I should have known Drew Strunkler, Skunkler, would morph into a big, giant douche bag the second school started. Like I was just some fly he could flick right off his shoulder. I mean, seriously, the guy wasn’t even capable of intelligent thought.
As if to prove my point, he was trying to kick a football over the roof of the school building with his other brainless jock friends.
I tugged at the collar of my shirt, feeling the heat creep all the way up to my face. Ugh! Did my eyes actually light up when I saw him? It didn’t matter because Drew Strunkler was too busy winning a bet. I wonder which pinhead will have to moon poor Mrs. Elkin, the librarian.
“The book lady’s gonna get another piece of ass today, huh?”
Alex Stoner slid into the bench beside me and I turned to him and laughed. “You would think she’d wear a blindfold by now, with all the butt cracks she’s had flashed in front of her.”
We watched Drew back up, his face tight with concentration. The broad and brawny William Peckman (aka – Pecker), with his tiny head and giant body held the football upright in the grass by his fingertips. A guy that huge had to be covering some other insecurity, like a small penis.
With a graceful swing of his leg, Drew’s foot made perfect contact with the ball and it sailed over the roof.
“Damn,” Pecker muttered.
Drew punched him in the arm, laughing like the stupid-ass idiot he was. “Somebody’s dropping his pants today.”
And just like that, his eyes turned in my direction and paused.
“Tawny,” Alex whispered. “Did Strunkler just look at you?”
I shrugged, but my heart was pounding. “Yeah, for about a quarter of a second.”
Alex flipped back the mop of dark, curly hair falling in his eyes. “Looked like he was checking you out.”
“Like I care. Let’s go inside, its five minutes till homeroom.” I was nearly twenty feet away before I realized Alex wasn’t following. He stood in the middle of the grass gaping at me like an imbecile. “What?”
He shook his head and grinned. “Sorry, I’m still not used to the good Tawny. The one who actually cares about being on time.”
“I’ve been here all summer. Caring about school has become an annoying habit.” I reached for the door, but another hand beat me to it. Both Alex and I jumped back as Drew Strunkler flung the door open. His gaze went straight over my head and then he turned quickly and raced into the school building before us.
“So rude,” Alex said.
I sucked in a breath wishing I was less observant. The way his eyes conveniently traveled over my head when we should have been face-to-face. It was intentional. He planned to ignore me on the first day of school.
I groaned. It sucks to care.
Alex and I headed to my locker when Mr. Feldman the vice principal jumped in front of us, blocking my way. “Miss Childers, I see an entire summer hasn’t knocked some sense into you?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I responded.
Alex snorted back laughter and I jabbed my elbow into his side.
Mr. Feldman shoved his glasses further up his nose and returned to crossing his arms. “I’m referring to your blatant disregard for school dress code.”
He picked up a lock of my blonde hair, the chunk with the pink streak and tugged on it. I jerked away from his touch. “Actually, I decided to make it permanent over the summer.”
“Detention, today after school,” he growled.
“I’d die before I missed spending an afternoon with you.” We ran around him and blended in with the mob of students, all dressed in navy and khaki, flooding the halls.
***
By the time I collapsed into my seat for study hall it was apparent that junior year was going to be a much bigger pill to swallow than last year. And to top it off, Drew Strunkler and Pecker sat right behind me.
Damn!
I pulled out a magazine and lifted my black boots onto the table, relieved to have forty minutes of peace before yet another mind-numbing class.
“Hey Strunk, listen to this,” Pecker said to Drew from behind me.
I glanced under my arm and saw his cell phone lay on his lap.
“Hey everyone and happy first day of school,” Pecker read aloud. “Hot Pink Party girl has had one busy summer. Do you realize how many guys are willing to get to second base while completely loaded? Yeah, pretty much all of them. Okay, so one turned me down and I had to listen to him yap and quote biblical scripture for twenty tortuous minutes. If that doesn’t put out your fire, I don’t know what does. My summer total was over fifty guys and let me tell you I’ve seen more little firemen (some smaller than others) in three months than I thought possible-”
“Quiet Mr. Peckman! This is study hall!” the teacher shouted from the front of the large lecture hall.
“Dude, this chick sounds so hot. I’d love to nail her,” Pecker whispered to Drew.
They both chuckled and I turned a little, lowering my copy of National Geographic just enough to lift one eyebrow in Drew’s direction.
A silent warning.
His smile faded and he dropped his gaze to the Algebra book in front of him. I stifled a laugh. That’s right, be afraid, be very afraid ‘cause I know all your secrets Drew Strunkler. All your virgin secrets.
***
“You do realize I won’t budge on school dress code,” Mr. Feldman said to me as I walked into detention.
“She knows,” Alex said.
I grinned at him. “How did you end up in here?”
“What are friends for? Couldn’t leave you all by yourself.”
In other words, he wasn’t going to tell me in front of Mr. Feldman. We moved to the back of the room and scooted our desks closer together.
“Okay, so I was in the locker room changing after gym class.” Alex made a face. Hand eye coordination was not something he’d been blessed with so gym was torture for a kid like him. “Anyway, Strunkler and what’s that dude’s name? The one that hikes the ball to the thrower guy?”
I laughed. Alex had only been at West Montgomery High for a year and didn’t know everyone’s name like I did. Nor did he have any knowledge of football. “You’re talking about the center and his name is Patrick Johnson.”
“Right, Strunkler and Johnson were tossing towels over the lockers and they still hadn’t changed yet out of their gym clothes. Johnson was being an ass, shoving all the freshman midgets out of his way and so I just snatched his clothes off the bench when he wasn’t looking and tossed them in an open locker.”
“You didn’t!”
He nodded proudly. “It was an unassigned locker and since we’ve got those built in locks, he had to go out of the changing room in a towel to Coach Strunkler’s office to have him look up the combination.”
I busted out laughing and Mr. Feldman glared in our direction. “Alex, you are far braver than I ever gave you credit for.”
He beamed. “It was a shining moment.”
“Yeah, just like winning an Olympic medal.” I lowered my voice. “So you have Coach Strunkler for P.E.?”
“Yeah, why?”
“So Drew’s in his dad’s class?”
“Hey, if it isn’t the legend, Tawny Childers.”
I spun in my chair to face the wild haired boy. “Lenny, I thought you were dropping out.”
“My parents say they’ll keep making my car payments if I pass most of my classes.”
“Cool,” I said.
“You missed an awesome party last night,” Lenny said.
“Why don’t you fill me in,” I said.
His face broke into vacant, “I’m drunk off my ass,” stupid grin that hadn’t changed in two years. Mostly because Lenny hadn’t changed. “Well, my brother pulled through and got us a keg. Razor’s band played and they were so on fire. This chick they’ve got singing for them is like . . . mega hot.”
I listened intently for at least ten minutes, absorbing every detail of that party. The old Tawny’s life. The one I still struggled to shed.
“It was a damn good party,” Alex said. “A lot of people asked about you.”
Lenny leaned his head closer to me and Alex. “I’ve got a massive bottle of Jack Daniels in the back of my car. You guys want to drive out to the lake after this school shit is over?”
Alex looked at me and shrugged, but I shook my head. “I’ve got a meeting.”
“Bummer. Sucks to be you, all academic and committed. How do you survive?” Lenny asked.
I rolled my eyes. “People survive one school day without getting loaded. I’m not a freakin’ saint or anything.”
Lenny put a hand over his heart. “You’re my hero, Tawny.”
Feldman was glaring again so Lenny turned back to the open text book on his desk. He raised it up a little and slipped a copy of Hustler inside. So predictable.
Alex nudged me in the shoulder. “You’re still doing that group thing?” he whispered.
“Yes.”
“All summer, while I was gone?”
“Yes.” I blew the hair off my face, trying to give off the leave-me-alone-vibe.
“Don’t they have bring a friend day or something?”
“Why would they have that? And why are you so curious all of a sudden?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s like this big part of your life and you could be at a strip club for all I know.”
“Why would I be at a strip club?”
“Quit answering my questions with a question. At least tell me where it is.”
This was a joke to him. It was last year and it still is. “You know I can’t do that.”
“What if I needed to join? Is anybody I know in your group?”
I turned my eyes away from him and pulled out one of the many thick textbooks taking up space in my bag. “You don’t need to go. And there’s no one you know.”
“Whatever,” he said.
He was pissed. But even if I wanted to tell him, I couldn’t.
Mar 26, 2010
Mar 24, 2010
Query- Launch On Need
Dear (Agent),
For more than two decades, NASA launch-imaging expert Ken Brown complained to upper management that debris would eventually bring down a shuttle. They didn’t listen. Brown could only watch as wayward pieces of foam and falling daggers of ice, threatened to wreck his birds.
Then on January 17th, 2003, Brown’s worst fear is realized while reviewing the previous day’s launch film: a small-suitcase-sized debris chunk smashed into Columbia’s wing during her ride to orbit.
Brown knows that if Columbia’s heat shield has been damaged, that in fourteen days the seven person international crew will perish in the inferno of reentry.
Although Brown contacts the necessary NASA officials about his findings, he is skeptical that sufficient action will be taken by management in time to save the crew. He decides to leak his findings to his friend John Stangley, a former CNN senior science correspondent.
NASA suddenly finds itself forced to respond to the international media’s demand for answers. Satellite imaging of Columbia is ordered, but the photos prove inconclusive. NASA then calls on two Columbia astronauts to perform an emergency wing inspection spacewalk, that reveals catastrophic wing damage.
NASA is challenged to solve the highest profile problem they’ve ever faced. The whole world watches and waits while NASA figures out how and if, it can safely bring the crew home.
The Columbia Accident Investigation Board was formed only hours after Columbia’s break-up February 1st, 2003. NASA engineers were asked by the Board if anything could have been done to save the crew. The Board’s final report published late 2003, contained a 22 page document created by NASA engineers, that outlined in detail how the crew might have been rescued.
Launch On Need, complete at 98,000 words, is a fictionalization of NASA’s rescue plan.
Thank you for your time considering my project for representation.
Sincerely,
Daniel Guiteras
(Address)
(Phone)
For more than two decades, NASA launch-imaging expert Ken Brown complained to upper management that debris would eventually bring down a shuttle. They didn’t listen. Brown could only watch as wayward pieces of foam and falling daggers of ice, threatened to wreck his birds.
Then on January 17th, 2003, Brown’s worst fear is realized while reviewing the previous day’s launch film: a small-suitcase-sized debris chunk smashed into Columbia’s wing during her ride to orbit.
Brown knows that if Columbia’s heat shield has been damaged, that in fourteen days the seven person international crew will perish in the inferno of reentry.
Although Brown contacts the necessary NASA officials about his findings, he is skeptical that sufficient action will be taken by management in time to save the crew. He decides to leak his findings to his friend John Stangley, a former CNN senior science correspondent.
NASA suddenly finds itself forced to respond to the international media’s demand for answers. Satellite imaging of Columbia is ordered, but the photos prove inconclusive. NASA then calls on two Columbia astronauts to perform an emergency wing inspection spacewalk, that reveals catastrophic wing damage.
NASA is challenged to solve the highest profile problem they’ve ever faced. The whole world watches and waits while NASA figures out how and if, it can safely bring the crew home.
The Columbia Accident Investigation Board was formed only hours after Columbia’s break-up February 1st, 2003. NASA engineers were asked by the Board if anything could have been done to save the crew. The Board’s final report published late 2003, contained a 22 page document created by NASA engineers, that outlined in detail how the crew might have been rescued.
Launch On Need, complete at 98,000 words, is a fictionalization of NASA’s rescue plan.
Thank you for your time considering my project for representation.
Sincerely,
Daniel Guiteras
(Address)
(Phone)
Query- Facets of Sorrow
Dear (Agent’s Name),
Thank you for allowing me to introduce my novel to you. Facets of Sorrow is a work of women’s fiction, which is complete at 95,000 words.
Gemma Allen knows sorrow – she knows him well. He overwhelmed her with his confidence, seduced her with his charm and injured her with his strength. His name is Aaron Dullis, and if she would just stop needing him maybe he could stop loving her. She refuses to give him that satisfaction.
When Gemma meets Kyle Johnson, she thinks he’s the one person who can bring her joy, and he does. The problem with loving two men, however, is that she’s not sure how to balance her need for each of them with her desire for them both. It seems an impossible choice – maybe it is, but she knows she must choose.
Gemma and Kyle marry, but after a few years of marriage his secretive behavior and mysterious business trips have Gemma convinced he’s not who she thought he was. She’s right. He has a past of his own, full of his own sorrow and regret. When Gemma is forced to protect Kyle’s secret, she makes decisions that land her in a hospital bed, Aaron in handcuffs and Kyle in a legal and ethical dilemma as he tries to clean up the mess they’ve all made.
I have a B.A. in English from the University of Texas. My previous writing experience includes serving as a ghostwriter for Life Builders, a nationwide mentoring ministry.
Thank you so much for your time and for considering my novel.
Sincerely,
Genevieve Wilson
Thank you for allowing me to introduce my novel to you. Facets of Sorrow is a work of women’s fiction, which is complete at 95,000 words.
Gemma Allen knows sorrow – she knows him well. He overwhelmed her with his confidence, seduced her with his charm and injured her with his strength. His name is Aaron Dullis, and if she would just stop needing him maybe he could stop loving her. She refuses to give him that satisfaction.
When Gemma meets Kyle Johnson, she thinks he’s the one person who can bring her joy, and he does. The problem with loving two men, however, is that she’s not sure how to balance her need for each of them with her desire for them both. It seems an impossible choice – maybe it is, but she knows she must choose.
Gemma and Kyle marry, but after a few years of marriage his secretive behavior and mysterious business trips have Gemma convinced he’s not who she thought he was. She’s right. He has a past of his own, full of his own sorrow and regret. When Gemma is forced to protect Kyle’s secret, she makes decisions that land her in a hospital bed, Aaron in handcuffs and Kyle in a legal and ethical dilemma as he tries to clean up the mess they’ve all made.
I have a B.A. in English from the University of Texas. My previous writing experience includes serving as a ghostwriter for Life Builders, a nationwide mentoring ministry.
Thank you so much for your time and for considering my novel.
Sincerely,
Genevieve Wilson
Mar 22, 2010
Middle Grade/Joshua and the Fantastic Forest (revision #3)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Twelve-year old Joshua Cooper finds out a walk in the woods can change his life – or end it.
Bored as the new kid in town he is desperate for adventure. He finds it in the forest when he befriends talking animals transformed accidentally from DNA of the same highly-evolved animals that lived millions of years ago and died out. He shares his magical world with two unlikely friends he rescues and they vow to protect the secret of their forest friends.
When a power-hungry fox secretly transforms thousands of animals with his prehistoric DNA into his allies to rule the forest, Joshua must find a way to save his captured friends and stop the fox. He rallies his comrades to raise their own army and build an arsenal of weapons to defend themselves against the evil hoard in the battle of their lives.
I am seeking your representation for my manuscript, JOSHUA AND THE FANTASTIC FOREST, a 52,000-word middle grade adventure that appeals to boys. I am a freelance writer with a background in reporting and marketing.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Twelve-year old Joshua Cooper finds out a walk in the woods can change his life – or end it.
Bored as the new kid in town he is desperate for adventure. He finds it in the forest when he befriends talking animals transformed accidentally from DNA of the same highly-evolved animals that lived millions of years ago and died out. He shares his magical world with two unlikely friends he rescues and they vow to protect the secret of their forest friends.
When a power-hungry fox secretly transforms thousands of animals with his prehistoric DNA into his allies to rule the forest, Joshua must find a way to save his captured friends and stop the fox. He rallies his comrades to raise their own army and build an arsenal of weapons to defend themselves against the evil hoard in the battle of their lives.
I am seeking your representation for my manuscript, JOSHUA AND THE FANTASTIC FOREST, a 52,000-word middle grade adventure that appeals to boys. I am a freelance writer with a background in reporting and marketing.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Mar 20, 2010
Query: THE WATCHERS' DAUGHTER
Dear Agent:
Eighteen-year-old Morgan Meadows has promised her Arabian mare Epona they will never be parted. Yet, she doesn't realize that while she works to build a life on a Kentucky horse farm guardians lurk in the shadows, carefully observing her until the secrets of her family can be revealed.
