana Okard the Magic Academy of the Nine was the promising stage for the next evolution of Man. It's all she's known and strives for since her birth. And despite being the constant underdog, she felt their promise coming true when she was handpicked to be a spokeswoman for her community. But her confidence in that world is shattered when she discovers their power-giving quartz is being harvested from their bodies. Before succumbing to the same fate she escapes to the United States.

Now a walking target of her oppressors Rai trades her skills to a military union for protection. Despite the cease fire between the two military powers, their shaky peace will become undeniable war on a dime. The Union wants to shake the enemies grasp on stolen resources before that happens.

Rai plunges headlong into treacherous territory to take over and protect a fort of vital resources to deal a vital blow to her enemy’s efforts. But the conflict is not without cost. Rai is constantly tested. She feels the eyes of her enemies everywhere. Though the weight of fatigue and stress gnaws at her feet, she remains vigilant in adapting to her enemy.

While The Union gains momentum, Rai waivers to complete her mission when she realizes her actions could bring about the academy’s destruction.

THE END BEGINS, at 90,000 words, is my first science fiction novel.

3 comments:

Draconium said...

Listen, you really need to be more specific. One or two general concepts are alright, but this is so general i feel like the only solid thing i have to grasp onto is her name.

-promising stage for the next evolution of Man. (this is not clear enough to stand alone. is it a lab or an education center? is she a scientist or a subject?)

-a spokeswoman for her community (the president? a journalist? an admissions rep? what does that mean?)

-confidence in "that world" (what world? the academy? why is it their fault?)

-Now a walking target of her oppressors (WHO? i have no idea who this could be. Also, i thought she left so as not to be a target.)

-The Union wants to shake the enemies grasp on stolen resources before that happens...Rai plunges headlong into treacherous territory to take over and protect a fort of vital resources to deal a vital blow to her enemy’s efforts. (what enemy? you've never actually told us. Is it the quartz theif. What resorses? the quarz? this is not clear. BE SPESIFIC)

-weight of fatigue and stress gnaws at her feet (why are you telling us about her feet? with a story as clearly massive as this you just don't have room for embroidery, save it for the novel. just make sure what you do include is clear and as compelling as you can make it)

-Rai waivers to complete her mission (this doesn't actually say anything in English, i know what you mean, but mistakes like this won't fly. Rai wavers in her resolve to complete her mission, is better, or maybe she wavers in her dedication to her task.

Also i read you're original version and i can't help wondering two things: where are the aliens? and where are her team mates, the soldier, the priest, a mechanic,the traveler? (i agree with what some one said, they're better off without the adjectives you ascribed to them) but still i would like to know she's not just a lone militant. I would prefer a love interest, but I'd settle for a band of companions, just so long as it's not a one woman show.

I have some of you're other revisions and a few of them read like entirely different books. I'm assuming that this is because the book is so long, there is much to be said. What you need to do is find the emotional core, articulate in plane English what's at stake, BE CLEAR, and concise. Drop everything that's not absolutely central to the story on a whole.

Good Luck,

E

Jeff said...

Hey Draconium.

I'm seeing your point, this just wasn't on par with the earlier versions.

I've been trying different ways to tackle the query because the book has a involved plot, so a few have been geared towards the scenario Rai's being put into, and the other is focused more on Rai's motivation for getting involved, which has changed how the novel appears.

Some elements, such as the aliens, were cut to keep more closely to a genre instead of being all over the place. They company was left out to focus on Rai.

But this query seems to have jumped ship. I think I'll be starting over, or at least very least, take a look at the earlier ones I was doing well on and see what went wrong. I'll hammer home the main surface story and see if that gets me back on track.

Lesson learned: don't work a query until you're done making heavy plot revisions to your book :)

Thanks for your input.

Anonymous Author said...

You should probably give some more thought to your title as well.