Investigative reporter Avery Bonelli became Chiquita non grata when CIA agent Logan Nash accused her of stealing national secrets. Two years later, Nash shows up in her apartment covered in blood, and promises a scoop that will get her back in the big leagues--all she has to do is trust him.
Logan Nash was the lead agent for Team Omega, CIA’s top-secret anti-terrorism division until one of Avery’s stories exposed Omega and ended his career. After months of digging, Nash finds the identity of Avery’s anonymous source, and he can finally get his revenge--all he has to do is not fall in love.
Following Nash’s scoop, Avery goes after Attorney General Capwell, the person who let a high-profile terrorist escape justice. When Capwell’s corpse shows up on the morning news, Avery works with Nash to hunt for clues of terrorist involvement. Instead she uncovers evidence that Capwell was the anonymous source who manipulated her to expose an Omega mission two years ago. Capwell’s scheme killed more than Avery’s career; it caused the deaths of six operatives. Now Avery feels the weight of the bulls-eye on her back as one after another, people close to Capwell get slaughtered. She needs to find the connection between Capwell, the terrorist, and Omega, and expose the assassin before her personal obituary makes headlines. Outgunned, she trusts her life to Logan Nash even though all the evidence tells her Nash is the killer she’s trying to find.
VICARIOUS is a 109,000-word thriller.
Enclosed is the first chapter; prologue omitted.
Thanks for your consideration.
Ocean Archer
Nov 24, 2010
Nov 20, 2010
Query- The Crucible of Silver (sixth revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Click here to read the fourth revision.
Click here to read the fifth revision.
Click here to read the synopsis.
Squirrels plant the trees, live by them, and may ultimately destroy them, but even Silver Squirrel is amazed by what their leaders are up to when they burn down his home.
The Crucible of Silver is a Y/A anthropomorphic novel completed at 70,000 words.
Nobody cares if Silver Squirrel lives or dies, but he's got a heart, and a broken one at that.
He's lost everything. Now he has to join the squirrel community in their chaotic dance of behavior, if he wants to survive.
A hawk has her eye on him, and some hungry ermine are on the hunt as well. Things would be terribly bleak if it wasn't for his friends the crows who make their own special kind of chaos, and of course Sandy Brown, a female he's taken a liking to.
Sandy's mother is one of the squirrel leaders, the very ones who orchestrated this "controlled" burn, so things are pretty complicated.
Having a girlfriend can get a little hairy too. She's just like her mother, smart and in control, though she dreams at night of prowling weasel skeletons.
Silver won't give up. He's determined to forgive the ones who hurt him so badly, save them from the predators, and maybe just win Sandy as his own. His plan is doomed to disaster, but that's the way his life is. The hawk plans on teaching her mate a lesson, and Silver is the pawn in the game. Yet, Silver has faith that good can somehow come out of all this disaster.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Click here to read the fourth revision.
Click here to read the fifth revision.
Click here to read the synopsis.
Squirrels plant the trees, live by them, and may ultimately destroy them, but even Silver Squirrel is amazed by what their leaders are up to when they burn down his home.
The Crucible of Silver is a Y/A anthropomorphic novel completed at 70,000 words.
Nobody cares if Silver Squirrel lives or dies, but he's got a heart, and a broken one at that.
He's lost everything. Now he has to join the squirrel community in their chaotic dance of behavior, if he wants to survive.
A hawk has her eye on him, and some hungry ermine are on the hunt as well. Things would be terribly bleak if it wasn't for his friends the crows who make their own special kind of chaos, and of course Sandy Brown, a female he's taken a liking to.
Sandy's mother is one of the squirrel leaders, the very ones who orchestrated this "controlled" burn, so things are pretty complicated.
Having a girlfriend can get a little hairy too. She's just like her mother, smart and in control, though she dreams at night of prowling weasel skeletons.
Silver won't give up. He's determined to forgive the ones who hurt him so badly, save them from the predators, and maybe just win Sandy as his own. His plan is doomed to disaster, but that's the way his life is. The hawk plans on teaching her mate a lesson, and Silver is the pawn in the game. Yet, Silver has faith that good can somehow come out of all this disaster.
Nov 18, 2010
Query- The End Begins - 8th Revision
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Click here to read the fourth revision.
Click here to read the fifth revision.
Click here to read the sixth revision.
Click here to read the seventh revision.
For Raiana Okard the Magic Academy of the Nine was the promising stage for the next evolution of Man. It's all she's known and strives for since her birth. And despite being the constant underdog, she felt their promise coming true when she was handpicked to be a spokeswoman for her community. But her confidence in that world is shattered when she discovers their power-giving quartz is being harvested from their bodies. Before succumbing to the same fate she escapes to the United States.
Now a walking target of her oppressors Rai trades her skills to a military union for protection. Despite the cease fire between the two military powers, their shaky peace will become undeniable war on a dime. The Union wants to shake the enemies grasp on stolen resources before that happens.
Rai plunges headlong into treacherous territory to take over and protect a fort of vital resources to deal a vital blow to her enemy’s efforts. But the conflict is not without cost. Rai is constantly tested. She feels the eyes of her enemies everywhere. Though the weight of fatigue and stress gnaws at her feet, she remains vigilant in adapting to her enemy.
While The Union gains momentum, Rai waivers to complete her mission when she realizes her actions could bring about the academy’s destruction.
THE END BEGINS, at 90,000 words, is my first science fiction novel.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Click here to read the fourth revision.
Click here to read the fifth revision.
Click here to read the sixth revision.
Click here to read the seventh revision.
For Raiana Okard the Magic Academy of the Nine was the promising stage for the next evolution of Man. It's all she's known and strives for since her birth. And despite being the constant underdog, she felt their promise coming true when she was handpicked to be a spokeswoman for her community. But her confidence in that world is shattered when she discovers their power-giving quartz is being harvested from their bodies. Before succumbing to the same fate she escapes to the United States.
Now a walking target of her oppressors Rai trades her skills to a military union for protection. Despite the cease fire between the two military powers, their shaky peace will become undeniable war on a dime. The Union wants to shake the enemies grasp on stolen resources before that happens.
Rai plunges headlong into treacherous territory to take over and protect a fort of vital resources to deal a vital blow to her enemy’s efforts. But the conflict is not without cost. Rai is constantly tested. She feels the eyes of her enemies everywhere. Though the weight of fatigue and stress gnaws at her feet, she remains vigilant in adapting to her enemy.
While The Union gains momentum, Rai waivers to complete her mission when she realizes her actions could bring about the academy’s destruction.
THE END BEGINS, at 90,000 words, is my first science fiction novel.
Nov 16, 2010
Query- The Crucible of Silver (fifth revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Click here to read the fourth revision.
Click here to read the synopsis.
The Crucible of Silver is a middle grade (and up) talking animal story completed at 70,000 words.
Nobody cares if Silver Squirrel lives or dies, but he's got a heart, and a broken one at that.
He's lost his home and loved ones. Now he has to join the squirrel community, and their chaotic dance of behavior, if he wants to survive.
A hawk has her eye on him, and some hungry ermine are on the hunt as well. Things would be terribly bleak if it wasn't for his friends the crows who make their own special kind of chaos, and of course Sandy Brown, a squirrel female he's taken a liking to.
Sandy's mother is one of the squirrel leaders, the very ones who burned down his home in a planned "controlled" burn, so things are pretty complicated. Squirrel mating rituals can get a little hairy too. Silver finds that out when Sandy dumps him in a fit of spring fever.
But Silver won't give up. He's determined to win Sandy as his own, and to save the community from predation and forgive the ones who hurt him so badly. His plan is doomed to disaster, but that's the way Silver's life is. The hawk plans on teaching her mate a lesson, and Silver is the pawn in the game.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Click here to read the fourth revision.
Click here to read the synopsis.
The Crucible of Silver is a middle grade (and up) talking animal story completed at 70,000 words.
Nobody cares if Silver Squirrel lives or dies, but he's got a heart, and a broken one at that.
He's lost his home and loved ones. Now he has to join the squirrel community, and their chaotic dance of behavior, if he wants to survive.
A hawk has her eye on him, and some hungry ermine are on the hunt as well. Things would be terribly bleak if it wasn't for his friends the crows who make their own special kind of chaos, and of course Sandy Brown, a squirrel female he's taken a liking to.
Sandy's mother is one of the squirrel leaders, the very ones who burned down his home in a planned "controlled" burn, so things are pretty complicated. Squirrel mating rituals can get a little hairy too. Silver finds that out when Sandy dumps him in a fit of spring fever.
But Silver won't give up. He's determined to win Sandy as his own, and to save the community from predation and forgive the ones who hurt him so badly. His plan is doomed to disaster, but that's the way Silver's life is. The hawk plans on teaching her mate a lesson, and Silver is the pawn in the game.
Nov 14, 2010
The End Begins - 7th Revision
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Click here to read the fourth revision.
Click here to read the fifth revision.
Click here to read the sixth revision.
The Magic Academy of the Nine was the promising stage for the next evolution of Man. For Raiana Okard, an under appreciated academic, she could feel the change when she surpassed everyone’s expectations and became a spokeswoman for her community. But her confidence in the world she knew was shattered when she discovers her people are being harvested for the power-giving crystals in their bodies. Just before she succumbs to the same fate, the price for her snooping, she escapes to the United States.
Targeted as a threat to her oppressors, The Coalition, Rai trades her services to a military union for protection, whose might is a derivative of her own power – melding human flesh to supercharged quartz. On the turn of a dime, shaky peace will become undeniable war. And the Union wants to shake the enemies grasp on stolen resources before that happens. With no choice but to follow their orders, Rai plunges headlong into treacherous territory to take over and protect a fort of vital resources.
Rai’s will to survive is constantly tested as fatigue sets in. She feels the eyes of her enemies everywhere, but must remain vigilant in adapting to their offenses. While The Union gains momentum, Rai’s loyalty waivers once she realizes her decisions could inadvertently bring about her community’s destruction.
THE END BEGINS, at 90,000 words, is my first science fiction novel.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Click here to read the fourth revision.
Click here to read the fifth revision.
Click here to read the sixth revision.
The Magic Academy of the Nine was the promising stage for the next evolution of Man. For Raiana Okard, an under appreciated academic, she could feel the change when she surpassed everyone’s expectations and became a spokeswoman for her community. But her confidence in the world she knew was shattered when she discovers her people are being harvested for the power-giving crystals in their bodies. Just before she succumbs to the same fate, the price for her snooping, she escapes to the United States.
Targeted as a threat to her oppressors, The Coalition, Rai trades her services to a military union for protection, whose might is a derivative of her own power – melding human flesh to supercharged quartz. On the turn of a dime, shaky peace will become undeniable war. And the Union wants to shake the enemies grasp on stolen resources before that happens. With no choice but to follow their orders, Rai plunges headlong into treacherous territory to take over and protect a fort of vital resources.
Rai’s will to survive is constantly tested as fatigue sets in. She feels the eyes of her enemies everywhere, but must remain vigilant in adapting to their offenses. While The Union gains momentum, Rai’s loyalty waivers once she realizes her decisions could inadvertently bring about her community’s destruction.
THE END BEGINS, at 90,000 words, is my first science fiction novel.
Nov 8, 2010
Contest- Win a Query Critique
Attention Slushpile followers:
Would you like your query critiqued by a professional editor?
Lynnette Labelle is offering to do just that. Check out this post on her blog for details. The deadline for submissions is Friday, November 12.
For more information on Lynette's editing services, check out her website.
Would you like your query critiqued by a professional editor?
Lynnette Labelle is offering to do just that. Check out this post on her blog for details. The deadline for submissions is Friday, November 12.
For more information on Lynette's editing services, check out her website.
Thank you, Nathan Bransford
For those of you trapped under rocks* or otherwise cut off from the world's most pressing news, Nathan Bransford announced last week that he will be leaving the world of agenting to take a position in social media for CNET.
I launched this blog on March 6, 2009. According to Google Analytics there were 30 visits that day. I was elated on Thursday the 12th when the site had 56 visitors. And the next day, Nathan Bransford mentioned the Public Query Slushpile on his blog. The site had 473 visits that day! That invaluable boost gave the Slushpile the momentum it needed, giving us all queries to read and attracting many talented people to share their feedback through the comments.
Nathan has been kind to many of us, offering encouragement, advice, and general sanity through his blog. I've even emailed him several one-off questions, and he answered every one (usually the same day I emailed him).
I would almost expect Nathan to save the world, if he wasn't busy breaking the universe with a cosmic space ka-pow.
Good luck Nathan. Thanks for all your support!
*Anyone seen 127 Hours? I bet even that guy knows.
I launched this blog on March 6, 2009. According to Google Analytics there were 30 visits that day. I was elated on Thursday the 12th when the site had 56 visitors. And the next day, Nathan Bransford mentioned the Public Query Slushpile on his blog. The site had 473 visits that day! That invaluable boost gave the Slushpile the momentum it needed, giving us all queries to read and attracting many talented people to share their feedback through the comments.
Nathan has been kind to many of us, offering encouragement, advice, and general sanity through his blog. I've even emailed him several one-off questions, and he answered every one (usually the same day I emailed him).
I would almost expect Nathan to save the world, if he wasn't busy breaking the universe with a cosmic space ka-pow.
Good luck Nathan. Thanks for all your support!
*Anyone seen 127 Hours? I bet even that guy knows.
Nov 7, 2010
Query - All Because of You (Third Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Dear Awesome Future Agent,
Forced to kill for sport until the age of sixteen, Adelaide Banvard has been kept at the side of Christian Wren, one of the most powerful men in Los Angeles and the man she feels indebted to for saving her life. For ten years she’s been dedicated to his cause, the schizophrenic monster in her head enjoying every moment of pain delivered and every drop of blood on her hands. But Adelaide finally has the chance to escape this existence of violence, eager to live a life of her own.
Her opportunity comes in the form of ATF Agent Marcus Grant, a man whose assignment is to apprehend Wren, the suspected leader behind one of the largest gunrunning operations California has ever seen. Adelaide’s loyalties are tested at every turn as she fights her way out of Wren’s organization and tries to conceal the attraction she feels for the ATF agent who wants her for murder.
ALL BECAUSE OF YOU is an 85,000-word suspense. I have a degree from Utah Valley University in the field of Psychology, owning accurate knowledge on the subject of Schizophrenia and would be glad to send you my complete manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Dear Awesome Future Agent,
Forced to kill for sport until the age of sixteen, Adelaide Banvard has been kept at the side of Christian Wren, one of the most powerful men in Los Angeles and the man she feels indebted to for saving her life. For ten years she’s been dedicated to his cause, the schizophrenic monster in her head enjoying every moment of pain delivered and every drop of blood on her hands. But Adelaide finally has the chance to escape this existence of violence, eager to live a life of her own.
Her opportunity comes in the form of ATF Agent Marcus Grant, a man whose assignment is to apprehend Wren, the suspected leader behind one of the largest gunrunning operations California has ever seen. Adelaide’s loyalties are tested at every turn as she fights her way out of Wren’s organization and tries to conceal the attraction she feels for the ATF agent who wants her for murder.
ALL BECAUSE OF YOU is an 85,000-word suspense. I have a degree from Utah Valley University in the field of Psychology, owning accurate knowledge on the subject of Schizophrenia and would be glad to send you my complete manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Nov 4, 2010
QUERY- THE CHLOE CHRONICLES AND THE REBIRTH
Dear Agent,
If only Chloe Carmichael had known of her powers sooner. She might have had time to mentally prepare for the chaos that would soon ensue. Chloe is a 16 year old student at Whitney Young High School. She’s popular, she’s attractive, her parents are rich, and she truly believes she’s going insane.
THE CHLOE CHRONICLES AND THE REBIRTH is complete at 74,000 words, and is young adult science fiction. Chloe's life begins to unravel as a series of unexplained occurrences take place. Her boyfriend dies a ghastly death - which she saw prior to it occurring. She begins to hear voices, see people that don’t exist, and objects mysteriously begin to move when she is angry. These things transpire as she attempts to cope with her deteriorating relationship with her mother, which only proves to further confuse her. Christopher Thomas, a new student, insists things aren’t as they seem in her perfectly created world. Chloe is faced with an unfathomable choice: Join Chris and his friends as super humans or remain in her sheltered monotonous life. The only complication: She may lose who she is to become who she always was.
I joined the military immediately after high school and because of this have no shortage of characters to choose from when I write. I am a Paralegal, a wife, and a mother to three beautiful children.
The entire novel or partial can be sent at your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.
If only Chloe Carmichael had known of her powers sooner. She might have had time to mentally prepare for the chaos that would soon ensue. Chloe is a 16 year old student at Whitney Young High School. She’s popular, she’s attractive, her parents are rich, and she truly believes she’s going insane.
THE CHLOE CHRONICLES AND THE REBIRTH is complete at 74,000 words, and is young adult science fiction. Chloe's life begins to unravel as a series of unexplained occurrences take place. Her boyfriend dies a ghastly death - which she saw prior to it occurring. She begins to hear voices, see people that don’t exist, and objects mysteriously begin to move when she is angry. These things transpire as she attempts to cope with her deteriorating relationship with her mother, which only proves to further confuse her. Christopher Thomas, a new student, insists things aren’t as they seem in her perfectly created world. Chloe is faced with an unfathomable choice: Join Chris and his friends as super humans or remain in her sheltered monotonous life. The only complication: She may lose who she is to become who she always was.
