QUERY- FATE'S GUARDIAN (Revision 1)

Click here to read the original query.

Attn: ,

In thirteenth century France, a wandering Troubadour kills a man in an attempt to earn the love of his abused wife, Desiree, but the Troubadour’s efforts are in vain. Unable to deal with Desiree’s rejection, the Troubadour kidnaps her and they both die in a murder-suicide. Desiree and her husband move on to reincarnate into new lives, but the Troubadour remains earthbound, trapped as a ghost.

Desperate to cross over and find Desiree, the Troubadour wanders the globe, searching for people on the brink of death and clinging to them in hope of finding a soul strong enough to carry him through the light. Most slip from his grasp and cross over without him. Occasionally his grip is tight enough to hold the soul back, and when he does he grows stronger by consuming its energy - but he also absorbs its memories, and in doing so obscures his own.

Centuries later the Troubadour’s past resurfaces when he runs into Gil Jacobs and Julie Flaherty, who are the reincarnated souls of Desiree and her husband. Gil and Julie were born into this life to find the Troubadour and bring him back, but the Troubadour has other plans - his hunger for power is stronger than his desire to live again. The resulting struggle puts Gil’s soul in peril, and Julie sacrifices herself to the Troubadour so that Gil can die and escape to the other side.

FATE'S GUARDIAN is complete at 110,000 words. It is a supernatural thriller directed toward a commercial fiction audience, and first in a series titled DESTINY'S WILL. I have been writing professionally for business for the past eight years, including technical and training manuals, copywriting, press releases, and business proposals.

I am asking for your representation because I did my research and know you are an awesome agent who represents this kind of fiction. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Regards,

QUERY- THE AMAZING TALE OF RUDY TOOT-TOOT (Revision 1)

Click here to read the original query.

Attn: [agent],

Please consider my 500 word contemporary picture book, THE AMAZING TALE OF RUDY TOOT-TOOT. This quirky comedy is directed to the 2-6 year age range and should appeal to kids (and adults!) who liked WALTER THE FARTING DOG.

Rudy Toot-Toot was born on a bean farm. He has an amazing gift - at least he thinks it is amazing – but I’ll tell you about that in a second. He also has an amazing problem: Rudy Toot-Toot does not know how to use any manners. His family tries to eat dinner, but can barely even get started because of Rudy’s antics. “Rudy Toot-Toot! How rude!” the family exclaims repeatedly. But when Rudy starts eating his beans, his amazing gift takes over…and the family had better run for cover!

I have been writing professionally for business for the past eight years, including copywriting, press releases, and proposals. THE AMAZING TALE OF RUDY TOOT-TOOT is my first picture book manuscript, inspired by my own two sons.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Query Revision: HOUND IN BLOOD AND BLACK

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the second revision.

Dear Agent,

All Kumari wanted was to live and die without becoming a monster; for Heaven, the child slave, there was nothing worth living for in the broken remains of a world lost to the undead – a place where men are more twisted than the walking corpses roaming the inland. Clean water and peaceful sleep are things of the past. After all, a barricade of rusted metal, broken glass and mercenaries with guns isn’t always enough to keep the dead out. And for some, it’s all about letting them in.

Kumari is a wrangler, a poacher and a gambler who catches undead and fights them against one another in the pit as gladiators. When she wins a dangerous gamble against her greatest rival, Kumari finds herself in possession of Heaven. Granting the girl freedom is the catalyst for a series of dangerous events, one of which forces Kumari to face the death of a treasured friend after she pulls the trigger. From there, mere survival becomes much more complicated.

As Heaven struggles between the acceptance of misery and the chance to live for herself, Kumari stares in the maw of her greatest fear when she is bitten by an undead and the death she believes so strongly in is threatened.

HOUND IN BLOOD AND BLACK, 101,500 words, is dystopian fiction with horror, thriller and science fiction elements. It explores a new kind of future where existing isn’t just about running from and killing zombies, but about the struggles humanity faces after the dust has settled and the world has died.

In January 2009, my short story Savage was published in Monstrous: 20 Tales of Giant Creature Terror by Permuted Press. I have samples of both my professional writing and fiction posted on my blog at http://www.thescreamingguppy.blogspot.com/.

