Dear Agent,
Dogs and cats were never meant to be friends, but that didn't stop Squirt and Aubie. They didn't know, nor did they care. Squirt is a coal-black, wild haired puppy and Aubie, is an orange-and-white c-a-t. They are best friends and out to enjoy their world.
In this volume, Squirt and Aubie join together with Taylor, their twelve-year-old caretaker, who just happens to be a ballerina, for the twirl of a lifetime. With matching tutus, they spin round and round, twirling and leaping just like professional ballerinas. As the music is ending, they nail their last pose and the audience is up applauding for more.
In rhymed couplets, SQUIRT is complete at 409-words, targeting an audience of 2- through 9- year olds. Although this is my first picture book manuscript, I am a member of SCBWI. My inspiration comes straight out of the texture of my life as a kindergarten teacher, owner of my own business, and mother of a ballerina.
This and three other SQUIRT stories are fully finished, while the fifth is nearing completion. Per your instructions I am including (Whatever they ask). This is a simultaneous submission. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
This is my manuscript. I didn't double space due to length here but I will when I submit. Thank you in advance for all your help.
Squirt
My name is Squirt. I’m as black as night,
With long wavy hair that shoots left and right.
My eyes are brown and my tongue is pink,
With a small black dot that’s kinda cute, I think.
My best friend is Aubie. He isn’t like me.
Orange and white striped, and spelled C-A-T.
He’s very bouncy, even sneaky at times,
With eyes that are green, a pretty green, almost lime.
We are a very odd couple, everyone agrees,
But we’re exactly the same size, and love macaroni and cheese.
Aubie and I, we love to play.
We play outside almost everyday.
We run and jump, roll and twirl.
We hop and skip, tumble and whirl.
In the afternoon, when Taylor’s work is done,
She walks us around the block. Oh, what fun!
Taylor is my mommy. She’ll be twelve soon.
She feeds me, loves me and reads me cartoons.
Her favorite is ballet. I love it too.
What do you think of our matching tutus?
All dressed up, we perform a show.
Round and round, like ballerinas, on their toes.
Our bodies very straight, toes pointed to the side,
Our arms out in front and remember, now glide.
We move left and right, across the stage we go,
We try to look graceful, all together in a row.
Twirling and leaping, on our feet and then our toes,
And as the music slows down, we do our last pose.
The shows over now, we bow, and then smile,
The audience is standing up, applauding, in the aisles.
Our family brings us flowers, isn’t that sweet?
A treat, for us being so light on our feet.
Now what to do, any thoughts in mind?
What games do you like? What’s your favorite kind?
We love to play dolls, to skate and ride bikes,
Playing with trucks, reading books and going on hikes.
There’s so much to do, the days are so short,
I guess we’ll have to wait, no time to build a fort.
It’s getting dark outside, and night time is coming,
All of a sudden my tummy is rumbling.
Supper time is here! We love to eat.
We clean our plate, so we can get a treat.
After we’ve eaten, its time to go to bed,
But all of today’s fun is swimming in my head.
I can’t wait till tomorrow. What will we do?
Will we play chase and swim, or maybe go to the zoo?
Oct 16, 2010
Oct 15, 2010
Amish, Vamps & Thieves
Dear Agent Person:
Anne Levy still considers herself Amish though she’s a vampire. When her brother, Thomas, pleads for her help with the thing mutilating the local farmers’ livestock, she goes home to Millersburg, Ohio, for the first time in over sixty years. But even she’s stumped. Neither the developers after the prime land or the werecoyotes spotted in the area have glowing red eyes or leaves weird tri-cornered bite marks. And it doesn’t help when Thomas’s well-meaning lawyer interferes with her investigation.
When attorney Colin Fitzgerald fled Philadelphia after accident that killed his brother and crippled his nephew, he thought he’d found peace in Millersburg, Ohio. But a simple land battle turns deadly when someone starts killing his Amish clients, not just their animals. Then there’s the mysterious woman he sees roaming Thomas Levy’s property at night. Hoping to catch the culprit behind the murders, Colin follows her one evening and saves her from a demonic creature. But who’s going to save him from the Amish cutie with fangs?
Amish, Vamps & Thieves is a 75,000-word paranormal romance.
Anne Levy still considers herself Amish though she’s a vampire. When her brother, Thomas, pleads for her help with the thing mutilating the local farmers’ livestock, she goes home to Millersburg, Ohio, for the first time in over sixty years. But even she’s stumped. Neither the developers after the prime land or the werecoyotes spotted in the area have glowing red eyes or leaves weird tri-cornered bite marks. And it doesn’t help when Thomas’s well-meaning lawyer interferes with her investigation.
When attorney Colin Fitzgerald fled Philadelphia after accident that killed his brother and crippled his nephew, he thought he’d found peace in Millersburg, Ohio. But a simple land battle turns deadly when someone starts killing his Amish clients, not just their animals. Then there’s the mysterious woman he sees roaming Thomas Levy’s property at night. Hoping to catch the culprit behind the murders, Colin follows her one evening and saves her from a demonic creature. But who’s going to save him from the Amish cutie with fangs?
Amish, Vamps & Thieves is a 75,000-word paranormal romance.
Query- STEAM PALACE (revised)
Click here to read the original query.
Sometimes meeting your Evil Twin makes you wonder which one you are.
In the world of STEAM PALACE, New England shunned the Revolution and formed the Kingdom of New Britannia. In 1878, twins are separated at birth, one to live with her abusive mother in poverty, the other raised as a favored daughter of the court. Twenty-three years later, the ‘courtly’ twin has lost her title, her lands, and the only means of supporting her family, so she travels to Hartford where she meets her double--and it’s hate at first sight. The twins view each other as the enemy, the ‘evil twin.’ To restore her family’s station, the ‘courtly’ twin seeks the hand of an ambitious Duke, but her sister is his secret lover. The Duke pits the twins against each other while he plots with their country’s enemies in search of the mythical Sea Key. As enemy heavy dirigible bombers approach their respective homes, the twins must first overcome their mutual loathing, and then use their shared ‘mad passion’ to defeat the Duke and save New Britannia from steam-powered invaders by finding the Sea Key and unlocking its power.
STEAM PALACE, a Steampunk Adventure, is complete at 120,000 words. I have completed a creative writing certificate course at the University of Washington, completed Holly Lisle’s “How To Revise Your Novel” online course, and I co-host a local critique group.
---
A couple other ideas for the hook line:
You meet your Evil Twin...but who’s to say you aren’t the evil one?
Mutually Assured Destruction is not how twins should treat each other.
Thanks for your input!
I think it can/should be shortened even more. What do you think?
Sometimes meeting your Evil Twin makes you wonder which one you are.
In the world of STEAM PALACE, New England shunned the Revolution and formed the Kingdom of New Britannia. In 1878, twins are separated at birth, one to live with her abusive mother in poverty, the other raised as a favored daughter of the court. Twenty-three years later, the ‘courtly’ twin has lost her title, her lands, and the only means of supporting her family, so she travels to Hartford where she meets her double--and it’s hate at first sight. The twins view each other as the enemy, the ‘evil twin.’ To restore her family’s station, the ‘courtly’ twin seeks the hand of an ambitious Duke, but her sister is his secret lover. The Duke pits the twins against each other while he plots with their country’s enemies in search of the mythical Sea Key. As enemy heavy dirigible bombers approach their respective homes, the twins must first overcome their mutual loathing, and then use their shared ‘mad passion’ to defeat the Duke and save New Britannia from steam-powered invaders by finding the Sea Key and unlocking its power.
STEAM PALACE, a Steampunk Adventure, is complete at 120,000 words. I have completed a creative writing certificate course at the University of Washington, completed Holly Lisle’s “How To Revise Your Novel” online course, and I co-host a local critique group.
---
A couple other ideas for the hook line:
You meet your Evil Twin...but who’s to say you aren’t the evil one?
Mutually Assured Destruction is not how twins should treat each other.
Thanks for your input!
I think it can/should be shortened even more. What do you think?
Oct 13, 2010
Query - All Because of You (Second Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Awesome Future Agent,
Forced to kill for sport until the age of sixteen, Adelaide Banvard has been kept at the side of Christian Wren, one of the most powerful men in Los Angeles and the man she feels indebted to for saving her life. For ten years she’s obeyed his every command and whim, the schizophrenic monster in her head enjoying every moment of pain and every drop of blood on her hands. But Adelaide finally has the chance to escape this life of violence.
Her opportunity comes in the form of ATF Agent Marcus Grant, a man whose assignment is to apprehend Wren, the suspected leader behind one of the largest gun-running operations California has ever seen. Adelaide’s loyalties are tested at every turn as she fights her way out of Wren’s organization and the attraction she hides for the undercover ATF agent who wants her behind bars for murder.
ALL BECAUSE OF YOU is an 85,000 word suspense. I have a degree from Utah Valley University in the field of Psychology, owning accurate knowledge on the subject of schizophrenia and would be glad to send you my complete manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Regards,
Me
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Awesome Future Agent,
Forced to kill for sport until the age of sixteen, Adelaide Banvard has been kept at the side of Christian Wren, one of the most powerful men in Los Angeles and the man she feels indebted to for saving her life. For ten years she’s obeyed his every command and whim, the schizophrenic monster in her head enjoying every moment of pain and every drop of blood on her hands. But Adelaide finally has the chance to escape this life of violence.
Her opportunity comes in the form of ATF Agent Marcus Grant, a man whose assignment is to apprehend Wren, the suspected leader behind one of the largest gun-running operations California has ever seen. Adelaide’s loyalties are tested at every turn as she fights her way out of Wren’s organization and the attraction she hides for the undercover ATF agent who wants her behind bars for murder.
ALL BECAUSE OF YOU is an 85,000 word suspense. I have a degree from Utah Valley University in the field of Psychology, owning accurate knowledge on the subject of schizophrenia and would be glad to send you my complete manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Regards,
Me
QUERY: The Odd I See
Dear Agent,
I am writing to you because I read your interview on XYZ, your submission guidelines, and (novel you represented). Please consider representing my novel The Odd I See, a 71,000-word work of slipstream fiction.
Following a falling out with her favorite hallucination, a half-assed stay in the loony bin, and entry into the “real world” by way of graduation from college, Fifi wants to know what the meaning of life is… and she wants to know immediately.
Fifi, The Odd I See’s narrator, is twenty-two, working an underachiever’s dream job, and struggling to reconcile her worldview with modern middle-class American living. Something about the combination of what her overbearing mother, pothead friends, and (likely imaginary) vampire lover are telling her isn’t quite jiving with what she thought the world would be like. Not entirely sure she wants to continue doing the whole “existence-thing,” she gives herself a month to reason her way through it piece-by-piece. Meanwhile, Byron (the soulmate Fifi discovers in the midst of an adventure in pretending to be a prostitute) tries to keep her from stumbling over the pitfalls of a society that claims mental illness explains her dysphoria… and out of the clutches of a vampire only she can see.
An excerpt of this novel was published in the spring 2009 edition of the Newport Review literary magazine. A separate excerpt was published in the 2006 edition of Loyola University Chicago’s annual literary journal, Cadence. I was editor-in-chief of Cadence in 2009 and, from 2006 to 2008, I was editor-in-chief of Loyola University Chicago’s quarterly literary arts magazine, Diminuendo. I very much appreciate your time and consideration in reading this letter. I have pasted the first chapter below and would be delighted to send you the rest. I can be reached by phone at xxx xxx xxxx, by e-mail at bre@jamstage.net, or by postal mail at 123 XYZ st.
Best regards
Bre Kidman
I am writing to you because I read your interview on XYZ, your submission guidelines, and (novel you represented). Please consider representing my novel The Odd I See, a 71,000-word work of slipstream fiction.
Following a falling out with her favorite hallucination, a half-assed stay in the loony bin, and entry into the “real world” by way of graduation from college, Fifi wants to know what the meaning of life is… and she wants to know immediately.
Fifi, The Odd I See’s narrator, is twenty-two, working an underachiever’s dream job, and struggling to reconcile her worldview with modern middle-class American living. Something about the combination of what her overbearing mother, pothead friends, and (likely imaginary) vampire lover are telling her isn’t quite jiving with what she thought the world would be like. Not entirely sure she wants to continue doing the whole “existence-thing,” she gives herself a month to reason her way through it piece-by-piece. Meanwhile, Byron (the soulmate Fifi discovers in the midst of an adventure in pretending to be a prostitute) tries to keep her from stumbling over the pitfalls of a society that claims mental illness explains her dysphoria… and out of the clutches of a vampire only she can see.
An excerpt of this novel was published in the spring 2009 edition of the Newport Review literary magazine. A separate excerpt was published in the 2006 edition of Loyola University Chicago’s annual literary journal, Cadence. I was editor-in-chief of Cadence in 2009 and, from 2006 to 2008, I was editor-in-chief of Loyola University Chicago’s quarterly literary arts magazine, Diminuendo. I very much appreciate your time and consideration in reading this letter. I have pasted the first chapter below and would be delighted to send you the rest. I can be reached by phone at xxx xxx xxxx, by e-mail at bre@jamstage.net, or by postal mail at 123 XYZ st.
Best regards
Bre Kidman
Oct 11, 2010
Query - All Because of You (First Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Forced to kill for sport until the age of sixteen, Adelaide Banvard has been kept at the side of Christian Wren, one of the most powerful men in Los Angeles and the man who saved her life. For ten years she’s obeyed his every command and whim, the schizophrenic monster in her head enjoying every moment of pain and every drop of blood on her hands. But Adelaide finally has the chance to escape this life of violence. Her opportunity comes in the form of ATF Agent Marcus Grant, a man whose assignment is to apprehend Wren, the suspected leader behind one of the largest gun-running operations California has ever seen. Adelaide’s loyalties are tested at every turn as she fights her way out of Wren’s organization, the power Wren holds over her and the attraction she hides for the undercover ATF agent who wants her behind bars for murder.
ALL BECAUSE OF YOU is an 85,000 word contemporary and suspenseful women’s fiction novel. I am an active member in the Las Vegas Romance Writer’s chapter of Romance Writer’s of America and have a degree from Utah Valley University in the field of Psychology. I have accurate knowledge on the subject of schizophrenia and would be glad to send you my complete manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Me
Forced to kill for sport until the age of sixteen, Adelaide Banvard has been kept at the side of Christian Wren, one of the most powerful men in Los Angeles and the man who saved her life. For ten years she’s obeyed his every command and whim, the schizophrenic monster in her head enjoying every moment of pain and every drop of blood on her hands. But Adelaide finally has the chance to escape this life of violence. Her opportunity comes in the form of ATF Agent Marcus Grant, a man whose assignment is to apprehend Wren, the suspected leader behind one of the largest gun-running operations California has ever seen. Adelaide’s loyalties are tested at every turn as she fights her way out of Wren’s organization, the power Wren holds over her and the attraction she hides for the undercover ATF agent who wants her behind bars for murder.
ALL BECAUSE OF YOU is an 85,000 word contemporary and suspenseful women’s fiction novel. I am an active member in the Las Vegas Romance Writer’s chapter of Romance Writer’s of America and have a degree from Utah Valley University in the field of Psychology. I have accurate knowledge on the subject of schizophrenia and would be glad to send you my complete manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Me
QUERY- MAD AS A HATTER (revision 4)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Dear Awesome Agent,
London, 1882.
Seven years ago, Emil Aleric and his sister were kidnapped. Emil survived. His sister didn't. So when he hears news of a serial killer rampaging London, he's convinced that his former abductor is on the move again. The peculiarities of the murders-- a note quoting Alice in Wonderland is found at each scene-- go hand in hand with the name his tormentor fashioned for himself: The Hatter. When his guardian, Officer Corwin James, is put in charge of the case, Emil thinks it must be fate.
Corwin's not to keen on Emil having anything to do with the case, but Emil's extensive knowledge of the murderer's methods is too invaluable to waste. Yet as the two get closer and closer to tracking the man down, Emil realizes exactly what confronting his past will mean. He can live with the nightmares. But if he fails to avenge his sister's death, he doesn't know how he'll live with himself-- if he lives at all.
Complete at 51,000 words, MAD AS A HATTER is a YA historical novel written in alternating points of view. Thank you very much for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Tally
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Dear Awesome Agent,
London, 1882.
Seven years ago, Emil Aleric and his sister were kidnapped. Emil survived. His sister didn't. So when he hears news of a serial killer rampaging London, he's convinced that his former abductor is on the move again. The peculiarities of the murders-- a note quoting Alice in Wonderland is found at each scene-- go hand in hand with the name his tormentor fashioned for himself: The Hatter. When his guardian, Officer Corwin James, is put in charge of the case, Emil thinks it must be fate.
Corwin's not to keen on Emil having anything to do with the case, but Emil's extensive knowledge of the murderer's methods is too invaluable to waste. Yet as the two get closer and closer to tracking the man down, Emil realizes exactly what confronting his past will mean. He can live with the nightmares. But if he fails to avenge his sister's death, he doesn't know how he'll live with himself-- if he lives at all.
Complete at 51,000 words, MAD AS A HATTER is a YA historical novel written in alternating points of view. Thank you very much for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Tally
Oct 10, 2010
Query - All Because of You
Dear [Agent name],
I am writing to you because I believe my 85,000-word contemporary suspenseful women’s fiction novel, ALL BECAUSE OF YOU, would be appropriate for your agency.
Kidnapped at the age of seven, Adelaide Banvard has been forced to kill her entire life. She’s kept at the side of Christian Wren, one of the most powerful men in Los Angeles, but after ten years, finally has a chance to escape. Her opportunity comes in the form of ATF Agent Marcus Grant, a man whose assignment is to apprehend the leader behind one of the largest local gun running operations California has ever seen. His loyalties are tested at every turn as he fights his way through Wren’s organization and his second-in-command. But Adelaide isn’t everything she seems. Her schizophrenic mind, superb combat skills and exquisite beauty fascinate Marcus beyond control, leading his investigation into hot water and into Adelaide’s own little world.
Thank you for your time and consideration...blah blah blah.
Sincerely,
Me
I am writing to you because I believe my 85,000-word contemporary suspenseful women’s fiction novel, ALL BECAUSE OF YOU, would be appropriate for your agency.
