Jun 22, 2009

Immortalis Query -Revised

Click here to read the original query.

Dear Agent/Editor

I am pleased to submit for your consideration, IMMORTALIS: CARPE NOCTEM, an Urban Fantasy story, complete at 80,000 words.

Thrust into a dark world filled with bloodlust, religious fanaticism, and thousand-year old vendettas, Alyssa will have to find the strength to accept her terrifying new reality or submit to final death.

Bleeding to death after brutal mugging on the campus of UNLV, Twenty-five year old Alyssa, is rescued by beguiling and immortal Lysander. He gives her the gift, and curse, of immortality. Alyssa awakens as a vampire and is devastated by harsh realities of her new way of life: the loss of her friends, her independence, and her humanity.

Alyssa’s “turning,” did not go unnoticed by other members of the immortal world. She and Lysander are targeted for final death. An ancient sect of Catholic vampire hunters, known as the Acta Sanctorum, begins their hunt, vowing to destroy all vampires, in God’s name. Meanwhile, a vengeful lover from Lysander’s past seeks to exact her revenge, citing vampire law as her reason to kill them both. Only by letting go of her old self and accepting that she is a vampire, can Alyssa hope to survive. She will have to stand alongside of Lysander and fight, against two enemies who will stop at nothing to destroy them both.

IMMORTALIS: CARPE NOCTEM, will take you on a journey with Alyssa, delving deep into the emotional upheaval that is the transformation from human to vampire. This is my d├ębut novel and the first in a series of dark and sexy vampire stories. I would be happy to send more if you like what you see here.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Hopeful Author


MonikaS said...

I love the story and I think you have a great query started.

In my humble opinion I would just make a few changes:

1. Take out paragraph 5 - the thank you is enough.

2. take out where the mugging takes place - words are precious and this isn't vital to your query

3.why are Alyssa and Lysander targeted all of the sudden? just because they are vampires?

4.What ancient law is the ex-lover using?

You did a great job with both the internal and external conflict! Way to go!

B.E. Sanderson said...

This sounds like the type of book I'd be interested in reading, but you need some tightening to really make the story shine through. As always take the following comments for what they're worth:

I'd start the query with the third paragraph. Move the info in the first paragraph to after your blurb, and ditch the second paragraph entirely - it seems like telling when showing is what you want.

For the third paragraph, you've got some 'passive' going on. Try something like: After a brutal mugging, Alyssa is close to bleeding to death when the beguiling Lysander gives her the gift, and the curse, of immortality as a newly turned vampire.

Then move right into the next major plot point in the same paragraph: Now both of them have been targeted, not only by an ancient sect of Catholic vampire hunters for the final death, but by the vampires themselves.

And hit the agents with your next paragraph: Only by letting go of her old self will Alyssa hope to survive as they fight against two sets of enemies bent on destroying them both.

With the last paragraph, you're telling again. Give them the title, the word count, and the genre. Say something like: Immortalis: Carpe Noctem - a paranormal romance complete at 80K - is my first novel and was written as the first in a series of dark, sexy vampire stories. Below is x-number of pages (a synopsis, or whatever they ask for). I would appreciate the opportunity to send the rest of my manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Like I said, the premise sounds interesting. You just need to let the agents see the bones of it, without cluttering it up too much. Get the pages requested, and let your words do their job.

Good luck. I really do hope I can buy this someday. =o)

Robyn Campbell said...

I would start the query with the story. It's a given that you are looking for representation and/or publication. Move the word count down into the third or so paragraph. I like the second paragraph. It's a great tagline. It should be the first thing the agent/editor sees when she/he settles in to read your query. Here's how I was taught to do it. Tagline
Book info
Great job, as always take or toss. :)

Katie Salidas said...

Thanks for the comments and suggestions, I really appreciate it.