Apr 27, 2011

Query- Absorption

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.

Click here to read the second revision.

After completing my manuscript, polishing it, workshopping it, and polishing my query, I’ve queried several agents. Nobody even requested a partial, so I’d like to try again. I tried to include my revised opening but blogger said it was too long.

Dear Editor:
Brett Johnson healed a child mutilated by the hive mind Alexander, and held her as she cried. Then he joined a task force targeting the oldest hive mind, creator of all the others.
They cannot prove direct responsibility, and a bloody war will split the Federalist Worlds. The expedition must do everything possible to convince the hosts to surrender the technology on which the hive mind is based.
During negotiations, Brett meets a beautiful woman named Ariel Lilac who believes he would not fear the hive mind if he understood it. He disagrees, but desires her greatly. Brett doesn’t discuss his feelings since they may soon be on opposite sides of a war, but cannot resist spending time with her learning about the hive mind Oceania, named after the world on which it resides. He sees her on the verge of joining the hive mind herself. Resolved to distract her however he can, he seduces her.
Diplomacy is not working, but they find joy together in the face of impending calamity. Ariel shows Brett how the brain computer interface that powers the hive mind can also be used for other things, such as simulating body exchanges while making love.
Brett falls more deeply for Ariel, and comes to suspect his people have really misunderstood this technology. Yet he also fears passion has prejudiced him, and he may postpone action against a danger to humanity until too late.
Absorption is an eighty thousand word science fiction manuscript.

Apr 26, 2011


Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.

The temperature is the only cool thing about Jason’s trip to the North Pole with his father, but things heat up when they discover a book buried deep in the ice.  This is no ordinary book, mind you. For starters, it was written by an Elf. And if that’s not enough, the book proves the existence of Kris Kringle – you know, Santa Claus.
Born human but abandoned as a baby, Kris is rescued by Elfs and grows up among them…but he doesn’t really fit in. Kris embarks on a quest to find his true family among the humans by delivering presents on Christmas day. There’s a catch, though: the High Council of Elfs is convinced humans are wicked at heart, and Kris can’t return to his Elfin home unless he can prove otherwise.

His journey takes him all the way to the legendary Great Northern Glen, and from there to the town of Oldenton, where he finds two orphans who are about to lose everything they have to a greedy uncle.  With only days before Christmas, Kris must try to help the kids, deliver his presents, find his family, and prove that human virtue does exist…even in the most unexpected of human hearts.

THE MAN IN THE CINDER CLOUDS is a 35,000-word novella written for anyone who has ever believed in Santa Claus.  This story-within-a-story explains everything from the origins of Santa’s white hair and red suit to his ability to fit all those presents in one sack.  It also has a streak of action and adventure…think "Santa Begins."  It should appeal to the reluctant boy reader.

Query: Abbey (1st revision) --note new title

Click here to read the original query.

On the first day of camp, Abbey realizes a horrible mistake has been made—she’s stranded at the wrong camp.

By the second day of camp, Abbey is faced with the consequence of being a lifetime “spook magnet.” The River Falls camp—which has its own spooky history—turns Abbey’s spook-ometer up to 11.

The third day of camp begins with cold spots and moving furniture, quickly escalating to a paranormal freakshow with a field of dead frogs, a ghostly stalker and mysterious symbols carved into the wall.

The first week of camp ends with Abbey trying to figure out the meaning behind the symbols—as they intrude into her life with more and more urgency. Abbey’s ghostly experiences were a curse growing up, costing her dearly and leaving her scarred and friendless at 14 years.

The final week of camp features a scavenger hunt which turns deadly as lightning strikes—leaving Abbey trapped with a boy she likes, a mean girl she doesn’t and her drama queen roommate. Abbey is forced to use her curse to save their lives as she reaches into another world for help. The trouble is, this help threatens to consume her, which could cost Abbey her new friends—as well as her very humanity.

Spooky Girl is a 56,000 word young adult novel with a paranormal theme.

I have written professionally in advertising and marketing for over a decade.

