Apr 18, 2011

Query - The Desmona Child

Dear Agent,
                I am looking for an agent that likes fantasy/mythology with a twist. My debut novel, THE DESMONA CHILD, is a 106,000 word work of YA fantasy that leads up to the fall of Atlantis.
                 The ladies room is hardly where Marine Desmona expected a proposal. She had danced, giggled and enjoyed the night right up until a mysterious Duke cornered her and vowed everlasting love. In the tumultuous weeks following that event Marine is conflicted, but never more so than when she learns that she is the key to bringing magic back to the kingdom of Adara - and that having witch-blood makes her appealing to the Duke  because he wants to create a progeny of untold magical power. Such a child could have god-like dominion over life and death.
               A long journey to escape the Duke leads Marine to the literal doorstep of a fabled haven, the legendary Atlantis, where she hopes to disappear…

                 I am querying widely, but will grant exclusivity if you are interested in seeing more of my work.

Thank you for your time


Stephanie Lorée said...

This same query just went up on QueryShark. I can't give a better critique than Ms. Reid. I can only emphasize and agree with her points. You should follow them and revise accordingly.

Whatever you do, do not grant exclusivity. It only hampers you as an author.

Anonymous Author said...

Yeah, I saw this on Query Shark too. Some good comments there, which it looks like the writer mainly ignored. (Unless this version was submitted to this site before it went up on QS.) Writer, here's what I get from your synopsis of the story:

1. Marine Desmona, who giggles, is at a party or something when a Duke proposes to her in the ladies' room.

2. She finds out she has witch-blood and is the key, in some way, to bringing back magic to Adara.

3. She runs off to Atlantis.

What I still don't know:

1. What she says when he proposes to her.

2. Whether she lives in Adara, is visiting Adara, or has never heard of the place.

3. What Atlantis is doing in the story.

4. What the story's actually about. Try to sum up what the story's about in one sentence, maximum length 20 words. Twenty ordinary words, no fluff. Then build the query from there.