Click here to read the query.
A revision of the query has been posted, click here to read it.
Click here to read the original sample page.
Hello everyone! Revised the opening pages of BROKEN based on feedback. Interested in comments of all sorts. Thank you again for your time!
She didn’t notice the blood at first.
Glittering packs of high-heeled twentysomethings shivered past her on their way from one bar to the next, and her head was thick from dollar pitchers with the boys after shift change.
She waved off catcalls from a man across the street who wasn’t shy about telling her how happy he could make her New Year.
“You a cop?” he asked, eyeing her uniform. “‘Cause I’m a bad, bad boy.”
Flashing the badge and writing up a horny drunk for public intoxication would have taken less than ten minutes, but she was off duty and close to the two bedroom apartment she shared with her kid sister, Connie.
The first few riffs of “Come on Eileen” burst through an open door, pummeling dirty snow banks and wobbly patrons who’d stepped outside for a smoke. She couldn’t place the other songs in the air. They were heavy with base and drums. The kind of music that Connie would know.
She didn’t hear a scream.
Connie was probably in one of these bars, wearing the skimpy Max Mara dress she’d borrowed to impress the bartender with the goatee who couldn’t take the night off. Connie could do better than that guy, she thought. Better than most of the guys she’d been dating.
She turned into the alley near the back entrance to their apartment complex. A sodium street lamp on the fritz flashed an orange glow across the dumpsters at unpredictable intervals, and something flickered in the darkness beneath a shadowy mound that resembled a garbage bag.
She didn’t see the blood.
Mrs. Lipinski, the old widow on the third floor, was dropping trash off the back porch again. She swore under her breath, expecting to find the alley littered with spoiled fish and cartons of rancid milk like last time.
She didn’t.
Her footsteps slowed to a halt. Her eyes settled on a high heel shoe poking out of the snow and found the mate flung inches away.
And when the sodium lamp flashed at the shadows again, Madeline Gunn saw the rest. She saw the ground beneath her oil-slicked with her sister’s blood. Blood that still gushed from the places where Connie’s flesh had been ripped down to muscle and bone. She saw the Max Mara dress shredded past her sister’s waist, exposing Connie’s bare, beaten body to the cold and the night.
Mostly, she saw that her sister had been running towards home, Madeline thought. And that she wasn’t there to save her.
Madeline dropped to her knees and cupped her sister’s still warm face in her hands. She stared into the glassy eyes that looked out at nothing and called Connie’s name until she knew that her sister would never reply with a word or a whisper.
Madeline Gunn rose to her feet and unholstered the gun at her waist. Her hands, wet with her sister’s blood, burned in the frozen wind. She stepped into the darkness, and her breath quickened to the ragged pant of an animal poised to kill.
Aug 12, 2009
Aug 11, 2009
QUERY – A SCORPION’S NATURE – REVISION #2
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Agent,
The other sunny idiots at YMCA Camp Powell could hold hands and Kum Ba Yah all they wanted. Thirteen year old Kyle Matusik lashed back at his evil Junior Counselor and a tyrant camper. Unleashing his rage was the only way Kyle knew how to deal with the torment of his father’s suspicious death. It stunk that he might get booted out, though. He was so close to talking with that gorgeous girl in his sports class. She seemed lonely too, just like him.
A SCORPION’S NATURE unfolds in a rollicking summer camp with quirky songs and food so atrocious even the director’s mutt refuses to eat the Cheesy Fish Tarts. My 55,000 word middle grade novel grew out of twenty years as a YMCA camper, counselor, and director.
The complete manuscript is available upon your request. Thank you for considering my work.
Sincerely,
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Agent,
The other sunny idiots at YMCA Camp Powell could hold hands and Kum Ba Yah all they wanted. Thirteen year old Kyle Matusik lashed back at his evil Junior Counselor and a tyrant camper. Unleashing his rage was the only way Kyle knew how to deal with the torment of his father’s suspicious death. It stunk that he might get booted out, though. He was so close to talking with that gorgeous girl in his sports class. She seemed lonely too, just like him.
A SCORPION’S NATURE unfolds in a rollicking summer camp with quirky songs and food so atrocious even the director’s mutt refuses to eat the Cheesy Fish Tarts. My 55,000 word middle grade novel grew out of twenty years as a YMCA camper, counselor, and director.
The complete manuscript is available upon your request. Thank you for considering my work.
Sincerely,
Query - Genesis (Revision One)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent:
“It’s okay to be a little crazy,” she says with a chuckle. Detective Anna Savage is no stranger to sin or violence. But her past motivates her to protect others from the evil she knows is out there; the darkness she has been drawn to her entire life.
After a chance encounter with tall-dark-and-handsome in Pittsburgh, her old passions for secrets and mystery start to resurface like wounds reopening to the air. Then finally her wealthy, sexy suitor comes to sweep her off her feet and carry her to a mansion in the City of Love. It’s not a problem that Pierre DuChamps is a vampire. In fact, that only sweetens the deal. It’s a dream come true for Anna, a dark fairy tale she had only imagined would ever come true. She could really see herself loving him.
But he is determined to find a cure for his Thirst. In some way Anna doesn’t understand, the solution seems to be in an unborn half-human, half-vampire child. It’s an anomaly, but much more than a science experiment to its expecting parents. The birth is imminent, but the baby’s fate is unclear. Are Pierre’s intentions pure or does he have some sinister intent for the child? And her dreams keep warning Anna that Pierre is not what he seems. Does she follow her heart and help the vampire she’s falling for, or trust in her instinct to protect the innocent?
There’s no way for her to know the importance of her choice; that with this child comes the entire force of Heaven. This child will mark the beginning of the journey to save the souls corrupted inside the world’s vampires. To the victor goes Salvation, and it all hinges on Anna Savage.
Genesis is a completed contemporary fantasy novel. Thank you for taking the time to consider my query.
Sincerely,
Tara
[Contact Info]
Dear Agent:
“It’s okay to be a little crazy,” she says with a chuckle. Detective Anna Savage is no stranger to sin or violence. But her past motivates her to protect others from the evil she knows is out there; the darkness she has been drawn to her entire life.
After a chance encounter with tall-dark-and-handsome in Pittsburgh, her old passions for secrets and mystery start to resurface like wounds reopening to the air. Then finally her wealthy, sexy suitor comes to sweep her off her feet and carry her to a mansion in the City of Love. It’s not a problem that Pierre DuChamps is a vampire. In fact, that only sweetens the deal. It’s a dream come true for Anna, a dark fairy tale she had only imagined would ever come true. She could really see herself loving him.
But he is determined to find a cure for his Thirst. In some way Anna doesn’t understand, the solution seems to be in an unborn half-human, half-vampire child. It’s an anomaly, but much more than a science experiment to its expecting parents. The birth is imminent, but the baby’s fate is unclear. Are Pierre’s intentions pure or does he have some sinister intent for the child? And her dreams keep warning Anna that Pierre is not what he seems. Does she follow her heart and help the vampire she’s falling for, or trust in her instinct to protect the innocent?
There’s no way for her to know the importance of her choice; that with this child comes the entire force of Heaven. This child will mark the beginning of the journey to save the souls corrupted inside the world’s vampires. To the victor goes Salvation, and it all hinges on Anna Savage.
Genesis is a completed contemporary fantasy novel. Thank you for taking the time to consider my query.
Sincerely,
Tara
[Contact Info]
The Last Flight- Revision 3
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the second version.
Richard Harper, freelance and highly touted insurance investigator, accepted an offer from the Chief Financial Officer of Global Investments LTD to investigate the largest investment scheme he had ever known. Becoming part of an elaborate cover-up never entered his mind, nor did the idea of his wife Lydia being seduced by Mark Flannary, CEO of Global Investments LTD.
The Division of Enforcement of the Securities and Exchange Commission has been monitoring the irregularities in the hedge funds data base for Global Investments LTD all of 2008. Now in early 2009, Jeff Conklin, special investigator for the SEC, begins to unravel the scheme that may well take the company to financial ruin. Collaborating with Richard Harper, Jeff finds that not all is what it seems to be. Trust, sex, and murder are wrapped tightly in the investigation as Jeff gives due diligence to his case.
I am looking for representation for a completed 85K word crime genre novel. Your agency was recommended as one of the top 50 in the country for longevity and for getting results. Also, Mr. Fry, I noticed when visiting your web site, you have particular interest in crime genre.
Thank you in advance for your time reading my query and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Robert Meacham
Click here to read the second version.
Richard Harper, freelance and highly touted insurance investigator, accepted an offer from the Chief Financial Officer of Global Investments LTD to investigate the largest investment scheme he had ever known. Becoming part of an elaborate cover-up never entered his mind, nor did the idea of his wife Lydia being seduced by Mark Flannary, CEO of Global Investments LTD.
The Division of Enforcement of the Securities and Exchange Commission has been monitoring the irregularities in the hedge funds data base for Global Investments LTD all of 2008. Now in early 2009, Jeff Conklin, special investigator for the SEC, begins to unravel the scheme that may well take the company to financial ruin. Collaborating with Richard Harper, Jeff finds that not all is what it seems to be. Trust, sex, and murder are wrapped tightly in the investigation as Jeff gives due diligence to his case.
I am looking for representation for a completed 85K word crime genre novel. Your agency was recommended as one of the top 50 in the country for longevity and for getting results. Also, Mr. Fry, I noticed when visiting your web site, you have particular interest in crime genre.
Thank you in advance for your time reading my query and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Robert Meacham
Aug 10, 2009
Query - 'History Lessons'
Oxford University freshers* Quinn Foster and Jack Townshend embark on history degrees at St. Swithun’s College expecting the same things as most Oxford freshers; academic rigor, a world-renowned faculty and a lifetime of shameless name dropping. They don’t expect to discover that a celebrated British General threw the American Revolution.
When the respected, brilliant and terrifying Professor Clifton assigns them a joint research project, the two stumble upon the journal of General George Padgett, lead commander of British forces in the American Revolution. A guilt-ridden account of his role in a plot to depose King George III, Padgett’s narrative weaves a tale of ambition and idealism gone awry while turning conventional historical scholarship on its head.
Stunned, Jack and Quinn hunt for further proof of Padgett’s claims before making the journal public. But when Quinn's best friend is brutally attacked within the secure college walls and the journal is stolen from Jack’s room, they realize that exposing Padgett’s tale will have consequences reaching far beyond academia. Someone else knows his story and will stop at nothing to keep it out of history books for good.
Jack and Quinn have a choice – to shut their eyes to a groundbreaking discovery and get on with life or to continue their pursuit of the truth and risk everything that matters.
History Lessons is complete at 78,000 words. I am a 2008 graduate of Oxford University with a B.A. in History. My undergraduate thesis focused upon the events leading up to the American Revolution and an essay I wrote on the same period was published in the 2005 Summer Edition of The Concord Review, a historical journal.
Thanks very much for your time and consideration.
When the respected, brilliant and terrifying Professor Clifton assigns them a joint research project, the two stumble upon the journal of General George Padgett, lead commander of British forces in the American Revolution. A guilt-ridden account of his role in a plot to depose King George III, Padgett’s narrative weaves a tale of ambition and idealism gone awry while turning conventional historical scholarship on its head.
Stunned, Jack and Quinn hunt for further proof of Padgett’s claims before making the journal public. But when Quinn's best friend is brutally attacked within the secure college walls and the journal is stolen from Jack’s room, they realize that exposing Padgett’s tale will have consequences reaching far beyond academia. Someone else knows his story and will stop at nothing to keep it out of history books for good.
Jack and Quinn have a choice – to shut their eyes to a groundbreaking discovery and get on with life or to continue their pursuit of the truth and risk everything that matters.
History Lessons is complete at 78,000 words. I am a 2008 graduate of Oxford University with a B.A. in History. My undergraduate thesis focused upon the events leading up to the American Revolution and an essay I wrote on the same period was published in the 2005 Summer Edition of The Concord Review, a historical journal.
Thanks very much for your time and consideration.
QUERY: NOT HER MOTHER'S FATE
A revision of this query has been posted. Click here to read it.
Not Her Mother’s Fate, a 90,000 word family drama set in Oroville, Ca, between 1978 - 1983, would appeal to women who have either been victims of domestic violence and/or sexual assault, or who have known someone who is a survivor.
Amy Thompson never expected to find a safe haven from her abusive childhood among the burnouts and party crowd when she accepts a friend’s invitation to roommate. With the support of friends, she is able to heal, and when impulsively charming Robert Crane makes his move, she is ready for romance. It doesn’t take long for Robert’s alcoholic nature to manifest, but the couple are pressured by friends, family and church to remain together.
As Robert’s drunkenness escalates into violence, Amy is haunted by flashbacks and nightmares of her childhood, and she’s determined not to end up with her own mother’s deadly fate. Escape is not so easy however, as Amy’s attraction to his best friend - a man who frequently and unwittingly rescues her from the worst of Robert’s failings - becomes a testing ground of friendship, love and loyalty. A final tragedy forces Amy to choose between abandoning both men, or making one last attempt at true love.
Thank you for reviewing my project. Per your submission guidelines, please find below the first five pages of Not Her Mother’s Fate.
Sincerely,
Donna Hole
Not Her Mother’s Fate, a 90,000 word family drama set in Oroville, Ca, between 1978 - 1983, would appeal to women who have either been victims of domestic violence and/or sexual assault, or who have known someone who is a survivor.
Amy Thompson never expected to find a safe haven from her abusive childhood among the burnouts and party crowd when she accepts a friend’s invitation to roommate. With the support of friends, she is able to heal, and when impulsively charming Robert Crane makes his move, she is ready for romance. It doesn’t take long for Robert’s alcoholic nature to manifest, but the couple are pressured by friends, family and church to remain together.
As Robert’s drunkenness escalates into violence, Amy is haunted by flashbacks and nightmares of her childhood, and she’s determined not to end up with her own mother’s deadly fate. Escape is not so easy however, as Amy’s attraction to his best friend - a man who frequently and unwittingly rescues her from the worst of Robert’s failings - becomes a testing ground of friendship, love and loyalty. A final tragedy forces Amy to choose between abandoning both men, or making one last attempt at true love.
Thank you for reviewing my project. Per your submission guidelines, please find below the first five pages of Not Her Mother’s Fate.
Sincerely,
Donna Hole
Critiquing Critiques (Revision 1)
If there are any of you that didn't see my guest post over at Nathan Bransford's blog, here is a re-posting. Don't by shy about clicking over to the original, there are many comments with additional advice, including some good points by regular commentors here (Bane of Anubis, for example had a great follow up comment, so did Tricia O'Brien). For those who did see it, you may notice a few additions in this version...
Critiquing Critiques
Writing a novel is a lonely task. Sure, our characters keep us company, but after numerous readings and revisions they transform into red-headed step-children and we want them to leave us alone. That’s when it’s time to ship them off to boarding school, where they are tested under the critiques of our friends and family. Not all of them graduate.
As writers, we yearn for feedback. Aside from the chosen few who produce flawless prose on the first draft (and can’t ever fathom why the query for their masterpiece was rejected by those ungrateful agents), we understand that hearing the honest opinions of readers is crucial to perfecting our work. However, opening our souls to criticism can be daunting…
Giving a Critique
I recommend the sandwich approach, where you start with a positive point, give an honest opinion of what doesn’t work for you (may be multiple points), and then end with another positive point or words of encouragement. I’ve found that the sandwich approach helps put recipients at ease (especially if they are hungry). It makes people more receptive to constructive criticism and keeps them from getting overly defensive. If you are taking the time to provide the feedback, you should want the person to actually do something with it.
Be careful if you re-write something as an example, especially in a query critique. A short clause or sentence is one thing, but if you start re-writing paragraphs you are providing more than advice – you are providing voice.
Know your audience and respect the forum. If it is public, and you are criticizing the work of someone you don't know, and extra level of professionalism is warranted. Some sites that post work for feedback are dedicated to snark and humor, some blunt force trauma, and some polite but pointed feedback. This particular site fits in the latter-most category.
What Not to Do When Giving a Critique
- Don’t be overly apologetic or you will undermine your own opinions.
- Don’t hunt for things just because you feel you have to suggest something. Sometimes the work we review is really good. However…
- Don’t limit your feedback to praise just because you are afraid to hurt someone’s feelings. Paula Abdul has cornered that market. (NOTE: This position is open again, she's leaving Idol. But remember - there can be only one!)
- Don’t be a ruthless jerk. Simon Cowell has cornered that market.
- Don't get upset if someone doesn't run with your advice. If you say, "Why did you ask me if you weren't going to do what I said?" I will answer: Because I didn't know what your response would be.
Receiving a Critique
Rule # 1: Don’t pout if you hear something negative. Remember that you asked for the feedback in the first place. Don't get defensive and don't argue.
Rule # 2: Wait until all the feedback is in before you seriously contemplate your changes. Depending on the length of the work in question (e.g. a query vs a full manuscript) this may be 24 hours, or it may be several weeks.
Rule # 3: Seriously contemplate your changes. Take time. Work through it. You never microwave a roast. Slow cooking always turns out better. (NOTE: what’s with all the food references?)
Rule # 4: Look for common threads in the feedback and start there. The advice of the many outweighs the advice of the few.
Rule # 5: Re-write. If someone provides a re-write as an example, don’t just copy it. Try to understand why they suggested those changes. Otherwise you may dilute your own voice and you miss the opportunity to learn something.
Rule # 6: Ask for clarification if you don’t understand something. (NOTE: Please remember that this is in regard to critiques, not form rejections. Agents are not critique partners. No matter how much we want them to be.)