I joined the military immediately after high school and because of this have no shortage of characters to choose from when I write. I am a Paralegal, a wife, and a mother to three beautiful children.
The entire novel or partial can be sent at your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Query: The End Begins - Sixth Revision
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Click here to read the fourth revision.
Click here to read the fifth revision.
Raiana Draco thought The Nine was an academy created for the expressed purpose of training its students of the magically inclined. She never would have thought that her father, long gone from her life, was responsible for merging human flesh with a synthetic crystal to produce their magnificent power. On top of that, then made a permanent trading agreement - their people for “protection” from the outside world.
With the truth discovered, she escapes to the United States. Hunted by the academy in a world nearly devoid of magic, she survives by soliciting her services to a military alliance that wage a secret war against her people’s oppressor.
THE END BEGINS is a 90,000 science fiction novel that follows Rai’s travels as fatigue, persecution, and traitorous minds pushes her limits as her people die from the crystal extraction process that only her father has the answers to stop.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Click here to read the fourth revision.
Click here to read the fifth revision.
Raiana Draco thought The Nine was an academy created for the expressed purpose of training its students of the magically inclined. She never would have thought that her father, long gone from her life, was responsible for merging human flesh with a synthetic crystal to produce their magnificent power. On top of that, then made a permanent trading agreement - their people for “protection” from the outside world.
With the truth discovered, she escapes to the United States. Hunted by the academy in a world nearly devoid of magic, she survives by soliciting her services to a military alliance that wage a secret war against her people’s oppressor.
THE END BEGINS is a 90,000 science fiction novel that follows Rai’s travels as fatigue, persecution, and traitorous minds pushes her limits as her people die from the crystal extraction process that only her father has the answers to stop.
Nov 3, 2010
QUERY- CINDER CLOUDS
Click here to read the original query (originally titled THE CHRONICLES OF CHRISTMAS).
A research team drilling ice cores at the North Pole finds something amazing buried deep in the ice: a book that tells the origins of Santa Claus.
Jason didn’t come to the North Pole with his father to learn about global warming, he just wants to see Santa Claus. After weeks surrounded by nothing but a few stuffy scientists and a whole lot of cold, Jason loses faith. But when an ice core comes back with a book embedded in it – a book that proves the existence of Santa – they face a tough decision: keep the book and get rich, or find a way to return the book to its rightful owner.
The book tells the tale of Kris Kringle. Born human but abandoned as a baby, Kris is raised by the Elfs of the Woodland Glen, even though contact with humans goes against eons of Elfin law. Kris is desperate to find his real family. When a lead points him to the town of Oldenton, Kris convinces the High Council to allow him to search for his family by delivering a present to each child in Oldenton on Christmas Day, as long as no human sees him. But there’s a catch: Kris – and any Elf who helps him – must leave the Glen immediately. The High Council is convinced that humans are greedy, destructive creatures, and unless Kris can bring back proof that human virtue exists, neither he nor the Elfs who join him will be allowed to return.
Bound by a stringent set of rules, Kris and two dozen Elfs set off for the legendary Great Northern Glen to set up base camp for their operation. When Christmas Day arrives, Kris – known as “the man in the cinder clouds” after an accident involving a chimney – learns his true family has been with him his entire life, and he proves that human virtue does exist…even in the most unexpected of human hearts.
CINDER CLOUDS is a 34,500-word middle-grade novel written for anyone who has ever believed in Santa Claus. This story-within-a-story explains everything from the origins of Santa’s white hair and red suit to his ability to fit all those presents in one sack.
A note on style: the book was written by an Elf. Elfs always capitalize the E, and never convert the f to a v. That’s a human thing.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
A research team drilling ice cores at the North Pole finds something amazing buried deep in the ice: a book that tells the origins of Santa Claus.
Jason didn’t come to the North Pole with his father to learn about global warming, he just wants to see Santa Claus. After weeks surrounded by nothing but a few stuffy scientists and a whole lot of cold, Jason loses faith. But when an ice core comes back with a book embedded in it – a book that proves the existence of Santa – they face a tough decision: keep the book and get rich, or find a way to return the book to its rightful owner.
The book tells the tale of Kris Kringle. Born human but abandoned as a baby, Kris is raised by the Elfs of the Woodland Glen, even though contact with humans goes against eons of Elfin law. Kris is desperate to find his real family. When a lead points him to the town of Oldenton, Kris convinces the High Council to allow him to search for his family by delivering a present to each child in Oldenton on Christmas Day, as long as no human sees him. But there’s a catch: Kris – and any Elf who helps him – must leave the Glen immediately. The High Council is convinced that humans are greedy, destructive creatures, and unless Kris can bring back proof that human virtue exists, neither he nor the Elfs who join him will be allowed to return.
Bound by a stringent set of rules, Kris and two dozen Elfs set off for the legendary Great Northern Glen to set up base camp for their operation. When Christmas Day arrives, Kris – known as “the man in the cinder clouds” after an accident involving a chimney – learns his true family has been with him his entire life, and he proves that human virtue does exist…even in the most unexpected of human hearts.
CINDER CLOUDS is a 34,500-word middle-grade novel written for anyone who has ever believed in Santa Claus. This story-within-a-story explains everything from the origins of Santa’s white hair and red suit to his ability to fit all those presents in one sack.
A note on style: the book was written by an Elf. Elfs always capitalize the E, and never convert the f to a v. That’s a human thing.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Washed-YA Paranormal
Dear Agent,
Eighteen-year-old Luke Tremaine isn’t claiming he’s an angel, in fact he's far from it, but he never thought he was really bad,like going to the Underworld forever kind of bad.
See, according to Karma, a freaky supernatural entity, Luke’s on his hundredth reincarnated life and it seems that his trademark, couldn’t care less attitude has been a constant in every one of those past lives. Bottom line, he’s got a lot of making up to do with the souls he’s messed with over the years, or what Karma calls getting Washed.
As far as Luke’s concerned, the whole Washed plan has epic fail written all over it. Seriously, how’s he going to find all his so called jobs since, news flash, he has no idea who they are. And even if he does, how’s he supposed to fix up with them, he’s not exactly a giving kind of guy?
But when Moveora, Karma’s gnarly evil twin, shows a vested interest in Luke doing his job,the whole game plan changes. Suddenly it’s not just his neck on the line because Moveora’s got Luke’s best friend Daria in her claws and if Luke knows what’s good for him, he’ll follow the Washed plan to the tee, otherwise Daria will be the one paying for his mistakes.
Washed is Young Adult Paranormal complete at about 68,000. I can be reached at the address provided. Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Thanks so much,any comments will be appreciated.D
Eighteen-year-old Luke Tremaine isn’t claiming he’s an angel, in fact he's far from it, but he never thought he was really bad,like going to the Underworld forever kind of bad.
See, according to Karma, a freaky supernatural entity, Luke’s on his hundredth reincarnated life and it seems that his trademark, couldn’t care less attitude has been a constant in every one of those past lives. Bottom line, he’s got a lot of making up to do with the souls he’s messed with over the years, or what Karma calls getting Washed.
As far as Luke’s concerned, the whole Washed plan has epic fail written all over it. Seriously, how’s he going to find all his so called jobs since, news flash, he has no idea who they are. And even if he does, how’s he supposed to fix up with them, he’s not exactly a giving kind of guy?
But when Moveora, Karma’s gnarly evil twin, shows a vested interest in Luke doing his job,the whole game plan changes. Suddenly it’s not just his neck on the line because Moveora’s got Luke’s best friend Daria in her claws and if Luke knows what’s good for him, he’ll follow the Washed plan to the tee, otherwise Daria will be the one paying for his mistakes.
Washed is Young Adult Paranormal complete at about 68,000. I can be reached at the address provided. Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Thanks so much,any comments will be appreciated.D
Oct 28, 2010
Query- DAGGER ( FIRST REVISION )
Click here to read the original query.
Thirteen-year-old Nathan Dagger must transform himself from a chubby video gaming geek, into a strong and fearless warrior.
OPAL, the omni- psychic assassin league, believes Nathan has a powerful remote viewing gift. Locking onto their ruthless enemy Zafaar, and challenging him to a psychic battle is the mission assigned to him. The problem is, there is no getting out of this fight to the death.
An elaborate plan of deception is set in place to test and train Nathan. He is tried physically and mentally for ten agonizing weeks, using military drills and psychological tactics, designed to push him to his breaking point, and test his morals. Throughout his trials, and radical metamorphosis from a weakling into a fierce soldier, Nathan must discover the awesome power and the terrible curse of his hidden gifts. Only then can he enter the mysterious world of OPAL, where advanced technology is merged with psychic abilities to fight evil.
Deep underground in OPAL’s command center, Nathan is told the shocking news about Zafaar. He was an agent of OPAL, but turned traitor when he got denied leadership of the mind control program. Now he commands a radical organization with a dark ideology. His goal, purify the earth of anyone weak or unwilling to serve him. Cloaking his mind from OPAL, is the key to Zafaar’s success. Underestimating Nathan as a lethal enemy, is the biggest mistake he can make.
DAGGER is an 86,000 word paranormal young adult novel. Thank you for your consideration.
Thirteen-year-old Nathan Dagger must transform himself from a chubby video gaming geek, into a strong and fearless warrior.
OPAL, the omni- psychic assassin league, believes Nathan has a powerful remote viewing gift. Locking onto their ruthless enemy Zafaar, and challenging him to a psychic battle is the mission assigned to him. The problem is, there is no getting out of this fight to the death.
An elaborate plan of deception is set in place to test and train Nathan. He is tried physically and mentally for ten agonizing weeks, using military drills and psychological tactics, designed to push him to his breaking point, and test his morals. Throughout his trials, and radical metamorphosis from a weakling into a fierce soldier, Nathan must discover the awesome power and the terrible curse of his hidden gifts. Only then can he enter the mysterious world of OPAL, where advanced technology is merged with psychic abilities to fight evil.
Deep underground in OPAL’s command center, Nathan is told the shocking news about Zafaar. He was an agent of OPAL, but turned traitor when he got denied leadership of the mind control program. Now he commands a radical organization with a dark ideology. His goal, purify the earth of anyone weak or unwilling to serve him. Cloaking his mind from OPAL, is the key to Zafaar’s success. Underestimating Nathan as a lethal enemy, is the biggest mistake he can make.
DAGGER is an 86,000 word paranormal young adult novel. Thank you for your consideration.
Oct 26, 2010
The End Begins - Fifth Revision
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Click here to read the fourth revision.
Dear Agent of my Dreams,
Out of a closed community of the Magic Academy of the Nine, the newest evolution of Man proceeds. But Raiana Draco, one of their top students, discovered its plot to use students as a means to power a warring nations’ fleet. Her punishment? She’s signed up to be made into a battery. But thanks to the loving instructor she escaped into a fractured United States.
Hunted by the academy and its ally, The Coalition of United Territories, in a world nearly devoid of magic, she must survive a science driven society by soliciting her services to a military union who wages a secret war against them.
With war already in motion, she quickly gains her commander’s trust and is assigned to a special team to protect the countries last stockpile of vital resources.
But not all is what it seems.
Rai and her company must traverse the hostile territory as they are pushed to their limits by fatigue, persecution, and misled by a traitorous mind. But the wolf among their sheep discovers his union’s details about the stockade. An emergency wormhole device designed to retrieve other agents of war from alternate worlds.
The C.U.T. need their homegrown batteries to make it work. And only her father has the answers for them to stop them.
The traitor leads to the companies escape and advance on their mission, but they must remain vigilant. They race against time and decaying moral, unsure what awaits them at the end of their road: salvation or destruction.
THE END BEGINS is a Science Fiction story at 90,000 words.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Click here to read the fourth revision.
Dear Agent of my Dreams,
Out of a closed community of the Magic Academy of the Nine, the newest evolution of Man proceeds. But Raiana Draco, one of their top students, discovered its plot to use students as a means to power a warring nations’ fleet. Her punishment? She’s signed up to be made into a battery. But thanks to the loving instructor she escaped into a fractured United States.
Hunted by the academy and its ally, The Coalition of United Territories, in a world nearly devoid of magic, she must survive a science driven society by soliciting her services to a military union who wages a secret war against them.
With war already in motion, she quickly gains her commander’s trust and is assigned to a special team to protect the countries last stockpile of vital resources.
But not all is what it seems.
Rai and her company must traverse the hostile territory as they are pushed to their limits by fatigue, persecution, and misled by a traitorous mind. But the wolf among their sheep discovers his union’s details about the stockade. An emergency wormhole device designed to retrieve other agents of war from alternate worlds.
The C.U.T. need their homegrown batteries to make it work. And only her father has the answers for them to stop them.
The traitor leads to the companies escape and advance on their mission, but they must remain vigilant. They race against time and decaying moral, unsure what awaits them at the end of their road: salvation or destruction.
THE END BEGINS is a Science Fiction story at 90,000 words.
Possessed - Fourth Revision
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the scond revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Dear Agent,
Nineteen year-old Gabriel is not supposed to remember who he is or what he has done. But the White Horizon Research Center's pyschological experiment fails.
Everything that Gabriel thought was real turns out to be a product of radiation, electrodes, and drugs – including his identity as a young midshipman in the Napoleonic War.
It doesn’t help when the angry voices of the high school jocks he murdered five years ago return.
They want revenge. He hates himself for what he did to them.
Locked in a debriefing room, Gabriel and two other patients overhear the doctors make the decision to kill them and terminate their illegal project. Gabriel discovers that his troubled cousin has already escaped in a violent rage. The experiments drove her insane. They find a way out of the facility, but Gabriel`s cousin stalks them. She wants to kill them.
Gabriel will have to find a way to keep himself - and his new friends - alive without harming his cousin. But there is nothing that can save him from the afterlife. Everyone knows that there is no way out of eternal damnation for a cold blooded killer.
Possessed is a young adult supernatural thriller with a word count of 56,000 words.
Thank you very much for your time and consideration of my work.
Sincerely,
Sara Kjeldsen
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the scond revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Dear Agent,
Nineteen year-old Gabriel is not supposed to remember who he is or what he has done. But the White Horizon Research Center's pyschological experiment fails.
Everything that Gabriel thought was real turns out to be a product of radiation, electrodes, and drugs – including his identity as a young midshipman in the Napoleonic War.
It doesn’t help when the angry voices of the high school jocks he murdered five years ago return.
They want revenge. He hates himself for what he did to them.
Locked in a debriefing room, Gabriel and two other patients overhear the doctors make the decision to kill them and terminate their illegal project. Gabriel discovers that his troubled cousin has already escaped in a violent rage. The experiments drove her insane. They find a way out of the facility, but Gabriel`s cousin stalks them. She wants to kill them.
Gabriel will have to find a way to keep himself - and his new friends - alive without harming his cousin. But there is nothing that can save him from the afterlife. Everyone knows that there is no way out of eternal damnation for a cold blooded killer.
Possessed is a young adult supernatural thriller with a word count of 56,000 words.
Thank you very much for your time and consideration of my work.
Sincerely,
Sara Kjeldsen
Oct 25, 2010
Sample Pages - Liquid Smoke
Click here to read the query.
Rick got up off of the couch and reached into the inner lining of his jacket. He pulled out a large manila envelope and tossed it on the coffee table in front of Danny.
Danny reached over and snatched the envelope off of the table. He eyed it closely and then looked up at Rick. "What's this?"
"Just open it."
Danny peeled the top of the envelope open and dumped out the contents. Photos and papers fluttered to the coffee table.
"What am I looking at?" Danny asked.
Rick bent down and began sifting through the paperwork. He pulled an old photo of a boy from the stack and held it up for Danny to see.
"Carlos Rimerez, age ten in the photo. He was number twelve in the group."
Danny studied the photo. It was an eight-by-ten snapshot of a boy with black curly hair and olive skin, standing awkwardly in front of a smooth concrete wall. His large, chocolate brown eyes stared back at Danny with fear. He was wearing a plain white t-shirt and his statistics were scrawled in tiny block letters across the bottom of the photo.
Rick riffled through the rest of the paperwork until he found what he was looking for. He shoved a single page of a newspaper into Danny's hands and pointed at a circled article in the paper.
Danny leaned in close to read it, only to find the entire paper was in Spanish.
"This kid was shipped to Mexico to live with his grandparents after the program ended," Rick said. "He died two years ago. Local Federales claim he committed suicide by driving his car straight into the Rio Grande."
"So what if he did?" asked Danny.
"They located his car at the bottom of the river about two hundred miles away from Santiago, where he lived with his grandparents," Rick said, "Why would he drive almost two hundred miles away from his hometown to commit suicide?"
"Maybe the kid had some thinking to do before he died," Danny said, shrugging.
Rick nodded, "Okay, good point."
He riffled through the paperwork and pulled another photograph out of the stack. He slid it across the papers so that it came to a stop in front of Danny.
"Patricia Clark, age thirteen in the photo. She was number eleven in the group." Rick said, pointing to the photo of a dark haired, green eyed little girl standing in front of the same bland cement wall. She was also wearing a white t-shirt and the same tiny, blocked handwriting was scribbled on her photograph.
"What happened to her?" Danny asked.