Keeping her promise to Epona, Morgan takes her along when she gets a chance to meet the parents she's never known. Morgan learns her father comes from a family of fallen angels known as Watchers, immortal beings searching for redemption as they strive to protect all creatures, including the creatures of a parallel world known as Gaia.
Morgan's parents left her behind as an infant because she showed no evidence of their powers, reasoning it best she live a normal, human life. Only after begging the Council (ancient rulers of the Watchers) are they able to arrange this reunion. However, to protect their secrets on Earth, the Council decrees Morgan be taken to Gaia.
In Gaia, Morgan finds herself a target of creatures who have been feeding the fire of their hatred for humanity for centuries. Their hatred stems from the abuse and neglect humans have inflicted on their world and the creatures in it, because if Earth dies--Gaia does as well. Morgan tries to convince them of the good in humanity, using her love for Epona as an example, but many believe it is a trick.
Morgan has her own magic, a magic she shares with Epona. Her powers grow with each new obstacle she faces. As visions present her first assignment as a Watcher--to find and protect the White Buffalo Calf from Sioux legend, she hopes her magic will also help her make peace with the Gaians. But when a Gaian kills her best friend, Morgan plans to use her new powers for vengeance instead.
THE WATCHERS' DAUGHTER is an 82,000word young adult fantasy complete and ready for review upon your request. I have a B.A. in English and taught college-level English courses for several years. I have been co-editor of a statewide periodical and was recently published in Modern Arabian Horse magazine.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Angela Greenlief
Eighteen-year-old Morgan Meadows has promised her Arabian mare Epona they will never be parted. Yet, she doesn't realize that while she works to build a life on a Kentucky horse farm guardians lurk in the shadows, carefully observing her until the secrets of her family can be revealed.
Keeping her promise to Epona, Morgan takes her along when she gets a chance to meet the parents she's never known. Morgan learns her father comes from a family of fallen angels known as Watchers, immortal beings searching for redemption as they strive to protect all creatures, including the creatures of a parallel world known as Gaia.
Morgan's parents left her behind as an infant because she showed no evidence of their powers, reasoning it best she live a normal, human life. Only after begging the Council (ancient rulers of the Watchers) are they able to arrange this reunion. However, to protect their secrets on Earth, the Council decrees Morgan be taken to Gaia.
In Gaia, Morgan finds herself a target of creatures who have been feeding the fire of their hatred for humanity for centuries. Their hatred stems from the abuse and neglect humans have inflicted on their world and the creatures in it, because if Earth dies--Gaia does as well. Morgan tries to convince them of the good in humanity, using her love for Epona as an example, but many believe it is a trick.
Morgan has her own magic, a magic she shares with Epona. Her powers grow with each new obstacle she faces. As visions present her first assignment as a Watcher--to find and protect the White Buffalo Calf from Sioux legend, she hopes her magic will also help her make peace with the Gaians. But when a Gaian kills her best friend, Morgan plans to use her new powers for vengeance instead.
THE WATCHERS' DAUGHTER is an 82,000word young adult fantasy complete and ready for review upon your request. I have a B.A. in English and taught college-level English courses for several years. I have been co-editor of a statewide periodical and was recently published in Modern Arabian Horse magazine.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Angela Greenlief
Mar 19, 2010
QUERY- Joshua and the Fantastic Forest (Revision 2)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Joshua and the Fantastic Forest (Revision 2)Thanks to all the commenters for improving this! sorry I put this in wrong spot before...on to helping someone else.
Dear Public Query Slushpile,
Twelve-year old Joshua Cooper is about to find out how a walk in the woods can change his life – or end it.
As the new kid in town he is desperate for adventure. He finds it in the mountain forest above his home when he befriends talking animals created from the DNA of super powered creatures that roamed the earth long ago. He shares his magical world with two unlikely friends he rescues, a bully and an old man, and they vow to protect the secret of their forest friends.
When a power-hungry fox secretly recreates thousands of his own animals to conquer and rule the forest Joshua must find a way to save his friends, and himself. He leads his comrades to raise their own army and craft an arsenal of weapons to defend themselves against the evil hoard in the battle of their lives.
I am seeking your representation for my manuscript, JOSHUA AND THE FANTASTIC FOREST, a 52,000-word middle grade adventure that appeals to boys. I am a freelance writer with a background in reporting and marketing.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Click here to read the first revision.
Joshua and the Fantastic Forest (Revision 2)Thanks to all the commenters for improving this! sorry I put this in wrong spot before...on to helping someone else.
Dear Public Query Slushpile,
Twelve-year old Joshua Cooper is about to find out how a walk in the woods can change his life – or end it.
As the new kid in town he is desperate for adventure. He finds it in the mountain forest above his home when he befriends talking animals created from the DNA of super powered creatures that roamed the earth long ago. He shares his magical world with two unlikely friends he rescues, a bully and an old man, and they vow to protect the secret of their forest friends.
When a power-hungry fox secretly recreates thousands of his own animals to conquer and rule the forest Joshua must find a way to save his friends, and himself. He leads his comrades to raise their own army and craft an arsenal of weapons to defend themselves against the evil hoard in the battle of their lives.
I am seeking your representation for my manuscript, JOSHUA AND THE FANTASTIC FOREST, a 52,000-word middle grade adventure that appeals to boys. I am a freelance writer with a background in reporting and marketing.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Mar 16, 2010
Query- Joshua and the Fantastic Forest (Revision 1)
Click here to read the original query.
Revision to Joshua and the Fantastic Forest - thank you!
Dear Public Query Slushpile,
Twelve-year old Joshua Cooper is about to find out how a walk in the woods can magically change his life – or end it.
As the new kid in town he is desperate for adventure. He soon finds it in the mountain forest above his home, but not with kids or even humans, when he befriends talking animals. They share the story of their accidental transformation into animals of amazing strength and reason that roamed the earth millions of years ago, whose existence was blasted away by a meteorite siege that left no trace behind...well, almost none.
When a bumbling, old Mr. Bimble’s walking stick (carved from wood he dug up as a boy that held the DNA of these ancient animals giving him their powers) is struck by lightning in the forest and explodes into shimmering dust, it changes every creature it touches into the animals of long ago.
Bound with their new powers, these animals also carry the memories of their ancestors and know not all were decent and wise. They know some carried dark urges to plunder and conquer their own. Could there be others like that now? All of this is forgotten in the idyllic days that follow as Joshua spends them soaring over the forest on a magnificent bald eagle, playing tag in the meadow with deer, racing through the woods hanging onto the scruff of a mighty bear and sharing fireside tales with his best friend, a beaver.
Joshua soon realizes he can’t keep the secret of the animals to himself when he encounters Mr. Bimble looking for his lost walking stick and Matt, a school bully heading up the mountain to shoot off fireworks in the woods. He must decide to rescue them from a forest sinkhole, with the help of his generous new friends, and risk sharing their secret. The unlikely trio becomes friends and vows to protect the secret of the animals no matter what the consequence.
Joshua discovers Mr. Bimble is dying from cancer and encourages his friends to create a special magic DNA brew in the hopes to cure him. They have no idea one of their own is creating his own DNA concoction, only not to cure – to create and conquer.
When a power-hungry fox carrying the dark seed of his ancestors secretly recreates thousands of his own fantastic animals into an army of soldiers to rule the forest, and possibly the world, Joshua must find a way to save his forest friends. He leads his comrades to raise their own army and build an arsenal of weapons to defend themselves against the evil animal hoard in the battle of their lives.
I am seeking your representation for my manuscript, JOSHUA AND THE FANTASTIC FOREST, a 52,000 word contemporary middle grade adventure fantasy that appeals to boys. I am a freelance writer with a background in reporting and marketing.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Revision to Joshua and the Fantastic Forest - thank you!
Dear Public Query Slushpile,
Twelve-year old Joshua Cooper is about to find out how a walk in the woods can magically change his life – or end it.
As the new kid in town he is desperate for adventure. He soon finds it in the mountain forest above his home, but not with kids or even humans, when he befriends talking animals. They share the story of their accidental transformation into animals of amazing strength and reason that roamed the earth millions of years ago, whose existence was blasted away by a meteorite siege that left no trace behind...well, almost none.
When a bumbling, old Mr. Bimble’s walking stick (carved from wood he dug up as a boy that held the DNA of these ancient animals giving him their powers) is struck by lightning in the forest and explodes into shimmering dust, it changes every creature it touches into the animals of long ago.
Bound with their new powers, these animals also carry the memories of their ancestors and know not all were decent and wise. They know some carried dark urges to plunder and conquer their own. Could there be others like that now? All of this is forgotten in the idyllic days that follow as Joshua spends them soaring over the forest on a magnificent bald eagle, playing tag in the meadow with deer, racing through the woods hanging onto the scruff of a mighty bear and sharing fireside tales with his best friend, a beaver.
Joshua soon realizes he can’t keep the secret of the animals to himself when he encounters Mr. Bimble looking for his lost walking stick and Matt, a school bully heading up the mountain to shoot off fireworks in the woods. He must decide to rescue them from a forest sinkhole, with the help of his generous new friends, and risk sharing their secret. The unlikely trio becomes friends and vows to protect the secret of the animals no matter what the consequence.
Joshua discovers Mr. Bimble is dying from cancer and encourages his friends to create a special magic DNA brew in the hopes to cure him. They have no idea one of their own is creating his own DNA concoction, only not to cure – to create and conquer.
When a power-hungry fox carrying the dark seed of his ancestors secretly recreates thousands of his own fantastic animals into an army of soldiers to rule the forest, and possibly the world, Joshua must find a way to save his forest friends. He leads his comrades to raise their own army and build an arsenal of weapons to defend themselves against the evil animal hoard in the battle of their lives.
I am seeking your representation for my manuscript, JOSHUA AND THE FANTASTIC FOREST, a 52,000 word contemporary middle grade adventure fantasy that appeals to boys. I am a freelance writer with a background in reporting and marketing.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
The Nameless - Query (Revision #2)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision. It's labeled Revision #2, but it's really Version #2, Revision #1. Oops.
Okay I thought my query still needed some tweaking. I dropped the question at the end, please let me know if this reads better:
Dear Agent:
Eighteen-year-old Erica Ann Dawson falls asleep in her bed in Batesfield, Connecticut and awakens to find herself driving down a four-lane highway.
Plagued by inexplicable blackouts, she begins losing hours, even days, with no memory of what transpired in the intervening time. As the blackouts worsen, she starts to doubt her own sanity. But the truth is even crazier.
Erica is slowly being replaced from her own life by a creature known only as a Changeling. This doppelganger has bewitched Erica’s name and is using it to steal away her memories, her life - her very soul.
To save herself from being completely consumed, Erica is forced to make a terrible sacrifice; she gives up her name, and with it, relinquishes all rights to her own identity.
Now, nameless and forgotten by friends and family alike, the girl is plunged into a world of magic where a Sharpie and a book of matches could mean the difference between life and death. She must learn to harness the power of names and sigils to fight back against the Changelings and the dark force invading Batesfield. But if Erica stands a chance at reclaiming her former life, she will need to discover the truth behind what the changelings truly are. If she fails, she will remain nameless forever.
THE NAMELESS is a YA fantasy novel complete at 60,000 words. The manuscript is available upon request.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Emily XXXX
Address
Phone
Email
Click here to read the first revision. It's labeled Revision #2, but it's really Version #2, Revision #1. Oops.
Okay I thought my query still needed some tweaking. I dropped the question at the end, please let me know if this reads better:
Dear Agent:
Eighteen-year-old Erica Ann Dawson falls asleep in her bed in Batesfield, Connecticut and awakens to find herself driving down a four-lane highway.
Plagued by inexplicable blackouts, she begins losing hours, even days, with no memory of what transpired in the intervening time. As the blackouts worsen, she starts to doubt her own sanity. But the truth is even crazier.
Erica is slowly being replaced from her own life by a creature known only as a Changeling. This doppelganger has bewitched Erica’s name and is using it to steal away her memories, her life - her very soul.
To save herself from being completely consumed, Erica is forced to make a terrible sacrifice; she gives up her name, and with it, relinquishes all rights to her own identity.
Now, nameless and forgotten by friends and family alike, the girl is plunged into a world of magic where a Sharpie and a book of matches could mean the difference between life and death. She must learn to harness the power of names and sigils to fight back against the Changelings and the dark force invading Batesfield. But if Erica stands a chance at reclaiming her former life, she will need to discover the truth behind what the changelings truly are. If she fails, she will remain nameless forever.
THE NAMELESS is a YA fantasy novel complete at 60,000 words. The manuscript is available upon request.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Emily XXXX
Address
Phone
Mar 15, 2010
QUERY- FINDING TESSA
Dear Ms. (Agent Name),
I am seeking representation for my romance novel “Finding Tessa” (72,400-word, 230-page),
a steaming and passionate love story between a Romanian do-not-step-on-my toes feisty woman and an Italian don’t-take-no-for-an-answer attractive man.
When people fall in love, there are circumstances that either bring them together or drive them apart. So is the story of my main characters, Tessa and Alex. He is a handsome Italian, powerful and successful, and a loving husband. He is living the good life until one night his wife is killed in a car accident and his whole world falls apart. Nothing and nobody can help him snap out of it or fill the emptiness in his heart. His life passes by without him being able to feel anything until he meets Tessa. She is a young Romanian, beautiful, smart and a very independent, full of energy and ready for whatever life throws at her. Her accidental encounter with Alex impacts their life forever, without either one of them knowing. Following a one-night stand, the two of them part and each returns to their normal life. Years later, the two characters get another chance to meet, but their union is tested again.
After things seem to have taken a normal course, an attack by her ex boy friend leaves Tessa in a coma until one day she wakes up, but has no recollection of who she was, nor any of the people around her. From a normal and happy existence, Tessa’s life turned upside down. Her inability to remember anything from her past, her frustrations and struggle to find herself again takes a toll on her relationship with Alex. For a period of time, she opts to battle by herself the internal turmoil and demons that feasted at her soul and heart.
Eventually, time and love prevail and the two lovers find themselves once again in each other’s arms. They accept the fact that Tessa’s memory was lost forever … or so they thought. Familiar surroundings, a smell, an image and all that was lost came back to her in a moment. In a blink of an eye she remembers who she is, and how she got there. In a moment, she got back what she longed for, her previous life and memories, but also a lot more. There is still one more secret she needs to tell Alex before they can be free to live and love one another.
Writing about Romania and Romanian people only makes sense because of my background. I was born and raised in Romania but moved to the US about six years ago and have lived ever since in Arizona.
Thank you for considering this query concerning my romance novel, “Finding Tessa.” I would love to send you my manuscript and look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
My name
My contact info
I am seeking representation for my romance novel “Finding Tessa” (72,400-word, 230-page),
a steaming and passionate love story between a Romanian do-not-step-on-my toes feisty woman and an Italian don’t-take-no-for-an-answer attractive man.
When people fall in love, there are circumstances that either bring them together or drive them apart. So is the story of my main characters, Tessa and Alex. He is a handsome Italian, powerful and successful, and a loving husband. He is living the good life until one night his wife is killed in a car accident and his whole world falls apart. Nothing and nobody can help him snap out of it or fill the emptiness in his heart. His life passes by without him being able to feel anything until he meets Tessa. She is a young Romanian, beautiful, smart and a very independent, full of energy and ready for whatever life throws at her. Her accidental encounter with Alex impacts their life forever, without either one of them knowing. Following a one-night stand, the two of them part and each returns to their normal life. Years later, the two characters get another chance to meet, but their union is tested again.
After things seem to have taken a normal course, an attack by her ex boy friend leaves Tessa in a coma until one day she wakes up, but has no recollection of who she was, nor any of the people around her. From a normal and happy existence, Tessa’s life turned upside down. Her inability to remember anything from her past, her frustrations and struggle to find herself again takes a toll on her relationship with Alex. For a period of time, she opts to battle by herself the internal turmoil and demons that feasted at her soul and heart.
