*I've changed the story a bit since the last time I was here, so I had to start over with my query. Thanks in advance for your comments and advice*
You can search for the original query, but since this is more of a fresh start I'm not adding the links to the top like I do with most revisions.
- Rick
The why I picked you paragraph.
Atlanta vampires are a gentler breed than most, but that is not true for the out-of-towners that are flocking to the downtown hotels for this year’s annual DragonCon. The vamps use this opportunity to take off their disguises while blending in with the costumed humans, but there are rules and Adam Bristow, forensics biologist by trade and vampire slayer by design, is there to enforce them and to keep the vampires’ existence secret.
Meanwhile, straight-laced, Felicity Johnson, is looking forward to an escape from the norm. And DragonCon, the convention that celebrates everything science fiction and fantasy, is the perfect prescription. Throw in a scrumptious attorney named Blake, and she’s landed in her own gothic paradise. However, Felicity gets an overdose of adventure when she stumbles upon one friend’s mangled body immediately after her best friend vanishes.
Felicity is introduced into the dark world of vampires when the leader of Bristow’s team and her new crush, Blake, offers to help Felicity find her missing best friend, leading her down a road that could leave her either dead or with the ultimate makeover, one that cannot be undone without a stake to the heart.
Iron Thirst is a 90,000 word urban fantasy told through the eyes of both Felicity and Bristow, inviting the reader into the dark world of the vampire while Felicity slowly discovers that things are not as they seem.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Mar 6, 2010
Absorption (second revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Agent X:
At first Brett Johnson is convinced that the hive mind is a malignant entity intent on devouring humanity. Enraptured by the strange beauty he discovers, he must determine if war is unnecessary, or if he’s been tricked and seduced himself.
Major Johnson is sent to deliver an ultimatum. The planet Oceania must abandon the nanotechnology that links individual brains into a supermind or prepare for war. To demonstrate that the Federalist Worlds are not merely driven by fear and ignorance, he reluctantly agrees to learn to use the technology himself, without completely joining the overmind.
During negotiations he rashly seduces a beautiful woman, hoping to distract her from the hive mind he believes may destroy her. With her help he learns more about Oceania than his superiors could have imagined – but begins to question what he’s been told. Is the hive mind truly an entity seeking to absorb humanity – or a collaborative tool enabling people to perform superhuman feats of intellect?
He can only find out by becoming part of the supermind. If he was right all along and no individual can ever leave, he will never know what he’s lost – and those who hear his report may not understand until it’s too late. If his doubts are correct, it may well be too late to convince his superiors, and the home world of the woman he comes to love may be wracked by a devastating and unnecessary war.
Absorption is an 80,000 word science fiction novel. I received my Masters of Library Science from the State University of New York at Albany.
Grateful Regards,
David Weisman
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Agent X:
At first Brett Johnson is convinced that the hive mind is a malignant entity intent on devouring humanity. Enraptured by the strange beauty he discovers, he must determine if war is unnecessary, or if he’s been tricked and seduced himself.
Major Johnson is sent to deliver an ultimatum. The planet Oceania must abandon the nanotechnology that links individual brains into a supermind or prepare for war. To demonstrate that the Federalist Worlds are not merely driven by fear and ignorance, he reluctantly agrees to learn to use the technology himself, without completely joining the overmind.
During negotiations he rashly seduces a beautiful woman, hoping to distract her from the hive mind he believes may destroy her. With her help he learns more about Oceania than his superiors could have imagined – but begins to question what he’s been told. Is the hive mind truly an entity seeking to absorb humanity – or a collaborative tool enabling people to perform superhuman feats of intellect?
He can only find out by becoming part of the supermind. If he was right all along and no individual can ever leave, he will never know what he’s lost – and those who hear his report may not understand until it’s too late. If his doubts are correct, it may well be too late to convince his superiors, and the home world of the woman he comes to love may be wracked by a devastating and unnecessary war.
Absorption is an 80,000 word science fiction novel. I received my Masters of Library Science from the State University of New York at Albany.
Grateful Regards,
David Weisman
Mar 5, 2010
Query - The Ice King (Revision #2)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Agent,
Joshua, a child-king, sits in the comfort of his room by a fire consumed with thoughts about the peculiar weather. He looks out his window, checking on the village below, and sees something small flying towards him: a fairy. The Oracles have sent Princess Madasine to Mount Moore to bring him to them.
The Ice King’s daughter has been taken from her tower-room by a fire dragon. The Ice King has frozen all of the realms, hoping that the cold will reach the Realm of Fire where she is being held captive. If the princess is not rescued soon, she will surely die.
The Oracles send Joshua on a quest to the Ice King, hoping he can rescue the princess and set things right in the other realms before it is too late. The power inside of him has awakened and Princess Madasine is given the task of teaching him how to contain and use it, or end his life.
During his quest, Joshua discovers his true identity and is forced to face his destiny. A destiny only he is capable of changing.
THE ICE KING is a 75,000 word, completed young adult novel. This novel is a magical adventure full of mystical creatures, powerful immortals, and a world of endless possibilities.
Thank you for taking the time to read my Query. I hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
Angela Brown
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Agent,
Joshua, a child-king, sits in the comfort of his room by a fire consumed with thoughts about the peculiar weather. He looks out his window, checking on the village below, and sees something small flying towards him: a fairy. The Oracles have sent Princess Madasine to Mount Moore to bring him to them.
The Ice King’s daughter has been taken from her tower-room by a fire dragon. The Ice King has frozen all of the realms, hoping that the cold will reach the Realm of Fire where she is being held captive. If the princess is not rescued soon, she will surely die.