"She lived in West Virginia with her aunt and uncle. Approximately twenty-two months ago she cut the padlock on her uncle's gun cabinet and blasted a hole through the back of her skull with a single-action semi-automatic pistol," Rick said, pulling a stack of photos out from underneath the pile and slapping them down in front of Danny.
Danny looked down at the photos and scowled. They were vivid pictures of Patricia sprawled out on the floor in front of an opened gun cabinet, blood splattered down the wall behind her.
"What did the police have to say about that one?"
"They ruled it a suicide. Funny thing is the uncle swears the girl never touched a gun her entire life and wouldn't know how to use one."
Danny had never fired a gun either, let alone had one in his house for Jenna to accidently stumble upon.
"So? Don't kids accidently shoot themselves all the time?" Danny asked.
Rick grimaced, "A single-action semi-automatic pistol can only be cocked by operating the slide or cocking the hammer manually if a round is already in the chamber. The uncle claims the gun was not loaded. His gun cabinet was stacked with bullets for several different types of guns. Let's say even though Patricia had an aversion to guns, never even touching one before, that she knew what ammo to load in the pistol and knew how to load it, cock it and unlock the safety on the handle. Then it would make sense that it would be pretty easy for her to take the next step and end her life."
"Okay, so what am I missing here?" Danny asked.
"Uncle claims not only was the gun not loaded, but he had taken it apart to clean it the day before and wasn't finished cleaning it when Patricia had apparently put it back together, selected the correct bullets to load into the chamber and then used it to blow her brains out." Rick said.
"So you think this Brad kid somehow drove Carlos' car into the river with him in it and then a few months after that broke into a gun cabinet in this Patricia's uncle's house, put the uncle's pistol back together and forced Patricia to shoot herself with it?" Danny asked.
Whatever Rick was trying to tell Danny didn't make sense. This Brad maybe tried killing Jenna at the facility when she was eight and eleven years later kills a couple members of this disbanded secret group of kids?
"Not convinced yet?" Rick asked. He pushed another photo of a child in front of Danny's face.
"Stephanie Haze, age ten in the photo, group member ten. Hung herself in her college dorm room in New York eighteen months ago," Rick said, replacing the photo of the little girl with one of a young woman's body hanging by a thick rope over a twin bed littered with stuffed animals.
Another photo was thrown at Danny.
"Daren Childs, age twelve here, group member nine. Mauled to death seventeen months ago by a black bear in the woods of South Dakota."
Rick slipped another photo in front of Danny with a barely recognizable body ripped to shreds, lying in a patch of grass next to some trees.
Another photo.
"Katie Benson, age nine, member eight. Slipped and fell down three flights of stairs at a hotel in Florida and broke her neck thirteen months ago."
Rick pushed more photos of the grown-up Katie Benson into Danny's hands. Her body rested at the foot of a flight of stairs, left leg curled underneath her, right arm splayed at an unnatural angle, tangled in a thick mess of dirty blonde hair. Her vacant eyes stared directly at Danny.
"Jack Fox, second oldest of the group at fifteen, seventh member. Overdosed on Vicodin twelve months ago," Rick said as he flipped two photos over to Danny—one of the fifteen year old Fox, the next of an adult male lying facedown on a dirty couch. A trail of vomit led from the edge of the couch to a small pool formed on the floor.
"Do I really need to continue or are you getting this now?" Rick asked in exasperation.
Danny sat still on the couch, surrounded by photos of young children interspersed with photos of their older, dead selves. A sinking feeling settled in the pit of his stomach as he stared at the pictures.
"Member six is Steve LaFonde, age ten in this photo here," Rick said, holding up the picture, "Slit his own throat on a beach right here in Washington a little over eight weeks ago."
Rick held up the other photo of a young man lying next to a smooth log on the rocky beach, blood pooled around his head.
Danny's blood ran cold as Rick threw the pictures at him. He knew the kid in this photo. It was the obituary he was reading on Jenna's last morning home before returning to college.
Rick got up off of the couch and reached into the inner lining of his jacket. He pulled out a large manila envelope and tossed it on the coffee table in front of Danny.
Danny reached over and snatched the envelope off of the table. He eyed it closely and then looked up at Rick. "What's this?"
"Just open it."
Danny peeled the top of the envelope open and dumped out the contents. Photos and papers fluttered to the coffee table.
"What am I looking at?" Danny asked.
Rick bent down and began sifting through the paperwork. He pulled an old photo of a boy from the stack and held it up for Danny to see.
"Carlos Rimerez, age ten in the photo. He was number twelve in the group."
Danny studied the photo. It was an eight-by-ten snapshot of a boy with black curly hair and olive skin, standing awkwardly in front of a smooth concrete wall. His large, chocolate brown eyes stared back at Danny with fear. He was wearing a plain white t-shirt and his statistics were scrawled in tiny block letters across the bottom of the photo.
Rick riffled through the rest of the paperwork until he found what he was looking for. He shoved a single page of a newspaper into Danny's hands and pointed at a circled article in the paper.
Danny leaned in close to read it, only to find the entire paper was in Spanish.
"This kid was shipped to Mexico to live with his grandparents after the program ended," Rick said. "He died two years ago. Local Federales claim he committed suicide by driving his car straight into the Rio Grande."
"So what if he did?" asked Danny.
"They located his car at the bottom of the river about two hundred miles away from Santiago, where he lived with his grandparents," Rick said, "Why would he drive almost two hundred miles away from his hometown to commit suicide?"
"Maybe the kid had some thinking to do before he died," Danny said, shrugging.
Rick nodded, "Okay, good point."
He riffled through the paperwork and pulled another photograph out of the stack. He slid it across the papers so that it came to a stop in front of Danny.
"Patricia Clark, age thirteen in the photo. She was number eleven in the group." Rick said, pointing to the photo of a dark haired, green eyed little girl standing in front of the same bland cement wall. She was also wearing a white t-shirt and the same tiny, blocked handwriting was scribbled on her photograph.
"What happened to her?" Danny asked.
"She lived in West Virginia with her aunt and uncle. Approximately twenty-two months ago she cut the padlock on her uncle's gun cabinet and blasted a hole through the back of her skull with a single-action semi-automatic pistol," Rick said, pulling a stack of photos out from underneath the pile and slapping them down in front of Danny.
Danny looked down at the photos and scowled. They were vivid pictures of Patricia sprawled out on the floor in front of an opened gun cabinet, blood splattered down the wall behind her.
"What did the police have to say about that one?"
"They ruled it a suicide. Funny thing is the uncle swears the girl never touched a gun her entire life and wouldn't know how to use one."
Danny had never fired a gun either, let alone had one in his house for Jenna to accidently stumble upon.
"So? Don't kids accidently shoot themselves all the time?" Danny asked.
Rick grimaced, "A single-action semi-automatic pistol can only be cocked by operating the slide or cocking the hammer manually if a round is already in the chamber. The uncle claims the gun was not loaded. His gun cabinet was stacked with bullets for several different types of guns. Let's say even though Patricia had an aversion to guns, never even touching one before, that she knew what ammo to load in the pistol and knew how to load it, cock it and unlock the safety on the handle. Then it would make sense that it would be pretty easy for her to take the next step and end her life."
"Okay, so what am I missing here?" Danny asked.
"Uncle claims not only was the gun not loaded, but he had taken it apart to clean it the day before and wasn't finished cleaning it when Patricia had apparently put it back together, selected the correct bullets to load into the chamber and then used it to blow her brains out." Rick said.
"So you think this Brad kid somehow drove Carlos' car into the river with him in it and then a few months after that broke into a gun cabinet in this Patricia's uncle's house, put the uncle's pistol back together and forced Patricia to shoot herself with it?" Danny asked.
Whatever Rick was trying to tell Danny didn't make sense. This Brad maybe tried killing Jenna at the facility when she was eight and eleven years later kills a couple members of this disbanded secret group of kids?
"Not convinced yet?" Rick asked. He pushed another photo of a child in front of Danny's face.
"Stephanie Haze, age ten in the photo, group member ten. Hung herself in her college dorm room in New York eighteen months ago," Rick said, replacing the photo of the little girl with one of a young woman's body hanging by a thick rope over a twin bed littered with stuffed animals.
Another photo was thrown at Danny.
"Daren Childs, age twelve here, group member nine. Mauled to death seventeen months ago by a black bear in the woods of South Dakota."
Rick slipped another photo in front of Danny with a barely recognizable body ripped to shreds, lying in a patch of grass next to some trees.
Another photo.
"Katie Benson, age nine, member eight. Slipped and fell down three flights of stairs at a hotel in Florida and broke her neck thirteen months ago."
Rick pushed more photos of the grown-up Katie Benson into Danny's hands. Her body rested at the foot of a flight of stairs, left leg curled underneath her, right arm splayed at an unnatural angle, tangled in a thick mess of dirty blonde hair. Her vacant eyes stared directly at Danny.
"Jack Fox, second oldest of the group at fifteen, seventh member. Overdosed on Vicodin twelve months ago," Rick said as he flipped two photos over to Danny—one of the fifteen year old Fox, the next of an adult male lying facedown on a dirty couch. A trail of vomit led from the edge of the couch to a small pool formed on the floor.
"Do I really need to continue or are you getting this now?" Rick asked in exasperation.
Danny sat still on the couch, surrounded by photos of young children interspersed with photos of their older, dead selves. A sinking feeling settled in the pit of his stomach as he stared at the pictures.
"Member six is Steve LaFonde, age ten in this photo here," Rick said, holding up the picture, "Slit his own throat on a beach right here in Washington a little over eight weeks ago."
Rick held up the other photo of a young man lying next to a smooth log on the rocky beach, blood pooled around his head.
Danny's blood ran cold as Rick threw the pictures at him. He knew the kid in this photo. It was the obituary he was reading on Jenna's last morning home before returning to college.
Query- Liquid Smoke
Click here to read the sample pages.
Dear Fantastic Agent,
When the eight-year-old daughter of Danny Reece was forcibly taken by agent Rick Delaruse, Danny had no choice but to submit to the government and pray for the collapse of the secret program she was enlisted in.
Thirteen years later, Jenna is living the happy life of a college student and has no recollection of the six month long government program. When she is attacked on campus, agent Delaruse pays a visit to Danny with alarming news. The twelve children who were enrolled in the program thirteen years earlier are turning up dead in the order they were inducted.
With his grown daughter next in line on the short list of a serial killer, Danny is forced to team up with his long-standing enemy to revisit the past and uncover the true reason behind the government program she was forced to participate in when she was a child.
Liquid Smoke is a 70,000-word psychological thriller. I would be happy to forward the complete manuscript upon request. Thank for your time and consideration.
Cordially,
My name here
Dear Fantastic Agent,
When the eight-year-old daughter of Danny Reece was forcibly taken by agent Rick Delaruse, Danny had no choice but to submit to the government and pray for the collapse of the secret program she was enlisted in.
Thirteen years later, Jenna is living the happy life of a college student and has no recollection of the six month long government program. When she is attacked on campus, agent Delaruse pays a visit to Danny with alarming news. The twelve children who were enrolled in the program thirteen years earlier are turning up dead in the order they were inducted.
With his grown daughter next in line on the short list of a serial killer, Danny is forced to team up with his long-standing enemy to revisit the past and uncover the true reason behind the government program she was forced to participate in when she was a child.
Liquid Smoke is a 70,000-word psychological thriller. I would be happy to forward the complete manuscript upon request. Thank for your time and consideration.
Cordially,
My name here
Oct 24, 2010
QUERY: THE ODD I SEE (second revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Agent,
Please consider representing my novel THE ODD I SEE, a 71,000-word work of slipstream fiction.
After a falling out with her favorite hallucination, a half-assed stay in the loony bin, and entry into the “real world” by way of college graduation, Fifi wants to know why she ought to bother existing.
Twenty-two year old Fifi works an underachiever’s dream job while struggling to reconcile her surrealistic worldview with modern middle-class American living. Her maybe-imaginary vampire lover tries to convince her that she'll become part of a constellation if she kills herself. On the other hand, her real-life boyfriend (whom she met while having an adventure in the art of pretending to be a prostitute) seems a solid case for divine intervention in a world Fifi deems just shy of apocalypse. Unsure of her continued interest in the business of existence, Fifi uses blue (and sometimes black) humor to systematically reason her way through the meaning of life and into a decision about whether the act of living is worth the effort.
I am writing to you because I connected with your interview on Guide to Literary Agents, your submission guidelines, and (novel you represented). An excerpt of this novel was published in the spring 2009 edition of the Newport Review literary magazine. A separate excerpt was published in the 2006 edition of Loyola University Chicago’s annual literary journal, Cadence. I can be reached by phone at ### ### ####, by email at bre@jamstage.net, or by postal mail at 123 XYZ St.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Best regards,
Bre Kidman
----------------------------------------
SIDEBAR: This is a small revision, I guess, but I'm having trouble packing more info into such a small space. Eep!
Also, a question: When an agent asks for a certain number of sample pages, should one take the number of pages, multiply by 250, and include that number of words? Is it safe to take that number of pages out of a Word document and include those? How does one calculate the length of a ten page excerpt?
Thanks for reading!!!
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Agent,
Please consider representing my novel THE ODD I SEE, a 71,000-word work of slipstream fiction.
After a falling out with her favorite hallucination, a half-assed stay in the loony bin, and entry into the “real world” by way of college graduation, Fifi wants to know why she ought to bother existing.
Twenty-two year old Fifi works an underachiever’s dream job while struggling to reconcile her surrealistic worldview with modern middle-class American living. Her maybe-imaginary vampire lover tries to convince her that she'll become part of a constellation if she kills herself. On the other hand, her real-life boyfriend (whom she met while having an adventure in the art of pretending to be a prostitute) seems a solid case for divine intervention in a world Fifi deems just shy of apocalypse. Unsure of her continued interest in the business of existence, Fifi uses blue (and sometimes black) humor to systematically reason her way through the meaning of life and into a decision about whether the act of living is worth the effort.
I am writing to you because I connected with your interview on Guide to Literary Agents, your submission guidelines, and (novel you represented). An excerpt of this novel was published in the spring 2009 edition of the Newport Review literary magazine. A separate excerpt was published in the 2006 edition of Loyola University Chicago’s annual literary journal, Cadence. I can be reached by phone at ### ### ####, by email at bre@jamstage.net, or by postal mail at 123 XYZ St.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Best regards,
Bre Kidman
----------------------------------------
SIDEBAR: This is a small revision, I guess, but I'm having trouble packing more info into such a small space. Eep!
Also, a question: When an agent asks for a certain number of sample pages, should one take the number of pages, multiply by 250, and include that number of words? Is it safe to take that number of pages out of a Word document and include those? How does one calculate the length of a ten page excerpt?
Thanks for reading!!!
Oct 22, 2010
Query- Possessed (Third Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Dear Agent,
Nineteen year-old Gabriel is not supposed to remember who he is or what he has done. However, the White Horizon Research Facility experiment fails.
Everything that Gabriel thought was real turns out to be a product of radiation, electrodes, and drugs – including his identity as a young midshipman in the Napoleonic War.
Gabriel's memory returns, along with the angry voices of those that he killed five years ago. They want revenge. He wishes he could erase what he did to them.
When Gabriel and two other participants are locked in a "debriefing room", they overhear the doctors' decision to euthenize them. The study is illegal. They are not supposed to be alive and one of the other "volunteers" - Gabriel's troubled cousin - has already escaped. They find a way out, but Gabriel's cousin will not rest until she kills all three of them. Wherever they go, she finds them.
Gabriel will have to find a way to keep himself - and his new friends - alive. But nothing can save him from the guilt and remorse he feels. Everyone knows that there is no way out of eternal damnation for a killer.
Possessed is a young adult supernatural thriller with a final word count of 56,000 words.
Thank you for taking the time to review my work.
Sincerely,
Sara Flower Kjeldsen
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Dear Agent,
Nineteen year-old Gabriel is not supposed to remember who he is or what he has done. However, the White Horizon Research Facility experiment fails.
Everything that Gabriel thought was real turns out to be a product of radiation, electrodes, and drugs – including his identity as a young midshipman in the Napoleonic War.
Gabriel's memory returns, along with the angry voices of those that he killed five years ago. They want revenge. He wishes he could erase what he did to them.
When Gabriel and two other participants are locked in a "debriefing room", they overhear the doctors' decision to euthenize them. The study is illegal. They are not supposed to be alive and one of the other "volunteers" - Gabriel's troubled cousin - has already escaped. They find a way out, but Gabriel's cousin will not rest until she kills all three of them. Wherever they go, she finds them.
Gabriel will have to find a way to keep himself - and his new friends - alive. But nothing can save him from the guilt and remorse he feels. Everyone knows that there is no way out of eternal damnation for a killer.
Possessed is a young adult supernatural thriller with a final word count of 56,000 words.
Thank you for taking the time to review my work.
Sincerely,
Sara Flower Kjeldsen
Oct 21, 2010
Query- Anti-Boys
Dear Agent,
America Van Roy has had enough of boys. After having her heart broken one last time, she decides to go without guys for a year, complete with a set of rules. However, after an accident involving a PE class and a flying football lands her in a very dizzy situation, America is rescued by a knight in shining armor. End of romantic story, right?