Eventually, time and love prevail and the two lovers find themselves once again in each other’s arms. They accept the fact that Tessa’s memory was lost forever … or so they thought. Familiar surroundings, a smell, an image and all that was lost came back to her in a moment. In a blink of an eye she remembers who she is, and how she got there. In a moment, she got back what she longed for, her previous life and memories, but also a lot more. There is still one more secret she needs to tell Alex before they can be free to live and love one another.
Writing about Romania and Romanian people only makes sense because of my background. I was born and raised in Romania but moved to the US about six years ago and have lived ever since in Arizona.
Thank you for considering this query concerning my romance novel, “Finding Tessa.” I would love to send you my manuscript and look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
My name
My contact info
Query- Joshua and the Fantastic Forest
Dear Mr. Brown,
Your interest in middle grade fantasy fiction - and willingness to work with new authors - is what drew me to contacting you about representing my recently completed work. My manuscript, Joshua and the Fantastic Forest, is a 51,680 word contemporary middle grade adventure fantasy.
Twelve-year old Joshua Cooper enjoys nature treks but he’s about to find out how a walk in the woods can change his life – forever – or end it.
As the new kid in town on summer break he is desperate for adventure and he finds it in the nearby forest, but not with other kids – or even humans for that matter. He encounters fantastic, talking animals accidentally created from the DNA of their ancestors long before dinosaurs roamed the earth. He shares his magical world with two unlikely friends – a bully and an old man – and they vow to protect the secret of the amazing animals always.
But, when an evil fox creates an army to rule the forest – and destroy the world – Joshua must find a way with his new friends to raise their own army and defend themselves in the battle of their lives. When Joshua victoriously leads the animals in bloody war against the evil animal hoard he is struck down near death – and it is up to his friends to figure out how to bring him back to life.
I am the author of a self-published memoir (xxxxxx) and a freelance writer. Please find enclosed a sample chapter. I would love the opportunity to share the entire manuscript of Joshua and the Fantastic Forest with you.
Thank you for your time and consideration!
Your interest in middle grade fantasy fiction - and willingness to work with new authors - is what drew me to contacting you about representing my recently completed work. My manuscript, Joshua and the Fantastic Forest, is a 51,680 word contemporary middle grade adventure fantasy.
Twelve-year old Joshua Cooper enjoys nature treks but he’s about to find out how a walk in the woods can change his life – forever – or end it.
As the new kid in town on summer break he is desperate for adventure and he finds it in the nearby forest, but not with other kids – or even humans for that matter. He encounters fantastic, talking animals accidentally created from the DNA of their ancestors long before dinosaurs roamed the earth. He shares his magical world with two unlikely friends – a bully and an old man – and they vow to protect the secret of the amazing animals always.
But, when an evil fox creates an army to rule the forest – and destroy the world – Joshua must find a way with his new friends to raise their own army and defend themselves in the battle of their lives. When Joshua victoriously leads the animals in bloody war against the evil animal hoard he is struck down near death – and it is up to his friends to figure out how to bring him back to life.
I am the author of a self-published memoir (xxxxxx) and a freelance writer. Please find enclosed a sample chapter. I would love the opportunity to share the entire manuscript of Joshua and the Fantastic Forest with you.
Thank you for your time and consideration!
Mar 10, 2010
Query-Standing Asleep
Dear Query Slushpile,
Homecoming Queen Mandy doesn’t like her home town, assigned homework topics or her lip gloss smeared. When her English teacher gives her the assignment to write a paper on the missing youth in Holden, Mandy laughs through her candy-apple red lips; until she finds herself in the middle of intrigue and mystery.
Mandy figures her English assignment will be easy until she starts interviewing locals for her paper; most of them believe in the stories of alien abductions. Mandy chases clues from the town drunk to the mayor to old mines. As she gets closer to the truth, she finds she and her family are more involved than she could guess.
For one, all the missing youth are boys. And second: they are the same age. Then her underwear-model boyfriend goes missing and Mandy decides there is more to her paper than she realizes. What she discovers next brings many of Holden’s prominent citizens together to rescue the boys before they disappear for good.
Will she solve the mystery in time? And will she get an ‘A’ on her English paper?
“Standing Asleep” is 40000 YA Sci/Fi.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
He looked around, careful not to move his head. He was here again, closer to his escape away from the monsters that brought him here. Why was he here? He looked slowly to his left and saw the newest victim. Younger than most the monsters had taken and he was slim built, tall and dressed in white; like himself and all the others.
He closed his eyes. He didn’t know how long it had been since he was taken from his home. Years most likely. Everyday he worked on his escape and every time he escaped he was caught. Each time, the monsters made him sleep again.
***
Mandy had only been inside the jail once when she was ten years-old. The jail had seemed huge and scary then. But today when Mandy pulled up to the jail it didn’t feel as impressive. Mandy smiled. She was much more mature now.
A guard showed her into a room just like the ones she saw in the movies: Plexiglas windows, an old chair and phone. Mandy got her supplies out and nervously arranged her pencils into a straight line. She glanced up when she heard the lock open on her side of the Plexiglas. An older woman shuffled to an empty chair and sat.
What am I doing here? Quickly, Mandy shoved her stuff back in her pack. She reached for the recorder and her hand froze.
Steve was sitting in front of her. He looked awful, which was an improvement. Mandy couldn’t take her eyes off his weathered and stubble-lined face. His mouth opened in what Mandy could only believe was a smile. It revealed broken and missing teeth. He picked up his phone and waited for Mandy to do the same.
“Hey missy,” he croaked when she put the receiver to her ear. Mandy held her breath, as if she’d be afflicted by his bad breath.
“It’s Mandy,” she corrected without thinking.
“I know who you are,” he said. “Whaddya want?”
“I uh, need to do an interview for a class.”
While he cackled she looked at his clothes. He wore a tattered red sweater which hung limply over a dirty t-shirt that read, ‘This Earth is mine!’ Didn’t prisoners have to wear black and white stripes or something?
“Maybe you want to hear my story?” If possible, his eyes sparkled.
“Sure, Steve, that’d be great,” she said with crafted nonchalance. It was exactly what she wanted.
Homecoming Queen Mandy doesn’t like her home town, assigned homework topics or her lip gloss smeared. When her English teacher gives her the assignment to write a paper on the missing youth in Holden, Mandy laughs through her candy-apple red lips; until she finds herself in the middle of intrigue and mystery.
Mandy figures her English assignment will be easy until she starts interviewing locals for her paper; most of them believe in the stories of alien abductions. Mandy chases clues from the town drunk to the mayor to old mines. As she gets closer to the truth, she finds she and her family are more involved than she could guess.
For one, all the missing youth are boys. And second: they are the same age. Then her underwear-model boyfriend goes missing and Mandy decides there is more to her paper than she realizes. What she discovers next brings many of Holden’s prominent citizens together to rescue the boys before they disappear for good.
Will she solve the mystery in time? And will she get an ‘A’ on her English paper?
“Standing Asleep” is 40000 YA Sci/Fi.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
He looked around, careful not to move his head. He was here again, closer to his escape away from the monsters that brought him here. Why was he here? He looked slowly to his left and saw the newest victim. Younger than most the monsters had taken and he was slim built, tall and dressed in white; like himself and all the others.
He closed his eyes. He didn’t know how long it had been since he was taken from his home. Years most likely. Everyday he worked on his escape and every time he escaped he was caught. Each time, the monsters made him sleep again.
***
Mandy had only been inside the jail once when she was ten years-old. The jail had seemed huge and scary then. But today when Mandy pulled up to the jail it didn’t feel as impressive. Mandy smiled. She was much more mature now.
A guard showed her into a room just like the ones she saw in the movies: Plexiglas windows, an old chair and phone. Mandy got her supplies out and nervously arranged her pencils into a straight line. She glanced up when she heard the lock open on her side of the Plexiglas. An older woman shuffled to an empty chair and sat.
What am I doing here? Quickly, Mandy shoved her stuff back in her pack. She reached for the recorder and her hand froze.
Steve was sitting in front of her. He looked awful, which was an improvement. Mandy couldn’t take her eyes off his weathered and stubble-lined face. His mouth opened in what Mandy could only believe was a smile. It revealed broken and missing teeth. He picked up his phone and waited for Mandy to do the same.
“Hey missy,” he croaked when she put the receiver to her ear. Mandy held her breath, as if she’d be afflicted by his bad breath.
“It’s Mandy,” she corrected without thinking.
“I know who you are,” he said. “Whaddya want?”
“I uh, need to do an interview for a class.”
While he cackled she looked at his clothes. He wore a tattered red sweater which hung limply over a dirty t-shirt that read, ‘This Earth is mine!’ Didn’t prisoners have to wear black and white stripes or something?
“Maybe you want to hear my story?” If possible, his eyes sparkled.
“Sure, Steve, that’d be great,” she said with crafted nonchalance. It was exactly what she wanted.
Mar 9, 2010
Query: ONLY HUMAN
Dear [Do your worst commenters!!],
Rachel Daniels’ grandfather is dead, and everything she knew about herself died with him. She had lived her entire life with one overriding goal: to be like him. Now she is six weeks into her last semester of college, and her carefully planned life is falling apart.
When Rachel discovers twenty-eight journals her grandfather had been secretly writing for seventy years, she knows he left them for her.
As Rachel delves into the journals, she is disillusioned by accounts of her grandfather’s misjudgments and selfishness. Worst of all, while Rachel thought Lyle was proud of her for striving for mainstream success, she finds that he wondered if she would ever listen to her own instincts instead of his opinions.
Rachel disconnects as she struggles through the semester, thriving on apathy and anger. She alienates her family, acts recklessly, and contemplates dropping out of college altogether. Every journal reveals more of the real Lyle, who despite instances of extraordinary kindness or courage, falls far short of the perfect person she thought she knew.
In the midst of her grief, her philosophy professor poses a question that consumes her: What is truth? To answer it she must journey from mistake, to reflection, to acceptance, to see that her grandfather is teaching her his last lesson through the pages of his life.
ONLY HUMAN is an 88,000-word work of literary fiction that reflects a section of 20- to 40- something adult culture: cynical and blunt yet inspired and unafraid to question interpersonal relationships and the human condition. Rachel’s unapologetic and biting observations are interwoven with slices of Lyle’s life that range from laugh-out-loud funny to heart-wrenching.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Best Regards,
As of yet unpublished
Rachel Daniels’ grandfather is dead, and everything she knew about herself died with him. She had lived her entire life with one overriding goal: to be like him. Now she is six weeks into her last semester of college, and her carefully planned life is falling apart.
When Rachel discovers twenty-eight journals her grandfather had been secretly writing for seventy years, she knows he left them for her.
As Rachel delves into the journals, she is disillusioned by accounts of her grandfather’s misjudgments and selfishness. Worst of all, while Rachel thought Lyle was proud of her for striving for mainstream success, she finds that he wondered if she would ever listen to her own instincts instead of his opinions.
Rachel disconnects as she struggles through the semester, thriving on apathy and anger. She alienates her family, acts recklessly, and contemplates dropping out of college altogether. Every journal reveals more of the real Lyle, who despite instances of extraordinary kindness or courage, falls far short of the perfect person she thought she knew.
In the midst of her grief, her philosophy professor poses a question that consumes her: What is truth? To answer it she must journey from mistake, to reflection, to acceptance, to see that her grandfather is teaching her his last lesson through the pages of his life.
ONLY HUMAN is an 88,000-word work of literary fiction that reflects a section of 20- to 40- something adult culture: cynical and blunt yet inspired and unafraid to question interpersonal relationships and the human condition. Rachel’s unapologetic and biting observations are interwoven with slices of Lyle’s life that range from laugh-out-loud funny to heart-wrenching.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Best Regards,
As of yet unpublished
QUERY - MAKIN' LOVE - young adult
For seventeen-year old Annie Winters, finding the perfect guy is simple science, if only she could keep from falling for an incompatible subject.
Maintaining her Harvard bound image while being the daughter of two famous folk singers in a band called Smokin' Grass (both a name and an act they practice daily) is complicated enough without Kyle Williams butting in on her efforts to win the National Science Fair.
Her potential blue ribbon project involves a complex scientific formula, ninth month's worth of data and a compatibility test guaranteed to score her the right man, or so she thought. Until Kyle, an incompatible subject, locks them in an office and lures Annie into a few hours of impulsive fun.
Her emotions spun out of control while in the arms of an incredibly hot guy, but that doesn't mean her test is invalid. As if she would give in to his half-British charm and fall instantly in love- even if his kissing score is double that of all the compatible subjects. And even if she can't stop obsessing over all things Kyle.
Annie may be the girl who pushed and shoved her way to number one in her class, but lying about the test results, cheating on her project are two things she could never do, no matter what is at stake. The problem is, being honest with herself is more difficult than anything she's had to learn in school.
MAKIN' LOVE is a 54,000 word young adult novel. When I'm not writing, I am a Gymnastics Program Director for the YMCA and have recently published a short story in International Gymnast magazine for the April, 2010 issue. Thank you for taking the time to consider my novel.
Maintaining her Harvard bound image while being the daughter of two famous folk singers in a band called Smokin' Grass (both a name and an act they practice daily) is complicated enough without Kyle Williams butting in on her efforts to win the National Science Fair.
Her potential blue ribbon project involves a complex scientific formula, ninth month's worth of data and a compatibility test guaranteed to score her the right man, or so she thought. Until Kyle, an incompatible subject, locks them in an office and lures Annie into a few hours of impulsive fun.
Her emotions spun out of control while in the arms of an incredibly hot guy, but that doesn't mean her test is invalid. As if she would give in to his half-British charm and fall instantly in love- even if his kissing score is double that of all the compatible subjects. And even if she can't stop obsessing over all things Kyle.
Annie may be the girl who pushed and shoved her way to number one in her class, but lying about the test results, cheating on her project are two things she could never do, no matter what is at stake. The problem is, being honest with herself is more difficult than anything she's had to learn in school.
MAKIN' LOVE is a 54,000 word young adult novel. When I'm not writing, I am a Gymnastics Program Director for the YMCA and have recently published a short story in International Gymnast magazine for the April, 2010 issue. Thank you for taking the time to consider my novel.
Mar 6, 2010
IRON THIRST - URBAN FANTASY
*I've changed the story a bit since the last time I was here, so I had to start over with my query. Thanks in advance for your comments and advice*
You can search for the original query, but since this is more of a fresh start I'm not adding the links to the top like I do with most revisions.
- Rick
The why I picked you paragraph.
Atlanta vampires are a gentler breed than most, but that is not true for the out-of-towners that are flocking to the downtown hotels for this year’s annual DragonCon. The vamps use this opportunity to take off their disguises while blending in with the costumed humans, but there are rules and Adam Bristow, forensics biologist by trade and vampire slayer by design, is there to enforce them and to keep the vampires’ existence secret.
Meanwhile, straight-laced, Felicity Johnson, is looking forward to an escape from the norm. And DragonCon, the convention that celebrates everything science fiction and fantasy, is the perfect prescription. Throw in a scrumptious attorney named Blake, and she’s landed in her own gothic paradise. However, Felicity gets an overdose of adventure when she stumbles upon one friend’s mangled body immediately after her best friend vanishes.
Felicity is introduced into the dark world of vampires when the leader of Bristow’s team and her new crush, Blake, offers to help Felicity find her missing best friend, leading her down a road that could leave her either dead or with the ultimate makeover, one that cannot be undone without a stake to the heart.
Iron Thirst is a 90,000 word urban fantasy told through the eyes of both Felicity and Bristow, inviting the reader into the dark world of the vampire while Felicity slowly discovers that things are not as they seem.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
You can search for the original query, but since this is more of a fresh start I'm not adding the links to the top like I do with most revisions.
- Rick
The why I picked you paragraph.
Atlanta vampires are a gentler breed than most, but that is not true for the out-of-towners that are flocking to the downtown hotels for this year’s annual DragonCon. The vamps use this opportunity to take off their disguises while blending in with the costumed humans, but there are rules and Adam Bristow, forensics biologist by trade and vampire slayer by design, is there to enforce them and to keep the vampires’ existence secret.