The Oracles send Joshua on a quest to the Ice King, hoping he can rescue the princess and set things right in the other realms before it is too late. The power inside of him has awakened and Princess Madasine is given the task of teaching him how to contain and use it, or end his life.
During his quest, Joshua discovers his true identity and is forced to face his destiny. A destiny only he is capable of changing.
THE ICE KING is a 75,000 word, completed young adult novel. This novel is a magical adventure full of mystical creatures, powerful immortals, and a world of endless possibilities.
Thank you for taking the time to read my Query. I hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
Angela Brown
Revised Query - The Ice King
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent,
A Chosen One falls from the heavens every thousand years, destined to bring back peace to all races: mortal and immortal. The last two became evil and twisted; will Joshua follow them or will he change his destiny?
Azalla, a powerful shapeshifter, has guarded and protected Joshua, patiently waiting for him to be called upon. Everyday that passes, he becomes more than a quest to her. She loves and fears him, torn between her quest and his destiny.
The Ice King’s daughter, Arriell, has been taken from her tower-room by a fire dragon. The Ice King freezes all of the realms, in hopes that the cold will reach the Realm of Fire where she is now being held captive. If she is not rescued soon, she will surely die.
The Oracles summon Princess Madasine, a fairy princess, and command her to bring Joshua to them. The power inside of him has awakened early and Princess Madasine has been given the task of teaching him how to contain and use it. The Oracles send him on a quest to the Ice King, in hopes that he can rescue Princess Arriell and set things right in the other realms before it is too late.
THE ICE KING is a Middle Grade-Young Adult 75,000 word, completed novel. This novel is a magical adventure full of mystical creatures, powerful immortals, and a world full of endless possibilities.
Thank you for taking the time to read my Query. I hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
Dear Agent,
A Chosen One falls from the heavens every thousand years, destined to bring back peace to all races: mortal and immortal. The last two became evil and twisted; will Joshua follow them or will he change his destiny?
Azalla, a powerful shapeshifter, has guarded and protected Joshua, patiently waiting for him to be called upon. Everyday that passes, he becomes more than a quest to her. She loves and fears him, torn between her quest and his destiny.
The Ice King’s daughter, Arriell, has been taken from her tower-room by a fire dragon. The Ice King freezes all of the realms, in hopes that the cold will reach the Realm of Fire where she is now being held captive. If she is not rescued soon, she will surely die.
The Oracles summon Princess Madasine, a fairy princess, and command her to bring Joshua to them. The power inside of him has awakened early and Princess Madasine has been given the task of teaching him how to contain and use it. The Oracles send him on a quest to the Ice King, in hopes that he can rescue Princess Arriell and set things right in the other realms before it is too late.
THE ICE KING is a Middle Grade-Young Adult 75,000 word, completed novel. This novel is a magical adventure full of mystical creatures, powerful immortals, and a world full of endless possibilities.
Thank you for taking the time to read my Query. I hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
Mar 4, 2010
Query - The Ice King
Dear Agent,
I am writing to you because I just finished my first novel and I am hoping you will represent me.
My manuscript, The Ice King, is the first novel in a young adult series entitled The Chosen that I am in the process of writing. The Ice King, will take the reader on a magical adventure alongside characters such as: a child-king, a fairy princess, and a powerful shapeshifter. My novel is 75,000 words in its completed form and is similar to the writings of Cornelia Funke.
Joshua never expected that his world would be turned upside down by the arrival of an uninvited guest lingering outside his bedchamber window. A small fairy princess, boiling over with pride, demands entrance into his chambers. She tells him he must leave immediately with her and he has no choice. She has an unexpected surprise when a powerful immortal walks in. A shapeshifter, disguised as his nanny, has been protecting him and waiting for him to come of age so she can reveal who he truly is and what he is destined to become. Something has gone terribly wrong in the Ice Kingdom, causing the Ice King to freeze all the realms. A journey to meet the Oracles, sends Joshua on a quest to realms he never knew existed, and begins a destiny he will find hard to accept.
Thank you again for taking the time to read this. I hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
Angela Brown
I am writing to you because I just finished my first novel and I am hoping you will represent me.
My manuscript, The Ice King, is the first novel in a young adult series entitled The Chosen that I am in the process of writing. The Ice King, will take the reader on a magical adventure alongside characters such as: a child-king, a fairy princess, and a powerful shapeshifter. My novel is 75,000 words in its completed form and is similar to the writings of Cornelia Funke.
Joshua never expected that his world would be turned upside down by the arrival of an uninvited guest lingering outside his bedchamber window. A small fairy princess, boiling over with pride, demands entrance into his chambers. She tells him he must leave immediately with her and he has no choice. She has an unexpected surprise when a powerful immortal walks in. A shapeshifter, disguised as his nanny, has been protecting him and waiting for him to come of age so she can reveal who he truly is and what he is destined to become. Something has gone terribly wrong in the Ice Kingdom, causing the Ice King to freeze all the realms. A journey to meet the Oracles, sends Joshua on a quest to realms he never knew existed, and begins a destiny he will find hard to accept.
Thank you again for taking the time to read this. I hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
Angela Brown
Mar 1, 2010
Query- Mayhem, Inc. (Revised)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent,
Archer Quinn eats only food he can count, organizes his clothes by color, and polishes every bullet before loading his gun. Quinn, a former Special Forces operative, has carved out a simple life of order with his courier company, a job that permits him to be virtually invisible as he avoids stepping on cracks and taps the side of his truck three times after every delivery. But, after he foils a seemingly random hit on his life, Quinn is thrust headlong into a corporate conspiracy with the sole endgame of toppling the globe into anarchy.