Rule #7: Be ready to disregard any feedback that doesn't make sense. Sometimes people will tell you to say something different, but that does not always equate to better. Some people may give ill-advised feedback. If it doesn't make sense and if clarification seems unnecessary, just disregard it.
Rule # 8: Thank the people who took the time to offer their feedback, and pay it forward by offering a critique to someone else.
Critiquing Critiques
Writing a novel is a lonely task. Sure, our characters keep us company, but after numerous readings and revisions they transform into red-headed step-children and we want them to leave us alone. That’s when it’s time to ship them off to boarding school, where they are tested under the critiques of our friends and family. Not all of them graduate.
As writers, we yearn for feedback. Aside from the chosen few who produce flawless prose on the first draft (and can’t ever fathom why the query for their masterpiece was rejected by those ungrateful agents), we understand that hearing the honest opinions of readers is crucial to perfecting our work. However, opening our souls to criticism can be daunting…
Giving a Critique
I recommend the sandwich approach, where you start with a positive point, give an honest opinion of what doesn’t work for you (may be multiple points), and then end with another positive point or words of encouragement. I’ve found that the sandwich approach helps put recipients at ease (especially if they are hungry). It makes people more receptive to constructive criticism and keeps them from getting overly defensive. If you are taking the time to provide the feedback, you should want the person to actually do something with it.
Be careful if you re-write something as an example, especially in a query critique. A short clause or sentence is one thing, but if you start re-writing paragraphs you are providing more than advice – you are providing voice.
Know your audience and respect the forum. If it is public, and you are criticizing the work of someone you don't know, and extra level of professionalism is warranted. Some sites that post work for feedback are dedicated to snark and humor, some blunt force trauma, and some polite but pointed feedback. This particular site fits in the latter-most category.
What Not to Do When Giving a Critique
- Don’t be overly apologetic or you will undermine your own opinions.
- Don’t hunt for things just because you feel you have to suggest something. Sometimes the work we review is really good. However…
- Don’t limit your feedback to praise just because you are afraid to hurt someone’s feelings. Paula Abdul has cornered that market. (NOTE: This position is open again, she's leaving Idol. But remember - there can be only one!)
- Don’t be a ruthless jerk. Simon Cowell has cornered that market.
- Don't get upset if someone doesn't run with your advice. If you say, "Why did you ask me if you weren't going to do what I said?" I will answer: Because I didn't know what your response would be.
Receiving a Critique
Rule # 1: Don’t pout if you hear something negative. Remember that you asked for the feedback in the first place. Don't get defensive and don't argue.
Rule # 2: Wait until all the feedback is in before you seriously contemplate your changes. Depending on the length of the work in question (e.g. a query vs a full manuscript) this may be 24 hours, or it may be several weeks.
Rule # 3: Seriously contemplate your changes. Take time. Work through it. You never microwave a roast. Slow cooking always turns out better. (NOTE: what’s with all the food references?)
Rule # 4: Look for common threads in the feedback and start there. The advice of the many outweighs the advice of the few.
Rule # 5: Re-write. If someone provides a re-write as an example, don’t just copy it. Try to understand why they suggested those changes. Otherwise you may dilute your own voice and you miss the opportunity to learn something.
Rule # 6: Ask for clarification if you don’t understand something. (NOTE: Please remember that this is in regard to critiques, not form rejections. Agents are not critique partners. No matter how much we want them to be.)
Rule #7: Be ready to disregard any feedback that doesn't make sense. Sometimes people will tell you to say something different, but that does not always equate to better. Some people may give ill-advised feedback. If it doesn't make sense and if clarification seems unnecessary, just disregard it.
Rule # 8: Thank the people who took the time to offer their feedback, and pay it forward by offering a critique to someone else.
Aug 8, 2009
Query: FERRIS' BLUFF #4 (Thriller)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Agency
Agent
Street Address
New York, NY, 10010
Dear Ms. Agent,
Ace Evans is an ex-SEAL/undercover operative forced to live a solitary vagabond existence. He risks a visit with an old friend and soon discovers that the quaint, gossipy little town of Ferris’ Bluff, Arkansas, has a very dark side.
His friend is in a coma, a virtual prisoner in the nursing home, and Ace is drawn into a series of confrontations with a number of ruthless local villains--a conniving greedy lawyer, his even greedier wife, and a brutal town tough.
And if that ain’t thorny enough—Russian gangsters, vengeful enemies from his shadowy past are skulking around.
Ace knows he should hit the road, not only to protect his fragile alias but also to (hopefully) assure the safety of his new friends; especially Annie Travers, the woman he has been trying to deny a growing affection for, a widow as lonely and damaged as he is.
But the body count rises and the lawyer’s murderous schemes continue to threaten the people he’s become very fond of.
Resolved to make a life for himself in Ferris’ Bluff, Ace enlists the aid of his new friends to try and pull off a dangerous ruse, a bluff of his own, luring both the lawyer and the Russians into a violent, deadly showdown.
FERRIS’ BLUFF is a 96K word thriller with a southern drawl and a smoldering romance tucked inside. Thanks for taking a look. I hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
Fred Limberg
Email
phone
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Agency
Agent
Street Address
New York, NY, 10010
Dear Ms. Agent,
Ace Evans is an ex-SEAL/undercover operative forced to live a solitary vagabond existence. He risks a visit with an old friend and soon discovers that the quaint, gossipy little town of Ferris’ Bluff, Arkansas, has a very dark side.
His friend is in a coma, a virtual prisoner in the nursing home, and Ace is drawn into a series of confrontations with a number of ruthless local villains--a conniving greedy lawyer, his even greedier wife, and a brutal town tough.
And if that ain’t thorny enough—Russian gangsters, vengeful enemies from his shadowy past are skulking around.
Ace knows he should hit the road, not only to protect his fragile alias but also to (hopefully) assure the safety of his new friends; especially Annie Travers, the woman he has been trying to deny a growing affection for, a widow as lonely and damaged as he is.
But the body count rises and the lawyer’s murderous schemes continue to threaten the people he’s become very fond of.
Resolved to make a life for himself in Ferris’ Bluff, Ace enlists the aid of his new friends to try and pull off a dangerous ruse, a bluff of his own, luring both the lawyer and the Russians into a violent, deadly showdown.
FERRIS’ BLUFF is a 96K word thriller with a southern drawl and a smoldering romance tucked inside. Thanks for taking a look. I hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
Fred Limberg
phone
Query - Genesis
Dr. Maggie LeBlanc is a specialist in blood. She's a scientist, a Catholic, and an innocent, desperately trying to save lives. Rick Herten is a specialist in depravity. He's a rockstar, a womanizer and a violent alcoholic, slowly destroying himself to atone for old sins. They're a highly improbable pair who, under normal circumstances, would never even meet, much less have a child together.
Pierre DuChamps, a sadistic vampire looking for a cure for his thirst, will change those circumstances in the most drastic of ways. When he abducts them away to his house in Paris, they must count on one another to live through it and protect their unborn son. In the middle is Pierre's love, Anna Savage, a human detective torn between her protective instinct and her desire for the dark power that he can offer her.
But none of them can know the importance of their choices; that with this child comes the entire force of Heaven. This is the Genesis of the solution; the beginning of the journey to save the souls lost to the vampire blood. These three people are brought together in Paris to fulfill their intertwined destinies and save countless thousands from their perpetual Hell. To the victor goes Salvation.
Genesis is complete at 127,000 words and well-suited for the adult fantasy market. It is intended as part of a book series, the second of which is in outline form. I know you’re up to your ears in queries, so thank you for taking the time to read this. Please feel free to email me at bloodcrossed@gmail.com if you are interested in viewing a more detailed sample of the work. Thanks again for your consideration.
Pierre DuChamps, a sadistic vampire looking for a cure for his thirst, will change those circumstances in the most drastic of ways. When he abducts them away to his house in Paris, they must count on one another to live through it and protect their unborn son. In the middle is Pierre's love, Anna Savage, a human detective torn between her protective instinct and her desire for the dark power that he can offer her.
But none of them can know the importance of their choices; that with this child comes the entire force of Heaven. This is the Genesis of the solution; the beginning of the journey to save the souls lost to the vampire blood. These three people are brought together in Paris to fulfill their intertwined destinies and save countless thousands from their perpetual Hell. To the victor goes Salvation.
Genesis is complete at 127,000 words and well-suited for the adult fantasy market. It is intended as part of a book series, the second of which is in outline form. I know you’re up to your ears in queries, so thank you for taking the time to read this. Please feel free to email me at bloodcrossed@gmail.com if you are interested in viewing a more detailed sample of the work. Thanks again for your consideration.
Query- The Last Flight (Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Richard pulled the chord.The chute did not open. He grabbed the emergency chord and the chute did not respond. He calculated his life ending in approximately ninety seconds, not enough time to review instant replay of his life.
Richard Harper accepted an offer to investigate the largest insurance fraud he had ever known. Getting corrupted never entered his mind, nor did the idea of his wife Lydia getting seduced by Mark Flannary, CEO of Global Investments LTD.
The SEC had been watching the irregularities in the hedge funds for Global Investments LTD all of 2008. Now in early 2009, Jeff Conklin, special investigator for SEC, begins to unravel the company's scheme.Befriending Richard Harper , Jeff finds that all is not what it seems to be. Trust, sex, and murder is wrapped tightly in the lives of Richard, wife Lydia,and Mark before justice prevails.
I am looking for representation for a completed 85K word crime genre novel. This is my first go at searching for an agent and your agency was recommended as top 50 in the country for longevity and for getting results. Also, Mr. Fry, I noticed when visiting your web site, you have particular interest in crime genre.
Thank you in advance for your time reading my query and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Robert Meacham
Richard pulled the chord.The chute did not open. He grabbed the emergency chord and the chute did not respond. He calculated his life ending in approximately ninety seconds, not enough time to review instant replay of his life.
Richard Harper accepted an offer to investigate the largest insurance fraud he had ever known. Getting corrupted never entered his mind, nor did the idea of his wife Lydia getting seduced by Mark Flannary, CEO of Global Investments LTD.
The SEC had been watching the irregularities in the hedge funds for Global Investments LTD all of 2008. Now in early 2009, Jeff Conklin, special investigator for SEC, begins to unravel the company's scheme.Befriending Richard Harper , Jeff finds that all is not what it seems to be. Trust, sex, and murder is wrapped tightly in the lives of Richard, wife Lydia,and Mark before justice prevails.
I am looking for representation for a completed 85K word crime genre novel. This is my first go at searching for an agent and your agency was recommended as top 50 in the country for longevity and for getting results. Also, Mr. Fry, I noticed when visiting your web site, you have particular interest in crime genre.
Thank you in advance for your time reading my query and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Robert Meacham
Query--Shadow Falls
There are people who know sixteen-year-old Willow Sinclair’s big secret. Unfortunately, Willow isn’t one of them.
Will senses something strange is going on the first week she starts her new school in the mountains of North Carolina. For a girl who has spent the first two years of high school successfully blending into the scenery, she suddenly is getting a whole lot of attention.
First, the faculty is giving her the hard sell on joining the Leadership Council (the LC), an exclusive club of students with ties to the academy’s biggest donor, a charismatic televangelist. The members are supermodel perfect, smart as hell, and spiritually dedicated. Willow can think of nothing she would like to join less.
Then, two gorgeous boys are competing for her interest and warning her about the danger the other one poses. Will is confused. When did a fairy godmother sneak into her room and sprinkle her with desirable dust? Boys like these would have existed in another orbit from her at her old school in Texas.
Finally, as if beautiful boys and pushy teachers aren’t enough to drive a girl to the edge, Will starts seeing colors around people and develops the olfactory glands of a bloodhound.
Will needs answers. But which guy can she trust to give them to her? Rivers, the sweet Alabama boy with the killer dimples, who also happens to be a member of the LC? Or Pierce, the over-confident preacher’s son with a reputation for preying on new girls and an ax to grind with his father?
Both boys know her secret. Each has their own agenda. If Will aligns with one, she risks her freedom, the lives of innocent people, and her shot at experiencing real love. If she chooses the other, she faces a destiny that someone in her past has worked hard to protect her from.
And she thought her biggest problem with starting a new school would be fitting in.
Ms. Agent, I am pleased to submit for your consideration my paranormal young adult novel, SHADOW FALLS, complete at 85,000 words. This is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration. If you would like to learn more about me or my writing, please visit me at http://fictiongroupie.blogspot.com I look forward to hearing from you.
Will senses something strange is going on the first week she starts her new school in the mountains of North Carolina. For a girl who has spent the first two years of high school successfully blending into the scenery, she suddenly is getting a whole lot of attention.
First, the faculty is giving her the hard sell on joining the Leadership Council (the LC), an exclusive club of students with ties to the academy’s biggest donor, a charismatic televangelist. The members are supermodel perfect, smart as hell, and spiritually dedicated. Willow can think of nothing she would like to join less.
Then, two gorgeous boys are competing for her interest and warning her about the danger the other one poses. Will is confused. When did a fairy godmother sneak into her room and sprinkle her with desirable dust? Boys like these would have existed in another orbit from her at her old school in Texas.
Finally, as if beautiful boys and pushy teachers aren’t enough to drive a girl to the edge, Will starts seeing colors around people and develops the olfactory glands of a bloodhound.
Will needs answers. But which guy can she trust to give them to her? Rivers, the sweet Alabama boy with the killer dimples, who also happens to be a member of the LC? Or Pierce, the over-confident preacher’s son with a reputation for preying on new girls and an ax to grind with his father?
Both boys know her secret. Each has their own agenda. If Will aligns with one, she risks her freedom, the lives of innocent people, and her shot at experiencing real love. If she chooses the other, she faces a destiny that someone in her past has worked hard to protect her from.
And she thought her biggest problem with starting a new school would be fitting in.
Ms. Agent, I am pleased to submit for your consideration my paranormal young adult novel, SHADOW FALLS, complete at 85,000 words. This is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration. If you would like to learn more about me or my writing, please visit me at http://fictiongroupie.blogspot.com I look forward to hearing from you.
Aug 7, 2009
Query- The Last Flight
Richard pulled the chord.The chute did not open. He grabbed the emergency chord and the chute did not respond. He calculated his life ending in approximately ninety seconds, not enough time to review instant replay of his life.
Richard Harper accepted offer to investigate the largest insurance fraud he had ever known. Corruption never entered his mind, nor did the idea of his wife Lydia getting seduced by Mark Flannary, CEO of Global Investments LTD.
I am looking for representation for a completed 85K word crime genre novel. This is my first go at searching for an agent and your agency was recommended as top 50 in the country for longevity and for getting results. Also, Mr. Fry, I noticed when visiting your web site, you have particular interest in crime genre.
Thank you in advance for your time reading my query and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Robert Meacham
Richard Harper accepted offer to investigate the largest insurance fraud he had ever known. Corruption never entered his mind, nor did the idea of his wife Lydia getting seduced by Mark Flannary, CEO of Global Investments LTD.
I am looking for representation for a completed 85K word crime genre novel. This is my first go at searching for an agent and your agency was recommended as top 50 in the country for longevity and for getting results. Also, Mr. Fry, I noticed when visiting your web site, you have particular interest in crime genre.
Thank you in advance for your time reading my query and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Robert Meacham
Query- Savage Grace
I'm late to the party. This is a wonderful idea. Here is my contribution:
Life is cruel. This is a lesson Evangeline Savage learns at a young age. When her mother is murdered and a mysterious visitor claims that Evangeline’s life is in jeopardy, she sets out to find the murderer before he finds her. Her journey takes her to the humid swamps of South Carolina’s low country where she learns of her mother’s involvement with a coven of elemental witches. A coven that reveals Evangeline’s legacy as a member of a family of powerful water witches.
Thrust into a world where magic is real and danger lurks at every turn, Evangeline must decide who to trust. With untapped power the likes of which the magical community has never seen, she becomes the target of a madman out to steal her power for his own. She must unite forces with the dynamic and seductive Justin Hammersley, a fellow water witch, if she is going to survive the coming battle. She trusts him with her life, but dare she trust him with her heart?
Savage Grace is a fast-paced 90,000 word paranormal romance set in South Carolina at the end of the 19th Century. With a strong female protagonist, an unforgettable romance and a vibrant historical setting, it will appeal to fans of such writers as Elizabeth Boyle and Karen Marie Moning. Savage Grace is the first in a four book series entitled The Savages.
Life is cruel. This is a lesson Evangeline Savage learns at a young age. When her mother is murdered and a mysterious visitor claims that Evangeline’s life is in jeopardy, she sets out to find the murderer before he finds her. Her journey takes her to the humid swamps of South Carolina’s low country where she learns of her mother’s involvement with a coven of elemental witches. A coven that reveals Evangeline’s legacy as a member of a family of powerful water witches.
Thrust into a world where magic is real and danger lurks at every turn, Evangeline must decide who to trust. With untapped power the likes of which the magical community has never seen, she becomes the target of a madman out to steal her power for his own. She must unite forces with the dynamic and seductive Justin Hammersley, a fellow water witch, if she is going to survive the coming battle. She trusts him with her life, but dare she trust him with her heart?
Savage Grace is a fast-paced 90,000 word paranormal romance set in South Carolina at the end of the 19th Century. With a strong female protagonist, an unforgettable romance and a vibrant historical setting, it will appeal to fans of such writers as Elizabeth Boyle and Karen Marie Moning. Savage Grace is the first in a four book series entitled The Savages.
Query: BEAUTY SECRETS
Note: I've left out the intro and personal touches (as in why I'm querying said agent).
Beauty Secret Representative Keira Diaz was out to sell lipstick, not solve a mystery. But when her client’s playboy husband, Roger Siebold, is reported missing and the Beaufort Police Department dismiss the case, Keira’s plans change. A desire to help propels Keira to lead an investigation. What she discovers is that more than one person is being deceived.