Meanwhile, straight-laced, Felicity Johnson, is looking forward to an escape from the norm. And DragonCon, the convention that celebrates everything science fiction and fantasy, is the perfect prescription. Throw in a scrumptious attorney named Blake, and she’s landed in her own gothic paradise. However, Felicity gets an overdose of adventure when she stumbles upon one friend’s mangled body immediately after her best friend vanishes.
Felicity is introduced into the dark world of vampires when the leader of Bristow’s team and her new crush, Blake, offers to help Felicity find her missing best friend, leading her down a road that could leave her either dead or with the ultimate makeover, one that cannot be undone without a stake to the heart.
Iron Thirst is a 90,000 word urban fantasy told through the eyes of both Felicity and Bristow, inviting the reader into the dark world of the vampire while Felicity slowly discovers that things are not as they seem.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Absorption (second revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Agent X:
At first Brett Johnson is convinced that the hive mind is a malignant entity intent on devouring humanity. Enraptured by the strange beauty he discovers, he must determine if war is unnecessary, or if he’s been tricked and seduced himself.
Major Johnson is sent to deliver an ultimatum. The planet Oceania must abandon the nanotechnology that links individual brains into a supermind or prepare for war. To demonstrate that the Federalist Worlds are not merely driven by fear and ignorance, he reluctantly agrees to learn to use the technology himself, without completely joining the overmind.
During negotiations he rashly seduces a beautiful woman, hoping to distract her from the hive mind he believes may destroy her. With her help he learns more about Oceania than his superiors could have imagined – but begins to question what he’s been told. Is the hive mind truly an entity seeking to absorb humanity – or a collaborative tool enabling people to perform superhuman feats of intellect?
He can only find out by becoming part of the supermind. If he was right all along and no individual can ever leave, he will never know what he’s lost – and those who hear his report may not understand until it’s too late. If his doubts are correct, it may well be too late to convince his superiors, and the home world of the woman he comes to love may be wracked by a devastating and unnecessary war.
Absorption is an 80,000 word science fiction novel. I received my Masters of Library Science from the State University of New York at Albany.
Grateful Regards,
David Weisman
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Agent X:
At first Brett Johnson is convinced that the hive mind is a malignant entity intent on devouring humanity. Enraptured by the strange beauty he discovers, he must determine if war is unnecessary, or if he’s been tricked and seduced himself.
Major Johnson is sent to deliver an ultimatum. The planet Oceania must abandon the nanotechnology that links individual brains into a supermind or prepare for war. To demonstrate that the Federalist Worlds are not merely driven by fear and ignorance, he reluctantly agrees to learn to use the technology himself, without completely joining the overmind.
During negotiations he rashly seduces a beautiful woman, hoping to distract her from the hive mind he believes may destroy her. With her help he learns more about Oceania than his superiors could have imagined – but begins to question what he’s been told. Is the hive mind truly an entity seeking to absorb humanity – or a collaborative tool enabling people to perform superhuman feats of intellect?
He can only find out by becoming part of the supermind. If he was right all along and no individual can ever leave, he will never know what he’s lost – and those who hear his report may not understand until it’s too late. If his doubts are correct, it may well be too late to convince his superiors, and the home world of the woman he comes to love may be wracked by a devastating and unnecessary war.
Absorption is an 80,000 word science fiction novel. I received my Masters of Library Science from the State University of New York at Albany.
Grateful Regards,
David Weisman
Mar 5, 2010
Query - The Ice King (Revision #2)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Agent,
Joshua, a child-king, sits in the comfort of his room by a fire consumed with thoughts about the peculiar weather. He looks out his window, checking on the village below, and sees something small flying towards him: a fairy. The Oracles have sent Princess Madasine to Mount Moore to bring him to them.
The Ice King’s daughter has been taken from her tower-room by a fire dragon. The Ice King has frozen all of the realms, hoping that the cold will reach the Realm of Fire where she is being held captive. If the princess is not rescued soon, she will surely die.
The Oracles send Joshua on a quest to the Ice King, hoping he can rescue the princess and set things right in the other realms before it is too late. The power inside of him has awakened and Princess Madasine is given the task of teaching him how to contain and use it, or end his life.
During his quest, Joshua discovers his true identity and is forced to face his destiny. A destiny only he is capable of changing.
THE ICE KING is a 75,000 word, completed young adult novel. This novel is a magical adventure full of mystical creatures, powerful immortals, and a world of endless possibilities.
Thank you for taking the time to read my Query. I hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
Angela Brown
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Agent,
Joshua, a child-king, sits in the comfort of his room by a fire consumed with thoughts about the peculiar weather. He looks out his window, checking on the village below, and sees something small flying towards him: a fairy. The Oracles have sent Princess Madasine to Mount Moore to bring him to them.
The Ice King’s daughter has been taken from her tower-room by a fire dragon. The Ice King has frozen all of the realms, hoping that the cold will reach the Realm of Fire where she is being held captive. If the princess is not rescued soon, she will surely die.
The Oracles send Joshua on a quest to the Ice King, hoping he can rescue the princess and set things right in the other realms before it is too late. The power inside of him has awakened and Princess Madasine is given the task of teaching him how to contain and use it, or end his life.
During his quest, Joshua discovers his true identity and is forced to face his destiny. A destiny only he is capable of changing.
THE ICE KING is a 75,000 word, completed young adult novel. This novel is a magical adventure full of mystical creatures, powerful immortals, and a world of endless possibilities.
Thank you for taking the time to read my Query. I hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
Angela Brown
Revised Query - The Ice King
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent,
A Chosen One falls from the heavens every thousand years, destined to bring back peace to all races: mortal and immortal. The last two became evil and twisted; will Joshua follow them or will he change his destiny?
Azalla, a powerful shapeshifter, has guarded and protected Joshua, patiently waiting for him to be called upon. Everyday that passes, he becomes more than a quest to her. She loves and fears him, torn between her quest and his destiny.
The Ice King’s daughter, Arriell, has been taken from her tower-room by a fire dragon. The Ice King freezes all of the realms, in hopes that the cold will reach the Realm of Fire where she is now being held captive. If she is not rescued soon, she will surely die.
The Oracles summon Princess Madasine, a fairy princess, and command her to bring Joshua to them. The power inside of him has awakened early and Princess Madasine has been given the task of teaching him how to contain and use it. The Oracles send him on a quest to the Ice King, in hopes that he can rescue Princess Arriell and set things right in the other realms before it is too late.
THE ICE KING is a Middle Grade-Young Adult 75,000 word, completed novel. This novel is a magical adventure full of mystical creatures, powerful immortals, and a world full of endless possibilities.
Thank you for taking the time to read my Query. I hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
Dear Agent,
A Chosen One falls from the heavens every thousand years, destined to bring back peace to all races: mortal and immortal. The last two became evil and twisted; will Joshua follow them or will he change his destiny?
Azalla, a powerful shapeshifter, has guarded and protected Joshua, patiently waiting for him to be called upon. Everyday that passes, he becomes more than a quest to her. She loves and fears him, torn between her quest and his destiny.
The Ice King’s daughter, Arriell, has been taken from her tower-room by a fire dragon. The Ice King freezes all of the realms, in hopes that the cold will reach the Realm of Fire where she is now being held captive. If she is not rescued soon, she will surely die.
The Oracles summon Princess Madasine, a fairy princess, and command her to bring Joshua to them. The power inside of him has awakened early and Princess Madasine has been given the task of teaching him how to contain and use it. The Oracles send him on a quest to the Ice King, in hopes that he can rescue Princess Arriell and set things right in the other realms before it is too late.
THE ICE KING is a Middle Grade-Young Adult 75,000 word, completed novel. This novel is a magical adventure full of mystical creatures, powerful immortals, and a world full of endless possibilities.
Thank you for taking the time to read my Query. I hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
Mar 4, 2010
Query - The Ice King
Dear Agent,
I am writing to you because I just finished my first novel and I am hoping you will represent me.
My manuscript, The Ice King, is the first novel in a young adult series entitled The Chosen that I am in the process of writing. The Ice King, will take the reader on a magical adventure alongside characters such as: a child-king, a fairy princess, and a powerful shapeshifter. My novel is 75,000 words in its completed form and is similar to the writings of Cornelia Funke.
Joshua never expected that his world would be turned upside down by the arrival of an uninvited guest lingering outside his bedchamber window. A small fairy princess, boiling over with pride, demands entrance into his chambers. She tells him he must leave immediately with her and he has no choice. She has an unexpected surprise when a powerful immortal walks in. A shapeshifter, disguised as his nanny, has been protecting him and waiting for him to come of age so she can reveal who he truly is and what he is destined to become. Something has gone terribly wrong in the Ice Kingdom, causing the Ice King to freeze all the realms. A journey to meet the Oracles, sends Joshua on a quest to realms he never knew existed, and begins a destiny he will find hard to accept.
Thank you again for taking the time to read this. I hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
Angela Brown
I am writing to you because I just finished my first novel and I am hoping you will represent me.
My manuscript, The Ice King, is the first novel in a young adult series entitled The Chosen that I am in the process of writing. The Ice King, will take the reader on a magical adventure alongside characters such as: a child-king, a fairy princess, and a powerful shapeshifter. My novel is 75,000 words in its completed form and is similar to the writings of Cornelia Funke.
Joshua never expected that his world would be turned upside down by the arrival of an uninvited guest lingering outside his bedchamber window. A small fairy princess, boiling over with pride, demands entrance into his chambers. She tells him he must leave immediately with her and he has no choice. She has an unexpected surprise when a powerful immortal walks in. A shapeshifter, disguised as his nanny, has been protecting him and waiting for him to come of age so she can reveal who he truly is and what he is destined to become. Something has gone terribly wrong in the Ice Kingdom, causing the Ice King to freeze all the realms. A journey to meet the Oracles, sends Joshua on a quest to realms he never knew existed, and begins a destiny he will find hard to accept.
Thank you again for taking the time to read this. I hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
Angela Brown
Mar 1, 2010
Query- Mayhem, Inc. (Revised)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent,
Archer Quinn eats only food he can count, organizes his clothes by color, and polishes every bullet before loading his gun. Quinn, a former Special Forces operative, has carved out a simple life of order with his courier company, a job that permits him to be virtually invisible as he avoids stepping on cracks and taps the side of his truck three times after every delivery. But, after he foils a seemingly random hit on his life, Quinn is thrust headlong into a corporate conspiracy with the sole endgame of toppling the globe into anarchy.
On the run from strange men in gray suits and fighting for his life, Quinn soon realizes the world is going to end in two weeks, and that he is the only one able to see the method to the madness. As society teeters on the edge, Quinn has to make a decision. Stop the corporation’s plan? Or help it along? They are, after all, the order behind the chaos.
Mayhem, Inc. is a 78,000-word thriller.
Dear Agent,
Archer Quinn eats only food he can count, organizes his clothes by color, and polishes every bullet before loading his gun. Quinn, a former Special Forces operative, has carved out a simple life of order with his courier company, a job that permits him to be virtually invisible as he avoids stepping on cracks and taps the side of his truck three times after every delivery. But, after he foils a seemingly random hit on his life, Quinn is thrust headlong into a corporate conspiracy with the sole endgame of toppling the globe into anarchy.
On the run from strange men in gray suits and fighting for his life, Quinn soon realizes the world is going to end in two weeks, and that he is the only one able to see the method to the madness. As society teeters on the edge, Quinn has to make a decision. Stop the corporation’s plan? Or help it along? They are, after all, the order behind the chaos.
Mayhem, Inc. is a 78,000-word thriller.
Feb 28, 2010
Revised Query - Absorption
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent X:
Does the hive mind on the planet Oceania threaten to devour humanity – or can Major Brett Johnson find a way to avert a bloody invasion of the home world of the woman he loves?
As a young medic, Brett Johnson saw atrocities perpetrated by the hive mind Alexander. Now the Space Force sends him to the planet Oceania where the nanotechnology Alexander was based upon was developed. Many thousands of brains are linked together by nanotechnology into the oldest and largest hive mind in existence, and the planet has derived many economic and medical benefits from it.
Major Brett Johnson’s job is to convince the Oceanians that those who voluntarily became part of the hive mind don’t fully understand the peril to their humanity, and that they must allow the nanotechnology and everything based on it to be destroyed rather than forcing the Federalist Worlds to fight a war against them. He is also to learn as much as possible about Oceanian technology to win a war if one is inevitable.
At first Brett believes in his mission. Then he rashly seduces a beautiful woman, knowing this may interfere with his task, yet wanting to distract her from giving her soul to the hive mind. With her help he learns more about Oceania than his superiors could have hoped – but begins to question what he’s been told. Is the hive mind truly a malignant entity seeking to trick humans into building the tools it needs to absorb them – or a collaborative tool enabling people to perform superhuman feats of intellect?
He can only find out by becoming part of the supermind. If he was right all along and no individual can ever leave, he will never know what he’s lost – and those who hear his report may not understand until it’s too late. If his doubts are correct, it may well be too late to convince his superiors, and the home world of the woman he loves may be wracked by a devastating and unnecessary war.
Absorption is an 80,000 word science fiction novel. I received my Masters of Library Science from the State University of New York at Albany.
Grateful Regards,
David Weisman
Dear Agent X:
Does the hive mind on the planet Oceania threaten to devour humanity – or can Major Brett Johnson find a way to avert a bloody invasion of the home world of the woman he loves?
As a young medic, Brett Johnson saw atrocities perpetrated by the hive mind Alexander. Now the Space Force sends him to the planet Oceania where the nanotechnology Alexander was based upon was developed. Many thousands of brains are linked together by nanotechnology into the oldest and largest hive mind in existence, and the planet has derived many economic and medical benefits from it.
Major Brett Johnson’s job is to convince the Oceanians that those who voluntarily became part of the hive mind don’t fully understand the peril to their humanity, and that they must allow the nanotechnology and everything based on it to be destroyed rather than forcing the Federalist Worlds to fight a war against them. He is also to learn as much as possible about Oceanian technology to win a war if one is inevitable.
At first Brett believes in his mission. Then he rashly seduces a beautiful woman, knowing this may interfere with his task, yet wanting to distract her from giving her soul to the hive mind. With her help he learns more about Oceania than his superiors could have hoped – but begins to question what he’s been told. Is the hive mind truly a malignant entity seeking to trick humans into building the tools it needs to absorb them – or a collaborative tool enabling people to perform superhuman feats of intellect?
He can only find out by becoming part of the supermind. If he was right all along and no individual can ever leave, he will never know what he’s lost – and those who hear his report may not understand until it’s too late. If his doubts are correct, it may well be too late to convince his superiors, and the home world of the woman he loves may be wracked by a devastating and unnecessary war.
Absorption is an 80,000 word science fiction novel. I received my Masters of Library Science from the State University of New York at Albany.
Grateful Regards,
David Weisman
Feb 22, 2010
QUERY- The Brigid
This is too long and not focused enough, but I can't see how to fix it.
In this 80,000 word urban fantasy, The Brigid, one man's lack of faith in his unseen heritage may be the weakness that destroys the entire world, starting with those closest to him.
They are brothers. Twins. They live in the white world, but a piece of them belongs to their mother's people, the Nez Perce. Caleb accepts that piece of himself, but Mika's doubts haunt him. In spite of what his brother thinks, it's intuition that sometimes guides Mika, not the spirit guide he courted in his adolescence.
Into their lives comes Brigid, a beautiful woman with no memory and enemies—and friends—who stretch the brothers' credulity. Creatures like the beautiful but terrifying Tuatha de dannan and the wee man who smokes a dragonbone pipe and who just might be a leprechaun. These creatures aren't even from their heritage, but the twins' spirit guides won't let turn their backs no matter how unbelievable all this is. They can't, because the magic that has been locked away in various pocket worlds for nearly two millennium is flooding back into the world through dangerously wide-open portals created by those who want to reclaim this world, but whose recklessness threatens to destroy everything in an explosive chain reaction. And behind it all, the dragons of Brigid's world laugh at how easy humankind is to manipulate.