On the run from strange men in gray suits and fighting for his life, Quinn soon realizes the world is going to end in two weeks, and that he is the only one able to see the method to the madness. As society teeters on the edge, Quinn has to make a decision. Stop the corporation’s plan? Or help it along? They are, after all, the order behind the chaos.
Mayhem, Inc. is a 78,000-word thriller.
Dear Agent,
Archer Quinn eats only food he can count, organizes his clothes by color, and polishes every bullet before loading his gun. Quinn, a former Special Forces operative, has carved out a simple life of order with his courier company, a job that permits him to be virtually invisible as he avoids stepping on cracks and taps the side of his truck three times after every delivery. But, after he foils a seemingly random hit on his life, Quinn is thrust headlong into a corporate conspiracy with the sole endgame of toppling the globe into anarchy.
On the run from strange men in gray suits and fighting for his life, Quinn soon realizes the world is going to end in two weeks, and that he is the only one able to see the method to the madness. As society teeters on the edge, Quinn has to make a decision. Stop the corporation’s plan? Or help it along? They are, after all, the order behind the chaos.
Mayhem, Inc. is a 78,000-word thriller.
Feb 28, 2010
Revised Query - Absorption
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent X:
Does the hive mind on the planet Oceania threaten to devour humanity – or can Major Brett Johnson find a way to avert a bloody invasion of the home world of the woman he loves?
As a young medic, Brett Johnson saw atrocities perpetrated by the hive mind Alexander. Now the Space Force sends him to the planet Oceania where the nanotechnology Alexander was based upon was developed. Many thousands of brains are linked together by nanotechnology into the oldest and largest hive mind in existence, and the planet has derived many economic and medical benefits from it.
Major Brett Johnson’s job is to convince the Oceanians that those who voluntarily became part of the hive mind don’t fully understand the peril to their humanity, and that they must allow the nanotechnology and everything based on it to be destroyed rather than forcing the Federalist Worlds to fight a war against them. He is also to learn as much as possible about Oceanian technology to win a war if one is inevitable.
At first Brett believes in his mission. Then he rashly seduces a beautiful woman, knowing this may interfere with his task, yet wanting to distract her from giving her soul to the hive mind. With her help he learns more about Oceania than his superiors could have hoped – but begins to question what he’s been told. Is the hive mind truly a malignant entity seeking to trick humans into building the tools it needs to absorb them – or a collaborative tool enabling people to perform superhuman feats of intellect?
He can only find out by becoming part of the supermind. If he was right all along and no individual can ever leave, he will never know what he’s lost – and those who hear his report may not understand until it’s too late. If his doubts are correct, it may well be too late to convince his superiors, and the home world of the woman he loves may be wracked by a devastating and unnecessary war.
Absorption is an 80,000 word science fiction novel. I received my Masters of Library Science from the State University of New York at Albany.
Grateful Regards,
David Weisman
Dear Agent X:
Does the hive mind on the planet Oceania threaten to devour humanity – or can Major Brett Johnson find a way to avert a bloody invasion of the home world of the woman he loves?
As a young medic, Brett Johnson saw atrocities perpetrated by the hive mind Alexander. Now the Space Force sends him to the planet Oceania where the nanotechnology Alexander was based upon was developed. Many thousands of brains are linked together by nanotechnology into the oldest and largest hive mind in existence, and the planet has derived many economic and medical benefits from it.
Major Brett Johnson’s job is to convince the Oceanians that those who voluntarily became part of the hive mind don’t fully understand the peril to their humanity, and that they must allow the nanotechnology and everything based on it to be destroyed rather than forcing the Federalist Worlds to fight a war against them. He is also to learn as much as possible about Oceanian technology to win a war if one is inevitable.
At first Brett believes in his mission. Then he rashly seduces a beautiful woman, knowing this may interfere with his task, yet wanting to distract her from giving her soul to the hive mind. With her help he learns more about Oceania than his superiors could have hoped – but begins to question what he’s been told. Is the hive mind truly a malignant entity seeking to trick humans into building the tools it needs to absorb them – or a collaborative tool enabling people to perform superhuman feats of intellect?
He can only find out by becoming part of the supermind. If he was right all along and no individual can ever leave, he will never know what he’s lost – and those who hear his report may not understand until it’s too late. If his doubts are correct, it may well be too late to convince his superiors, and the home world of the woman he loves may be wracked by a devastating and unnecessary war.
Absorption is an 80,000 word science fiction novel. I received my Masters of Library Science from the State University of New York at Albany.
Grateful Regards,
David Weisman
Feb 22, 2010
QUERY- The Brigid
This is too long and not focused enough, but I can't see how to fix it.
In this 80,000 word urban fantasy, The Brigid, one man's lack of faith in his unseen heritage may be the weakness that destroys the entire world, starting with those closest to him.
They are brothers. Twins. They live in the white world, but a piece of them belongs to their mother's people, the Nez Perce. Caleb accepts that piece of himself, but Mika's doubts haunt him. In spite of what his brother thinks, it's intuition that sometimes guides Mika, not the spirit guide he courted in his adolescence.