Wrong. Caleb Bartlette, the new kid in school, who everyone can't get enough of, tries every trick in the book to get America's attention, but she's not caving. Even though she finds him charming, handsome, and impossible to avoid, America won't show anyone what's going on inside her broken heart. Only when their new friendship is threatened by a stubborn parent, who wants to pick up and move away, will America be convinced to tell the truth.
In 63,000 words, my Young Adult novel, Anti-Boys, tells the story of a girl who has to learn to trust again, after many cruel heart breaks. Some of the best Young Adult novels are written by people who are young adults themselves. As a college sophomore, I find it easy to capture their emotions and tell a realistic story. Although this is my second novel, I am currently unpublished. I hope young adult readers will fall in love with the characters of Anti-Boys and find themselves able to relate to America's problems.
Thank you for taking the time to read my letter, and I hope I have captured your interest.
America Van Roy has had enough of boys. After having her heart broken one last time, she decides to go without guys for a year, complete with a set of rules. However, after an accident involving a PE class and a flying football lands her in a very dizzy situation, America is rescued by a knight in shining armor. End of romantic story, right?
Wrong. Caleb Bartlette, the new kid in school, who everyone can't get enough of, tries every trick in the book to get America's attention, but she's not caving. Even though she finds him charming, handsome, and impossible to avoid, America won't show anyone what's going on inside her broken heart. Only when their new friendship is threatened by a stubborn parent, who wants to pick up and move away, will America be convinced to tell the truth.
In 63,000 words, my Young Adult novel, Anti-Boys, tells the story of a girl who has to learn to trust again, after many cruel heart breaks. Some of the best Young Adult novels are written by people who are young adults themselves. As a college sophomore, I find it easy to capture their emotions and tell a realistic story. Although this is my second novel, I am currently unpublished. I hope young adult readers will fall in love with the characters of Anti-Boys and find themselves able to relate to America's problems.
Thank you for taking the time to read my letter, and I hope I have captured your interest.
Oct 20, 2010
Query - MY DEMONIC LOVE (First Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear [Agent name],
Betrayed by her angelic lover, Dendera is punished to live out her days as an immortal in a mortal’s world. She has no demonic powers left and the Afterlife grows into a far memory as she searches for a way to become mortal, realizing the only person who can help her is the man who cost her everything.
Dendera finds she’s not strong enough to keep her distance from her now mortal angel, stalking Ryan in the shadows of New York City for his own protection. Emotions Dendera never experienced as a demon are running high at the idea of letting herself trust him again, but Ryan isn’t her only problem.
An evil far more ancient and violent is out for revenge and the only thing it wants from Dendera is the mortal man she’s protecting.
MY DEMONIC LOVE is a completed work of paranormal romance at 90-000 words. Enclosed I have included [whatever they want]. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Dear [Agent name],
Betrayed by her angelic lover, Dendera is punished to live out her days as an immortal in a mortal’s world. She has no demonic powers left and the Afterlife grows into a far memory as she searches for a way to become mortal, realizing the only person who can help her is the man who cost her everything.
Dendera finds she’s not strong enough to keep her distance from her now mortal angel, stalking Ryan in the shadows of New York City for his own protection. Emotions Dendera never experienced as a demon are running high at the idea of letting herself trust him again, but Ryan isn’t her only problem.
An evil far more ancient and violent is out for revenge and the only thing it wants from Dendera is the mortal man she’s protecting.
MY DEMONIC LOVE is a completed work of paranormal romance at 90-000 words. Enclosed I have included [whatever they want]. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Query: BITCH (working title:)
Dear super agent,
BITCH.
Its what the kids in high school call Lilly Parker. Dumping Keegan Williams earned her the title, but now that he has fled his abusive stepfather and sought refuge at her house, she hopes to shake the label.
But there's a kink in every plan and Lilly's got a whole knot of them.
He mother turns traitor and offers Keegan a permanent place to stay against Lilly's protests.
Keegan's renewed presence ignites old passions, but why shouldn't it? She didn't break up with him because of him. She loved Keegan. It was his stepfather she couldn't handle. So she moved on.
Despite her new boyfriend's frequent disappearances for work, she's falling in love with him. Explaining why her ex is staying with her isn't going to be fun and avoiding it isn't possible. Or so she thinks.
For Lilly, problems don't just evaporate when her boyfriend leaves town and Keegan goes to live with his grandmother, they condense down to one kidnapper waiting for her in her bedroom.
Alone and scared and locked in a cage, she will do anything to get her complicated life back. Even if it means losing both of the boys she loves and tattooing the word BITCH on her forehead. Too bad for her, things are never that easy.
BITCH is a 60,000-word young adult paranormal romance novel and available upon request.
Thank you for you consideration.
Jodi
this is very rough. Give me what you have to pick about. I appreciate suggestions for fixes. Thanks in advance.
BITCH.
Its what the kids in high school call Lilly Parker. Dumping Keegan Williams earned her the title, but now that he has fled his abusive stepfather and sought refuge at her house, she hopes to shake the label.
But there's a kink in every plan and Lilly's got a whole knot of them.
He mother turns traitor and offers Keegan a permanent place to stay against Lilly's protests.
Keegan's renewed presence ignites old passions, but why shouldn't it? She didn't break up with him because of him. She loved Keegan. It was his stepfather she couldn't handle. So she moved on.
Despite her new boyfriend's frequent disappearances for work, she's falling in love with him. Explaining why her ex is staying with her isn't going to be fun and avoiding it isn't possible. Or so she thinks.
For Lilly, problems don't just evaporate when her boyfriend leaves town and Keegan goes to live with his grandmother, they condense down to one kidnapper waiting for her in her bedroom.
Alone and scared and locked in a cage, she will do anything to get her complicated life back. Even if it means losing both of the boys she loves and tattooing the word BITCH on her forehead. Too bad for her, things are never that easy.
BITCH is a 60,000-word young adult paranormal romance novel and available upon request.
Thank you for you consideration.
Jodi
this is very rough. Give me what you have to pick about. I appreciate suggestions for fixes. Thanks in advance.
Oct 19, 2010
QUERY - THE ACADEMY
Dear Public Query Slushpile,
At thirteen years old, Lucy Gibbons has her career set. She will follow in the footsteps of her late ballerina mother and become the principal female dancer of the Montgomery Ballet in England. With the school verging on bankruptcy, what better money-maker than a young ballerina taking over where her famous dead mother left off?
Or, at least, that's what her instructors at Montgomery's have in mind. All Lucy wants to do is enjoy her first year in England - make friends, explore London, perfect her arabesque, and find one straight boy in a sea of gays.
When she snags all the good roles, however, and meets all the right people, her fellow first years turn their noses up at her. Turns out it's pretty lonely at the top. She pulls some strings amongst her newfound connections and gains her best friend Alex a supporting role. Bad move. Alex isn't what they're looking for, and if Lucy doesn't fire her, Montgomery's might garnish a bad review and lose its sponsors.
THE ACADEMY is a young adult novel of 50,000 words that follows Lucy's journey from tutus and pointe shoes to every prima ballerina's ultimate dilemma: fame or friendship? Will Lucy please her instructors and follow her dreams, or does limelight really wreck a girl's complexion?
I am a dance teacher and bookseller with a bachelor's degree in English literature. This is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
At thirteen years old, Lucy Gibbons has her career set. She will follow in the footsteps of her late ballerina mother and become the principal female dancer of the Montgomery Ballet in England. With the school verging on bankruptcy, what better money-maker than a young ballerina taking over where her famous dead mother left off?
Or, at least, that's what her instructors at Montgomery's have in mind. All Lucy wants to do is enjoy her first year in England - make friends, explore London, perfect her arabesque, and find one straight boy in a sea of gays.
When she snags all the good roles, however, and meets all the right people, her fellow first years turn their noses up at her. Turns out it's pretty lonely at the top. She pulls some strings amongst her newfound connections and gains her best friend Alex a supporting role. Bad move. Alex isn't what they're looking for, and if Lucy doesn't fire her, Montgomery's might garnish a bad review and lose its sponsors.
THE ACADEMY is a young adult novel of 50,000 words that follows Lucy's journey from tutus and pointe shoes to every prima ballerina's ultimate dilemma: fame or friendship? Will Lucy please her instructors and follow her dreams, or does limelight really wreck a girl's complexion?
I am a dance teacher and bookseller with a bachelor's degree in English literature. This is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Query - Possessed (Second revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Agent,
Fourteen year old Gabriel's parents are dead. He barely escapes from his family's burning estate and flees to a nearby forest. Gabriel defeats an armed pursuer only to be chased by another, who turns out to be a man that is not harmed by any of Gabriel's bullets.
Then, Gabriel awakens in a bright room. It is filled with people wearing long, white coats. They tell him that he volunteered at the White Horizon Research Facility for a classified psychological study two weeks ago. The program is a failure.
Gabriel`s hazy memory returns along with the angry voices that have plagued him for five years. He knows what they want, but he has no idea how to make up for the unforgiveable thing he has done.
The paranoid medical staff debates on whether or not to euthanize the study`s volunteers. Gabriel and two other participants run away from the facility. To make matters worse, an armed maniac - one of the study's ex volunteers - will not rest until she kills all three of them. Wherever they go, she finds them.
Gabriel will have to find a way to keep himself - and his new friends - alive.
Possessed is a young adult supernatural thriller that contains a final word count of 56,000 words.
Thank you for taking the time to review my work.
Sincerely,
Sara Flower Kjeldsen
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Agent,
Fourteen year old Gabriel's parents are dead. He barely escapes from his family's burning estate and flees to a nearby forest. Gabriel defeats an armed pursuer only to be chased by another, who turns out to be a man that is not harmed by any of Gabriel's bullets.
Then, Gabriel awakens in a bright room. It is filled with people wearing long, white coats. They tell him that he volunteered at the White Horizon Research Facility for a classified psychological study two weeks ago. The program is a failure.
Gabriel`s hazy memory returns along with the angry voices that have plagued him for five years. He knows what they want, but he has no idea how to make up for the unforgiveable thing he has done.
The paranoid medical staff debates on whether or not to euthanize the study`s volunteers. Gabriel and two other participants run away from the facility. To make matters worse, an armed maniac - one of the study's ex volunteers - will not rest until she kills all three of them. Wherever they go, she finds them.
Gabriel will have to find a way to keep himself - and his new friends - alive.
Possessed is a young adult supernatural thriller that contains a final word count of 56,000 words.
Thank you for taking the time to review my work.
Sincerely,
Sara Flower Kjeldsen
QUERY: THE ODD I SEE (first revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent,
I am writing to you because I read your interview on xxxxx, your submission guidelines, and (novel you represented). Please consider representing my novel The Odd I See, a 71,000-word work of slipstream fiction.
Following a half-assed stay in the loony bin and entry into the “real world” by way of graduation from college, Fifi wants to know why she ought to bother with existing.
Fifi, is twenty-two, working an underachiever’s dream job, and struggling to reconcile her worldview with modern middle-class American living. Her (maybe-imaginary) vampire lover tries to convince her that she'll become part of a constellation if she kills herself. On the other hand, her real-life boyfriend (who she met while having an adventure in pretending to be a prostitute) seems a solid case for divine intervention in a world Fifi deems just shy of apocalypse. Unsure of her continued interest in the business of existence, she uses blue (and sometimes black) humor to systematically reason her way towards the meaning of life.
An excerpt of this novel was published in the spring 2009 edition of the Newport Review literary magazine. A separate excerpt was published in the 2006 edition of Loyola University Chicago’s annual literary journal, Cadence. I very much appreciate your time and consideration in reading this letter. I have pasted the first chapter below and would be delighted to send you the rest. I can be reached by phone at xxx xxx xxxx, by e-mail at bre@jamstage.net, or by postal mail at 123 Main St.
Best regards
Bre Kidman
Dear Agent,
I am writing to you because I read your interview on xxxxx, your submission guidelines, and (novel you represented). Please consider representing my novel The Odd I See, a 71,000-word work of slipstream fiction.
Following a half-assed stay in the loony bin and entry into the “real world” by way of graduation from college, Fifi wants to know why she ought to bother with existing.
Fifi, is twenty-two, working an underachiever’s dream job, and struggling to reconcile her worldview with modern middle-class American living. Her (maybe-imaginary) vampire lover tries to convince her that she'll become part of a constellation if she kills herself. On the other hand, her real-life boyfriend (who she met while having an adventure in pretending to be a prostitute) seems a solid case for divine intervention in a world Fifi deems just shy of apocalypse. Unsure of her continued interest in the business of existence, she uses blue (and sometimes black) humor to systematically reason her way towards the meaning of life.
An excerpt of this novel was published in the spring 2009 edition of the Newport Review literary magazine. A separate excerpt was published in the 2006 edition of Loyola University Chicago’s annual literary journal, Cadence. I very much appreciate your time and consideration in reading this letter. I have pasted the first chapter below and would be delighted to send you the rest. I can be reached by phone at xxx xxx xxxx, by e-mail at bre@jamstage.net, or by postal mail at 123 Main St.
Best regards
Bre Kidman
Oct 18, 2010
Query - My Demonic Love
Dear [Agent name],
Stalking a mortal is easy for a demon, especially one who has been doing it for so long. Punished to live out her days as an immortal in a mortal’s world, Dendera’s grown tired of this empty life on Earth and the only person who can help her is the mortal reincarnate of her angelic lover, a man who cost her everything.
Dendera is drawn to Ryan like a moth to a flame, protecting him from his violent past and watching over him from afar, but she doesn’t know if she’ll be able to trust him again. Emotions Dendera never experienced as a demon are running high at the idea of letting herself fall prey to his charms, but Ryan isn’t her only problem.
An evil far more ancient is out for revenge and the only thing it wants from Dendera is the mortal man she’s protecting.
MY DEMONIC LOVE is a completed work of paranormal romance at 90-000 words. I am an active member in the Las Vegas Romance Writer’s chapter of Romance Writer’s of America. Thank you for your time and consideration. Enclosed I have included, at your request, [whatever they want]. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Stalking a mortal is easy for a demon, especially one who has been doing it for so long. Punished to live out her days as an immortal in a mortal’s world, Dendera’s grown tired of this empty life on Earth and the only person who can help her is the mortal reincarnate of her angelic lover, a man who cost her everything.
Dendera is drawn to Ryan like a moth to a flame, protecting him from his violent past and watching over him from afar, but she doesn’t know if she’ll be able to trust him again. Emotions Dendera never experienced as a demon are running high at the idea of letting herself fall prey to his charms, but Ryan isn’t her only problem.
An evil far more ancient is out for revenge and the only thing it wants from Dendera is the mortal man she’s protecting.
MY DEMONIC LOVE is a completed work of paranormal romance at 90-000 words. I am an active member in the Las Vegas Romance Writer’s chapter of Romance Writer’s of America. Thank you for your time and consideration. Enclosed I have included, at your request, [whatever they want]. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
QUERY- DANCING OVER HELL
Dear Public Query Slushpile:
I am seeking representation for my 89,000 word urban fantasy, DANCING OVER HELL. I’m writing you because of XXXXX and thought you might be interested in my novel. DANCING OVER HELL is told from the point of view of Liam Michaels, an earthbound archangel. As he shares ice cream with his partner Dani Suskind, an angelic assassin, on a lazy summer afternoon, the calm is shattered by the screams of a girl coming through the broken window of a two-flat. The two explode into the apartment to find four men holding a naked young girl while a fifth stands with his pants around his knees, an unfortunate position to be in when two pissed off angels are standing in the doorway. Seconds later, two of the assailants are dead, two are unconscious, and pants-around-his-knees is a eunuch.
After interrogating the captives, Liam and Dani discover they are part of an international sex trafficking ring. But this organization is run by a demon with inter-dimensional traveling ability, a talent Liam thought only he possessed. When they follow the trail of the traffickers from the streets of Chicago to Rome, Bangkok, Mumbai, and Nepal, the human and angelic body count rises and Liam teeters on the brink of a fall as he reels out of control, questioning the goodness of his omniscient, omnipotent boss.
DANCING OVER HELL is based in this world and blends the reality and horror of the sex trafficking industry with a supernatural twist to its cause. Since I am a scientist and vice president of research for a biotechnology company, there is also a technological bent. Think of a fusion of Jim Butcher with Clive Cussler.
Professionally, I have a doctorate in medical microbiology and have published over sixty peer-reviewed articles and two book chapters. As per your instruction on query submissions, I have attached XXX for your review. Please let me know if you would be interested in reading more. Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely yours,
Mike
I am seeking representation for my 89,000 word urban fantasy, DANCING OVER HELL. I’m writing you because of XXXXX and thought you might be interested in my novel. DANCING OVER HELL is told from the point of view of Liam Michaels, an earthbound archangel. As he shares ice cream with his partner Dani Suskind, an angelic assassin, on a lazy summer afternoon, the calm is shattered by the screams of a girl coming through the broken window of a two-flat. The two explode into the apartment to find four men holding a naked young girl while a fifth stands with his pants around his knees, an unfortunate position to be in when two pissed off angels are standing in the doorway. Seconds later, two of the assailants are dead, two are unconscious, and pants-around-his-knees is a eunuch.
