Jan 25, 2010


Dear Agent,

Rochelle kept her body posed, ready to ponce with her knife. She kept her gaze on the man who above all wanted her blood. Little did he know it was his that would be spilled.

Twenty year old Rochelle was warned he was coming for her. Hadrian, a tempus viator, or time traveler like herself, is threatening the very existence of their kind. His greed for power and envy for her ability to see into the past make her his number one priority. Rochelle must leave her small town of Franklin, Tennessee and face the man who has ruined so much of her life already.

TEMPUS VIATOR is science fiction complete at 73,000 words. I would be happy to send a manuscript upon your request.


Joy Wilson


dolorah said...

I like this, I get to start with something really obvious. "ponce" should be "pounce".

This is very concise. I almost get enough info. And that first paragraph is awesome.

A few minor additions:

How is Hadrian (just love that name) threatening the "very existence of her kind." And how does she use her "ability to see into the past" to thwart him. And what, exactly, did he do to "ruin so much of her life".

Personally, I was hooked with the first paragraph. I hope the energy and intrigue you begin with is sustained throughout the novel.

An awesome project for the lucky agent that snaps this up, I'm sure.


Kelsey (Dominique) Ridge said...

I didn't feel like there was enough information here. The second paragraph told me a lot of what I'd want to know, but I feel you need to share more of the actual plot of the story. She has to leave her town. Then what?

I wasn't such a fan of the first paragraph. It felt to me like the opening line of your book, and quoting the book in the query seems to be something agents frown on.

Rick Daley said...

This is concise and has some intriguing elements, but there are a couple things that caught my eye:

- ponce / pounce. Blogging agents usually say a typo won't kill you, but you still don't want one in the first sentence. But hey, that's why you submitted here, right ;-)

- Should posed be poised?

- There is a mix of past and present tense. Typical format for a query is present tense.

- If he is a time traveler like herself, why can't he see into the past, too?

- I wouldn't say I'd be happy to send you a manuscript... because it is implied by the fact that you are querying an agent. I recommend closing with "Thank you for your time and consideration."

Good luck!

Joy D. Fanning said...

Wow! Thanks everyone! I can't spell worth crap so I had no idea I spelled pounce wrong. Sad, I know. I also think the second paragraph needed a little more but I had more before I wrote this draft and people were telling me it was to much info. I will keep playing around. Look out for my next draft! Thanks again for the input!

RC Writer Girl said...

I agree with those who said there's not enough information in the query. I can't get a real sense of the story.

If you're having trouble figuring out what to cut and what to keep, just be sure to answer the following questions: What does main character want? What obstacle is in MC's way? What is at stake if MC doesn't achieve goal? If you have two MCs, give other MC's goal, obstacle,too.

If you answer those questions, you'll have a pretty decent synopiss of the story for a query.

Starving Writer said...

Not liking or understanding the first paragraph. Maybe you should lose it.

Second para has a lot of stuff that needs to be developed more.

Hadrian - uber cool name.