Into their lives comes Brigid, a beautiful woman with no memory and enemies—and friends—who stretch the brothers' credulity. Creatures like the beautiful but terrifying Tuatha de dannan and the wee man who smokes a dragonbone pipe and who just might be a leprechaun. These creatures aren't even from their heritage, but the twins' spirit guides won't let turn their backs no matter how unbelievable all this is. They can't, because the magic that has been locked away in various pocket worlds for nearly two millennium is flooding back into the world through dangerously wide-open portals created by those who want to reclaim this world, but whose recklessness threatens to destroy everything in an explosive chain reaction. And behind it all, the dragons of Brigid's world laugh at how easy humankind is to manipulate.
In order to save not just the world of the mysterious stranger, who both brothers are starting to fall in love with, but their own world as well, Mika must learn to believe and Caleb must learn to see his own worth outside of his brother's shadow.
Thanks to anyone who has any ideas.
In this 80,000 word urban fantasy, The Brigid, one man's lack of faith in his unseen heritage may be the weakness that destroys the entire world, starting with those closest to him.
They are brothers. Twins. They live in the white world, but a piece of them belongs to their mother's people, the Nez Perce. Caleb accepts that piece of himself, but Mika's doubts haunt him. In spite of what his brother thinks, it's intuition that sometimes guides Mika, not the spirit guide he courted in his adolescence.
Into their lives comes Brigid, a beautiful woman with no memory and enemies—and friends—who stretch the brothers' credulity. Creatures like the beautiful but terrifying Tuatha de dannan and the wee man who smokes a dragonbone pipe and who just might be a leprechaun. These creatures aren't even from their heritage, but the twins' spirit guides won't let turn their backs no matter how unbelievable all this is. They can't, because the magic that has been locked away in various pocket worlds for nearly two millennium is flooding back into the world through dangerously wide-open portals created by those who want to reclaim this world, but whose recklessness threatens to destroy everything in an explosive chain reaction. And behind it all, the dragons of Brigid's world laugh at how easy humankind is to manipulate.
In order to save not just the world of the mysterious stranger, who both brothers are starting to fall in love with, but their own world as well, Mika must learn to believe and Caleb must learn to see his own worth outside of his brother's shadow.
Thanks to anyone who has any ideas.
Feb 21, 2010
Query - Avid Heights (Revision 1)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear (Agent):
Just like every other girl in the city of Avid Heights, Sailor Tulley has a crush on the local superhero, Corey Cantrell. It’s too bad she’s the sidekick of his nemesis, the city villain.
When Sailor ditches her sidekick disguise to get closer to Corey, she’s surprised to see that he returns her feelings. But when her boss mysteriously discovers her relationship with his rival the same day that Corey begins giving her the cold shoulder, she realizes it’s no coincidence. The connection between hero and villain runs deeper than she expected, and Corey may not be the hero that he says he is.
She must now decide which is more important: salvaging a relationship with her ideal man, or holding onto her irreplaceable career. Both hero and villain are lying about their identity, and the only way for Sailor to make a decision is to uncover who they really are.
AVID HEIGHTS is a work of commercial fiction complete at 60,000 words. This book can stand alone, but I also have a sequel planned.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
** Notes from the author:
1) Thank you so much to those who helped me shorten this query, and to Rick for making this possible. I welcome as many more critiques as it takes.
2) I'm trying this from a "commercial fiction" angle instead of chick lit. Does this work?
Dear (Agent):
Just like every other girl in the city of Avid Heights, Sailor Tulley has a crush on the local superhero, Corey Cantrell. It’s too bad she’s the sidekick of his nemesis, the city villain.
When Sailor ditches her sidekick disguise to get closer to Corey, she’s surprised to see that he returns her feelings. But when her boss mysteriously discovers her relationship with his rival the same day that Corey begins giving her the cold shoulder, she realizes it’s no coincidence. The connection between hero and villain runs deeper than she expected, and Corey may not be the hero that he says he is.
She must now decide which is more important: salvaging a relationship with her ideal man, or holding onto her irreplaceable career. Both hero and villain are lying about their identity, and the only way for Sailor to make a decision is to uncover who they really are.
AVID HEIGHTS is a work of commercial fiction complete at 60,000 words. This book can stand alone, but I also have a sequel planned.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
** Notes from the author:
1) Thank you so much to those who helped me shorten this query, and to Rick for making this possible. I welcome as many more critiques as it takes.
2) I'm trying this from a "commercial fiction" angle instead of chick lit. Does this work?
Feb 20, 2010
Query - Shards of Glass
SHARDS OF GLASS is women's fiction, complete at 83,000 words.
April Mitchell was seventeen years old when she helped her terminally ill father commit suicide. Six years later, she's living the perfect life, as a medical school student with a handsome boyfriend, but can't quite put the past behind her.
As her father requested, she lied to her mother, saying that he died alone. After her mother’s emotional breakdown, April realized no one was ever going to love her if she told them the truth. She’s been lying ever since – borrowing other people’s stories for her own, pretending that her father is still alive, even changing what she ate for lunch that day. It seems like the only way to remake her world – and herself – into what it should be.
The truth starts to come out when April runs into ex-lover Nick, who tells April’s true story to his jealous girlfriend. She exposes April's secret, endangering April's seat at medical school and the family's life insurance money. April must finally talk to her mother about the night her father died, as her lies are all uncovered. But telling the truth about her father’s suicide and her chronic lying since might cost her dream of being a doctor, her boyfriend, and any possibility of ever reconciling with her mom.
I have been previously published in Cicada and Windhover. I also run the writing blog This Is Not My Day Job (http://thisisnotmydayjob.blogspot.com).
I look forward to your response.
Sincerely,
Guinevere
April Mitchell was seventeen years old when she helped her terminally ill father commit suicide. Six years later, she's living the perfect life, as a medical school student with a handsome boyfriend, but can't quite put the past behind her.
