A revision of this query has been posted. Click here to read it.
Click here to read the second revision.
Dear Mr. /Ms. Agent:
When four childhood friends accidentally kill a school bully, they make a pact of silence – never meet each other again and never talk about their crime to anyone, but someone knows their secret, and decades later the four friends confront their past one final time.
Growing up in a small town of India, twelve-year old best friends Dev, Avi, Anita and Jeet come from broken families. Bullied relentlessly by older boys and abused by a school teacher, their friendship is the only wonderful thing in their lives.
The town has a violent history of religious and political tensions. One day, after a bomb explodes in front of an old mosque, a riot erupts between the Hindus and Muslims and the four friends are trapped. Tormented by the carnage they witness, their rage at the bullying Bappa, who assaults them, turns fatal.
Torn by guilt, they go their separate ways. Over their unfulfilled lives, the memory of the death grows stronger, like a festering wound. Twenty years later, an unknown man sends them a message – it’s time for atonement.
They return to the town as strangers to each other, their friendship forgotten. When Avi is assaulted and beaten near death, they know the man who called them back wants them to atone with their lives. The four friends have nothing but their old friendship to save themselves.
My 84,000 word literary fiction, A DARKER DAWN, explores how one terrible mistake can destroy many lives, and how friendship survives when all other relationships desert.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Kind Regards,
Rohit Gore
May 31, 2009
Query - HOLLOW SOULS
Click here to read the second revision.
Dear Mr./Ms. Agent:
In recent decades, the world has become increasingly more dangerous and more restrictive, making many people long for a refuge like Ruby Hollow – a secret, subterranean haven that unites families from all cultures, religions, and persuasions; supports innovation while preserving old-fashioned ideals; and enables lost souls to find solace and purpose.
Devi Marconi, an unhappy housewife and mother, first shares the legend of this mysterious, century-old utopia with her youngest child, Olivia, following a particularly horrid day in 1970s-era New Orleans. Years later, Olivia, now a teenaged artist, has wearied of her mother’s inexplicable depression, until she discovers a cache of love letters from the “hero” of Devi’s bedtime tales, and suddenly realizes the Hollow is an actual place. Through these illuminating pages, she learns about the unexpected pregnancy that prevented her mother’s return to the strange underworld into which she’d stumbled as a child. Despite her doubts, Olivia confesses her find, yearning to know more about Devi’s long-lost home. But it isn’t until a road trip to Kentucky that Devi is finally able to introduce Olivia to the beloved cave-dwellers that once inspired her stories, and to the only place where she’s ever truly belonged...
Since growing up in New Orleans and studying film, literature, and creative writing at Northwestern University, I’ve held a variety of positions, from ecotourism journalist to travel guide author – with publishing credits that include MOON MICHIGAN (Avalon Travel, 2009). Once, on assignment in Kentucky, I toured the dark, twisting passages of Mammoth Cave, which eventually sparked HOLLOW SOULS, a 150,000-word literary/mainstream novel that proves it’s never too late to find one’s place in the world. While researching cave geology and varied cultures for the Hollow, I created detailed maps, census records, and the history of founder Ruby Fitzgerald, a dedicated abolitionist and the inspiration for my second novel, currently in progress.
Thank you for considering the possibility of representing my work. If you would like to view the complete synopsis, proposal, or manuscript, please visit my website – www.rubyhollow.com – or contact me via the email, phone, or mailing information listed above. I’ve enclosed a brief synopsis and an SASE for your convenience. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Laura Martone
Dear Mr./Ms. Agent:
In recent decades, the world has become increasingly more dangerous and more restrictive, making many people long for a refuge like Ruby Hollow – a secret, subterranean haven that unites families from all cultures, religions, and persuasions; supports innovation while preserving old-fashioned ideals; and enables lost souls to find solace and purpose.
Devi Marconi, an unhappy housewife and mother, first shares the legend of this mysterious, century-old utopia with her youngest child, Olivia, following a particularly horrid day in 1970s-era New Orleans. Years later, Olivia, now a teenaged artist, has wearied of her mother’s inexplicable depression, until she discovers a cache of love letters from the “hero” of Devi’s bedtime tales, and suddenly realizes the Hollow is an actual place. Through these illuminating pages, she learns about the unexpected pregnancy that prevented her mother’s return to the strange underworld into which she’d stumbled as a child. Despite her doubts, Olivia confesses her find, yearning to know more about Devi’s long-lost home. But it isn’t until a road trip to Kentucky that Devi is finally able to introduce Olivia to the beloved cave-dwellers that once inspired her stories, and to the only place where she’s ever truly belonged...
Since growing up in New Orleans and studying film, literature, and creative writing at Northwestern University, I’ve held a variety of positions, from ecotourism journalist to travel guide author – with publishing credits that include MOON MICHIGAN (Avalon Travel, 2009). Once, on assignment in Kentucky, I toured the dark, twisting passages of Mammoth Cave, which eventually sparked HOLLOW SOULS, a 150,000-word literary/mainstream novel that proves it’s never too late to find one’s place in the world. While researching cave geology and varied cultures for the Hollow, I created detailed maps, census records, and the history of founder Ruby Fitzgerald, a dedicated abolitionist and the inspiration for my second novel, currently in progress.
Thank you for considering the possibility of representing my work. If you would like to view the complete synopsis, proposal, or manuscript, please visit my website – www.rubyhollow.com – or contact me via the email, phone, or mailing information listed above. I’ve enclosed a brief synopsis and an SASE for your convenience. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Laura Martone
May 30, 2009
Query Raising Kain: Diseased God
I would like to submit my short novel Raising Kain: Diseased God to the *** Literary agency for representation resulting in eventual publication. It is a novel that is exactly 44,560 words long, by the count of Microsoft Word.
I consider Raising Kain: Diseased God a combination of the Fantasy and Mythology genres. There are aspects about the novel that I would also consider Science Fiction because of the fact that a lot of the magic used by the powerful beings that exist in the story is more of a type of telepathy than actual magic. I would also say that there are some aspects of horror in the novel. The villain is an undead god of Disease named Pestilence after the biblical figure of one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Raising Kain: Diseased God is the novel about a six year old boy named Apophis Kain. Kain is the child of Celita and Ouranus, the rulers of Atlantis and Gods in their own rights. The six year old protagonist is thrust into a Spartanesque training program headed by his aunt, the Aspect of the Earth Gaia. Gaia was told by Destiny himself that Kain would one day be her replacement as the Aspect of the Earth and, throughout the course of the novel (which covers the time in Kain's life from age six-nine) Gaia teaches the boy to fight and how the world around him works. Their training is interrupted, though, by a being named Pestilence. Pestilence is one of the three Dark Aspects, and is an undead disease ridden being. He is hell bent on getting revenge on Gaia, his former master before he was transformed into the Dark Aspect, by putting Kain through a veritable hell.
I would like to embark on a career as an author, and Raising Kain: Diseased God is my first completed novel. I have one prior publication credit in Concord Universitys literary magazine Reflexes. I intend on expanding Raising Kain into a trilogy relating the tail of Kains first trip into adulthood, with the possibility of another trilogy or two based on the outcome of the first. I am working on a second novel right now, but it is not the second book in the series.
I have the prologue and first chapter available on my blog: http://ryanmsmith1986.blogspot.com/2009/05/heres-what-every-body-has-been-waiting.html
More material is available upon request, and I do want to thank you for your consideration of my novel, Raising Kain: Diseased God, and I hope to hear good news from you soon.
Sincerely,
Ryan M. Smith
I consider Raising Kain: Diseased God a combination of the Fantasy and Mythology genres. There are aspects about the novel that I would also consider Science Fiction because of the fact that a lot of the magic used by the powerful beings that exist in the story is more of a type of telepathy than actual magic. I would also say that there are some aspects of horror in the novel. The villain is an undead god of Disease named Pestilence after the biblical figure of one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Raising Kain: Diseased God is the novel about a six year old boy named Apophis Kain. Kain is the child of Celita and Ouranus, the rulers of Atlantis and Gods in their own rights. The six year old protagonist is thrust into a Spartanesque training program headed by his aunt, the Aspect of the Earth Gaia. Gaia was told by Destiny himself that Kain would one day be her replacement as the Aspect of the Earth and, throughout the course of the novel (which covers the time in Kain's life from age six-nine) Gaia teaches the boy to fight and how the world around him works. Their training is interrupted, though, by a being named Pestilence. Pestilence is one of the three Dark Aspects, and is an undead disease ridden being. He is hell bent on getting revenge on Gaia, his former master before he was transformed into the Dark Aspect, by putting Kain through a veritable hell.
