Jan 19, 2011


Click here to read the original query.

Abbie Liddell loves research, hates shrinks, and should be able to communicate with the dead.

Abbie has a psychic gift. But it’s buried within a repressed memory. Sure, she’s moved to the Queen Anne Institute of Parapsychology to uncover it. It’s just safer not to. Plus, why worry about her own past when she could be snooping through the Institute’s? Especially when it looks like the Institute is covering up another recruit’s murder. But as she’s looking into them, she finds they’re watching her. And they’re not the only ones.

Ballard is sexy and dangerous and Abbie wants nothing to do with him. But he’s been watching Abbie her whole life. Watching her in visions of the future. And her future looks worse than her past.

The Institute is desperate to contact a spirit. Desperate enough to perform a procedure on Abbie in three days to crack open her gift. They don’t care if it leaves her dead.

Remembering the two weeks her mind banished from her psyche in order to protect itself sixteen years ago may leave her wanting to die. But not remembering will kill her.

SUPERNATURAL is an adult paranormal suspense. It is complete at 125,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Kelsey (Dominique) Ridge said...

It's got voice to it, which is desirable. What you've got to watch out for is stumbling sentences. It doesn't flow quite like you'd want it to. Reading it aloud should help you smooth it out some.

Anonymous Author said...

I agree with Dominique. And it still leaves us a little confused as to what the story's about. You've told us things that are happening but I don't understand why any of them is happening.

When you say that she loves research, I picture a grad student or scholar. Before, I was picturing a teenager.

Ballard seems to come out of nowhere. Since these things are subjective, if Abbie wants nothing to do with him then he's probably not sexy. If he's been watching her her whole life, he's even less sexy. But the real problem with that graf is it's a POV shift. If they're his visions, how does Abbie know about them?

Why is the Institute desperate to contact a spirit?

You don't have to answer these questions, but you should rewrite the query so that it doesn't raise them. Good luck.

abogash said...

Better than the first query but I'm going to be a bit tougher.

Every paragraph appears disjointed to me, as if you were trying to squeeze what you consider a teaser into each.

P1: Who is Abbie and why do I care she loves research, hates shrinks and should be able to communicate with the dead? What makes her special? What's the story about?

P2: If her memory is repressed how does she know she has a psychic gift and why would she move somewhere to uncover something she knows nothing about? Or am I missing the important link from P5 and the mention of another "recruit"?

I am not a fan of starting sentences with but in a query, use your 250 words to make everything concise- no Plus, especially, ands or its. What is the it in it? If that makes sense, lol!

P3: Ballard is sexy...Abbie wants nothing to do with him. Okay, fine end of story, except I know that it's not...who is Ballard? Why is he there? What is his motivation and why does he watch Abbie etc. Notice you have two more sentences starting with but and and.

P4: Why are they desperate? If she's dead how would her gift work? Too many questions not enough substance. A query is a teaser but a teaser with enough information for the agent to make a decision about plot, writing, etc.

P5: What? I'm sure this episode 16 years ago is important and if so it should be in P1 and explained- plus, I never would have made it this far.

SUPERNATURAL, a paranormal suspense is complete at 125,000 words.
Thank you for your consideration. 5 less words which could be better used in the main paragraphs.

Now for the good stuff! I really like the premise, especially the Ballard watching her in visions (visions is important otherwise it is stalkerish) Good luck and as always use, consider or toss my suggestions- they are only my opinion.

Natty B said...

I agree with most of the comments. There are a lot of stumbling sentences. Condense. Condense. The first sentence could be more powerful if you cut the first part and just say, "Abbie should be able to communicate with the dead."

TVButler said...

I appreciate all the comments. I especially appreciate the in-depth ones. Thank you for taking the time!