Kidnapped at the age of seven, Adelaide Banvard has been forced to kill her entire life. She’s kept at the side of Christian Wren, one of the most powerful men in Los Angeles, but after ten years, finally has a chance to escape. Her opportunity comes in the form of ATF Agent Marcus Grant, a man whose assignment is to apprehend the leader behind one of the largest local gun running operations California has ever seen. His loyalties are tested at every turn as he fights his way through Wren’s organization and his second-in-command. But Adelaide isn’t everything she seems. Her schizophrenic mind, superb combat skills and exquisite beauty fascinate Marcus beyond control, leading his investigation into hot water and into Adelaide’s own little world.
Thank you for your time and consideration...blah blah blah.
Sincerely,
Me
Oct 8, 2010
Query- Second Hand News (revised)
Click here to read the original query.
As promised, I am back.
Dear Agent:
Second Hand News, my 80,000 word humorous women's fiction is about new beginnings.
When Gail Goldblum's arranged marriage fails, she moves into grandma Bubbie's two-room apartment in the Washington Heights neighborhood of Manhattan, one floor below her parents and loses herself in romance novels and the dream of happily-ever-after.
Gail's family immediately begins the search for her next husband, while she reunites with several old schoolmates, has wild sex with two Princeton "boys," joins a romance book club, washes out of a pottery class and uses her wit and talent to find a new career.
As a teenager, Tony Cimino worked part-time for his father. The youngest of eight children, he still works for his father, but refuses to give up the dream of having his own landscape business. Twenty years have passed when Gail walks up to the counter for a slice of pizza and sees him. Tony, the cute boy from her childhood has grown into a handsome, kindhearted man.
Chaos rules, as Bubbie escapes from assisted living, moves into her granddaughter's small apartment, and entertains the neighbors singing Ethel Merman tunes late at night in the elevator. Gail fends off a Yuppie co-op conversion and Tony tries to capture Gail's attention even as he realizes the dream of opening his own business.
The first time Gail knew she loved Tony, she was in the fourth grade, he was in the eighth. Each time they meet, she tries to deny her feelings and walk away. Tony is a man who knows what he wants, but Gail not being able to trust again, pushes the one person she wants out of her life.
I found your name on Chuck Sambuchino's Blog; A Guide To Literary Agents, read your blog daily, and I believe my work meets your criteria. I would be happy to send part or all of the completed manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Respectfully,
====
Opening lines:
No matter how a girl gets down the aisle, being married and then divorced is preferable to dragging one's miserable carcass through life as an old maid.
Three of us sit on a cold, wooden bench in the judge's chamber and wait. It's a long day and seven others have already finished and been escorted to the next room to sign papers and get a receipt, pending the official documents.
When it is my turn, I stand to answer three questions: 1) Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, 2) Do you Gail Goldblum Silverstein wish to contest this action, and 3) Do you wish to return to your maiden name?
Nothing comes out of my mouth and the girl next to me pulls the edge of my jacket and snaps, "Say yes, or I do, and let's get the hell out of here."
I gulp, "I do," three times and it is done.
I wait for a cheer from the audience, but alas we are alone in the room with the judge and his bailiff, who points, "This way, miss."
I am officially an ex-wife.
As promised, I am back.
Dear Agent:
Second Hand News, my 80,000 word humorous women's fiction is about new beginnings.
When Gail Goldblum's arranged marriage fails, she moves into grandma Bubbie's two-room apartment in the Washington Heights neighborhood of Manhattan, one floor below her parents and loses herself in romance novels and the dream of happily-ever-after.
Gail's family immediately begins the search for her next husband, while she reunites with several old schoolmates, has wild sex with two Princeton "boys," joins a romance book club, washes out of a pottery class and uses her wit and talent to find a new career.
As a teenager, Tony Cimino worked part-time for his father. The youngest of eight children, he still works for his father, but refuses to give up the dream of having his own landscape business. Twenty years have passed when Gail walks up to the counter for a slice of pizza and sees him. Tony, the cute boy from her childhood has grown into a handsome, kindhearted man.
Chaos rules, as Bubbie escapes from assisted living, moves into her granddaughter's small apartment, and entertains the neighbors singing Ethel Merman tunes late at night in the elevator. Gail fends off a Yuppie co-op conversion and Tony tries to capture Gail's attention even as he realizes the dream of opening his own business.
The first time Gail knew she loved Tony, she was in the fourth grade, he was in the eighth. Each time they meet, she tries to deny her feelings and walk away. Tony is a man who knows what he wants, but Gail not being able to trust again, pushes the one person she wants out of her life.
I found your name on Chuck Sambuchino's Blog; A Guide To Literary Agents, read your blog daily, and I believe my work meets your criteria. I would be happy to send part or all of the completed manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Respectfully,
====
Opening lines:
No matter how a girl gets down the aisle, being married and then divorced is preferable to dragging one's miserable carcass through life as an old maid.
Three of us sit on a cold, wooden bench in the judge's chamber and wait. It's a long day and seven others have already finished and been escorted to the next room to sign papers and get a receipt, pending the official documents.
When it is my turn, I stand to answer three questions: 1) Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, 2) Do you Gail Goldblum Silverstein wish to contest this action, and 3) Do you wish to return to your maiden name?
Nothing comes out of my mouth and the girl next to me pulls the edge of my jacket and snaps, "Say yes, or I do, and let's get the hell out of here."
I gulp, "I do," three times and it is done.
I wait for a cheer from the audience, but alas we are alone in the room with the judge and his bailiff, who points, "This way, miss."
I am officially an ex-wife.
Oct 6, 2010
Query - The Paw Shake Portal (Second Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear (Agent):
Eleven-year-old Alex’s new pet is no ordinary cat. He’s shocked to find that the stray he’s been caring for is able to transform into a girl his age. Her name is Lumina, and she approaches Alex to ask for his assistance in fighting Alley Scratch, an army of cats that hate people. She is a member of the royal cat family, dedicated to loving and respecting humans. Naturally, she and her siblings are the army’s prime targets.
The only way for Lumina to gain the strength and endurance to battle Alley Scratch is to form a “bond of trust” with Alex—the more their friendship grows, the healthier and stronger she will become. Alex is eager to form this bond to help her, but he also comes up with an idea of his own: Why not show the Alley Scratch cats kindness to help turn them around to the good side?
Unfortunately, the cats aren’t swayed by friendly chatter and an all-you-can-eat picnic. This only ends up causing a chaotic brawl and putting Lumina and her family in even greater danger. Alex must find a way to protect his feline friends without causing another disaster, and he’s willing to do whatever it takes to save them.
THE DISCOVERY OF LUMINA is a middle grade novel complete at 30,000 words.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
(Note: When I took out the unneeded first paragraph in the last draft, it left me with a boring hook, hence the rewritten beginning. As always, please be honest and let me know if any of this doesn't work. You guys are awesome, thanks for your help!)
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear (Agent):
Eleven-year-old Alex’s new pet is no ordinary cat. He’s shocked to find that the stray he’s been caring for is able to transform into a girl his age. Her name is Lumina, and she approaches Alex to ask for his assistance in fighting Alley Scratch, an army of cats that hate people. She is a member of the royal cat family, dedicated to loving and respecting humans. Naturally, she and her siblings are the army’s prime targets.
The only way for Lumina to gain the strength and endurance to battle Alley Scratch is to form a “bond of trust” with Alex—the more their friendship grows, the healthier and stronger she will become. Alex is eager to form this bond to help her, but he also comes up with an idea of his own: Why not show the Alley Scratch cats kindness to help turn them around to the good side?
Unfortunately, the cats aren’t swayed by friendly chatter and an all-you-can-eat picnic. This only ends up causing a chaotic brawl and putting Lumina and her family in even greater danger. Alex must find a way to protect his feline friends without causing another disaster, and he’s willing to do whatever it takes to save them.
THE DISCOVERY OF LUMINA is a middle grade novel complete at 30,000 words.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
(Note: When I took out the unneeded first paragraph in the last draft, it left me with a boring hook, hence the rewritten beginning. As always, please be honest and let me know if any of this doesn't work. You guys are awesome, thanks for your help!)
Oct 5, 2010
Query- Second Hand News
Dear Agent:
Gail Goldblum is a New York City woman on the edge. She comes out of a lousy marriage into her grandma Bubbie's two-room apartment in Washington Heights.
Her family arrange blind dates and trick her into meeting men, and Gail rebelling, reunites with old schoolmates, dates two wild "boys" from Princeton and uses her wit and talent to find a new career and survive her family's attempts to marry her off again.
Tony Cimino, the youngest of six children is left behind to run the neighborhood pizza business, though he will not abandon the dream of being his own boss. He doesn't remember Gail, yet there is something about her he needs to know more about.
The first time she knew she loved him, she was in the fourth grade and he was in Junior High School. Twenty years pass, but when she walks up to the counter, time freezes. Second Hand News, an 80,000 word, humorous romance is about starting over. How after twenty years two people find each other and fall in love.
I found your name the first time on Chuck Sambuchino's Blog; A Guide To Literary Agents, read your blog every day, and I believe my work meets your criteria. I would be happy to send part or all of the completed manuscript. Thank you for your consideration and time.
==================================
Thanks one and all. Look forward to your feedback.
Gail Goldblum is a New York City woman on the edge. She comes out of a lousy marriage into her grandma Bubbie's two-room apartment in Washington Heights.
Her family arrange blind dates and trick her into meeting men, and Gail rebelling, reunites with old schoolmates, dates two wild "boys" from Princeton and uses her wit and talent to find a new career and survive her family's attempts to marry her off again.
Tony Cimino, the youngest of six children is left behind to run the neighborhood pizza business, though he will not abandon the dream of being his own boss. He doesn't remember Gail, yet there is something about her he needs to know more about.
The first time she knew she loved him, she was in the fourth grade and he was in Junior High School. Twenty years pass, but when she walks up to the counter, time freezes. Second Hand News, an 80,000 word, humorous romance is about starting over. How after twenty years two people find each other and fall in love.
I found your name the first time on Chuck Sambuchino's Blog; A Guide To Literary Agents, read your blog every day, and I believe my work meets your criteria. I would be happy to send part or all of the completed manuscript. Thank you for your consideration and time.
==================================
Thanks one and all. Look forward to your feedback.
Oct 4, 2010
QUERY - LAKESIDE
Dear Agent,
While swimming in a secluded lake, seventeen-year-old Hannah sees a discarded pendant on the lakebed. When she picks it up, the pendant transports her to the isolated town of Lakeview where she meets Lily. The two become friends, and Hannah agrees to keep the lake, the town, and their friendship a secret – for her own safety, as well as Lily's.
Once school starts, Hannah begins dating Brendan, the new kid in town. After his mom dies unexpectedly, Brendan overhears his dad speaking with a stranger about her death taking place at a lake. Brendan realizes that his dad lied to him about his mom's death.
Hannah tells Brendan about Lily and the lake, knowing that Lily may be able to shed light on his mom’s death. What they discover in Lakeview gives Brendan hope for seeing his mom again. But when his plan fails and Hannah’s life becomes in danger, Brendan must use the powers of the lake to set things right, or risk losing his girlfriend forever.
LAKESIDE, a young adult novel complete at 85,000 words, combines mystery, romance, supernatural elements, and adventure.
Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Author
While swimming in a secluded lake, seventeen-year-old Hannah sees a discarded pendant on the lakebed. When she picks it up, the pendant transports her to the isolated town of Lakeview where she meets Lily. The two become friends, and Hannah agrees to keep the lake, the town, and their friendship a secret – for her own safety, as well as Lily's.
Once school starts, Hannah begins dating Brendan, the new kid in town. After his mom dies unexpectedly, Brendan overhears his dad speaking with a stranger about her death taking place at a lake. Brendan realizes that his dad lied to him about his mom's death.
Hannah tells Brendan about Lily and the lake, knowing that Lily may be able to shed light on his mom’s death. What they discover in Lakeview gives Brendan hope for seeing his mom again. But when his plan fails and Hannah’s life becomes in danger, Brendan must use the powers of the lake to set things right, or risk losing his girlfriend forever.
LAKESIDE, a young adult novel complete at 85,000 words, combines mystery, romance, supernatural elements, and adventure.
Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Author
Query - The Paw Shake Portal (First Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Author's Note: Thank you SO much to all who critiqued my first query. It helped so much! A special thank you to Rick for hosting this -- I would be lost without the Slushpile!
I realized my last query didn't accurately represent the story; I was too tied up in details. I feel like this one is more spot-on, but needs a ton of tightening. I also tentatively changed the title. Thanks in advance for your suggestions!
Dear (Agent):
Eleven-year-old Alex’s closest friend is his cat. No, he isn’t a loner. His friend Lumina is both human and feline.
When Alex finds a stray cat in his back yard, he doesn’t expect her to be able to turn into a girl his age. Lumina approaches Alex as a human and asks for his assistance in fighting Alley Scratch, an army of cats that hate people. The only way for her to gain the strength and endurance to battle Alley Scratch is to form a “bond of trust” with Alex—the more their friendship grows, the healthier and stronger she will become.
Alex is eager to form this bond to help Lumina, but he also comes up with an idea of his own: Why not show the Alley Scratch cats kindness to help turn them around to the good side? Unfortunately, his plan backfires, causing a chaotic brawl and putting Lumina and her family in even greater danger. Alex must find a way to protect his feline friends without causing another disaster, and he’s willing to do whatever it takes to save them.
THE DISCOVERY OF LUMINA is a middle grade novel complete at 30,000 words.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Author's Note: Thank you SO much to all who critiqued my first query. It helped so much! A special thank you to Rick for hosting this -- I would be lost without the Slushpile!
I realized my last query didn't accurately represent the story; I was too tied up in details. I feel like this one is more spot-on, but needs a ton of tightening. I also tentatively changed the title. Thanks in advance for your suggestions!
Dear (Agent):
Eleven-year-old Alex’s closest friend is his cat. No, he isn’t a loner. His friend Lumina is both human and feline.
When Alex finds a stray cat in his back yard, he doesn’t expect her to be able to turn into a girl his age. Lumina approaches Alex as a human and asks for his assistance in fighting Alley Scratch, an army of cats that hate people. The only way for her to gain the strength and endurance to battle Alley Scratch is to form a “bond of trust” with Alex—the more their friendship grows, the healthier and stronger she will become.
Alex is eager to form this bond to help Lumina, but he also comes up with an idea of his own: Why not show the Alley Scratch cats kindness to help turn them around to the good side? Unfortunately, his plan backfires, causing a chaotic brawl and putting Lumina and her family in even greater danger. Alex must find a way to protect his feline friends without causing another disaster, and he’s willing to do whatever it takes to save them.
THE DISCOVERY OF LUMINA is a middle grade novel complete at 30,000 words.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Sep 30, 2010
QUERY- MAD AS A HATTER (revision 3)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Dear Awesome Agent,
London, 1882.
Seven years ago, Emil Aleric and his sister were kidnapped. Emil survived. His sister didn’t. So when word of a ruthless killer rampaging London convinces Emil that his kidnapper is on the move, he thinks it’s fate that his guardian, Officer Corwin James, is in charge of the case.
The basic facts of the murders are well known. A young girl is kidnapped. Three days later, the body shows up, horrifically mutilated. However, Emil and Corwin know a little more than the general public: each murder is accompanied by a note quoting Alice in Wonderland.
These notes confirm Emil’s suspicions. He knew his kidnapper by only one name: The Hatter. But as he and his guardian get closer and closer to tracking the man down, Emil starts to realize exactly what confronting his past will mean. He can live with the nightmares. But if he fails to avenge his sister’s death, he doesn’t know how he’ll live with himself- if he lives at all.
MAD AS A HATTER, a YA historical mystery, is complete at 50,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Me
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Dear Awesome Agent,
London, 1882.
Seven years ago, Emil Aleric and his sister were kidnapped. Emil survived. His sister didn’t. So when word of a ruthless killer rampaging London convinces Emil that his kidnapper is on the move, he thinks it’s fate that his guardian, Officer Corwin James, is in charge of the case.
The basic facts of the murders are well known. A young girl is kidnapped. Three days later, the body shows up, horrifically mutilated. However, Emil and Corwin know a little more than the general public: each murder is accompanied by a note quoting Alice in Wonderland.
These notes confirm Emil’s suspicions. He knew his kidnapper by only one name: The Hatter. But as he and his guardian get closer and closer to tracking the man down, Emil starts to realize exactly what confronting his past will mean. He can live with the nightmares. But if he fails to avenge his sister’s death, he doesn’t know how he’ll live with himself- if he lives at all.
MAD AS A HATTER, a YA historical mystery, is complete at 50,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Me
Sep 29, 2010
QUERY- THE WHIP-SLIP (Revised)
Click here to read the original query.
Seventeen-year-old Thea Vans will do anything to protect her best friend, Tully. That’s why she’ll never speak to him again.
Thea’s always hidden her ability to heal or infect with a single touch – but the powers don’t belong to her anymore. Left-Hander, the new and inexplicable voice in her head has taken control, and unfortunately for Thea, she’s got a two-year-old’s temperament. A few cases of hives, broken legs, projectile vomiting, and heart palpitations all with Thea at the scene have put her in the spotlight at school – and now Tully thinks she’s possessed.
Thea would argue, but she knows nothing about her origins or who Left-Hander is, thanks to her guardian’s lack of blab. She doesn’t know that the teenagers who reawaken dead eels at the local waterway and sic them on a crowd of high schoolers are called The Whips, soldiers of Death.
Thea’s reward for fighting the Whips and saving her classmates is information: the Whips and Slips (the soldiers of Life) have been fighting for centuries, and their greatest weapon is Thea, whose set of powers could be used to kill thousands. Run-and-hide would be a smart move –
Except Tully’s injured in the waterway attack and is taken to the Slip base to heal. Thea’s got no choice but to follow and make sure he makes it out alive. Good thing the Slips don’t realize she’s got some Whip in her too. If she can just control her powers, maybe she and Tully can make it out alive.
As long as Left-Hander cooperates.
Seventeen-year-old Thea Vans will do anything to protect her best friend, Tully. That’s why she’ll never speak to him again.