Thank you for your consideration,

E. Anderson

Query vs. Manuscript

I had a partial request earlier this year. I take this as success on the query front, because the agent didn't reject the query. The problem is, the agent rejected the partial.

I did receive good feedback, though. The agent thought I was a talented writer, and that my premise is clever, but the narrative had too much exposition / backstory and not enough forward momentum. Some of the feedback paralleled comments from my critique group, but the agent had a better way of pointing it out. After receiving that feedback, I read through the manuscript again and I had to agree.

Truth of the matter is, this is my first novel, and by the time I finished draft 1 my storytelling improved, my plot thickened, and my writing style matured. That meant the whole first half of the book was sub-par, even though I revised it twice already.

But a revision, to me at least, is editing what was written. What I needed was a re-write. Completely new content for the first third of the book, at least. (Insert f-bomb here).

I took to the keyboard and started again from scratch, something I've dreaded for months, but in the back of my mind I knew it would be necessary.

Tell me: Are you sure your manuscript is ready for the next step, or is there a chance you are querying prematurely?

Where do you turn for manuscript critiques?

Revision 3- BROKEN

Click here to read the most recent revision.

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.


Dear [agent],

When American psychologist, Alec Sumner, sees Eli Burke take down a mugger with his cane on a busy London street, he is instantly smitten, but quickly learns this potential dream man is plagued by nightmares of his lover’s murder and unable – or unwilling – to move forward and love again.

Thanks to Ilsa, a former classmate and a woman with a room for rent, Alec soon finds himself living with the heartbroken young man and two other housemates: Tony, a self-absorbed, but gifted artist and Lyle, the artist’s often exasperated best friend. Ilsa quickly presses Alec into service, urging him to use his expertise to help her friend move beyond his trauma – with one stipulation – he must not know what Alec is doing.

As Eli fights his growing attraction to his new housemate and the possibilities that would bring, Alec struggles to satisfy Ilsa’s agenda while preserving his own romantic hopes for the two of them. With the support of their small family of friends, the two men move toward one another through a maze of mistrust, passion, and betrayal.

BROKEN is a 63,000 word work of gay fiction that reminds us that no matter what scars a person may carry, there are people out there who will support you through the pain, guide you past the fear, and love you back to life ... if you’re willing to live.

I worked as a copy editor for a daily newspaper for eight years, occasionally writing personal commentary and movie reviews. The full manuscript is available upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Revision 2 - BROKEN

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the third revision.

Dear [agent],

Psychologist Alec Sumner is standing on a busy London street, holding his friend Mirabell’s emerald green purse, and thinking about his last failed love affair when he sees Eli Burke take down a mugger with his cane. Alec is intrigued.

Thanks to the mechanizations of Ilsa, a former classmate and the owner of a house with a room for rent, he soon finds himself living with the handsome young man and races past intrigued to falling hard. Great, right? Wrong. Ilsa wants Alec to use his expertise and help Eli come to terms with seeing his lover murdered and nearly dying himself – all without Eli knowing what he's up to, of course.

Though he doesn’t buy into covert therapy, Alec struggles to find a way to help Eli heal without destroying his own romantic hopes for the two of them.

BROKEN is a 63,000 word work of gay fiction that reminds us that no matter what scars a person may carry, there are people out there who will support you through the pain, guide you past the fear, and love you back to life ... if you’re willing to live.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Revision 3--Larkin Shift and the Hall of Two Truths

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.

An unknowing descendant of the WenWet priestesses, Larkin Shift doesn’t want to be different. She doesn’t want to develop her magical powers, but they have a mind of their own and her 8th grade teacher, Mr. Amurat, the one person that can help her, has been lured to the Egyptian underworld. He is a pawn in Principal Reameny’s plan to overtake Ra, the sun god, plunging Earth into darkness and chaos and it’s up to Larkin and her three friends to get him back safely.

The rescue mission begins with an unexpected consequence—Benny’s death—and though Ra’s light temporarily revives him, there is only hours until his condition becomes permanent.