I would like to embark on a career as an author, and Raising Kain: Diseased God is my first completed novel. I have one prior publication credit in Concord Universitys literary magazine Reflexes. I intend on expanding Raising Kain into a trilogy relating the tail of Kains first trip into adulthood, with the possibility of another trilogy or two based on the outcome of the first. I am working on a second novel right now, but it is not the second book in the series.
I have the prologue and first chapter available on my blog: http://ryanmsmith1986.blogspot.com/2009/05/heres-what-every-body-has-been-waiting.html
More material is available upon request, and I do want to thank you for your consideration of my novel, Raising Kain: Diseased God, and I hope to hear good news from you soon.
Sincerely,
Ryan M. Smith
Query- Story for a Shipwright (Revision 5)
Click here to read the original query and sample pages.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Click here to read the fourth revision.
Shipwright and aspiring novelist, Samuel Wesley, has never seen a girl spear a fish at twenty feet or behead a garter snake with the throw of a knife. Then again, his life affords little opportunity, let alone time. The problem is not so much living in Down East Maine, as trying to run the family business while keeping track of his 90-year-old grandfather and maintaining his family’s bed-and-breakfast.
Unexpectedly, Marlena arrives with all her peculiar ways. She’s only looking for a room, but Samuel’s mother hires her on the spot, just to keep an eye on his wandering grandfather. Samuel cannot afford the distraction, nor allow curiosity to override his reservations. Not until they begin sharing stories, that is.
Marlena tells about a captain’s shipwreck, a pregnant woman’s survival on an uninhabited island, and a girl’s rescue. Her farfetched tales leave Samuel wondering if they are merely the imaginings of a delusional girl. What he does not realize is that her stories are autobiographical, holding the key to his family’s ancestry and intertwining their pasts.
If he pursues her, he must compete with his womanizing best friend and confront suspicions over her motives. Yet, if he allows her walk out of his life, he misses out on an exceptional young woman and becoming part of her astonishing story.
I am seeking representation for this novel, STORY FOR A SHIPWRIGHT, a work of commercial fiction complete at 82,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Click here to read the fourth revision.
Shipwright and aspiring novelist, Samuel Wesley, has never seen a girl spear a fish at twenty feet or behead a garter snake with the throw of a knife. Then again, his life affords little opportunity, let alone time. The problem is not so much living in Down East Maine, as trying to run the family business while keeping track of his 90-year-old grandfather and maintaining his family’s bed-and-breakfast.
Unexpectedly, Marlena arrives with all her peculiar ways. She’s only looking for a room, but Samuel’s mother hires her on the spot, just to keep an eye on his wandering grandfather. Samuel cannot afford the distraction, nor allow curiosity to override his reservations. Not until they begin sharing stories, that is.
Marlena tells about a captain’s shipwreck, a pregnant woman’s survival on an uninhabited island, and a girl’s rescue. Her farfetched tales leave Samuel wondering if they are merely the imaginings of a delusional girl. What he does not realize is that her stories are autobiographical, holding the key to his family’s ancestry and intertwining their pasts.
If he pursues her, he must compete with his womanizing best friend and confront suspicions over her motives. Yet, if he allows her walk out of his life, he misses out on an exceptional young woman and becoming part of her astonishing story.
I am seeking representation for this novel, STORY FOR A SHIPWRIGHT, a work of commercial fiction complete at 82,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.
May 26, 2009
Query-The Eternal Link (Version 2)
Click here to read the original query.
*any comments would be really helpful to me! thanks in advance!
Dear Mr./Ms. Agent,
I am seeking representation for my 80,000 word young adult fantasy novel, THE ETERNAL LINK.
Trees start talking, entire ancient villages appear out of thin air, and the wizard Valmont arrives in the 3000 CE ready to trample all who get between him and immortal power. All this, because sixteen-year old Catalina wants to find her true mother and instead causes a rift in time that collides the magical past and the high-tech future.
With the two worlds merging at an alarming rate and time leaps occurring as close as a few feet away, Catalina accepts her responsibility to restore order as an Eternal, a keeper of time. With so little of her magic developed, Catalina tries to renew the powers of the Eternal before her, an old wizard whose weakness caused Catalina to be chosen in his place. But with time literally running out and Valmont closing in, Catalina chooses between holding onto her hopes of a life with her real mother or her duty to return time to its proper state. A state where nothing is left of her new friends, her mother, or the boy she comes to love than a 2,000 year old memory.
*any comments would be really helpful to me! thanks in advance!
Dear Mr./Ms. Agent,
I am seeking representation for my 80,000 word young adult fantasy novel, THE ETERNAL LINK.
Trees start talking, entire ancient villages appear out of thin air, and the wizard Valmont arrives in the 3000 CE ready to trample all who get between him and immortal power. All this, because sixteen-year old Catalina wants to find her true mother and instead causes a rift in time that collides the magical past and the high-tech future.
With the two worlds merging at an alarming rate and time leaps occurring as close as a few feet away, Catalina accepts her responsibility to restore order as an Eternal, a keeper of time. With so little of her magic developed, Catalina tries to renew the powers of the Eternal before her, an old wizard whose weakness caused Catalina to be chosen in his place. But with time literally running out and Valmont closing in, Catalina chooses between holding onto her hopes of a life with her real mother or her duty to return time to its proper state. A state where nothing is left of her new friends, her mother, or the boy she comes to love than a 2,000 year old memory.
May 24, 2009
Query - Nowhere to Run
Dear agent:
Corporate greed and one man’s plan for vengence collide in NOWHERE TO RUN, a 96,000 word dark romantic suspense, for which I am seeking representation.
Shae McCrary is a runner. Not in a sweaty, aerobic way, but in a jump-on-a-bus-because-the-boyfriend-proposed sort of way. She has a bad habit of sneaking away when her personal life gets jumbled, and right now, with her journalism career in shambles and strangers following her and ransacking her apartment, she’s definitely jumbled. When a man who would look more at home in a war zone than Greenwich Village grabs her outside her building, she decides he’s marginally less threatening than the bozos upstairs. And he flaunts the one thing that could bring her to a squealing halt: inside information on the story she just got canned for writing.
Noah Cole’s been buried in the underside of global politics for a lot of years, providing security for anyone who can afford his protection. Enough years to know when he’s being suckered: when the pesky reporter blinks those big brown eyes at him, says she teaches elementary school or some such nonsense, and couldn’t possibly know why his client called her hours before being kidnapped in Baghdad. Or how she’s come to be the next target.
So Cole does what he does best: snatches her before anyone else can, sure he can keep her alive long enough to get information out of her. And if seduction is the only thing that makes her talk, well, he can get past his aversion for her to make the sacrifice. But as the stakes go up, and the cost of justice becomes Shae herself, will he be able to let go of the woman who’s conned her way into his heart?
I am a member of Romance Writers Association of America. I have been published in nonfiction articles in international conflict and diplomacy, and am under contract for two nonfiction books with Syracuse University Press and Cambridge Press (UK).
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Corporate greed and one man’s plan for vengence collide in NOWHERE TO RUN, a 96,000 word dark romantic suspense, for which I am seeking representation.
Shae McCrary is a runner. Not in a sweaty, aerobic way, but in a jump-on-a-bus-because-the-boyfriend-proposed sort of way. She has a bad habit of sneaking away when her personal life gets jumbled, and right now, with her journalism career in shambles and strangers following her and ransacking her apartment, she’s definitely jumbled. When a man who would look more at home in a war zone than Greenwich Village grabs her outside her building, she decides he’s marginally less threatening than the bozos upstairs. And he flaunts the one thing that could bring her to a squealing halt: inside information on the story she just got canned for writing.
Noah Cole’s been buried in the underside of global politics for a lot of years, providing security for anyone who can afford his protection. Enough years to know when he’s being suckered: when the pesky reporter blinks those big brown eyes at him, says she teaches elementary school or some such nonsense, and couldn’t possibly know why his client called her hours before being kidnapped in Baghdad. Or how she’s come to be the next target.
So Cole does what he does best: snatches her before anyone else can, sure he can keep her alive long enough to get information out of her. And if seduction is the only thing that makes her talk, well, he can get past his aversion for her to make the sacrifice. But as the stakes go up, and the cost of justice becomes Shae herself, will he be able to let go of the woman who’s conned her way into his heart?
I am a member of Romance Writers Association of America. I have been published in nonfiction articles in international conflict and diplomacy, and am under contract for two nonfiction books with Syracuse University Press and Cambridge Press (UK).