Finding Roger’s body only leads to more questions. Where was he the three days before he was murdered? Who had access to the ricin that poisoned him? And what does a kidnapped little girl have to do with it all?
Not even Keira is prepared for how deep the lies go and how many crimes are intertwined. This is one case where keeping secrets just might get her killed.
When you write genre fiction it’s important to bring something new to the table. Beauty Secrets accomplishes this by creating its own niche within the themed mystery novel market. The protagonist, Keira Diaz, is an independent beauty representative (think Avon or Mary Kay). Her profession gives her daily access to people’s homes, their private lives and the neighborhood gossip. Combine this with Keira’s natural curiosity and determination, and you end up with endless mystery-solving scenarios.
If interested, the full manuscript (62,000 words) is available upon request. For more information about myself or my writing, please visit my blog at http://www.stephdamore.blogspot.com/.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Beauty Secret Representative Keira Diaz was out to sell lipstick, not solve a mystery. But when her client’s playboy husband, Roger Siebold, is reported missing and the Beaufort Police Department dismiss the case, Keira’s plans change. A desire to help propels Keira to lead an investigation. What she discovers is that more than one person is being deceived.
Finding Roger’s body only leads to more questions. Where was he the three days before he was murdered? Who had access to the ricin that poisoned him? And what does a kidnapped little girl have to do with it all?
Not even Keira is prepared for how deep the lies go and how many crimes are intertwined. This is one case where keeping secrets just might get her killed.
When you write genre fiction it’s important to bring something new to the table. Beauty Secrets accomplishes this by creating its own niche within the themed mystery novel market. The protagonist, Keira Diaz, is an independent beauty representative (think Avon or Mary Kay). Her profession gives her daily access to people’s homes, their private lives and the neighborhood gossip. Combine this with Keira’s natural curiosity and determination, and you end up with endless mystery-solving scenarios.
If interested, the full manuscript (62,000 words) is available upon request. For more information about myself or my writing, please visit my blog at http://www.stephdamore.blogspot.com/.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
A Guest Post on Agent Nathan Bransford's Blog
To the one or two Slushpile readers who don't already read Nathan Bransford's blog:
This is the last day of Nathan's 2nd Guest Post Week, and yours truly will be the featured poster (child?). The post should go live at 8am Pacific time / 11am Eastern Time, barring accidents, and the topic is highly relevant to this site.
All of the posts this week have been very good, and I encourage you to go back and read them if you haven't already. For that matter, the blog itself is indispensable and should be part of your regular reading anyway, making this point moot. Please forgive me.
And while I'm here, thanks to all of you who post, comment, and lurk here at the Slushpile. I'm really glad this site works so well for so many!
Now it's 6:28am, and I need to get back to my manuscript...
- Rick
This is the last day of Nathan's 2nd Guest Post Week, and yours truly will be the featured poster (child?). The post should go live at 8am Pacific time / 11am Eastern Time, barring accidents, and the topic is highly relevant to this site.
All of the posts this week have been very good, and I encourage you to go back and read them if you haven't already. For that matter, the blog itself is indispensable and should be part of your regular reading anyway, making this point moot. Please forgive me.
And while I'm here, thanks to all of you who post, comment, and lurk here at the Slushpile. I'm really glad this site works so well for so many!
Now it's 6:28am, and I need to get back to my manuscript...
- Rick
Aug 6, 2009
QUERY - A SCORPION'S NATURE - Revision #1
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent,
The other sunny idiots at YMCA Camp Powell could hold hands and Kum Ba Yah all they wanted. Thirteen year old Kyle Matusik would lash back against his evil Junior Counselor and a tyrant camper. Getting booted out was better than enduring their harassment or being pitied as the camp's misfit boy, tormented by his father's suspicious death.
A SCORPION'S NATURE unfolds in a rollicking summer camp with quirky songs and food so atrocious even the director's mutt refuses to eat the Cheesy Fish Tarts. My 55,000 word middle grade novel coalesced out of twenty years as a YMCA camper, counselor, and director.
The complete manuscript is available upon your request. Thank you for considering my work.
Sincerely,
Dear Agent,
The other sunny idiots at YMCA Camp Powell could hold hands and Kum Ba Yah all they wanted. Thirteen year old Kyle Matusik would lash back against his evil Junior Counselor and a tyrant camper. Getting booted out was better than enduring their harassment or being pitied as the camp's misfit boy, tormented by his father's suspicious death.
A SCORPION'S NATURE unfolds in a rollicking summer camp with quirky songs and food so atrocious even the director's mutt refuses to eat the Cheesy Fish Tarts. My 55,000 word middle grade novel coalesced out of twenty years as a YMCA camper, counselor, and director.
The complete manuscript is available upon your request. Thank you for considering my work.
Sincerely,
Query: The Jackpot (Thriller)
Great site here. Below is a version of my query that initially worked like gangbusters (6 requests out of 12 submissions). Then the bottom dropped out, and I received 30+ form rejections in a row. Would love to get a sense of whether this was a good query, or whether I just got lucky at the beginning.
Dear Agent:
I am seeking representation for The Jackpot, my 95,000-word dark comic thriller about Samantha Obeid, a Lebanese-American attorney facing a personal crisis, and her new client's gigantic winning lottery ticket, which threatens to destroy Samantha's life when her desperate boss decides to steal it.
After spending eight soul-reaving years "helping really big and rich companies get a little bigger and richer" (as she wistfully puts it), Samantha Obeid is crushed when her law firm passes her over for partner. So when the firm's janitor, Julius Mitchell, approaches her for advice about a winning lottery ticket worth nearly half a billion dollars, she sees an opportunity to salvage her career with a wealthy new client for the firm. She introduces Julius and his ticket to her boss, Hunter Pierce, hoping to revive her dreams of a financially secure future for herself and her struggling parents. But Pierce, a man riddled with more problems than he can count, devises his own plan for the ticket - to steal it.
Following a violent confrontation that leaves Julius dead, Samantha finds herself holding the ticket and risking her life to deliver it to Julius' only heir - his estranged son. But as a nothing-to-lose Hunter Pierce closes in on her, Samantha becomes increasingly drawn to the ticket and its promise of unimaginable wealth. The really bad news? Neither Hunter nor the temptation to keep the ticket for herself is Samantha's biggest problem: a homicidal mercenary with a unique take on Charles Darwin's theory of evolution has been hired to hunt down the ticket, and he will stop at nothing to find it.
I am an attorney living in XXX, and my writing credits include two short stories published in online magazines (names of stories and mags). I hope you will find that the novel’s darkly comic tone and Samantha's background provide interesting spins on popular lawyer-in-trouble thriller.
Thank you for considering my query, and I look forward to your response.
Sincerely,
David
Dear Agent:
I am seeking representation for The Jackpot, my 95,000-word dark comic thriller about Samantha Obeid, a Lebanese-American attorney facing a personal crisis, and her new client's gigantic winning lottery ticket, which threatens to destroy Samantha's life when her desperate boss decides to steal it.
After spending eight soul-reaving years "helping really big and rich companies get a little bigger and richer" (as she wistfully puts it), Samantha Obeid is crushed when her law firm passes her over for partner. So when the firm's janitor, Julius Mitchell, approaches her for advice about a winning lottery ticket worth nearly half a billion dollars, she sees an opportunity to salvage her career with a wealthy new client for the firm. She introduces Julius and his ticket to her boss, Hunter Pierce, hoping to revive her dreams of a financially secure future for herself and her struggling parents. But Pierce, a man riddled with more problems than he can count, devises his own plan for the ticket - to steal it.
Following a violent confrontation that leaves Julius dead, Samantha finds herself holding the ticket and risking her life to deliver it to Julius' only heir - his estranged son. But as a nothing-to-lose Hunter Pierce closes in on her, Samantha becomes increasingly drawn to the ticket and its promise of unimaginable wealth. The really bad news? Neither Hunter nor the temptation to keep the ticket for herself is Samantha's biggest problem: a homicidal mercenary with a unique take on Charles Darwin's theory of evolution has been hired to hunt down the ticket, and he will stop at nothing to find it.
I am an attorney living in XXX, and my writing credits include two short stories published in online magazines (names of stories and mags). I hope you will find that the novel’s darkly comic tone and Samantha's background provide interesting spins on popular lawyer-in-trouble thriller.
Thank you for considering my query, and I look forward to your response.
Sincerely,
David
Two Posts With No Comments
Hello all,
There are two posts that have not received any comments. I have a feeling they went up too close to other posts and got lost in the shuffle.
If you are looking for fresh meat (or tofu), then check out:
Query- Vampire Vacation (revised)
and/or
Synopsis- Vampire Vacation
There are two posts that have not received any comments. I have a feeling they went up too close to other posts and got lost in the shuffle.
If you are looking for fresh meat (or tofu), then check out:
Query- Vampire Vacation (revised)
and/or
Synopsis- Vampire Vacation
Query Ferris' Bluff revision#3
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Agency
Agent
Street Address
New York, NY, 10010
Dear Ms. Agent,
FERRIS’ BLUFF, a 96K word thriller, is the story of a troubled man hiding from his past until a glimpse of the life he’s been forced to abandon, an easy camaraderie with unique new friends, and the promise of love he thought impossible help him realize he has finally found a home—one worth fighting for.
Ace Evans, an ex-SEAL/undercover operative, forced to live a solitary vagabond existence, risks a visit with an old friend. He soon discovers that the quaint, gossipy small town of Ferris’ Bluff, Arkansas, has a very dark side. His friend is in a coma, a virtual prisoner, and Ace is quickly drawn into a series of confrontations with a number of ruthless local villains -- a conniving greedy lawyer, his even greedier wife, and a brutal town tough.
And if that ain’t thorny enough—Russian gangsters, vengeful enemies from his mysterious past are skulking around. The danger factor grows dramatically. So do the complications.
Ace knows he should hit the road, not only to protect his fragile alias but to hopefully assure the safety of his new friends; especially Annie Travers, a pretty widow as lonely and damaged as he is.
But the body count rises and the lawyer’s murderous schemes continue to threaten the people he’s become very fond of.
Resolved to make a life for himself in Ferris’ Bluff, Ace enlists the aid of his new friends to try and pull off a dangerous ruse, a bluff, duping both foes into a violent, deadly showdown.
FERRIS’ BLUFF is a sexy, smart, original thriller with a southern drawl and a slow-burn romance smoldering inside the action. Thanks for taking a look.
Sincerely,
Fred Limberg
Email
phone
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Agency
Agent
Street Address
New York, NY, 10010
Dear Ms. Agent,
FERRIS’ BLUFF, a 96K word thriller, is the story of a troubled man hiding from his past until a glimpse of the life he’s been forced to abandon, an easy camaraderie with unique new friends, and the promise of love he thought impossible help him realize he has finally found a home—one worth fighting for.
Ace Evans, an ex-SEAL/undercover operative, forced to live a solitary vagabond existence, risks a visit with an old friend. He soon discovers that the quaint, gossipy small town of Ferris’ Bluff, Arkansas, has a very dark side. His friend is in a coma, a virtual prisoner, and Ace is quickly drawn into a series of confrontations with a number of ruthless local villains -- a conniving greedy lawyer, his even greedier wife, and a brutal town tough.
And if that ain’t thorny enough—Russian gangsters, vengeful enemies from his mysterious past are skulking around. The danger factor grows dramatically. So do the complications.
Ace knows he should hit the road, not only to protect his fragile alias but to hopefully assure the safety of his new friends; especially Annie Travers, a pretty widow as lonely and damaged as he is.
But the body count rises and the lawyer’s murderous schemes continue to threaten the people he’s become very fond of.
Resolved to make a life for himself in Ferris’ Bluff, Ace enlists the aid of his new friends to try and pull off a dangerous ruse, a bluff, duping both foes into a violent, deadly showdown.
FERRIS’ BLUFF is a sexy, smart, original thriller with a southern drawl and a slow-burn romance smoldering inside the action. Thanks for taking a look.
Sincerely,
Fred Limberg
phone
Aug 4, 2009
QUERY - SAVE US - Revision 1
Click here to read the original query.
Hi guys, I cleaned up my original query, hopefully it's better. Love to hear what you think. Thanks-
Vipul
Dear Agent:
Phoebus has had a busy few months: falling in love, dying, and leading a rebellion—in that order.
Phoebus is a young, orphaned fisherman living in ancient Phoenicia during the time of Christ. When he and his love Ariadna drown in a storm, they find themselves on the outskirts of Hell. Captured, separated, and enslaved, they sink into despair, until Phoebus inadvertently sparks a rebellion against his demon captors.
He soon meets Durus, a mercenary angel sent to aid him, who informs Phoebus that this conflict is meant by God to distract the devil from events on Earth. Faced with this new mandate, the desire to find Ariadna, and the threat of a growing demon army, Phoebus becomes the unlikely leader of a desperate people. As Jesus' path takes him to the cross, Phoebus undertakes a task that transforms him as much as it changes the fate of the slaves in Hell.
SAVE US is 75,000 words, and is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Hi guys, I cleaned up my original query, hopefully it's better. Love to hear what you think. Thanks-
Vipul
Dear Agent:
Phoebus has had a busy few months: falling in love, dying, and leading a rebellion—in that order.
Phoebus is a young, orphaned fisherman living in ancient Phoenicia during the time of Christ. When he and his love Ariadna drown in a storm, they find themselves on the outskirts of Hell. Captured, separated, and enslaved, they sink into despair, until Phoebus inadvertently sparks a rebellion against his demon captors.
He soon meets Durus, a mercenary angel sent to aid him, who informs Phoebus that this conflict is meant by God to distract the devil from events on Earth. Faced with this new mandate, the desire to find Ariadna, and the threat of a growing demon army, Phoebus becomes the unlikely leader of a desperate people. As Jesus' path takes him to the cross, Phoebus undertakes a task that transforms him as much as it changes the fate of the slaves in Hell.
SAVE US is 75,000 words, and is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Aug 3, 2009
Query- Ferris' Bluff (Revision 2)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Agent,
Ace Evans, ex-Navy SEAL and undercover operative, is on the run--has been for the three years since his family was brutally murdered. He’s running from the Witness Protection Program that betrayed him, from Russian arms dealers still out for revenge, and nightmares of that tragic fiery night.
He risks a brief visit with an old friend, Granville Tubbs. Ace feels like he needs to stick around the quaint little town of Ferris’ Bluff, Arkansas after he learns that Tubbs, comatose, is being kept in near isolation by the lawyer, Tremont.
While trying to unravel the lawyer’s motives Ace is determined to see that Tubbs gets proper treatment. He’s drawn into the lives of Annie Travers, her two children, and a collection of townsfolk that are pleasant and friendly, and, well…a bit nosy. There’s ‘gossip in the water’ in Ferris’ Bluff, you know. He can’t avoid making friends, try as he might to leave a faint footprint and stay true to his alias.
He can’t seem to avoid making enemies either. Ace is soon at odds with the lawyer, his slutty scheming wife, and a psychotic town tough named Pink.
As if things aren’t difficult enough, a resourceful young Deputy Marshal tracks him down. He urges Ace to return to the WPP, warning him that the Russians are nearby. Ace won’t go back. He likes it in Ferris’ Bluff. Friends new and old need him.
He discovers that the accident that killed Annie’s husband and left her daughter paralyzed was no accident. One of his new friends is murdered. Tremont has apparently stolen some mineral rights from Tubbs, the underlying catalyst for all of the local tragedies. Tubbs regains consciousness, drawing the Russians dangerously close by using Ace’s real name.
All the while the affection he’s trying to deny for Annie grows. It’s a very mutual attraction. Ace is more determined than ever to set things right. With a bit of forgery, a touch of larceny, and a little help from his new friends he might just pull off his audacious ruse.
FERRIS’ BLUFF is a 96K word thriller; the story of a troubled lonely man seeking a connection to his past, a glimpse of the life he’s been forced to abandon…and what he has to do now that he has finally found a home.
Thank you for taking a look. I look forward to hearing from you.
After a bit of cogitating I got what the frogmeister was trying to say. NOW it might be ready for some looks.
Fred
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Agent,
Ace Evans, ex-Navy SEAL and undercover operative, is on the run--has been for the three years since his family was brutally murdered. He’s running from the Witness Protection Program that betrayed him, from Russian arms dealers still out for revenge, and nightmares of that tragic fiery night.
He risks a brief visit with an old friend, Granville Tubbs. Ace feels like he needs to stick around the quaint little town of Ferris’ Bluff, Arkansas after he learns that Tubbs, comatose, is being kept in near isolation by the lawyer, Tremont.
While trying to unravel the lawyer’s motives Ace is determined to see that Tubbs gets proper treatment. He’s drawn into the lives of Annie Travers, her two children, and a collection of townsfolk that are pleasant and friendly, and, well…a bit nosy. There’s ‘gossip in the water’ in Ferris’ Bluff, you know. He can’t avoid making friends, try as he might to leave a faint footprint and stay true to his alias.
He can’t seem to avoid making enemies either. Ace is soon at odds with the lawyer, his slutty scheming wife, and a psychotic town tough named Pink.
As if things aren’t difficult enough, a resourceful young Deputy Marshal tracks him down. He urges Ace to return to the WPP, warning him that the Russians are nearby. Ace won’t go back. He likes it in Ferris’ Bluff. Friends new and old need him.
He discovers that the accident that killed Annie’s husband and left her daughter paralyzed was no accident. One of his new friends is murdered. Tremont has apparently stolen some mineral rights from Tubbs, the underlying catalyst for all of the local tragedies. Tubbs regains consciousness, drawing the Russians dangerously close by using Ace’s real name.