Hindered by an ever-changing landscape with destructive mythical inhabitants and guided by an untrustworthy shape-shifting cat, Larkin must develop her powers to defeat the evil Principal Reameny, get Benny home alive, and overcome an unexpected betrayal—all before the next sunrise.

Larkin Shift and The Hall of Two Truths is a 45,000 word middle grade novel and is the first in a planned series.

This will be my final revision because I don't want to hog valuable space. Thanks to all who have helped me fine-tune and I wish everyone a lot of success!

Thoughts?

BFrischCPC@nycap.rr.com

Revision 1-BROKEN

Click here to read the original query.
A second revision has been posted. Click here to read it.
Click here to read the most recent revision.

Dear [agent],
Psychologist Alec Sumner was standing on a busy London street, holding his friend Mirabell’s emerald green purse, and thinking about his last failed love affair when he saw Eli Burke take down a mugger with his cane. Alec was intrigued.
A few weeks later, he finds himself living with the handsome young man and three other housemates: Tony, a self-absorbed gifted artist; Lyle, the artist’s often exasperated best friend; and Ilsa, Alec’s former college chum and owner of the house.
Hoping for romance, Alec quickly learns that Eli is not and the heartbreaking reasons why.
BROKEN is a 63,000 word work of gay fiction that reminds us that no matter what scars mark you, there may be people out there who will support you through the pain, guide you past the fear, and love you back to life ... if you are willing.
Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,

Revised Query--HENRY HAS NO HAIR

Click here to read the original query.

Thank you to everyone who posted feedback on my first query draft. I found the dialogue quite thought-provoking and it led me to do a complete re-write on the manuscript, involving a switch in point-of-view. Below I have included the newly drafted query (which reflects the drastic MS changes) and the first 200 words.

QUERY:

Dear Mr. Agent,

Life must be tough for Henry, the new kid. His baldhead looks silly and a bit odd. Lauren and I giggle about him on the way to school until her brother makes us stop. He said Henry’s probably sick or something.

But he doesn’t act sick. And he doesn’t seem to notice the other kids’ stares and teasing. He’s the best at kickball during recess and he sits with the loner at lunchtime. There sure is something different about Henry, besides his lack of hair. On the bus ride home, I find out what it is. He’s actually happy he’s bald. Weird. He tells me he’s glad there is no hair to get in his face or provide a target for his baby sister’s reaching hands to pull. Apparently, hats always fit him and he makes a great pirate for Halloween. He’s even got me believing that it would be nice to not worry about hair. Henry is most unique because he’s just happy to be Henry—and that makes me happy, too. Funny how that is.

HENRY HAS NO HAIR is complete at 1075 words. Readers witness a young girl’s prejudices and how they are challenged by a boy who does not allow the cosmetic debility of alopecia areata totalis to define who he is. Instead, she is roused by the way Henry embraces his unusual physical trait and is empowered by it. A subject close to my heart and home, my husband and I have the joy of raising our first son, a balding toddler with the spirit to take on the world.

Because of your interest in children’s picture books, as listed on your Publisher’s Marketplace page, I invite you to consider representing this manuscript, which is available upon request.

Thank you for your consideration and time.



FIRST 200 WORDS:

Who is that, I wondered as I walked to the bus stop. I haven’t seen him before. He must be new. I eyed him up and down. What’s wrong with him? He looks funny and a little bit weird. He must be sick, I decided.

After he said goodbye to his mom, he looked at me and smiled. I turned so quickly I almost tripped on my way to stand under the tree by Lauren and her older brother, Thomas.

On the bus, the boy sat a few rows in front of us.

“Did you see his head?” Lauren giggled. “He’s balder than my daddy!”

“Mine, too,” I chuckled back.

“Shh, you guys.” Thomas reprimanded. “He’s probably got leukemia or something. You shouldn’t be laughing at him.”

“He still looks silly, even if he is sick,” Lauren whispered to me with a gleam in her eyes.

I watched him talk excitedly to an older kid in the seat next to him. His book bag rested on the floor in front of him with a red baseball cap hooked to one of its straps.

If I were him, I wouldn’t ever take off my hat, I thought.