Thea’s always hidden her ability to heal or infect with a single touch – but the powers don’t belong to her anymore. Left-Hander, the new and inexplicable voice in her head has taken control, and unfortunately for Thea, she’s got a two-year-old’s temperament. A few cases of hives, broken legs, projectile vomiting, and heart palpitations all with Thea at the scene have put her in the spotlight at school – and now Tully thinks she’s possessed.
Thea would argue, but she knows nothing about her origins or who Left-Hander is, thanks to her guardian’s lack of blab. She doesn’t know that the teenagers who reawaken dead eels at the local waterway and sic them on a crowd of high schoolers are called The Whips, soldiers of Death.
Thea’s reward for fighting the Whips and saving her classmates is information: the Whips and Slips (the soldiers of Life) have been fighting for centuries, and their greatest weapon is Thea, whose set of powers could be used to kill thousands. Run-and-hide would be a smart move –
Except Tully’s injured in the waterway attack and is taken to the Slip base to heal. Thea’s got no choice but to follow and make sure he makes it out alive. Good thing the Slips don’t realize she’s got some Whip in her too. If she can just control her powers, maybe she and Tully can make it out alive.
As long as Left-Hander cooperates.
QUERY- MAD AS A HATTER (revision 2)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Awesome Agent,
London, 1882.
Seven years ago, Emil Aleric and his sister were kidnapped. Emil survived. His sister didn’t. So when word of a ruthless killer rampaging London reaches home, his mother is- understandably- frightened into sending him to live with Corwin James, the officer in charge of the case, until the criminal is caught.
Every murder follows the same pattern: a young girl is kidnapped. Three days later, her body shows up, horrifically mutilated. But Emil is also privy to some extra information: each murder is accompanied by a note quoting Alice in Wonderland.
These notes don’t mean anything to the police, but they do to Emil. The man who kidnapped him was never caught, and Emil only knew him by one name: the Hatter. If the man they’re looking for and the tormenter of his past are the same person, then Emil will do anything to stop the man. He even stands a chance of avenging his sister—if he isn’t killed first.
MAD AS A HATTER, a YA historical mystery, is complete at 50,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Me
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Awesome Agent,
London, 1882.
Seven years ago, Emil Aleric and his sister were kidnapped. Emil survived. His sister didn’t. So when word of a ruthless killer rampaging London reaches home, his mother is- understandably- frightened into sending him to live with Corwin James, the officer in charge of the case, until the criminal is caught.
Every murder follows the same pattern: a young girl is kidnapped. Three days later, her body shows up, horrifically mutilated. But Emil is also privy to some extra information: each murder is accompanied by a note quoting Alice in Wonderland.
These notes don’t mean anything to the police, but they do to Emil. The man who kidnapped him was never caught, and Emil only knew him by one name: the Hatter. If the man they’re looking for and the tormenter of his past are the same person, then Emil will do anything to stop the man. He even stands a chance of avenging his sister—if he isn’t killed first.
MAD AS A HATTER, a YA historical mystery, is complete at 50,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Me
Sep 28, 2010
THE WHIP-SLIP QUERY
The students and faculty of Waltham High School have had a lot of incidents lately – broken legs, allergic reactions, nosebleeds, heart palpitations – and they’re beginning to think 17-year-old Thea Vans has something to do with it.
They’re not wrong.
Thea’s always been able to hurt or heal with a single touch. Bruises, hives, projectile vomiting. Another touch cures colds, mends broken legs, or brings blissful sleep. Not even her best friend knew about the powers – until Left-Hander came along, the new and inexplicable voice in her head. And Left-Hander controls the powers now.
Unfortunately for Thea, Left-Hander prefers hurting to healing. Thea can’t stop Lefty when she decides to punish someone - and it doesn’t take much to annoy Left-Hander.
Before she can figure out just who – or what – Left-Hander is, a group of teenagers with powers identical to Thea’s attack the local park. Thea convinces Left-Hander to fight them, but doing so lands her in the middle of a war between the soldiers of Life and the soldiers of Death. A war where Thea is the weapon of mass destruction.
If either side finds out what Thea is, thousands will die – but her best friend is injured in the attack on the park and taken by the soldiers of Life. Thea follows with the hope that if she hides her abilities, maybe they’ll both make it through alive.
If Left-Hander can cooperate.
THE WHIP-SLIP is a young adult fantasy complete at 90,000 words. This will fit well alongside the works of your clients xxx & xxxx.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
They’re not wrong.
Thea’s always been able to hurt or heal with a single touch. Bruises, hives, projectile vomiting. Another touch cures colds, mends broken legs, or brings blissful sleep. Not even her best friend knew about the powers – until Left-Hander came along, the new and inexplicable voice in her head. And Left-Hander controls the powers now.
Unfortunately for Thea, Left-Hander prefers hurting to healing. Thea can’t stop Lefty when she decides to punish someone - and it doesn’t take much to annoy Left-Hander.
Before she can figure out just who – or what – Left-Hander is, a group of teenagers with powers identical to Thea’s attack the local park. Thea convinces Left-Hander to fight them, but doing so lands her in the middle of a war between the soldiers of Life and the soldiers of Death. A war where Thea is the weapon of mass destruction.
If either side finds out what Thea is, thousands will die – but her best friend is injured in the attack on the park and taken by the soldiers of Life. Thea follows with the hope that if she hides her abilities, maybe they’ll both make it through alive.
If Left-Hander can cooperate.
THE WHIP-SLIP is a young adult fantasy complete at 90,000 words. This will fit well alongside the works of your clients xxx & xxxx.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
QUERY: STEAM PALACE
Dear Esteemed Literary Agent
Sometimes meeting your Evil Twin makes you wonder which one you are.
Sophia Stratton leaves home to discover a temptress, an immoral gutter prowler named Viola living with her gentle aunt. Shocked and curious, she follows Viola to the Steam Palace, a small city of iniquity and sin built upon an ancient half-buried barge in the Connecticut River. Despite the obvious fact that Viola hails from a native tribe and lacks the slightest touch of civilized culture, Sophia is inexplicably drawn to her, and finds to her embarrassment that they share a similar demeanor. Needless to say when Sophia discovers this wanton woman is actually her twin sister, separated at birth, it thoroughly destroys her. But that is only part of the story.
All Sophia wants is a job, perhaps a proposal of marriage to an eligible gentleman of sufficient reputation, and a means to restore her family name. She never intends on bringing her country--torn between two neighboring countries--to the brink of ruin. She now hides out in a bombed-out Native village where spirits walk among the corpses. Captain Thomas Putnam, her love, is most likely dead, his leg torn by shrapnel in a unfortunate assault on their country’s rival, the Southland, in an attempt to steal the mysterious Sea Key. And now Viola, of whom Sophia has grown quite fond despite Viola’s untoward upbringing, has surrendered to the man responsible to all this destruction and faces torture and death for her disobedience. Hartford and the Steam Palace lie in ruins, and Ghost, a powerful Fury Lord with limitless technological power at his fingertips, refuses to assist. Sophia must find a way to rescue her sister, restore Thomas’ honor, convince Ghost to join their cause, locate the mythical Sea Key, and fight off her country’s invaders before war claims the remnants of a once-proud kingdom.
Steam Palace, complete at 120,000 words, is a Steampunk romp through alternate-history America, where proto-Nazis clash with British-style royalty while the Free Southland tries to democratize both. It features twins separated at birth, secret keys to impossible powers, airships and mechohorses, and of course, tea, corsets, and goggles.
This is a very early first-draft of a query. I'm not as much interested in grammar or style as much as wondering whether this is a good place to start. Does the book sound interesting? Is there too much detail? Do you understand what's at stake? I will be posting updates that are a bit more polished.
Sometimes meeting your Evil Twin makes you wonder which one you are.
Sophia Stratton leaves home to discover a temptress, an immoral gutter prowler named Viola living with her gentle aunt. Shocked and curious, she follows Viola to the Steam Palace, a small city of iniquity and sin built upon an ancient half-buried barge in the Connecticut River. Despite the obvious fact that Viola hails from a native tribe and lacks the slightest touch of civilized culture, Sophia is inexplicably drawn to her, and finds to her embarrassment that they share a similar demeanor. Needless to say when Sophia discovers this wanton woman is actually her twin sister, separated at birth, it thoroughly destroys her. But that is only part of the story.
All Sophia wants is a job, perhaps a proposal of marriage to an eligible gentleman of sufficient reputation, and a means to restore her family name. She never intends on bringing her country--torn between two neighboring countries--to the brink of ruin. She now hides out in a bombed-out Native village where spirits walk among the corpses. Captain Thomas Putnam, her love, is most likely dead, his leg torn by shrapnel in a unfortunate assault on their country’s rival, the Southland, in an attempt to steal the mysterious Sea Key. And now Viola, of whom Sophia has grown quite fond despite Viola’s untoward upbringing, has surrendered to the man responsible to all this destruction and faces torture and death for her disobedience. Hartford and the Steam Palace lie in ruins, and Ghost, a powerful Fury Lord with limitless technological power at his fingertips, refuses to assist. Sophia must find a way to rescue her sister, restore Thomas’ honor, convince Ghost to join their cause, locate the mythical Sea Key, and fight off her country’s invaders before war claims the remnants of a once-proud kingdom.
Steam Palace, complete at 120,000 words, is a Steampunk romp through alternate-history America, where proto-Nazis clash with British-style royalty while the Free Southland tries to democratize both. It features twins separated at birth, secret keys to impossible powers, airships and mechohorses, and of course, tea, corsets, and goggles.
This is a very early first-draft of a query. I'm not as much interested in grammar or style as much as wondering whether this is a good place to start. Does the book sound interesting? Is there too much detail? Do you understand what's at stake? I will be posting updates that are a bit more polished.
Sep 27, 2010
Knight of Light - YA Fantasy
Dear Awesome Agent,
Knight of Light is an 89,000 word young adult fantasy about a sixteen-year-old girl and her quest to fit into the 12th century’s rigid social expectations despite her dangerous abnormalities – in fact, Scotlyn is afraid she might not be human.
After escaping torture from a servant of the Dark Rebellion, Scotlyn is hired as a handmaid in Oswestry, England. Although she is apparently betrothed to a prince of the mythical Kingdom of Neviah she catches the eye of young Duke Lyrad. Their beautiful romance is cut short when Lyrad departs and disappears in King Richard’s holy crusade. Now Lyrad’s back and is the leader of an army sent to destroy her homeland. Scotlyn must set aside social norms of a society denying equal rights and decide if she is the damsel in distress or the knight in shining armor.
To protect her country from Lyrad and the Dark Rebellion, Scotlyn enlists the help of a clever dwarf, accident-prone pixie and a rugged mysterious ranger (Cyrus, the Prince of Neviah) with his own paranormal abilities — and immortal secrets. When she starts to discern the enemy’s thoughts and is offered power, wealth and a proposal of marriage from the man she once loved, she questions her forgotten past and the reasons behind her personal crusade. In the face of war and political conspirators, the Dark Rebellion trying to steal her powers to control fire and England’s charming lords trying to steal her heart, Scotlyn must embrace her destiny, expose her secrets and set in motion an apocalyptic prophecy or concede the kingdom she swore to defend.
Knight of Light is the first book in a series, but can also stand on its own. The series progresses forward and delves into documented historical phenomenon and natural disasters of biblical proportions that entices indulgence of a fine line between intriguing fact and alluring fantasy.
As an author, I have been a featured guest at festivals and conferences throughout the United States including the international Comic-Con in San Diego. I have published numerous articles on a wide range of topics including writing techniques. I’ve worked professionally as a ghostwriter and as a playwright for a local theater. I am the manager for two of New York Times Best Seller, David Farland's writing groups and I am a member of American Night Writers Association. Aside from being a mother I juggle a full time career as an author, professional illustrator and e-book animator.
I look forward to your response.
Best,
Deirdra Eden Coppel
guidedhope@gmail.com
www.Knightess.com
Knight of Light is an 89,000 word young adult fantasy about a sixteen-year-old girl and her quest to fit into the 12th century’s rigid social expectations despite her dangerous abnormalities – in fact, Scotlyn is afraid she might not be human.
After escaping torture from a servant of the Dark Rebellion, Scotlyn is hired as a handmaid in Oswestry, England. Although she is apparently betrothed to a prince of the mythical Kingdom of Neviah she catches the eye of young Duke Lyrad. Their beautiful romance is cut short when Lyrad departs and disappears in King Richard’s holy crusade. Now Lyrad’s back and is the leader of an army sent to destroy her homeland. Scotlyn must set aside social norms of a society denying equal rights and decide if she is the damsel in distress or the knight in shining armor.
To protect her country from Lyrad and the Dark Rebellion, Scotlyn enlists the help of a clever dwarf, accident-prone pixie and a rugged mysterious ranger (Cyrus, the Prince of Neviah) with his own paranormal abilities — and immortal secrets. When she starts to discern the enemy’s thoughts and is offered power, wealth and a proposal of marriage from the man she once loved, she questions her forgotten past and the reasons behind her personal crusade. In the face of war and political conspirators, the Dark Rebellion trying to steal her powers to control fire and England’s charming lords trying to steal her heart, Scotlyn must embrace her destiny, expose her secrets and set in motion an apocalyptic prophecy or concede the kingdom she swore to defend.
Knight of Light is the first book in a series, but can also stand on its own. The series progresses forward and delves into documented historical phenomenon and natural disasters of biblical proportions that entices indulgence of a fine line between intriguing fact and alluring fantasy.
As an author, I have been a featured guest at festivals and conferences throughout the United States including the international Comic-Con in San Diego. I have published numerous articles on a wide range of topics including writing techniques. I’ve worked professionally as a ghostwriter and as a playwright for a local theater. I am the manager for two of New York Times Best Seller, David Farland's writing groups and I am a member of American Night Writers Association. Aside from being a mother I juggle a full time career as an author, professional illustrator and e-book animator.
I look forward to your response.
Best,
Deirdra Eden Coppel
guidedhope@gmail.com
www.Knightess.com
Sep 25, 2010
QUERY – IMMORTAL DECISION
Dear Super-Duper Agent looking for Queries that lack suckitutde:
As a former priest turned vampire, Stefan’s greatest desire is to end his two hundred years of tortured existence. He knows his prophesized death is at hand, but suicide is impossible and his vampiric nature prevents him from purposely losing a battle. Then the means to his end presents itself in the form of an American named William, the lost heir Stefan has been searching for.
Stefan lures the young man to Romania with the promise of a substantial inheritance. In order to receive it, William must read the complete history of his future estate and the past of his ancestors. The centuries-old manuscript - Stefan's own personal journal – provides William with an abundance of information about the supernatural world, and what it means to be a vampire.
Stefan is vexed that the mere human will flee when he realizes what he must do to claim his inheritance, and uses all his powers of psychological manipulation at his disposal to make William stay. But Stefan's conscience is torn. If Stefan succeeds, he may condemn William to eternal damnation. If he fails, he could inflict the same torture he has face hundreds of years of sunless, Godless existence.
IMMORTAL DECISION is a 109,000 word urban fantasy debut. Thank you for your consideration.
As a former priest turned vampire, Stefan’s greatest desire is to end his two hundred years of tortured existence. He knows his prophesized death is at hand, but suicide is impossible and his vampiric nature prevents him from purposely losing a battle. Then the means to his end presents itself in the form of an American named William, the lost heir Stefan has been searching for.
Stefan lures the young man to Romania with the promise of a substantial inheritance. In order to receive it, William must read the complete history of his future estate and the past of his ancestors. The centuries-old manuscript - Stefan's own personal journal – provides William with an abundance of information about the supernatural world, and what it means to be a vampire.
Stefan is vexed that the mere human will flee when he realizes what he must do to claim his inheritance, and uses all his powers of psychological manipulation at his disposal to make William stay. But Stefan's conscience is torn. If Stefan succeeds, he may condemn William to eternal damnation. If he fails, he could inflict the same torture he has face hundreds of years of sunless, Godless existence.
IMMORTAL DECISION is a 109,000 word urban fantasy debut. Thank you for your consideration.
Sep 18, 2010
QUERY- REMEMBERING YOU women's fiction
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Dear Agent,
“Genna” Genovase is smart, beautiful, driven and about to break the glass ceiling at the swanky country club in Delaware where she works. Taking her long awaited three-week vacation before she begins as “Director of the Kitchens”, Genna decides to surprise her family by driving up to Bristol, Rhode Island for the annual 4th of July Parade.
However, the surprise is on her when she runs into her ex-fiancé at her uncle’s diner. Tony makes it clear he wants her back and Genna wonders if she can forgive him for breaking her heart a decade ago.
Things get complicated though, when little Petie DiCampo shows up at the diner one morning, all grown up and looking like a calendar boy. He sets his sights and his heart on Genna but Tony isn’t giving up that easily.
Genna also finds her aunt may be in the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s. The family is in denial; one cousin is hysterical, another completely shuts down and her beloved uncle, dealing with all the stress, has a heart attack.
Genna steps in to keep the diner open and the family together while he recuperates and she questions what’s more important – breaking that glass ceiling or her family.
When her uncle reassures her the family and the diner will be fine without her, she heads back to Delaware. Unfortunately, she leaves her heart behind in Rhode Island and wonders what it will take to get it back.
REMEMBERING YOU is a complete work of women's fiction at 87,000 words.
etc. etc.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Dear Agent,
“Genna” Genovase is smart, beautiful, driven and about to break the glass ceiling at the swanky country club in Delaware where she works. Taking her long awaited three-week vacation before she begins as “Director of the Kitchens”, Genna decides to surprise her family by driving up to Bristol, Rhode Island for the annual 4th of July Parade.
However, the surprise is on her when she runs into her ex-fiancé at her uncle’s diner. Tony makes it clear he wants her back and Genna wonders if she can forgive him for breaking her heart a decade ago.
Things get complicated though, when little Petie DiCampo shows up at the diner one morning, all grown up and looking like a calendar boy. He sets his sights and his heart on Genna but Tony isn’t giving up that easily.
Genna also finds her aunt may be in the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s. The family is in denial; one cousin is hysterical, another completely shuts down and her beloved uncle, dealing with all the stress, has a heart attack.
Genna steps in to keep the diner open and the family together while he recuperates and she questions what’s more important – breaking that glass ceiling or her family.
