Oct 16, 2010

Query- Possessed (revised)

Click here to read the original query.

Hello again! I am ready to submit the second draft of my query letter for Possessed. Thanks for all your help. :)

Dear Agent So-and-So,

After fighting in the Napoleonic Wars for two years, battle hungry Gabriel is now stuck at home with a father forbids him to return to sea. His anger evaporates when he hears voices in a dark room filled with locked cabinets. The strong pull that Gabriel feels from that room is interrupted when his family`s estate is burned to the ground with his parents trapped inside.

Gabriel flees to a nearby forest where he fights a seemingly invincible, ghostlike pursuer. Just as strange, the day suddenly darkens to a starless night.

Gabriel thinks he’s gone insane, but he awakens in a bright room filled with people wearing long, white coats. They tell him that he volunteered at the White Horizon Research Facility for a classified potential breakthrough study two weeks ago. He has no recollection of signing up for the study, and listens as the scientists tell him about his failures.

As Gabriel`s hazy memory returns, he realizes that he is a murderer trying to escape from his past. The angry voices of those he killed five years ago have been plaguing him since that fateful day.

To make matters worse, the paranoid medical staff debate on whether or not to euthanize the study`s volunteers while an armed maniac will not rest until she kills Gabriel. He’ll have to find a way to stay alive—without reverting to his murderous ways.

Possessed is a supernatural thriller that contains a final word count of 56,000 words.

Thank you for taking the time to review my work.


Sara Flower Kjeldsen


Dear Public Query Slushpile,

One would think that every Princess is born with a ready-made fairytale life complete with a happy-ever-after ending. But clearly that isn’t the case, for why then does seventeen year-old Princess Maia’s life turn out to be so disagreeable with her own desires? If a Princess’ life were to be perfect, then why did her father arrange for her to marry the Prince of Pelear without her consent? And as though life couldn’t possibly get any worse for Princess Maia, her father is demanding for her immediate departure to Pelear.

Enraged, confused and hurt, Princess Maia is sure that her father’s reason for sending her to Pelear is to finalize her marriage to Prince Sealtiel, Pelear’s Prince.

However, just before she leaves her kingdom, her father reveals the true cause for her unplanned journey; she needs Prince Sealtiel’s protection. He informs her that an unidentified adversary is attacking Citrine and is after the Blood Ruby, their most prized treasure. As the keeper of the Blood Ruby it is Princess Maia’s duty to keep it protected at all times, or else Citrine’s entire civilization will cease to exist.

When Princess Maia successfully slips into the dangerous Mystical Forest of Memron, the only safe path to Pelear, she breathes a sigh of relief. But she soon learns that letting her guard down inside the Mystical Forest of Memron is a reckless move when she is faced with a perilous situation that almost ends her life. Lucky for her a renegade warrior from Pelear named Ralph, who has been hiding inside the forest, saves her just in time.

Ralph becomes her protector though he seems to loathe his task. But as they journey deeper into the forest, Ralph confesses that his loathing has turned to love. Princess Maia is aware that a relationship with Ralph is forbidden, as she is engaged to his Prince. However, she finds herself incapable of warding off his affections for she feels the same way about him.

Princess Maia’s love for Ralph and her duty to her citizens conflicts her, knowing that to acknowledge one, is an instant rejection of the other. But as though fate wanted her life to be more complicated, she learns about Ralph’s secret which makes her question the sincerity of his love.

Her mistrust for Ralph makes her act carelessly. Her tactless action lands her straight into the arms of the mysterious enemy she has been trying to elude.

Princess Maia is captured and taken to Scapia, where she encounters Malvar, the man responsible for attacking her kingdom. Though a skilled warrior herself, Princess Maia is powerless against Malvar whose obsession for the Blood Ruby has driven him mad. Her only chance of escape is dependent upon the man she had doubted.

Will Ralph become her avenging knight and save her once more? Or, had her mistrust for him robbed her life of a happy-ever-after ending?

THE BLOOD RUBY OBSESSION is my first novel. This YA fantasy is complete at 108, 000 words. I would be glad to send you my full manuscript upon request.

Thank you for your time.



Dear Agent,

Dogs and cats were never meant to be friends, but that didn't stop Squirt and Aubie. They didn't know, nor did they care. Squirt is a coal-black, wild haired puppy and Aubie, is an orange-and-white c-a-t. They are best friends and out to enjoy their world.

In this volume, Squirt and Aubie join together with Taylor, their twelve-year-old caretaker, who just happens to be a ballerina, for the twirl of a lifetime. With matching tutus, they spin round and round, twirling and leaping just like professional ballerinas. As the music is ending, they nail their last pose and the audience is up applauding for more.

In rhymed couplets, SQUIRT is complete at 409-words, targeting an audience of 2- through 9- year olds. Although this is my first picture book manuscript, I am a member of SCBWI. My inspiration comes straight out of the texture of my life as a kindergarten teacher, owner of my own business, and mother of a ballerina.

This and three other SQUIRT stories are fully finished, while the fifth is nearing completion. Per your instructions I am including (Whatever they ask). This is a simultaneous submission. Thank you for your time and consideration.


This is my manuscript. I didn't double space due to length here but I will when I submit. Thank you in advance for all your help.


My name is Squirt. I’m as black as night,
With long wavy hair that shoots left and right.

My eyes are brown and my tongue is pink,
With a small black dot that’s kinda cute, I think.

My best friend is Aubie. He isn’t like me.
Orange and white striped, and spelled C-A-T.

He’s very bouncy, even sneaky at times,
With eyes that are green, a pretty green, almost lime.

We are a very odd couple, everyone agrees,
But we’re exactly the same size, and love macaroni and cheese.

Aubie and I, we love to play.
We play outside almost everyday.

We run and jump, roll and twirl.
We hop and skip, tumble and whirl.

In the afternoon, when Taylor’s work is done,
She walks us around the block. Oh, what fun!

Taylor is my mommy. She’ll be twelve soon.
She feeds me, loves me and reads me cartoons.

Her favorite is ballet. I love it too.
What do you think of our matching tutus?

All dressed up, we perform a show.
Round and round, like ballerinas, on their toes.

Our bodies very straight, toes pointed to the side,
Our arms out in front and remember, now glide.

We move left and right, across the stage we go,
We try to look graceful, all together in a row.

Twirling and leaping, on our feet and then our toes,
And as the music slows down, we do our last pose.

The shows over now, we bow, and then smile,
The audience is standing up, applauding, in the aisles.

Our family brings us flowers, isn’t that sweet?
A treat, for us being so light on our feet.

Now what to do, any thoughts in mind?
What games do you like? What’s your favorite kind?

We love to play dolls, to skate and ride bikes,
Playing with trucks, reading books and going on hikes.

There’s so much to do, the days are so short,
I guess we’ll have to wait, no time to build a fort.

It’s getting dark outside, and night time is coming,
All of a sudden my tummy is rumbling.

Supper time is here! We love to eat.
We clean our plate, so we can get a treat.

After we’ve eaten, its time to go to bed,
But all of today’s fun is swimming in my head.

I can’t wait till tomorrow. What will we do?
Will we play chase and swim, or maybe go to the zoo?