In order to save not just the world of the mysterious stranger, who both brothers are starting to fall in love with, but their own world as well, Mika must learn to believe and Caleb must learn to see his own worth outside of his brother's shadow.
Thanks to anyone who has any ideas.
In this 80,000 word urban fantasy, The Brigid, one man's lack of faith in his unseen heritage may be the weakness that destroys the entire world, starting with those closest to him.
They are brothers. Twins. They live in the white world, but a piece of them belongs to their mother's people, the Nez Perce. Caleb accepts that piece of himself, but Mika's doubts haunt him. In spite of what his brother thinks, it's intuition that sometimes guides Mika, not the spirit guide he courted in his adolescence.
Into their lives comes Brigid, a beautiful woman with no memory and enemies—and friends—who stretch the brothers' credulity. Creatures like the beautiful but terrifying Tuatha de dannan and the wee man who smokes a dragonbone pipe and who just might be a leprechaun. These creatures aren't even from their heritage, but the twins' spirit guides won't let turn their backs no matter how unbelievable all this is. They can't, because the magic that has been locked away in various pocket worlds for nearly two millennium is flooding back into the world through dangerously wide-open portals created by those who want to reclaim this world, but whose recklessness threatens to destroy everything in an explosive chain reaction. And behind it all, the dragons of Brigid's world laugh at how easy humankind is to manipulate.
In order to save not just the world of the mysterious stranger, who both brothers are starting to fall in love with, but their own world as well, Mika must learn to believe and Caleb must learn to see his own worth outside of his brother's shadow.
Thanks to anyone who has any ideas.
Feb 21, 2010
Query - Avid Heights (Revision 1)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear (Agent):
Just like every other girl in the city of Avid Heights, Sailor Tulley has a crush on the local superhero, Corey Cantrell. It’s too bad she’s the sidekick of his nemesis, the city villain.
When Sailor ditches her sidekick disguise to get closer to Corey, she’s surprised to see that he returns her feelings. But when her boss mysteriously discovers her relationship with his rival the same day that Corey begins giving her the cold shoulder, she realizes it’s no coincidence. The connection between hero and villain runs deeper than she expected, and Corey may not be the hero that he says he is.
She must now decide which is more important: salvaging a relationship with her ideal man, or holding onto her irreplaceable career. Both hero and villain are lying about their identity, and the only way for Sailor to make a decision is to uncover who they really are.
AVID HEIGHTS is a work of commercial fiction complete at 60,000 words. This book can stand alone, but I also have a sequel planned.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
** Notes from the author:
1) Thank you so much to those who helped me shorten this query, and to Rick for making this possible. I welcome as many more critiques as it takes.
2) I'm trying this from a "commercial fiction" angle instead of chick lit. Does this work?
Dear (Agent):
Just like every other girl in the city of Avid Heights, Sailor Tulley has a crush on the local superhero, Corey Cantrell. It’s too bad she’s the sidekick of his nemesis, the city villain.
When Sailor ditches her sidekick disguise to get closer to Corey, she’s surprised to see that he returns her feelings. But when her boss mysteriously discovers her relationship with his rival the same day that Corey begins giving her the cold shoulder, she realizes it’s no coincidence. The connection between hero and villain runs deeper than she expected, and Corey may not be the hero that he says he is.
She must now decide which is more important: salvaging a relationship with her ideal man, or holding onto her irreplaceable career. Both hero and villain are lying about their identity, and the only way for Sailor to make a decision is to uncover who they really are.
AVID HEIGHTS is a work of commercial fiction complete at 60,000 words. This book can stand alone, but I also have a sequel planned.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
** Notes from the author:
1) Thank you so much to those who helped me shorten this query, and to Rick for making this possible. I welcome as many more critiques as it takes.
2) I'm trying this from a "commercial fiction" angle instead of chick lit. Does this work?
Feb 20, 2010
Query - Shards of Glass
SHARDS OF GLASS is women's fiction, complete at 83,000 words.
April Mitchell was seventeen years old when she helped her terminally ill father commit suicide. Six years later, she's living the perfect life, as a medical school student with a handsome boyfriend, but can't quite put the past behind her.
As her father requested, she lied to her mother, saying that he died alone. After her mother’s emotional breakdown, April realized no one was ever going to love her if she told them the truth. She’s been lying ever since – borrowing other people’s stories for her own, pretending that her father is still alive, even changing what she ate for lunch that day. It seems like the only way to remake her world – and herself – into what it should be.
The truth starts to come out when April runs into ex-lover Nick, who tells April’s true story to his jealous girlfriend. She exposes April's secret, endangering April's seat at medical school and the family's life insurance money. April must finally talk to her mother about the night her father died, as her lies are all uncovered. But telling the truth about her father’s suicide and her chronic lying since might cost her dream of being a doctor, her boyfriend, and any possibility of ever reconciling with her mom.
I have been previously published in Cicada and Windhover. I also run the writing blog This Is Not My Day Job (http://thisisnotmydayjob.blogspot.com).
I look forward to your response.
Sincerely,
Guinevere
April Mitchell was seventeen years old when she helped her terminally ill father commit suicide. Six years later, she's living the perfect life, as a medical school student with a handsome boyfriend, but can't quite put the past behind her.
As her father requested, she lied to her mother, saying that he died alone. After her mother’s emotional breakdown, April realized no one was ever going to love her if she told them the truth. She’s been lying ever since – borrowing other people’s stories for her own, pretending that her father is still alive, even changing what she ate for lunch that day. It seems like the only way to remake her world – and herself – into what it should be.
The truth starts to come out when April runs into ex-lover Nick, who tells April’s true story to his jealous girlfriend. She exposes April's secret, endangering April's seat at medical school and the family's life insurance money. April must finally talk to her mother about the night her father died, as her lies are all uncovered. But telling the truth about her father’s suicide and her chronic lying since might cost her dream of being a doctor, her boyfriend, and any possibility of ever reconciling with her mom.
I have been previously published in Cicada and Windhover. I also run the writing blog This Is Not My Day Job (http://thisisnotmydayjob.blogspot.com).
I look forward to your response.
Sincerely,
Guinevere
Feb 19, 2010
Query - Avid Heights
Dear (Agent):
There’s no doubt in Sailor Tulley’s mind that her crush on Corey Cantrell is unrequited. He’s brawny and tan with flawless physical features, and she’s vertically challenged and overweight. Not to mention he’s the superhero of the city of Avid Heights, and she’s the sidekick of his nemesis.
Corey treats her like dirt because of her job position, but Sailor is convinced that if he knew her as a person and not an enemy, he would return her feelings. She ditches her sidekick disguise and approaches him in plain clothes, and he’s fooled into believing she’s a different person. Despite their contrasting physiques, he appears to be falling for her.
At first, Sailor manages to keep the taboo romance under wraps while simultaneously concealing her professional identity around Corey. But when her boss mysteriously discovers her relationship with his rival the same day that Corey begins giving her the cold shoulder, Sailor realizes it’s no coincidence. The connection between hero and villain runs deeper than she expected.
She must now decide whose side she is really on: her handsome lover who is now suddenly uninterested, or his nemesis, her concerned employer to whom she failed to remain loyal. Both men have been hiding behind lies, but the only way for Sailor to see them for who they really are is to start being honest with herself.
AVID HEIGHTS is a 60,000-word chick lit novel set in a futuristic city. This book can stand alone, but I also have a sequel planned.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
**Notes from the author:
1) I'm aware that this is super long, but I can't figure out how to trim it. Any advice would be great!
2) Novel word count is on the shorter side, but I'm hoping to get it up to 70k with more editing.
There’s no doubt in Sailor Tulley’s mind that her crush on Corey Cantrell is unrequited. He’s brawny and tan with flawless physical features, and she’s vertically challenged and overweight. Not to mention he’s the superhero of the city of Avid Heights, and she’s the sidekick of his nemesis.
Corey treats her like dirt because of her job position, but Sailor is convinced that if he knew her as a person and not an enemy, he would return her feelings. She ditches her sidekick disguise and approaches him in plain clothes, and he’s fooled into believing she’s a different person. Despite their contrasting physiques, he appears to be falling for her.
At first, Sailor manages to keep the taboo romance under wraps while simultaneously concealing her professional identity around Corey. But when her boss mysteriously discovers her relationship with his rival the same day that Corey begins giving her the cold shoulder, Sailor realizes it’s no coincidence. The connection between hero and villain runs deeper than she expected.
She must now decide whose side she is really on: her handsome lover who is now suddenly uninterested, or his nemesis, her concerned employer to whom she failed to remain loyal. Both men have been hiding behind lies, but the only way for Sailor to see them for who they really are is to start being honest with herself.
AVID HEIGHTS is a 60,000-word chick lit novel set in a futuristic city. This book can stand alone, but I also have a sequel planned.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
**Notes from the author:
1) I'm aware that this is super long, but I can't figure out how to trim it. Any advice would be great!
2) Novel word count is on the shorter side, but I'm hoping to get it up to 70k with more editing.
Feb 17, 2010
Query- 7 Days (Revision 3)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the second revision.
All pastors claim to believe in God; some even believe in demons – too bad Nathan Hanlin isn’t one of them.
Tired of preaching about a God who supposedly loves mankind, Nathan figures life would be easier if he took destiny into his own hands. And it is, easier that is, until a demon shows up. But it’s not just one demon that Nathan encounters, nor is he the only one having this problem. It turns out that when Nathan turned his back on God, he created a crack in the spiritual shield protecting his town, a shield that has stood in place for over 100 years.
All Nathan wants is for life to get back to normal. He’d like his nightmares to end, his friends to accept he’s never going to preach again and for his older sister to stop insisting God is trying to get his attention. Enough already. Actually, what Nathan really wants is to step back in time, to a place where he was happy, fulfilled and there were no demons to deal with. When Nathan finally gets the courage to go through his dead wife’s things, he finds out the life he thought he had never really existed.
Nathan must now choose to stop blaming God and accept his life or completely forsake everyone and let whatever comes have its way, demons and all.
7 DAYS TO REDEMPTION completed at 77,000 words is a supernatural suspense in which a pastor's faith in God is tested and his trust in his sister is betrayed.
Click here to read the second revision.
All pastors claim to believe in God; some even believe in demons – too bad Nathan Hanlin isn’t one of them.
Tired of preaching about a God who supposedly loves mankind, Nathan figures life would be easier if he took destiny into his own hands. And it is, easier that is, until a demon shows up. But it’s not just one demon that Nathan encounters, nor is he the only one having this problem. It turns out that when Nathan turned his back on God, he created a crack in the spiritual shield protecting his town, a shield that has stood in place for over 100 years.
All Nathan wants is for life to get back to normal. He’d like his nightmares to end, his friends to accept he’s never going to preach again and for his older sister to stop insisting God is trying to get his attention. Enough already. Actually, what Nathan really wants is to step back in time, to a place where he was happy, fulfilled and there were no demons to deal with. When Nathan finally gets the courage to go through his dead wife’s things, he finds out the life he thought he had never really existed.
Nathan must now choose to stop blaming God and accept his life or completely forsake everyone and let whatever comes have its way, demons and all.
7 DAYS TO REDEMPTION completed at 77,000 words is a supernatural suspense in which a pastor's faith in God is tested and his trust in his sister is betrayed.
Query: Shifting Sand (Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent:
Sadie Sloan is discovering that it's hell on a marriage to love another man.
Sadie, a thirty-six-year-old art teacher on the brink of divorce is in self-imposed exile on Tybee, a barrier island off the coast of Georgia that is heavy on small town southern charm and social deviants. One night after yet another bartender cuts her off, Sadie runs into Kyle, the man who left her shattered eighteen years ago. Seeing him releases a torrent of suppressed memories of that summer after high school when she fell in love with Kyle, her boyfriend's best friend and her best friend's boyfriend. The shocking suicide of Sadie's best friend drove them apart and Sadie never quite recovered. Now it seems like they have another chance to discover the happiness that was denied them so many years ago.
Sadie is too busy trying to pretend to be a teenager again to listen to friends and family who are all warning her to stay away from Kyle. Sadie's husband is too busy trying to soothe his bruised ego to tell Sadie that he loves her and desperately wants her to come back home.
Before Sadie throws her life away for Kyle, she must learn for herself that the past only exists in her memories and that as much as she may want to, she can't go back again.
Shifting Sand, a work of women's fiction, is complete at 89,000 words. Please contact me if you are interested in seeing my novel. Thank you for your consideration.
Dear Agent:
Sadie Sloan is discovering that it's hell on a marriage to love another man.
Sadie, a thirty-six-year-old art teacher on the brink of divorce is in self-imposed exile on Tybee, a barrier island off the coast of Georgia that is heavy on small town southern charm and social deviants. One night after yet another bartender cuts her off, Sadie runs into Kyle, the man who left her shattered eighteen years ago. Seeing him releases a torrent of suppressed memories of that summer after high school when she fell in love with Kyle, her boyfriend's best friend and her best friend's boyfriend. The shocking suicide of Sadie's best friend drove them apart and Sadie never quite recovered. Now it seems like they have another chance to discover the happiness that was denied them so many years ago.
Sadie is too busy trying to pretend to be a teenager again to listen to friends and family who are all warning her to stay away from Kyle. Sadie's husband is too busy trying to soothe his bruised ego to tell Sadie that he loves her and desperately wants her to come back home.
Before Sadie throws her life away for Kyle, she must learn for herself that the past only exists in her memories and that as much as she may want to, she can't go back again.
Shifting Sand, a work of women's fiction, is complete at 89,000 words. Please contact me if you are interested in seeing my novel. Thank you for your consideration.
Query: Mayhem, Inc.
Dear Agent
The end of the world is coming in two weeks. Or so Thaddeus Sinclair would have you believe. He is a member of a covert group of anarchists called Mayhem, Inc. Sinclair has carefully devised a plot to convince the world an asteroid will collide with the earth. He has bribed, manipulated, and murdered people to get all the pieces into their exact positions. After years of meticulous planning, the endgame is set. Society will soon collapse into a quagmire of mayhem and destruction.
There is only one problem with his plan: Archer Quinn.
Quinn, a courier, only eats food he can count, organizes his clothes by color, and polishes every bullet before loading his gun. Mayhem, Inc. hires his courier service to deliver a package that includes the orders: “Kill the messenger”. But they didn’t plan on Quinn’s former Special Forces training. He escapes with their encrypted data and scarce clues on why someone wants him dead. His hunt for the truth leads him to junior reporter, Tamara Bruce. She is investigating a mysterious tip about a cover up of an asteroid strike and is at dead end until Quinn shows up.
Harrowed by strange men in gray suits, and Sinclair’s minions who want the data back, Quinn and Tamara untangle more of the plot and realize someone is manipulating everything—including them. With startling clarity, Archer Quinn realizes the chaos surrounding him is not random chance, but a set of orchestrated events. Quinn’s obsessive compulsive mind rails against the idea of organized chaos, and summarily shuts down.
As society teeters on the edge of bedlam, Tamara helps calm the order/chaos storm raging in Quinn’s head, but a new conundrum takes its place: should he continue his efforts to stop Sinclair and Mayhem, Inc.—or should he be helping them? They are after all, the order behind the chaos.
The end of the world is coming in two weeks. Or so Thaddeus Sinclair would have you believe. He is a member of a covert group of anarchists called Mayhem, Inc. Sinclair has carefully devised a plot to convince the world an asteroid will collide with the earth. He has bribed, manipulated, and murdered people to get all the pieces into their exact positions. After years of meticulous planning, the endgame is set. Society will soon collapse into a quagmire of mayhem and destruction.
There is only one problem with his plan: Archer Quinn.
Quinn, a courier, only eats food he can count, organizes his clothes by color, and polishes every bullet before loading his gun. Mayhem, Inc. hires his courier service to deliver a package that includes the orders: “Kill the messenger”. But they didn’t plan on Quinn’s former Special Forces training. He escapes with their encrypted data and scarce clues on why someone wants him dead. His hunt for the truth leads him to junior reporter, Tamara Bruce. She is investigating a mysterious tip about a cover up of an asteroid strike and is at dead end until Quinn shows up.