After interrogating the captives, Liam and Dani discover they are part of an international sex trafficking ring. But this organization is run by a demon with inter-dimensional traveling ability, a talent Liam thought only he possessed. When they follow the trail of the traffickers from the streets of Chicago to Rome, Bangkok, Mumbai, and Nepal, the human and angelic body count rises and Liam teeters on the brink of a fall as he reels out of control, questioning the goodness of his omniscient, omnipotent boss.
DANCING OVER HELL is based in this world and blends the reality and horror of the sex trafficking industry with a supernatural twist to its cause. Since I am a scientist and vice president of research for a biotechnology company, there is also a technological bent. Think of a fusion of Jim Butcher with Clive Cussler.
Professionally, I have a doctorate in medical microbiology and have published over sixty peer-reviewed articles and two book chapters. As per your instruction on query submissions, I have attached XXX for your review. Please let me know if you would be interested in reading more. Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely yours,
Mike
Oct 17, 2010
Query DAGGER
Dear Agent,
Thirteen-year-old Nathan Dagger must transform himself from a chubby video gaming geek, into a strong and fearless warrior.
OPAL, a secret society, believes Nathan is the chosen one. It was foreseen in a vision that a powerful channel exists in his mind that will allow him to lock on to their ruthless enemy, Zafaar. To be certain, they watch through Nathan’s eyes and listen through his ears, using a monitoring device they implanted in his brain.
When the time is right an elaborate plan of deception is set into place to test and train Nathan. He is tried both physically and mentally for ten agonizing weeks to see if he has what it takes to be a member of OPAL. Throughout his trials, and radical metamorphosis Nathan must discover the awesome power and the terrible curse of his hidden gifts. Only then can he enter the mysterious world of OPAL, where modern technology is merged with psychic abilities to fight evil.
Deep underground in OPAL’s command center Nathan is told the startling truth about his father, James and why he was murdered by Zafaar. Now Nathan must decide if he will risk his life too and join forces with OPAL to stop Zafaar from inciting his master plan of overthrowing human civilization and ruling over a world of chaos, fear, and darkness.
DAGGER is an 86,000 word paranormal Young Adult Novel. Thank you for your consideration.
Thirteen-year-old Nathan Dagger must transform himself from a chubby video gaming geek, into a strong and fearless warrior.
OPAL, a secret society, believes Nathan is the chosen one. It was foreseen in a vision that a powerful channel exists in his mind that will allow him to lock on to their ruthless enemy, Zafaar. To be certain, they watch through Nathan’s eyes and listen through his ears, using a monitoring device they implanted in his brain.
When the time is right an elaborate plan of deception is set into place to test and train Nathan. He is tried both physically and mentally for ten agonizing weeks to see if he has what it takes to be a member of OPAL. Throughout his trials, and radical metamorphosis Nathan must discover the awesome power and the terrible curse of his hidden gifts. Only then can he enter the mysterious world of OPAL, where modern technology is merged with psychic abilities to fight evil.
Deep underground in OPAL’s command center Nathan is told the startling truth about his father, James and why he was murdered by Zafaar. Now Nathan must decide if he will risk his life too and join forces with OPAL to stop Zafaar from inciting his master plan of overthrowing human civilization and ruling over a world of chaos, fear, and darkness.
DAGGER is an 86,000 word paranormal Young Adult Novel. Thank you for your consideration.
Oct 16, 2010
Query- Possessed (revised)
Click here to read the original query.
Hello again! I am ready to submit the second draft of my query letter for Possessed. Thanks for all your help. :)
Dear Agent So-and-So,
After fighting in the Napoleonic Wars for two years, battle hungry Gabriel is now stuck at home with a father forbids him to return to sea. His anger evaporates when he hears voices in a dark room filled with locked cabinets. The strong pull that Gabriel feels from that room is interrupted when his family`s estate is burned to the ground with his parents trapped inside.
Gabriel flees to a nearby forest where he fights a seemingly invincible, ghostlike pursuer. Just as strange, the day suddenly darkens to a starless night.
Gabriel thinks he’s gone insane, but he awakens in a bright room filled with people wearing long, white coats. They tell him that he volunteered at the White Horizon Research Facility for a classified potential breakthrough study two weeks ago. He has no recollection of signing up for the study, and listens as the scientists tell him about his failures.
As Gabriel`s hazy memory returns, he realizes that he is a murderer trying to escape from his past. The angry voices of those he killed five years ago have been plaguing him since that fateful day.
To make matters worse, the paranoid medical staff debate on whether or not to euthanize the study`s volunteers while an armed maniac will not rest until she kills Gabriel. He’ll have to find a way to stay alive—without reverting to his murderous ways.
Possessed is a supernatural thriller that contains a final word count of 56,000 words.
Thank you for taking the time to review my work.
Sincerely,
Sara Flower Kjeldsen
Hello again! I am ready to submit the second draft of my query letter for Possessed. Thanks for all your help. :)
Dear Agent So-and-So,
After fighting in the Napoleonic Wars for two years, battle hungry Gabriel is now stuck at home with a father forbids him to return to sea. His anger evaporates when he hears voices in a dark room filled with locked cabinets. The strong pull that Gabriel feels from that room is interrupted when his family`s estate is burned to the ground with his parents trapped inside.
Gabriel flees to a nearby forest where he fights a seemingly invincible, ghostlike pursuer. Just as strange, the day suddenly darkens to a starless night.
Gabriel thinks he’s gone insane, but he awakens in a bright room filled with people wearing long, white coats. They tell him that he volunteered at the White Horizon Research Facility for a classified potential breakthrough study two weeks ago. He has no recollection of signing up for the study, and listens as the scientists tell him about his failures.
As Gabriel`s hazy memory returns, he realizes that he is a murderer trying to escape from his past. The angry voices of those he killed five years ago have been plaguing him since that fateful day.
To make matters worse, the paranoid medical staff debate on whether or not to euthanize the study`s volunteers while an armed maniac will not rest until she kills Gabriel. He’ll have to find a way to stay alive—without reverting to his murderous ways.
Possessed is a supernatural thriller that contains a final word count of 56,000 words.
Thank you for taking the time to review my work.
Sincerely,
Sara Flower Kjeldsen
QUERY: BLOOD RUBY OBSESSION
Dear Public Query Slushpile,
One would think that every Princess is born with a ready-made fairytale life complete with a happy-ever-after ending. But clearly that isn’t the case, for why then does seventeen year-old Princess Maia’s life turn out to be so disagreeable with her own desires? If a Princess’ life were to be perfect, then why did her father arrange for her to marry the Prince of Pelear without her consent? And as though life couldn’t possibly get any worse for Princess Maia, her father is demanding for her immediate departure to Pelear.
Enraged, confused and hurt, Princess Maia is sure that her father’s reason for sending her to Pelear is to finalize her marriage to Prince Sealtiel, Pelear’s Prince.
However, just before she leaves her kingdom, her father reveals the true cause for her unplanned journey; she needs Prince Sealtiel’s protection. He informs her that an unidentified adversary is attacking Citrine and is after the Blood Ruby, their most prized treasure. As the keeper of the Blood Ruby it is Princess Maia’s duty to keep it protected at all times, or else Citrine’s entire civilization will cease to exist.
When Princess Maia successfully slips into the dangerous Mystical Forest of Memron, the only safe path to Pelear, she breathes a sigh of relief. But she soon learns that letting her guard down inside the Mystical Forest of Memron is a reckless move when she is faced with a perilous situation that almost ends her life. Lucky for her a renegade warrior from Pelear named Ralph, who has been hiding inside the forest, saves her just in time.
Ralph becomes her protector though he seems to loathe his task. But as they journey deeper into the forest, Ralph confesses that his loathing has turned to love. Princess Maia is aware that a relationship with Ralph is forbidden, as she is engaged to his Prince. However, she finds herself incapable of warding off his affections for she feels the same way about him.
Princess Maia’s love for Ralph and her duty to her citizens conflicts her, knowing that to acknowledge one, is an instant rejection of the other. But as though fate wanted her life to be more complicated, she learns about Ralph’s secret which makes her question the sincerity of his love.
Her mistrust for Ralph makes her act carelessly. Her tactless action lands her straight into the arms of the mysterious enemy she has been trying to elude.
Princess Maia is captured and taken to Scapia, where she encounters Malvar, the man responsible for attacking her kingdom. Though a skilled warrior herself, Princess Maia is powerless against Malvar whose obsession for the Blood Ruby has driven him mad. Her only chance of escape is dependent upon the man she had doubted.
Will Ralph become her avenging knight and save her once more? Or, had her mistrust for him robbed her life of a happy-ever-after ending?
THE BLOOD RUBY OBSESSION is my first novel. This YA fantasy is complete at 108, 000 words. I would be glad to send you my full manuscript upon request.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Freeverse
One would think that every Princess is born with a ready-made fairytale life complete with a happy-ever-after ending. But clearly that isn’t the case, for why then does seventeen year-old Princess Maia’s life turn out to be so disagreeable with her own desires? If a Princess’ life were to be perfect, then why did her father arrange for her to marry the Prince of Pelear without her consent? And as though life couldn’t possibly get any worse for Princess Maia, her father is demanding for her immediate departure to Pelear.
Enraged, confused and hurt, Princess Maia is sure that her father’s reason for sending her to Pelear is to finalize her marriage to Prince Sealtiel, Pelear’s Prince.
However, just before she leaves her kingdom, her father reveals the true cause for her unplanned journey; she needs Prince Sealtiel’s protection. He informs her that an unidentified adversary is attacking Citrine and is after the Blood Ruby, their most prized treasure. As the keeper of the Blood Ruby it is Princess Maia’s duty to keep it protected at all times, or else Citrine’s entire civilization will cease to exist.
When Princess Maia successfully slips into the dangerous Mystical Forest of Memron, the only safe path to Pelear, she breathes a sigh of relief. But she soon learns that letting her guard down inside the Mystical Forest of Memron is a reckless move when she is faced with a perilous situation that almost ends her life. Lucky for her a renegade warrior from Pelear named Ralph, who has been hiding inside the forest, saves her just in time.
Ralph becomes her protector though he seems to loathe his task. But as they journey deeper into the forest, Ralph confesses that his loathing has turned to love. Princess Maia is aware that a relationship with Ralph is forbidden, as she is engaged to his Prince. However, she finds herself incapable of warding off his affections for she feels the same way about him.
Princess Maia’s love for Ralph and her duty to her citizens conflicts her, knowing that to acknowledge one, is an instant rejection of the other. But as though fate wanted her life to be more complicated, she learns about Ralph’s secret which makes her question the sincerity of his love.
Her mistrust for Ralph makes her act carelessly. Her tactless action lands her straight into the arms of the mysterious enemy she has been trying to elude.
Princess Maia is captured and taken to Scapia, where she encounters Malvar, the man responsible for attacking her kingdom. Though a skilled warrior herself, Princess Maia is powerless against Malvar whose obsession for the Blood Ruby has driven him mad. Her only chance of escape is dependent upon the man she had doubted.
Will Ralph become her avenging knight and save her once more? Or, had her mistrust for him robbed her life of a happy-ever-after ending?
THE BLOOD RUBY OBSESSION is my first novel. This YA fantasy is complete at 108, 000 words. I would be glad to send you my full manuscript upon request.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Freeverse
QUERY- SQUIRT
Dear Agent,
Dogs and cats were never meant to be friends, but that didn't stop Squirt and Aubie. They didn't know, nor did they care. Squirt is a coal-black, wild haired puppy and Aubie, is an orange-and-white c-a-t. They are best friends and out to enjoy their world.
In this volume, Squirt and Aubie join together with Taylor, their twelve-year-old caretaker, who just happens to be a ballerina, for the twirl of a lifetime. With matching tutus, they spin round and round, twirling and leaping just like professional ballerinas. As the music is ending, they nail their last pose and the audience is up applauding for more.
In rhymed couplets, SQUIRT is complete at 409-words, targeting an audience of 2- through 9- year olds. Although this is my first picture book manuscript, I am a member of SCBWI. My inspiration comes straight out of the texture of my life as a kindergarten teacher, owner of my own business, and mother of a ballerina.
This and three other SQUIRT stories are fully finished, while the fifth is nearing completion. Per your instructions I am including (Whatever they ask). This is a simultaneous submission. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
This is my manuscript. I didn't double space due to length here but I will when I submit. Thank you in advance for all your help.
Squirt
My name is Squirt. I’m as black as night,
With long wavy hair that shoots left and right.
My eyes are brown and my tongue is pink,
With a small black dot that’s kinda cute, I think.
My best friend is Aubie. He isn’t like me.
Orange and white striped, and spelled C-A-T.
He’s very bouncy, even sneaky at times,
With eyes that are green, a pretty green, almost lime.
We are a very odd couple, everyone agrees,
But we’re exactly the same size, and love macaroni and cheese.
Aubie and I, we love to play.
We play outside almost everyday.
We run and jump, roll and twirl.
We hop and skip, tumble and whirl.
In the afternoon, when Taylor’s work is done,
She walks us around the block. Oh, what fun!
Taylor is my mommy. She’ll be twelve soon.
She feeds me, loves me and reads me cartoons.
Her favorite is ballet. I love it too.
What do you think of our matching tutus?
All dressed up, we perform a show.
Round and round, like ballerinas, on their toes.
Our bodies very straight, toes pointed to the side,
Our arms out in front and remember, now glide.
We move left and right, across the stage we go,
We try to look graceful, all together in a row.
Twirling and leaping, on our feet and then our toes,
And as the music slows down, we do our last pose.
The shows over now, we bow, and then smile,
The audience is standing up, applauding, in the aisles.
Our family brings us flowers, isn’t that sweet?
A treat, for us being so light on our feet.
Now what to do, any thoughts in mind?
What games do you like? What’s your favorite kind?
We love to play dolls, to skate and ride bikes,
Playing with trucks, reading books and going on hikes.
There’s so much to do, the days are so short,
I guess we’ll have to wait, no time to build a fort.
It’s getting dark outside, and night time is coming,
All of a sudden my tummy is rumbling.
Supper time is here! We love to eat.
We clean our plate, so we can get a treat.
After we’ve eaten, its time to go to bed,
But all of today’s fun is swimming in my head.
I can’t wait till tomorrow. What will we do?
Will we play chase and swim, or maybe go to the zoo?
Dogs and cats were never meant to be friends, but that didn't stop Squirt and Aubie. They didn't know, nor did they care. Squirt is a coal-black, wild haired puppy and Aubie, is an orange-and-white c-a-t. They are best friends and out to enjoy their world.
In this volume, Squirt and Aubie join together with Taylor, their twelve-year-old caretaker, who just happens to be a ballerina, for the twirl of a lifetime. With matching tutus, they spin round and round, twirling and leaping just like professional ballerinas. As the music is ending, they nail their last pose and the audience is up applauding for more.
In rhymed couplets, SQUIRT is complete at 409-words, targeting an audience of 2- through 9- year olds. Although this is my first picture book manuscript, I am a member of SCBWI. My inspiration comes straight out of the texture of my life as a kindergarten teacher, owner of my own business, and mother of a ballerina.
This and three other SQUIRT stories are fully finished, while the fifth is nearing completion. Per your instructions I am including (Whatever they ask). This is a simultaneous submission. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
This is my manuscript. I didn't double space due to length here but I will when I submit. Thank you in advance for all your help.
Squirt
My name is Squirt. I’m as black as night,
With long wavy hair that shoots left and right.
My eyes are brown and my tongue is pink,
With a small black dot that’s kinda cute, I think.
My best friend is Aubie. He isn’t like me.
Orange and white striped, and spelled C-A-T.
He’s very bouncy, even sneaky at times,
With eyes that are green, a pretty green, almost lime.
We are a very odd couple, everyone agrees,
But we’re exactly the same size, and love macaroni and cheese.
Aubie and I, we love to play.
We play outside almost everyday.
We run and jump, roll and twirl.
We hop and skip, tumble and whirl.
In the afternoon, when Taylor’s work is done,
She walks us around the block. Oh, what fun!
Taylor is my mommy. She’ll be twelve soon.
She feeds me, loves me and reads me cartoons.
Her favorite is ballet. I love it too.
What do you think of our matching tutus?
All dressed up, we perform a show.
Round and round, like ballerinas, on their toes.
Our bodies very straight, toes pointed to the side,
Our arms out in front and remember, now glide.
We move left and right, across the stage we go,
We try to look graceful, all together in a row.
Twirling and leaping, on our feet and then our toes,
And as the music slows down, we do our last pose.
The shows over now, we bow, and then smile,
The audience is standing up, applauding, in the aisles.
Our family brings us flowers, isn’t that sweet?
A treat, for us being so light on our feet.
Now what to do, any thoughts in mind?
What games do you like? What’s your favorite kind?
We love to play dolls, to skate and ride bikes,
Playing with trucks, reading books and going on hikes.
There’s so much to do, the days are so short,
I guess we’ll have to wait, no time to build a fort.
It’s getting dark outside, and night time is coming,
All of a sudden my tummy is rumbling.
Supper time is here! We love to eat.
We clean our plate, so we can get a treat.
After we’ve eaten, its time to go to bed,
But all of today’s fun is swimming in my head.
I can’t wait till tomorrow. What will we do?
Will we play chase and swim, or maybe go to the zoo?