When her uncle reassures her the family and the diner will be fine without her, she heads back to Delaware. Unfortunately, she leaves her heart behind in Rhode Island and wonders what it will take to get it back.
REMEMBERING YOU is a complete work of women's fiction at 87,000 words.
etc. etc.
Sep 17, 2010
QUERY- MAD AS A HATTER (first revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Awesome Agent,
London, 1882. Kidnapped as a toddler, Emil Aleric and his mother survived. The rest of the family didn't. So the word of a ruthless killer rampaging London frightens his mother into sending Emil to live with Officer Corwin James.
Every murder follows the same pattern: a young girl is kidnapped. Three days later, her body shows up, killed in a horrific fashion. But what throws everyone off is the notes quoting Alice in Wonderland.
This doesn’t mean anything to the police, but it does to Emil. The man who kidnapped him was never caught, and Emil only knew him by one name: the Hatter. If the man they’re looking for and the tormenter of his past are the same person, then Emil will do anything to stop the man. He even stands a chance of avenging his sister—if he isn’t killed first.
MAD AS A HATTER, a YA historical mystery with a supernatural twist, is complete at 50,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Me
Dear Awesome Agent,
London, 1882. Kidnapped as a toddler, Emil Aleric and his mother survived. The rest of the family didn't. So the word of a ruthless killer rampaging London frightens his mother into sending Emil to live with Officer Corwin James.
Every murder follows the same pattern: a young girl is kidnapped. Three days later, her body shows up, killed in a horrific fashion. But what throws everyone off is the notes quoting Alice in Wonderland.
This doesn’t mean anything to the police, but it does to Emil. The man who kidnapped him was never caught, and Emil only knew him by one name: the Hatter. If the man they’re looking for and the tormenter of his past are the same person, then Emil will do anything to stop the man. He even stands a chance of avenging his sister—if he isn’t killed first.
MAD AS A HATTER, a YA historical mystery with a supernatural twist, is complete at 50,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Me
Sep 16, 2010
Query - Possessed
Dear Agent So-and-So,
Fourteen year old Gabriel is stuck at home with his parents after fighting in the Napoleonic War for two years. His father has forbidden him to return to sea after losing his left hand in battle.
To make matters worse, Gabriel is forced to go on a long trip to visit his aging aunt in the country. His boredom evaporates when he hears voices in a dark room filled with locked cabinets.
Gabriel's curiosity is cut short when a series of tragic events drive him into the woods with a madman in hot pursuit. The voices from the room follow him there. Just when he thinks that he is going mad, the truth unravels.
Everything that he thought was real is a lie, including his identity. He is not a soldier. He is a cold blooded murderer.
The angry voices of those that he shot five years ago only become worse. He fears the day when he, too, will enter into eternity.
Is there any way out of everlasting punishment for killing the innocent? Gabriel is certain that there isn`t one.
Possessed is a supernatural thriller that contains a final word count of 56,139 words. I have pasted the first ten pages at the bottom of this email.
Thank you for taking the time to review my work. If you would like to see more of my manuscript, please let me know.
Sincerely,
Sara Flower
Fourteen year old Gabriel is stuck at home with his parents after fighting in the Napoleonic War for two years. His father has forbidden him to return to sea after losing his left hand in battle.
To make matters worse, Gabriel is forced to go on a long trip to visit his aging aunt in the country. His boredom evaporates when he hears voices in a dark room filled with locked cabinets.
Gabriel's curiosity is cut short when a series of tragic events drive him into the woods with a madman in hot pursuit. The voices from the room follow him there. Just when he thinks that he is going mad, the truth unravels.
Everything that he thought was real is a lie, including his identity. He is not a soldier. He is a cold blooded murderer.
The angry voices of those that he shot five years ago only become worse. He fears the day when he, too, will enter into eternity.
Is there any way out of everlasting punishment for killing the innocent? Gabriel is certain that there isn`t one.
Possessed is a supernatural thriller that contains a final word count of 56,139 words. I have pasted the first ten pages at the bottom of this email.
Thank you for taking the time to review my work. If you would like to see more of my manuscript, please let me know.
Sincerely,
Sara Flower
Sep 15, 2010
YA query: A HEART-SHAPED HOLE (first revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Annabelle's life hinges on one thing: her ability to deceive the people around her into believing she is perfectly happy. She's got everything she could ever want: rich parents who stay out of her way, a wild group of partygoing friends, and the world practically at her fingertips. At the center of it all is her highly sought-after boyfriend, Emmett. But Annabelle has a horrible secret: her smile is a lie.
Emmett physically and emotionally abuses Annabelle, slowly turning her into a twisted whirlwind of self-hatred and guilt. Her one pride is her ability to manipulate her peers into looking straight through the problems she hides. Stuck with a family too absorbed in their own petty problems, she has no one to turn to. That is, until she meets Brendon while hiding in the bathroom during a party.
Brendon is just as disillusioned as Annabelle. He becomes a shoulder for her to lean on, always eerily able to see right through her shallow charade of happiness. As Annabelle reclaims the person she once was, she begins to find self-worth, open her eyes to her boyfriend's faults, and come to terms with her reasons for staying with Emmett. But Annabelle has a past, and Brendon knows more about her situation than he lets on. These two factors become what may ultimately prevent Annabelle from ever feeling genuine happiness again.
Annabelle's life hinges on one thing: her ability to deceive the people around her into believing she is perfectly happy. She's got everything she could ever want: rich parents who stay out of her way, a wild group of partygoing friends, and the world practically at her fingertips. At the center of it all is her highly sought-after boyfriend, Emmett. But Annabelle has a horrible secret: her smile is a lie.
Emmett physically and emotionally abuses Annabelle, slowly turning her into a twisted whirlwind of self-hatred and guilt. Her one pride is her ability to manipulate her peers into looking straight through the problems she hides. Stuck with a family too absorbed in their own petty problems, she has no one to turn to. That is, until she meets Brendon while hiding in the bathroom during a party.
Brendon is just as disillusioned as Annabelle. He becomes a shoulder for her to lean on, always eerily able to see right through her shallow charade of happiness. As Annabelle reclaims the person she once was, she begins to find self-worth, open her eyes to her boyfriend's faults, and come to terms with her reasons for staying with Emmett. But Annabelle has a past, and Brendon knows more about her situation than he lets on. These two factors become what may ultimately prevent Annabelle from ever feeling genuine happiness again.
MAD AS A HATTER- Query
Dear xxx,
Corwin James, a Scotland Yard officer investigating a series of murders, knows he's in over his head when the newspapers report him as dead.
Following instructions in a mysterious letter from his boss, Corwin and his teenage ward, Emil, take advantage of his current alibi to investigate the case. The only clues they have as to who the murderer is are notes left at the sites of the murders, all quoting Alice in Wonderland. Though both of them are desperate to catch the man who killed their loved ones, they soon discover that the murderer is not only as intelligent as both of the combined, but twice as devious. To get to the bottom of the case, Emil must face the demons of his horrific past and the two must go on a literal rabbit chase for answers. If they find the murderer, they’ll never be free of the nightmare.
If they fail to capture him, he lays his hands on his final intended victims: the royal family.
MAD AS A HATTER is a 50,000 word mystery with a supernatural twist set in Victorian London. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
xxx
Corwin James, a Scotland Yard officer investigating a series of murders, knows he's in over his head when the newspapers report him as dead.
Following instructions in a mysterious letter from his boss, Corwin and his teenage ward, Emil, take advantage of his current alibi to investigate the case. The only clues they have as to who the murderer is are notes left at the sites of the murders, all quoting Alice in Wonderland. Though both of them are desperate to catch the man who killed their loved ones, they soon discover that the murderer is not only as intelligent as both of the combined, but twice as devious. To get to the bottom of the case, Emil must face the demons of his horrific past and the two must go on a literal rabbit chase for answers. If they find the murderer, they’ll never be free of the nightmare.
If they fail to capture him, he lays his hands on his final intended victims: the royal family.
MAD AS A HATTER is a 50,000 word mystery with a supernatural twist set in Victorian London. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
xxx
Sep 11, 2010
First Sentence Help- Off The Edge
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Hi Everyone-- I need help. I am trying to fix my MS first sentence (we all know how important that first sentence is). I'm just not getting it right. I know what I want to say, but the words aren't coming. I need your advice.
Here it is:
If I had an inkling that everything would change in less than twelve hours I would have stayed on the plane.
Any ideas?? One sentance only.
Thanks-Erin
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Hi Everyone-- I need help. I am trying to fix my MS first sentence (we all know how important that first sentence is). I'm just not getting it right. I know what I want to say, but the words aren't coming. I need your advice.
Here it is:
If I had an inkling that everything would change in less than twelve hours I would have stayed on the plane.
Any ideas?? One sentance only.
Thanks-Erin
Sep 10, 2010
Query - Elemental Matters: Giving & Getting
Cody J. McLean
(My Address)
(My City, State & ZIP Code)
(My Phone Number)
elementalmattersbooks@gmail.com
http://elemental-matters.blogspot.com/
(Agent)
(Agency)
(Street Address)
(City, State, Zip Code)
(Date of Submission)
Dear Mr./Ms. (Agent),
I am seeking representation for my novel, Elemental Matters: Giving & Getting, the first draft of which was completed at approximately 120,000 words on March 7 of this year. This book is to be the first in a planned series that can be best classified as a contemporary fantasy. It starts off fun and light, exploring the wonders of the mystic in a manner similar to Harry Potter. However, it progressively delves into deeper, darker territory. With an enthralling storyline, deep characters, and a unique blend of sci-fi and fantasy, Elemental Matters: Giving & Getting is sure to pull in readers like a black hole.
Life just isn’t fair; it’s a fact and everyone knows it. People just handle it in different ways. Chunhua is a girl who knows this all too well. Her family means everything to her, but her ancestral past has determined her future. On a shared birthday, she and her sisters receive mystic powers and new responsibilities. This seems innocent enough, but Chunhua’s life is thrown into oblivion when distant relatives hunt down her family for these powers, threaten them, and force her to follow their every whim. Her freedom is the price to save her dear kin. Somehow, she must find a way to break away from her new masters while still carrying out their dirty deeds. But in the midst of all this, Chunhua makes choices of her own that may prevent her from ever going back.
I am a seventeen-year-old high school student and as such, I can relate the audience to the protagonist better than, say, some middle-aged author could with recollections of their own teenage experiences. I also strongly believe that the market needs a bit of spicing up from some new blood. Read my work and you will likely agree.
If this has grabbed you by the collar, please contact me to request my full manuscript. Thank you for your time; I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Cody J. McLean
(My Address)
(My City, State & ZIP Code)
(My Phone Number)
elementalmattersbooks@gmail.com
http://elemental-matters.blogspot.com/
(Agent)
(Agency)
(Street Address)
(City, State, Zip Code)
(Date of Submission)
Dear Mr./Ms. (Agent),
I am seeking representation for my novel, Elemental Matters: Giving & Getting, the first draft of which was completed at approximately 120,000 words on March 7 of this year. This book is to be the first in a planned series that can be best classified as a contemporary fantasy. It starts off fun and light, exploring the wonders of the mystic in a manner similar to Harry Potter. However, it progressively delves into deeper, darker territory. With an enthralling storyline, deep characters, and a unique blend of sci-fi and fantasy, Elemental Matters: Giving & Getting is sure to pull in readers like a black hole.
Life just isn’t fair; it’s a fact and everyone knows it. People just handle it in different ways. Chunhua is a girl who knows this all too well. Her family means everything to her, but her ancestral past has determined her future. On a shared birthday, she and her sisters receive mystic powers and new responsibilities. This seems innocent enough, but Chunhua’s life is thrown into oblivion when distant relatives hunt down her family for these powers, threaten them, and force her to follow their every whim. Her freedom is the price to save her dear kin. Somehow, she must find a way to break away from her new masters while still carrying out their dirty deeds. But in the midst of all this, Chunhua makes choices of her own that may prevent her from ever going back.
I am a seventeen-year-old high school student and as such, I can relate the audience to the protagonist better than, say, some middle-aged author could with recollections of their own teenage experiences. I also strongly believe that the market needs a bit of spicing up from some new blood. Read my work and you will likely agree.
If this has grabbed you by the collar, please contact me to request my full manuscript. Thank you for your time; I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Cody J. McLean
Query: BOUND (1st revision)
Click here to read the original query.
First off, you'll note a drastic change in POV here. The book is told from both Grant and Morana's POV (as they are both the protag's).
Secondly, you'll notice a title change in the last paragraph.
Dear (NAME)
Morana Lewis discovers everything she knew about life is a lie, right down what species she is. Everything she learns, she tries to ignore, but one thing remains persistent—her bloodlust—because she’s half vampire.
Her struggle between vampire instincts and human morals ends when she falls into the hands of a full blood vampire and is forced through the transition—the process that brings her vampire traits out by drinking their blood. With her vampire traits fully asserted, everything in life is a new experience. In a moment of self-discovery, she exchanges blood with her vampire captor, binding herself to him. She feels the hollow void of his emotions, every physical sensation he feels, and experiences his memories every time she takes blood from him.
As his lengthy past unfolds before her, she learns there’s a reason for her existence, a reason he knew about because he was part of the vampire council that wants her back. Morana accepts that she’s half vampire, bound to an emotionless void of a being, and craves blood, but not that she’s a pawn in an attempt to evolve the vampire species.
Morana must find balance within the turmoil, decide whom she can trust and elude the councils’ servants who’ve been sent for her, because something tells her she’s more than anyone conceives.
THE LAST SCION, an 87,000-word adult urban fantasy novel, is set against the backdrop of brutal murders rocking Seattle shoreline and explores evolution and its fragility.
Thank you for your consideration,
Jodi Henry
First off, you'll note a drastic change in POV here. The book is told from both Grant and Morana's POV (as they are both the protag's).
Secondly, you'll notice a title change in the last paragraph.
Dear (NAME)
Morana Lewis discovers everything she knew about life is a lie, right down what species she is. Everything she learns, she tries to ignore, but one thing remains persistent—her bloodlust—because she’s half vampire.
Her struggle between vampire instincts and human morals ends when she falls into the hands of a full blood vampire and is forced through the transition—the process that brings her vampire traits out by drinking their blood. With her vampire traits fully asserted, everything in life is a new experience. In a moment of self-discovery, she exchanges blood with her vampire captor, binding herself to him. She feels the hollow void of his emotions, every physical sensation he feels, and experiences his memories every time she takes blood from him.
As his lengthy past unfolds before her, she learns there’s a reason for her existence, a reason he knew about because he was part of the vampire council that wants her back. Morana accepts that she’s half vampire, bound to an emotionless void of a being, and craves blood, but not that she’s a pawn in an attempt to evolve the vampire species.
Morana must find balance within the turmoil, decide whom she can trust and elude the councils’ servants who’ve been sent for her, because something tells her she’s more than anyone conceives.
THE LAST SCION, an 87,000-word adult urban fantasy novel, is set against the backdrop of brutal murders rocking Seattle shoreline and explores evolution and its fragility.
Thank you for your consideration,
Jodi Henry
QUERY SHARDS OF THE GLASS SLIPPER (ROUND II)
Click here to read the original query.
I revised my query based on all of the great suggestions you all have provided, again many thanks! this would be the more generalized version of the query, with a more accurate word count.
if anyone wants to find out more information about my story, you are welcome to visit http://www.roymauritsen.com (you can watch the book trailer there.)
thanks everyone- here's the query:
Dear_______,
Enclosed is an introduction to my story's plotline, along with some additional information about my novel.
In the aftermath of Happily Ever After, Cinderella has risen to the throne, although the once-innocent princess has now become a far more wicked prodigy of her stepmother. She reigns over her kingdom with tyrannical abandon. A rebel band of fairy tale heroes, led by General Snow White and her dwarven resistance fighters, discovers Cinderella's plans to invade Alice's Wonderland. Time is running out as Snow White, Rapunzel, Goldilocks, and others mount a desperate attempt to stop Cinderella before her plans destroy the kingdom and everything they hold dear. The rebels' only hope of success rests on the shoulders of a young girl named Patience Muffet. Patience carries the fabled shards of Cinderella's glass slippers, as well as the dark secret of who murdered the last of the fairy godmothers.
SHARDS OF THE GLASS SLIPPER, at about 118,000 words is YA fantasy novel with strong female heroes. Classic fairy tale characters are faithfully reinterpreted from their fabled origins and are woven into an ensemble cast with the benefit of pre-existing familiarity. Although SHARDS OF THE GLASS SLIPPER can be stand-alone story with resolution, it has great potential to be made into a series of books.
As a professional graphic artist, I have had the opportunity to build exposure for this concept. I was awarded Best in Show for my artwork from SHARDS OF THE GLASS SLIPPER and have gone on to display at several fantasy convention art shows,including DragonCon. I have received enthusiastic feedback and great interest in this story while in attendance at these events.
Thank you very much for your time and consideration.
Roy Mauritsen
I revised my query based on all of the great suggestions you all have provided, again many thanks! this would be the more generalized version of the query, with a more accurate word count.
if anyone wants to find out more information about my story, you are welcome to visit http://www.roymauritsen.com (you can watch the book trailer there.)
thanks everyone- here's the query:
Dear_______,
Enclosed is an introduction to my story's plotline, along with some additional information about my novel.
In the aftermath of Happily Ever After, Cinderella has risen to the throne, although the once-innocent princess has now become a far more wicked prodigy of her stepmother. She reigns over her kingdom with tyrannical abandon. A rebel band of fairy tale heroes, led by General Snow White and her dwarven resistance fighters, discovers Cinderella's plans to invade Alice's Wonderland. Time is running out as Snow White, Rapunzel, Goldilocks, and others mount a desperate attempt to stop Cinderella before her plans destroy the kingdom and everything they hold dear. The rebels' only hope of success rests on the shoulders of a young girl named Patience Muffet. Patience carries the fabled shards of Cinderella's glass slippers, as well as the dark secret of who murdered the last of the fairy godmothers.
SHARDS OF THE GLASS SLIPPER, at about 118,000 words is YA fantasy novel with strong female heroes. Classic fairy tale characters are faithfully reinterpreted from their fabled origins and are woven into an ensemble cast with the benefit of pre-existing familiarity. Although SHARDS OF THE GLASS SLIPPER can be stand-alone story with resolution, it has great potential to be made into a series of books.