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Query - The Wolf Of The Sea
A Pictish princess and a prophet of the future, Loxa is apprenticed to the old seer of her tribe. The king, her uncle, decides she is to marry his son, an honour that she can't refuse, despite their mutual loathing. Locked into a loveless marriage that her husband cannot bring himself to consummate, she is hounded by the Christian priest who is fearful of her powers, while terror comes to the kingdom's shores, as Norse longships are seen sailing into the bay.
Almost captured by the fearsome Norseman, Jorund, she finds that she cannot stop thinking about him long after the invaders have left. Unhappy with her life, in a village where it is whispered she is barren, Loxa seeks hope in her ability to predict future events. But seeing that she is to follow her husband to live and rule in a neighbouring kingdom, she refuses to leave. After being drugged, she wakes to find that she has been transported while unconscious.
Away from her kin and misunderstood in her new home, Loxa is almost relieved when the Norsemen strike again. As she re-encounters Jorund, she knows that he means abduct her and does not lament being taken across the sea. The new world she enters is unlike any she has known, where her powers are respected and she is honoured as Jorund's woman.
The Norsemen continue to make raids across the water and Loxa is left distraught when Jorund does not return from a skirmish. As she plans to take her life and honourably join him in Valhalla, Loxa finds that she is pregnant and choses to live for Jorund's child. As attacks come from surrounding tribes, Loxa and her son escape with the remaining villagers over the sea, arriving back in the bay where she was raised.
Under pressure to return to her husband, Loxa fights that the marriage be annulled. The king disagrees as there is no evidence that Jorund is alive and that he is able to claim her and their son. Loxa's predictions allow her to see that Jorund will return the day after a ball of fire flies across the night sky, but these claims are not believed. The evening before the priest is take her back to the neighbouring lands, a comet is seen clearly moving across the horizon.
The villagers wait with Loxa the next day to witness the arrive of the Norseman, but it is not until sunset that a small skiff is seen entering into the bay.
THE WOLF OF THE SEA is a work of historical fiction, complete at 90,000 words.
Almost captured by the fearsome Norseman, Jorund, she finds that she cannot stop thinking about him long after the invaders have left. Unhappy with her life, in a village where it is whispered she is barren, Loxa seeks hope in her ability to predict future events. But seeing that she is to follow her husband to live and rule in a neighbouring kingdom, she refuses to leave. After being drugged, she wakes to find that she has been transported while unconscious.
Away from her kin and misunderstood in her new home, Loxa is almost relieved when the Norsemen strike again. As she re-encounters Jorund, she knows that he means abduct her and does not lament being taken across the sea. The new world she enters is unlike any she has known, where her powers are respected and she is honoured as Jorund's woman.
The Norsemen continue to make raids across the water and Loxa is left distraught when Jorund does not return from a skirmish. As she plans to take her life and honourably join him in Valhalla, Loxa finds that she is pregnant and choses to live for Jorund's child. As attacks come from surrounding tribes, Loxa and her son escape with the remaining villagers over the sea, arriving back in the bay where she was raised.
Under pressure to return to her husband, Loxa fights that the marriage be annulled. The king disagrees as there is no evidence that Jorund is alive and that he is able to claim her and their son. Loxa's predictions allow her to see that Jorund will return the day after a ball of fire flies across the night sky, but these claims are not believed. The evening before the priest is take her back to the neighbouring lands, a comet is seen clearly moving across the horizon.
The villagers wait with Loxa the next day to witness the arrive of the Norseman, but it is not until sunset that a small skiff is seen entering into the bay.
THE WOLF OF THE SEA is a work of historical fiction, complete at 90,000 words.
May 23, 2009
Query - Story for a Shipwright (Revision 4)
Click here to read the original query and sample pages.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Click here to read the fifth revision.
Shipwright Samuel Wesley has never seen a girl spear a fish at twenty feet or behead a garter snake with the throw of a knife. Then again, living in Down East Maine, trying to run a family business while keeping track of his 90 year-old grandfather and maintaining his family’s bed-and-breakfast affords little opportunity, let alone time. Even so, when Marlena unexpectedly arrives with all her peculiar ways, looking for a room, and his mother hires her on the spot to keep an eye on his wandering grandfather, Samuel does not allow his curiosity to override his reservations. Not until they begin sharing stories, that is.
Marlena tells about a captain’s shipwreck, a pregnant woman’s survival on an uninhabited island, and a girl’s rescue. Her farfetched tales leave Samuel wondering if they are merely the imaginings of a delusional girl. What he does not realize is that her stories are autobiographical, holding the key to his family’s ancestry and intertwining their pasts—explaining why she has sought him out.
If he risks pursuing her, he must compete with his womanizing best friend and confront suspicions over her motives. If he allows her walk out of his life, he misses out on an exceptional young woman and becoming part of her astonishing story.
When an ordinary life converges with the extraordinary, will Marlena and Samuel, through their own unique perceptions, help each other find the home and love we are all looking for?
I am seeking representation for this novel, STORY FOR A SHIPWRIGHT, a work of commercial fiction complete at 82,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Click here to read the fifth revision.
Shipwright Samuel Wesley has never seen a girl spear a fish at twenty feet or behead a garter snake with the throw of a knife. Then again, living in Down East Maine, trying to run a family business while keeping track of his 90 year-old grandfather and maintaining his family’s bed-and-breakfast affords little opportunity, let alone time. Even so, when Marlena unexpectedly arrives with all her peculiar ways, looking for a room, and his mother hires her on the spot to keep an eye on his wandering grandfather, Samuel does not allow his curiosity to override his reservations. Not until they begin sharing stories, that is.
Marlena tells about a captain’s shipwreck, a pregnant woman’s survival on an uninhabited island, and a girl’s rescue. Her farfetched tales leave Samuel wondering if they are merely the imaginings of a delusional girl. What he does not realize is that her stories are autobiographical, holding the key to his family’s ancestry and intertwining their pasts—explaining why she has sought him out.
If he risks pursuing her, he must compete with his womanizing best friend and confront suspicions over her motives. If he allows her walk out of his life, he misses out on an exceptional young woman and becoming part of her astonishing story.
When an ordinary life converges with the extraordinary, will Marlena and Samuel, through their own unique perceptions, help each other find the home and love we are all looking for?
I am seeking representation for this novel, STORY FOR A SHIPWRIGHT, a work of commercial fiction complete at 82,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.
May 22, 2009
A follow up to my post on revisions
Click here to read a very worthwhile counter-point on why you should not revise the hell out of your queries.
Thanks to Authoress at Miss Snark's First Victim for putting this together, she makes some very good points, then main one being that an over-shopped query can lose the voice of the author...
Thanks to Authoress at Miss Snark's First Victim for putting this together, she makes some very good points, then main one being that an over-shopped query can lose the voice of the author...
May 21, 2009
Revisions and Resubmissions
Two agents addressed the topic of re-querying on their blogs today. I'm guessing that the vast majority of you already read both posts, but just in case you haven't, here are the links:
Click here to read Nathan Bransford's perspective on re-querying.
Click here to read Jessica Faust's perspective.
As for re-submitting queries to this blog, I'm all for it. A few submitters have thanked me for my patience in posting multiple revisions, but there's no need. I'm happy to help out, especially when there aren't many new queries coming in (NOTE: send queries. I can't make the hint any more obvious). I would rather have you fine tune your queries over several revisions here than miss a shot with the agent of your dreams.
jbchicoine put it in a great perspective with this comment on the fourth revision of the RAINGUN query:
"I found it very helpful, reading what others had to say, and how you applied it. I think what you've learned has also made the critiques you've offered very helpful."
So please keep 'em coming, whether they are new queries or new versions of old queries...
Click here to read Nathan Bransford's perspective on re-querying.
Click here to read Jessica Faust's perspective.
As for re-submitting queries to this blog, I'm all for it. A few submitters have thanked me for my patience in posting multiple revisions, but there's no need. I'm happy to help out, especially when there aren't many new queries coming in (NOTE: send queries. I can't make the hint any more obvious). I would rather have you fine tune your queries over several revisions here than miss a shot with the agent of your dreams.
jbchicoine put it in a great perspective with this comment on the fourth revision of the RAINGUN query:
"I found it very helpful, reading what others had to say, and how you applied it. I think what you've learned has also made the critiques you've offered very helpful."
So please keep 'em coming, whether they are new queries or new versions of old queries...
May 20, 2009
Query- Story for a Shipwright (Revision 3)
Click here to read the original query and sample pages.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the fourth revision.
