Nov 17, 2009

Mourn Their Courage Query Re-write (2)

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first re-write.

Dear Mr./Ms. Agent:

All Liu Jie wants is a quiet, safe life with his wife and son, but when his nephew, the Ron Emperor, pleads for protection from attacking rebels, Jie builds an army. Then he discovers a starving orphan named Aiyu, whose only desire is acceptance and, secretly, escape from the creature that cost him his family. Haunted by his failure to save his oldest children, Jie is afraid Aiyu will die, leaving Jie responsible.

Jie attacks the rebels, but Aiyu's secret endangers Jie's wife and son as they flee each counter offensive. When tragedy strikes and Jie's wife sacrifices herself to save Aiyu and her son, Aiyu admits to his lies. He expects to die or be rejected by Jie, but rather than lose yet another loved one, Jie adopts Aiyu, fulfilling their mutual desire for family. They launch yet another attack where Jie wins despite overwhelming odds, but bitter loss continues to overshadow his victories until he must choose between the safety of his remaining children or his Empire's survival.

Hi, folks! I haven't bothered to paste the rest of the letter since it received approval last time. Can you tell me if this tracks for you? Thanks so much for all your help!


Victoria Dixon said...

Ironically, now that I see this online, I see how stilted that first paragraph is. *Sigh* Do I need all that info? Can I cut or do I need a re-write?

Suzan Harden said...

This is much more specific and makes more sense than the last versions. The reader now knows what Jie has at stake in the story.

The first paragraph does need a little ironing. Watch out for all those passive verbs. Also, you only mention this mysterious creature once. If the creature is instrumental to the climax, then it needs to be mentioned in the second paragraph. If not, leave it out.

This is a much better query. You're almost there. Just a little more tweaking.

Gina Logue said...

Hi Victoria,

I thought this version explained Jie’s problem and his choice much better.

I did get confused by the second part of the second sentence (and, secretly, escape from the creature…)

Best wishes! I hope you land an agent.