All the while the affection he’s trying to deny for Annie grows. It’s a very mutual attraction. Ace is more determined than ever to set things right. With a bit of forgery, a touch of larceny, and a little help from his new friends he might just pull off his audacious ruse.
FERRIS’ BLUFF is a 96K word thriller; the story of a troubled lonely man seeking a connection to his past, a glimpse of the life he’s been forced to abandon…and what he has to do now that he has finally found a home.
Thank you for taking a look. I look forward to hearing from you.
After a bit of cogitating I got what the frogmeister was trying to say. NOW it might be ready for some looks.
Fred
Query- Intuitive Tarot: Finding Your Inner Voice
Hi everyone,
I just found out about this site! I received a response to this query from an agent who found it "intriguing" but wasn't "sufficiently enthusiastic" to ask for more. Not sure if that means the query is good but the subject not her cup of tea (which I'm okay with, not everyone is into self-help books) or if I need more work on the query. Feedback is welcome!
Dear [Agent],
I’ve just written a workbook that can help everyone lead more meaningful and fulfilling lives. After 22 years of in-depth study, practice, and teaching, I’ve put all that I’ve learned into an easy-to-use workbook, Intuitive Tarot: Finding Your Inner Voice. I would like you to consider helping me bring this work to the public.
We’ve all experienced those moments of not listening to our “inner voice”. When was the last time you ignored yours? Last week, perhaps? Driving home from work, stuck in traffic, something inside you said "turn off here" at a side road but you didn't so your 20 minute commute took 2 hours because of road construction? Later that evening, you heard on the local news that an alternate route would have gotten you home in 30 minutes; it was the road you would have turned onto had you listened to that inner "something".
We human beings are fascinating, aren't we? All we need to know is within us, if we would only listen. It's not that we don't want to, we just don't know how, or we don't trust what we hear. We've never been taught the means to connect with that vast library of knowledge within. Tarot cards are an incredible tool to help you learn to do just that.
You may not be entirely sure what tarot cards are. Perhaps you've seen television programs where a reader lays out the Death card and oh no! someone on the show dies, and now you're a bit leery of the cards. Intuitive Tarot: Finding Your Inner Voice will take the mystery out of tarot. This workbook is for everyone wanting to learn how to listen to, and trust, their inner voice; for everyone who wants to find a way to touch the source of their own inner power; for everyone who wants to learn how to navigate through the sometimes challenging transitions of life, and to do it all in a fun and enlightening way. Intuitive Tarot: Finding Your Inner Voice can be used alone, with friends, or as a classroom workbook by other teachers of tarot.
I purchased my first tarot deck in 1987. I had no teacher; there were few books at that time. I learned the hard way, by myself. Now, after twenty-two years, thousands of clients, hundreds of students, numerous published tarot articles, in the process of co-creating a "modernly traditional" tarot deck as well as writing the accompanying deck-specific book, and still as passionate about tarot as the day I purchased my first deck of cards, I am proud to offer Intuitive Tarot: Finding Your Inner Voice as a tool for every person who wants to learn to connect with, and trust, that place of knowing within.
Two people have seen Intuitive Tarot: Finding Your Inner Voice so far. One, an author and public speaker, said that reading the workbook made him want to immediately go out and buy a deck of tarot cards. The other, an author/shaman/music composer, told me, "I read through your tarot workbook chapters. I think they are fantastic and I don't know of another book like it!"
I invite you to visit my website to learn more about me and my work. I would be happy to send you a full proposal at your request.
I appreciate your time and consideration, and look forward to hearing from you soon.
I just found out about this site! I received a response to this query from an agent who found it "intriguing" but wasn't "sufficiently enthusiastic" to ask for more. Not sure if that means the query is good but the subject not her cup of tea (which I'm okay with, not everyone is into self-help books) or if I need more work on the query. Feedback is welcome!
Dear [Agent],
I’ve just written a workbook that can help everyone lead more meaningful and fulfilling lives. After 22 years of in-depth study, practice, and teaching, I’ve put all that I’ve learned into an easy-to-use workbook, Intuitive Tarot: Finding Your Inner Voice. I would like you to consider helping me bring this work to the public.
We’ve all experienced those moments of not listening to our “inner voice”. When was the last time you ignored yours? Last week, perhaps? Driving home from work, stuck in traffic, something inside you said "turn off here" at a side road but you didn't so your 20 minute commute took 2 hours because of road construction? Later that evening, you heard on the local news that an alternate route would have gotten you home in 30 minutes; it was the road you would have turned onto had you listened to that inner "something".
We human beings are fascinating, aren't we? All we need to know is within us, if we would only listen. It's not that we don't want to, we just don't know how, or we don't trust what we hear. We've never been taught the means to connect with that vast library of knowledge within. Tarot cards are an incredible tool to help you learn to do just that.
You may not be entirely sure what tarot cards are. Perhaps you've seen television programs where a reader lays out the Death card and oh no! someone on the show dies, and now you're a bit leery of the cards. Intuitive Tarot: Finding Your Inner Voice will take the mystery out of tarot. This workbook is for everyone wanting to learn how to listen to, and trust, their inner voice; for everyone who wants to find a way to touch the source of their own inner power; for everyone who wants to learn how to navigate through the sometimes challenging transitions of life, and to do it all in a fun and enlightening way. Intuitive Tarot: Finding Your Inner Voice can be used alone, with friends, or as a classroom workbook by other teachers of tarot.
I purchased my first tarot deck in 1987. I had no teacher; there were few books at that time. I learned the hard way, by myself. Now, after twenty-two years, thousands of clients, hundreds of students, numerous published tarot articles, in the process of co-creating a "modernly traditional" tarot deck as well as writing the accompanying deck-specific book, and still as passionate about tarot as the day I purchased my first deck of cards, I am proud to offer Intuitive Tarot: Finding Your Inner Voice as a tool for every person who wants to learn to connect with, and trust, that place of knowing within.
Two people have seen Intuitive Tarot: Finding Your Inner Voice so far. One, an author and public speaker, said that reading the workbook made him want to immediately go out and buy a deck of tarot cards. The other, an author/shaman/music composer, told me, "I read through your tarot workbook chapters. I think they are fantastic and I don't know of another book like it!"
I invite you to visit my website to learn more about me and my work. I would be happy to send you a full proposal at your request.
I appreciate your time and consideration, and look forward to hearing from you soon.
Aug 2, 2009
QUERY- FERRIS' BLUFF (Revision #1)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read revision #2.
My thanks to all who weighed in on the original. Here's revision number 1 (actually query #16) for Ferris' Bluff.
Dear Agent,
Ace Evans, ex-Navy SEAL and undercover operative, is on the run--has been for the three years since his family was brutally murdered and he was left for dead. He’s running from the Witness Protection Program that betrayed him, from Russian arms dealers still out for revenge, and from his own nightmares of that fiery night and his scarred self-image.
FERRIS’ BLUFF, a 96K word thriller, is the story of a lonely man seeking a connection to his past, a glimpse of the life he’s forced to hide from, and what he has to do to once he realizes that he has finally found sanctuary and healing love.
Risking a brief visit with his old friend, Granville Tubbs, Ace reluctantly stays in the quaint town of Ferris’ Bluff, Arkansas after he learns that Tubbs is in a coma and is being kept in near isolation by the lawyer, Tremont.
While trying to unravel the lawyer’s motives and maneuvering to see that Tubbs gets proper treatment Ace is drawn into the lives of Annie Travers, her two children, and a collection of townsfolk that are friendly and trusting, and, well…a bit nosy. There’s ‘gossip in the water’ in Ferris’ Bluff. He can’t seem to avoid making friends, try as he might to stay aloof and true to his alias.
He can’t seem to avoid making enemies either. Ace is soon at odds with Tremont, his scheming wife, and a brutal town tough named Pink.
A young Deputy Marshal tracks him down. He urges Ace to return to the WPP and warns him that the Russians are probably watching Tubbs.
Ace won’t go back. He can’t.
Why? The accident that killed Annie’s husband and left her daughter paralyzed was no accident. One of his new friends is murdered. He discovers that Tremont has stolen some mineral rights from Tubbs, the underlying catalyst for all of the local tragedies. Tubbs regains consciousness, drawing the Russians dangerously close by using Ace’s real name.
All the while the affection he is trying to deny for Annie grows. It’s a very mutual attraction and Ace is more determined than ever to set things right. With a little luck, a little larceny, and some help from his new friends he might just pull off his audacious ruse.
Thank you for your interest in FERRIS’ BLUFF. I look forward to hearing from you.
Click here to read revision #2.
My thanks to all who weighed in on the original. Here's revision number 1 (actually query #16) for Ferris' Bluff.
Dear Agent,
Ace Evans, ex-Navy SEAL and undercover operative, is on the run--has been for the three years since his family was brutally murdered and he was left for dead. He’s running from the Witness Protection Program that betrayed him, from Russian arms dealers still out for revenge, and from his own nightmares of that fiery night and his scarred self-image.
FERRIS’ BLUFF, a 96K word thriller, is the story of a lonely man seeking a connection to his past, a glimpse of the life he’s forced to hide from, and what he has to do to once he realizes that he has finally found sanctuary and healing love.
Risking a brief visit with his old friend, Granville Tubbs, Ace reluctantly stays in the quaint town of Ferris’ Bluff, Arkansas after he learns that Tubbs is in a coma and is being kept in near isolation by the lawyer, Tremont.
While trying to unravel the lawyer’s motives and maneuvering to see that Tubbs gets proper treatment Ace is drawn into the lives of Annie Travers, her two children, and a collection of townsfolk that are friendly and trusting, and, well…a bit nosy. There’s ‘gossip in the water’ in Ferris’ Bluff. He can’t seem to avoid making friends, try as he might to stay aloof and true to his alias.
He can’t seem to avoid making enemies either. Ace is soon at odds with Tremont, his scheming wife, and a brutal town tough named Pink.
A young Deputy Marshal tracks him down. He urges Ace to return to the WPP and warns him that the Russians are probably watching Tubbs.
Ace won’t go back. He can’t.
Why? The accident that killed Annie’s husband and left her daughter paralyzed was no accident. One of his new friends is murdered. He discovers that Tremont has stolen some mineral rights from Tubbs, the underlying catalyst for all of the local tragedies. Tubbs regains consciousness, drawing the Russians dangerously close by using Ace’s real name.
All the while the affection he is trying to deny for Annie grows. It’s a very mutual attraction and Ace is more determined than ever to set things right. With a little luck, a little larceny, and some help from his new friends he might just pull off his audacious ruse.
Thank you for your interest in FERRIS’ BLUFF. I look forward to hearing from you.
QUERY - SAVE US - Christian Fiction
A revision of this query had been posted. Click here to read it.
Hi everyone, I just discovered this site and it looks like an amazing resource! I'd appreciate any help you could give with my query. Thanks!
Vipul
Dear Agent:
Every year, hundreds of millions of people celebrate Christ's death and resurrection during Easter weekend. But what was he doing during those three days? And if his death and resurrection were so important, why didn't Satan stop it? My completed 75,000-word novel, SAVE US, seeks to give one possible answer to these questions.
Phoebus is a young, orphaned fisherman living in ancient Phoenicia during the time of Christ.
When he and his love Ariadna drown in a storm, they find themselves on the outskirts of Hell. Captured, separated, and enslaved, they sink into despair, until Phoebus inadvertently sparks a rebellion against his demon captors. He soon meets Durus, a mercenary angel sent to aid him, who informs Phoebus that this conflict is meant by God to distract the devil from events on Earth. As Jesus' path takes him to the cross, Phoebus undertakes a task that transforms him as much as it changes the fate of the slaves in Hell.
As a young ophthalmologist immersed in the world of medicine for the past decade, writing this first novel has helped me to come up for air, and the book has grown with me. Though it takes place long ago, many of the trials faced by these characters are reflections of my own struggle for identity as a Christian Indian-American. This inspirational tale, dealing with love, loss, pain, and redemption, would appeal to readers in both the Christian and mainstream markets.
I have enclosed a SASE per your guidelines. Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Hi everyone, I just discovered this site and it looks like an amazing resource! I'd appreciate any help you could give with my query. Thanks!
Vipul
Dear Agent:
Every year, hundreds of millions of people celebrate Christ's death and resurrection during Easter weekend. But what was he doing during those three days? And if his death and resurrection were so important, why didn't Satan stop it? My completed 75,000-word novel, SAVE US, seeks to give one possible answer to these questions.
Phoebus is a young, orphaned fisherman living in ancient Phoenicia during the time of Christ.
When he and his love Ariadna drown in a storm, they find themselves on the outskirts of Hell. Captured, separated, and enslaved, they sink into despair, until Phoebus inadvertently sparks a rebellion against his demon captors. He soon meets Durus, a mercenary angel sent to aid him, who informs Phoebus that this conflict is meant by God to distract the devil from events on Earth. As Jesus' path takes him to the cross, Phoebus undertakes a task that transforms him as much as it changes the fate of the slaves in Hell.
As a young ophthalmologist immersed in the world of medicine for the past decade, writing this first novel has helped me to come up for air, and the book has grown with me. Though it takes place long ago, many of the trials faced by these characters are reflections of my own struggle for identity as a Christian Indian-American. This inspirational tale, dealing with love, loss, pain, and redemption, would appeal to readers in both the Christian and mainstream markets.
I have enclosed a SASE per your guidelines. Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
QUERY - Vampire Vacation - Revised
Click here to read the original query.
This one is a hit! I got another response in less than 12 hours - Yay!
Thanks guys!
Dear XXX,
I'm writing you to seek representation for my 90,000 word erotic urban fantasy Vampire Vacation which four editors requested in full at the recent Romance Writer’s of America National convention.
What do you get when you combine a 580-year-old vampire, her human husband, and a resort for the undead? A sexually charged, sardonic relationship between a married couple and a never ending cast of unique characters.
Meet Vivian, the supernatural equivalent of Mr. Roarke on Fantasy Island, who projects illusions to create the perfect vacation spot for vampires in Alaska. Upon a check of the guest rooms, Vivian stumbles across a murdered body, one that is neither an employee nor a guest. She and her husband, Rafe, hide the corpse, convinced they can track down the killer without alerting their customers.
When orchestrating the sexual escapades of some guests and questioning others proves too much for her, Vivian listens to Rafe’s advice. For the first time in hundreds of years, she agrees to involve and trust an outsider for assistance. It’s a difficult step for Vivian, who knows in the end she may wind up having to kill to keep her secrets safe.
I’m contacting you because your agency represents XXXX, whose novel I enjoyed. I've researched you online and have stopped by your XXXX site, your blog, read your interview on XXXXXX and would be honored to have you represent me.
This spring, I won a flash fiction writing contest for a horror entry, received third place in an erotica contest, and recently placed second for my rough draft of chapter one of Vampire Vacation in the RWA Dixie First sponsored contest. I’m a member of RWA, Sisters In Crime and several subchapters of these associations. My work already has a fan base of 1,000 on Facebook. Please stop by and see what some of the reviewers from my private reading group have to say about my novel: http://www.facebook.com/c.j.ellissonfanpage
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my query,
C.J. Ellisson
XXX-XXX-XXXX
cj_ellisson@yahoo.com
This one is a hit! I got another response in less than 12 hours - Yay!
Thanks guys!
Dear XXX,
I'm writing you to seek representation for my 90,000 word erotic urban fantasy Vampire Vacation which four editors requested in full at the recent Romance Writer’s of America National convention.
What do you get when you combine a 580-year-old vampire, her human husband, and a resort for the undead? A sexually charged, sardonic relationship between a married couple and a never ending cast of unique characters.
Meet Vivian, the supernatural equivalent of Mr. Roarke on Fantasy Island, who projects illusions to create the perfect vacation spot for vampires in Alaska. Upon a check of the guest rooms, Vivian stumbles across a murdered body, one that is neither an employee nor a guest. She and her husband, Rafe, hide the corpse, convinced they can track down the killer without alerting their customers.
When orchestrating the sexual escapades of some guests and questioning others proves too much for her, Vivian listens to Rafe’s advice. For the first time in hundreds of years, she agrees to involve and trust an outsider for assistance. It’s a difficult step for Vivian, who knows in the end she may wind up having to kill to keep her secrets safe.
I’m contacting you because your agency represents XXXX, whose novel I enjoyed. I've researched you online and have stopped by your XXXX site, your blog, read your interview on XXXXXX and would be honored to have you represent me.
This spring, I won a flash fiction writing contest for a horror entry, received third place in an erotica contest, and recently placed second for my rough draft of chapter one of Vampire Vacation in the RWA Dixie First sponsored contest. I’m a member of RWA, Sisters In Crime and several subchapters of these associations. My work already has a fan base of 1,000 on Facebook. Please stop by and see what some of the reviewers from my private reading group have to say about my novel: http://www.facebook.com/c.j.ellissonfanpage
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my query,
C.J. Ellisson
XXX-XXX-XXXX
cj_ellisson@yahoo.com
Jul 31, 2009
QUERY - Vampire Vacation - URBAN FANTASY
Dear Agent,
What do you get when you combine a marriage between a 580-year-old female vampire and a human husband with a resort for the undead? A sexually charged, sardonic relationship between a vibrant woman and a confident man with a never ending cast of unique characters.
Meet Vivian, the supernatural equivalent of Mr. Roarke on Fantasy Island, who channels her mental powers of projecting illusions into creating the perfect vacation spot for vampires - in Alaska! Upon a routine check of the guest rooms, Vivian stumbles across a murdered body, one that is neither an employee nor a guest. She and her husband, Rafe, hide the corpse, convinced they can track down the killer without alerting their customers.