Thank you for your time,

Allan Evans
[PHONE NUMBER REDACTED] | allan@docevans.com | www.evanswriter.com/Abbey

Apr 24, 2011

Query:Abbey: The Startling Spooky, Truly Epic, Paranormal Tale of a Haunted Teen

Abbey: The Startling Spooky, Truly Epic, Paranormal Tale of a Haunted Teen is a 56,000 word young adult novel. Written with equal amounts of suspense and humor, the book tells the story of an unusual 15-year old. Strange things have always happened around Abbey—on her first birthday Abbey’s recently deceased grandmother is photographed looming over her in the background—but strand her at a haunted summer camp having to battle both the counselors and the undead and anything can happen.

Abbey was hoping for a calm summer before starting high school, but her father’s sudden extended business trip ruins that. His plan to have Abbey attend church camp in rural River Falls goes from bad to worse when she discovers the camp ended a week ago—leaving her stranded at Camp ToughLove, a boot camp for troubled teens.

River Falls has always had a spooky history, but the arrival of Abbey has turned the spook-ometer up to 11. First it’s cold spots and moving furniture, then it becomes a paranormal freakshow with a field of dead frogs, blood-red marks on the wall and the bodiless head of woman long-dead. Now, something is reaching out to Abbey with a mysterious symbol that shows up with more and more urgency. Thrown together with a boy she likes, a mean girl she doesn’t and a roommate with the mother-of-all split personalities, Abbey has to figure out the meaning of these otherworldly clues as her entire world crumbles down around her.

I have written professionally in advertising and marketing for over a decade. This is my third novel.

Allan Evans

Apr 18, 2011

QUERY- THE ODD I SEE, Third Revision

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.

(Grabbed a fistful of form rejections on the last version. Let's try this again!)

Dear Dream Agent,

After a falling out with her favorite hallucination, a half-assed stay in the loony bin, and a rather rude entrance into the “real world” by way of college graduation, Fiona wants to know why she ought to bother existing.

THE ODD I SEE is a coming of age story for the sort of person who staunchly refuses to come of age. One part heartfelt love letter, one part memory-laced suicide note, and one part metafictional choose-your-own-adventure-style romp, THE ODD I SEE is a 71,000-word work of quirky literary fiction with a speculative twist.

Twenty-two year old Fiona (or “Fifi” to everyone but her mother) works an underachiever’s dream job while struggling to reconcile her questionably sane worldview with recession-era middle-class American living. Her maybe-imaginary vampire lover tries to convince her that she'll become part of a constellation if she kills herself. On the other hand, her real-life boyfriend (whom she met while having an adventure in the art of pretending to be a prostitute) seems a solid case for divine intervention in a world Fifi deems just shy of apocalypse. Unsure of her continued interest in the business of existence, she uses blue (and sometimes black) humor to systematically reason her way through the meaning of life and into a decision about whether the act of living is worth the effort.

Written for and by someone who graduated with a liberal arts degree in the late 2000’s, THE ODD I SEE will appeal to any reader who has ever questioned the status quo.

(Brief paragraph of personalization.) Thank you for your time and consideration.

Bre Kidman

Query - The Desmona Child

Dear Agent,
                I am looking for an agent that likes fantasy/mythology with a twist. My debut novel, THE DESMONA CHILD, is a 106,000 word work of YA fantasy that leads up to the fall of Atlantis.
                 The ladies room is hardly where Marine Desmona expected a proposal. She had danced, giggled and enjoyed the night right up until a mysterious Duke cornered her and vowed everlasting love. In the tumultuous weeks following that event Marine is conflicted, but never more so than when she learns that she is the key to bringing magic back to the kingdom of Adara - and that having witch-blood makes her appealing to the Duke  because he wants to create a progeny of untold magical power. Such a child could have god-like dominion over life and death.
               A long journey to escape the Duke leads Marine to the literal doorstep of a fabled haven, the legendary Atlantis, where she hopes to disappear…

                 I am querying widely, but will grant exclusivity if you are interested in seeing more of my work.

Thank you for your time