What kind of girl can spear a fish at twenty feet and behead a garter snake with the throw of a knife? Shipwright and aspiring novelist Samuel Wesley, has to wonder. Weighed down with family dysfunction and responsibilities, he has no time for himself, let alone peculiar Marlena, hired to stay on at his mother’s bed & breakfast. Samuel remains aloof, yet her preoccupation with his writing erodes his disinterest.
Finally, Marlena reveals a story of her own about a captain’s shipwreck, a pregnant woman’s survival on an uninhabited island, and a girl’s rescue. Her farfetched tales leave Samuel wondering if they are merely the imaginings of a delusional girl. What he does not realize is that her stories are true, holding the key to his family’s ancestry and intertwining their pasts.
If he risks pursuing her, he must compete with his womanizing best friend and confront suspicions over her motives. Yet Samuel’s biggest obstacle is his own emotional fallout from repressed memories and facing up to his grandfather’s dementia. If he lets her walk out of his life, he will miss out on an exceptional woman and becoming part of her astonishing story.
Ordinary life converges with extraordinary, when Marlena and Samuel, through their own unique perceptions, help each other find the home and love we are all looking for.
I am seeking representation for this novel STORY FOR A SHIPWRIGHT, a work of commercial fiction complete at 82,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the fourth revision.
What kind of girl can spear a fish at twenty feet and behead a garter snake with the throw of a knife? Shipwright and aspiring novelist Samuel Wesley, has to wonder. Weighed down with family dysfunction and responsibilities, he has no time for himself, let alone peculiar Marlena, hired to stay on at his mother’s bed & breakfast. Samuel remains aloof, yet her preoccupation with his writing erodes his disinterest.
Finally, Marlena reveals a story of her own about a captain’s shipwreck, a pregnant woman’s survival on an uninhabited island, and a girl’s rescue. Her farfetched tales leave Samuel wondering if they are merely the imaginings of a delusional girl. What he does not realize is that her stories are true, holding the key to his family’s ancestry and intertwining their pasts.
If he risks pursuing her, he must compete with his womanizing best friend and confront suspicions over her motives. Yet Samuel’s biggest obstacle is his own emotional fallout from repressed memories and facing up to his grandfather’s dementia. If he lets her walk out of his life, he will miss out on an exceptional woman and becoming part of her astonishing story.
Ordinary life converges with extraordinary, when Marlena and Samuel, through their own unique perceptions, help each other find the home and love we are all looking for.
I am seeking representation for this novel STORY FOR A SHIPWRIGHT, a work of commercial fiction complete at 82,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.
May 19, 2009
QUERY --- RAINGUN (fifth revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Click here to read the fourth revision.
Everyone thinks Rick Rivoire’s a hero. He faced down ruthless musketeers and pirates attacking his hometown, so why wouldn't they? But he’s a heel! Earlier that same day, he brutishly humiliated an innocent girl, then begrudged her the credit she got for her own bravery. Rick struggles daily to rise above the childish spite from his own past abuse and romantic disappointments.
Rick needs to escape to a new life! He’s offered a place in a new cavalry regiment, one just for mages. When bad weather sidelines muskets and cannon, the “Rainguns” stay deadly, striking with magic from conjured steeds of shadow. But dangerous times are coming, and it will be hard to keep above the fray as the army’s factions form and turn against each other. Will joining the mysterious ranks of the Rainguns further Rick’s plans to better himself? Or will religious strife and conflicting loyalties force him to compromise his soul?
RAINGUN is an adult fantasy novel of 84,000 words. Thank you for your valuable time!
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Click here to read the fourth revision.
Everyone thinks Rick Rivoire’s a hero. He faced down ruthless musketeers and pirates attacking his hometown, so why wouldn't they? But he’s a heel! Earlier that same day, he brutishly humiliated an innocent girl, then begrudged her the credit she got for her own bravery. Rick struggles daily to rise above the childish spite from his own past abuse and romantic disappointments.
Rick needs to escape to a new life! He’s offered a place in a new cavalry regiment, one just for mages. When bad weather sidelines muskets and cannon, the “Rainguns” stay deadly, striking with magic from conjured steeds of shadow. But dangerous times are coming, and it will be hard to keep above the fray as the army’s factions form and turn against each other. Will joining the mysterious ranks of the Rainguns further Rick’s plans to better himself? Or will religious strife and conflicting loyalties force him to compromise his soul?
RAINGUN is an adult fantasy novel of 84,000 words. Thank you for your valuable time!
May 15, 2009
Query- Story for a Shipwright (Revision 2)
Click here to read the original query and sample pages.
Click here to read the first revision.
I am seeking representation for my novel STORY FOR A SHIPWRIGHT, a work of commercial fiction complete at 82,000 words.
Family dysfunction and responsibilities weigh on shipwright and aspiring novelist Samuel Wesley; he has no time for himself, let alone naïve Marlena, hired to stay on at his mother’s bed & breakfast. A story within a story develops when she reveals a tale of a captain’s shipwreck, a pregnant woman’s survival on an uninhabited island and a girl’s rescue. Her farfetched stories leave Samuel wondering if they are merely the imaginings of a delusional girl—what he does not realize is that her stories are autobiographical, holding the key to his family’s ancestry, and will launch him into recollections of his own repressed memories.
If he risks pursuing her, he must compete with his womanizing friend, and confront suspicions over her motives, while keeping his own emotional fallout at bay. If he does not, he could miss out on an extraordinary woman and becoming part of her incredible story.
Marlena and Samuel, through their own unique perceptions, help each other find the home and love we are all looking for.
Thank you for your consideration.
Click here to read the first revision.
I am seeking representation for my novel STORY FOR A SHIPWRIGHT, a work of commercial fiction complete at 82,000 words.
Family dysfunction and responsibilities weigh on shipwright and aspiring novelist Samuel Wesley; he has no time for himself, let alone naïve Marlena, hired to stay on at his mother’s bed & breakfast. A story within a story develops when she reveals a tale of a captain’s shipwreck, a pregnant woman’s survival on an uninhabited island and a girl’s rescue. Her farfetched stories leave Samuel wondering if they are merely the imaginings of a delusional girl—what he does not realize is that her stories are autobiographical, holding the key to his family’s ancestry, and will launch him into recollections of his own repressed memories.
If he risks pursuing her, he must compete with his womanizing friend, and confront suspicions over her motives, while keeping his own emotional fallout at bay. If he does not, he could miss out on an extraordinary woman and becoming part of her incredible story.
Marlena and Samuel, through their own unique perceptions, help each other find the home and love we are all looking for.
Thank you for your consideration.
Query- Story for a Shipwright (Revision 1)
Click here to read the original query and sample pages.
I am seeking representation for my novel STORY FOR A SHIPWRIGHT, a work of commercial fiction complete at 82,000 words.
Family dysfunction and responsibilities weigh on Samuel Wesley; he has no time for himself, let alone naïve Marlena, hired to stay on at his mother’s bed & breakfast. A story within a story develops when she reveals a tale of shipwreck and survival. Her farfetched stories leave Samuel wondering if they are merely the imaginings of a delusional girl—he cannot possibly know she holds the key to his family’s past; that she will launch him into recollections of his own repressed memories.
Samuel’s intrigue grows, and so do his feelings for Marlena. Now he must compete with his womanizing best friend, and quell his psychiatrist brother’s suspicions over her motives, while keeping his own emotional fallout at bay.
If he pursues the relationship, he risks yet another failed romance, and complicates his already thorny life. Yet if he does not see it through, he will miss out on the most extraordinary woman, and incredible story he could ever imagine.
Marlena and Samuel, through their own unique perceptions, help each other find the home and love we are all looking for. This character driven exploration, of our needs versus wants in a world where ordinary converges with extraordinary, resonates with all who have been at the crossroads of personal and familial reconciliation and discovery.
Thank you for your consideration.
I am seeking representation for my novel STORY FOR A SHIPWRIGHT, a work of commercial fiction complete at 82,000 words.
Family dysfunction and responsibilities weigh on Samuel Wesley; he has no time for himself, let alone naïve Marlena, hired to stay on at his mother’s bed & breakfast. A story within a story develops when she reveals a tale of shipwreck and survival. Her farfetched stories leave Samuel wondering if they are merely the imaginings of a delusional girl—he cannot possibly know she holds the key to his family’s past; that she will launch him into recollections of his own repressed memories.
Samuel’s intrigue grows, and so do his feelings for Marlena. Now he must compete with his womanizing best friend, and quell his psychiatrist brother’s suspicions over her motives, while keeping his own emotional fallout at bay.