Oct 15, 2010
Amish, Vamps & Thieves
Dear Agent Person:
Anne Levy still considers herself Amish though she’s a vampire. When her brother, Thomas, pleads for her help with the thing mutilating the local farmers’ livestock, she goes home to Millersburg, Ohio, for the first time in over sixty years. But even she’s stumped. Neither the developers after the prime land or the werecoyotes spotted in the area have glowing red eyes or leaves weird tri-cornered bite marks. And it doesn’t help when Thomas’s well-meaning lawyer interferes with her investigation.
When attorney Colin Fitzgerald fled Philadelphia after accident that killed his brother and crippled his nephew, he thought he’d found peace in Millersburg, Ohio. But a simple land battle turns deadly when someone starts killing his Amish clients, not just their animals. Then there’s the mysterious woman he sees roaming Thomas Levy’s property at night. Hoping to catch the culprit behind the murders, Colin follows her one evening and saves her from a demonic creature. But who’s going to save him from the Amish cutie with fangs?
Amish, Vamps & Thieves is a 75,000-word paranormal romance.
Anne Levy still considers herself Amish though she’s a vampire. When her brother, Thomas, pleads for her help with the thing mutilating the local farmers’ livestock, she goes home to Millersburg, Ohio, for the first time in over sixty years. But even she’s stumped. Neither the developers after the prime land or the werecoyotes spotted in the area have glowing red eyes or leaves weird tri-cornered bite marks. And it doesn’t help when Thomas’s well-meaning lawyer interferes with her investigation.
When attorney Colin Fitzgerald fled Philadelphia after accident that killed his brother and crippled his nephew, he thought he’d found peace in Millersburg, Ohio. But a simple land battle turns deadly when someone starts killing his Amish clients, not just their animals. Then there’s the mysterious woman he sees roaming Thomas Levy’s property at night. Hoping to catch the culprit behind the murders, Colin follows her one evening and saves her from a demonic creature. But who’s going to save him from the Amish cutie with fangs?
Amish, Vamps & Thieves is a 75,000-word paranormal romance.
Query- STEAM PALACE (revised)
Click here to read the original query.
Sometimes meeting your Evil Twin makes you wonder which one you are.
In the world of STEAM PALACE, New England shunned the Revolution and formed the Kingdom of New Britannia. In 1878, twins are separated at birth, one to live with her abusive mother in poverty, the other raised as a favored daughter of the court. Twenty-three years later, the ‘courtly’ twin has lost her title, her lands, and the only means of supporting her family, so she travels to Hartford where she meets her double--and it’s hate at first sight. The twins view each other as the enemy, the ‘evil twin.’ To restore her family’s station, the ‘courtly’ twin seeks the hand of an ambitious Duke, but her sister is his secret lover. The Duke pits the twins against each other while he plots with their country’s enemies in search of the mythical Sea Key. As enemy heavy dirigible bombers approach their respective homes, the twins must first overcome their mutual loathing, and then use their shared ‘mad passion’ to defeat the Duke and save New Britannia from steam-powered invaders by finding the Sea Key and unlocking its power.
STEAM PALACE, a Steampunk Adventure, is complete at 120,000 words. I have completed a creative writing certificate course at the University of Washington, completed Holly Lisle’s “How To Revise Your Novel” online course, and I co-host a local critique group.
---
A couple other ideas for the hook line:
You meet your Evil Twin...but who’s to say you aren’t the evil one?
Mutually Assured Destruction is not how twins should treat each other.
Thanks for your input!
I think it can/should be shortened even more. What do you think?
Sometimes meeting your Evil Twin makes you wonder which one you are.
In the world of STEAM PALACE, New England shunned the Revolution and formed the Kingdom of New Britannia. In 1878, twins are separated at birth, one to live with her abusive mother in poverty, the other raised as a favored daughter of the court. Twenty-three years later, the ‘courtly’ twin has lost her title, her lands, and the only means of supporting her family, so she travels to Hartford where she meets her double--and it’s hate at first sight. The twins view each other as the enemy, the ‘evil twin.’ To restore her family’s station, the ‘courtly’ twin seeks the hand of an ambitious Duke, but her sister is his secret lover. The Duke pits the twins against each other while he plots with their country’s enemies in search of the mythical Sea Key. As enemy heavy dirigible bombers approach their respective homes, the twins must first overcome their mutual loathing, and then use their shared ‘mad passion’ to defeat the Duke and save New Britannia from steam-powered invaders by finding the Sea Key and unlocking its power.
STEAM PALACE, a Steampunk Adventure, is complete at 120,000 words. I have completed a creative writing certificate course at the University of Washington, completed Holly Lisle’s “How To Revise Your Novel” online course, and I co-host a local critique group.
---
A couple other ideas for the hook line:
You meet your Evil Twin...but who’s to say you aren’t the evil one?
Mutually Assured Destruction is not how twins should treat each other.
Thanks for your input!
I think it can/should be shortened even more. What do you think?
Oct 13, 2010
Query - All Because of You (Second Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Awesome Future Agent,
Forced to kill for sport until the age of sixteen, Adelaide Banvard has been kept at the side of Christian Wren, one of the most powerful men in Los Angeles and the man she feels indebted to for saving her life. For ten years she’s obeyed his every command and whim, the schizophrenic monster in her head enjoying every moment of pain and every drop of blood on her hands. But Adelaide finally has the chance to escape this life of violence.
Her opportunity comes in the form of ATF Agent Marcus Grant, a man whose assignment is to apprehend Wren, the suspected leader behind one of the largest gun-running operations California has ever seen. Adelaide’s loyalties are tested at every turn as she fights her way out of Wren’s organization and the attraction she hides for the undercover ATF agent who wants her behind bars for murder.
ALL BECAUSE OF YOU is an 85,000 word suspense. I have a degree from Utah Valley University in the field of Psychology, owning accurate knowledge on the subject of schizophrenia and would be glad to send you my complete manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Regards,
Me
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Awesome Future Agent,
Forced to kill for sport until the age of sixteen, Adelaide Banvard has been kept at the side of Christian Wren, one of the most powerful men in Los Angeles and the man she feels indebted to for saving her life. For ten years she’s obeyed his every command and whim, the schizophrenic monster in her head enjoying every moment of pain and every drop of blood on her hands. But Adelaide finally has the chance to escape this life of violence.
Her opportunity comes in the form of ATF Agent Marcus Grant, a man whose assignment is to apprehend Wren, the suspected leader behind one of the largest gun-running operations California has ever seen. Adelaide’s loyalties are tested at every turn as she fights her way out of Wren’s organization and the attraction she hides for the undercover ATF agent who wants her behind bars for murder.
ALL BECAUSE OF YOU is an 85,000 word suspense. I have a degree from Utah Valley University in the field of Psychology, owning accurate knowledge on the subject of schizophrenia and would be glad to send you my complete manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Regards,
Me
QUERY: The Odd I See
Dear Agent,
I am writing to you because I read your interview on XYZ, your submission guidelines, and (novel you represented). Please consider representing my novel The Odd I See, a 71,000-word work of slipstream fiction.
Following a falling out with her favorite hallucination, a half-assed stay in the loony bin, and entry into the “real world” by way of graduation from college, Fifi wants to know what the meaning of life is… and she wants to know immediately.
Fifi, The Odd I See’s narrator, is twenty-two, working an underachiever’s dream job, and struggling to reconcile her worldview with modern middle-class American living. Something about the combination of what her overbearing mother, pothead friends, and (likely imaginary) vampire lover are telling her isn’t quite jiving with what she thought the world would be like. Not entirely sure she wants to continue doing the whole “existence-thing,” she gives herself a month to reason her way through it piece-by-piece. Meanwhile, Byron (the soulmate Fifi discovers in the midst of an adventure in pretending to be a prostitute) tries to keep her from stumbling over the pitfalls of a society that claims mental illness explains her dysphoria… and out of the clutches of a vampire only she can see.
An excerpt of this novel was published in the spring 2009 edition of the Newport Review literary magazine. A separate excerpt was published in the 2006 edition of Loyola University Chicago’s annual literary journal, Cadence. I was editor-in-chief of Cadence in 2009 and, from 2006 to 2008, I was editor-in-chief of Loyola University Chicago’s quarterly literary arts magazine, Diminuendo. I very much appreciate your time and consideration in reading this letter. I have pasted the first chapter below and would be delighted to send you the rest. I can be reached by phone at xxx xxx xxxx, by e-mail at bre@jamstage.net, or by postal mail at 123 XYZ st.
Best regards
Bre Kidman
I am writing to you because I read your interview on XYZ, your submission guidelines, and (novel you represented). Please consider representing my novel The Odd I See, a 71,000-word work of slipstream fiction.
Following a falling out with her favorite hallucination, a half-assed stay in the loony bin, and entry into the “real world” by way of graduation from college, Fifi wants to know what the meaning of life is… and she wants to know immediately.
Fifi, The Odd I See’s narrator, is twenty-two, working an underachiever’s dream job, and struggling to reconcile her worldview with modern middle-class American living. Something about the combination of what her overbearing mother, pothead friends, and (likely imaginary) vampire lover are telling her isn’t quite jiving with what she thought the world would be like. Not entirely sure she wants to continue doing the whole “existence-thing,” she gives herself a month to reason her way through it piece-by-piece. Meanwhile, Byron (the soulmate Fifi discovers in the midst of an adventure in pretending to be a prostitute) tries to keep her from stumbling over the pitfalls of a society that claims mental illness explains her dysphoria… and out of the clutches of a vampire only she can see.
An excerpt of this novel was published in the spring 2009 edition of the Newport Review literary magazine. A separate excerpt was published in the 2006 edition of Loyola University Chicago’s annual literary journal, Cadence. I was editor-in-chief of Cadence in 2009 and, from 2006 to 2008, I was editor-in-chief of Loyola University Chicago’s quarterly literary arts magazine, Diminuendo. I very much appreciate your time and consideration in reading this letter. I have pasted the first chapter below and would be delighted to send you the rest. I can be reached by phone at xxx xxx xxxx, by e-mail at bre@jamstage.net, or by postal mail at 123 XYZ st.
Best regards
Bre Kidman
Oct 11, 2010
Query - All Because of You (First Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Forced to kill for sport until the age of sixteen, Adelaide Banvard has been kept at the side of Christian Wren, one of the most powerful men in Los Angeles and the man who saved her life. For ten years she’s obeyed his every command and whim, the schizophrenic monster in her head enjoying every moment of pain and every drop of blood on her hands. But Adelaide finally has the chance to escape this life of violence. Her opportunity comes in the form of ATF Agent Marcus Grant, a man whose assignment is to apprehend Wren, the suspected leader behind one of the largest gun-running operations California has ever seen. Adelaide’s loyalties are tested at every turn as she fights her way out of Wren’s organization, the power Wren holds over her and the attraction she hides for the undercover ATF agent who wants her behind bars for murder.
ALL BECAUSE OF YOU is an 85,000 word contemporary and suspenseful women’s fiction novel. I am an active member in the Las Vegas Romance Writer’s chapter of Romance Writer’s of America and have a degree from Utah Valley University in the field of Psychology. I have accurate knowledge on the subject of schizophrenia and would be glad to send you my complete manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Me
Forced to kill for sport until the age of sixteen, Adelaide Banvard has been kept at the side of Christian Wren, one of the most powerful men in Los Angeles and the man who saved her life. For ten years she’s obeyed his every command and whim, the schizophrenic monster in her head enjoying every moment of pain and every drop of blood on her hands. But Adelaide finally has the chance to escape this life of violence. Her opportunity comes in the form of ATF Agent Marcus Grant, a man whose assignment is to apprehend Wren, the suspected leader behind one of the largest gun-running operations California has ever seen. Adelaide’s loyalties are tested at every turn as she fights her way out of Wren’s organization, the power Wren holds over her and the attraction she hides for the undercover ATF agent who wants her behind bars for murder.
ALL BECAUSE OF YOU is an 85,000 word contemporary and suspenseful women’s fiction novel. I am an active member in the Las Vegas Romance Writer’s chapter of Romance Writer’s of America and have a degree from Utah Valley University in the field of Psychology. I have accurate knowledge on the subject of schizophrenia and would be glad to send you my complete manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Me
QUERY- MAD AS A HATTER (revision 4)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Dear Awesome Agent,
London, 1882.
Seven years ago, Emil Aleric and his sister were kidnapped. Emil survived. His sister didn't. So when he hears news of a serial killer rampaging London, he's convinced that his former abductor is on the move again. The peculiarities of the murders-- a note quoting Alice in Wonderland is found at each scene-- go hand in hand with the name his tormentor fashioned for himself: The Hatter. When his guardian, Officer Corwin James, is put in charge of the case, Emil thinks it must be fate.
Corwin's not to keen on Emil having anything to do with the case, but Emil's extensive knowledge of the murderer's methods is too invaluable to waste. Yet as the two get closer and closer to tracking the man down, Emil realizes exactly what confronting his past will mean. He can live with the nightmares. But if he fails to avenge his sister's death, he doesn't know how he'll live with himself-- if he lives at all.
Complete at 51,000 words, MAD AS A HATTER is a YA historical novel written in alternating points of view. Thank you very much for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Tally
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Dear Awesome Agent,
London, 1882.
Seven years ago, Emil Aleric and his sister were kidnapped. Emil survived. His sister didn't. So when he hears news of a serial killer rampaging London, he's convinced that his former abductor is on the move again. The peculiarities of the murders-- a note quoting Alice in Wonderland is found at each scene-- go hand in hand with the name his tormentor fashioned for himself: The Hatter. When his guardian, Officer Corwin James, is put in charge of the case, Emil thinks it must be fate.
Corwin's not to keen on Emil having anything to do with the case, but Emil's extensive knowledge of the murderer's methods is too invaluable to waste. Yet as the two get closer and closer to tracking the man down, Emil realizes exactly what confronting his past will mean. He can live with the nightmares. But if he fails to avenge his sister's death, he doesn't know how he'll live with himself-- if he lives at all.
Complete at 51,000 words, MAD AS A HATTER is a YA historical novel written in alternating points of view. Thank you very much for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Tally
Oct 10, 2010
Query - All Because of You
Dear [Agent name],
I am writing to you because I believe my 85,000-word contemporary suspenseful women’s fiction novel, ALL BECAUSE OF YOU, would be appropriate for your agency.
Kidnapped at the age of seven, Adelaide Banvard has been forced to kill her entire life. She’s kept at the side of Christian Wren, one of the most powerful men in Los Angeles, but after ten years, finally has a chance to escape. Her opportunity comes in the form of ATF Agent Marcus Grant, a man whose assignment is to apprehend the leader behind one of the largest local gun running operations California has ever seen. His loyalties are tested at every turn as he fights his way through Wren’s organization and his second-in-command. But Adelaide isn’t everything she seems. Her schizophrenic mind, superb combat skills and exquisite beauty fascinate Marcus beyond control, leading his investigation into hot water and into Adelaide’s own little world.
Thank you for your time and consideration...blah blah blah.
Sincerely,
Me
I am writing to you because I believe my 85,000-word contemporary suspenseful women’s fiction novel, ALL BECAUSE OF YOU, would be appropriate for your agency.
Kidnapped at the age of seven, Adelaide Banvard has been forced to kill her entire life. She’s kept at the side of Christian Wren, one of the most powerful men in Los Angeles, but after ten years, finally has a chance to escape. Her opportunity comes in the form of ATF Agent Marcus Grant, a man whose assignment is to apprehend the leader behind one of the largest local gun running operations California has ever seen. His loyalties are tested at every turn as he fights his way through Wren’s organization and his second-in-command. But Adelaide isn’t everything she seems. Her schizophrenic mind, superb combat skills and exquisite beauty fascinate Marcus beyond control, leading his investigation into hot water and into Adelaide’s own little world.
Thank you for your time and consideration...blah blah blah.
Sincerely,
Me
Oct 8, 2010
Query- Second Hand News (revised)
Click here to read the original query.
As promised, I am back.
Dear Agent:
Second Hand News, my 80,000 word humorous women's fiction is about new beginnings.
When Gail Goldblum's arranged marriage fails, she moves into grandma Bubbie's two-room apartment in the Washington Heights neighborhood of Manhattan, one floor below her parents and loses herself in romance novels and the dream of happily-ever-after.
Gail's family immediately begins the search for her next husband, while she reunites with several old schoolmates, has wild sex with two Princeton "boys," joins a romance book club, washes out of a pottery class and uses her wit and talent to find a new career.
As a teenager, Tony Cimino worked part-time for his father. The youngest of eight children, he still works for his father, but refuses to give up the dream of having his own landscape business. Twenty years have passed when Gail walks up to the counter for a slice of pizza and sees him. Tony, the cute boy from her childhood has grown into a handsome, kindhearted man.
Chaos rules, as Bubbie escapes from assisted living, moves into her granddaughter's small apartment, and entertains the neighbors singing Ethel Merman tunes late at night in the elevator. Gail fends off a Yuppie co-op conversion and Tony tries to capture Gail's attention even as he realizes the dream of opening his own business.
The first time Gail knew she loved Tony, she was in the fourth grade, he was in the eighth. Each time they meet, she tries to deny her feelings and walk away. Tony is a man who knows what he wants, but Gail not being able to trust again, pushes the one person she wants out of her life.