As her father requested, she lied to her mother, saying that he died alone. After her mother’s emotional breakdown, April realized no one was ever going to love her if she told them the truth. She’s been lying ever since – borrowing other people’s stories for her own, pretending that her father is still alive, even changing what she ate for lunch that day. It seems like the only way to remake her world – and herself – into what it should be.
The truth starts to come out when April runs into ex-lover Nick, who tells April’s true story to his jealous girlfriend. She exposes April's secret, endangering April's seat at medical school and the family's life insurance money. April must finally talk to her mother about the night her father died, as her lies are all uncovered. But telling the truth about her father’s suicide and her chronic lying since might cost her dream of being a doctor, her boyfriend, and any possibility of ever reconciling with her mom.
I have been previously published in Cicada and Windhover. I also run the writing blog This Is Not My Day Job (http://thisisnotmydayjob.blogspot.com).
I look forward to your response.
Sincerely,
Guinevere
Feb 19, 2010
Query - Avid Heights
Dear (Agent):
There’s no doubt in Sailor Tulley’s mind that her crush on Corey Cantrell is unrequited. He’s brawny and tan with flawless physical features, and she’s vertically challenged and overweight. Not to mention he’s the superhero of the city of Avid Heights, and she’s the sidekick of his nemesis.
Corey treats her like dirt because of her job position, but Sailor is convinced that if he knew her as a person and not an enemy, he would return her feelings. She ditches her sidekick disguise and approaches him in plain clothes, and he’s fooled into believing she’s a different person. Despite their contrasting physiques, he appears to be falling for her.
At first, Sailor manages to keep the taboo romance under wraps while simultaneously concealing her professional identity around Corey. But when her boss mysteriously discovers her relationship with his rival the same day that Corey begins giving her the cold shoulder, Sailor realizes it’s no coincidence. The connection between hero and villain runs deeper than she expected.
She must now decide whose side she is really on: her handsome lover who is now suddenly uninterested, or his nemesis, her concerned employer to whom she failed to remain loyal. Both men have been hiding behind lies, but the only way for Sailor to see them for who they really are is to start being honest with herself.
AVID HEIGHTS is a 60,000-word chick lit novel set in a futuristic city. This book can stand alone, but I also have a sequel planned.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
**Notes from the author:
1) I'm aware that this is super long, but I can't figure out how to trim it. Any advice would be great!
2) Novel word count is on the shorter side, but I'm hoping to get it up to 70k with more editing.
There’s no doubt in Sailor Tulley’s mind that her crush on Corey Cantrell is unrequited. He’s brawny and tan with flawless physical features, and she’s vertically challenged and overweight. Not to mention he’s the superhero of the city of Avid Heights, and she’s the sidekick of his nemesis.
Corey treats her like dirt because of her job position, but Sailor is convinced that if he knew her as a person and not an enemy, he would return her feelings. She ditches her sidekick disguise and approaches him in plain clothes, and he’s fooled into believing she’s a different person. Despite their contrasting physiques, he appears to be falling for her.
At first, Sailor manages to keep the taboo romance under wraps while simultaneously concealing her professional identity around Corey. But when her boss mysteriously discovers her relationship with his rival the same day that Corey begins giving her the cold shoulder, Sailor realizes it’s no coincidence. The connection between hero and villain runs deeper than she expected.
She must now decide whose side she is really on: her handsome lover who is now suddenly uninterested, or his nemesis, her concerned employer to whom she failed to remain loyal. Both men have been hiding behind lies, but the only way for Sailor to see them for who they really are is to start being honest with herself.
AVID HEIGHTS is a 60,000-word chick lit novel set in a futuristic city. This book can stand alone, but I also have a sequel planned.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
**Notes from the author:
1) I'm aware that this is super long, but I can't figure out how to trim it. Any advice would be great!
2) Novel word count is on the shorter side, but I'm hoping to get it up to 70k with more editing.
Feb 17, 2010
Query- 7 Days (Revision 3)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the second revision.
All pastors claim to believe in God; some even believe in demons – too bad Nathan Hanlin isn’t one of them.
Tired of preaching about a God who supposedly loves mankind, Nathan figures life would be easier if he took destiny into his own hands. And it is, easier that is, until a demon shows up. But it’s not just one demon that Nathan encounters, nor is he the only one having this problem. It turns out that when Nathan turned his back on God, he created a crack in the spiritual shield protecting his town, a shield that has stood in place for over 100 years.
All Nathan wants is for life to get back to normal. He’d like his nightmares to end, his friends to accept he’s never going to preach again and for his older sister to stop insisting God is trying to get his attention. Enough already. Actually, what Nathan really wants is to step back in time, to a place where he was happy, fulfilled and there were no demons to deal with. When Nathan finally gets the courage to go through his dead wife’s things, he finds out the life he thought he had never really existed.
Nathan must now choose to stop blaming God and accept his life or completely forsake everyone and let whatever comes have its way, demons and all.
7 DAYS TO REDEMPTION completed at 77,000 words is a supernatural suspense in which a pastor's faith in God is tested and his trust in his sister is betrayed.
Click here to read the second revision.
All pastors claim to believe in God; some even believe in demons – too bad Nathan Hanlin isn’t one of them.
Tired of preaching about a God who supposedly loves mankind, Nathan figures life would be easier if he took destiny into his own hands. And it is, easier that is, until a demon shows up. But it’s not just one demon that Nathan encounters, nor is he the only one having this problem. It turns out that when Nathan turned his back on God, he created a crack in the spiritual shield protecting his town, a shield that has stood in place for over 100 years.