Revision2--Larkin Shift and the Hall of Two Truths.

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the third revision.

An unknowing descendant of the ancient WenWet priestesses, Larkin Shift doesn’t want to be different. She doesn’t want to develop her magical powers, but they have a mind of their own and her 8th grade teacher, Mr. Amurat, the one person that can help her, has disappeared. Intuition says he’s used an ancient amulet to enter Duat, the Egyptian underworld, and it’s up to her and her friends to get him back safely.

But the rescue mission begins with an unexpected consequence—Benny’s death—and when Ra’s light temporarily revives him, there is only hours until his condition becomes permanent.

Larkin resolves to get Benny out of Duat alive and discovers she’s been lured into a trap by the nefarious Principal Reameny, a dark force disguised as a human with plans to overtake the sun god and rule Earth in eternal darkness and chaos.

Hindered by a dangerous, ever-changing landscape filled with destructive mythical creatures and guided by a shape-shifting cat, Larkin must develop her powers to defeat the true Principal Reameny, rescue Benny from Ammit, the soul eater, and overcome an unexpected betrayal by one of her own—all before the next sunrise.

Larkin Shift and The Hall of Two Truths is a 45,000 word middle grade novel and is the first in a planned series.

I have added a note that I plan to expand this out to be more than a stand-alone book, in spite of some online advice that warns against it. Any opinions on that?

Query - The kitty who lost her purr

Dear wise and powerful agent,

The little kitty named Buttons has lost her purr. She has not purred since she left the pet shelter, and she misses her purr very much. Buttons looks all over her new sunny room, trying to find her purr. She eats yummy food, takes a comfy nap and leaps on a toy mouse, but nothing helps her find her purr again.

The Little Kitty Who Lost Her Purr is the story of how Buttons finally finds her purr through the warm and loving companionship of a young girl. It is a 900 word picture book that will appeal to readers aged 2-5.

Through my research of agencies, I found that the "wise and powerful" agency is highly respected in the industry. I chose to submit to you specifically because you stated in your bio that you love picture books that are real and storytime-ready, so The Little Kitty Who Lost her Purr would be a good fit.

I am not previously published; this is my first book for children.

As requested, the full text of the picture book is pasted below.

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. I look forward to hearing from you.


Sincerely,


Me

LAZY CATS (Revision 2)

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.

Dear XXXXX,
LAZY CATS is a 60,000 word, work of Women’s fiction.

Just Maggie’s luck! Seven years in a comfortable marriage, one night of shamefully exciting sex, then poof, her husband’s gone without an explanation.

Author Maggie Weather’s had no idea her husband Chris had been secretly reading about Sarah.

“An undemanding woman, content living in the shadow of her puffed up husband, keeping a clean house, being the ideal wife, Sarah loses herself and gives up her dream of becoming a famous writer. But when her selfish husband goes too far, stepping out on her, Sarah cleverly plots his murder. Mouse poison should take care of a rat.”

Maggie and Sarah have a lot in common. The women even write alike. There is one big difference though, Maggie is real and Sarah is only a figment of Maggie’s imagination. But both women scare the hell out of their cheating husbands.

How to Calculate Your Luck

Here's a query tip for you. We all know that there are many extenuating factors that impact our search for representation and publication, and at the end of the day, one of those biggest factors is luck.

Now, this begs the question: How do you know if you are lucky (or unlucky, as it may be)?

Here are several equations to calculate the luck factor in getting published. They use the following variables:

N= Good Luck
X= Bad Luck
D= Dumb Luck
Q= Query
A= Agent Preferences
P= Publishing Industry Demands
C= Contract

So therefore, if Q=(A*P) then N should result, yielding C.

However, if Q+P is not equal to A, then X. Also, if Q+A=C but is not equal to P, then X.

Of course there may be variations on this logic, such as if Q<(A*P) but the result is C, then D, pure and simple.

So you see, it's all very straightforward. N to all of you!

#

Query - Embrol (Revision 1)

Click Here to read the original query.

Olivia Ryan doesn’t know she’s a guardian of Earth. She doesn’t even know she’s not human.