I found your name on Chuck Sambuchino's Blog; A Guide To Literary Agents, read your blog daily, and I believe my work meets your criteria. I would be happy to send part or all of the completed manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Respectfully,
====
Opening lines:
No matter how a girl gets down the aisle, being married and then divorced is preferable to dragging one's miserable carcass through life as an old maid.
Three of us sit on a cold, wooden bench in the judge's chamber and wait. It's a long day and seven others have already finished and been escorted to the next room to sign papers and get a receipt, pending the official documents.
When it is my turn, I stand to answer three questions: 1) Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, 2) Do you Gail Goldblum Silverstein wish to contest this action, and 3) Do you wish to return to your maiden name?
Nothing comes out of my mouth and the girl next to me pulls the edge of my jacket and snaps, "Say yes, or I do, and let's get the hell out of here."
I gulp, "I do," three times and it is done.
I wait for a cheer from the audience, but alas we are alone in the room with the judge and his bailiff, who points, "This way, miss."
I am officially an ex-wife.
As promised, I am back.
Dear Agent:
Second Hand News, my 80,000 word humorous women's fiction is about new beginnings.
When Gail Goldblum's arranged marriage fails, she moves into grandma Bubbie's two-room apartment in the Washington Heights neighborhood of Manhattan, one floor below her parents and loses herself in romance novels and the dream of happily-ever-after.
Gail's family immediately begins the search for her next husband, while she reunites with several old schoolmates, has wild sex with two Princeton "boys," joins a romance book club, washes out of a pottery class and uses her wit and talent to find a new career.
As a teenager, Tony Cimino worked part-time for his father. The youngest of eight children, he still works for his father, but refuses to give up the dream of having his own landscape business. Twenty years have passed when Gail walks up to the counter for a slice of pizza and sees him. Tony, the cute boy from her childhood has grown into a handsome, kindhearted man.
Chaos rules, as Bubbie escapes from assisted living, moves into her granddaughter's small apartment, and entertains the neighbors singing Ethel Merman tunes late at night in the elevator. Gail fends off a Yuppie co-op conversion and Tony tries to capture Gail's attention even as he realizes the dream of opening his own business.
The first time Gail knew she loved Tony, she was in the fourth grade, he was in the eighth. Each time they meet, she tries to deny her feelings and walk away. Tony is a man who knows what he wants, but Gail not being able to trust again, pushes the one person she wants out of her life.
I found your name on Chuck Sambuchino's Blog; A Guide To Literary Agents, read your blog daily, and I believe my work meets your criteria. I would be happy to send part or all of the completed manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Respectfully,
====
Opening lines:
No matter how a girl gets down the aisle, being married and then divorced is preferable to dragging one's miserable carcass through life as an old maid.
Three of us sit on a cold, wooden bench in the judge's chamber and wait. It's a long day and seven others have already finished and been escorted to the next room to sign papers and get a receipt, pending the official documents.
When it is my turn, I stand to answer three questions: 1) Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, 2) Do you Gail Goldblum Silverstein wish to contest this action, and 3) Do you wish to return to your maiden name?
Nothing comes out of my mouth and the girl next to me pulls the edge of my jacket and snaps, "Say yes, or I do, and let's get the hell out of here."
I gulp, "I do," three times and it is done.
I wait for a cheer from the audience, but alas we are alone in the room with the judge and his bailiff, who points, "This way, miss."
I am officially an ex-wife.
Oct 6, 2010
Query - The Paw Shake Portal (Second Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear (Agent):
Eleven-year-old Alex’s new pet is no ordinary cat. He’s shocked to find that the stray he’s been caring for is able to transform into a girl his age. Her name is Lumina, and she approaches Alex to ask for his assistance in fighting Alley Scratch, an army of cats that hate people. She is a member of the royal cat family, dedicated to loving and respecting humans. Naturally, she and her siblings are the army’s prime targets.
The only way for Lumina to gain the strength and endurance to battle Alley Scratch is to form a “bond of trust” with Alex—the more their friendship grows, the healthier and stronger she will become. Alex is eager to form this bond to help her, but he also comes up with an idea of his own: Why not show the Alley Scratch cats kindness to help turn them around to the good side?
Unfortunately, the cats aren’t swayed by friendly chatter and an all-you-can-eat picnic. This only ends up causing a chaotic brawl and putting Lumina and her family in even greater danger. Alex must find a way to protect his feline friends without causing another disaster, and he’s willing to do whatever it takes to save them.
THE DISCOVERY OF LUMINA is a middle grade novel complete at 30,000 words.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
(Note: When I took out the unneeded first paragraph in the last draft, it left me with a boring hook, hence the rewritten beginning. As always, please be honest and let me know if any of this doesn't work. You guys are awesome, thanks for your help!)
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear (Agent):
Eleven-year-old Alex’s new pet is no ordinary cat. He’s shocked to find that the stray he’s been caring for is able to transform into a girl his age. Her name is Lumina, and she approaches Alex to ask for his assistance in fighting Alley Scratch, an army of cats that hate people. She is a member of the royal cat family, dedicated to loving and respecting humans. Naturally, she and her siblings are the army’s prime targets.
The only way for Lumina to gain the strength and endurance to battle Alley Scratch is to form a “bond of trust” with Alex—the more their friendship grows, the healthier and stronger she will become. Alex is eager to form this bond to help her, but he also comes up with an idea of his own: Why not show the Alley Scratch cats kindness to help turn them around to the good side?
Unfortunately, the cats aren’t swayed by friendly chatter and an all-you-can-eat picnic. This only ends up causing a chaotic brawl and putting Lumina and her family in even greater danger. Alex must find a way to protect his feline friends without causing another disaster, and he’s willing to do whatever it takes to save them.
THE DISCOVERY OF LUMINA is a middle grade novel complete at 30,000 words.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
(Note: When I took out the unneeded first paragraph in the last draft, it left me with a boring hook, hence the rewritten beginning. As always, please be honest and let me know if any of this doesn't work. You guys are awesome, thanks for your help!)
Oct 5, 2010
Query- Second Hand News
Dear Agent:
Gail Goldblum is a New York City woman on the edge. She comes out of a lousy marriage into her grandma Bubbie's two-room apartment in Washington Heights.
Her family arrange blind dates and trick her into meeting men, and Gail rebelling, reunites with old schoolmates, dates two wild "boys" from Princeton and uses her wit and talent to find a new career and survive her family's attempts to marry her off again.
Tony Cimino, the youngest of six children is left behind to run the neighborhood pizza business, though he will not abandon the dream of being his own boss. He doesn't remember Gail, yet there is something about her he needs to know more about.
The first time she knew she loved him, she was in the fourth grade and he was in Junior High School. Twenty years pass, but when she walks up to the counter, time freezes. Second Hand News, an 80,000 word, humorous romance is about starting over. How after twenty years two people find each other and fall in love.
I found your name the first time on Chuck Sambuchino's Blog; A Guide To Literary Agents, read your blog every day, and I believe my work meets your criteria. I would be happy to send part or all of the completed manuscript. Thank you for your consideration and time.
==================================
Thanks one and all. Look forward to your feedback.
Gail Goldblum is a New York City woman on the edge. She comes out of a lousy marriage into her grandma Bubbie's two-room apartment in Washington Heights.
Her family arrange blind dates and trick her into meeting men, and Gail rebelling, reunites with old schoolmates, dates two wild "boys" from Princeton and uses her wit and talent to find a new career and survive her family's attempts to marry her off again.
Tony Cimino, the youngest of six children is left behind to run the neighborhood pizza business, though he will not abandon the dream of being his own boss. He doesn't remember Gail, yet there is something about her he needs to know more about.
The first time she knew she loved him, she was in the fourth grade and he was in Junior High School. Twenty years pass, but when she walks up to the counter, time freezes. Second Hand News, an 80,000 word, humorous romance is about starting over. How after twenty years two people find each other and fall in love.
I found your name the first time on Chuck Sambuchino's Blog; A Guide To Literary Agents, read your blog every day, and I believe my work meets your criteria. I would be happy to send part or all of the completed manuscript. Thank you for your consideration and time.
==================================
Thanks one and all. Look forward to your feedback.
Oct 4, 2010
QUERY - LAKESIDE
Dear Agent,
While swimming in a secluded lake, seventeen-year-old Hannah sees a discarded pendant on the lakebed. When she picks it up, the pendant transports her to the isolated town of Lakeview where she meets Lily. The two become friends, and Hannah agrees to keep the lake, the town, and their friendship a secret – for her own safety, as well as Lily's.
Once school starts, Hannah begins dating Brendan, the new kid in town. After his mom dies unexpectedly, Brendan overhears his dad speaking with a stranger about her death taking place at a lake. Brendan realizes that his dad lied to him about his mom's death.
Hannah tells Brendan about Lily and the lake, knowing that Lily may be able to shed light on his mom’s death. What they discover in Lakeview gives Brendan hope for seeing his mom again. But when his plan fails and Hannah’s life becomes in danger, Brendan must use the powers of the lake to set things right, or risk losing his girlfriend forever.
LAKESIDE, a young adult novel complete at 85,000 words, combines mystery, romance, supernatural elements, and adventure.
Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Author
While swimming in a secluded lake, seventeen-year-old Hannah sees a discarded pendant on the lakebed. When she picks it up, the pendant transports her to the isolated town of Lakeview where she meets Lily. The two become friends, and Hannah agrees to keep the lake, the town, and their friendship a secret – for her own safety, as well as Lily's.
Once school starts, Hannah begins dating Brendan, the new kid in town. After his mom dies unexpectedly, Brendan overhears his dad speaking with a stranger about her death taking place at a lake. Brendan realizes that his dad lied to him about his mom's death.
Hannah tells Brendan about Lily and the lake, knowing that Lily may be able to shed light on his mom’s death. What they discover in Lakeview gives Brendan hope for seeing his mom again. But when his plan fails and Hannah’s life becomes in danger, Brendan must use the powers of the lake to set things right, or risk losing his girlfriend forever.
LAKESIDE, a young adult novel complete at 85,000 words, combines mystery, romance, supernatural elements, and adventure.
Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Author
Query - The Paw Shake Portal (First Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Author's Note: Thank you SO much to all who critiqued my first query. It helped so much! A special thank you to Rick for hosting this -- I would be lost without the Slushpile!
I realized my last query didn't accurately represent the story; I was too tied up in details. I feel like this one is more spot-on, but needs a ton of tightening. I also tentatively changed the title. Thanks in advance for your suggestions!
Dear (Agent):
Eleven-year-old Alex’s closest friend is his cat. No, he isn’t a loner. His friend Lumina is both human and feline.
When Alex finds a stray cat in his back yard, he doesn’t expect her to be able to turn into a girl his age. Lumina approaches Alex as a human and asks for his assistance in fighting Alley Scratch, an army of cats that hate people. The only way for her to gain the strength and endurance to battle Alley Scratch is to form a “bond of trust” with Alex—the more their friendship grows, the healthier and stronger she will become.
Alex is eager to form this bond to help Lumina, but he also comes up with an idea of his own: Why not show the Alley Scratch cats kindness to help turn them around to the good side? Unfortunately, his plan backfires, causing a chaotic brawl and putting Lumina and her family in even greater danger. Alex must find a way to protect his feline friends without causing another disaster, and he’s willing to do whatever it takes to save them.
THE DISCOVERY OF LUMINA is a middle grade novel complete at 30,000 words.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Author's Note: Thank you SO much to all who critiqued my first query. It helped so much! A special thank you to Rick for hosting this -- I would be lost without the Slushpile!
I realized my last query didn't accurately represent the story; I was too tied up in details. I feel like this one is more spot-on, but needs a ton of tightening. I also tentatively changed the title. Thanks in advance for your suggestions!
Dear (Agent):
Eleven-year-old Alex’s closest friend is his cat. No, he isn’t a loner. His friend Lumina is both human and feline.
When Alex finds a stray cat in his back yard, he doesn’t expect her to be able to turn into a girl his age. Lumina approaches Alex as a human and asks for his assistance in fighting Alley Scratch, an army of cats that hate people. The only way for her to gain the strength and endurance to battle Alley Scratch is to form a “bond of trust” with Alex—the more their friendship grows, the healthier and stronger she will become.
Alex is eager to form this bond to help Lumina, but he also comes up with an idea of his own: Why not show the Alley Scratch cats kindness to help turn them around to the good side? Unfortunately, his plan backfires, causing a chaotic brawl and putting Lumina and her family in even greater danger. Alex must find a way to protect his feline friends without causing another disaster, and he’s willing to do whatever it takes to save them.
THE DISCOVERY OF LUMINA is a middle grade novel complete at 30,000 words.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Sep 30, 2010
QUERY- MAD AS A HATTER (revision 3)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Dear Awesome Agent,
London, 1882.
Seven years ago, Emil Aleric and his sister were kidnapped. Emil survived. His sister didn’t. So when word of a ruthless killer rampaging London convinces Emil that his kidnapper is on the move, he thinks it’s fate that his guardian, Officer Corwin James, is in charge of the case.
The basic facts of the murders are well known. A young girl is kidnapped. Three days later, the body shows up, horrifically mutilated. However, Emil and Corwin know a little more than the general public: each murder is accompanied by a note quoting Alice in Wonderland.
These notes confirm Emil’s suspicions. He knew his kidnapper by only one name: The Hatter. But as he and his guardian get closer and closer to tracking the man down, Emil starts to realize exactly what confronting his past will mean. He can live with the nightmares. But if he fails to avenge his sister’s death, he doesn’t know how he’ll live with himself- if he lives at all.
MAD AS A HATTER, a YA historical mystery, is complete at 50,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Me
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Dear Awesome Agent,
London, 1882.
Seven years ago, Emil Aleric and his sister were kidnapped. Emil survived. His sister didn’t. So when word of a ruthless killer rampaging London convinces Emil that his kidnapper is on the move, he thinks it’s fate that his guardian, Officer Corwin James, is in charge of the case.
The basic facts of the murders are well known. A young girl is kidnapped. Three days later, the body shows up, horrifically mutilated. However, Emil and Corwin know a little more than the general public: each murder is accompanied by a note quoting Alice in Wonderland.
These notes confirm Emil’s suspicions. He knew his kidnapper by only one name: The Hatter. But as he and his guardian get closer and closer to tracking the man down, Emil starts to realize exactly what confronting his past will mean. He can live with the nightmares. But if he fails to avenge his sister’s death, he doesn’t know how he’ll live with himself- if he lives at all.
MAD AS A HATTER, a YA historical mystery, is complete at 50,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Me
Sep 29, 2010
QUERY- THE WHIP-SLIP (Revised)
Click here to read the original query.
Seventeen-year-old Thea Vans will do anything to protect her best friend, Tully. That’s why she’ll never speak to him again.
Thea’s always hidden her ability to heal or infect with a single touch – but the powers don’t belong to her anymore. Left-Hander, the new and inexplicable voice in her head has taken control, and unfortunately for Thea, she’s got a two-year-old’s temperament. A few cases of hives, broken legs, projectile vomiting, and heart palpitations all with Thea at the scene have put her in the spotlight at school – and now Tully thinks she’s possessed.
Thea would argue, but she knows nothing about her origins or who Left-Hander is, thanks to her guardian’s lack of blab. She doesn’t know that the teenagers who reawaken dead eels at the local waterway and sic them on a crowd of high schoolers are called The Whips, soldiers of Death.
Thea’s reward for fighting the Whips and saving her classmates is information: the Whips and Slips (the soldiers of Life) have been fighting for centuries, and their greatest weapon is Thea, whose set of powers could be used to kill thousands. Run-and-hide would be a smart move –
Except Tully’s injured in the waterway attack and is taken to the Slip base to heal. Thea’s got no choice but to follow and make sure he makes it out alive. Good thing the Slips don’t realize she’s got some Whip in her too. If she can just control her powers, maybe she and Tully can make it out alive.
As long as Left-Hander cooperates.
Seventeen-year-old Thea Vans will do anything to protect her best friend, Tully. That’s why she’ll never speak to him again.
Thea’s always hidden her ability to heal or infect with a single touch – but the powers don’t belong to her anymore. Left-Hander, the new and inexplicable voice in her head has taken control, and unfortunately for Thea, she’s got a two-year-old’s temperament. A few cases of hives, broken legs, projectile vomiting, and heart palpitations all with Thea at the scene have put her in the spotlight at school – and now Tully thinks she’s possessed.
Thea would argue, but she knows nothing about her origins or who Left-Hander is, thanks to her guardian’s lack of blab. She doesn’t know that the teenagers who reawaken dead eels at the local waterway and sic them on a crowd of high schoolers are called The Whips, soldiers of Death.
Thea’s reward for fighting the Whips and saving her classmates is information: the Whips and Slips (the soldiers of Life) have been fighting for centuries, and their greatest weapon is Thea, whose set of powers could be used to kill thousands. Run-and-hide would be a smart move –
Except Tully’s injured in the waterway attack and is taken to the Slip base to heal. Thea’s got no choice but to follow and make sure he makes it out alive. Good thing the Slips don’t realize she’s got some Whip in her too. If she can just control her powers, maybe she and Tully can make it out alive.
As long as Left-Hander cooperates.
QUERY- MAD AS A HATTER (revision 2)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Awesome Agent,
London, 1882.