As a professional graphic artist, I have had the opportunity to build exposure for this concept. I was awarded Best in Show for my artwork from SHARDS OF THE GLASS SLIPPER and have gone on to display at several fantasy convention art shows,including DragonCon. I have received enthusiastic feedback and great interest in this story while in attendance at these events.
Thank you very much for your time and consideration.
Roy Mauritsen
Sep 6, 2010
Query - Bond of Darkness (3rd Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read what was once the supposed final revesion ;-)
Please disregard the previous version (2nd) saying "Final Revision." Despite my stance, I realized I could gain more for filling out the query to that 250 mark. Thanks to all!
Dear [agent],
[Personal introduction.]
Valence, a Lunata warrior, hears a not-so-avoidable voice in his head. It pokes around and guides him, but also haunts him to remember his greatest sin -- the day he killed a friend. He claims he was forced to murder, but by an unknown means. For fourteen years, he has lived among the diverse races of Villis-Idun, each of which fear the Lunata.
Valence has an equal fear that the people cannot sense. Evidence grows that the Darkness, a destructive infection, has returned to their land. It claims its victims' hearts and transforms them into murderous creatures. Already, Valence is hunted by creatures and servants of the infection, but he seeks salvation for himself and the innocent. Along with a few strong-willed friends, he must scour Villis-Idun and rediscover how the infection was first contained.
The fight for survival quickly becomes a war, and Valence is charged with saving those he has never met. He must shed his stigma and regain his honor. He must relearn to trust those who have wronged him, all while unifying a nation against an enemy they cannot see. If they cannot suppress the infection, the Darkness’ path will be open to destroy all interracial civilization.
BOND OF DARKNESS is an epic fantasy, complete at 115,000 words. It tells the traditional hero’s quest while introducing an enemy far from demon lords and omnipotent gods. I have been published in the Stockpot, an undergraduate literary journal and the Sentinel, a county-circulated newspaper.
Thank you for your consideration.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read what was once the supposed final revesion ;-)
Please disregard the previous version (2nd) saying "Final Revision." Despite my stance, I realized I could gain more for filling out the query to that 250 mark. Thanks to all!
Dear [agent],
[Personal introduction.]
Valence, a Lunata warrior, hears a not-so-avoidable voice in his head. It pokes around and guides him, but also haunts him to remember his greatest sin -- the day he killed a friend. He claims he was forced to murder, but by an unknown means. For fourteen years, he has lived among the diverse races of Villis-Idun, each of which fear the Lunata.
Valence has an equal fear that the people cannot sense. Evidence grows that the Darkness, a destructive infection, has returned to their land. It claims its victims' hearts and transforms them into murderous creatures. Already, Valence is hunted by creatures and servants of the infection, but he seeks salvation for himself and the innocent. Along with a few strong-willed friends, he must scour Villis-Idun and rediscover how the infection was first contained.
The fight for survival quickly becomes a war, and Valence is charged with saving those he has never met. He must shed his stigma and regain his honor. He must relearn to trust those who have wronged him, all while unifying a nation against an enemy they cannot see. If they cannot suppress the infection, the Darkness’ path will be open to destroy all interracial civilization.
BOND OF DARKNESS is an epic fantasy, complete at 115,000 words. It tells the traditional hero’s quest while introducing an enemy far from demon lords and omnipotent gods. I have been published in the Stockpot, an undergraduate literary journal and the Sentinel, a county-circulated newspaper.
Thank you for your consideration.
Sep 5, 2010
Query- Off the Edge (2nd Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Thanks for all your great feedback. I hope this is my final draft. I don't want to talk more about the accident, because everything I've learned about query says to not give away the ending (cuz the accident is crazy). I'm confused on what genre still. It's a romance novel, but it's also full of adventure and suspense. Any thoughts?
Dear (Agent):
Twenty-year-old Eden Anderson is beautiful, popular, and unlucky in love. When Eden’s parents send her to live with her cousin for the summer on the North Shore of Hawaii, the last thing she wants is to think about boys. She's determined to spend the summer on the beach, healing her heart and working on her tan.
So, when the handsome Noa takes a sudden interest in Eden, she’s right to doubt his intentions—his reputation for being a player is as deep and never-ending as his pocket change. She tries keeping their relationship in the ‘just friends’ category, but Noa's good looks, charming attitude, and constant attention proves difficult to resist.
When Eden agrees to accompany him on a sailing trip to Maui, she finds herself jumping off cliffs (something she swore she would never do again), swimming with sharks, and braving a storm that threatens to sink their tiny sailboat. Eden falls hard for Noa and quickly discovers why his reputation is the talk of the town.
But it might not matter when something unexpected risks everything—including her life.
"Off the Edge" is a complete 94,000 word romance novel.
I spent five years as a tour guide in Hawaii gaining knowledge of the island, culture, and expectations of typical tourists. To find out more, please visit my website at www.erinapelu.com.
I look forward to hearing from you,
Erin Apelu
Click here to read the first revision.
Thanks for all your great feedback. I hope this is my final draft. I don't want to talk more about the accident, because everything I've learned about query says to not give away the ending (cuz the accident is crazy). I'm confused on what genre still. It's a romance novel, but it's also full of adventure and suspense. Any thoughts?
Dear (Agent):
Twenty-year-old Eden Anderson is beautiful, popular, and unlucky in love. When Eden’s parents send her to live with her cousin for the summer on the North Shore of Hawaii, the last thing she wants is to think about boys. She's determined to spend the summer on the beach, healing her heart and working on her tan.
So, when the handsome Noa takes a sudden interest in Eden, she’s right to doubt his intentions—his reputation for being a player is as deep and never-ending as his pocket change. She tries keeping their relationship in the ‘just friends’ category, but Noa's good looks, charming attitude, and constant attention proves difficult to resist.
When Eden agrees to accompany him on a sailing trip to Maui, she finds herself jumping off cliffs (something she swore she would never do again), swimming with sharks, and braving a storm that threatens to sink their tiny sailboat. Eden falls hard for Noa and quickly discovers why his reputation is the talk of the town.
But it might not matter when something unexpected risks everything—including her life.
"Off the Edge" is a complete 94,000 word romance novel.
I spent five years as a tour guide in Hawaii gaining knowledge of the island, culture, and expectations of typical tourists. To find out more, please visit my website at www.erinapelu.com.
I look forward to hearing from you,
Erin Apelu
Sep 4, 2010
Query - The End Begins (4th Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Dear Editor/Agent,
The End Begins follows Rai coping as the only sorceress among a human population during a time of war. To private special interests, she offers herself as a mercenary to gain knowledge of the world around her so she can reunite with her father; lost in a dystopian United States.
For her latest assignment she must reach the Source of Sentient Free Will and protect it from the C.U.T. an invading enemy force taking control of alien technology as they conquer the country settlement by settlement.
But the population of non-human anomalies is growing and forces C.U.T. to go after the coveted Artifact ahead of their schedule. And they will take down anyone in their path to reign control over the population.
Against an army, aided by pockets of residential resistance, Rai must navigate dangerous territory while racing against C.U.T. for the sake not only of her own personal peace, but for the dying country whose life continues to be sucked dry.
The End Begins is a 120,000 word science fantasy story with sample chapters available upon request. Thank you for your consideration.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Dear Editor/Agent,
The End Begins follows Rai coping as the only sorceress among a human population during a time of war. To private special interests, she offers herself as a mercenary to gain knowledge of the world around her so she can reunite with her father; lost in a dystopian United States.
For her latest assignment she must reach the Source of Sentient Free Will and protect it from the C.U.T. an invading enemy force taking control of alien technology as they conquer the country settlement by settlement.
But the population of non-human anomalies is growing and forces C.U.T. to go after the coveted Artifact ahead of their schedule. And they will take down anyone in their path to reign control over the population.
Against an army, aided by pockets of residential resistance, Rai must navigate dangerous territory while racing against C.U.T. for the sake not only of her own personal peace, but for the dying country whose life continues to be sucked dry.
The End Begins is a 120,000 word science fantasy story with sample chapters available upon request. Thank you for your consideration.
QUERY- SHARDS OF THE GLASS SLIPPER
Dear AGENT,
Good morning! I was given your name by a colleague who thought you might be interested in a fantasy/fairy tale novel that I have been working on. Below please find an introduction to the story's plotline, along with some additional information about the novel.
In the aftermath of Happily Ever After, Cinderella has risen to the throne, although the once-innocent princess is now more wicked than her stepmother. She reigns over her kingdom with tyrannical abandon. A rebel band of fairy tale heroes, led by General Snow White and her dwarven resistance fighters, discovers Cinderella's power hungry plans to invade Alice's Wonderland. Time is running out as Snow White, Rapunzel, Goldilocks, and others mount a desperate attempt to stop Cinderella before her war destroys the kingdom and everything they hold dear. The rebels' only hope of success rests on the shoulders of a young girl named Patience Muffet. Patience carries the fabled shards of Cinderella's glass slippers, as well as the dark secret of who murdered the last of the fairy god mothers.
SHARDS OF THE GLASS SLIPPER, at about 114,000 words, is a quest-centered fairy tale adventure with strong female heroes, and should appeal to Young Adult fans that enjoy such popular fantasy series as "The Lord of the Rings" and "Harry Potter." Classic fairy tale characters are faithfully reinterpreted from their fabled origins and are woven into an ensemble cast with the benefit of pre-existing familiarity. It is no coincidence that Hollywood continues to draw from these stories, as evidenced by a multitude of Disney blockbusters, as well as the recent success of "Alice in Wonderland." In addition, although SHARDS OF THE GLASS SLIPPER is a stand-alone story with a satisfying resolution, it has great potential to be made into a series of books.
As a professional graphic artist, I have had the opportunity to build a significant fan base for this story. My award-winning artwork from SHARDS OF THE GLASS SLIPPER has been displayed at several fantasy convention art shows, including DragonCon, which was attended by more than 30,000 people in 2009. I have received enthusiastic feedback and great interest in this story while in attendance at these events and via the Internet.
Please let me know if you would like me to submit chapter samples, as well as a promotional kit that provides more information about the story and its
characters. You may also visit [WEBSITE NOT PROVIDED] for more information about
the story and the artwork.
Thank you very much for your time and consideration.
Good morning! I was given your name by a colleague who thought you might be interested in a fantasy/fairy tale novel that I have been working on. Below please find an introduction to the story's plotline, along with some additional information about the novel.
In the aftermath of Happily Ever After, Cinderella has risen to the throne, although the once-innocent princess is now more wicked than her stepmother. She reigns over her kingdom with tyrannical abandon. A rebel band of fairy tale heroes, led by General Snow White and her dwarven resistance fighters, discovers Cinderella's power hungry plans to invade Alice's Wonderland. Time is running out as Snow White, Rapunzel, Goldilocks, and others mount a desperate attempt to stop Cinderella before her war destroys the kingdom and everything they hold dear. The rebels' only hope of success rests on the shoulders of a young girl named Patience Muffet. Patience carries the fabled shards of Cinderella's glass slippers, as well as the dark secret of who murdered the last of the fairy god mothers.
SHARDS OF THE GLASS SLIPPER, at about 114,000 words, is a quest-centered fairy tale adventure with strong female heroes, and should appeal to Young Adult fans that enjoy such popular fantasy series as "The Lord of the Rings" and "Harry Potter." Classic fairy tale characters are faithfully reinterpreted from their fabled origins and are woven into an ensemble cast with the benefit of pre-existing familiarity. It is no coincidence that Hollywood continues to draw from these stories, as evidenced by a multitude of Disney blockbusters, as well as the recent success of "Alice in Wonderland." In addition, although SHARDS OF THE GLASS SLIPPER is a stand-alone story with a satisfying resolution, it has great potential to be made into a series of books.
As a professional graphic artist, I have had the opportunity to build a significant fan base for this story. My award-winning artwork from SHARDS OF THE GLASS SLIPPER has been displayed at several fantasy convention art shows, including DragonCon, which was attended by more than 30,000 people in 2009. I have received enthusiastic feedback and great interest in this story while in attendance at these events and via the Internet.
Please let me know if you would like me to submit chapter samples, as well as a promotional kit that provides more information about the story and its
characters. You may also visit [WEBSITE NOT PROVIDED] for more information about
the story and the artwork.
Thank you very much for your time and consideration.
Query - Penahligon's Attic
Dear Agent.
Molly Mackenzie is quite happy to be moving to Cornwall. She’s upset Gran died, of course; they were very close, and living in her home will be difficult to begin with. But Molly likes the little town of Helston, she likes her school, her new friends, and she particularly likes her part-time job in Gran’s bookshop.
What she doesn’t like, is discovering the ghost of a sixteen year old girl has been prowling the attic for over 350 years. According to local lore, Amy Trevellick had been murdered over an illicit affair by her brother, Sebastian. Now she haunts what used to be the town jail, where Sebastian had spent his last hours before being hanged for the crime.
Sebastian himself haunts the inn where Amy died, and when Molly’s friend – keen to help her investigate – ventures too close, Sebastian mistakes him for the reborn spirit of the man who had caused the deadly confrontation there.
Unless Molly can unite the two ghosts and uncover the truth of what happened the night Amy died, Sebastian’s need for revenge will drive him across the thin divide between the territories of the dead and the living, and more innocents will die.
In her search for a way to save her friend, Molly finds Granny Ally’s diaries, filled with the ramblings of a woman generally dismissed as likeable but eccentric. But they prove Gran to have been far more in tune with her world than her indulgent but sceptical family had ever imagined.
PENHALIGON’S ATTIC, a paranormal tale for young adults, is complete at 70,000 words.
Many thanks for your time.
Molly Mackenzie is quite happy to be moving to Cornwall. She’s upset Gran died, of course; they were very close, and living in her home will be difficult to begin with. But Molly likes the little town of Helston, she likes her school, her new friends, and she particularly likes her part-time job in Gran’s bookshop.
What she doesn’t like, is discovering the ghost of a sixteen year old girl has been prowling the attic for over 350 years. According to local lore, Amy Trevellick had been murdered over an illicit affair by her brother, Sebastian. Now she haunts what used to be the town jail, where Sebastian had spent his last hours before being hanged for the crime.
Sebastian himself haunts the inn where Amy died, and when Molly’s friend – keen to help her investigate – ventures too close, Sebastian mistakes him for the reborn spirit of the man who had caused the deadly confrontation there.
Unless Molly can unite the two ghosts and uncover the truth of what happened the night Amy died, Sebastian’s need for revenge will drive him across the thin divide between the territories of the dead and the living, and more innocents will die.
In her search for a way to save her friend, Molly finds Granny Ally’s diaries, filled with the ramblings of a woman generally dismissed as likeable but eccentric. But they prove Gran to have been far more in tune with her world than her indulgent but sceptical family had ever imagined.
PENHALIGON’S ATTIC, a paranormal tale for young adults, is complete at 70,000 words.
Many thanks for your time.
Sep 3, 2010
Query- Tainted Legacy (2nd Revision.)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Many thanks to all who've helped out with this, I hope I've taken in account all the great advice. And thanks, Rick, for providing this amazing service, it's wonderful!
Dear _______
All Lizzy Parker wants is to do a good job, and as scullery maid for the Creswells she works hard and learns quickly. But when a priceless Creswell heirloom goes missing and all the evidence points towards her, who’s going to care whether or not she scrubs a good bedpan?
Lizzy finds herself in the dock for the theft, and her only alibi hangs on the word of Jack Buchanan; a regular visitor to the house and the subject of much below-stairs gossip – some even say he killed his best friend during their tour of duty in Africa.
Despite the rumours, Lizzy pins her hopes on the unspoken bond that has grown between them, hoping that will bring him to her rescue. But Jack lets her down and, with the evidence stacked against her, Lizzy is convicted and sentenced to five years in Holloway.
She is forced to put her trust in Jack once more when, shortly after her release, her sister is kidnapped in the belief Lizzy still has the diamond.
Aware he owes her, Jack agrees to help and as they work together to release Emily, Lizzy learns the truth about Jack and the secret war work that had kept him from giving evidence at her trial. She also learns that those rumours are true: he did kill his friend, he admits it. The choice Lizzy must make now, is whether she can trust him with her life.
Following your guidelines in the Writers’ and Artists’ Yearbook, I am pleased to enclose the synopsis and first three chapters of my 98,000 word historical novel TAINTED LEGACY, for your consideration.
I am currently writing a companion novella covering Lizzy’s time in prison, entitled The Stolen Years.
Many thanks for your time.
Click here to read the first revision.
Many thanks to all who've helped out with this, I hope I've taken in account all the great advice. And thanks, Rick, for providing this amazing service, it's wonderful!
Dear _______
All Lizzy Parker wants is to do a good job, and as scullery maid for the Creswells she works hard and learns quickly. But when a priceless Creswell heirloom goes missing and all the evidence points towards her, who’s going to care whether or not she scrubs a good bedpan?
Lizzy finds herself in the dock for the theft, and her only alibi hangs on the word of Jack Buchanan; a regular visitor to the house and the subject of much below-stairs gossip – some even say he killed his best friend during their tour of duty in Africa.
Despite the rumours, Lizzy pins her hopes on the unspoken bond that has grown between them, hoping that will bring him to her rescue. But Jack lets her down and, with the evidence stacked against her, Lizzy is convicted and sentenced to five years in Holloway.
She is forced to put her trust in Jack once more when, shortly after her release, her sister is kidnapped in the belief Lizzy still has the diamond.
Aware he owes her, Jack agrees to help and as they work together to release Emily, Lizzy learns the truth about Jack and the secret war work that had kept him from giving evidence at her trial. She also learns that those rumours are true: he did kill his friend, he admits it. The choice Lizzy must make now, is whether she can trust him with her life.
Following your guidelines in the Writers’ and Artists’ Yearbook, I am pleased to enclose the synopsis and first three chapters of my 98,000 word historical novel TAINTED LEGACY, for your consideration.
I am currently writing a companion novella covering Lizzy’s time in prison, entitled The Stolen Years.
Many thanks for your time.
