Nov 17, 2009

Mourn Their Courage Query Re-write (2)

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first re-write.

Dear Mr./Ms. Agent:

All Liu Jie wants is a quiet, safe life with his wife and son, but when his nephew, the Ron Emperor, pleads for protection from attacking rebels, Jie builds an army. Then he discovers a starving orphan named Aiyu, whose only desire is acceptance and, secretly, escape from the creature that cost him his family. Haunted by his failure to save his oldest children, Jie is afraid Aiyu will die, leaving Jie responsible.

Jie attacks the rebels, but Aiyu's secret endangers Jie's wife and son as they flee each counter offensive. When tragedy strikes and Jie's wife sacrifices herself to save Aiyu and her son, Aiyu admits to his lies. He expects to die or be rejected by Jie, but rather than lose yet another loved one, Jie adopts Aiyu, fulfilling their mutual desire for family. They launch yet another attack where Jie wins despite overwhelming odds, but bitter loss continues to overshadow his victories until he must choose between the safety of his remaining children or his Empire's survival.

Hi, folks! I haven't bothered to paste the rest of the letter since it received approval last time. Can you tell me if this tracks for you? Thanks so much for all your help!


Click here to read the original query.

After praying the sinner’s prayer for the first time in her life, Melanie Hines doesn't feel right about sleeping with her boss anymore. She breaks up with Luke and accepts a six-month project in Seoul, Korea.

Brandon Stiegal, an international business consultant, is not amused at his client company's choice for the new system project leader. Despite his warning about the male-dominated business culture, the blond bombshell decides to stay and complete the project. Melanie's Iowa sweetness and admirable determination wins him over, and he wants to help her acclimate to Korea and keep her from stepping into any cultural potholes.

Luke might have sent her to Seoul as a punishment for breaking up with him, but Melanie intends to take full advantage of her stay by working hard and playing harder. As she clashes with the IT manager, Mr. Yee, who takes offence at a female project leader, Brandon is there to advise her. When she’s out at an exclusive night club with a wealthy young Korean man, Brandon cautions her. His uptight naggings should annoy her; instead her attraction for him intensifies.

Depressed about work and confused about her growing feelings for Brandon, she takes a weekend trip to China to do some sight-seeing and to get away from her problems. There, Melanie happens upon a North Korean restaurant, and out of curiosity, she enters, unaware of strange activities around her. When she returns to Seoul, a man in dark suit stalks her. The only person she can trust is Brandon.

The South Korean government suspects her of being a messenger for the North Korean spies. Brandon and Melanie flee to keep her from taken into the custody of the South Korean secret service while the American Embassy tries to prove her innocence from any espionage activity. Through the ordeal, their love for each other grows even as their faith is test. Can they trust God with all of their heart and soul?

HEART AND SEOUL, a Christian contemporary romance, is complete at 82,000 words. I am a member of the American Christian Fiction Writers and have been active in its critique groups since 2008.

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work.

Query - Tremorgan's Gift

I am writing to you because your house has published fantasy novels such as the Ranger's Apprentice series. I think my book would be enjoyed by readers of John Flannagan and Christopher Paolini.

TREMORGAN'S GIFT is a fast paced YA fantasy novel, complete at 70,000 words, and the first in a series.

With his dying breath the King of Agoria gives his daughter TREMORGAN (protagonist) the Stone of Remembrance, urging her to guard it with her life. Their father brutally murdered and their mother missing, Tremorgan and her brother ALLARD flee for their lives, desperate to reach the sanctuary of the Temple of El-Osm. But when their rescuer is killed and Allard is kidnapped by bounty hunters keen to claim the monetary reward their father's murder has placed on his head, Tremorgan is determined to save him. Aided by a Palatine bodyguard and an eclectic host of mythical creatures, Tremorgan sets out to rescue her brother and unravel the mysterious magic of the Stone.

(note: in NZ we can approach publishers directly, hence my first paragraph)