All Nathan wants is for life to get back to normal. He’d like his nightmares to end, his friends to accept he’s never going to preach again and for his older sister to stop insisting God is trying to get his attention. Enough already. Actually, what Nathan really wants is to step back in time, to a place where he was happy, fulfilled and there were no demons to deal with. When Nathan finally gets the courage to go through his dead wife’s things, he finds out the life he thought he had never really existed.
Nathan must now choose to stop blaming God and accept his life or completely forsake everyone and let whatever comes have its way, demons and all.
7 DAYS TO REDEMPTION completed at 77,000 words is a supernatural suspense in which a pastor's faith in God is tested and his trust in his sister is betrayed.
Query: Shifting Sand (Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent:
Sadie Sloan is discovering that it's hell on a marriage to love another man.
Sadie, a thirty-six-year-old art teacher on the brink of divorce is in self-imposed exile on Tybee, a barrier island off the coast of Georgia that is heavy on small town southern charm and social deviants. One night after yet another bartender cuts her off, Sadie runs into Kyle, the man who left her shattered eighteen years ago. Seeing him releases a torrent of suppressed memories of that summer after high school when she fell in love with Kyle, her boyfriend's best friend and her best friend's boyfriend. The shocking suicide of Sadie's best friend drove them apart and Sadie never quite recovered. Now it seems like they have another chance to discover the happiness that was denied them so many years ago.
Sadie is too busy trying to pretend to be a teenager again to listen to friends and family who are all warning her to stay away from Kyle. Sadie's husband is too busy trying to soothe his bruised ego to tell Sadie that he loves her and desperately wants her to come back home.
Before Sadie throws her life away for Kyle, she must learn for herself that the past only exists in her memories and that as much as she may want to, she can't go back again.
Shifting Sand, a work of women's fiction, is complete at 89,000 words. Please contact me if you are interested in seeing my novel. Thank you for your consideration.
Dear Agent:
Sadie Sloan is discovering that it's hell on a marriage to love another man.
Sadie, a thirty-six-year-old art teacher on the brink of divorce is in self-imposed exile on Tybee, a barrier island off the coast of Georgia that is heavy on small town southern charm and social deviants. One night after yet another bartender cuts her off, Sadie runs into Kyle, the man who left her shattered eighteen years ago. Seeing him releases a torrent of suppressed memories of that summer after high school when she fell in love with Kyle, her boyfriend's best friend and her best friend's boyfriend. The shocking suicide of Sadie's best friend drove them apart and Sadie never quite recovered. Now it seems like they have another chance to discover the happiness that was denied them so many years ago.
Sadie is too busy trying to pretend to be a teenager again to listen to friends and family who are all warning her to stay away from Kyle. Sadie's husband is too busy trying to soothe his bruised ego to tell Sadie that he loves her and desperately wants her to come back home.
Before Sadie throws her life away for Kyle, she must learn for herself that the past only exists in her memories and that as much as she may want to, she can't go back again.
Shifting Sand, a work of women's fiction, is complete at 89,000 words. Please contact me if you are interested in seeing my novel. Thank you for your consideration.
Query: Mayhem, Inc.
Dear Agent
The end of the world is coming in two weeks. Or so Thaddeus Sinclair would have you believe. He is a member of a covert group of anarchists called Mayhem, Inc. Sinclair has carefully devised a plot to convince the world an asteroid will collide with the earth. He has bribed, manipulated, and murdered people to get all the pieces into their exact positions. After years of meticulous planning, the endgame is set. Society will soon collapse into a quagmire of mayhem and destruction.
There is only one problem with his plan: Archer Quinn.
Quinn, a courier, only eats food he can count, organizes his clothes by color, and polishes every bullet before loading his gun. Mayhem, Inc. hires his courier service to deliver a package that includes the orders: “Kill the messenger”. But they didn’t plan on Quinn’s former Special Forces training. He escapes with their encrypted data and scarce clues on why someone wants him dead. His hunt for the truth leads him to junior reporter, Tamara Bruce. She is investigating a mysterious tip about a cover up of an asteroid strike and is at dead end until Quinn shows up.
Harrowed by strange men in gray suits, and Sinclair’s minions who want the data back, Quinn and Tamara untangle more of the plot and realize someone is manipulating everything—including them. With startling clarity, Archer Quinn realizes the chaos surrounding him is not random chance, but a set of orchestrated events. Quinn’s obsessive compulsive mind rails against the idea of organized chaos, and summarily shuts down.
As society teeters on the edge of bedlam, Tamara helps calm the order/chaos storm raging in Quinn’s head, but a new conundrum takes its place: should he continue his efforts to stop Sinclair and Mayhem, Inc.—or should he be helping them? They are after all, the order behind the chaos.
The end of the world is coming in two weeks. Or so Thaddeus Sinclair would have you believe. He is a member of a covert group of anarchists called Mayhem, Inc. Sinclair has carefully devised a plot to convince the world an asteroid will collide with the earth. He has bribed, manipulated, and murdered people to get all the pieces into their exact positions. After years of meticulous planning, the endgame is set. Society will soon collapse into a quagmire of mayhem and destruction.
There is only one problem with his plan: Archer Quinn.
Quinn, a courier, only eats food he can count, organizes his clothes by color, and polishes every bullet before loading his gun. Mayhem, Inc. hires his courier service to deliver a package that includes the orders: “Kill the messenger”. But they didn’t plan on Quinn’s former Special Forces training. He escapes with their encrypted data and scarce clues on why someone wants him dead. His hunt for the truth leads him to junior reporter, Tamara Bruce. She is investigating a mysterious tip about a cover up of an asteroid strike and is at dead end until Quinn shows up.