Harrowed by strange men in gray suits, and Sinclair’s minions who want the data back, Quinn and Tamara untangle more of the plot and realize someone is manipulating everything—including them. With startling clarity, Archer Quinn realizes the chaos surrounding him is not random chance, but a set of orchestrated events. Quinn’s obsessive compulsive mind rails against the idea of organized chaos, and summarily shuts down.
As society teeters on the edge of bedlam, Tamara helps calm the order/chaos storm raging in Quinn’s head, but a new conundrum takes its place: should he continue his efforts to stop Sinclair and Mayhem, Inc.—or should he be helping them? They are after all, the order behind the chaos.
Feb 15, 2010
The Five Stages of Querying
One of the Slushpile's followers / lurkers / commentors posted a nice article about The Five Stages of Querying.
She also gives some advice regarding the hardest part of querying: waiting for a response!
She also gives some advice regarding the hardest part of querying: waiting for a response!
The Nameless - Query (Revision #2)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent:
Eighteen year old Erica Ann Dawson fell asleep in her bed in Batesfield, Connecticut and awoke to find herself driving down a four lane highway.
Plagued by inexplicable blackouts, she begins losing hours, even days, with no memory of what transpired in the intervening time.
As the blackouts grow worse, she starts to doubt her own sanity, until she learns the truth.
Erica is slowly being replaced, being usurped from her own life by a creature known only as a Changeling. The Changeling has bewitched Erica’s name and is using it to steal away her memories, her life, her very soul.
To save herself from being completely consumed, Erica is forced to make a terrible sacrifice; she gives up her name, and with it, relinquishes all rights to her own identity.
Now, nameless, and forgotten by her friends and family alike, the girl is plunged into a world of magic where a Sharpie and a book of matches could mean the difference between life and death. She must learn to harness the power of names and sigils to fight back against the Changelings and the dark force invading Batesfield.
Will she be strong enough to overcome the mysterious master of the Changelings and reclaim what she has lost, or will she remain nameless forever?
The Nameless is a YA fantasy novel complete at 60,000 words. The manuscript is available upon request.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Emily XXXX
Address
Telephone
Email
Dear Agent:
Eighteen year old Erica Ann Dawson fell asleep in her bed in Batesfield, Connecticut and awoke to find herself driving down a four lane highway.
Plagued by inexplicable blackouts, she begins losing hours, even days, with no memory of what transpired in the intervening time.
As the blackouts grow worse, she starts to doubt her own sanity, until she learns the truth.
Erica is slowly being replaced, being usurped from her own life by a creature known only as a Changeling. The Changeling has bewitched Erica’s name and is using it to steal away her memories, her life, her very soul.
To save herself from being completely consumed, Erica is forced to make a terrible sacrifice; she gives up her name, and with it, relinquishes all rights to her own identity.
Now, nameless, and forgotten by her friends and family alike, the girl is plunged into a world of magic where a Sharpie and a book of matches could mean the difference between life and death. She must learn to harness the power of names and sigils to fight back against the Changelings and the dark force invading Batesfield.
Will she be strong enough to overcome the mysterious master of the Changelings and reclaim what she has lost, or will she remain nameless forever?
The Nameless is a YA fantasy novel complete at 60,000 words. The manuscript is available upon request.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Emily XXXX
Address
Telephone
Beth Query (revised)
Click here to read the original query.
--note: this is not the actual title and it is only the *hook* of the query.
Seventeen-year-old rocker Beth Collins plays a killer lead guitar, but that's not what's nabbed her a scholarship to the exclusive Hamilton Academy.
It's Beth's other killer talent—the one for causing death.
Beth is a Deathmage and Hamilton is no ordinary school. It’s an enclave for the differently Talented—in other words, freaks like Beth.
At Hamilton, Beth finds love, friendship and the support she needs to rein in her
frightening abilities. But behind the school's kindly façade lurks a secret threat—a plan is brewing to exploit her Talents for a hellish evil. Now Beth must master her deadly skills on her own terms, or succumb to those who would destroy her and all that she loves.
--note: this is not the actual title and it is only the *hook* of the query.
Seventeen-year-old rocker Beth Collins plays a killer lead guitar, but that's not what's nabbed her a scholarship to the exclusive Hamilton Academy.
It's Beth's other killer talent—the one for causing death.
Beth is a Deathmage and Hamilton is no ordinary school. It’s an enclave for the differently Talented—in other words, freaks like Beth.
At Hamilton, Beth finds love, friendship and the support she needs to rein in her
frightening abilities. But behind the school's kindly façade lurks a secret threat—a plan is brewing to exploit her Talents for a hellish evil. Now Beth must master her deadly skills on her own terms, or succumb to those who would destroy her and all that she loves.
Feb 14, 2010
The Nameless Query (Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent:
Eighteen year old Erica Ann Dawson was living a quiet, albeit boring life in the sleepy town of Batesfield Connecticut.
But after a bizarre recurring dream, Erica’s peaceful life begins to unravel at the seams. She begins blacking out, awakening hours, even days later with no memory of what had transpired in the intervening time. As the blackouts grow worse, she begins to doubt her own sanity, until she learns the truth.
Erica is slowly being replaced, being usurped from her own life by a creature known only as a Changeling. The Changeling has bewitched her name and is using it to steal away Erica’s memories, her very soul.
To save herself from being completely consumed, Erica is forced to make a terrible sacrifice. She gives up her name, and with it, relinquishes all rights to her own identity.
Now, nameless, and forgotten by her friends and family alike, the girl must learn to harness a strange new ability to fight back against the Changelings and the dark force invading Batesfield. Will she be strong enough to overcome the mysterious master of the Changelings and reclaim what she has lost, or will she remain nameless forever?
The Nameless is a YA fantasy novel complete at 60,000 words. The manuscript is available upon request.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Emily XXXX
Address
Telephone
Email
Dear Agent:
Eighteen year old Erica Ann Dawson was living a quiet, albeit boring life in the sleepy town of Batesfield Connecticut.
But after a bizarre recurring dream, Erica’s peaceful life begins to unravel at the seams. She begins blacking out, awakening hours, even days later with no memory of what had transpired in the intervening time. As the blackouts grow worse, she begins to doubt her own sanity, until she learns the truth.
Erica is slowly being replaced, being usurped from her own life by a creature known only as a Changeling. The Changeling has bewitched her name and is using it to steal away Erica’s memories, her very soul.
To save herself from being completely consumed, Erica is forced to make a terrible sacrifice. She gives up her name, and with it, relinquishes all rights to her own identity.
Now, nameless, and forgotten by her friends and family alike, the girl must learn to harness a strange new ability to fight back against the Changelings and the dark force invading Batesfield. Will she be strong enough to overcome the mysterious master of the Changelings and reclaim what she has lost, or will she remain nameless forever?
The Nameless is a YA fantasy novel complete at 60,000 words. The manuscript is available upon request.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Emily XXXX
Address
Telephone
Feb 13, 2010
Query- 7 Days to Redemption (version 2)
Click here to read the original query.
Nathan Hanlin, a disillusioned pastor, denies the existence of angels, or demons for that matter, until he comes face to face with a demonic presence in his town. With everyone turning to him for answers, Nathan at first claims ignorance, but that only lasts for so long. Eventually he knows he has to figure out why demons are invading his town and why he’s the one responsible. But until he does, fear is running rampant through his congregation.
Confused, he turns to his older sister Rachel for help, only to find an old journal where Rachel has a secret she’s kept concerning his birth. If what he read is true, she’s more than just his sister. Torn, Nathan feels both lost and betrayed. The revelation of his birth combined with the supernatural powers battling it out in his town leaves Nathan with nowhere to turn.
A decision needs to be made. If he gives in to his hurt and turns away from God he’s essentially giving up on his town and those he loves. But if he turns to God, that means he has to accept a loss he blames on God, and to him, it means giving in. Or does it?
7 DAYS TO REDEMPTION completed at 77,000 words is a supernatural suspense in which a pastor's faith in God is tested and his trust in his sister is betrayed. For those who loved the earlier novels of Ted Dekker, I have a feeling they would enjoy my novel since it has the same feel.
I won the 2005 Word Alive Publishing contest with my novel Once Upon A Dream, and I hold a degree in theology as well I am a member of the Word Guild and the ACFW. If you would like to consider 7 DAYS TO REDEMPTION, I’d be more than happy to forward the complete manuscript to you.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Nathan Hanlin, a disillusioned pastor, denies the existence of angels, or demons for that matter, until he comes face to face with a demonic presence in his town. With everyone turning to him for answers, Nathan at first claims ignorance, but that only lasts for so long. Eventually he knows he has to figure out why demons are invading his town and why he’s the one responsible. But until he does, fear is running rampant through his congregation.
Confused, he turns to his older sister Rachel for help, only to find an old journal where Rachel has a secret she’s kept concerning his birth. If what he read is true, she’s more than just his sister. Torn, Nathan feels both lost and betrayed. The revelation of his birth combined with the supernatural powers battling it out in his town leaves Nathan with nowhere to turn.
A decision needs to be made. If he gives in to his hurt and turns away from God he’s essentially giving up on his town and those he loves. But if he turns to God, that means he has to accept a loss he blames on God, and to him, it means giving in. Or does it?
7 DAYS TO REDEMPTION completed at 77,000 words is a supernatural suspense in which a pastor's faith in God is tested and his trust in his sister is betrayed. For those who loved the earlier novels of Ted Dekker, I have a feeling they would enjoy my novel since it has the same feel.
I won the 2005 Word Alive Publishing contest with my novel Once Upon A Dream, and I hold a degree in theology as well I am a member of the Word Guild and the ACFW. If you would like to consider 7 DAYS TO REDEMPTION, I’d be more than happy to forward the complete manuscript to you.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Query- Beth (not the actual title)
When the exclusive Hamilton Arts Academy offers 17-year old rocker Beth Collins a scholarship, she leaps at the chance.
But it’s not her killer guitar skills that catches their eye.
Hamilton is a school for Talented—in other words, freaks like Beth who’s Talent is for causing death at will.
At Hamilton, Beth finds new love, camaraderie and training to control her dangerous abilities. But behind the school's supportive facade lurks an unknown evil-someone wants to exploit her Deathmage talents for their own hellish plans. With no one to trust, Beth must face down demonic powers and master her deadly skills, or succumb to those who would destroy her along with everyone she loves.
But it’s not her killer guitar skills that catches their eye.
Hamilton is a school for Talented—in other words, freaks like Beth who’s Talent is for causing death at will.
At Hamilton, Beth finds new love, camaraderie and training to control her dangerous abilities. But behind the school's supportive facade lurks an unknown evil-someone wants to exploit her Deathmage talents for their own hellish plans. With no one to trust, Beth must face down demonic powers and master her deadly skills, or succumb to those who would destroy her along with everyone she loves.
Feb 12, 2010
Query - The Nameless
Dear Agent:
What’s in a name? More than you can imagine.
The days passed in unbroken tedium for Erica Ann Dawson, the eighteen year old girl left behind in the sleepy town of Batesfield Connecticut after the diaspora of her friends and classmates to various colleges and universities across the country.
Afraid to strike out on her own, and warm in the blanket of her own complacency, Erica is content to sit back and watch the world go by.
But after a bizarre recurring dream, Erica’s peaceful life begins to unravel at the seams. She begins blacking out, awakening hours, even days later with no memory of what had transpired in the intervening time. As the blackouts grow worse, she begins to doubt her own sanity, until she learns the truth.
Erica is slowly being replaced, being usurped from her own life by a creature known only as a Changeling. To save herself from being completely consumed by the Changeling and vanishing forever, she is forced to make a terrible sacrifice. Erica gives up her name, and with it, relinquishes all rights to her own identity.
Now, nameless, and forgotten by the world, the girl must learn to harness a strange new ability to fight back against the Changelings and the dark force invading Batesfield. Will she be strong enough to overcome the mysterious master of the Changelings and reclaim what she has lost, or will she remain nameless forever?
The Nameless is a YA fantasy novel complete at 60,000 words. The manuscript is available upon request.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Emily XXXXXXX
ADDRESS
TELEPHONE
EMAIL
What’s in a name? More than you can imagine.
The days passed in unbroken tedium for Erica Ann Dawson, the eighteen year old girl left behind in the sleepy town of Batesfield Connecticut after the diaspora of her friends and classmates to various colleges and universities across the country.
Afraid to strike out on her own, and warm in the blanket of her own complacency, Erica is content to sit back and watch the world go by.
But after a bizarre recurring dream, Erica’s peaceful life begins to unravel at the seams. She begins blacking out, awakening hours, even days later with no memory of what had transpired in the intervening time. As the blackouts grow worse, she begins to doubt her own sanity, until she learns the truth.
Erica is slowly being replaced, being usurped from her own life by a creature known only as a Changeling. To save herself from being completely consumed by the Changeling and vanishing forever, she is forced to make a terrible sacrifice. Erica gives up her name, and with it, relinquishes all rights to her own identity.
Now, nameless, and forgotten by the world, the girl must learn to harness a strange new ability to fight back against the Changelings and the dark force invading Batesfield. Will she be strong enough to overcome the mysterious master of the Changelings and reclaim what she has lost, or will she remain nameless forever?
The Nameless is a YA fantasy novel complete at 60,000 words. The manuscript is available upon request.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Emily XXXXXXX
ADDRESS
TELEPHONE
Feb 11, 2010
Query - Sienna
Dear Agent,
The need to protect her sister from their abusive father weighs heavily on 10-year-old Sienna’s mind. One night out of desperation, Sienna informs her mother that her father has been sexually abusing her. This assertion leads to the murder of her father by her mother. Covering up the murder as an accident, Sienna’s mother says it is Sienna’s fault and orders her to leave and never return. Sienna’s grandmother takes her in.
Now, 15 years later, Sienna’s life appears to be full. There’s only one thing lacking and that is love. And love is one thing that she does not trust.
One day Sienna’s best friend and next door neighbor, Chantal, wins tickets to a rock concert. Sienna is not really interested in going, but Chantal will not take no for an answer.
David Black is a rock star. He is secretly married to a woman he does not love, and he becomes captivated with Sienna when he sees her sitting in the front row at one of his concerts. He invites her back stage to meet him.
Eventually, Sienna and David fall in love. When David asks Sienna to accompany him on the last leg of his concert tour, she agrees. Unfortunately, David fails to mention his married state to Sienna and she finds out.
She quickly heads for home on a Greyhound bus, more convinced than ever that love has nothing but hurt for her.
When she gets home she discovers that her sister, whom she has not seen or spoken to in 15 years, has left a phone message that their mother has died.
Sienna must now travel back to the home where the horror of her childhood was played out and to the sister that she left behind.
What she doesn’t know is that David is right behind her and determined to win her back.
Sienna, a romance novella, is complete at 35000 words.
Sincerely,
RPT
The need to protect her sister from their abusive father weighs heavily on 10-year-old Sienna’s mind. One night out of desperation, Sienna informs her mother that her father has been sexually abusing her. This assertion leads to the murder of her father by her mother. Covering up the murder as an accident, Sienna’s mother says it is Sienna’s fault and orders her to leave and never return. Sienna’s grandmother takes her in.
Now, 15 years later, Sienna’s life appears to be full. There’s only one thing lacking and that is love. And love is one thing that she does not trust.
One day Sienna’s best friend and next door neighbor, Chantal, wins tickets to a rock concert. Sienna is not really interested in going, but Chantal will not take no for an answer.
David Black is a rock star. He is secretly married to a woman he does not love, and he becomes captivated with Sienna when he sees her sitting in the front row at one of his concerts. He invites her back stage to meet him.
Eventually, Sienna and David fall in love. When David asks Sienna to accompany him on the last leg of his concert tour, she agrees. Unfortunately, David fails to mention his married state to Sienna and she finds out.
She quickly heads for home on a Greyhound bus, more convinced than ever that love has nothing but hurt for her.
When she gets home she discovers that her sister, whom she has not seen or spoken to in 15 years, has left a phone message that their mother has died.