Seven years ago, Emil Aleric and his sister were kidnapped. Emil survived. His sister didn’t. So when word of a ruthless killer rampaging London reaches home, his mother is- understandably- frightened into sending him to live with Corwin James, the officer in charge of the case, until the criminal is caught.
Every murder follows the same pattern: a young girl is kidnapped. Three days later, her body shows up, horrifically mutilated. But Emil is also privy to some extra information: each murder is accompanied by a note quoting Alice in Wonderland.
These notes don’t mean anything to the police, but they do to Emil. The man who kidnapped him was never caught, and Emil only knew him by one name: the Hatter. If the man they’re looking for and the tormenter of his past are the same person, then Emil will do anything to stop the man. He even stands a chance of avenging his sister—if he isn’t killed first.
MAD AS A HATTER, a YA historical mystery, is complete at 50,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Me
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Awesome Agent,
London, 1882.
Seven years ago, Emil Aleric and his sister were kidnapped. Emil survived. His sister didn’t. So when word of a ruthless killer rampaging London reaches home, his mother is- understandably- frightened into sending him to live with Corwin James, the officer in charge of the case, until the criminal is caught.
Every murder follows the same pattern: a young girl is kidnapped. Three days later, her body shows up, horrifically mutilated. But Emil is also privy to some extra information: each murder is accompanied by a note quoting Alice in Wonderland.
These notes don’t mean anything to the police, but they do to Emil. The man who kidnapped him was never caught, and Emil only knew him by one name: the Hatter. If the man they’re looking for and the tormenter of his past are the same person, then Emil will do anything to stop the man. He even stands a chance of avenging his sister—if he isn’t killed first.
MAD AS A HATTER, a YA historical mystery, is complete at 50,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Me
Sep 28, 2010
THE WHIP-SLIP QUERY
The students and faculty of Waltham High School have had a lot of incidents lately – broken legs, allergic reactions, nosebleeds, heart palpitations – and they’re beginning to think 17-year-old Thea Vans has something to do with it.
They’re not wrong.
Thea’s always been able to hurt or heal with a single touch. Bruises, hives, projectile vomiting. Another touch cures colds, mends broken legs, or brings blissful sleep. Not even her best friend knew about the powers – until Left-Hander came along, the new and inexplicable voice in her head. And Left-Hander controls the powers now.
Unfortunately for Thea, Left-Hander prefers hurting to healing. Thea can’t stop Lefty when she decides to punish someone - and it doesn’t take much to annoy Left-Hander.
Before she can figure out just who – or what – Left-Hander is, a group of teenagers with powers identical to Thea’s attack the local park. Thea convinces Left-Hander to fight them, but doing so lands her in the middle of a war between the soldiers of Life and the soldiers of Death. A war where Thea is the weapon of mass destruction.
If either side finds out what Thea is, thousands will die – but her best friend is injured in the attack on the park and taken by the soldiers of Life. Thea follows with the hope that if she hides her abilities, maybe they’ll both make it through alive.
If Left-Hander can cooperate.
THE WHIP-SLIP is a young adult fantasy complete at 90,000 words. This will fit well alongside the works of your clients xxx & xxxx.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
They’re not wrong.
Thea’s always been able to hurt or heal with a single touch. Bruises, hives, projectile vomiting. Another touch cures colds, mends broken legs, or brings blissful sleep. Not even her best friend knew about the powers – until Left-Hander came along, the new and inexplicable voice in her head. And Left-Hander controls the powers now.
Unfortunately for Thea, Left-Hander prefers hurting to healing. Thea can’t stop Lefty when she decides to punish someone - and it doesn’t take much to annoy Left-Hander.
Before she can figure out just who – or what – Left-Hander is, a group of teenagers with powers identical to Thea’s attack the local park. Thea convinces Left-Hander to fight them, but doing so lands her in the middle of a war between the soldiers of Life and the soldiers of Death. A war where Thea is the weapon of mass destruction.
If either side finds out what Thea is, thousands will die – but her best friend is injured in the attack on the park and taken by the soldiers of Life. Thea follows with the hope that if she hides her abilities, maybe they’ll both make it through alive.
If Left-Hander can cooperate.
THE WHIP-SLIP is a young adult fantasy complete at 90,000 words. This will fit well alongside the works of your clients xxx & xxxx.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
QUERY: STEAM PALACE
Dear Esteemed Literary Agent
Sometimes meeting your Evil Twin makes you wonder which one you are.
Sophia Stratton leaves home to discover a temptress, an immoral gutter prowler named Viola living with her gentle aunt. Shocked and curious, she follows Viola to the Steam Palace, a small city of iniquity and sin built upon an ancient half-buried barge in the Connecticut River. Despite the obvious fact that Viola hails from a native tribe and lacks the slightest touch of civilized culture, Sophia is inexplicably drawn to her, and finds to her embarrassment that they share a similar demeanor. Needless to say when Sophia discovers this wanton woman is actually her twin sister, separated at birth, it thoroughly destroys her. But that is only part of the story.
All Sophia wants is a job, perhaps a proposal of marriage to an eligible gentleman of sufficient reputation, and a means to restore her family name. She never intends on bringing her country--torn between two neighboring countries--to the brink of ruin. She now hides out in a bombed-out Native village where spirits walk among the corpses. Captain Thomas Putnam, her love, is most likely dead, his leg torn by shrapnel in a unfortunate assault on their country’s rival, the Southland, in an attempt to steal the mysterious Sea Key. And now Viola, of whom Sophia has grown quite fond despite Viola’s untoward upbringing, has surrendered to the man responsible to all this destruction and faces torture and death for her disobedience. Hartford and the Steam Palace lie in ruins, and Ghost, a powerful Fury Lord with limitless technological power at his fingertips, refuses to assist. Sophia must find a way to rescue her sister, restore Thomas’ honor, convince Ghost to join their cause, locate the mythical Sea Key, and fight off her country’s invaders before war claims the remnants of a once-proud kingdom.
Steam Palace, complete at 120,000 words, is a Steampunk romp through alternate-history America, where proto-Nazis clash with British-style royalty while the Free Southland tries to democratize both. It features twins separated at birth, secret keys to impossible powers, airships and mechohorses, and of course, tea, corsets, and goggles.
This is a very early first-draft of a query. I'm not as much interested in grammar or style as much as wondering whether this is a good place to start. Does the book sound interesting? Is there too much detail? Do you understand what's at stake? I will be posting updates that are a bit more polished.
Sometimes meeting your Evil Twin makes you wonder which one you are.
Sophia Stratton leaves home to discover a temptress, an immoral gutter prowler named Viola living with her gentle aunt. Shocked and curious, she follows Viola to the Steam Palace, a small city of iniquity and sin built upon an ancient half-buried barge in the Connecticut River. Despite the obvious fact that Viola hails from a native tribe and lacks the slightest touch of civilized culture, Sophia is inexplicably drawn to her, and finds to her embarrassment that they share a similar demeanor. Needless to say when Sophia discovers this wanton woman is actually her twin sister, separated at birth, it thoroughly destroys her. But that is only part of the story.
All Sophia wants is a job, perhaps a proposal of marriage to an eligible gentleman of sufficient reputation, and a means to restore her family name. She never intends on bringing her country--torn between two neighboring countries--to the brink of ruin. She now hides out in a bombed-out Native village where spirits walk among the corpses. Captain Thomas Putnam, her love, is most likely dead, his leg torn by shrapnel in a unfortunate assault on their country’s rival, the Southland, in an attempt to steal the mysterious Sea Key. And now Viola, of whom Sophia has grown quite fond despite Viola’s untoward upbringing, has surrendered to the man responsible to all this destruction and faces torture and death for her disobedience. Hartford and the Steam Palace lie in ruins, and Ghost, a powerful Fury Lord with limitless technological power at his fingertips, refuses to assist. Sophia must find a way to rescue her sister, restore Thomas’ honor, convince Ghost to join their cause, locate the mythical Sea Key, and fight off her country’s invaders before war claims the remnants of a once-proud kingdom.
Steam Palace, complete at 120,000 words, is a Steampunk romp through alternate-history America, where proto-Nazis clash with British-style royalty while the Free Southland tries to democratize both. It features twins separated at birth, secret keys to impossible powers, airships and mechohorses, and of course, tea, corsets, and goggles.
This is a very early first-draft of a query. I'm not as much interested in grammar or style as much as wondering whether this is a good place to start. Does the book sound interesting? Is there too much detail? Do you understand what's at stake? I will be posting updates that are a bit more polished.
Sep 27, 2010
Knight of Light - YA Fantasy
Dear Awesome Agent,
Knight of Light is an 89,000 word young adult fantasy about a sixteen-year-old girl and her quest to fit into the 12th century’s rigid social expectations despite her dangerous abnormalities – in fact, Scotlyn is afraid she might not be human.
After escaping torture from a servant of the Dark Rebellion, Scotlyn is hired as a handmaid in Oswestry, England. Although she is apparently betrothed to a prince of the mythical Kingdom of Neviah she catches the eye of young Duke Lyrad. Their beautiful romance is cut short when Lyrad departs and disappears in King Richard’s holy crusade. Now Lyrad’s back and is the leader of an army sent to destroy her homeland. Scotlyn must set aside social norms of a society denying equal rights and decide if she is the damsel in distress or the knight in shining armor.
To protect her country from Lyrad and the Dark Rebellion, Scotlyn enlists the help of a clever dwarf, accident-prone pixie and a rugged mysterious ranger (Cyrus, the Prince of Neviah) with his own paranormal abilities — and immortal secrets. When she starts to discern the enemy’s thoughts and is offered power, wealth and a proposal of marriage from the man she once loved, she questions her forgotten past and the reasons behind her personal crusade. In the face of war and political conspirators, the Dark Rebellion trying to steal her powers to control fire and England’s charming lords trying to steal her heart, Scotlyn must embrace her destiny, expose her secrets and set in motion an apocalyptic prophecy or concede the kingdom she swore to defend.
Knight of Light is the first book in a series, but can also stand on its own. The series progresses forward and delves into documented historical phenomenon and natural disasters of biblical proportions that entices indulgence of a fine line between intriguing fact and alluring fantasy.
As an author, I have been a featured guest at festivals and conferences throughout the United States including the international Comic-Con in San Diego. I have published numerous articles on a wide range of topics including writing techniques. I’ve worked professionally as a ghostwriter and as a playwright for a local theater. I am the manager for two of New York Times Best Seller, David Farland's writing groups and I am a member of American Night Writers Association. Aside from being a mother I juggle a full time career as an author, professional illustrator and e-book animator.
I look forward to your response.
Best,
Deirdra Eden Coppel
guidedhope@gmail.com
www.Knightess.com
Knight of Light is an 89,000 word young adult fantasy about a sixteen-year-old girl and her quest to fit into the 12th century’s rigid social expectations despite her dangerous abnormalities – in fact, Scotlyn is afraid she might not be human.
After escaping torture from a servant of the Dark Rebellion, Scotlyn is hired as a handmaid in Oswestry, England. Although she is apparently betrothed to a prince of the mythical Kingdom of Neviah she catches the eye of young Duke Lyrad. Their beautiful romance is cut short when Lyrad departs and disappears in King Richard’s holy crusade. Now Lyrad’s back and is the leader of an army sent to destroy her homeland. Scotlyn must set aside social norms of a society denying equal rights and decide if she is the damsel in distress or the knight in shining armor.
To protect her country from Lyrad and the Dark Rebellion, Scotlyn enlists the help of a clever dwarf, accident-prone pixie and a rugged mysterious ranger (Cyrus, the Prince of Neviah) with his own paranormal abilities — and immortal secrets. When she starts to discern the enemy’s thoughts and is offered power, wealth and a proposal of marriage from the man she once loved, she questions her forgotten past and the reasons behind her personal crusade. In the face of war and political conspirators, the Dark Rebellion trying to steal her powers to control fire and England’s charming lords trying to steal her heart, Scotlyn must embrace her destiny, expose her secrets and set in motion an apocalyptic prophecy or concede the kingdom she swore to defend.
Knight of Light is the first book in a series, but can also stand on its own. The series progresses forward and delves into documented historical phenomenon and natural disasters of biblical proportions that entices indulgence of a fine line between intriguing fact and alluring fantasy.
As an author, I have been a featured guest at festivals and conferences throughout the United States including the international Comic-Con in San Diego. I have published numerous articles on a wide range of topics including writing techniques. I’ve worked professionally as a ghostwriter and as a playwright for a local theater. I am the manager for two of New York Times Best Seller, David Farland's writing groups and I am a member of American Night Writers Association. Aside from being a mother I juggle a full time career as an author, professional illustrator and e-book animator.
I look forward to your response.
Best,
Deirdra Eden Coppel
guidedhope@gmail.com
www.Knightess.com
Sep 25, 2010
QUERY – IMMORTAL DECISION
Dear Super-Duper Agent looking for Queries that lack suckitutde:
As a former priest turned vampire, Stefan’s greatest desire is to end his two hundred years of tortured existence. He knows his prophesized death is at hand, but suicide is impossible and his vampiric nature prevents him from purposely losing a battle. Then the means to his end presents itself in the form of an American named William, the lost heir Stefan has been searching for.
Stefan lures the young man to Romania with the promise of a substantial inheritance. In order to receive it, William must read the complete history of his future estate and the past of his ancestors. The centuries-old manuscript - Stefan's own personal journal – provides William with an abundance of information about the supernatural world, and what it means to be a vampire.
Stefan is vexed that the mere human will flee when he realizes what he must do to claim his inheritance, and uses all his powers of psychological manipulation at his disposal to make William stay. But Stefan's conscience is torn. If Stefan succeeds, he may condemn William to eternal damnation. If he fails, he could inflict the same torture he has face hundreds of years of sunless, Godless existence.
IMMORTAL DECISION is a 109,000 word urban fantasy debut. Thank you for your consideration.
As a former priest turned vampire, Stefan’s greatest desire is to end his two hundred years of tortured existence. He knows his prophesized death is at hand, but suicide is impossible and his vampiric nature prevents him from purposely losing a battle. Then the means to his end presents itself in the form of an American named William, the lost heir Stefan has been searching for.
Stefan lures the young man to Romania with the promise of a substantial inheritance. In order to receive it, William must read the complete history of his future estate and the past of his ancestors. The centuries-old manuscript - Stefan's own personal journal – provides William with an abundance of information about the supernatural world, and what it means to be a vampire.
Stefan is vexed that the mere human will flee when he realizes what he must do to claim his inheritance, and uses all his powers of psychological manipulation at his disposal to make William stay. But Stefan's conscience is torn. If Stefan succeeds, he may condemn William to eternal damnation. If he fails, he could inflict the same torture he has face hundreds of years of sunless, Godless existence.
IMMORTAL DECISION is a 109,000 word urban fantasy debut. Thank you for your consideration.
Sep 18, 2010
QUERY- REMEMBERING YOU women's fiction
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Dear Agent,
“Genna” Genovase is smart, beautiful, driven and about to break the glass ceiling at the swanky country club in Delaware where she works. Taking her long awaited three-week vacation before she begins as “Director of the Kitchens”, Genna decides to surprise her family by driving up to Bristol, Rhode Island for the annual 4th of July Parade.
However, the surprise is on her when she runs into her ex-fiancé at her uncle’s diner. Tony makes it clear he wants her back and Genna wonders if she can forgive him for breaking her heart a decade ago.
Things get complicated though, when little Petie DiCampo shows up at the diner one morning, all grown up and looking like a calendar boy. He sets his sights and his heart on Genna but Tony isn’t giving up that easily.
Genna also finds her aunt may be in the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s. The family is in denial; one cousin is hysterical, another completely shuts down and her beloved uncle, dealing with all the stress, has a heart attack.
Genna steps in to keep the diner open and the family together while he recuperates and she questions what’s more important – breaking that glass ceiling or her family.
When her uncle reassures her the family and the diner will be fine without her, she heads back to Delaware. Unfortunately, she leaves her heart behind in Rhode Island and wonders what it will take to get it back.
REMEMBERING YOU is a complete work of women's fiction at 87,000 words.
etc. etc.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Dear Agent,
“Genna” Genovase is smart, beautiful, driven and about to break the glass ceiling at the swanky country club in Delaware where she works. Taking her long awaited three-week vacation before she begins as “Director of the Kitchens”, Genna decides to surprise her family by driving up to Bristol, Rhode Island for the annual 4th of July Parade.
However, the surprise is on her when she runs into her ex-fiancé at her uncle’s diner. Tony makes it clear he wants her back and Genna wonders if she can forgive him for breaking her heart a decade ago.
Things get complicated though, when little Petie DiCampo shows up at the diner one morning, all grown up and looking like a calendar boy. He sets his sights and his heart on Genna but Tony isn’t giving up that easily.
Genna also finds her aunt may be in the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s. The family is in denial; one cousin is hysterical, another completely shuts down and her beloved uncle, dealing with all the stress, has a heart attack.
Genna steps in to keep the diner open and the family together while he recuperates and she questions what’s more important – breaking that glass ceiling or her family.
When her uncle reassures her the family and the diner will be fine without her, she heads back to Delaware. Unfortunately, she leaves her heart behind in Rhode Island and wonders what it will take to get it back.
REMEMBERING YOU is a complete work of women's fiction at 87,000 words.
etc. etc.
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