Harrowed by strange men in gray suits, and Sinclair’s minions who want the data back, Quinn and Tamara untangle more of the plot and realize someone is manipulating everything—including them. With startling clarity, Archer Quinn realizes the chaos surrounding him is not random chance, but a set of orchestrated events. Quinn’s obsessive compulsive mind rails against the idea of organized chaos, and summarily shuts down.
As society teeters on the edge of bedlam, Tamara helps calm the order/chaos storm raging in Quinn’s head, but a new conundrum takes its place: should he continue his efforts to stop Sinclair and Mayhem, Inc.—or should he be helping them? They are after all, the order behind the chaos.
Feb 15, 2010
The Five Stages of Querying
One of the Slushpile's followers / lurkers / commentors posted a nice article about The Five Stages of Querying.
She also gives some advice regarding the hardest part of querying: waiting for a response!
She also gives some advice regarding the hardest part of querying: waiting for a response!
The Nameless - Query (Revision #2)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent:
Eighteen year old Erica Ann Dawson fell asleep in her bed in Batesfield, Connecticut and awoke to find herself driving down a four lane highway.
Plagued by inexplicable blackouts, she begins losing hours, even days, with no memory of what transpired in the intervening time.
As the blackouts grow worse, she starts to doubt her own sanity, until she learns the truth.
Erica is slowly being replaced, being usurped from her own life by a creature known only as a Changeling. The Changeling has bewitched Erica’s name and is using it to steal away her memories, her life, her very soul.
To save herself from being completely consumed, Erica is forced to make a terrible sacrifice; she gives up her name, and with it, relinquishes all rights to her own identity.
Now, nameless, and forgotten by her friends and family alike, the girl is plunged into a world of magic where a Sharpie and a book of matches could mean the difference between life and death. She must learn to harness the power of names and sigils to fight back against the Changelings and the dark force invading Batesfield.
Will she be strong enough to overcome the mysterious master of the Changelings and reclaim what she has lost, or will she remain nameless forever?
The Nameless is a YA fantasy novel complete at 60,000 words. The manuscript is available upon request.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Emily XXXX
Address
Telephone
Email
Dear Agent:
Eighteen year old Erica Ann Dawson fell asleep in her bed in Batesfield, Connecticut and awoke to find herself driving down a four lane highway.
Plagued by inexplicable blackouts, she begins losing hours, even days, with no memory of what transpired in the intervening time.
As the blackouts grow worse, she starts to doubt her own sanity, until she learns the truth.
Erica is slowly being replaced, being usurped from her own life by a creature known only as a Changeling. The Changeling has bewitched Erica’s name and is using it to steal away her memories, her life, her very soul.
To save herself from being completely consumed, Erica is forced to make a terrible sacrifice; she gives up her name, and with it, relinquishes all rights to her own identity.
Now, nameless, and forgotten by her friends and family alike, the girl is plunged into a world of magic where a Sharpie and a book of matches could mean the difference between life and death. She must learn to harness the power of names and sigils to fight back against the Changelings and the dark force invading Batesfield.
Will she be strong enough to overcome the mysterious master of the Changelings and reclaim what she has lost, or will she remain nameless forever?
The Nameless is a YA fantasy novel complete at 60,000 words. The manuscript is available upon request.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Emily XXXX
Address
Telephone
Beth Query (revised)
Click here to read the original query.
--note: this is not the actual title and it is only the *hook* of the query.
Seventeen-year-old rocker Beth Collins plays a killer lead guitar, but that's not what's nabbed her a scholarship to the exclusive Hamilton Academy.
It's Beth's other killer talent—the one for causing death.
Beth is a Deathmage and Hamilton is no ordinary school. It’s an enclave for the differently Talented—in other words, freaks like Beth.
At Hamilton, Beth finds love, friendship and the support she needs to rein in her
frightening abilities. But behind the school's kindly façade lurks a secret threat—a plan is brewing to exploit her Talents for a hellish evil. Now Beth must master her deadly skills on her own terms, or succumb to those who would destroy her and all that she loves.
--note: this is not the actual title and it is only the *hook* of the query.
Seventeen-year-old rocker Beth Collins plays a killer lead guitar, but that's not what's nabbed her a scholarship to the exclusive Hamilton Academy.
It's Beth's other killer talent—the one for causing death.
Beth is a Deathmage and Hamilton is no ordinary school. It’s an enclave for the differently Talented—in other words, freaks like Beth.
At Hamilton, Beth finds love, friendship and the support she needs to rein in her
frightening abilities. But behind the school's kindly façade lurks a secret threat—a plan is brewing to exploit her Talents for a hellish evil. Now Beth must master her deadly skills on her own terms, or succumb to those who would destroy her and all that she loves.
Feb 14, 2010
The Nameless Query (Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent:
Eighteen year old Erica Ann Dawson was living a quiet, albeit boring life in the sleepy town of Batesfield Connecticut.
But after a bizarre recurring dream, Erica’s peaceful life begins to unravel at the seams. She begins blacking out, awakening hours, even days later with no memory of what had transpired in the intervening time. As the blackouts grow worse, she begins to doubt her own sanity, until she learns the truth.
Erica is slowly being replaced, being usurped from her own life by a creature known only as a Changeling. The Changeling has bewitched her name and is using it to steal away Erica’s memories, her very soul.
To save herself from being completely consumed, Erica is forced to make a terrible sacrifice. She gives up her name, and with it, relinquishes all rights to her own identity.