Query: BOUND
Dear (NAME)
Private investigator, Grant Stevens, has been watching Morana Lewis her entire life. When the daughter of his long time acquaintance turns up brutally murdered he’s called in to track down the killer. Morana tops the list of suspects because she’s like Grant, half vampire, only she doesn’t know it.
Grant eliminates Morana as a suspect, and finds she’s started the transition that will bring her vampire traits out. He’s been waiting for the day to no longer be alone in limbo between two species and to gain freedom from the vampire council, but both come with a price—Morana. And he’s fallen in love with her.
Determined to stop the murders rocking Seattle’s shoreline and keep Morana from transitioning, Grant’s focus is split. The body count continues to grow and he loses Morana to a vampire. Grant knows the vampire will force Morana through the transition, but he doesn’t know the vampire intends to seal the blood bond with her.
That’s just one of the many things Grant doesn’t know.
As he closes in on the killer, pieces to a puzzle he didn’t know existed fall into place. As they do, Grant’s world tips upside down. He’s forced to do two things he never thought himself capable of: kill a friend and make an alliance with a vampire, all to protect a woman he can never have; a woman that if allowed to fulfill her purpose for existing, will bring about the decimation of humans and vampires alike.
I am unpublished and seeking representation for BOUND, an 87,000-word adult urban fantasy novel about murder and evolution.
Thank you for your consideration,
(NAME)
Private investigator, Grant Stevens, has been watching Morana Lewis her entire life. When the daughter of his long time acquaintance turns up brutally murdered he’s called in to track down the killer. Morana tops the list of suspects because she’s like Grant, half vampire, only she doesn’t know it.
Grant eliminates Morana as a suspect, and finds she’s started the transition that will bring her vampire traits out. He’s been waiting for the day to no longer be alone in limbo between two species and to gain freedom from the vampire council, but both come with a price—Morana. And he’s fallen in love with her.
Determined to stop the murders rocking Seattle’s shoreline and keep Morana from transitioning, Grant’s focus is split. The body count continues to grow and he loses Morana to a vampire. Grant knows the vampire will force Morana through the transition, but he doesn’t know the vampire intends to seal the blood bond with her.
That’s just one of the many things Grant doesn’t know.
As he closes in on the killer, pieces to a puzzle he didn’t know existed fall into place. As they do, Grant’s world tips upside down. He’s forced to do two things he never thought himself capable of: kill a friend and make an alliance with a vampire, all to protect a woman he can never have; a woman that if allowed to fulfill her purpose for existing, will bring about the decimation of humans and vampires alike.
I am unpublished and seeking representation for BOUND, an 87,000-word adult urban fantasy novel about murder and evolution.
Thank you for your consideration,
(NAME)
Query- "Off the Edge" (1st Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear (Agent):
Nineteen-year-old Eden Anderson is beautiful, popular, and unlucky in love. When Eden’s parents send her to live with her cousin, Claire, for the summer on the North Shore of Hawaii, the last thing she wants is to think about boys. She's determined to spend the summer on the beach, healing her heart and getting a tan.
So, when a charming playboy named Noa takes a sudden interest in Eden, she’s right to doubt his intentions—his reputation for being a player is as deep and never-ending as his pocket change. She tries her best to keep their relationship in the ‘just friends’ category, but Noa's good looks, charming attitude, and constant attention proves difficult to resist.
But it might not matter when an unexpected accident risks everything--including her life.
"Off the Edge" is a complete 96,000 word young adult novel.
I spent five years as a tour-guide in Hawaii gaining knowledge of the island and culture and expectations of typical tourists. To find out more, please visit my website at www.erinapelu.com.
I look forward to hearing from you,
Erin Apelu
Dear (Agent):
Nineteen-year-old Eden Anderson is beautiful, popular, and unlucky in love. When Eden’s parents send her to live with her cousin, Claire, for the summer on the North Shore of Hawaii, the last thing she wants is to think about boys. She's determined to spend the summer on the beach, healing her heart and getting a tan.
So, when a charming playboy named Noa takes a sudden interest in Eden, she’s right to doubt his intentions—his reputation for being a player is as deep and never-ending as his pocket change. She tries her best to keep their relationship in the ‘just friends’ category, but Noa's good looks, charming attitude, and constant attention proves difficult to resist.
But it might not matter when an unexpected accident risks everything--including her life.
"Off the Edge" is a complete 96,000 word young adult novel.
I spent five years as a tour-guide in Hawaii gaining knowledge of the island and culture and expectations of typical tourists. To find out more, please visit my website at www.erinapelu.com.
I look forward to hearing from you,
Erin Apelu
Query: Dead Spell (Revision 1)
Click here to read the original query.
Brea Miller is struggling with the social lines of small town Reston High School. She is coping with the tragic loss of her father. Her mother's in major denial. And Harmony Wolcott, her troubled best friend and one person she can talk to, is spiraling out of control.
When Harmony dies, Brea feels guilty about the fight that defined their last days as friends. She inherits Harmony's Ouija board and faces her fear of the supernatural to use it, hoping to apologize and to find out why she committed suicide.
Brea's disapproving mother destroys the board but Harmony has a message to deliver and keeping her away from Brea has never been easy. Harmony's spirit has already used the Ouija to possess Brea and now that the board is gone, she has no choice but to inhabit her until she's delivered it. Brea begins having nightmares of a broken down house in the woods--a house that exists in real life--and undergoes drastic physical and emotional changes that catch the attention of Adam, Harmony's former boyfriend.
Brea goes from reclusive to reckless, breaking down barriers at school and at home by asserting herself in a way only Harmony knew how. She is torn between living life as Brea or as Harmony and between the boys in each of their lives. As she investigates the house’s dark history and its tie to Harmony, she finds love and pain, acceptance and grief, and a way to help mother move on. Thrown headlong into Harmony's fast-lane life, Brea searches for closure and realizes that even best friends have secrets.
Dead Spell is a paranormal young adult novel complete at 55,000 words.
Brea Miller is struggling with the social lines of small town Reston High School. She is coping with the tragic loss of her father. Her mother's in major denial. And Harmony Wolcott, her troubled best friend and one person she can talk to, is spiraling out of control.
When Harmony dies, Brea feels guilty about the fight that defined their last days as friends. She inherits Harmony's Ouija board and faces her fear of the supernatural to use it, hoping to apologize and to find out why she committed suicide.
Brea's disapproving mother destroys the board but Harmony has a message to deliver and keeping her away from Brea has never been easy. Harmony's spirit has already used the Ouija to possess Brea and now that the board is gone, she has no choice but to inhabit her until she's delivered it. Brea begins having nightmares of a broken down house in the woods--a house that exists in real life--and undergoes drastic physical and emotional changes that catch the attention of Adam, Harmony's former boyfriend.
Brea goes from reclusive to reckless, breaking down barriers at school and at home by asserting herself in a way only Harmony knew how. She is torn between living life as Brea or as Harmony and between the boys in each of their lives. As she investigates the house’s dark history and its tie to Harmony, she finds love and pain, acceptance and grief, and a way to help mother move on. Thrown headlong into Harmony's fast-lane life, Brea searches for closure and realizes that even best friends have secrets.
Dead Spell is a paranormal young adult novel complete at 55,000 words.
Query- Sub Rosa (Second Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
(Thanks to everyone who has critiqued my previous queries. Your advice has been constructive and supportive, and I hope to do you all proud with this effort! So, in the interests of keeping it short and sweet, here goes...)
The dinner party didn’t turn out the way Aemilius Valerius expected. He didn’t expect a place at the main table. He didn’t expect to drink that much. He didn’t expect to hook up with one of the scarier dancers. And he certainly didn’t expect to trip over the bloody corpse of his host on the floor of the informal dining room.
One man’s grisly murder is another man’s opportunity. Valerius teams up with the investigator, a plebeian with a chip on his shoulder, to discover the killer. Mad Uncle Maro promised it would be a smart career move, but that was before a second senator turned up dead. Now everything points towards a corrupt legion, an imperial assassin, and the emperor Nero’s mother. It might have been smarter to accept that honorary priesthood, stupid hat or not.
Sub Rosa, a historical mystery, is complete at 129 000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Jennifer Burke
Click here to read the first revision.
(Thanks to everyone who has critiqued my previous queries. Your advice has been constructive and supportive, and I hope to do you all proud with this effort! So, in the interests of keeping it short and sweet, here goes...)
The dinner party didn’t turn out the way Aemilius Valerius expected. He didn’t expect a place at the main table. He didn’t expect to drink that much. He didn’t expect to hook up with one of the scarier dancers. And he certainly didn’t expect to trip over the bloody corpse of his host on the floor of the informal dining room.
One man’s grisly murder is another man’s opportunity. Valerius teams up with the investigator, a plebeian with a chip on his shoulder, to discover the killer. Mad Uncle Maro promised it would be a smart career move, but that was before a second senator turned up dead. Now everything points towards a corrupt legion, an imperial assassin, and the emperor Nero’s mother. It might have been smarter to accept that honorary priesthood, stupid hat or not.
Sub Rosa, a historical mystery, is complete at 129 000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Jennifer Burke
Sep 2, 2010
Off the Edge Query
Dear (Agent):
Nineteen-year-old Eden Anderson is beautiful, popular, and well endowed. Her adventurous personality and perfect figure makes her the envy of many girls from her small town in Idaho. But Eden is unexpectedly single and always leery of attention from the opposite sex after enduring a life-time of unwanted eyeball body scans and inappropriate comments. After finding the “man of her dreams,” she is dumped and discarded like yesterday’s paper when she won’t take their relationship to the next step—physically.
When Eden’s parents send her to live with her cousin, Claire, for the summer on the North Shore of Hawaii, the last thing she wants is to think about the male species. But Claire puts “Operation Eden” into play from day one, and tries setting her up with beach-volleyball-surfers hoping her cousin will find someone like her own Adonis-like boyfriend. Eden has no intention of indulging her cousin’s desires and only wants to relax on the beach while preparing her brain to start college in the fall.
Everything changes when Eden meets Noa, the mysterious playboy back from college and the one boy who can never be hers. She’s determined to have him, but only in her fantasy—the safest place for her beaten-down heart. When the charming Noa takes a sudden interest in Eden, she’s right to doubt his intentions—his reputation for being a "player" is as deep and never-ending as his pocket change, and she’s not willing to take that train again. Not to mention his “supposed” lunatic ex-girlfriend is stalking her. She tries her best to keep their relationship in the ‘just friends’ category, but Noa's good looks, charming attitude, and constant attention proves this a difficult task. When Eden agrees to accompany him on a sailing trip to Maui, she finds herself jumping off cliffs (something she swore she would never do again), swimming with sharks, and braving a storm that threatens to sink their tiny sailboat. Eden falls hard for the charming playboy, but it might not matter when an unexpected accident will most surely take everything away, including her life.
Eden’s summer adventure in Hawaii starts as a journey of escape, but follows deeper paths of real love and self-discovery. Come join Eden as she spends an adventurous summer in Paradise discovering if taking the leap of love is worth the risk. Told in Eden’s distinctive voice, at turns sarcastic and sensitive, “Off the Edge” is a complete 96,000 word young adult novel.
I spent five years as a tour-guide in Hawaii gaining knowledge of the island, culture, and expectations of typical tourists. Based on my real-life adventures while attending Brigham Young University Hawaii on the North Shore of Oahu, “Off the Edge” brings to life the everyday insecurities that young adults face with heartbreak, love, and lose.
Nineteen-year-old Eden Anderson is beautiful, popular, and well endowed. Her adventurous personality and perfect figure makes her the envy of many girls from her small town in Idaho. But Eden is unexpectedly single and always leery of attention from the opposite sex after enduring a life-time of unwanted eyeball body scans and inappropriate comments. After finding the “man of her dreams,” she is dumped and discarded like yesterday’s paper when she won’t take their relationship to the next step—physically.
When Eden’s parents send her to live with her cousin, Claire, for the summer on the North Shore of Hawaii, the last thing she wants is to think about the male species. But Claire puts “Operation Eden” into play from day one, and tries setting her up with beach-volleyball-surfers hoping her cousin will find someone like her own Adonis-like boyfriend. Eden has no intention of indulging her cousin’s desires and only wants to relax on the beach while preparing her brain to start college in the fall.
Everything changes when Eden meets Noa, the mysterious playboy back from college and the one boy who can never be hers. She’s determined to have him, but only in her fantasy—the safest place for her beaten-down heart. When the charming Noa takes a sudden interest in Eden, she’s right to doubt his intentions—his reputation for being a "player" is as deep and never-ending as his pocket change, and she’s not willing to take that train again. Not to mention his “supposed” lunatic ex-girlfriend is stalking her. She tries her best to keep their relationship in the ‘just friends’ category, but Noa's good looks, charming attitude, and constant attention proves this a difficult task. When Eden agrees to accompany him on a sailing trip to Maui, she finds herself jumping off cliffs (something she swore she would never do again), swimming with sharks, and braving a storm that threatens to sink their tiny sailboat. Eden falls hard for the charming playboy, but it might not matter when an unexpected accident will most surely take everything away, including her life.
Eden’s summer adventure in Hawaii starts as a journey of escape, but follows deeper paths of real love and self-discovery. Come join Eden as she spends an adventurous summer in Paradise discovering if taking the leap of love is worth the risk. Told in Eden’s distinctive voice, at turns sarcastic and sensitive, “Off the Edge” is a complete 96,000 word young adult novel.
I spent five years as a tour-guide in Hawaii gaining knowledge of the island, culture, and expectations of typical tourists. Based on my real-life adventures while attending Brigham Young University Hawaii on the North Shore of Oahu, “Off the Edge” brings to life the everyday insecurities that young adults face with heartbreak, love, and lose.
Query: Dead Spell
Brea Miller is straddling the social lines of small town Reston High School. On one hand, she’s caught the attention of one of its most popular boys and will have to take on an “elite” to get him. On the other, being one of the “in crowd” means betraying Harmony Wolcott, her outcast best friend of ten years whose never-ending criminal behavior has her in more trouble than out.
She is coping with the tragic loss of her Army sergeant father. Her mother's in major denial. And Harmony, the one person she can talk to, is out of control.
When Harmony dies, Brea feels guilty about the fight that defined their last days as friends. She inherits Harmony's Ouija board and faces her fear of the supernatural hoping to apologize and to find out why she committed suicide.
In short time, Brea's disapproving mother destroys the board leaving Brea possessed of Harmony's spirit. She begins having nightmares of a broken down house in the woods--a house that exists in real life--and undergoes drastic physical and emotional changes that catch the attention of Adam, Harmony's former boyfriend.
Brea goes from reclusive to reckless, breaking down barriers at school and at home by asserting herself in a way only Harmony knew how. She is torn between the good and bad boys and between living life as Brea or as Harmony. She investigates the house and its dark Wolcott history finding love and pain, acceptance and grief, and a way to help mother move on. As she experiences Harmony's fast-lane life and searches for closure, she realizes even best friends have secrets.
Dead Spell is a paranormal young adult novel complete at 55,000 words.
She is coping with the tragic loss of her Army sergeant father. Her mother's in major denial. And Harmony, the one person she can talk to, is out of control.
When Harmony dies, Brea feels guilty about the fight that defined their last days as friends. She inherits Harmony's Ouija board and faces her fear of the supernatural hoping to apologize and to find out why she committed suicide.
In short time, Brea's disapproving mother destroys the board leaving Brea possessed of Harmony's spirit. She begins having nightmares of a broken down house in the woods--a house that exists in real life--and undergoes drastic physical and emotional changes that catch the attention of Adam, Harmony's former boyfriend.
Brea goes from reclusive to reckless, breaking down barriers at school and at home by asserting herself in a way only Harmony knew how. She is torn between the good and bad boys and between living life as Brea or as Harmony. She investigates the house and its dark Wolcott history finding love and pain, acceptance and grief, and a way to help mother move on. As she experiences Harmony's fast-lane life and searches for closure, she realizes even best friends have secrets.
Dead Spell is a paranormal young adult novel complete at 55,000 words.
A Note on Submissions
Hey all,
Traffic on the site has been pretty high recently, and I'm busy in the day job and family life, so I want to let you know how I'm currently managing submissions.
I try to run through the submissions in the morning. They go great with coffee. I set up the posts for the day based on what's in queue by 7:00 am EST. [NOTE: That time may change or disappear altogether on any given day.]
I stagger the posts so each one gets 2-3 hours at the top of the list. I try to space them out as evenly as possible, but I don't schedule any to post in the wee hours of the morning (EST). I know there are followers in the UK and down under, maybe if the submission volume goes up I'll post round-the-clock so you can get updates in the daytime. Heck with your day jobs. You need the distraction.
I delete submissions from the submission comment thread when I prepare the posts. Except sometimes I forget to delete them. Or I forget to post them. Or blogger gives me an error. But to date, I am not aware of a situation where I deleted an entry and didn't post it. However, I probably just set the stage for the very thing to happen. Sorry to whomever it might affect. [NOTE TO GRAMMAR NERDS: I'm pretty sure that's the proper use of affect vs. effect. Also who vs. whom. If not, let me know in the comments. I don't have time to look it up right now.]
That's all for now. I have to line some queries up for the day.
Rick
Traffic on the site has been pretty high recently, and I'm busy in the day job and family life, so I want to let you know how I'm currently managing submissions.
I try to run through the submissions in the morning. They go great with coffee. I set up the posts for the day based on what's in queue by 7:00 am EST. [NOTE: That time may change or disappear altogether on any given day.]
I stagger the posts so each one gets 2-3 hours at the top of the list. I try to space them out as evenly as possible, but I don't schedule any to post in the wee hours of the morning (EST). I know there are followers in the UK and down under, maybe if the submission volume goes up I'll post round-the-clock so you can get updates in the daytime. Heck with your day jobs. You need the distraction.
I delete submissions from the submission comment thread when I prepare the posts. Except sometimes I forget to delete them. Or I forget to post them. Or blogger gives me an error. But to date, I am not aware of a situation where I deleted an entry and didn't post it. However, I probably just set the stage for the very thing to happen. Sorry to whomever it might affect. [NOTE TO GRAMMAR NERDS: I'm pretty sure that's the proper use of affect vs. effect. Also who vs. whom. If not, let me know in the comments. I don't have time to look it up right now.]