After nearly dying in the car accident that takes her mother’s life, Olivia just wants her normal, happy life back. Jack Ellis, the new boy at school who is responsible for the accident, only compounds her pain. She feels drawn to him for reasons she cannot explain, but his revelation that she is an alien from the planet Hielos is difficult to accept. Despite Olivia’s conflicted desire to ignore him, her mother’s journal confirms her alien ancestry, and she learns that, like Jack, she has been endowed with many alien abilities.

Even after discovering she can control at least one of the five elements, Olivia resists the idea that she could be any kind of superhero. When a rogue Hielosian threatens her life and almost kills her friend, she is forced to accept the responsibility. With Jack’s help, she must find a way to stop the homicidal alien before he hurts anyone else. In the midst of all of this, Olivia struggles to understand her feelings for Jack and fights against the only thing she knows for certain--they belong together.

EMBROL, complete at 111,000 words, is a work of YA Science Fiction. While it is a standalone novel, the potential is there to extend it to a three book series. This is my first novel.

REVISION 1-Query-Larkin Shift and the Hall of Two Truths

Click here to read the original query.
A second revision of this query has been posted. Click here to read it.

Agent information,

Larkin Shift doesn’t want to be different. She doesn’t want to develop her magical powers, but they seem to have a mind of their own. She feels like a danger to everyone around her and the one person that can help her, Mr. Amurat has disappeared into Duat, the Egyptian underworld, leaving it up to her and her three friends to get him back safely. But the rescue mission comes with an unexpected consequence—one of their deaths.

As the myth goes, Ra travels through Duat at night reviving the recently deceased to make their journey to final judgment. When Ra’s light temporarily revives Benny, Larkin’s deceased friend, he has only hours until his condition becomes permanent unless she uses her unique abilities to make it to the Hall of Two Truths where she must face an omnipotent nemesis, thwart a plot against her, and overcome an unexpected betrayal—all before the next sunrise.

“Larkin Shift and the Hall of Two Truths” is a 45,000 word middle grade novel. Thank you for your consideration.

Thanks to the couple of people who left comments. I would love to hear if you feel this is more clear than the previous version because I definitely don't want to lose a potential agent because of confusion. I'm really glad I posted.

As for the change from YA/middle grade, I am really targeting the early teens (12, 13) and am having a hard time differentiating. Some sources say the genre is based on the age of the main character (13, in my case), but, to me, the story feels like intelligent middle grade.

SUCCESSFUL QUERY! THE PANAMA HOTEL

I have recieved permisson through an intermediary to post the following query by author Jamie Ford. This was posted on Anita Laydon-Miller's Blog, and both the author and agent have agreed to let me post it here. The author signed with the agent, and the agent sold the book, which is what we all yearn for. Presumably, they are all living happily ever after!
- Rick Daley

Dear Ms. Nelson:

I must admit I hate Asian stereotypes. You know the ones. Good at math. Hardworking. We all look alike. Come to think of it, that last one might hold water. After all, my father once wore a button that read “I am Chinese,” while growing up in Seattle’s Chinatown during WWII. It was the only thing that separated him from the Japanese, at least in the eyes of his Caucasian neighbors.

Sad, but true. Which is probably why my novel has a little to do with that particular piece of history.

Anyway, the working title is The Panama Hotel, and when people ask me what the heck it’s all about I usually tell them this: “It’s the story of the Japanese internment in Seattle, seen through the eyes of a 12-year-old Chinese boy, who is sent to an all-white private school, where he falls in love with a 12-year-old Japanese girl.”

But it’s more complicated than that. It’s a bittersweet tale about racism, commitment and enduring hope––a noble romantic journey set in 1942, and later in 1986 when the belongings of 37 Japanese families were discovered in the basement of a condemned hotel.

This historical fiction novel is based on my Glimmer Train story, I Am Chinese, which was a Top 25 Finalist in their Fall 2006 Short-Story Competition For New Writers. An excerpt was also published in the Picolata Review.

Think Amy Tan, but with a sweeter aftertaste. Thank you for your consideration and time, Jamie Ford

Query--Larkin Shift and the Hall of Two Truths

A revision of this query has been posted. Click here to read it.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.