If he pursues the relationship, he risks yet another failed romance, and complicates his already thorny life. Yet if he does not see it through, he will miss out on the most extraordinary woman, and incredible story he could ever imagine.
Marlena and Samuel, through their own unique perceptions, help each other find the home and love we are all looking for. This character driven exploration, of our needs versus wants in a world where ordinary converges with extraordinary, resonates with all who have been at the crossroads of personal and familial reconciliation and discovery.
Thank you for your consideration.
Query- Story for a Shipwright
A revision of this query has been posted. Click here to read it.
Click here to read the most recent revision.
I am seeking representation for Story for a Shipwright, a General Fiction novel with romantic undercurrents of 82,000 words.
Shipwreck is more than a metaphor, when a peculiar waif, harboring a century old secret, drifts into the stagnating life of a Maine shipwright.
Family dysfunction and responsibilities weigh on Samuel Wesley; he has no time for himself, let alone naïve Marlena, hired to stay on at his mother’s bed & breakfast. A story within a story develops when she reveals a tale of shipwreck and survival. Her farfetched stories leave Samuel wondering if they are merely the imaginings of a delusional girl—he cannot possibly know she holds the key to his family’s past; that she will launch him into recollections of his own repressed memories.
Samuel’s intrigue grows, and so do his feelings for Marlena. Now he must compete with his womanizing best friend, and quell his psychiatrist brother’s suspicions over her motives, while keeping his own emotional fallout at bay.
If he pursues the relationship, he risks yet another failed romance, and complicates his already thorny life. Yet if he does not see it through, he will miss out on the most extraordinary woman, and incredible story he could ever imagine.
Marlena and Samuel, through their own unique perceptions, help each other find the home and love we are all looking for. This character driven exploration, of our needs versus wants in a world where ordinary converges with extraordinary, resonates with all who have been at the crossroads of personal and familial reconciliation and discovery.
Thank you for your consideration.
First 4 Pages:
The faintest odor of diesel lingered in the salt air as I hurried from our bed-and-breakfast, across the dooryard toward the boathouse, just as I do every morning. Coffee in my mug warmed my hands; it’s aroma mingled with every breath, carried by the late frost congealing mud beneath my feet. As I stepped into a rut, rupturing a skin of ice, water splashed up and into my boot, and by the time I reached my destination, I felt damp and chilled from the drizzling rain.
To me, the air smelled like spring. Heavy, like mud. In the shop, it seemed to suspend everything—fine dust and particles, even time. When I’m working, I tend to lose track that way, and I can’t say for sure how long I had been running my sander—it could have been hours or perhaps only minutes—when I noticed an intruder. At first, I thought it might be my hired guy. Unfortunately, it wasn’t; unless he had taken up wearing skirts.
I doubt I would have noticed her at all except she managed to plant herself right there, in that spot where at high noon the sun shoots through that hole in the roof which won’t get fixed for a month. No one had seen the sun for two weeks, but in that moment, it split the clouds, thrust a shard through that narrow fissure and reflected off every hovering dust particle surrounding her. I hate to sound like a spiritualist, or worse yet, a romantic, but at first glance, she seemed like an apparition, haloed by glowing filaments of frizzed hair. Even the folds of her skirt were radiant. If not for her quirky suitcase, the size of a tackle box, I might have dropped to my knees.
Had I known her, I’m afraid I might have been right-out rude. I know everyone in this little town and tourists wouldn’t be showing up for another month. It occurred to me that she could be Mother’s new ‘Girl’; although, we had talked about it after the last one left and agreed that this year I would have at least some input in the selection process. Perhaps Mother made another one of her unilateral decisions and failed to mention it. Or maybe she did say something and I tuned her out the way I do when she begins wringing her hands. ‘Just add it to the list’ is what I usually tell her.
I suppose I expected impatience from this apparition, especially once the sun retreated and she was no longer ablaze. But she stood unperturbed and silent, as if she had been watching me for minutes, studying me without expectation, without concern over whether I would be so kind as to shut off the disk sander and acknowledge her. Which of course I did, but with my mother’s impatience.
“Are you looking for the bed-and-breakfast?” I shouted, as though my equipment were still running.
“I found it,” she said, “but no one’s around.”
At that moment, I remembered something about Mother taking Buck, my grandfather, to town. I know my eyes probably looked as if they were rolling right out of their sockets, belying my attempt to be nice, when I responded, “Why don’t you go wait on the front steps. Someone will be back soon.”
In spite of what came out abruptly, she smiled and walked away, apparently satisfied that I wasn’t trying to put her off unnecessarily; I mean, it was pretty obvious I couldn’t just drop everything. I pulled the respirator back over my face and started up the sander, but I continued watching her as she walked from the shadows out into the haze of the boatyard. In addition to her wild dark hair, which fell beyond her shoulders, I noticed she carried herself with the most nonchalant femininity I had ever seen. Just the same, I wasted no time, immersing myself in lists and deadlines, resolving to settle the hired help issue with Mother, later. Within minutes I had forgotten about her altogether. I figured that if she stayed on, she would be no different from all of Mother’s other Girls.
I had been up late, several nights in a row, scarfing that frame repair on a sloop I’d had in shop all winter. I don’t run a big operation, just a small family shipwright business handed down for generations, of which I am the seventh, and if life continues as is, the last. My regular guy, Mitch, was recovering from rotator cuff surgery, putting me as behind schedule as the arrival of spring. With only a few hours sleep, I started early at it again, finalizing the contour—real dusty work. Would love to have been doing it outside, but the boat is thirty immovable-feet long. Besides that, rain showers hadn’t let up for three days with no clear weather forecast for a week.
On the coast of Maine, the season following winter has less to do with a calendar date than it does the thaw—when ice melts, and mud takes over. We have spent the better part of five months suspended in the kind of cold that gnaws at our bones and blows through us, sucking breath from our lungs. So, when any weather resembling spring arrives, we lunge forward, only to trip headlong into the thick of mud season. It’s during this time of year that I work even longer and harder than usual, pushing to get boats in the water by Memorial Day.
Therefore, I worked without a break, the way I do once I’m into a project, right on through lunchtime. When I finally emerged, and only at the insistence of hunger pangs, I noticed the girl, still waiting on the front steps. I then realized Mother hadn’t returned with the car, that Buck’s appointment at the clinic must have involved an unusually long wait. Suddenly, I felt bad. She had been sitting under scant cover of the porch during intermittent downpours for at least several hours.
As I approached, plodding through deep and unavoidable furrows of softening earth, I noticed her reading, using that little suitcase as a desk in her lap. She glanced up at me with delight, as if only minutes had passed, not hours. And, she was smiling, which put me on edge. I was all at once aware of my disheveled appearance, but didn’t even bother brushing the dust from my thinning hair.
Embarrassed by my miscalculation, and knowing I couldn’t ignore her, I veered toward the stoop. She stuffed her book into a duffel bag as I approached, and when she stood, I hoped my reaction to her outfit didn’t show as a smirk on my face. Honestly, she looked like an orphan in her oversized clothes, anklet socks, and muddied white sneakers with mismatched laces. Not that I qualify as any kind of fashion critic, but she was about as poorly put together as the crew I’ve seen climb out of the daytrip van from the County Institution.
“I’m sorry,” I said, hoping to sound sincere, “I honestly thought my mother would be back sooner. I’m surprised she didn’t mention you were coming.” It would have been unnecessarily rude to tell her that I completely forgot she existed.
“It’s okay…I’m sort of unexpected. I didn’t make a reservation.” Dispelling my assumption that she was Mother’s new Girl, she continued, “Do I need a reservation to get a room for a week or two?”
In disbelief, I stared long enough to make her uncomfortable. “We aren’t open to guests for another month,” I said, “it’s right in our brochure.”
She winced. “Oh—I guess I don’t have one of those.”
I forced civility through my impatience. “Well, sorry…Can’t really help you there.”
For a moment, her expression went blank, turning to an embarrassed smile. She said,
“Okay…I’ll just come back in a month,” as if it weren’t any inconvenience at all. Then she looked at me with some unaccounted for familiarity, and said, “You’re Samuel Wesley.”
I gave her a squint and a nod, certain we had never met. I would have pursued it, but frankly, I didn’t want to encourage conversation.
Click here to read the most recent revision.
I am seeking representation for Story for a Shipwright, a General Fiction novel with romantic undercurrents of 82,000 words.
Shipwreck is more than a metaphor, when a peculiar waif, harboring a century old secret, drifts into the stagnating life of a Maine shipwright.
