Oct 6, 2010

Query - The Paw Shake Portal (Second Revision)

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.

Dear (Agent):

Eleven-year-old Alex’s new pet is no ordinary cat. He’s shocked to find that the stray he’s been caring for is able to transform into a girl his age. Her name is Lumina, and she approaches Alex to ask for his assistance in fighting Alley Scratch, an army of cats that hate people. She is a member of the royal cat family, dedicated to loving and respecting humans. Naturally, she and her siblings are the army’s prime targets.

The only way for Lumina to gain the strength and endurance to battle Alley Scratch is to form a “bond of trust” with Alex—the more their friendship grows, the healthier and stronger she will become. Alex is eager to form this bond to help her, but he also comes up with an idea of his own: Why not show the Alley Scratch cats kindness to help turn them around to the good side?

Unfortunately, the cats aren’t swayed by friendly chatter and an all-you-can-eat picnic. This only ends up causing a chaotic brawl and putting Lumina and her family in even greater danger. Alex must find a way to protect his feline friends without causing another disaster, and he’s willing to do whatever it takes to save them.

THE DISCOVERY OF LUMINA is a middle grade novel complete at 30,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


(Note: When I took out the unneeded first paragraph in the last draft, it left me with a boring hook, hence the rewritten beginning. As always, please be honest and let me know if any of this doesn't work. You guys are awesome, thanks for your help!)


Kelsey (Dominique) Ridge said...

I rather like this version. It's concise, and I think you've hit all the major points.

Anonymous Author said...

Much, much better.

Now, you've still got way more info about Lumina than about Alex. Is it possible that she's the main character? Is the story from Alex's POV? I can think of plenty of successful novels where this is the case; I'm just wondering.

Shelley Sly said...

Dominique - Thank you!

Anonymous - Thanks for bringing this up, I see what you mean. Yes, the story is from Alex's POV, but I recognize there's a large focus on Lumina. There's plenty of plot surrounding Alex, as well as internal conflict, and I checked to make sure he actually *does* something in the book (instead of just making things happen to him, you know?) I think it's just hard to fit it all in the query.

I'll do some more thinking and see if there's anything more I can add without saturating the query. I appreciate your insight!