Intro

Larkin Shift is in danger, threatened by innate magical powers with a mind of their own and helpless without Mr. Amurat’s expert guidance. Aided by an ancient amulet, Mr. Amurat has gone to the underworld to retrieve his deceased wife and daughter and it’s up to Larkin, Caitlin, Benny, and Trent to get him back safely. But her rescue mission comes with an unexpected consequence—Benny’s death.

A mythical revival puts Benny up against dwindling mortality with only hours until his condition becomes permanent unless Larkin embraces her unique abilities and makes it to the Hall of Two Truths where she must defeat an omnipotent nemesis, thwart a plot against her, and overcome an unexpected betrayal—all before the next sunrise.

“Larkin Shift and the Hall of Two Truths” is a 45,000 word young adult novel.

Thanks to everyone for feedback!

QUERY: EDEN'S KILLERS

Dear Agent,

In the city of Eden Island, there are only three types of people: pedestrians, assassins, and the men who hire the assassins. Rita Jennison is an assassin. One of the best in a city divided in two by rivaling families.

Rita knows that there are five rules to being a hired killer, but when her daughter’s school bus is caught in-between a crossfire, she decides that she has to break one of these rules to protect her daughter. The consequence for breaking a rule: death. Her actions cause the six assassin companies to send their best killer after her, each one more deadly than the next. With her daughter in hand, Rita must escape the very city she was born in before it becomes her grave.

EDEN’S KILLERS is a 140,000 word novel.

0 Prelude to a Death

The bullets entered Rita like the fangs of a snake into a rat. She had watched the act of nature many times before on T.V and not once did she feel sympathy for the rat. Not once! Instead, she figured that’s the way things go and how they happen. Now, though, she felt sympathy for the rat. She now knew how it felt to have the snake’s fangs digging deep into her stomach.

Rita collapsed to knees, clutching her stomach. She could feel the blood trickle down through the cracks in her fingers, and she clutched tighter, thinking that somehow the bleeding would magically stop. It wasn’t stopping. She could still feel it. As she closed her eyes, she could feel the tears fall, and she opened them just in time to watch them splash against the park grass below her. It was the first time she had ever cried, and it was beautiful. They were little droplets of life, her life, escaping from her body, and as they splashed against the cold earth, they disappeared into the soil, as if they were dying with her right then and there.

Someone was coming. Rita could hear the grass crunch beneath slow moving footsteps. Her breaths began to quicken, a hurricane of wind passing through her lips and melding with the night air. It was beautiful, and it hurt. Every breath felt as if it was pushing the bullet deeper and deeper into her stomach, like some deranged acupuncture. A pair of black shoes stopped right under her eyes, looking proud to be standing where she was dying.

“It’s a beautiful night, isn’t it?” a man’s voice said peacefully, yet sounding tired and raspy. “There aren’t many nights like this. You picked a goodnight to die.” He reached down and cupped her chin and lifted her head up, showing her the sky above where stars glittered against the black backdrop.

He was right: it was an amazing fall night. He bent down to get a better look at her, a few tears trying to escape her eyes before it was too late. The man’s brown eyes were barely visible under the covers of the night. But she was well acquainted with him and his eyes. A coconut aroma wafted of his hand.

“Your hand smells good.”“You simply amaze me, Rita. Even when you’re dying, you’re still observant.”Rita laughed. Not observant enough, she told herself. The pain in her stomach immediately came back. “Well, Marshall,” she said, wincing at the pain, “aren’t you going to kill me?”

Marshall ran his hand through her black hair, admiring the beauty of his kill. Rita looked up and stared. Her killer was handsome, and in some strange, twisted way that sounded romantic to her. Rita took her hand away from her stomach and touched the side of his face, leaving strawberry colored fingerprints on his face. With his other hand, he took Rita’s hand—caringly, not threateningly—and placed it back over her wound.

Standing up, Marshall looked away from her and reached into his coat and pulled out his Browning Hi-Powered pistol. But for the brief second he turned away, Rita made her move. She reached into her coat and pulled out her pistol. She pulled her coat across her body and pressed the barrel of her pistol against the inside of her coat.