That's all for now. I have to line some queries up for the day.
Rick
Sep 1, 2010
Query - Live Action Pick-Up
Okay, y'all can have a chance to punch me back now. The destination-specific bit at the bottom is for the first place I intend to ask, Carina Press. They DO publish stories this length, so yeah, it's okay that it's not a novel.
Devan is only good at two things: martial arts and fantasy gaming. He's learned the hard way that he's not what women in their twenties want. When he meets a girl at a gaming convention, he's glad he's wearing a ninja costume so she can't see his face. He agrees to play linked characters in a live-action roleplaying game because she let him budge in line and it's too hard for an introvert to say no.
The longer he plays with her, though, the more he's impressed by her enthusiasm for the games they both love. All he knows about her is what he can tell from her costume and what leaks through the character she's playing. She knows how to wear heels. She loves the same books he loves. She's a good actress. In other words, she's out of his league. He thinks only chance is to impress her by playing the game well. That means using his luck with dice and his eye for intrigue to defeat the aliens and solve the murder mystery--without letting what he knows out-of-character influence what he knows in-character.
Live Action Pick-Up is a 19,000-word love story without explicit sexual content. I'm excited about the way Carina is opening up established publishing and strong editorial support to online markets that can offer readers stories too long for anthologies and too short for print on their own. The personal tidbits about the process that I see on Twitter and Facebook always impress me with both the commitment to quality I expect from professionals and the warmth that makes reading and selling romance so rewarding.
Sincerely,
Zee Lemke
Devan is only good at two things: martial arts and fantasy gaming. He's learned the hard way that he's not what women in their twenties want. When he meets a girl at a gaming convention, he's glad he's wearing a ninja costume so she can't see his face. He agrees to play linked characters in a live-action roleplaying game because she let him budge in line and it's too hard for an introvert to say no.
The longer he plays with her, though, the more he's impressed by her enthusiasm for the games they both love. All he knows about her is what he can tell from her costume and what leaks through the character she's playing. She knows how to wear heels. She loves the same books he loves. She's a good actress. In other words, she's out of his league. He thinks only chance is to impress her by playing the game well. That means using his luck with dice and his eye for intrigue to defeat the aliens and solve the murder mystery--without letting what he knows out-of-character influence what he knows in-character.
Live Action Pick-Up is a 19,000-word love story without explicit sexual content. I'm excited about the way Carina is opening up established publishing and strong editorial support to online markets that can offer readers stories too long for anthologies and too short for print on their own. The personal tidbits about the process that I see on Twitter and Facebook always impress me with both the commitment to quality I expect from professionals and the warmth that makes reading and selling romance so rewarding.
Sincerely,
Zee Lemke
Query - Tainted Legacy (1st Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear (named agent)
It’s 1912 and Lizzy Parker’s first day as a scullery maid at the Cheshire home of the Creswell Family is suitably inauspicious: before she even sets foot in the house she manages to make an enemy of ambitious kitchen maid, Ruth. And, as time will show, Ruth is a dangerous enemy to have.
Lizzy’s talent for minor trouble soon overtakes her ability to control it, and in a frightening step into deeper waters she finds herself in the dock for a crime she did not commit: the theft of a priceless diamond necklace belonging to the Creswells.
With Ruth only too keen to see her sent down, Lizzy’s only alibi hangs on the word of Creswell family friend, Jack Buchanan, and the below-stairs rumours about him are frightening to say the least – one such story declares him to have killed his best friend during their tour of duty in Africa.
But for his own shadowy reasons, Jack has disappeared and Lizzy is convicted of the theft and sentenced to five years in Holloway Prison.
Shortly after her release her sister is kidnapped – the kidnappers believing Lizzy to be in possession of the diamond and demanding its return. Having no other option, she tracks down Jack and calls in the debt, and he agrees to help her find Emily and the diamond.
Then she finds out those stories about Jack are true. The death of his friend in Africa was no accident; Jack admits he’d pulled the trigger himself.
Already in love with him, Lizzy has to make a choice: trust her instincts, or assume he knows more about the theft of the diamond, and the kidnap, than he is giving away. Either way, she and Emily are now in the hands of an extremely dangerous man.
Following your guidelines in the Writers’ and Artists’ Yearbook, I am pleased to enclose the synopsis and first three chapters of my 98,000 word historical novel TAINTED LEGACY, for your consideration.
Many thanks for your time and consideration.
Dear (named agent)
It’s 1912 and Lizzy Parker’s first day as a scullery maid at the Cheshire home of the Creswell Family is suitably inauspicious: before she even sets foot in the house she manages to make an enemy of ambitious kitchen maid, Ruth. And, as time will show, Ruth is a dangerous enemy to have.
Lizzy’s talent for minor trouble soon overtakes her ability to control it, and in a frightening step into deeper waters she finds herself in the dock for a crime she did not commit: the theft of a priceless diamond necklace belonging to the Creswells.
With Ruth only too keen to see her sent down, Lizzy’s only alibi hangs on the word of Creswell family friend, Jack Buchanan, and the below-stairs rumours about him are frightening to say the least – one such story declares him to have killed his best friend during their tour of duty in Africa.
But for his own shadowy reasons, Jack has disappeared and Lizzy is convicted of the theft and sentenced to five years in Holloway Prison.
Shortly after her release her sister is kidnapped – the kidnappers believing Lizzy to be in possession of the diamond and demanding its return. Having no other option, she tracks down Jack and calls in the debt, and he agrees to help her find Emily and the diamond.
Then she finds out those stories about Jack are true. The death of his friend in Africa was no accident; Jack admits he’d pulled the trigger himself.
Already in love with him, Lizzy has to make a choice: trust her instincts, or assume he knows more about the theft of the diamond, and the kidnap, than he is giving away. Either way, she and Emily are now in the hands of an extremely dangerous man.
Following your guidelines in the Writers’ and Artists’ Yearbook, I am pleased to enclose the synopsis and first three chapters of my 98,000 word historical novel TAINTED LEGACY, for your consideration.
Many thanks for your time and consideration.
QUERY - SUB ROSA (First Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
The dinner party didn’t turn out the way Aemilius Valerius expected. He didn’t expect a place at the main table. He didn’t expect to drink that much. He didn’t expect to hook up with one of the scarier dancers. And he certainly didn’t expect to trip over the bloody corpse of his host on the floor of the informal dining room.
Rome, 58 AD. Valerius is back from the army. He is young, wealthy and has a pedigree stretching back to the founding of Rome, but unless he can get a job offer soon he’ll never have the career expected of a man of his rank.
One man’s grisly murder, it turns out, is another man’s opportunity. Valerius finds himself working with the investigator Atreus, a plebeian with a chip on his shoulder, to discover the killer. Mad Uncle Maro promised it would be a smart career move, but that was before a second senator turned up dead. Now everything points towards a corrupt legion, an imperial assassin, and the emperor Nero’s mother Agrippina. It might have been smarter to accept that honorary priesthood, stupid hat or not.
There are the added complications of an ex-brother-in-law who fell on his sword, a slum gangster who wants Atreus dead, political pressures, class divisions, and Valerius’ ongoing domestic hassles with his wife, sister, stepdaughter and assorted slaves.
Sub Rosa, a historical mystery, is complete at 129 000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
The dinner party didn’t turn out the way Aemilius Valerius expected. He didn’t expect a place at the main table. He didn’t expect to drink that much. He didn’t expect to hook up with one of the scarier dancers. And he certainly didn’t expect to trip over the bloody corpse of his host on the floor of the informal dining room.
Rome, 58 AD. Valerius is back from the army. He is young, wealthy and has a pedigree stretching back to the founding of Rome, but unless he can get a job offer soon he’ll never have the career expected of a man of his rank.
One man’s grisly murder, it turns out, is another man’s opportunity. Valerius finds himself working with the investigator Atreus, a plebeian with a chip on his shoulder, to discover the killer. Mad Uncle Maro promised it would be a smart career move, but that was before a second senator turned up dead. Now everything points towards a corrupt legion, an imperial assassin, and the emperor Nero’s mother Agrippina. It might have been smarter to accept that honorary priesthood, stupid hat or not.
There are the added complications of an ex-brother-in-law who fell on his sword, a slum gangster who wants Atreus dead, political pressures, class divisions, and Valerius’ ongoing domestic hassles with his wife, sister, stepdaughter and assorted slaves.
Sub Rosa, a historical mystery, is complete at 129 000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
The Crystor (1st Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent:
Seventeen-year-old Kira Edwards can deal with her friend, Lydia, having two spirits—one of whom hates her—but when she finds out Lydia’s brother wants to eat her, well, that’s just not acceptable.
When Lydia is severely injured, Kira chooses to accept the Crystor, a magical healing charm that not only gives her the power to heal Lydia, but enhances Kira’s natural ability to sense danger. Good thing, because Lydia’s brother, Octavion, is the victim of an ancient curse that gives him the heart of a wild cat and if he can’t control his primal instincts, Kira may be his next victim. But Kira can see through his tough exterior and has a plan. If she can find a way to tame the beast raging within him, he might let her into his heart. If not, she’ll pay the ultimate price.
THE CRYSTOR is a YA paranormal romance at 103,000 words that has the potential to cross over into the New Adult market. It will appeal to the same audience as Shiver and Graceling.
The completed manuscript is available for your review.
Sincerely,
Dear Agent:
Seventeen-year-old Kira Edwards can deal with her friend, Lydia, having two spirits—one of whom hates her—but when she finds out Lydia’s brother wants to eat her, well, that’s just not acceptable.
When Lydia is severely injured, Kira chooses to accept the Crystor, a magical healing charm that not only gives her the power to heal Lydia, but enhances Kira’s natural ability to sense danger. Good thing, because Lydia’s brother, Octavion, is the victim of an ancient curse that gives him the heart of a wild cat and if he can’t control his primal instincts, Kira may be his next victim. But Kira can see through his tough exterior and has a plan. If she can find a way to tame the beast raging within him, he might let her into his heart. If not, she’ll pay the ultimate price.
THE CRYSTOR is a YA paranormal romance at 103,000 words that has the potential to cross over into the New Adult market. It will appeal to the same audience as Shiver and Graceling.
The completed manuscript is available for your review.
Sincerely,
QUERY- GREEN-EYED MONSTER, 1st Revision
Click here to read the original query.
Dear AGENT NAME,
After PERSONAL TIDBIT, I believe my 80,000 word urban fantasy novel, GREEN-EYED MONSTER, may be a good fit for your representation.
Rookie detective Lucy Santone measures everything with the black and white rulebook of the Detroit Metro Police Department. Since tangling with a homicidal carjacker, she also sees demons crawling on suspects, a halo above the cleaning lady, and a stalker-angel who claims to be her Guardian. Denial’s easy until the delusions try to kill her.
During an arson investigation, Lucy uncovers the involvement of Levi Johanneson, the director of an NPO that renovates dilapidated houses. It’s all from the goodness of his shriveled heart until the contract comes due: one soul, a bit singed. Caveat emptor takes on new meaning when dealing with the agents of Good and Evil.
But Levi's not the only player in town. Another demon is vying for control over the broken souls of Detroit. Combined they have too many minions, too much power. She refuses to back down, but Lucy is in over her not-so-delusional head.
When each demon offers her an alliance, she is forced to make a choice: the citizens she swore to protect, or her own ticket to the pearly gates. Suddenly the rulebook looks a little gray.
GREEN-EYED MONSTER is a fantastical twist on detective fiction, researched through interviews with police/arson experts. I have a synopsis for a potential sequel.
The first five pages are included below. Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Mesmerix @ Scribbler to Scribe
http://mesmerix.blogspot.com/
Dear AGENT NAME,
After PERSONAL TIDBIT, I believe my 80,000 word urban fantasy novel, GREEN-EYED MONSTER, may be a good fit for your representation.
Rookie detective Lucy Santone measures everything with the black and white rulebook of the Detroit Metro Police Department. Since tangling with a homicidal carjacker, she also sees demons crawling on suspects, a halo above the cleaning lady, and a stalker-angel who claims to be her Guardian. Denial’s easy until the delusions try to kill her.
During an arson investigation, Lucy uncovers the involvement of Levi Johanneson, the director of an NPO that renovates dilapidated houses. It’s all from the goodness of his shriveled heart until the contract comes due: one soul, a bit singed. Caveat emptor takes on new meaning when dealing with the agents of Good and Evil.
But Levi's not the only player in town. Another demon is vying for control over the broken souls of Detroit. Combined they have too many minions, too much power. She refuses to back down, but Lucy is in over her not-so-delusional head.
When each demon offers her an alliance, she is forced to make a choice: the citizens she swore to protect, or her own ticket to the pearly gates. Suddenly the rulebook looks a little gray.
GREEN-EYED MONSTER is a fantastical twist on detective fiction, researched through interviews with police/arson experts. I have a synopsis for a potential sequel.
The first five pages are included below. Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Mesmerix @ Scribbler to Scribe
http://mesmerix.blogspot.com/
Aug 31, 2010
Query - The End Begins (3rd Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
The End Begins follows Rai coping as the only sorceress among a human population during a time of war. To private special interests, she offers herself as a mercenary to gain knowledge of her past and of the world around her so she can live some kind of life.
For her latest assignment she must protect the Source of Sentient Free Will. This remains unclaimed by the C.U.T. the invading enemy force who’s taking control of any ‘alien’ technology that come into the world.
But as the population of non-human anomalies grows, it forces C.U.T. to go after the coveted fruit, so to understand all the strange occurrences happening, and take down anyone in their path. Against an army, aided by pockets of residential resistance, she must navigate the dangerous territory while racing against C.U.T. to stop them from their ultimate conquest.
The End Begins is a 120,000 word science/fantasy story, with sample chapters available upon request. Thank you for your consideration.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
The End Begins follows Rai coping as the only sorceress among a human population during a time of war. To private special interests, she offers herself as a mercenary to gain knowledge of her past and of the world around her so she can live some kind of life.
For her latest assignment she must protect the Source of Sentient Free Will. This remains unclaimed by the C.U.T. the invading enemy force who’s taking control of any ‘alien’ technology that come into the world.
But as the population of non-human anomalies grows, it forces C.U.T. to go after the coveted fruit, so to understand all the strange occurrences happening, and take down anyone in their path. Against an army, aided by pockets of residential resistance, she must navigate the dangerous territory while racing against C.U.T. to stop them from their ultimate conquest.
The End Begins is a 120,000 word science/fantasy story, with sample chapters available upon request. Thank you for your consideration.
Query- The Tale of Lizzie Brogan and The Moon Goddess (second revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
It's another Monday and my third submission of "Lizzie."
The Tale of Lizzie Brogan and The Moon Goddess, is an 85,000 word, humorous, paranormal romance about a late bloomer who finally grows up with a little help from a ghost.
Lizzie, a woman who lives for status and adores fashion, travel and the good life, learns the night of her unexpected arrival in Brooklyn, she can no longer travel on a whim or charge her expenses to the family business.
While tending her family's five little row houses in Brooklyn, Lizzie meets the ghost of her Aunt Annie May, a bawdy, talented Broadway performer, whose portal to this life is a tramp steamer and an old wooden trunk from the Belasco Theatre.
Aunt Annie tells Lizzie she is a direct descendent of the Moon Goddess and ironically, she must also relinquish all material possessions in order to remove a family curse and help clear the way for the true magic of love.
I read about you on Chuck Sambuchino's Blog; A Guide To Literary Agents, and I believe my work will be of interest to you. Pasted to the bottom of this e-mail are the first ten pages of the book. Thank you for your consideration and time.
==============================
Excerpt:
Baptized Elizabeth Patricia Ann Brogan, my name is for both of my parents and my maternal Aunt Annie May. She was the wild one in the family and it is her blood, no doubt, that has caused all the ills of my life.
My Dad's reason for my behavior. "I'm telling you mother, it is the curse of Annie May come to visit upon us."
Of course, my Mother, Mary Elizabeth O'Connor Brogan, does not agree. "You'll not be calling me own baby sister a curse, Timothy Patrick Brogan."
It went deeper than Aunt Annie. It went back to the old days when they first came here and my mother had visions of pink and white ribbons and lace.
The Tale of Lizzie Brogan began when an anxious young couple, my parents, traveled three thousand miles from county Mayo, Ireland to settle in a strange land called Brooklyn. They worked hard and scraped all their pennies together to purchase a house. The same house and basement where I am currently trapped below ground. Two years later and a few more pennies down, they purchase another house, and so on until they own five.
The short version is: my father walks ten miles in the snow to find work. They wear nothing but tattered rags, eat dirt and are grateful to have it. They sacrifice so I can waste my time with loud music and boys. Today they are the poster kids for the successful immigrant; the boy with holes in his shoes becomes a millionaire.
Lizzie, mom and dad are rich. You on the other hand are poor.
That would be the heir apparent, Timothy Patrick Brogan II, born one year to the day of their marriage, currently a spry fifty-one.
Allow me to introduce the rest of the family.
Each of my other siblings come in short order in the next seven years. They are Michael Peter Brogan, eighteen months younger than Timothy, Moira Camille Brogan O'Malley, born two years later, and one year apart John Matthew and Eloise Mary Brogan Mulligan.
This is the Brogan family until my mother learns her premature menopause is myself in the pink. When I squirm into the world, the closest in age of my siblings, my sister Eloise, is fifteen and in high school.
Thus, I am the late onset, premenopausal accident of two middle-aged, Irish parents.
=============================
Thanks. Visit my blog:
http://ramblingsfromtheleft.wordpress.com/
Click here to read the first revision.
It's another Monday and my third submission of "Lizzie."
The Tale of Lizzie Brogan and The Moon Goddess, is an 85,000 word, humorous, paranormal romance about a late bloomer who finally grows up with a little help from a ghost.
Lizzie, a woman who lives for status and adores fashion, travel and the good life, learns the night of her unexpected arrival in Brooklyn, she can no longer travel on a whim or charge her expenses to the family business.
While tending her family's five little row houses in Brooklyn, Lizzie meets the ghost of her Aunt Annie May, a bawdy, talented Broadway performer, whose portal to this life is a tramp steamer and an old wooden trunk from the Belasco Theatre.