Now, nameless, and forgotten by her friends and family alike, the girl must learn to harness a strange new ability to fight back against the Changelings and the dark force invading Batesfield. Will she be strong enough to overcome the mysterious master of the Changelings and reclaim what she has lost, or will she remain nameless forever?
The Nameless is a YA fantasy novel complete at 60,000 words. The manuscript is available upon request.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Emily XXXX
Address
Telephone
Email
Dear Agent:
Eighteen year old Erica Ann Dawson was living a quiet, albeit boring life in the sleepy town of Batesfield Connecticut.
But after a bizarre recurring dream, Erica’s peaceful life begins to unravel at the seams. She begins blacking out, awakening hours, even days later with no memory of what had transpired in the intervening time. As the blackouts grow worse, she begins to doubt her own sanity, until she learns the truth.
Erica is slowly being replaced, being usurped from her own life by a creature known only as a Changeling. The Changeling has bewitched her name and is using it to steal away Erica’s memories, her very soul.
To save herself from being completely consumed, Erica is forced to make a terrible sacrifice. She gives up her name, and with it, relinquishes all rights to her own identity.
Now, nameless, and forgotten by her friends and family alike, the girl must learn to harness a strange new ability to fight back against the Changelings and the dark force invading Batesfield. Will she be strong enough to overcome the mysterious master of the Changelings and reclaim what she has lost, or will she remain nameless forever?
The Nameless is a YA fantasy novel complete at 60,000 words. The manuscript is available upon request.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Emily XXXX
Address
Telephone
Feb 13, 2010
Query- 7 Days to Redemption (version 2)
Click here to read the original query.
Nathan Hanlin, a disillusioned pastor, denies the existence of angels, or demons for that matter, until he comes face to face with a demonic presence in his town. With everyone turning to him for answers, Nathan at first claims ignorance, but that only lasts for so long. Eventually he knows he has to figure out why demons are invading his town and why he’s the one responsible. But until he does, fear is running rampant through his congregation.
Confused, he turns to his older sister Rachel for help, only to find an old journal where Rachel has a secret she’s kept concerning his birth. If what he read is true, she’s more than just his sister. Torn, Nathan feels both lost and betrayed. The revelation of his birth combined with the supernatural powers battling it out in his town leaves Nathan with nowhere to turn.
A decision needs to be made. If he gives in to his hurt and turns away from God he’s essentially giving up on his town and those he loves. But if he turns to God, that means he has to accept a loss he blames on God, and to him, it means giving in. Or does it?
7 DAYS TO REDEMPTION completed at 77,000 words is a supernatural suspense in which a pastor's faith in God is tested and his trust in his sister is betrayed. For those who loved the earlier novels of Ted Dekker, I have a feeling they would enjoy my novel since it has the same feel.
I won the 2005 Word Alive Publishing contest with my novel Once Upon A Dream, and I hold a degree in theology as well I am a member of the Word Guild and the ACFW. If you would like to consider 7 DAYS TO REDEMPTION, I’d be more than happy to forward the complete manuscript to you.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Nathan Hanlin, a disillusioned pastor, denies the existence of angels, or demons for that matter, until he comes face to face with a demonic presence in his town. With everyone turning to him for answers, Nathan at first claims ignorance, but that only lasts for so long. Eventually he knows he has to figure out why demons are invading his town and why he’s the one responsible. But until he does, fear is running rampant through his congregation.
Confused, he turns to his older sister Rachel for help, only to find an old journal where Rachel has a secret she’s kept concerning his birth. If what he read is true, she’s more than just his sister. Torn, Nathan feels both lost and betrayed. The revelation of his birth combined with the supernatural powers battling it out in his town leaves Nathan with nowhere to turn.
A decision needs to be made. If he gives in to his hurt and turns away from God he’s essentially giving up on his town and those he loves. But if he turns to God, that means he has to accept a loss he blames on God, and to him, it means giving in. Or does it?
7 DAYS TO REDEMPTION completed at 77,000 words is a supernatural suspense in which a pastor's faith in God is tested and his trust in his sister is betrayed. For those who loved the earlier novels of Ted Dekker, I have a feeling they would enjoy my novel since it has the same feel.
I won the 2005 Word Alive Publishing contest with my novel Once Upon A Dream, and I hold a degree in theology as well I am a member of the Word Guild and the ACFW. If you would like to consider 7 DAYS TO REDEMPTION, I’d be more than happy to forward the complete manuscript to you.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Query- Beth (not the actual title)
When the exclusive Hamilton Arts Academy offers 17-year old rocker Beth Collins a scholarship, she leaps at the chance.
But it’s not her killer guitar skills that catches their eye.
Hamilton is a school for Talented—in other words, freaks like Beth who’s Talent is for causing death at will.
At Hamilton, Beth finds new love, camaraderie and training to control her dangerous abilities. But behind the school's supportive facade lurks an unknown evil-someone wants to exploit her Deathmage talents for their own hellish plans. With no one to trust, Beth must face down demonic powers and master her deadly skills, or succumb to those who would destroy her along with everyone she loves.
But it’s not her killer guitar skills that catches their eye.
Hamilton is a school for Talented—in other words, freaks like Beth who’s Talent is for causing death at will.
At Hamilton, Beth finds new love, camaraderie and training to control her dangerous abilities. But behind the school's supportive facade lurks an unknown evil-someone wants to exploit her Deathmage talents for their own hellish plans. With no one to trust, Beth must face down demonic powers and master her deadly skills, or succumb to those who would destroy her along with everyone she loves.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)