The barrel of his gun lined up between her eyes, causing her to go cross-eyed for a brief second as her eyes searched in the darkness for the metal pill inside. She kept her finger on the trigger, waiting for the right moment to pull it.

“I’m sorry, Rita,” Marshall said. “I hope you’re not mad, but it’s just business. You know that. If it were me, I would want you to be my killer.”

Rita smiled. “I know. I’m glad it’s you.”

“Me too,” he replied. “But in the end, one of us has to go.”

“You’re right. One of us has to go.”

Then there was loud crack! and a brief flash of light illuminated a small part of the fall night.

Query- Dreaming Dark (Revision 1)

Click here to read the original query.

Dear Agent,
Meredith is convinced she's a normal seventeen year-old, until smouldering but silently threatening Eirich moves into her northern Ontario town.

The problem with Eirich's arrival is that whenever they touch - which isn't nearly as often as Meredith would like – she is filled with a strange and tempting feeling of power. Meredith can't even figure out why she gets these feelings, let alone explain them to anyone. So when her best friend Ally falls hard for Eirich, Meredith decides it would be best to stay away from both of them.

To escape Ally and Eirich, Meredith starts spending time at the cottage left to her by her mother. She quickly discovers that it comes with unexpected magical protection, and learns that she's so far from normal, she's supernatural: the last member of an ancient race with the power to control and create dreams. Meredith's mother starts visiting her dreams to teach her to use these powers, but Meredith, unable to control her new strength, starts pulling wild, violent dream magic into the real world. Worse, Eirich needs Meredith's powers to revive his own ancient race, the dark counterpart to Meredith's, and he's taken Ally to get to her.

Meredith is left with a choice. If she doesn't fight Eirich with her fledging dream magic, he'll try to use his own powers to trap Ally in her dreams, feeding off her emotions and growing with power until he and his ancestors can take over the world. If she does fight, she might be able to stop him and save Ally. But if she succumbs to his dark strength and joins him they can rule together, and Meredith will be filled with the power for which she longs.

DREAMING DARK is a work of YA urban fantasy, complete at 57 000 words.Thank you for your time and consideration.

Query - Embrol

A revision of this query has been posted. Click here to read it.

Olivia Ryan doesn’t know she’s a guardian of Earth. She doesn’t even know she’s not human.

After a car accident nearly kills her and takes her mother from her on her eighteenth birthday, she longs to find peace in an uncertain future. Jack Ellis, the new boy at school who is responsible for the accident, only compounds her pain. She feels drawn to him for reasons she cannot explain, but his revelation that she is an alien from the planet Hielos is difficult for her to believe. Despite her conflicted desire to ignore him and get on with her life, her mother’s journal confirms her alien ancestry, and she discovers that, like Jack, she has been endowed with many alien abilities.

She resists the idea that she could be any kind of superhero, but the appearance of a rogue Hielosian forces her to accept the responsibility. When he almost kills her friend and threatens her life, she, with Jack’s help, must find a way to stop him before he does any more damage. In the midst of all of this, she struggles to understand her feelings for Jack and fights against the only thing in her life that she knows for certain--they belong together.

EMBROL, complete at 111,000 words, is a work of YA Science Fiction. While it is a standalone novel, the potential is there to extend it to a three book series.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

1 Eighteen

“Good morning, birthday girl!”

I forced my eyes open and groaned. My mother had the video camera pointed right at my face.

“Go away.” I covered my head with my pillow. “It’s not even light outside yet.”

She ignored me, just like she did every year. “On this day, eighteen years ago, Olivia Noelle Ryan was born to Thomas and Lily Ryan in the great state of Arizona. And there was rejoicing throughout the land!” This was her favorite and most annoying birthday ritual. “Today she is officially an adult. Would you like to add anything, Livy?”

“For once, could you just let me sleep in on my birthday?” I lifted the pillow and opened one eye. “In fact, in celebration of the joyous occasion, I should probably just stay home from school. Turn the light off on your way out.” I waved my hand toward the door, letting the pillow drop back down on my head.