Orchestrating the sexual escapades of some guests, while unsuccessfully questioning others, proves too much for her. Vivian listens to Rafe’s suggestion, and for the first time in hundreds of years, she agrees to involve and trust an outsider for help. Knowing she may wind up having to kill to keep her secrets safe.
My name is C.J. Ellisson and I’m a passionate married woman who thinks it’s time an urban fantasy series focused on hot monogamy. I’ve completed a 90,000 word novel titled Vampire Vacation and I would like you to consider being my agent for it. At Nationals I had four editors request the full manuscript, and thought it would behoove me to have an agent represent me to speed the process along. I’m contacting you because your agency represents name here, whose work I have enjoyed for many years.
I have won a flash fiction writing contest for a horror entry, received third place in an erotica contest, and recently placed second for my rough draft of chapter one of Vampire Vacation in a Romance Writers of America sponsored contest. Not only have I joined RWA, but also Sisters In Crime and several sub-chapters of each. My novel already has a fan base of 1,000 on Facebook. Please, stop by and see what some of the reviewers from my private reading group have to say about my work:
http://www.facebook.com/c.j.ellissonfanpage
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my query, I appreciate it,
C.J. Ellisson
XXX-XXX-XXX
cj_ellisson@yahoo.com
What do you get when you combine a marriage between a 580-year-old female vampire and a human husband with a resort for the undead? A sexually charged, sardonic relationship between a vibrant woman and a confident man with a never ending cast of unique characters.
Meet Vivian, the supernatural equivalent of Mr. Roarke on Fantasy Island, who channels her mental powers of projecting illusions into creating the perfect vacation spot for vampires - in Alaska! Upon a routine check of the guest rooms, Vivian stumbles across a murdered body, one that is neither an employee nor a guest. She and her husband, Rafe, hide the corpse, convinced they can track down the killer without alerting their customers.
Orchestrating the sexual escapades of some guests, while unsuccessfully questioning others, proves too much for her. Vivian listens to Rafe’s suggestion, and for the first time in hundreds of years, she agrees to involve and trust an outsider for help. Knowing she may wind up having to kill to keep her secrets safe.
My name is C.J. Ellisson and I’m a passionate married woman who thinks it’s time an urban fantasy series focused on hot monogamy. I’ve completed a 90,000 word novel titled Vampire Vacation and I would like you to consider being my agent for it. At Nationals I had four editors request the full manuscript, and thought it would behoove me to have an agent represent me to speed the process along. I’m contacting you because your agency represents name here, whose work I have enjoyed for many years.
I have won a flash fiction writing contest for a horror entry, received third place in an erotica contest, and recently placed second for my rough draft of chapter one of Vampire Vacation in a Romance Writers of America sponsored contest. Not only have I joined RWA, but also Sisters In Crime and several sub-chapters of each. My novel already has a fan base of 1,000 on Facebook. Please, stop by and see what some of the reviewers from my private reading group have to say about my work:
http://www.facebook.com/c.j.ellissonfanpage
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my query, I appreciate it,
C.J. Ellisson
XXX-XXX-XXX
cj_ellisson@yahoo.com
Jul 30, 2009
Sample Page- BROKEN - PAGE 1
Click here to read the query.
A revision of the query has been posted, click here to read it.
Hello all! Hoping for some feedback on page 1 of the novel BROKEN (thriller) - posted 2 queries earlier. Thank you!
What sound does a heart make when it breaks?
Madeline Gunn knew.
She heard the air hiss as she dropped to her knees in the snow. She pressed her hands hard against her mouth, trying to stifle the scream that was swelling inside of her from bursting past her lips. Above all, Madeline Gunn was already beginning to discover that pain had nimble fingers, capable of peeling away layer after layer of certainty until a heart was raw with ache and nothingness.
“Connie!” Madeline yelled, touching her sister’s body, a body that was wet with blood and warm with the memory of a life that no longer existed.
“Connie!” She repeated. Louder this time, commanding her sister to rise from the dead. Refusing to accept the truth in Connie’s stillness.
Madeline Gunn held her little sister, shielding Connie’s bare skin from the cold. Her fingers trembled beneath the weight, and the scream she’d tried so hard to restrain ripped through her throat, infecting the night air with its agony. She rocked the broken body until the sound of her wailing gave in to the din of the city, to the rumble of plow trucks and the thin whine of police sirens.
Madeline closed her eyes. She ignored the stench of car exhaust and warm blood waiting to rot. She pretended that they were girls again, needing to believe that she could forget this moment, that the sight of her sister’s butchered remains would not be the backdrop against which she would live out the rest of her life. But even then, Madeline Gunn knew this, too, was a lie.
She knew that once a heart begins to break, it never stops.
And that time cannot dull the ache, or take away the memory and the blame.
A revision of the query has been posted, click here to read it.
Hello all! Hoping for some feedback on page 1 of the novel BROKEN (thriller) - posted 2 queries earlier. Thank you!
What sound does a heart make when it breaks?
Madeline Gunn knew.
She heard the air hiss as she dropped to her knees in the snow. She pressed her hands hard against her mouth, trying to stifle the scream that was swelling inside of her from bursting past her lips. Above all, Madeline Gunn was already beginning to discover that pain had nimble fingers, capable of peeling away layer after layer of certainty until a heart was raw with ache and nothingness.
“Connie!” Madeline yelled, touching her sister’s body, a body that was wet with blood and warm with the memory of a life that no longer existed.
“Connie!” She repeated. Louder this time, commanding her sister to rise from the dead. Refusing to accept the truth in Connie’s stillness.
Madeline Gunn held her little sister, shielding Connie’s bare skin from the cold. Her fingers trembled beneath the weight, and the scream she’d tried so hard to restrain ripped through her throat, infecting the night air with its agony. She rocked the broken body until the sound of her wailing gave in to the din of the city, to the rumble of plow trucks and the thin whine of police sirens.
Madeline closed her eyes. She ignored the stench of car exhaust and warm blood waiting to rot. She pretended that they were girls again, needing to believe that she could forget this moment, that the sight of her sister’s butchered remains would not be the backdrop against which she would live out the rest of her life. But even then, Madeline Gunn knew this, too, was a lie.
She knew that once a heart begins to break, it never stops.
And that time cannot dull the ache, or take away the memory and the blame.
Query: FERRIS' BLUFF a thriller
Click here to read revision #2.
Hi everyone,
I've been lurking on the site for some time and unashamedly using the samples and crits to work on my own query.
Dear Ms. Agent,
Ace Evans is on the run. He’s hiding from the Witness Protection Program, vengeful international criminals, and his own horrific nightmares. After two wary and lonesome years on the road he risks a visit with his old friend, Granville Tubbs, in sleepy Ferris’ Bluff, Arkansas.
Tubbs is in a coma…so much for a quick visit; and it turns out he’s being kept a virtual prisoner by the lawyer, Tremont. Ace decides to stick around for a few days to see what he can do to help his old friend and maybe figure out what the heck is going on.
Ace can’t help but make friends in Ferris’ Bluff. The quirky townsfolk are honest and open, if a bit gossipy. Okay, real gossipy--and the word is there are hundreds of acres of mineral rights deeds in Tubbs’ estate.
Ace can’t help but make some enemies too. He’s doggedly trying to stay true to his alias and that’s damn hard to do since he’s taking on the crooked lawyer and his scheming wife, their hired gun, and the town tough guy, a psycho named Pink.
He’s also attracted to the pretty widow, Annie. Ace tries to deny it, but her humor and determination give him hope. He comes to realize he’s found a place to stay, that he might find love again, and it’s worth fighting for. Tremont’s pissed off and on the defensive. The hired guns are hiding in the hills plotting mischief. Nothing a former Navy SEAL/ undercover operative can’t handle; but can he do it without revealing his true identity?
Then an earnest young US Marshal shows up. He’s got some disturbing news. The Russians are already sniffing around. Okay, what else could go wrong?
Well, Pink goes on a rampage, murdering one of Ace’s new friends, revenge for an ill advised prank involving a garden hose and Tremont’s drunken wife. Ace discovers that Annie’s husband’s fatal accident that left her daughter paralyzed was no accident. Tremont appears to have stolen one of Tubbs mineral deeds and they’ve discovered gas on the property. Tubbs comes out of his coma, drawing the Russians closer by using Ace’s real name. That’s what could go wrong. The cops aren’t making much progress. How can he make things right?
Ace comes up with a plan to turn the tables on Tremont and the Russians while keeping his alias intact. With a little forgery, a little larceny, and a little help from his new friends… it almost works. Good thing the junior G-man sticks around!
FERRIS’ BLUFF is a 96K word thriller that would also be at home on the romantic suspense shelves. The story is written as a stand alone novel, but there are a bunch of bad guys out there still gunning for Ace.
Thank you for taking a look. My contact information is listed below. I sincerely hope to hear from you.
I'll be happy to post some pages if anyone wants to see them, and thanks in advance for your comments!
Fred
Hi everyone,
I've been lurking on the site for some time and unashamedly using the samples and crits to work on my own query.
Dear Ms. Agent,
Ace Evans is on the run. He’s hiding from the Witness Protection Program, vengeful international criminals, and his own horrific nightmares. After two wary and lonesome years on the road he risks a visit with his old friend, Granville Tubbs, in sleepy Ferris’ Bluff, Arkansas.
Tubbs is in a coma…so much for a quick visit; and it turns out he’s being kept a virtual prisoner by the lawyer, Tremont. Ace decides to stick around for a few days to see what he can do to help his old friend and maybe figure out what the heck is going on.
Ace can’t help but make friends in Ferris’ Bluff. The quirky townsfolk are honest and open, if a bit gossipy. Okay, real gossipy--and the word is there are hundreds of acres of mineral rights deeds in Tubbs’ estate.
Ace can’t help but make some enemies too. He’s doggedly trying to stay true to his alias and that’s damn hard to do since he’s taking on the crooked lawyer and his scheming wife, their hired gun, and the town tough guy, a psycho named Pink.
He’s also attracted to the pretty widow, Annie. Ace tries to deny it, but her humor and determination give him hope. He comes to realize he’s found a place to stay, that he might find love again, and it’s worth fighting for. Tremont’s pissed off and on the defensive. The hired guns are hiding in the hills plotting mischief. Nothing a former Navy SEAL/ undercover operative can’t handle; but can he do it without revealing his true identity?
Then an earnest young US Marshal shows up. He’s got some disturbing news. The Russians are already sniffing around. Okay, what else could go wrong?
Well, Pink goes on a rampage, murdering one of Ace’s new friends, revenge for an ill advised prank involving a garden hose and Tremont’s drunken wife. Ace discovers that Annie’s husband’s fatal accident that left her daughter paralyzed was no accident. Tremont appears to have stolen one of Tubbs mineral deeds and they’ve discovered gas on the property. Tubbs comes out of his coma, drawing the Russians closer by using Ace’s real name. That’s what could go wrong. The cops aren’t making much progress. How can he make things right?
Ace comes up with a plan to turn the tables on Tremont and the Russians while keeping his alias intact. With a little forgery, a little larceny, and a little help from his new friends… it almost works. Good thing the junior G-man sticks around!
FERRIS’ BLUFF is a 96K word thriller that would also be at home on the romantic suspense shelves. The story is written as a stand alone novel, but there are a bunch of bad guys out there still gunning for Ace.
Thank you for taking a look. My contact information is listed below. I sincerely hope to hear from you.
I'll be happy to post some pages if anyone wants to see them, and thanks in advance for your comments!
Fred
Jul 29, 2009
QUERY-Killing Time on the Highway (rev. 2)
Click here to read the original query.
Minnesota State Patrol investigator Cade Dawkins takes on the case of a lifetime when a bloody highway shootout leaves behind eight dead bodies—and $300 million in cash. His last assignment was a disaster that left his partners dead and his career on life support. Cade jumps at the opportunity for redemption, recognizing this will either be his biggest case—or his final case.
As Cade gets close to uncovering the money’s owner, there’s a problem: the owner has his own plan to get it back. Four of the cruelest men to ever crawl out into daylight use a stolen Hummer and automatic weapons to launch a catastrophic attack on the Twin Cities’ busiest highway to slow down Cade’s investigation—and help audacious thief Martin Clements break into Patrol headquarters to steal the money back. This high adrenaline story will make you feel like you were behind the wheel at 120 miles per hour.
Killing Time on the Highway, my 68,000 word thriller, will appeal to fans of the Prey series by John Sandford. His novels have taught me that strong characters, tight plotting and page turning action are important ingredients to a successful thriller.
Having written professionally for the last ten years, focusing on advertising and marketing, I quickly learned the value of powerful ideas and concise execution. I am currently 40,000 words into my second novel—an unrelated thriller.
Best regards,
Allan Evans
Minnesota State Patrol investigator Cade Dawkins takes on the case of a lifetime when a bloody highway shootout leaves behind eight dead bodies—and $300 million in cash. His last assignment was a disaster that left his partners dead and his career on life support. Cade jumps at the opportunity for redemption, recognizing this will either be his biggest case—or his final case.
As Cade gets close to uncovering the money’s owner, there’s a problem: the owner has his own plan to get it back. Four of the cruelest men to ever crawl out into daylight use a stolen Hummer and automatic weapons to launch a catastrophic attack on the Twin Cities’ busiest highway to slow down Cade’s investigation—and help audacious thief Martin Clements break into Patrol headquarters to steal the money back. This high adrenaline story will make you feel like you were behind the wheel at 120 miles per hour.
Killing Time on the Highway, my 68,000 word thriller, will appeal to fans of the Prey series by John Sandford. His novels have taught me that strong characters, tight plotting and page turning action are important ingredients to a successful thriller.
Having written professionally for the last ten years, focusing on advertising and marketing, I quickly learned the value of powerful ideas and concise execution. I am currently 40,000 words into my second novel—an unrelated thriller.
Best regards,
Allan Evans
Jul 27, 2009
QUERY- Killing Time on the Highway
A revision of this query has been posted. Click here to read it.
Large amounts of money bring large problems. State patrol investigator Cade Dawkins is assigned the case of a lifetime when a bloody highway shootout leaves behind eight dead bodies—and $300 million in cash. Recovering from a disastrous assignment that left his partners dead and his career on life support, Cade knows this will either be his biggest case—or his final case.
As Cade races to solve the case and find redemption, the money’s owner has his own plan to steal it back. Violent diversions are used—including an amazingly catastrophic attack on Minneapolis-St. Paul’s busiest highway—to slow down Cade’s investigation and help an audacious thief break into Patrol headquarters to get the money back.
Killing Time on the Highway, my 68,000 word thriller, is a tribute to the Prey series of John Sandford that has captivated me for the last 20 years. His novels have taught me that strong characters, tight plotting and plenty of action are important ingredients to a successful thriller.
Having written professionally for the last ten years, focusing on advertising, marketing and public relations, I quickly learned the value of powerful ideas and concise execution. Enjoying writing for the fun of it, I am currently 40,000 words into my second novel—an unrelated thriller.
Best regards,
Allan Evans
Large amounts of money bring large problems. State patrol investigator Cade Dawkins is assigned the case of a lifetime when a bloody highway shootout leaves behind eight dead bodies—and $300 million in cash. Recovering from a disastrous assignment that left his partners dead and his career on life support, Cade knows this will either be his biggest case—or his final case.
As Cade races to solve the case and find redemption, the money’s owner has his own plan to steal it back. Violent diversions are used—including an amazingly catastrophic attack on Minneapolis-St. Paul’s busiest highway—to slow down Cade’s investigation and help an audacious thief break into Patrol headquarters to get the money back.
Killing Time on the Highway, my 68,000 word thriller, is a tribute to the Prey series of John Sandford that has captivated me for the last 20 years. His novels have taught me that strong characters, tight plotting and plenty of action are important ingredients to a successful thriller.
Having written professionally for the last ten years, focusing on advertising, marketing and public relations, I quickly learned the value of powerful ideas and concise execution. Enjoying writing for the fun of it, I am currently 40,000 words into my second novel—an unrelated thriller.
Best regards,
Allan Evans
Query Revision 2 - Kingmaker
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the sample pages.
Dear [Agent],
Sixteen-year-old Shale Peterson doesn’t believe in magic, but she does believe that willpower can accomplish anything. All her life she’s succeeded at sports and academics through sheer stubbornness, and for the past three years she’s concentrated on one thought: wanting her mother’s malignant brain tumor to remain small and non-fatal. When she meets Grey, her soon-to-be stepfather, her carefully-cultivated control over her life begins to slip away.
Grey, the CEO of an international headhunting corporation called Kingmakers, challenges Shale, using her competitive nature to lure her to join Kingmakers. Unbeknownst to Shale, Grey’s company is the public face of a hidden world—a world of otherwise normal people who believe that willpower and magic are one and the same and who use it to achieve success in business, sports, and politics. Grey intends to make Shale his heir, but they have enemies, only some of whom are known to them: the growing number of dissenters who want to use magic for personal gain more than global advancement and Grey’s spoiled son Duncan.
Shale learns that Grey and her mother have disappeared while on their honeymoon, leaving Shale alone and vulnerable. Her anger and determination grow after she survives a hit-and-run attack followed by a number of other murder attempts. Shale has had enough. It’s time to rely on the one tool that has never failed her, her considerable willpower. With it, she’s going to lay a trap for her attackers, rescue her mother, and change the face of magic forever.
KINGMAKER is a young adult novel, complete at 83,000 words.
[Personalized.] I am a student in [redacted]University’s MFA in Creative Writing program.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I have included the first five pages below. I would welcome the opportunity to send sample chapters or the complete manuscript.
