Jul 5, 2010

Query- The Rain Legacy (revision 2)

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.

Lynette’s rule-breaking tendencies have only ever gotten her into trouble-- until she eavesdrops on a plot to murder her family. It may be too late for her dead father, but it’s not too late for Lynette. She takes her sister, a sword, and a box she can’t open, and steals away to spare the only family she has left from the same fate.

But fate won’t let Lynette run forever. She’s a chosen hero of the Goddess, and if she doesn’t take up arms and defend her continent, it will fall into the hands of the same villains who tore her family apart. Never mind she’s thirteen. Never mind she doesn’t know how to swing a sword. Never mind the murderer is a high-standing nobleman with the royal army backing him. And never mind he has six hundred years of experience, because Lynette's going to bring a higher power into play- and get revenge while she’s at it.

If the Goddess expects miracles from Lynette, the expectation goes both ways.

THE RAIN LEGACY is a 40,000-word middle grade fantasy novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Michelle Massaro said...

I already posted over at nano about how much better this version is. It's miles ahead. Good job! Hope some others come along soon to either agree with me or point out ways to improve t even more.

Good job! =)

Anonymous Author said...

This looks nice and tight. The first sentence is a little awkward compared to the rest of the letter, though. Can you think of a way to smooth it out?

Michelle Massaro said...

I already commented elsewhere about how much better this query is, and I believe I did mention that first line too. =)

Natty B said...

First of all, I love the name Lynette. Very unique. Different.

I'm a little confused about where the story takes place. I assume a fantasy world because you mention a Goddess. Do you have a name for this world you could somehow squeeze into the query? Like instead of saying defend her continent, defend her (insert name of continent/world/town).

I think you could also cut down the "never minds". Something like: "Never mind she's thirteen, has never swung a word, and the murderer she's after is a high-standing nobleman with royal army at his hands. Not to mention, he has six hundred years of experience..."

Hope that helps! good luck. Fantasy rules!