Sep 5, 2010

Query- Off the Edge (2nd Revision)

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.

Thanks for all your great feedback. I hope this is my final draft. I don't want to talk more about the accident, because everything I've learned about query says to not give away the ending (cuz the accident is crazy). I'm confused on what genre still. It's a romance novel, but it's also full of adventure and suspense. Any thoughts?

Dear (Agent):

Twenty-year-old Eden Anderson is beautiful, popular, and unlucky in love. When Eden’s parents send her to live with her cousin for the summer on the North Shore of Hawaii, the last thing she wants is to think about boys. She's determined to spend the summer on the beach, healing her heart and working on her tan.
So, when the handsome Noa takes a sudden interest in Eden, she’s right to doubt his intentions—his reputation for being a player is as deep and never-ending as his pocket change. She tries keeping their relationship in the ‘just friends’ category, but Noa's good looks, charming attitude, and constant attention proves difficult to resist.
When Eden agrees to accompany him on a sailing trip to Maui, she finds herself jumping off cliffs (something she swore she would never do again), swimming with sharks, and braving a storm that threatens to sink their tiny sailboat. Eden falls hard for Noa and quickly discovers why his reputation is the talk of the town.
But it might not matter when something unexpected risks everything—including her life.
"Off the Edge" is a complete 94,000 word romance novel.
I spent five years as a tour guide in Hawaii gaining knowledge of the island, culture, and expectations of typical tourists. To find out more, please visit my website at
I look forward to hearing from you,
Erin Apelu