Apr 24, 2010

Query: FOCUS, SAM (Revision 2)

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.

Dear Ms./Mr. Agent:

After doing my research, I believe you are interested in commercial fiction. I hope you will like my novel entitled, FOCUS, SAM.

Sameer Sathe fell for seven women in his lifetime. One of them is going to save his life.

Sameer is good with books in his bookshop, but with nothing else, including growing up. He also has a problem – his once a year accidents. After his twenty fifth accident a mystic tells him that there is a curse on him and that he will be dead after his next mishap. There is a saviour – one of the women Sameer fell in love with. The issue is, though he did fall in love with many women, not many women fell in love with him.

Sameer reconnects with all the seven women. From the girl he promised to marry when they both were seven year olds (she rejected him) to the woman who broke their engagement (he thinks she did it because he hates people who don't know Stephen King). He realizes that he affected their lives profoundly, and most often in a terrible way. Sameer has just two weeks with every woman to perhaps undo the damage he caused.

In his quest Sameer learns why his life is worth saving.

My 78,000 words ladlit FOCUS, SAM, will appeal to the readers of Nick Hornby.

Would you like to see the sample chapters?

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Kind regards,
Rohit Gore


Thank you all for the help! Please rip it apart!
The query for my first novel received overwhelming response after it got fine - tuned on Public Query Slushpile (About 40 agents, including some of the biggest names asked for fulls/partials). The novel is unfortunately condemned to stay in my hard disk, as I have a long way to go before I become a half-decent writer. I hope something works for this one.


Suzan Harden said...

Just three small things:

1) Go with your hook as your opening paragraph. It's much stronger. If you feel the need to say how you found the agent, be specfic (i.e. agent's website, interview, etc.) and add it to the end of the query. Remember the book's the product you're selling in a query.

2) Leave out the "I hope you like . . ." sentence. It doesn't project confidence in your abilities as a writer.

2) Take out the "Would you like to see. . ." sentence. Again, it's the projection of confidence.

Other than those little things, I think you're ready to go!

Best wishes on your submissions, Rohit. Let us know what happens.

Rohit Gore said...

Many thanks for that Suzan! Great to hear those words, 'ready to go' :-)