Sienna must now travel back to the home where the horror of her childhood was played out and to the sister that she left behind.
What she doesn’t know is that David is right behind her and determined to win her back.
Sienna, a romance novella, is complete at 35000 words.
Sincerely,
RPT
Query - The Butterfly Key - Revision 5
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Click here to read the fourth revision.
Dear Agent,
Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a family his Army Reserve unit deploys for war. In battle, Christian sustains a wound which renders him incapable of fathering children. Devastated, Christian agonizes over telling his wife Abigail about his infertility for fear of ruining her dreams of motherhood.
Christian blames his calamity on the so-called providence of God and wishes death would have taken him. Haunted by a promise he can no longer keep, and dreading Abigail’s reaction, Christian keeps silent about his impairment. What Christian doesn’t comprehend is Abigail will accept him with unconditional love no matter what albatross she's forced to bear.
When Abigail tearfully pleads for him to come home from the hospital, Christian refuses. In his heart he believes he is no longer the husband she deserves. God, however, believes otherwise and intervenes. He sends two special travelers—one alive, the other not—to help Christian allay the anguish within his soul. With the guidance and love of God’s sojourners, Christian realizes he needs to go home and apologize to Abigail.
Upon Christian's return to his wife he’s overcome with joy, for God has a plan in everything He does when He graces Christian with an unexpected gift.
THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of Christian fiction.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Regards,
A.D.N
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Click here to read the fourth revision.
Dear Agent,
Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a family his Army Reserve unit deploys for war. In battle, Christian sustains a wound which renders him incapable of fathering children. Devastated, Christian agonizes over telling his wife Abigail about his infertility for fear of ruining her dreams of motherhood.
Christian blames his calamity on the so-called providence of God and wishes death would have taken him. Haunted by a promise he can no longer keep, and dreading Abigail’s reaction, Christian keeps silent about his impairment. What Christian doesn’t comprehend is Abigail will accept him with unconditional love no matter what albatross she's forced to bear.
When Abigail tearfully pleads for him to come home from the hospital, Christian refuses. In his heart he believes he is no longer the husband she deserves. God, however, believes otherwise and intervenes. He sends two special travelers—one alive, the other not—to help Christian allay the anguish within his soul. With the guidance and love of God’s sojourners, Christian realizes he needs to go home and apologize to Abigail.
Upon Christian's return to his wife he’s overcome with joy, for God has a plan in everything He does when He graces Christian with an unexpected gift.
THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of Christian fiction.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Regards,
A.D.N
Query - Descent into Darkness - Revision 1
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent,
When Aiden’s ability to use the dangerous and forbidden art of Dark Magic spontaneously manifests during an intense argument with his fiancée, his dream to marry and start a family is torn asunder. Betrayed to the Church by the woman he loves and sentenced to a lifetime of imprisonment, Aiden finds salvation in the least likely of places: the Shadow, the dreaded evil army that seeks to bring chaos and destruction to the land.
But in order to achieve his revenge, Aiden has to face challenges beyond just acquiring the pieces of the key that will free the Shadow Lord from Hell. His ex-fiancée joins the forces of the very Church he is fighting against, and a heated rivalry soon forms between Aiden and the ruthless commander of the Shadow himself, both for the power they both desire—and for love.
DESCENT INTO DARKNESS is a 129,500 word work of fantasy. It is the first in a series of two books, the second of which is currently in progress. Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Author
Dear Agent,
When Aiden’s ability to use the dangerous and forbidden art of Dark Magic spontaneously manifests during an intense argument with his fiancée, his dream to marry and start a family is torn asunder. Betrayed to the Church by the woman he loves and sentenced to a lifetime of imprisonment, Aiden finds salvation in the least likely of places: the Shadow, the dreaded evil army that seeks to bring chaos and destruction to the land.
But in order to achieve his revenge, Aiden has to face challenges beyond just acquiring the pieces of the key that will free the Shadow Lord from Hell. His ex-fiancée joins the forces of the very Church he is fighting against, and a heated rivalry soon forms between Aiden and the ruthless commander of the Shadow himself, both for the power they both desire—and for love.
DESCENT INTO DARKNESS is a 129,500 word work of fantasy. It is the first in a series of two books, the second of which is currently in progress. Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Author
Feb 10, 2010
A successful query
Kiersten White posted a successful query on her blog, you should check it out. The book she queried didn't sell, but it landed her an agent, and she does have a publishing contract now for another book. It's nice of her to share her steps on the path to publishing success.
Feb 8, 2010
Query - Absorption
Dear Agent X:
As a young medic Brett Johnson saw the atrocities perpetrated by the hive mind Alexander. A decade later the Space Force has sent him to the planet Oceania where the nanotechnology Alexander was based upon was developed. Oceania is home to the oldest and largest hive mind in existence, and the planet has derived many economic and medical benefits from it. Brett’s job is to convince the Oceanians that even those who voluntarily became part of the hive mind don’t fully understand the peril to their humanity, and that they must allow the nanotechnology and everything based on it to be destroyed rather than forcing the Federalist Worlds to fight a bloody war against them. He is also supposed to learn as much as possible about Oceanian technology and government to help win a war if one is inevitable.
At first Brett believes deeply in his mission. Then he rashly seduces a beautiful woman, knowing this may interfere with his mission, yet believing it the only way to distract her from giving her soul to the hive mind. With her help he learns more about Oceania than his superiors could have hoped – but begins to question what he’s been told. Is the hive mind truly a malignant entity seeking to trick humans into building the tools it needs to devour them – or a collaborative tool enabling people to perform superhuman feats of intellect? He can only know for certain by becoming part of the supermind. If he was right all along and no individual can ever leave, he will never know what he’s lost – and those who hear his report may not understand until it’s too late. If the Federalist Worlds have completely misunderstood what’s at stake, it may well be too late to convince them, and the home world of the woman he loves may be wracked by a devastating and unnecessary war.
Absorption is an eighty thousand word science fiction novel. Please write me for a full or partial manuscript. I received my MLS from the State University of New York at Albany.
Grateful Regards,
David Weisman
As a young medic Brett Johnson saw the atrocities perpetrated by the hive mind Alexander. A decade later the Space Force has sent him to the planet Oceania where the nanotechnology Alexander was based upon was developed. Oceania is home to the oldest and largest hive mind in existence, and the planet has derived many economic and medical benefits from it. Brett’s job is to convince the Oceanians that even those who voluntarily became part of the hive mind don’t fully understand the peril to their humanity, and that they must allow the nanotechnology and everything based on it to be destroyed rather than forcing the Federalist Worlds to fight a bloody war against them. He is also supposed to learn as much as possible about Oceanian technology and government to help win a war if one is inevitable.
At first Brett believes deeply in his mission. Then he rashly seduces a beautiful woman, knowing this may interfere with his mission, yet believing it the only way to distract her from giving her soul to the hive mind. With her help he learns more about Oceania than his superiors could have hoped – but begins to question what he’s been told. Is the hive mind truly a malignant entity seeking to trick humans into building the tools it needs to devour them – or a collaborative tool enabling people to perform superhuman feats of intellect? He can only know for certain by becoming part of the supermind. If he was right all along and no individual can ever leave, he will never know what he’s lost – and those who hear his report may not understand until it’s too late. If the Federalist Worlds have completely misunderstood what’s at stake, it may well be too late to convince them, and the home world of the woman he loves may be wracked by a devastating and unnecessary war.
Absorption is an eighty thousand word science fiction novel. Please write me for a full or partial manuscript. I received my MLS from the State University of New York at Albany.
Grateful Regards,
David Weisman
Feb 7, 2010
Sample Pages- AM I WORTH IT?
Click here to read the first sample page submission.
Click here to read the second sample page submission.
Click here to read the most recent query.
*** Just a side note - its been a few months since I posted a revision of this story because I got really frustrated trying to revise what already existed. Finally I decided to tone down the MC and give him a little more mystery in the first chapter. I still don't know if its the right place to start but at least I'm no longer stuck.
I attempted suicide exactly once a day. Twice would be excessive. It would lose its value. I was starting to think it already had and I was starting to like it here.
Enjoying a blistering cold November in Chicago after spending my entire seventeen years in California was not part of my plan. I should hate my life right now, but I didn’t.
And it was so wrong for me to be happy.
I made my usual climb up the rocky wall. My hands numb from the cold wind, but the feeling was exhilarating. I couldn’t deny that. San Jose had such mild weather compared to this. The way the bitter cold steals your breathe, stings the tips of your fingers and toe. It was fascinating.
When I reached the top of the mound of giant rocks, I looked out at Lake Michigan spread before my eyes. It wasn’t California, but damn, it was beautiful. Even with the bite of a cold winter.
I closed my eyes and I was there again, with her. The girl I was sentenced to spend a lifetime with.
“Every weekend it’s the same fucking thing, get drunk and party, maybe hook up with some random girl. Don’t you ever get tired of it?” I glanced over at my friend, he wasn’t even listening. He was watching a group of girls dancing.
“Hey Dan, someone’s checking you out,” Trenton sang.
He handed me another shot glass of whiskey and pointed at a short girl with dark hair across the room.
“What’s her name, Hailey or something?”I asked.
Trenton laughed and shook his head.”How many shots have you had? You never forget anyone’s name.”
“Six shots . . .Hannah,” I remembered.
He moved beside me leaning against the counter. “What do you say? I don’t think you’d have any trouble getting in that girls’ pants. She totally wants you.”
I laughed and my head spun even more. “You’re such an ass, Trent. If I were a chick there would be a warning label tattooed across your forehead, I’d make sure of that.”
“We can’t all be as God damn charming as you,” he said.
I rested my head in my hands massaging my temples, wishing I hadn’t drank so much. Exactly thirty seconds later, I got a whiff of perfume.
“Hannah Fuentes,” I said, without lifting my head.
“Dan Anderson,” she answered, giggling.
One strike against her already. Giggling girls were a little bit of a turn off for me, or maybe they just seemed fake, rehearsed.
“So you remember me?” she asked.
I lifted my head meeting her brown eyes. “Yes, we had Biology Freshman year. You sat in the third table on the window side of the room next to Byron Silverman.”
Her face lit up with a look of excitement- possibilities.
I cursed myself silently. Now she was going to think I spent the past two years dreaming about watching her bend over to pull a pencil out of her bag or something.
“See what I mean? God damn charming,” Trent muttered, as he walked away.
“You want to dance?” she asked.
Damn! Why didn’t I go home early like a good little Senator’s son? “Okay.”
She grabbed my hand and pulled me to the middle of the giant living room with the rest of the drunken upper classman. The music was fast and loud, the beat, the lights, my spinning head, none of it allowed me to think clearly and I knew this wouldn’t end well.
Then she was kissing me, her tongue dancing around in my mouth. It wasn’t a bad kiss, but it wasn’t love.
And it should be.
The vibration coming from my pocket shook me out of this morning ritual. My pounding heart slowed just a little before I flipped open the phone.
“Hi Steve.”
“Dan, where are you? I got up at five thirty and you were gone. Did you go out last night?” he asked, putting on his concerned uncle hat.
“Do I ever go out?”
“No . . .well anyway, I have a favor to ask.”
I groaned more out of habit than real distress.
“It’ll get you out of first period,” he taunted.
“Alright.”
I sighed and start to climb down.
Not today. I was still a fucking coward. Again.
***
I walked in to the audio visual room a few minutes late. A blond haired woman stood in front of the T.V. with a notebook and a pen. She was the only one in the room.
“Are you Christian?” I asked.
She continued to stare at the T.V. “No, I’m atheist. My parents are Catholic.”
I laughed. “Okay, and you don’t have a French accent either.”
“Nope sorry, but I could give it a shot.”
I walked over and stood beside her, looking at the T.V.
“Damn, I thought we had it locked up.” She shook her head at the giant robot still intact and gloating after demolishing the other one in the ring.
I examined the screen a little more closely. “What materials are you using on the outside?”
She didn’t get to answer because a girl came skidding in the room, flustered and pink in the face. “Are you Christian?”
The woman next to me laughed. “This is still the audio visual room, isn’t it?”
The frantic girl put her hands in her face and moaned. “Oh God! He’s probably wandering around the school without a clue where to go.”
“You must be Claire Ramsey. The girl who’s battery died,” I said.
She looked up at me and I found myself staring a little too long at her green eyes. The genetic improbability of green eyes was so fascinating. Plus, she was gorgeous and something about her was different . . . honest maybe.
A virgin. She had to be a virgin.
“How did you know my name?” she asked.
“I was supposed to be your replacement, but if you’re here then my work is done.” I started to walk toward the door and she grabbed my arm.
"Wait, I’m not sure I can do this?” She bit her lower lip nervously.
“Do what?” I asked smiling because it wasn’t surgery or anything life or death.
“Translate.” She shook her head. “What if he uses slang or something not in my third year text book?”
The honest concern that filled her voice was so endearing. “Okay, I’ll stick around.”
This is bad Dan, resist the guilty pleasure. You’re already living with a girl. When I looked at Claire’s face again, I knew I couldn’t be an ass and leave her hanging, but I wouldn’t get personal either. Ever again. I committed myself for life to someone else. It was marriage in the worst sense.
Click here to read the second sample page submission.
Click here to read the most recent query.
*** Just a side note - its been a few months since I posted a revision of this story because I got really frustrated trying to revise what already existed. Finally I decided to tone down the MC and give him a little more mystery in the first chapter. I still don't know if its the right place to start but at least I'm no longer stuck.
I attempted suicide exactly once a day. Twice would be excessive. It would lose its value. I was starting to think it already had and I was starting to like it here.
Enjoying a blistering cold November in Chicago after spending my entire seventeen years in California was not part of my plan. I should hate my life right now, but I didn’t.
And it was so wrong for me to be happy.
I made my usual climb up the rocky wall. My hands numb from the cold wind, but the feeling was exhilarating. I couldn’t deny that. San Jose had such mild weather compared to this. The way the bitter cold steals your breathe, stings the tips of your fingers and toe. It was fascinating.
When I reached the top of the mound of giant rocks, I looked out at Lake Michigan spread before my eyes. It wasn’t California, but damn, it was beautiful. Even with the bite of a cold winter.
I closed my eyes and I was there again, with her. The girl I was sentenced to spend a lifetime with.
“Every weekend it’s the same fucking thing, get drunk and party, maybe hook up with some random girl. Don’t you ever get tired of it?” I glanced over at my friend, he wasn’t even listening. He was watching a group of girls dancing.
“Hey Dan, someone’s checking you out,” Trenton sang.
He handed me another shot glass of whiskey and pointed at a short girl with dark hair across the room.
“What’s her name, Hailey or something?”I asked.
Trenton laughed and shook his head.”How many shots have you had? You never forget anyone’s name.”
“Six shots . . .Hannah,” I remembered.
He moved beside me leaning against the counter. “What do you say? I don’t think you’d have any trouble getting in that girls’ pants. She totally wants you.”
I laughed and my head spun even more. “You’re such an ass, Trent. If I were a chick there would be a warning label tattooed across your forehead, I’d make sure of that.”
“We can’t all be as God damn charming as you,” he said.
I rested my head in my hands massaging my temples, wishing I hadn’t drank so much. Exactly thirty seconds later, I got a whiff of perfume.
“Hannah Fuentes,” I said, without lifting my head.
“Dan Anderson,” she answered, giggling.
One strike against her already. Giggling girls were a little bit of a turn off for me, or maybe they just seemed fake, rehearsed.
“So you remember me?” she asked.
I lifted my head meeting her brown eyes. “Yes, we had Biology Freshman year. You sat in the third table on the window side of the room next to Byron Silverman.”
Her face lit up with a look of excitement- possibilities.
I cursed myself silently. Now she was going to think I spent the past two years dreaming about watching her bend over to pull a pencil out of her bag or something.
“See what I mean? God damn charming,” Trent muttered, as he walked away.
“You want to dance?” she asked.
Damn! Why didn’t I go home early like a good little Senator’s son? “Okay.”