Family dysfunction and responsibilities weigh on Samuel Wesley; he has no time for himself, let alone naïve Marlena, hired to stay on at his mother’s bed & breakfast. A story within a story develops when she reveals a tale of shipwreck and survival. Her farfetched stories leave Samuel wondering if they are merely the imaginings of a delusional girl—he cannot possibly know she holds the key to his family’s past; that she will launch him into recollections of his own repressed memories.
Samuel’s intrigue grows, and so do his feelings for Marlena. Now he must compete with his womanizing best friend, and quell his psychiatrist brother’s suspicions over her motives, while keeping his own emotional fallout at bay.
If he pursues the relationship, he risks yet another failed romance, and complicates his already thorny life. Yet if he does not see it through, he will miss out on the most extraordinary woman, and incredible story he could ever imagine.
Marlena and Samuel, through their own unique perceptions, help each other find the home and love we are all looking for. This character driven exploration, of our needs versus wants in a world where ordinary converges with extraordinary, resonates with all who have been at the crossroads of personal and familial reconciliation and discovery.
Thank you for your consideration.
First 4 Pages:
The faintest odor of diesel lingered in the salt air as I hurried from our bed-and-breakfast, across the dooryard toward the boathouse, just as I do every morning. Coffee in my mug warmed my hands; it’s aroma mingled with every breath, carried by the late frost congealing mud beneath my feet. As I stepped into a rut, rupturing a skin of ice, water splashed up and into my boot, and by the time I reached my destination, I felt damp and chilled from the drizzling rain.
To me, the air smelled like spring. Heavy, like mud. In the shop, it seemed to suspend everything—fine dust and particles, even time. When I’m working, I tend to lose track that way, and I can’t say for sure how long I had been running my sander—it could have been hours or perhaps only minutes—when I noticed an intruder. At first, I thought it might be my hired guy. Unfortunately, it wasn’t; unless he had taken up wearing skirts.
I doubt I would have noticed her at all except she managed to plant herself right there, in that spot where at high noon the sun shoots through that hole in the roof which won’t get fixed for a month. No one had seen the sun for two weeks, but in that moment, it split the clouds, thrust a shard through that narrow fissure and reflected off every hovering dust particle surrounding her. I hate to sound like a spiritualist, or worse yet, a romantic, but at first glance, she seemed like an apparition, haloed by glowing filaments of frizzed hair. Even the folds of her skirt were radiant. If not for her quirky suitcase, the size of a tackle box, I might have dropped to my knees.
Had I known her, I’m afraid I might have been right-out rude. I know everyone in this little town and tourists wouldn’t be showing up for another month. It occurred to me that she could be Mother’s new ‘Girl’; although, we had talked about it after the last one left and agreed that this year I would have at least some input in the selection process. Perhaps Mother made another one of her unilateral decisions and failed to mention it. Or maybe she did say something and I tuned her out the way I do when she begins wringing her hands. ‘Just add it to the list’ is what I usually tell her.
I suppose I expected impatience from this apparition, especially once the sun retreated and she was no longer ablaze. But she stood unperturbed and silent, as if she had been watching me for minutes, studying me without expectation, without concern over whether I would be so kind as to shut off the disk sander and acknowledge her. Which of course I did, but with my mother’s impatience.
“Are you looking for the bed-and-breakfast?” I shouted, as though my equipment were still running.
“I found it,” she said, “but no one’s around.”
At that moment, I remembered something about Mother taking Buck, my grandfather, to town. I know my eyes probably looked as if they were rolling right out of their sockets, belying my attempt to be nice, when I responded, “Why don’t you go wait on the front steps. Someone will be back soon.”
In spite of what came out abruptly, she smiled and walked away, apparently satisfied that I wasn’t trying to put her off unnecessarily; I mean, it was pretty obvious I couldn’t just drop everything. I pulled the respirator back over my face and started up the sander, but I continued watching her as she walked from the shadows out into the haze of the boatyard. In addition to her wild dark hair, which fell beyond her shoulders, I noticed she carried herself with the most nonchalant femininity I had ever seen. Just the same, I wasted no time, immersing myself in lists and deadlines, resolving to settle the hired help issue with Mother, later. Within minutes I had forgotten about her altogether. I figured that if she stayed on, she would be no different from all of Mother’s other Girls.
I had been up late, several nights in a row, scarfing that frame repair on a sloop I’d had in shop all winter. I don’t run a big operation, just a small family shipwright business handed down for generations, of which I am the seventh, and if life continues as is, the last. My regular guy, Mitch, was recovering from rotator cuff surgery, putting me as behind schedule as the arrival of spring. With only a few hours sleep, I started early at it again, finalizing the contour—real dusty work. Would love to have been doing it outside, but the boat is thirty immovable-feet long. Besides that, rain showers hadn’t let up for three days with no clear weather forecast for a week.
On the coast of Maine, the season following winter has less to do with a calendar date than it does the thaw—when ice melts, and mud takes over. We have spent the better part of five months suspended in the kind of cold that gnaws at our bones and blows through us, sucking breath from our lungs. So, when any weather resembling spring arrives, we lunge forward, only to trip headlong into the thick of mud season. It’s during this time of year that I work even longer and harder than usual, pushing to get boats in the water by Memorial Day.
Therefore, I worked without a break, the way I do once I’m into a project, right on through lunchtime. When I finally emerged, and only at the insistence of hunger pangs, I noticed the girl, still waiting on the front steps. I then realized Mother hadn’t returned with the car, that Buck’s appointment at the clinic must have involved an unusually long wait. Suddenly, I felt bad. She had been sitting under scant cover of the porch during intermittent downpours for at least several hours.
As I approached, plodding through deep and unavoidable furrows of softening earth, I noticed her reading, using that little suitcase as a desk in her lap. She glanced up at me with delight, as if only minutes had passed, not hours. And, she was smiling, which put me on edge. I was all at once aware of my disheveled appearance, but didn’t even bother brushing the dust from my thinning hair.
Embarrassed by my miscalculation, and knowing I couldn’t ignore her, I veered toward the stoop. She stuffed her book into a duffel bag as I approached, and when she stood, I hoped my reaction to her outfit didn’t show as a smirk on my face. Honestly, she looked like an orphan in her oversized clothes, anklet socks, and muddied white sneakers with mismatched laces. Not that I qualify as any kind of fashion critic, but she was about as poorly put together as the crew I’ve seen climb out of the daytrip van from the County Institution.
“I’m sorry,” I said, hoping to sound sincere, “I honestly thought my mother would be back sooner. I’m surprised she didn’t mention you were coming.” It would have been unnecessarily rude to tell her that I completely forgot she existed.
“It’s okay…I’m sort of unexpected. I didn’t make a reservation.” Dispelling my assumption that she was Mother’s new Girl, she continued, “Do I need a reservation to get a room for a week or two?”
In disbelief, I stared long enough to make her uncomfortable. “We aren’t open to guests for another month,” I said, “it’s right in our brochure.”
She winced. “Oh—I guess I don’t have one of those.”
I forced civility through my impatience. “Well, sorry…Can’t really help you there.”
For a moment, her expression went blank, turning to an embarrassed smile. She said,
“Okay…I’ll just come back in a month,” as if it weren’t any inconvenience at all. Then she looked at me with some unaccounted for familiarity, and said, “You’re Samuel Wesley.”
I gave her a squint and a nod, certain we had never met. I would have pursued it, but frankly, I didn’t want to encourage conversation.
May 14, 2009
RAINGUN --- (fourth revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Even while defending neighbors from ruthless musketeers and bloodthirsty pirates, mage Rick Rivoire worries that he’s slipping into evil. His brutish humiliation of an innocent girl, and his private resentment of the credit due her for her own bravery, taints Rick’s apparent heroism. His early life’s disappointments haunt him relentlessly.
Rick resolves to remake himself with a new life. To escape the old, he joins a new cavalry regiment: one just for mages. Fighting with magic astride conjured spectral mounts, these "Rainguns" shine when bad weather disables muskets and cannon. But Rick’s orders go beyond what he expects. He is tasked not only to defend his people from evil forces, but also to support emerging policies of slavery and religious persecution. Will joining the Rainguns further Rick's plans to better himself? Or thwart them?
RAINGUN is an adult fantasy novel of 84,000 words. Thank you for your valuable time!
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Even while defending neighbors from ruthless musketeers and bloodthirsty pirates, mage Rick Rivoire worries that he’s slipping into evil. His brutish humiliation of an innocent girl, and his private resentment of the credit due her for her own bravery, taints Rick’s apparent heroism. His early life’s disappointments haunt him relentlessly.