Sincerely,
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the sample pages.
Dear [Agent],
Sixteen-year-old Shale Peterson doesn’t believe in magic, but she does believe that willpower can accomplish anything. All her life she’s succeeded at sports and academics through sheer stubbornness, and for the past three years she’s concentrated on one thought: wanting her mother’s malignant brain tumor to remain small and non-fatal. When she meets Grey, her soon-to-be stepfather, her carefully-cultivated control over her life begins to slip away.
Grey, the CEO of an international headhunting corporation called Kingmakers, challenges Shale, using her competitive nature to lure her to join Kingmakers. Unbeknownst to Shale, Grey’s company is the public face of a hidden world—a world of otherwise normal people who believe that willpower and magic are one and the same and who use it to achieve success in business, sports, and politics. Grey intends to make Shale his heir, but they have enemies, only some of whom are known to them: the growing number of dissenters who want to use magic for personal gain more than global advancement and Grey’s spoiled son Duncan.
Shale learns that Grey and her mother have disappeared while on their honeymoon, leaving Shale alone and vulnerable. Her anger and determination grow after she survives a hit-and-run attack followed by a number of other murder attempts. Shale has had enough. It’s time to rely on the one tool that has never failed her, her considerable willpower. With it, she’s going to lay a trap for her attackers, rescue her mother, and change the face of magic forever.
KINGMAKER is a young adult novel, complete at 83,000 words.
[Personalized.] I am a student in [redacted]University’s MFA in Creative Writing program.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I have included the first five pages below. I would welcome the opportunity to send sample chapters or the complete manuscript.
Sincerely,
Jul 26, 2009
Calling All Synopses
The vote results are in. Actually, they've been in for several days now but I've been really busy, so I'm just now getting to them.
53% of the voters have a fever, and the only cure is more cowbell. I mean critiques. More critiques.
23% are voting-class lurkers, and they read everything on this site regardless. These are the people that also read every word on each cereal box. Every morning.
13% will decide when they see the title pop up in Google Reader. If is says "Query" in it, it's a sure thing, otherwise, (shakes Magic 8-Ball): Future Uncertain.
10% would sooner leave the blogosphere forever than read one synopsis, let alone a flood of them. Luckily they also can screen the titles in Google Reader and Mark As Read any posts categorized under the S-word.
So the writing on the wall is clear, which I absolutely expect from this crowd. Send your Synopses, I will post them, and they will be critiqued.
#
53% of the voters have a fever, and the only cure is more cowbell. I mean critiques. More critiques.
23% are voting-class lurkers, and they read everything on this site regardless. These are the people that also read every word on each cereal box. Every morning.
13% will decide when they see the title pop up in Google Reader. If is says "Query" in it, it's a sure thing, otherwise, (shakes Magic 8-Ball): Future Uncertain.
10% would sooner leave the blogosphere forever than read one synopsis, let alone a flood of them. Luckily they also can screen the titles in Google Reader and Mark As Read any posts categorized under the S-word.
So the writing on the wall is clear, which I absolutely expect from this crowd. Send your Synopses, I will post them, and they will be critiqued.
#
Query Revision 1 - Kingmaker (formerly A Profusion of Want)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the sample pages.
Note: This is a revision of my previous query for A Profusion of Want (which has since been retitled Kingmaker). That query had a very positive response from everyone here, but other readers pointed out some flaws and I reworked it. I'm not sure whether this is an improvement, so I'm hoping for feedback in that respect as well as general feedback.
Dear [Agent],
Sixteen-year-old Shale Peterson doesn’t believe in magic, but she does believe that willpower can accomplish anything. All her life she’s willed herself to win sports and academic tournaments, and for the past three years, she’s willed her mother’s malignant brain tumor to remain small and non-fatal. Then she meets Grey, the strong-willed man angling to become her stepfather, and her carefully-cultivated control over her life begins to slip away.
Grey, the CEO of an international corporation called Kingmakers, woos Shale’s mother with gifts and affection. At the same time, he challenges Shale, testing the strength of her will and using her competitive nature to lure her toward Kingmakers, which is really the public face of a hidden world—a world of people who believe that willpower and magic are one and the same—a world which, unbeknownst to Shale, Grey intends for her to one day rule. Five months after Grey enters the Petersons’ lives, he and Shale’s mother depart for their honeymoon, only to disappear—leaving an unsuspecting and worried Shale vulnerable to attack from the many people who don’t want her to become Grey’s successor.
After being run down in a parking lot, nearly killed by piano wire strung neck-high across a stairwell, attacked by hired thugs, and told that she must decide whether to accept the burden of becoming Kingmakers’ next leader, Shale’s had enough. Magic or not, the only thing she can rely on now is her considerable willpower. With it, she’s going to lay a trap for her attackers. With it, she’s going to rescue her mother, whose brain tumor is still a constant threat.
And if they've hurt her mother? Shale is going to burn their world down.
KINGMAKER is a young adult novel, complete at 83,000 words.
[Personalized.] I am a student in [redacted] University's MFA in Creative Writing program.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I have included the first five pages below. I would welcome the opportunity to send sample chapters or the complete manuscript.
Sincerely,
Click here to read the sample pages.
Note: This is a revision of my previous query for A Profusion of Want (which has since been retitled Kingmaker). That query had a very positive response from everyone here, but other readers pointed out some flaws and I reworked it. I'm not sure whether this is an improvement, so I'm hoping for feedback in that respect as well as general feedback.
Dear [Agent],
Sixteen-year-old Shale Peterson doesn’t believe in magic, but she does believe that willpower can accomplish anything. All her life she’s willed herself to win sports and academic tournaments, and for the past three years, she’s willed her mother’s malignant brain tumor to remain small and non-fatal. Then she meets Grey, the strong-willed man angling to become her stepfather, and her carefully-cultivated control over her life begins to slip away.
Grey, the CEO of an international corporation called Kingmakers, woos Shale’s mother with gifts and affection. At the same time, he challenges Shale, testing the strength of her will and using her competitive nature to lure her toward Kingmakers, which is really the public face of a hidden world—a world of people who believe that willpower and magic are one and the same—a world which, unbeknownst to Shale, Grey intends for her to one day rule. Five months after Grey enters the Petersons’ lives, he and Shale’s mother depart for their honeymoon, only to disappear—leaving an unsuspecting and worried Shale vulnerable to attack from the many people who don’t want her to become Grey’s successor.
After being run down in a parking lot, nearly killed by piano wire strung neck-high across a stairwell, attacked by hired thugs, and told that she must decide whether to accept the burden of becoming Kingmakers’ next leader, Shale’s had enough. Magic or not, the only thing she can rely on now is her considerable willpower. With it, she’s going to lay a trap for her attackers. With it, she’s going to rescue her mother, whose brain tumor is still a constant threat.
And if they've hurt her mother? Shale is going to burn their world down.
KINGMAKER is a young adult novel, complete at 83,000 words.
[Personalized.] I am a student in [redacted] University's MFA in Creative Writing program.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I have included the first five pages below. I would welcome the opportunity to send sample chapters or the complete manuscript.
Sincerely,
Jul 24, 2009
Whadyacallit?
Some dude named "The Bart" once said that names are like roses, everyone has one and they all smell real sweet. Might have been that Simpson kid. No, wait. I think I got my wires crossed.
What I mean to say is: please submit your queries with a title. If you are considering querying, you should at least have a working title. If you don't even have an idea of what you want to call your book, there's a good chance your manuscript/story still needs attention, and time spent working on the query is time better spent perfecting your manuscript.
I've posted a couple of untitled queries, and if there are more it will get confusing for me to read back through them and determine what's a revision and what's a new query; I would imagine that most of the Slushpile followers would have the same issues and QUERY-UNTITLED may have a lower chance of garnering immediate feedback; some people may think, "Oh, I've already commented on that one twice. I'll wait for fresh meat."
NOTE TO VEGETARIANS/VEGANS: It is perfectly acceptable for you to wait for fresh tofu or another form of protein in lieu of meat. No animals were harmed in the writing of this post.
NOTE TO THOSE WHO ALREADY SUBMITTED UNTITLED QUERIES: I'm not mad at you, please do not feel obligated to post apologies. I just made this rule up. You had no way of knowing when you submitted and bear no fault.
What I mean to say is: please submit your queries with a title. If you are considering querying, you should at least have a working title. If you don't even have an idea of what you want to call your book, there's a good chance your manuscript/story still needs attention, and time spent working on the query is time better spent perfecting your manuscript.
I've posted a couple of untitled queries, and if there are more it will get confusing for me to read back through them and determine what's a revision and what's a new query; I would imagine that most of the Slushpile followers would have the same issues and QUERY-UNTITLED may have a lower chance of garnering immediate feedback; some people may think, "Oh, I've already commented on that one twice. I'll wait for fresh meat."
NOTE TO VEGETARIANS/VEGANS: It is perfectly acceptable for you to wait for fresh tofu or another form of protein in lieu of meat. No animals were harmed in the writing of this post.
NOTE TO THOSE WHO ALREADY SUBMITTED UNTITLED QUERIES: I'm not mad at you, please do not feel obligated to post apologies. I just made this rule up. You had no way of knowing when you submitted and bear no fault.
Jul 23, 2009
QUERY- WIND FURY (Formerly UNTITLED)
NOTE: We've recently had a query for an untitled work, this one is new, not a revision. It was submitted on the 21st. I've been out of town on business for the past few days and I didn't have the opportunity to get it posted right away.
- Rick
This is a longer draft of my query as posted on my blog, but I wanted more breathing room and to see what the general reaction would be. Thanks in advance to anyone who takes a look! Also, I'm only including the plot summary paragraphs as those are the hardest for me.
For eons, the North Wind has blown upon the Earth, returning home after each day to an empty, icy palace on a lone mountain in the arctic tundra. Her existence is only punctuated by occasional visits from other immortals, but her life is one led by duty, not by joy. That is, until one day, when a young mortal named Armin shows up on her doorstep asking for aid for his family. She helps him, not expecting to ever see him again, but the next year, at the same time, he returns—this time not for her help, but for her company.
Thus begins a long friendship that eventually blossoms into love. North tries not to think about his mortality, but the issue is forced on her one day when a game in her palace nearly turns deadly. She relaxes when it’s over, and Armin is still alive, but her relief doesn’t last long. Someone is out to get her, or Armin, and they will do whatever it takes to succeed.
This event sparks a journey of love, loss, pain and anger that North has never before felt as an immortal. She is ripped apart and pieced back together by her quest for answers, employing the special skills she possesses to get her means. In the end, Armin’s fate becomes far wider than just that of her lover, and his destiny intertwined with that of all the gods. North has to pick a side; will she choose her heart, or her responsibility?
[UNTITLED] is a 110,000 word fantasy novel exploring a world on the edge of two destinies, and the mortals and immortals who will determine its course, explore their own true abilities, discover their pasts, and uphold their honor.
- Rick
This is a longer draft of my query as posted on my blog, but I wanted more breathing room and to see what the general reaction would be. Thanks in advance to anyone who takes a look! Also, I'm only including the plot summary paragraphs as those are the hardest for me.
For eons, the North Wind has blown upon the Earth, returning home after each day to an empty, icy palace on a lone mountain in the arctic tundra. Her existence is only punctuated by occasional visits from other immortals, but her life is one led by duty, not by joy. That is, until one day, when a young mortal named Armin shows up on her doorstep asking for aid for his family. She helps him, not expecting to ever see him again, but the next year, at the same time, he returns—this time not for her help, but for her company.
Thus begins a long friendship that eventually blossoms into love. North tries not to think about his mortality, but the issue is forced on her one day when a game in her palace nearly turns deadly. She relaxes when it’s over, and Armin is still alive, but her relief doesn’t last long. Someone is out to get her, or Armin, and they will do whatever it takes to succeed.
This event sparks a journey of love, loss, pain and anger that North has never before felt as an immortal. She is ripped apart and pieced back together by her quest for answers, employing the special skills she possesses to get her means. In the end, Armin’s fate becomes far wider than just that of her lover, and his destiny intertwined with that of all the gods. North has to pick a side; will she choose her heart, or her responsibility?
[UNTITLED] is a 110,000 word fantasy novel exploring a world on the edge of two destinies, and the mortals and immortals who will determine its course, explore their own true abilities, discover their pasts, and uphold their honor.
Jul 22, 2009
QUERY: BROKEN VERSION 2
Click here to read the original query.
Thanks! Version 2 - BROKEN
Thanks! Version 2 - BROKEN
Dear Agent X,
Madeline "Madd" Gunn is a fallen cop with an appetite for Chicago's finest breaded steak sandwiches served up with a hearty helping of vengeance. Five years ago, somebody knifed her kid sister to death in an alley. And she wants blood.
After every lead on her sister's case dries up, Madd quits the force and teams up with a group of well-connected vigilantes who hunt down violent criminals and arrange their deaths. When "The Protectors" hand Madd the name of her sister's killer and an untraceable .45, she fires four bullets into the S.O.B.'s chest and watches him die.
There's only one problem. She killed the wrong man.
Once a phone call confirms her worst fears, Madd knows that someone has set her up. But who? Now her name is on the The Protectors' hit list and finding her kid sister's killer is only the beginning of her problems. She needs to live long enough to uncover the truth, and some very powerful people want her dead.
BROKEN is an 86,000 word thriller about the irreversible consequences of revenge--and indigestion. My short stories have appeared in [redacted] and [redacted]. In an effort to add authenticity to the novel, I decided to move to Chicago ten years ago, marry a native, and eat my way through every hot dog stand south of the Loop. So far so good.
Thank you for your time.
Jul 21, 2009
QUERY - A SCORPION’S NATURE
Dear Agent,
Rage and dread torment Kyle Matusik after his dad's suicide. YMCA Camp Powell could have been a refuge, but Kyle isolates himself by alienating his overeager sailing partner and ignoring the affections of the camp newspaper's vulnerable poet. His Junior Counselor's treachery and confrontations with Brayden, a tyrant camper, ravage his insecurities. Kyle and Brayden's attraction to an alluring girl escalates their rivalry. The sunny idiots on staff can Kum Ba Yah all they want. Kyle will lash out until he gets even or is booted from camp—either outcome ends his chance to find belonging.
A SCORPION'S NATURE follows an anguished thirteen year old who copes with death by walling himself off from the living. Kyle's journey unfolds in a rollicking summer camp with quirky songs and food so atrocious even the director's mutt refuses to eat the Cheesy Fish Tarts. My 55,000 word middle grade novel coalesced out of twenty years as a YMCA camper, counselor, and director. Though not artsy, I am quite crafty.
The complete manuscript is available upon your request. Thank you for considering my work.
Sincerely,
Rage and dread torment Kyle Matusik after his dad's suicide. YMCA Camp Powell could have been a refuge, but Kyle isolates himself by alienating his overeager sailing partner and ignoring the affections of the camp newspaper's vulnerable poet. His Junior Counselor's treachery and confrontations with Brayden, a tyrant camper, ravage his insecurities. Kyle and Brayden's attraction to an alluring girl escalates their rivalry. The sunny idiots on staff can Kum Ba Yah all they want. Kyle will lash out until he gets even or is booted from camp—either outcome ends his chance to find belonging.
A SCORPION'S NATURE follows an anguished thirteen year old who copes with death by walling himself off from the living. Kyle's journey unfolds in a rollicking summer camp with quirky songs and food so atrocious even the director's mutt refuses to eat the Cheesy Fish Tarts. My 55,000 word middle grade novel coalesced out of twenty years as a YMCA camper, counselor, and director. Though not artsy, I am quite crafty.
The complete manuscript is available upon your request. Thank you for considering my work.
Sincerely,
Jul 20, 2009
NEW SUBMISSION OPTION!
Hello Slushpile followers, commenters, lurkers, and anyone else not covered by the aforementioned terms!
There is a new way to post queries and sample pages for submission.
You can email them to this address:
adaley4.postmyquery@blogger.com
The subject line of the email should be the title for the post (e.g. QUERY- AWESOME BOOK TITLE)
The body of your email should be the query and/or sample pages. Please format them accordingly, I will post them as I receive them. The posts will not go up automatically, I will review them first. If you are submitting a revision, I will add links to prior versions. I will still post items submitted as comments (a.k.a. the old way).
Thanks to everyone who submits their work for critique and the awesome group of commenters who show up immediately to offer advice. You are the ones who create the value for this site. I am just an enabler...
Jul 19, 2009
SAMPLE PAGES- UNTITLED (version 2)
Click here to read the original pages.
Click here to read the most recent query.
Chapter 1 – “Ten Years”
“I'm the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life. It's awful. If I'm on my way to the store to buy a magazine, even, and somebody asks me where I'm going, I'm liable to say I'm going to the opera. It's terrible.”
“Mrs. Newman?” A tall boy in the front row interrupts my reading aloud.
“Yes Jason?”
“Why should it matter if Holden is a great liar, he’s not writing for anyone else? I don’t understand why we can’t trust his narration? And please don’t say: What do you think?” I laugh aloud at how well he knows my style.
“Ok, let me ask you this Jason, Do you think it’s possible for someone to lie to themselves?” I say trying to work around his request.
“I guess I see what you mean – like denial?” He says
“Exactly, people lie to themselves all the time. Mothers in denial about their kid being the school bully. My kids not fat he’s just big boned!” The class is laughing and I have all their attention now.
“The only fact you really need to know when deciding what to take as true in the book is that
Holden’s perspective changes, the way he looks at the world changes from the beginning of the book to the end.”
“So I’m guessing that will be a test question?” Another boy says
“Absolutely, the test questions aren’t a secret. My intention is not to trick you.”
