Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
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Quick poll time. I know I said I'd end at revision three, but I need help deciding which of these to use and this has been really helpful so, any suggestions?
#1
An unknowing descendant of the Wenwet priestesses, Larkin Shift doesn’t want to be different. She doesn’t want to develop her magical powers, but they have a mind of their own. And her 8th grade teacher, Mr. Amurat, the one person that can help her, is trapped in the Egyptian underworld. He is a pawn in Principal Reameny’s quest to overthrow the sun god, Ra, and to plunge Earth into eternal darkness and chaos, unless Larkin and her friends can stop him.
But the rescue mission begins with an unexpected consequence—Benny, Larkin’s friend’s, death—and when Ra’s light temporarily revives him, there are only hours until his condition becomes permanent.
Hindered by an ever-changing landscape and its dangerous inhabitants and guided by an untrustworthy shape-shifting cat, Larkin must develop her powers to defeat the evil Principal Reameny, get Benny home alive, and overcome an unexpected betrayal—before the next sunrise.
Larkin Shift and The Hall of Two Truths is a 45,000 word middle grade novel and is the first in a planned series.
#2
Larkin’s is a rescue mission where every minute counts. Each passing second brings her friend Benny closer to death and failure to save her mentor, Mr. Amurat, means losing the one person that can help her control her innate magical ability.
An unknowing descendant of a powerful line of priestesses, Larkin doesn’t want to be different. She doesn’t want to develop her powers, but they have a mind of their own and with Mr. Amurat trapped in the underworld, she has no choice but to embrace them.
Hindered by an ever-changing landscape full of dangerous inhabitants and guided by an untrustworthy shape-shifting cat, Larkin must free Mr. Amurat from his captor, the evil Principal Reameny, get Benny home alive, and overcome an unexpected betrayal—before the next sunrise.
Larkin Shift and The Hall of Two Truths is a 45,000 word middle grade novel and is the first in a planned series.
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5 comments:
I'm not an expert, but I like #1. The fact that she has powers but doesn't want to be different made me want to continue reading.
#2 is well written and concise. the opening sentence holds the reader on edge--eveery minute counts. Why? The reader has to continue to find out.
Query #1, paragraph 2, is confusing for the reader.
Thanks guys. I appreciate the feedback. I'll work on Q2 P2.
I think you should try putting #1 and #2 together:
Larkin’s is a rescue mission where every minute counts. Each passing second brings her friend Benny closer to death and means losing Mr Amurat, the one person that can help her control her innate magical ability.
Mr. Amurat is trapped in the Egyptian Underworld as a pawn in Principal Reameny’s quest to overthrow the sun god, Ra. Unless Larkin and her friends can stop Principal Reameny, the Earth will plunge into eternal darkness and chaos.
Hindered by an ever-changing landscape and dangerous inhabitants of the mythic Underworld, and guided by a shape-shifting cat, Larkin must free Mr. Amurat from his captor, get Benny home alive, and overcome an unexpected betrayal— all before the next sunrise.
Larkin Shift and The Hall of Two Truths is a 45,000 word middle grade novel and is the first in a planned series.
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