Rick resolves to remake himself with a new life. To escape the old, he joins a new cavalry regiment: one just for mages. Fighting with magic astride conjured spectral mounts, these "Rainguns" shine when bad weather disables muskets and cannon. But Rick’s orders go beyond what he expects. He is tasked not only to defend his people from evil forces, but also to support emerging policies of slavery and religious persecution. Will joining the Rainguns further Rick's plans to better himself? Or thwart them?
RAINGUN is an adult fantasy novel of 84,000 words. Thank you for your valuable time!
QUERY --- RAINGUN (third revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the fourth revision.
Even while defending neighbors from ruthless musketeers and bloodthirsty pirates, mage Rick Rivoire wonders if he’s slipping right past permanent bitterness, and straight into evil. His apparent heroism feels tainted by ulterior resentments. His brutish humiliation of an innocent girl earlier that same day, haunts him. His past abuse, the neglect of his childhood, and his romantic disappointments hound his thoughts relentlessly.
Determined not to disappoint the valiant swordswoman who rescued him from torture at age nine, Rick resolves to remake himself with a new life. To escape the old, he joins a new cavalry regiment. One just for mages. They attack with magic, astride their conjured spectral mounts. These "Rainguns" shine when bad weather disables muskets and cannon.
But once signed up, Rick finds his orders to be more than he bargained for. He is tasked to not only defend his nation’s settlements from evil forces, but also to aid the powerful Governors-General’s emerging practices of slavery and religious persecution. Will joining the mysterious ranks of the Rainguns further Rick's plans to become better than he is? Or thwart them?
RAINGUN is an adult fantasy novel of 84,000 words. Thank you for your valuable time!
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the fourth revision.
Even while defending neighbors from ruthless musketeers and bloodthirsty pirates, mage Rick Rivoire wonders if he’s slipping right past permanent bitterness, and straight into evil. His apparent heroism feels tainted by ulterior resentments. His brutish humiliation of an innocent girl earlier that same day, haunts him. His past abuse, the neglect of his childhood, and his romantic disappointments hound his thoughts relentlessly.
Determined not to disappoint the valiant swordswoman who rescued him from torture at age nine, Rick resolves to remake himself with a new life. To escape the old, he joins a new cavalry regiment. One just for mages. They attack with magic, astride their conjured spectral mounts. These "Rainguns" shine when bad weather disables muskets and cannon.
But once signed up, Rick finds his orders to be more than he bargained for. He is tasked to not only defend his nation’s settlements from evil forces, but also to aid the powerful Governors-General’s emerging practices of slavery and religious persecution. Will joining the mysterious ranks of the Rainguns further Rick's plans to become better than he is? Or thwart them?
RAINGUN is an adult fantasy novel of 84,000 words. Thank you for your valuable time!
May 13, 2009
QUERY --- RAINGUN (second revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Rick Rivoire wonders: is he slipping into permanent bitterness, or perhaps beyond, into evil?
Rick fights back with his magic when his coastal hometown is attacked. But even while defending neighbors from a ruthless Admiral's musketeers and gangs of bloodthirsty pirates, he feels his apparent heroism undermined by ulterior resentments. Haunted by his memory from earlier that same day, of callously humiliating an innocent girl, he considers the abuse, neglect and loss that marred his childhood.
Determined not to disappoint the valiant swordswoman who rescued him from torture at age nine, Rick resolves to remake his life. His first step is joining a new cavalry regiment. One just for mages. They attack with magic, astride spectral mounts they conjure themselves. These "Rainguns" shine when bad weather disables muskets and cannon.
Of course, an army makes many demands of its cavalry. Rick is tasked to defend his nation from evil forces, but also to enforce the will of the powerful Governors-General. Will joining the mysterious ranks of the Rainguns further Rick's plans to become better than he is? Or thwart them?
RAINGUN is an adult fantasy novel of 84,000 words. Thank you for your valuable time!
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Rick Rivoire wonders: is he slipping into permanent bitterness, or perhaps beyond, into evil?
Rick fights back with his magic when his coastal hometown is attacked. But even while defending neighbors from a ruthless Admiral's musketeers and gangs of bloodthirsty pirates, he feels his apparent heroism undermined by ulterior resentments. Haunted by his memory from earlier that same day, of callously humiliating an innocent girl, he considers the abuse, neglect and loss that marred his childhood.
Determined not to disappoint the valiant swordswoman who rescued him from torture at age nine, Rick resolves to remake his life. His first step is joining a new cavalry regiment. One just for mages. They attack with magic, astride spectral mounts they conjure themselves. These "Rainguns" shine when bad weather disables muskets and cannon.
Of course, an army makes many demands of its cavalry. Rick is tasked to defend his nation from evil forces, but also to enforce the will of the powerful Governors-General. Will joining the mysterious ranks of the Rainguns further Rick's plans to become better than he is? Or thwart them?
RAINGUN is an adult fantasy novel of 84,000 words. Thank you for your valuable time!
May 12, 2009
QUERY --- RAINGUN (1st revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the second revision.
Rick Rivoire’s childhood was marred by abuse, neglect and loss. As a man, he doesn’t think much of its effect on him until the day his coastal hometown is attacked, by a ruthless Admiral's musketeers from one side and a gang of bloodthirsty pirates from the other. He fights back with his magic, struggling to act courageously, but he feels his apparent heroism diluted by ulterior motives. He is haunted by a memory from earlier that same day, of callously humiliating an innocent girl, and wonders: Is he allowing his past misfortunes to drag him down into permanent bitterness, or perhaps beyond, into evil?
Determined not to disappoint the valiant swordswoman who rescued him from torture as a child, Rick resolves to remake his life. His first step is to join a new cavalry regiment, just for mages. On battlefields crowded with archers and pikemen, these "Rainguns" come into their own when bad weather disables muskets and cannon, attacking from the backs of spectral mounts they conjure themselves. Will joining their mysterious ranks further Rick's plans to become better than he is? Or thwart them?
RAINGUN is an adult fantasy novel of 84,000 words. My fantasy platform includes the roles of author, editor and lead developer of many gaming supplements for the genre. These achievements were profitable, spanned several years, and received positive reviews.
Thank you for your valuable time!
Click here to read the second revision.
Rick Rivoire’s childhood was marred by abuse, neglect and loss. As a man, he doesn’t think much of its effect on him until the day his coastal hometown is attacked, by a ruthless Admiral's musketeers from one side and a gang of bloodthirsty pirates from the other. He fights back with his magic, struggling to act courageously, but he feels his apparent heroism diluted by ulterior motives. He is haunted by a memory from earlier that same day, of callously humiliating an innocent girl, and wonders: Is he allowing his past misfortunes to drag him down into permanent bitterness, or perhaps beyond, into evil?
Determined not to disappoint the valiant swordswoman who rescued him from torture as a child, Rick resolves to remake his life. His first step is to join a new cavalry regiment, just for mages. On battlefields crowded with archers and pikemen, these "Rainguns" come into their own when bad weather disables muskets and cannon, attacking from the backs of spectral mounts they conjure themselves. Will joining their mysterious ranks further Rick's plans to become better than he is? Or thwart them?
RAINGUN is an adult fantasy novel of 84,000 words. My fantasy platform includes the roles of author, editor and lead developer of many gaming supplements for the genre. These achievements were profitable, spanned several years, and received positive reviews.
Thank you for your valuable time!
May 11, 2009
QUERY --- RAINGUN
A revision of this query has been posted. Click here to read it.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the fourth revision.
Rick Rivoire’s childhood was marred by abuse, neglect and loss. As a man, he doesn’t think much of its effect on him until the day he defends his hometown, simultaneously attacked by two enemy forces. He acts courageously, but ulterior motives dilute his apparent heroism. He is haunted by a memory from earlier that same day, of callously humiliating an innocent girl. Is he allowing his past misfortunes to drag him down into permanent bitterness, or perhaps beyond, to evil?
Determined not to disappoint the valiant swordswoman who rescued him from torture as a child, Rick resolves to remake his life. His first step is to join the army, in a new cavalry regiment just for mages: the Rainguns.
RAINGUN is an adult fantasy novel of 84,000 words. My fantasy platform includes the roles of author, editor and lead developer of many gaming supplements for the genre. These achievements were profitable, spanned several years, and received positive reviews. Moreover, my past career as journalist (and present career as an attorney) have supplied me with substantial writing experience, as well as the ever-useful thick skin.
Thank you for your valuable time!
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the fourth revision.