“That sounds like a trick to me!” A girl named Emma says
“If you’ve read the story, I mean really read it, you’ll do fine. I’m happy to give you my opinions on the interpretation, but if you decide that Holden really works for the CIA and you can give me examples and details to support that you won’t fail.”
“You know that could be true.” Jason says causing the entire classroom to erupt in laughter.
“Remember, I didn’t write the book – It’s not my place to tell you you’re wrong. Unless I can tell you didn’t read, of course.”
“In other words, there’s no easy way out?” Jason speaks up again.
“There never is.” I answer him with a smile.
4:00pm – Back in my Ford Escort, I can finally allow my mind to drift back to the girl on the beach. I try to recall some of the visions from earlier today. I remember the handsome boy’s tears and – why was he so upset? There was desperation in their eyes, something horrible had just happened – something tragic. I needed to replay the visions over and over until I could get to my computer. I know the wording won’t be perfect but I just had to get the story down. Somehow I knew if I could just get it out of my head the pieces would fall into place.
I unlocked the door, threw my things in the closet and sat down at the computer. Alone at last. For thirty minutes I type without a single hesitation. I’m jolted out of my fantasy world as the door bell rings. I hit the save button with a groan and head for the front door, it’s always something.
When I open the door a young man with dark curly hair and glasses is standing in front of me looking unbelievably anxious. His eyes widen when he sees me
“Holly! I can’t believe it’s you! You’re alright?” I recognize his face at last.
“Adam Silverman? What are you doing here?” He seems to be composing himself. Somehow it doesn’t seem like he had expected me to open the door.
“I was in town and I heard you lived here . . . . . with someone? I just thought I would stop by.” He could tell I wasn’t buying the “I-was-just-in-town” story. We hadn’t seen each other in ten years; maybe he wasn’t quite stable – mentally I mean.
“Would you like to come in, Adam?” I say slowly in case he might have trouble understanding me. He looks exactly the same; I can’t believe after ten years he hasn’t gained a pound. It looked like he even had the same glasses.
“Actually I just needed to give you something.” He follows me into the house and I point to the couch for him to have a seat.
“Really, what?” I say walking to the kitchen and filling a glass of water for him. He takes a large gulp right away then chokes and points at my left hand.
“The ring. . . on your hand?” He says stumbling with his words
“My wedding ring?” I say, he’s definitely messed up – drugs maybe? I hadn’t heard that but who knows. He swallows another gulp before speaking again.
“You’re married to. . . .?”
“David.” I say slowly again.
“Wow, David . . . huh that’s interesting.” I sat down next to him on the couch trying to get a good look at his eyes; I’m not sure exactly what I’m looking for – dilated pupils, redness?
“Adam? Are you ok? I mean is something wrong?” he nodded without speaking; I prompt him again “Is that why you’re here?”
He set his glass down and turned to face me; his eyes looked normal – just anxious.
“Yes.”
“What’s going on Adam? You can tell me.” He’s silent again looking down at his hands. I decide to try a different question.
“You seemed surprised to see me, were you expecting someone else?” I say trying to lighten the mood.
“Can you tell me something, Holly?”
“Sure, what?”
“Well, you know . . . what have you been up to. . . . .for the last ten years I mean?”
I laugh nervously
“All ten of them?”
“No, I mean what you do. Your job?”
“Oh, I’m teaching; high school English, at a school in Manhattan. I’m also trying my hand at fiction writing in my spare time.” I point towards the laptop on the coffee table.
“You’re writing a book? What about?” I give him a brief over view of the visions I’ve been having lately and the parts that I still haven’t unraveled yet.
“I didn’t really plan on writing a whole book, it’s just these ideas started flowing out of me and I had to get them down on paper. After a few days or so of writing I realized that I might have the beginnings of a novel.”
His eyes are wide and his face was so pale – I thought he was going to be sick. He bent down to get something from his bag, then handed me a notebook. I turn it over in my hands. The cover of the notebook is soft pink velvet with a swirling pattern covering it.
This is my journal, my thoughts, my writing. Writing I hadn’t seen for ten years.
“Where did you get this?” I say
“I acquired it recently from a good friend,” he said a little more composed than before. Or maybe my shock was so great it overshadowed my concern with his strange behavior. He handed me a piece of paper with an address on it.
“Come see me after you read this. I’ll need your help.” I’m still staring at the notebook and I don’t even notice him walking towards the door.
“Wait Adam, I already know what’s in here, let me help you; I know it’s been awhile since we’ve seen each other, but you were such a great friend to me. Whatever’s going on with you I can help?” He looks at me for a few moments standing in front of the open door – his eyes look sad; defeated almost.
“There’s nothing wrong with me, Holly – trust me. Read it, I’ll be waiting.” He shuts the door quickly. My mind races trying to think of someone I can call to help him perhaps. I dial David’s number first his phone goes straight to voice mail.
Curiosity is eating at me now and I have to look. As I open the notebook a photograph falls out on to the floor. I pick it up staring at the girl in the photo. It’s me at eighteen or nineteen, I gasp when I notice the boy standing next to me. My legs give out and I fall back on to the couch. The boy in the photo has his arm around me kissing my cheek - his amazing blue eyes are still visible.
This is the boy from my visions; the one I’ve devoted over three hundred pages to. A boy I have never seen in my entire life. I open the book and start to read. . . . . . . . .
Click here to read the most recent query.
Chapter 1 – “Ten Years”
“I'm the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life. It's awful. If I'm on my way to the store to buy a magazine, even, and somebody asks me where I'm going, I'm liable to say I'm going to the opera. It's terrible.”
“Mrs. Newman?” A tall boy in the front row interrupts my reading aloud.
“Yes Jason?”
“Why should it matter if Holden is a great liar, he’s not writing for anyone else? I don’t understand why we can’t trust his narration? And please don’t say: What do you think?” I laugh aloud at how well he knows my style.
“Ok, let me ask you this Jason, Do you think it’s possible for someone to lie to themselves?” I say trying to work around his request.
“I guess I see what you mean – like denial?” He says
“Exactly, people lie to themselves all the time. Mothers in denial about their kid being the school bully. My kids not fat he’s just big boned!” The class is laughing and I have all their attention now.
“The only fact you really need to know when deciding what to take as true in the book is that
Holden’s perspective changes, the way he looks at the world changes from the beginning of the book to the end.”
“So I’m guessing that will be a test question?” Another boy says
“Absolutely, the test questions aren’t a secret. My intention is not to trick you.”
“That sounds like a trick to me!” A girl named Emma says
“If you’ve read the story, I mean really read it, you’ll do fine. I’m happy to give you my opinions on the interpretation, but if you decide that Holden really works for the CIA and you can give me examples and details to support that you won’t fail.”
“You know that could be true.” Jason says causing the entire classroom to erupt in laughter.
“Remember, I didn’t write the book – It’s not my place to tell you you’re wrong. Unless I can tell you didn’t read, of course.”
“In other words, there’s no easy way out?” Jason speaks up again.
“There never is.” I answer him with a smile.
4:00pm – Back in my Ford Escort, I can finally allow my mind to drift back to the girl on the beach. I try to recall some of the visions from earlier today. I remember the handsome boy’s tears and – why was he so upset? There was desperation in their eyes, something horrible had just happened – something tragic. I needed to replay the visions over and over until I could get to my computer. I know the wording won’t be perfect but I just had to get the story down. Somehow I knew if I could just get it out of my head the pieces would fall into place.
I unlocked the door, threw my things in the closet and sat down at the computer. Alone at last. For thirty minutes I type without a single hesitation. I’m jolted out of my fantasy world as the door bell rings. I hit the save button with a groan and head for the front door, it’s always something.
When I open the door a young man with dark curly hair and glasses is standing in front of me looking unbelievably anxious. His eyes widen when he sees me
“Holly! I can’t believe it’s you! You’re alright?” I recognize his face at last.
“Adam Silverman? What are you doing here?” He seems to be composing himself. Somehow it doesn’t seem like he had expected me to open the door.
“I was in town and I heard you lived here . . . . . with someone? I just thought I would stop by.” He could tell I wasn’t buying the “I-was-just-in-town” story. We hadn’t seen each other in ten years; maybe he wasn’t quite stable – mentally I mean.
“Would you like to come in, Adam?” I say slowly in case he might have trouble understanding me. He looks exactly the same; I can’t believe after ten years he hasn’t gained a pound. It looked like he even had the same glasses.
“Actually I just needed to give you something.” He follows me into the house and I point to the couch for him to have a seat.
“Really, what?” I say walking to the kitchen and filling a glass of water for him. He takes a large gulp right away then chokes and points at my left hand.
“The ring. . . on your hand?” He says stumbling with his words
“My wedding ring?” I say, he’s definitely messed up – drugs maybe? I hadn’t heard that but who knows. He swallows another gulp before speaking again.
“You’re married to. . . .?”
“David.” I say slowly again.
“Wow, David . . . huh that’s interesting.” I sat down next to him on the couch trying to get a good look at his eyes; I’m not sure exactly what I’m looking for – dilated pupils, redness?
“Adam? Are you ok? I mean is something wrong?” he nodded without speaking; I prompt him again “Is that why you’re here?”
He set his glass down and turned to face me; his eyes looked normal – just anxious.
“Yes.”
“What’s going on Adam? You can tell me.” He’s silent again looking down at his hands. I decide to try a different question.
“You seemed surprised to see me, were you expecting someone else?” I say trying to lighten the mood.
“Can you tell me something, Holly?”
“Sure, what?”
“Well, you know . . . what have you been up to. . . . .for the last ten years I mean?”
I laugh nervously
“All ten of them?”
“No, I mean what you do. Your job?”
“Oh, I’m teaching; high school English, at a school in Manhattan. I’m also trying my hand at fiction writing in my spare time.” I point towards the laptop on the coffee table.
“You’re writing a book? What about?” I give him a brief over view of the visions I’ve been having lately and the parts that I still haven’t unraveled yet.
“I didn’t really plan on writing a whole book, it’s just these ideas started flowing out of me and I had to get them down on paper. After a few days or so of writing I realized that I might have the beginnings of a novel.”
His eyes are wide and his face was so pale – I thought he was going to be sick. He bent down to get something from his bag, then handed me a notebook. I turn it over in my hands. The cover of the notebook is soft pink velvet with a swirling pattern covering it.
This is my journal, my thoughts, my writing. Writing I hadn’t seen for ten years.
“Where did you get this?” I say
“I acquired it recently from a good friend,” he said a little more composed than before. Or maybe my shock was so great it overshadowed my concern with his strange behavior. He handed me a piece of paper with an address on it.
“Come see me after you read this. I’ll need your help.” I’m still staring at the notebook and I don’t even notice him walking towards the door.
“Wait Adam, I already know what’s in here, let me help you; I know it’s been awhile since we’ve seen each other, but you were such a great friend to me. Whatever’s going on with you I can help?” He looks at me for a few moments standing in front of the open door – his eyes look sad; defeated almost.
“There’s nothing wrong with me, Holly – trust me. Read it, I’ll be waiting.” He shuts the door quickly. My mind races trying to think of someone I can call to help him perhaps. I dial David’s number first his phone goes straight to voice mail.
Curiosity is eating at me now and I have to look. As I open the notebook a photograph falls out on to the floor. I pick it up staring at the girl in the photo. It’s me at eighteen or nineteen, I gasp when I notice the boy standing next to me. My legs give out and I fall back on to the couch. The boy in the photo has his arm around me kissing my cheek - his amazing blue eyes are still visible.
This is the boy from my visions; the one I’ve devoted over three hundred pages to. A boy I have never seen in my entire life. I open the book and start to read. . . . . . . . .
QUERY: Ghosts of Innocence (version 2)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Amazing Agent,
Shayla Carver, undercover agent and master assassin, has killed many times. That's what assassins do. Nothing to lose sleep over. But this mission is different; she's never killed a whole planet before.
She's seen it happen though, many years ago, when her own home burned on the orders of a young Emperor. And now she's ready, finally, to exact payment in kind from the whole rotten and murderous establishment.
Shayla has planned everything meticulously, except that she hasn't allowed for coming face to face with some of the two billion inhabitants she's about to slaughter. Ordinary people. Not the stereotyped strutting Imperials of her imagination, and not so readily dismissed as legitimate targets or collateral damage. And then there's the Emperor himself. An ordinary man with troubles and dreams of his own. Not the kind of man Shayla can picture giving such an order.
Now she's starting to lose sleep.
As she enslaves the destructive might of the Emperor's own fleet and launches the final stage of her plan, Shayla can no longer ignore the enormity of what she's doing. On the brink of success, she must choose: To complete her lifelong goal to rid humanity of a corrupt regime, or to heed her own misgivings and serve the man, her sworn enemy, that she's spent so many years pursuing.
"Ghosts of Innocence" is a science fiction novel complete at 95,000 words. I am also working on a sequel, "The Ashes of Home". Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely
Wannabe Author
Dear Amazing Agent,
Shayla Carver, undercover agent and master assassin, has killed many times. That's what assassins do. Nothing to lose sleep over. But this mission is different; she's never killed a whole planet before.
She's seen it happen though, many years ago, when her own home burned on the orders of a young Emperor. And now she's ready, finally, to exact payment in kind from the whole rotten and murderous establishment.
Shayla has planned everything meticulously, except that she hasn't allowed for coming face to face with some of the two billion inhabitants she's about to slaughter. Ordinary people. Not the stereotyped strutting Imperials of her imagination, and not so readily dismissed as legitimate targets or collateral damage. And then there's the Emperor himself. An ordinary man with troubles and dreams of his own. Not the kind of man Shayla can picture giving such an order.
Now she's starting to lose sleep.
As she enslaves the destructive might of the Emperor's own fleet and launches the final stage of her plan, Shayla can no longer ignore the enormity of what she's doing. On the brink of success, she must choose: To complete her lifelong goal to rid humanity of a corrupt regime, or to heed her own misgivings and serve the man, her sworn enemy, that she's spent so many years pursuing.
"Ghosts of Innocence" is a science fiction novel complete at 95,000 words. I am also working on a sequel, "The Ashes of Home". Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely
Wannabe Author
Julie's query revised - attempt #2
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the sample pages.
Dear Agent,
I am currently seeking representation for my Young Adult novel, UNTITLED, complete at 90,000 words.
Seventeen year old Holly Flynn is about to matriculate into the ‘real world’ as she likes to call this high school after life. The only thing she’s in a hurry to do is hear that final bell and race out the doors of her New Jersey high school for the last time.
Through family connections Holly’s scored a summer job in Manhattan as camp counselor to a dozen rich kids whose bedrooms are probably bigger than her entire house. In no time, she’s immersed in the world of fancy cars and private drivers having no clue how much her life was about to change!
Holly’s completely devoted to her boyfriend and best friend of two years, David but when she meets Jackson, a fellow counselor she can’t stop thinking about him, or dreaming about him. Despite her incredible efforts to ignore his every move, she finds herself buried deep in solving the mysteries surrounding him; mysteries even he doesn’t understand.
Like his deceased mother and twin sister, Jackson has an unwanted and uncontrolled ability to inflict pain on those he’s close to, causing them to relive their worst memories and sentencing him to a lifetime of lonely solitude. But Holly’s opened up her heart to him more than she ever thought possible and is determined to find a way for them to be together – even if it causes her pain.
Holly and Jackson, along with the help of a surprising new friend begin a quest to unravel the mysteries of Jackson’s ability but find themselves faced with the opportunity to change Holly’s past leaving her with the impossible decision - be with her one true love or give her mother the life she should have had, removing the horrors of her past.
The ability to change the past is like playing God in a battle between right and wrong.
Click here to read the sample pages.
Dear Agent,
I am currently seeking representation for my Young Adult novel, UNTITLED, complete at 90,000 words.
Seventeen year old Holly Flynn is about to matriculate into the ‘real world’ as she likes to call this high school after life. The only thing she’s in a hurry to do is hear that final bell and race out the doors of her New Jersey high school for the last time.
Through family connections Holly’s scored a summer job in Manhattan as camp counselor to a dozen rich kids whose bedrooms are probably bigger than her entire house. In no time, she’s immersed in the world of fancy cars and private drivers having no clue how much her life was about to change!
Holly’s completely devoted to her boyfriend and best friend of two years, David but when she meets Jackson, a fellow counselor she can’t stop thinking about him, or dreaming about him. Despite her incredible efforts to ignore his every move, she finds herself buried deep in solving the mysteries surrounding him; mysteries even he doesn’t understand.
Like his deceased mother and twin sister, Jackson has an unwanted and uncontrolled ability to inflict pain on those he’s close to, causing them to relive their worst memories and sentencing him to a lifetime of lonely solitude. But Holly’s opened up her heart to him more than she ever thought possible and is determined to find a way for them to be together – even if it causes her pain.
Holly and Jackson, along with the help of a surprising new friend begin a quest to unravel the mysteries of Jackson’s ability but find themselves faced with the opportunity to change Holly’s past leaving her with the impossible decision - be with her one true love or give her mother the life she should have had, removing the horrors of her past.
The ability to change the past is like playing God in a battle between right and wrong.
Jul 18, 2009
QUERY: Ghosts of Innocence
Dear Amazing Agent,
Shayla Carver, undercover agent and master assassin, has killed many times. That's what assassins do. Nothing to lose sleep over. But this mission is different; she's never killed a whole planet before.
She's seen it happen though, many years ago, when her own home burned on the orders of a young Emperor. The young Shayla watched, helpless but incensed, and vowed revenge.
How many youngsters dream the impossible? And how many think of the consequences? Shayla did more than dream. She started on a long road, a road which she's followed without question, a road which has finally brought her to the Emperor's palace and within reach of her goal.