“Don’t be a spoilsport, Livy.” She laughed as she pulled the blanket off of me.

I reached for it too late, and it fell to the floor at the end of my bed. “Hey, it’s freezing!”

She gave me a quick swat on my backside. “Come on, time to get up. You’re going to be late for school.” Her voice still rang with laughter. “Being an adult means being responsible.”

“Seriously, Mom. Are you starting on that already?” I pushed myself up to a seated position and rubbed my eyes with the heels of my hands. I wondered if she had increased the wattage in my light so she would have better lighting for her little show. “Will you please turn that stupid thing off?”

“You used to love this part of your birthday.” There was a slight downturn to her lips as she turned the camera off, but her ever present smile returned quickly. “I made you some birthday French toast, if you’re interested.”

I covered a yawn with my hand. “Tell me again. What makes it birthday French toast?”

“Because I made it on your birthday, silly girl.” She bent to kiss me on the forehead. “Don’t be too long. It’s getting cold.”

“Thanks, Mom.” I tried to smile as she turned to leave. “I’ll be down in a few minutes.”

I stumbled to the bathroom and examined my face in the mirror. I didn’t look any different. Not that I’d really expected to, but there had been a lot of build up to this day. It just seemed like there should be some noticeable difference.

I flipped off the bathroom light and followed the smell of French toast down the stairs, listening to the sound of my mother’s cheerful whistling. I stood in the doorway and watched her as she danced about the kitchen. I often wished I could be more like her, so happy all the time.

We were similar in some ways. I inherited my wavy golden-brown hair and blue eyes from her, but regardless of the countless times I had been told that I look like her, that’s where the similarities ended. She was much more petite, barely reaching five feet tall, and she was exceptionally beautiful, with small, delicate features. Despite being in her forties, she looked like she belonged in a college dorm rather than the mother of someone who would soon be there. Strangers often accused her of being my stunning older sister.

She turned to me and smiled. “Oh, there you are. Everything’s on the table.”

I sat down in my usual spot in the curve of the bay window. “Thanks for breakfast, Mom. Are you sure you don’t want me to stay home today? You could call in sick and we could go shopping.”

“Sorry, Livy. You know I can’t call in sick on a Monday. Besides, you have finals coming up. You shouldn’t be missing school right now.”

“Fine, I guess you’re right. But I don’t think missing one day would make that much difference.”

“I’ll make it up to you tonight. Maybe I can get off work a little bit early and we can go shopping before we go to dinner. How does that sound?”

“Okay, that’ll be fun.” Not exactly what I was hoping for, but it was better than nothing.
“You better hurry, Livy.” She pointed at the clock with her fork. “Amber’s going to be here in less than fifteen minutes.”

I swallowed my last bite of French toast. “Thanks again for breakfast. Love you, Mom.” I gave her a quick hug before heading upstairs to get ready for school.

She’d already left for work when I came back downstairs, but she left me a note on the front door.

Happy Birthday, Livy! Have a great day!

Love, Mom

I smiled as I shoved the note in my pocket and opened the front door. Amber wasn’t there yet. A quick look at the clock told me I was running even further behind than I thought. She was almost twenty minutes late, and thanks to her ability to drive like a deranged lunatic, Amber was never late. I pulled my phone out to call her and she honked. Somewhat relieved, I ran out to meet her.

“Hey, Livy! Happy birthday!”

“Thanks, Amber.”

“Sorry I’m late.” She tossed her ginger curls with a flip of her head. “Devan thought it would be fun to play hide and seek with my keys this morning. I finally found them in his toy box.” She flashed a metallic grin that I think was supposed to be sinister, but it only emphasized the cute dimples in her freckled cheeks. She always said they made her look like a little kid, but she just wouldn’t be Amber without them. “My mom wouldn’t let me choke him, but that’s probably good since it would have taken more time. Don’t worry. I’ll get us there on time.”

“Oh, good.” That’s precisely what I was worried about. I would rather walk the three miles to school on the hottest day of the summer, than be in a vehicle with Amber when she’s running behind. Best friend or not, her driving terrified me.

I made a mental note to bug my mom again about getting a car--if I lived long enough.