Rick Rivoire’s childhood was marred by abuse, neglect and loss. As a man, he doesn’t think much of its effect on him until the day he defends his hometown, simultaneously attacked by two enemy forces. He acts courageously, but ulterior motives dilute his apparent heroism. He is haunted by a memory from earlier that same day, of callously humiliating an innocent girl. Is he allowing his past misfortunes to drag him down into permanent bitterness, or perhaps beyond, to evil?
Determined not to disappoint the valiant swordswoman who rescued him from torture as a child, Rick resolves to remake his life. His first step is to join the army, in a new cavalry regiment just for mages: the Rainguns.
RAINGUN is an adult fantasy novel of 84,000 words. My fantasy platform includes the roles of author, editor and lead developer of many gaming supplements for the genre. These achievements were profitable, spanned several years, and received positive reviews. Moreover, my past career as journalist (and present career as an attorney) have supplied me with substantial writing experience, as well as the ever-useful thick skin.
Thank you for your valuable time!
May 7, 2009
Query- Sulham Close
Dear Agent,
The Residents of Sulham Close have a terrible secret. Trapped by a curse they’re unable to revoke, they receive prosperity, good fortune, and immortality in return for providing a yearly sacrifice to demonic deity who resides on the other side of a portal.
Mark lives on the streets of Reading, earning enough by busking to keep himself in Strongbow. Pete saunters into his life with an offer he can’t refuse – a warm bed, free food, and a chance to ditch the booze. Tricked into staying the night at Pete’s secluded cottage and oblivious of the chithons, the diety’s minions, soon coming to take him over to the Otherside, Mark smuggles in Louisa, his pregnant girlfriend. A race against time ensues with midnight, the time of the chithons’ arrival, fast approaching. The neighbours attempt a rescue and drag Louisa from the cottage. Now in labour, they take her inside another house as Mark’s screams fill the night. Louisa was in the house as midnight struck, and the chithons emerging from the Otherside want their other sacrifice. But Pete is sabotaging his neighbours’ efforts to save the girl.
A hasty caesarean is performed on Louisa, and the baby hidden as the chithons storm the house and seize the dying girl. Amelia cuddles Hope, the baby, as the creatures disappear for another year.
Sulham Close is a 30,000 word horror novella and middle instalment of a five book series. The other books chronicle the origins of the curse, the murder of one of the residents, and Pete’s evolution into a serial killer. The dramatic conclusion features Hope, the baby born in Sulham Close, on the cusp of turning twenty as she passes through to the Otherside and battles the deity.
I have been writing seriously for several years. My novel, Coombe’s Wood, was runner-up in YouWriteOn’s 2008 Book of the Year Award, and was a semi-finalist in the 2009 Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award. My published short stories and poems include work in Twisted Tongue magazine and UKAuthors Anthologies, and a series of children’s stories in La Fenetre. The manuscript of my novel The Crocodile was short-listed in the Undiscovered Authors 2006 competition.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
May 5, 2009
Query - The Brigid
In this 80,000 word urban fantasy, The Brigid, one man's lack of faith in his unseen heritage may be the weakness that destroys the entire world, starting with those closest to him.
They are brothers. Twins. They live in the white world, but a piece of them belongs to their mother's people, the Nez Perce. CALEB accepts that piece of himself, but MIKA's doubts haunt him. Does he really have a spirit guide, or is the voice he hears in his head merely intuition?
Into their lives comes a beautiful woman with no memory and frightening enemies who stretch the brothers' credulity—the beautiful but terrifying creatures she says are Tuatha de dannan. Her friends, like the wee man who smokes a dragonbone pipe and who just might be a leprechaun, are equally unbelievable.
In order to save not just the world of the mysterious stranger, who both brothers are starting to fall in love with, but their own world as well, Mika must learn to believe and Caleb must learn to see his own worth outside of his brother's shadow.
They are brothers. Twins. They live in the white world, but a piece of them belongs to their mother's people, the Nez Perce. CALEB accepts that piece of himself, but MIKA's doubts haunt him. Does he really have a spirit guide, or is the voice he hears in his head merely intuition?
Into their lives comes a beautiful woman with no memory and frightening enemies who stretch the brothers' credulity—the beautiful but terrifying creatures she says are Tuatha de dannan. Her friends, like the wee man who smokes a dragonbone pipe and who just might be a leprechaun, are equally unbelievable.
In order to save not just the world of the mysterious stranger, who both brothers are starting to fall in love with, but their own world as well, Mika must learn to believe and Caleb must learn to see his own worth outside of his brother's shadow.
May 4, 2009
Query - Immortalis
A revision of this query has been posted. Click here to read it.
Dear Mr./ Mrs. Agent,
IMMORTALIS is a 78,000 word urban fantasy about a newly turned vampire fighting to accept and keep an immortal life she never wanted.
Alyssa had a regular, numbingly routine life, until one bad night changed everything. After a brutal mugging, Alyssa was moments from death. Fortunately, a stranger, Lysander, came to her rescue, bringing with him the gift of immortality. There's only one problem, Alyssa didn’t want to be a vampire.
Alyssa has problems with the fact that she now has to kill, drink blood, and stay out of the sun. But before she has a chance to come to terms with what she’s become, Alyssa is brought before Kallisto, a rancorous vampire coven mistress. Alyssa finds out, she and Lysander have been marked for death for breaking an ancient coven law: Humans must be approved before being turned into vampires. Kallisto uses this opportunity to get revenge on Lysander, her old lover. She gives Alyssa a cruel choice, kill Lysander and keep her immortality, or die with him. Before Alyssa can act on her decision, Kallisto’s coven is attacked by hunters from the Acta Sanctorum.
Few will survive this attack. If Alyssa wants to keep her newfound immortality, she will have to learn to accept what she is and trust Lysander. Together they will have to fight both Kallisto and the Acta Sanctorum.
I would be happy to send more if you like what you see here. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Hopeful Author.
Dear Mr./ Mrs. Agent,
IMMORTALIS is a 78,000 word urban fantasy about a newly turned vampire fighting to accept and keep an immortal life she never wanted.
Alyssa had a regular, numbingly routine life, until one bad night changed everything. After a brutal mugging, Alyssa was moments from death. Fortunately, a stranger, Lysander, came to her rescue, bringing with him the gift of immortality. There's only one problem, Alyssa didn’t want to be a vampire.
Alyssa has problems with the fact that she now has to kill, drink blood, and stay out of the sun. But before she has a chance to come to terms with what she’s become, Alyssa is brought before Kallisto, a rancorous vampire coven mistress. Alyssa finds out, she and Lysander have been marked for death for breaking an ancient coven law: Humans must be approved before being turned into vampires. Kallisto uses this opportunity to get revenge on Lysander, her old lover. She gives Alyssa a cruel choice, kill Lysander and keep her immortality, or die with him. Before Alyssa can act on her decision, Kallisto’s coven is attacked by hunters from the Acta Sanctorum.
Few will survive this attack. If Alyssa wants to keep her newfound immortality, she will have to learn to accept what she is and trust Lysander. Together they will have to fight both Kallisto and the Acta Sanctorum.
I would be happy to send more if you like what you see here. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Hopeful Author.
May 1, 2009
Query- Krelis (Revision 2)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Agent,
Once every century, Comet Orel blazes across the sky opening an opportunity to imbue dragon stones with the souls of deceased dragons, creating powerful talismans. The time is approaching for this celestial event.
Krelis, a human wizard, and his peers set out in search of the dragon stones at the request of their mentor, Antigonus, leaving their home behind. The journey is filled with dangerous creatures, people, and dragons, but they return to their beloved home successful. With the power of the dragon stones in their hands, Antigonus’ dream becomes reality; a world of peace replaces the world of conflict and prosperity reigns.
But the power proves to be too enticing, corrupting one of Krelis’ peers. One by one, the wizards are murdered, the stones are disappearing, and Krelis is destined to destroy the source of the betrayal.
KRELIS is an 80,000 word, young adult fantasy.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Agent,
Once every century, Comet Orel blazes across the sky opening an opportunity to imbue dragon stones with the souls of deceased dragons, creating powerful talismans. The time is approaching for this celestial event.
Krelis, a human wizard, and his peers set out in search of the dragon stones at the request of their mentor, Antigonus, leaving their home behind. The journey is filled with dangerous creatures, people, and dragons, but they return to their beloved home successful. With the power of the dragon stones in their hands, Antigonus’ dream becomes reality; a world of peace replaces the world of conflict and prosperity reigns.
But the power proves to be too enticing, corrupting one of Krelis’ peers. One by one, the wizards are murdered, the stones are disappearing, and Krelis is destined to destroy the source of the betrayal.
KRELIS is an 80,000 word, young adult fantasy.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
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