Aunt Annie tells Lizzie she is a direct descendent of the Moon Goddess and ironically, she must also relinquish all material possessions in order to remove a family curse and help clear the way for the true magic of love.
I read about you on Chuck Sambuchino's Blog; A Guide To Literary Agents, and I believe my work will be of interest to you. Pasted to the bottom of this e-mail are the first ten pages of the book. Thank you for your consideration and time.
==============================
Excerpt:
Baptized Elizabeth Patricia Ann Brogan, my name is for both of my parents and my maternal Aunt Annie May. She was the wild one in the family and it is her blood, no doubt, that has caused all the ills of my life.
My Dad's reason for my behavior. "I'm telling you mother, it is the curse of Annie May come to visit upon us."
Of course, my Mother, Mary Elizabeth O'Connor Brogan, does not agree. "You'll not be calling me own baby sister a curse, Timothy Patrick Brogan."
It went deeper than Aunt Annie. It went back to the old days when they first came here and my mother had visions of pink and white ribbons and lace.
The Tale of Lizzie Brogan began when an anxious young couple, my parents, traveled three thousand miles from county Mayo, Ireland to settle in a strange land called Brooklyn. They worked hard and scraped all their pennies together to purchase a house. The same house and basement where I am currently trapped below ground. Two years later and a few more pennies down, they purchase another house, and so on until they own five.
The short version is: my father walks ten miles in the snow to find work. They wear nothing but tattered rags, eat dirt and are grateful to have it. They sacrifice so I can waste my time with loud music and boys. Today they are the poster kids for the successful immigrant; the boy with holes in his shoes becomes a millionaire.
Lizzie, mom and dad are rich. You on the other hand are poor.
That would be the heir apparent, Timothy Patrick Brogan II, born one year to the day of their marriage, currently a spry fifty-one.
Allow me to introduce the rest of the family.
Each of my other siblings come in short order in the next seven years. They are Michael Peter Brogan, eighteen months younger than Timothy, Moira Camille Brogan O'Malley, born two years later, and one year apart John Matthew and Eloise Mary Brogan Mulligan.
This is the Brogan family until my mother learns her premature menopause is myself in the pink. When I squirm into the world, the closest in age of my siblings, my sister Eloise, is fifteen and in high school.
Thus, I am the late onset, premenopausal accident of two middle-aged, Irish parents.
=============================
Thanks. Visit my blog:
http://ramblingsfromtheleft.wordpress.com/
Aug 30, 2010
Query: The Frog Princes of Adelai
Dear Agent,
Risse cai Bricandor is a young noblewoman with a secret: she’s learning how to do magic, forbidden since the Great War nine hundred years ago. When she meets Prince Chyrian, who not only smells intriguingly like spice and salt but, unknowing, has potent personal magic, Risse throws herself into the politics of her country to machinate a union with him to access that magic.
But there are complications. First, Chyrian is from Sivar, the pariah country that incited the Great War. Risse’s family doesn’t want their eldest daughter to ally herself with a Sivarene, especially since Risse is the cousin and close friend of the heir to the throne, Princess Alysia. And Sivar has bigger plans for its prince than marrying a minor noble.
When Alysia is spirited away by her fairy godmother to “await her true love” (actually a form of protective custody) and the king is assassinated, Risse seizes the opportunity to become the new heir. With her new political power, she can gain control of Chyrian’s magic and reintroduce magic to the world. And Sivar even seems to help at first. But Risse learns that Sivar intends to take over Adelai, with her cooperation or without it. Alysia escapes her tower and wants her throne back. Risse’s magic becomes harder and harder to control. And to keep everything she’s gained, Risse must sacrifice Alysia, her family, and her country’s future—or she can give up everything she’s ever wanted to become the most hated person since the mages of the Great War.
The Frog Princes of Adelai is a fantasy novel complete at 109,000 words. This is my first novel.
Thank you for your time.
Risse cai Bricandor is a young noblewoman with a secret: she’s learning how to do magic, forbidden since the Great War nine hundred years ago. When she meets Prince Chyrian, who not only smells intriguingly like spice and salt but, unknowing, has potent personal magic, Risse throws herself into the politics of her country to machinate a union with him to access that magic.
But there are complications. First, Chyrian is from Sivar, the pariah country that incited the Great War. Risse’s family doesn’t want their eldest daughter to ally herself with a Sivarene, especially since Risse is the cousin and close friend of the heir to the throne, Princess Alysia. And Sivar has bigger plans for its prince than marrying a minor noble.
When Alysia is spirited away by her fairy godmother to “await her true love” (actually a form of protective custody) and the king is assassinated, Risse seizes the opportunity to become the new heir. With her new political power, she can gain control of Chyrian’s magic and reintroduce magic to the world. And Sivar even seems to help at first. But Risse learns that Sivar intends to take over Adelai, with her cooperation or without it. Alysia escapes her tower and wants her throne back. Risse’s magic becomes harder and harder to control. And to keep everything she’s gained, Risse must sacrifice Alysia, her family, and her country’s future—or she can give up everything she’s ever wanted to become the most hated person since the mages of the Great War.
The Frog Princes of Adelai is a fantasy novel complete at 109,000 words. This is my first novel.
Thank you for your time.
Query - Bond of Darkness (Final Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Thanks to all of the comments who have pushed me to an MC-driven query. I hope you all enjoy this last version.
When a voice in Valence's head warns him of a coming war, he ignores it. His ignorance only lasts until he realizes he's faced this adversary before--as a young boy when he killed a friend. The act cast him into exile from the Lunata and he's forced to live among the other races, all of which fear his kind.
Traveling through his homeland, Valence sees the spread of the Darkness. It infects, claims, and ultimately destroys its victims. While he flees the infection, its influence grows. Creatures hunt him, servants seek to destroy him and the conspiracy behind the Darkness grows larger than he thought possible.
As the Darkness' grip on the land tightens, Valence is determined to stop it. He must shed the stigma of his race, but more importantly, do so while he attempts to unify a nation against an enemy they cannot see.
BOND OF DARKNESS is an epic fantasy, complete at 115,000 words. It tells the traditional hero’s quest while introducing an enemy far from demon lords and omnipotent gods. I have been published in the Stockpot, an undergraduate literary journal and the Sentinel, a county-circulated newspaper. I am currently working on a sequel.
Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Justin W. Parente
Writing as J.W. Parente
Click here to read the first revision.
Thanks to all of the comments who have pushed me to an MC-driven query. I hope you all enjoy this last version.
When a voice in Valence's head warns him of a coming war, he ignores it. His ignorance only lasts until he realizes he's faced this adversary before--as a young boy when he killed a friend. The act cast him into exile from the Lunata and he's forced to live among the other races, all of which fear his kind.
Traveling through his homeland, Valence sees the spread of the Darkness. It infects, claims, and ultimately destroys its victims. While he flees the infection, its influence grows. Creatures hunt him, servants seek to destroy him and the conspiracy behind the Darkness grows larger than he thought possible.
As the Darkness' grip on the land tightens, Valence is determined to stop it. He must shed the stigma of his race, but more importantly, do so while he attempts to unify a nation against an enemy they cannot see.
BOND OF DARKNESS is an epic fantasy, complete at 115,000 words. It tells the traditional hero’s quest while introducing an enemy far from demon lords and omnipotent gods. I have been published in the Stockpot, an undergraduate literary journal and the Sentinel, a county-circulated newspaper. I am currently working on a sequel.
Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Justin W. Parente
Writing as J.W. Parente
Query - Tainted Legacy
Dear (named agent)
Following the guidelines found on your website, I enclose the synopsis and first 3 chapters of my historical novel TAINTED LEGACY for your consideration.
It's 1913, and domestic servant Lizzy Parker thinks she has hit rock bottom when she is imprisoned for a crime she did not commit, but on her release she discovers her troubles are far from over.
Her fragile, newly rebuilt life is shattered by the kidnapping of her younger sister, and Lizzy is forced to enlist the help of someone who has already let her down once; a man with his own long-held secrets.
When Lizzy then discovers those secrets are even darker than she’d imagined, she has very little time to decide whether or not she can trust him. Either way, her decision will make the difference between life and death for more than one person.
Tainted Legacy is complete at 98,000 words, and I believe it will appeal to those who enjoy master-servant stories with an edge, such as Julian Fellowes’s Gosford Park, and his forthcoming ITV drama: Downton Abbey.
Following the guidelines found on your website, I enclose the synopsis and first 3 chapters of my historical novel TAINTED LEGACY for your consideration.
It's 1913, and domestic servant Lizzy Parker thinks she has hit rock bottom when she is imprisoned for a crime she did not commit, but on her release she discovers her troubles are far from over.
Her fragile, newly rebuilt life is shattered by the kidnapping of her younger sister, and Lizzy is forced to enlist the help of someone who has already let her down once; a man with his own long-held secrets.
When Lizzy then discovers those secrets are even darker than she’d imagined, she has very little time to decide whether or not she can trust him. Either way, her decision will make the difference between life and death for more than one person.
Tainted Legacy is complete at 98,000 words, and I believe it will appeal to those who enjoy master-servant stories with an edge, such as Julian Fellowes’s Gosford Park, and his forthcoming ITV drama: Downton Abbey.
Aug 29, 2010
Query - Sub Rosa
Rome, 58 AD. Aemilius Valerius is back from the army. His father is dead, his sister is divorced, his mad uncle is obsessed with home renovations, and his new wife has a favour to ask – can her snarky adolescent Julia daughter come to stay?
Julia has stormed out of home because her father got her engaged, and she’s not happy about it. Neither is Valerius, because now she’s under his roof, and he has enough to worry about – unless he can get a job offer soon he’ll never have the political career expected of a man of his rank.
Sent by his wife to sound out the fiancé, Valerius accidentally lands a job. Albanus is murdered, and Valerius finds himself working with the investigator Atreus, a plebeian with a chip on his shoulder, to discover the killer. Mad Uncle Maro promised it would be a smart career move, but that was before a second senator turned up dead. Now everything points towards a corrupt legion, an imperial assassin, and the emperor Nero’s mother Agrippina. It might have been smarter to accept that honorary priesthood, stupid hat or not.
There are the added complications of an ex-brother-in-law who fell on his sword, a slum gangster who wants Atreus dead, political pressures, class divisions, and Valerius’ ongoing domestic hassles with his sister, wife, stepdaughter and assorted slaves.
Sub Rosa, a historical mystery, is complete at 129 000 words. It is my first novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Jennifer Burke
Julia has stormed out of home because her father got her engaged, and she’s not happy about it. Neither is Valerius, because now she’s under his roof, and he has enough to worry about – unless he can get a job offer soon he’ll never have the political career expected of a man of his rank.
Sent by his wife to sound out the fiancé, Valerius accidentally lands a job. Albanus is murdered, and Valerius finds himself working with the investigator Atreus, a plebeian with a chip on his shoulder, to discover the killer. Mad Uncle Maro promised it would be a smart career move, but that was before a second senator turned up dead. Now everything points towards a corrupt legion, an imperial assassin, and the emperor Nero’s mother Agrippina. It might have been smarter to accept that honorary priesthood, stupid hat or not.
There are the added complications of an ex-brother-in-law who fell on his sword, a slum gangster who wants Atreus dead, political pressures, class divisions, and Valerius’ ongoing domestic hassles with his sister, wife, stepdaughter and assorted slaves.
Sub Rosa, a historical mystery, is complete at 129 000 words. It is my first novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Jennifer Burke
QUERY - The Crystor
Dear Agent:
Seventeen-year-old Kira Edwards can deal with her friend, Lydia, being from another world, but when she finds out Lydia’s brother has the heart of a wild cat and wants to eat her, well, that’s just not acceptable.
When a photo shoot in the mountains turns into a night of terror, Kira is forced to decide between returning to her life of seclusion or saving Lydia’s life. If she returns, Lydia will die and Kira will forget her friend ever existed. But if she chooses to accept the Crystor, a magical healing charm, she’ll be bound to her friend forever and be thrust into a world where an ancient curse turns a Royal into a ferocious beast.
Lydia’s brother, Octavion, is just such a creature and if he can’t control his primal instincts, Kira will be his next victim. It’s a good thing this spicy little red head has a plan. If Kira can find a way to tame the beast raging inside him, he just might let her into his heart—which is where she wants to be. If she can’t, she’ll pay the ultimate price with her life.
THE CRYSTOR, a YA paranormal romance complete at 103,000 words, features a strong female protagonist who develops into a kick-butt warrior. This novel has the potential to crossover into the New Adult market and will appeal to the same audience as Shiver and Graceling.
The complete manuscript is available for your review.
Sincerely,
Christine (C.K.) Bryant
Seventeen-year-old Kira Edwards can deal with her friend, Lydia, being from another world, but when she finds out Lydia’s brother has the heart of a wild cat and wants to eat her, well, that’s just not acceptable.
When a photo shoot in the mountains turns into a night of terror, Kira is forced to decide between returning to her life of seclusion or saving Lydia’s life. If she returns, Lydia will die and Kira will forget her friend ever existed. But if she chooses to accept the Crystor, a magical healing charm, she’ll be bound to her friend forever and be thrust into a world where an ancient curse turns a Royal into a ferocious beast.
Lydia’s brother, Octavion, is just such a creature and if he can’t control his primal instincts, Kira will be his next victim. It’s a good thing this spicy little red head has a plan. If Kira can find a way to tame the beast raging inside him, he just might let her into his heart—which is where she wants to be. If she can’t, she’ll pay the ultimate price with her life.
THE CRYSTOR, a YA paranormal romance complete at 103,000 words, features a strong female protagonist who develops into a kick-butt warrior. This novel has the potential to crossover into the New Adult market and will appeal to the same audience as Shiver and Graceling.
The complete manuscript is available for your review.
Sincerely,
Christine (C.K.) Bryant
Aug 28, 2010
Query - Bond of Darkness (1st Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Valence hears a voice in his head offering him advice. He struggles to ignore it, fearing the Darkness' return. For all he knows, the voice could be a manifestation of its unrelenting evil.
The Darkness infects everything it touches. Valence cannot be sure if he is one such victim. If he is, he could be aiding in the return of Balter Mithrus, the creator of the Darkness and a power the world is better off without.
Wielding the Pearls of Mithrus grounds Valence and allows him to see his tie to the new war against the Darkness. Mithrus demands his power returned or threatens to unleash the infection into the world. Creatures hunt Valence, servants seek to destroy him and the conspiracy behind the Darkness grows larger than he thought possible. Pitted against the oldest evil in the land, he must save the lives of those he has never met and hope to make it out alive.
BOND OF DARKNESS is an epic fantasy, complete at 115,000 words. It tells the traditional hero’s quest while introducing an enemy far from demon lords and omnipotent gods. I have been published in the Stockpot, an undergraduate literary journal and the Sentinel, a county-circulated newspaper. I am currently working on a sequel.
Thank you for your consideration.
Valence hears a voice in his head offering him advice. He struggles to ignore it, fearing the Darkness' return. For all he knows, the voice could be a manifestation of its unrelenting evil.
The Darkness infects everything it touches. Valence cannot be sure if he is one such victim. If he is, he could be aiding in the return of Balter Mithrus, the creator of the Darkness and a power the world is better off without.
Wielding the Pearls of Mithrus grounds Valence and allows him to see his tie to the new war against the Darkness. Mithrus demands his power returned or threatens to unleash the infection into the world. Creatures hunt Valence, servants seek to destroy him and the conspiracy behind the Darkness grows larger than he thought possible. Pitted against the oldest evil in the land, he must save the lives of those he has never met and hope to make it out alive.
BOND OF DARKNESS is an epic fantasy, complete at 115,000 words. It tells the traditional hero’s quest while introducing an enemy far from demon lords and omnipotent gods. I have been published in the Stockpot, an undergraduate literary journal and the Sentinel, a county-circulated newspaper. I am currently working on a sequel.
Thank you for your consideration.
Aug 27, 2010
Query - The Paw Shake Portal
Dear (Agent):
Preoccupied with worries about moving to a new town and feeling left out among his friends, eleven-year-old Alex Locklin doesn’t think much of the stray cat he finds in his back yard. But when his little sister insists they give the cat a collar, Alex soon discovers that this isn’t an ordinary animal. Her name is Lumina, and she’s a cat that can turn into a human.
Lumina appears as a human to anyone who gives her a collar in hopes of forming a “bond of trust” with that owner. An animal’s friendship with a person makes them healthier and stronger, and Lumina needs all the strength she can get in order to fight against an army of people-hating cats. Alex is desperate to get his mind off his troubles and happily forms the bond of trust, but instead of helping fight the enemy, he’s determined turn the cat army around by proving himself to be an ally of animals.
When he winds up in the principal’s office for skipping class to go to the far away Animal World, and then gets scratched by an angry cat, Alex begins to doubt his ability to help Lumina. But he feels a tug on his heart. There has to be a way to change the hearts of the spiteful animals without accidentally causing trouble – and he’s willing to do whatever it takes to find it.
THE PAW SHAKE PORTAL is a middle grade novel complete at 29,000 words. (Reason for querying specific agent.)
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
(Thanks in advance to anyone who offers advice!)
Preoccupied with worries about moving to a new town and feeling left out among his friends, eleven-year-old Alex Locklin doesn’t think much of the stray cat he finds in his back yard. But when his little sister insists they give the cat a collar, Alex soon discovers that this isn’t an ordinary animal. Her name is Lumina, and she’s a cat that can turn into a human.
Lumina appears as a human to anyone who gives her a collar in hopes of forming a “bond of trust” with that owner. An animal’s friendship with a person makes them healthier and stronger, and Lumina needs all the strength she can get in order to fight against an army of people-hating cats. Alex is desperate to get his mind off his troubles and happily forms the bond of trust, but instead of helping fight the enemy, he’s determined turn the cat army around by proving himself to be an ally of animals.
When he winds up in the principal’s office for skipping class to go to the far away Animal World, and then gets scratched by an angry cat, Alex begins to doubt his ability to help Lumina. But he feels a tug on his heart. There has to be a way to change the hearts of the spiteful animals without accidentally causing trouble – and he’s willing to do whatever it takes to find it.
THE PAW SHAKE PORTAL is a middle grade novel complete at 29,000 words. (Reason for querying specific agent.)
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
(Thanks in advance to anyone who offers advice!)
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