Shayla has planned everything meticulously, except that she hasn't allowed for coming face to face with some of the two billion inhabitants she's about to slaughter. Ordinary people. Not the stereotyped strutting Imperials of her imagination, and not so readily dismissed as legitimate targets or collateral damage. And then there's the Emperor himself. An ordinary man with troubles and dreams of his own. Not the kind of man Shayla can picture giving such an order.
Now she's starting to lose sleep.
As she enslaves the destructive might of the Emperor's own fleet and launches the final stage of her plan, Shayla can no longer ignore the enormity of what she's doing. On the brink of success, she must choose: To complete her lifelong goal to rid humanity of a corrupt regime, or to heed her own misgivings and trust the man, her sworn enemy, that she's spent so many years pursuing.
"Ghosts of Innocence" is a science fiction novel complete at 95,000 words. I am also working on a sequel, "The Ashes of Home". Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Wannabe Author
Shayla Carver, undercover agent and master assassin, has killed many times. That's what assassins do. Nothing to lose sleep over. But this mission is different; she's never killed a whole planet before.
She's seen it happen though, many years ago, when her own home burned on the orders of a young Emperor. The young Shayla watched, helpless but incensed, and vowed revenge.
How many youngsters dream the impossible? And how many think of the consequences? Shayla did more than dream. She started on a long road, a road which she's followed without question, a road which has finally brought her to the Emperor's palace and within reach of her goal.
Shayla has planned everything meticulously, except that she hasn't allowed for coming face to face with some of the two billion inhabitants she's about to slaughter. Ordinary people. Not the stereotyped strutting Imperials of her imagination, and not so readily dismissed as legitimate targets or collateral damage. And then there's the Emperor himself. An ordinary man with troubles and dreams of his own. Not the kind of man Shayla can picture giving such an order.
Now she's starting to lose sleep.
As she enslaves the destructive might of the Emperor's own fleet and launches the final stage of her plan, Shayla can no longer ignore the enormity of what she's doing. On the brink of success, she must choose: To complete her lifelong goal to rid humanity of a corrupt regime, or to heed her own misgivings and trust the man, her sworn enemy, that she's spent so many years pursuing.
"Ghosts of Innocence" is a science fiction novel complete at 95,000 words. I am also working on a sequel, "The Ashes of Home". Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Wannabe Author
Jul 17, 2009
SAMPLE PAGES- UNTITLED
Click here to read the query.
A revision of the query has been posted, click here to read it.
Chapter 1 – “Ten Years”
Wrapping her arms around his neck and hugging him tight - she whispered something in his ear. His arms were around her now holding her tight; his face buried in her hair. He pulled away after a few minutes just enough to look into her eyes. She stared right back, his bright blue eyes piercing into hers.
“Thank you.” He said putting his hands on the sides of her neck; he kissed her lips softly. The tears on his cheeks melting with hers.
7:00am – Sitting on the train into midtown, I try to grade the essays I had neglected last night. But something in my brain hit the play button on the story again and vivid images of my dashingly handsome main character invade my thoughts.
Yesterday my red pen couldn’t move fast enough as I was feeling the need to pick apart each and every one of my student’s mistakes, but today nothing could put a damper on the high I was experiencing – not even a bunch of goofy teenage students pretending to have read last night’s assignment. I walked the five blocks to the school – a bounce in my step today as I enter the hallway leading to my classroom.
“Good morning Mrs. Newman.” I hear a young voice call from outside my classroom door.
“Good morning Anna. Are you ready?” My most devoted student – a good way to begin my morning.
“Yeah, I guess. This paper is really killing me. I’m still worried about missing the central theme. And what about Mr. Antolini? Is he a child molester? Because it sure seemed like it.” I unlock the classroom door and turn on the lights. Pointing to a seat for Anna to sit, I place my coffee and bag on the desk sitting in the seat across from her.
“The interpretation’s not clear-cut. What you have to understand, Anna - is that Holden is an unstable narrator. We only know what Holden sees. Mr. Antolini made him uncomfortable but maybe Holden’s easily scared. Use what you already know about his character but then it’s up to you to decide the rest.” Her expression is skeptical and her eyes narrow in confusion.
“So what you’re saying is I can’t be wrong?” I smile at this truth, the reason I love literature; it’s never an exact science.
“In my class you won’t be wrong if you can back your theory with evidence.”
“That seems a little too easy, what’s the catch.” The handsome boy and the girl on the beach are floating back towards my frontal lobe; I can see tears in his eyes as she takes his hand pressing it to her cheek.
“There’s no catch.” I say to Anna “You just have to sell your idea – like everything else in life. Most things aren’t as clear as they are in school. I think you will eventually find that life after high school is just one big gray area.”
Anna’s face is blank – like a four year old who just received a lecture on home mortgage loans. I must be heading off the deep end now. If I was going to continue writing, I would need a better grasp on separating life from story.
“Um. . . forget that,” I say shaking my head again. “Anyway Anna, you asked about the central theme in the book? This one’s fairly simple.” I flip the pages of her copy of Catcher in Rye.
“Listen to what Holden says here,” I read the passage aloud.
“And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff - I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all.”
“Anna, think about what that cliff represents, and why Holden is so determined to prevent those kids from going over?”
9:30 am – “Tonight’s assignment is to read the final scenes of Macbeth. Trust me on this one – stay away from the internet, resist buying that copy of someone’s paper from last year - remember this is Senior AP English; I expect you all to tell me something I don’t already know. Let’s get creative!” The bell rings and the class begin to file out the door.
“Sam, can you stay for a minute please?” I say to the skinny red haired boy. He walks up to my desk with his bag over his shoulder. I slide an envelope across my desk toward him.
“What’s this?” he says
“It’s your letter of recommendation for NYU. I thought you needed two for your application?”
“Actually, I’m not going to apply.” He says quietly
“Sam, you’re my best student. Not only are you a shoo-in for admission but I know you could win the Phelps Scholarship. Why aren’t you applying?” I ask him, though I have a pretty good idea of the reason.
“Well, you know my family’s moving to Texas at the end of the school year and my mom thought . . . . .” I put my hand up to cut him off.
“Sam, you’re eighteen. You have to decide what’s best for you. Your mother’s issues with you being away from home are something she’ll have to deal with herself. The deadline is two weeks away. If I have to do your application for you, I will.”
“I know I should apply, but she just gets so upset even at the mention of me being away.” Anger at Mrs. Edwards is boiling inside me. Though this is true, seeing his face allows sympathy to overtake my anger.
“Just apply for now and then you can make your decisions later. You should keep all your options open.”
“Alright,” he says taking the letter off my desk and putting it in his bag. I sigh heavily as he leaves the room; parents sometimes had a way of ruining everything.
11:30am – I give the drink machine a hard kick with my right foot as the frozen dinner revolves around in the microwave. Finally, my Diet Coke comes tumbling out – slightly dented. As I sit down with my meal, the door to the lounge opens.
“Good morning, Holly.”
“Hi Todd.” I start scribbling nonsense in my notebook; maybe if I look busy he won’t try to talk to me.
“How’s Catcher in The Rye coming along?” He says in his annoying nasally voice.
We tend to have a very different approach of getting students to love what they read. Todd threatens them with failing grades. I prefer to coax them into listening to me read aloud if I don’t feel that the class is prepared. It’s most important that they hear the story – the rest is just details.
“We’re moving along well, and you? Have you taken inventory on “Cliff notes” at Barnes and Noble lately?” I say as his students are infamous for finding ways out of the reading. If he read aloud to them like I do I’m sure they would all complete their reading assignments to avoid listening to that horrible, nasally voice for an hour.
“I like to keep tabs. You’ve never been able to catch your students using “Cliff notes” have you?” He said condescendingly.
“No, I haven’t caught anyone yet, but I know I won’t.” I said, casually.
“Why is that? Everyone else does.” He says with a sneer to his voice
“My students all know there is nothing they can buy in a store or find on the internet to give them any short cuts on my essay.”
“Oh, right. I forgot about your open ended questions – you can’t be wrong if it’s your opinion.” He’s mocking me. How immature! I took a calming breath before speaking.
“It’s most important that they know the story; my job is to teach them to think for themselves – not study some useless passage about symbolism and themes in a three dollar pamphlet, most likely written by someone who obviously wasn’t good enough to write their own book.” I ignore his shocked expression and pick up my lunch, toss it in the garbage can and walk out of the lounge.
1:30pm –
“I'm the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life. It's awful. If I'm on my way to the store to buy a magazine, even, and somebody asks me where I'm going, I'm liable to say I'm going to the opera. It's terrible.” I read aloud to my fifth period class of juniors.
“Mrs. Newman?”
“Yes Jason?”
“Why should it matter if Holden is a great liar, he’s not writing for anyone else? I don’t understand why we can’t trust his narration? And please don’t say: What do you think?” I laugh aloud at how well he knows my style.
“Ok, let me ask you this Jason, Do you think it’s possible for someone to lie to themselves?” I say trying to work around his request.
“I guess I see what you mean – like denial?” He says
“Exactly, people lie to themselves all the time. Mothers in denial about their kid being the school bully. My kids not fat he’s just big boned!” The class is laughing and I have all their attention now.
“The only fact you really need to know when deciding what to take as true in the book is that Holden’s perspective changes, the way he looks at the world changes from the beginning of the book to the end. If you can focus on the significance of that change what’s true and what’s exaggerated becomes a lot less important.”
“So I’m guessing that will be a test question?” Another boy says
“Absolutely, the test questions aren’t a secret. I’m not making a test to trick you.”
“That sounds like a trick to me!” A girl named Emma says
“If you’ve read the story, I mean really read it, you’ll do fine. I’m happy to give you my opinions on the interpretation, but if you decide that Holden really works for the CIA and you can give me examples and details to support that you won’t fail.”
“You know that could be true.” Jason says causing the entire classroom to erupt in laughter.
“Remember, I didn’t write the book – It’s not my place to tell you you’re wrong. Unless I can tell you didn’t read, of course.”
“In other words, there’s no easy way out?” Jason speaks up again.
“There never is.” I answer him with a smile.
A revision of the query has been posted, click here to read it.
Chapter 1 – “Ten Years”
Wrapping her arms around his neck and hugging him tight - she whispered something in his ear. His arms were around her now holding her tight; his face buried in her hair. He pulled away after a few minutes just enough to look into her eyes. She stared right back, his bright blue eyes piercing into hers.
“Thank you.” He said putting his hands on the sides of her neck; he kissed her lips softly. The tears on his cheeks melting with hers.
7:00am – Sitting on the train into midtown, I try to grade the essays I had neglected last night. But something in my brain hit the play button on the story again and vivid images of my dashingly handsome main character invade my thoughts.
Yesterday my red pen couldn’t move fast enough as I was feeling the need to pick apart each and every one of my student’s mistakes, but today nothing could put a damper on the high I was experiencing – not even a bunch of goofy teenage students pretending to have read last night’s assignment. I walked the five blocks to the school – a bounce in my step today as I enter the hallway leading to my classroom.
“Good morning Mrs. Newman.” I hear a young voice call from outside my classroom door.
“Good morning Anna. Are you ready?” My most devoted student – a good way to begin my morning.
“Yeah, I guess. This paper is really killing me. I’m still worried about missing the central theme. And what about Mr. Antolini? Is he a child molester? Because it sure seemed like it.” I unlock the classroom door and turn on the lights. Pointing to a seat for Anna to sit, I place my coffee and bag on the desk sitting in the seat across from her.
“The interpretation’s not clear-cut. What you have to understand, Anna - is that Holden is an unstable narrator. We only know what Holden sees. Mr. Antolini made him uncomfortable but maybe Holden’s easily scared. Use what you already know about his character but then it’s up to you to decide the rest.” Her expression is skeptical and her eyes narrow in confusion.
“So what you’re saying is I can’t be wrong?” I smile at this truth, the reason I love literature; it’s never an exact science.
“In my class you won’t be wrong if you can back your theory with evidence.”
“That seems a little too easy, what’s the catch.” The handsome boy and the girl on the beach are floating back towards my frontal lobe; I can see tears in his eyes as she takes his hand pressing it to her cheek.
“There’s no catch.” I say to Anna “You just have to sell your idea – like everything else in life. Most things aren’t as clear as they are in school. I think you will eventually find that life after high school is just one big gray area.”
Anna’s face is blank – like a four year old who just received a lecture on home mortgage loans. I must be heading off the deep end now. If I was going to continue writing, I would need a better grasp on separating life from story.
“Um. . . forget that,” I say shaking my head again. “Anyway Anna, you asked about the central theme in the book? This one’s fairly simple.” I flip the pages of her copy of Catcher in Rye.
“Listen to what Holden says here,” I read the passage aloud.
“And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff - I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all.”
“Anna, think about what that cliff represents, and why Holden is so determined to prevent those kids from going over?”
9:30 am – “Tonight’s assignment is to read the final scenes of Macbeth. Trust me on this one – stay away from the internet, resist buying that copy of someone’s paper from last year - remember this is Senior AP English; I expect you all to tell me something I don’t already know. Let’s get creative!” The bell rings and the class begin to file out the door.
“Sam, can you stay for a minute please?” I say to the skinny red haired boy. He walks up to my desk with his bag over his shoulder. I slide an envelope across my desk toward him.
“What’s this?” he says
“It’s your letter of recommendation for NYU. I thought you needed two for your application?”
“Actually, I’m not going to apply.” He says quietly
“Sam, you’re my best student. Not only are you a shoo-in for admission but I know you could win the Phelps Scholarship. Why aren’t you applying?” I ask him, though I have a pretty good idea of the reason.
“Well, you know my family’s moving to Texas at the end of the school year and my mom thought . . . . .” I put my hand up to cut him off.
“Sam, you’re eighteen. You have to decide what’s best for you. Your mother’s issues with you being away from home are something she’ll have to deal with herself. The deadline is two weeks away. If I have to do your application for you, I will.”
“I know I should apply, but she just gets so upset even at the mention of me being away.” Anger at Mrs. Edwards is boiling inside me. Though this is true, seeing his face allows sympathy to overtake my anger.
“Just apply for now and then you can make your decisions later. You should keep all your options open.”
“Alright,” he says taking the letter off my desk and putting it in his bag. I sigh heavily as he leaves the room; parents sometimes had a way of ruining everything.
11:30am – I give the drink machine a hard kick with my right foot as the frozen dinner revolves around in the microwave. Finally, my Diet Coke comes tumbling out – slightly dented. As I sit down with my meal, the door to the lounge opens.
“Good morning, Holly.”
“Hi Todd.” I start scribbling nonsense in my notebook; maybe if I look busy he won’t try to talk to me.
“How’s Catcher in The Rye coming along?” He says in his annoying nasally voice.
We tend to have a very different approach of getting students to love what they read. Todd threatens them with failing grades. I prefer to coax them into listening to me read aloud if I don’t feel that the class is prepared. It’s most important that they hear the story – the rest is just details.
“We’re moving along well, and you? Have you taken inventory on “Cliff notes” at Barnes and Noble lately?” I say as his students are infamous for finding ways out of the reading. If he read aloud to them like I do I’m sure they would all complete their reading assignments to avoid listening to that horrible, nasally voice for an hour.
“I like to keep tabs. You’ve never been able to catch your students using “Cliff notes” have you?” He said condescendingly.
“No, I haven’t caught anyone yet, but I know I won’t.” I said, casually.
“Why is that? Everyone else does.” He says with a sneer to his voice
“My students all know there is nothing they can buy in a store or find on the internet to give them any short cuts on my essay.”
“Oh, right. I forgot about your open ended questions – you can’t be wrong if it’s your opinion.” He’s mocking me. How immature! I took a calming breath before speaking.
“It’s most important that they know the story; my job is to teach them to think for themselves – not study some useless passage about symbolism and themes in a three dollar pamphlet, most likely written by someone who obviously wasn’t good enough to write their own book.” I ignore his shocked expression and pick up my lunch, toss it in the garbage can and walk out of the lounge.
1:30pm –
“I'm the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life. It's awful. If I'm on my way to the store to buy a magazine, even, and somebody asks me where I'm going, I'm liable to say I'm going to the opera. It's terrible.” I read aloud to my fifth period class of juniors.
“Mrs. Newman?”
“Yes Jason?”
“Why should it matter if Holden is a great liar, he’s not writing for anyone else? I don’t understand why we can’t trust his narration? And please don’t say: What do you think?” I laugh aloud at how well he knows my style.
“Ok, let me ask you this Jason, Do you think it’s possible for someone to lie to themselves?” I say trying to work around his request.
“I guess I see what you mean – like denial?” He says
“Exactly, people lie to themselves all the time. Mothers in denial about their kid being the school bully. My kids not fat he’s just big boned!” The class is laughing and I have all their attention now.
“The only fact you really need to know when deciding what to take as true in the book is that Holden’s perspective changes, the way he looks at the world changes from the beginning of the book to the end. If you can focus on the significance of that change what’s true and what’s exaggerated becomes a lot less important.”
“So I’m guessing that will be a test question?” Another boy says
“Absolutely, the test questions aren’t a secret. I’m not making a test to trick you.”
“That sounds like a trick to me!” A girl named Emma says
“If you’ve read the story, I mean really read it, you’ll do fine. I’m happy to give you my opinions on the interpretation, but if you decide that Holden really works for the CIA and you can give me examples and details to support that you won’t fail.”
“You know that could be true.” Jason says causing the entire classroom to erupt in laughter.
“Remember, I didn’t write the book – It’s not my place to tell you you’re wrong. Unless I can tell you didn’t read, of course.”
“In other words, there’s no easy way out?” Jason speaks up again.
“There never is.” I answer him with a smile.
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