She grabbed my hand and pulled me to the middle of the giant living room with the rest of the drunken upper classman. The music was fast and loud, the beat, the lights, my spinning head, none of it allowed me to think clearly and I knew this wouldn’t end well.
Then she was kissing me, her tongue dancing around in my mouth. It wasn’t a bad kiss, but it wasn’t love.
And it should be.
The vibration coming from my pocket shook me out of this morning ritual. My pounding heart slowed just a little before I flipped open the phone.
“Hi Steve.”
“Dan, where are you? I got up at five thirty and you were gone. Did you go out last night?” he asked, putting on his concerned uncle hat.
“Do I ever go out?”
“No . . .well anyway, I have a favor to ask.”
I groaned more out of habit than real distress.
“It’ll get you out of first period,” he taunted.
“Alright.”
I sighed and start to climb down.
Not today. I was still a fucking coward. Again.
***
I walked in to the audio visual room a few minutes late. A blond haired woman stood in front of the T.V. with a notebook and a pen. She was the only one in the room.
“Are you Christian?” I asked.
She continued to stare at the T.V. “No, I’m atheist. My parents are Catholic.”
I laughed. “Okay, and you don’t have a French accent either.”
“Nope sorry, but I could give it a shot.”
I walked over and stood beside her, looking at the T.V.
“Damn, I thought we had it locked up.” She shook her head at the giant robot still intact and gloating after demolishing the other one in the ring.
I examined the screen a little more closely. “What materials are you using on the outside?”
She didn’t get to answer because a girl came skidding in the room, flustered and pink in the face. “Are you Christian?”
The woman next to me laughed. “This is still the audio visual room, isn’t it?”
The frantic girl put her hands in her face and moaned. “Oh God! He’s probably wandering around the school without a clue where to go.”
“You must be Claire Ramsey. The girl who’s battery died,” I said.
She looked up at me and I found myself staring a little too long at her green eyes. The genetic improbability of green eyes was so fascinating. Plus, she was gorgeous and something about her was different . . . honest maybe.
A virgin. She had to be a virgin.
“How did you know my name?” she asked.
“I was supposed to be your replacement, but if you’re here then my work is done.” I started to walk toward the door and she grabbed my arm.
"Wait, I’m not sure I can do this?” She bit her lower lip nervously.
“Do what?” I asked smiling because it wasn’t surgery or anything life or death.
“Translate.” She shook her head. “What if he uses slang or something not in my third year text book?”
The honest concern that filled her voice was so endearing. “Okay, I’ll stick around.”
This is bad Dan, resist the guilty pleasure. You’re already living with a girl. When I looked at Claire’s face again, I knew I couldn’t be an ass and leave her hanging, but I wouldn’t get personal either. Ever again. I committed myself for life to someone else. It was marriage in the worst sense.
Feb 5, 2010
Query - Descent into Darkness
Dear Agent,
When Aiden’s ability to use the dangerous and forbidden art of Dark Magic manifests during an intense argument with his fiancée, his dream to marry and start a family is torn asunder. Betrayed by the woman he loves and embittered by a long imprisonment, he finds himself seeking salvation in the least likely of places: the Shadow.
But Aiden has to face more challenges than maintaining his sense of humanity under the influence of a magic which urges him to destroy while he fights to free the Shadow Lord from Hell. His fiancée joins the forces of the very Church he is fighting against, and a heated rivalry soon forms between Aiden and the ruthless commander of the Shadow himself, both for the power they both desire—and for love.
DESCENT INTO DARKNESS is a 129,500 word work of fantasy that retells the classic good vs. evil conflict from the perspective of evil. It is the first in a series of two books, the second of which is currently in progress. Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Author
When Aiden’s ability to use the dangerous and forbidden art of Dark Magic manifests during an intense argument with his fiancée, his dream to marry and start a family is torn asunder. Betrayed by the woman he loves and embittered by a long imprisonment, he finds himself seeking salvation in the least likely of places: the Shadow.
But Aiden has to face more challenges than maintaining his sense of humanity under the influence of a magic which urges him to destroy while he fights to free the Shadow Lord from Hell. His fiancée joins the forces of the very Church he is fighting against, and a heated rivalry soon forms between Aiden and the ruthless commander of the Shadow himself, both for the power they both desire—and for love.
DESCENT INTO DARKNESS is a 129,500 word work of fantasy that retells the classic good vs. evil conflict from the perspective of evil. It is the first in a series of two books, the second of which is currently in progress. Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Author
Query - The Butterfly Key - Revision 4
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Dear Agent,
Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a family, he learns his Army Reserve unit is deploying for war. Later, when he sustains a wound in battle that renders him incapable of fathering children he wrestles with the thought of letting Abigail, his wife, know.
Blaming his calamity on the so-called providence of God, and haunted by a promise he can no longer keep, Christian wishes death would have stolen him. Instead, he must now confront his fears and face his wife. Dreading the idea of breaking his promise to her, Christian decides against telling Abigail about his injury for fear of turning her dreams of motherhood into a nightmare.
While Abigail tearfully pleads for him to come home, Christian resolves he can no longer be the husband that she deserves. God believes otherwise, however, and intervenes by sending forth two special travelers – one alive, the other not – to help Christian allay the anguish buried deep within his soul.
With the guidance and love of God’s sojourners, Christian realizes he needs to return home and apologize to Abigail. Upon his homecoming, he is ecstatic to find not only his wife but also his unknown progeny awaiting him. Thus, Christian relearns a valuable lesson: God always has a plan in everything He does.
THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of Christian fiction. A completed manuscript is available upon your request. I look forward to working with you.
Regards,
A.D.N
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Dear Agent,
Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a family, he learns his Army Reserve unit is deploying for war. Later, when he sustains a wound in battle that renders him incapable of fathering children he wrestles with the thought of letting Abigail, his wife, know.
Blaming his calamity on the so-called providence of God, and haunted by a promise he can no longer keep, Christian wishes death would have stolen him. Instead, he must now confront his fears and face his wife. Dreading the idea of breaking his promise to her, Christian decides against telling Abigail about his injury for fear of turning her dreams of motherhood into a nightmare.
While Abigail tearfully pleads for him to come home, Christian resolves he can no longer be the husband that she deserves. God believes otherwise, however, and intervenes by sending forth two special travelers – one alive, the other not – to help Christian allay the anguish buried deep within his soul.
With the guidance and love of God’s sojourners, Christian realizes he needs to return home and apologize to Abigail. Upon his homecoming, he is ecstatic to find not only his wife but also his unknown progeny awaiting him. Thus, Christian relearns a valuable lesson: God always has a plan in everything He does.
THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of Christian fiction. A completed manuscript is available upon your request. I look forward to working with you.
Regards,
A.D.N
Feb 2, 2010
Query - The Butterfly Key - 3rd Revision.
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Dear Agent,
Shortly after Christian Bryson promises his wife, Abigail, a family, he learns he is deploying for war, something he views as just a temporary setback in fulfilling his wife’s dream of having kids. But when wounded in battle, he tragically discovers he can no longer father children.
Wishing death’s hand would have taken him instead of this second chance at life, Christian finds himself hopelessly lost, drowning in a world of despair. Blaming his calamity on God and His so-called providence and haunted by a promise he can no longer keep, Christian refuses to tell Abigail about his injury even as she tearfully pleads for him to come home.
With their marriage on the verge of collapse, Christian determines he can no longer be the man that Abigail deserves. However, God intervenes and sends two special travelers – one alive and the other not – to return Christian home to not only his wife, but also his unknown progeny.
THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of Christian fiction. A completed manuscript is available upon your request. I look forward to working with you.
Regards,
A.D.N
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Dear Agent,
Shortly after Christian Bryson promises his wife, Abigail, a family, he learns he is deploying for war, something he views as just a temporary setback in fulfilling his wife’s dream of having kids. But when wounded in battle, he tragically discovers he can no longer father children.
Wishing death’s hand would have taken him instead of this second chance at life, Christian finds himself hopelessly lost, drowning in a world of despair. Blaming his calamity on God and His so-called providence and haunted by a promise he can no longer keep, Christian refuses to tell Abigail about his injury even as she tearfully pleads for him to come home.
With their marriage on the verge of collapse, Christian determines he can no longer be the man that Abigail deserves. However, God intervenes and sends two special travelers – one alive and the other not – to return Christian home to not only his wife, but also his unknown progeny.
THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of Christian fiction. A completed manuscript is available upon your request. I look forward to working with you.
Regards,
A.D.N
Sample Pages- THE ELEANOR STORY (revision 1)
Click here to read the query.
Click here to read the original sample pages.
Chapter 1
Memories can stick like a tongue to a frosty pole in the middle of winter. Pulling and tugging to break free will only dismember the delicate skin leaving it raw and exposed.
I remember the exact day the spot light turned on me. And by spot-light, I don’t mean me slipping on a pair of tap shoes and performing an excerpt from a Broadway musical. More like I was standing naked with my classmates staring me down, memorizing every detail.
Okay, that’s a bit dramatic, but seriously, it was bad.
Sister Clarisse calls it adolescence or puberty, but I call it exposure. The time when every girl’s self-esteem is mutilated, dismembered. For me, my moment of exposure happened at the beginning of eighth grade.
“What do you think we’ll have to do?” Alison whispered to me that morning in homeroom.
I opened my bag and started pulling out books, throwing them on top of the desk. “I don’t know. Sister Clarisse didn’t give us any details.”
My nervous tone reflected the buzz of voices drifting through the classroom. Everyone was feeling it. Today was different. Of course when you’re my age, you can’t let anyone but your very best friends know the idea of watching The Movie was freakin’ scary. Yes, that’s right, Ellie Cummings was petrified of this official rite of passage into the teenage world, but never in a million years would I have guessed how much was about to change after watching The Movie. If I had known I probably would have faked an illness this morning and never left my house.
I hung my bag on the back of my chair and tugged at my green and navy pleated skirt. It was identical to the one Alison wore, but on her the required uniform was a fashion statement. Alison was already five foot five and growing constantly. Not in the gangly awkward way, but in the I’m-thirteen-but-the-ninth-grade-boys-all-snap-their-heads-in-my-direction way. Mostly because this summer she started growing things I didn’t have yet.
Don’t think I spend all my time obsessing over the bra size of my classmates, but it was the first week of school and everyone changed over the summer. Alison changed the most of all the girls and, of course, it didn’t go unnoticed. Me, well let’s just say I have the flattest chest in my entire class. This is not opinion based. It’s a fact. Even Freddie Livingston has bigger boobs than me. Seriously, he does. I cringe every time Freddie is on the “skins” team when the boys play basketball in the gym.
I was beginning to realize everything is more complicated in eighth grade. For starters, we moved to the high school wing with the ninth graders and switched classrooms every hour, bumping into them in the hallway. And if you’re unlucky like me, and scored high on your standardized testing you might even end up in a few classes with them. Talk about feeling like a puny little girl.
My other best friend Hailey leaned in close to me and Alison and whispered, “My sister told me they make everyone put condoms on oranges.”
Hailey’s sister is in tenth grade this year and entertains herself by giving Hailey a load of crap to see if she’ll believe it.
I rolled my eyes. “You don’t put condoms on oranges. Bananas maybe?”
Alison giggled beside me then put her hand over her mouth when Sister Janet glared in our direction. The nun always did this if anyone appeared to be enjoying homeroom.
Hailey’s forehead wrinkled, and I could tell she was going to give herself a head ache thinking this hard.
I put my hand on her shoulder to calm her down before whispering as quietly as possible, “Hailey we’re not going to put condoms on anything . This isn’t public school. Catholics stress abstinence, not birth control, meaning don’t do it, so there’s no reason to know how to use a condom.”
Her face relaxed.
Alison shook her head, eyes glued to the folder in her hands. “Ellie’s right.”
TJ, the cutest boy in our grade, strolled past us and we immediately jumped apart from our huddled girl talk.
TJ’s eyes fell on Alison. His cheeks blushed a little, and he hurried over to his desk.
“Did you see that,” Hailey squealed.
I clapped my hand over her mouth to shut her up. Alison threw me a grateful look. Last year we made a pact to never be those girls. The squealing ones who pretend they’re idiots and refuse to eat in front of boys. Hailey can’t help herself. She’s naturally ditzy and forgetful. It has nothing to do with male presence, so we still love her.
“My house after school,” Alison reminded us of our Friday tradition.
It was nothing more than hanging out, pigging out, making fun of the popular girls (the Pact to stay “squeal free” evolved from one of these sessions), and occasionally inventing stories about what the nuns really do after school (my personal favorite).
“Sarah’s coming. I called her last night,” Hailey said, referring to our other best friend in a different homeroom this year.
“Alright, everyone get your Math books out and start with the problems on page ten,” Sister Janet said. She narrowed her eyes at me, pointing one hand toward the door. Freddie and Dara zipped past, books tucked under their arms. I swallowed hard and threw Alison and Hailey a desperate look. Alison bit her lower lip and Hailey chewed on her thumb nail. They were the most supportive friends a girl could have, but they didn’t have to leave. I did. Day five of Algebra with the ninth graders had officially begun.
I grabbed my book and hurried after Freddie and Dara. My stomach did flip-flops while I made the long walk down the hall. But the pukey feeling was completely unrelated to the impending movie and everything to with the older kids (I’d start worrying about the movie again after Algebra). Being forced into their world, even if only for academic reasons would frightened the coolest of eighth graders (which I wasn’t). They didn’t want me there anymore than I wanted to be there.
Sister Janet says there’s always something to be grateful for- someone who was worse off. Whenever I sit in class behind the most popular ninth grade girl, April Jenson, it’s difficult to be grateful for anything God has blessed me with. But then I look over at Jenny Ludwig and give thanks that my mother doesn’t make me wear the little girl jumpers instead of the skirts. Seriously, she’s fourteen with a plaid jumper, white button down Peter Pan collar shirt, knee socks and black Mary Jane’s.
I. Kid. You. Not.
After glancing at Jenny the first day of school, I forced myself to look down at my socially acceptable skirt, navy school polo and Nike’s then I said: Yes, there is a God. I may not be April Jenson, but Sister Janet is right. It could be worse.
I took in a deep breath before entering the classroom, letting my eyes drop to stare at my shoes like I was examining them for dog crap stuck to the bottom. It’s an unspoken rule not to make eye contact with the ninth graders while on their turf (which I was). I slid into my seat and noticed Mrs. Halloway wasn’t in the room yet.
Frightening.
I was writing the date on the top of my notebook page when someone tapped me on the shoulder. My heart started pounding in my chest. It must be a trick. I wasn’t turning around just to have someone shove my finger up my nose and ask me if I’m digging for gold (this happened to Freddie yesterday, I felt terrible for him).
“Ellie, are you ignoring me?” a voice whispered in my ear.
A familiar voice. But it couldn’t be. I turned quickly in my seat and stared right into Justin’s green eyes.
“What are you doing here?” I couldn’t help asking.
He smiled. “It’s not an all girl’s school.”
I rolled my eyes. “You wish. But I thought you were going to George Washington?”
“My parents had me on the waiting list all summer. A spot opened up at the last minute.” He frowned and reached his hand toward my shirt and pulled off a cat hair. “Albert Einstein’s been rolling in your laundry basket again, hasn’t he?”
I laughed and pushed his hand away. “I wasn’t ignoring you. I didn’t know you were here. Plus I’m an eighth grader. I’ll probably get hung or lynched just for this little chat.”
I turned around then because Mrs. Halloway walked in to the room and I realized immediately several pairs of eyes were on me.
Spotlight number one. I wished more than anything this was the only one. It wasn’t.
My cheeks burned and I slid down in my seat hoping Mrs. Halloway would jump right in to complex equations. She did jump into the lesson but not the long boring lecture I hoped for. No, that would be lucky (which I wasn’t). And that would be reserved for traditional teachers (which Mrs. Halloway wasn’t).
Today we were doing a hands-on project- calculating angles of large objects outside using Algebraic and geometric formulas. So when she started to partner us up I glanced hopefully at Dara, even Freddie would do. Eighth graders needed to stick together, but instead I get-
“April Jenson,” Mrs. Halloway said.
April stood and flipped her blonde hair over her shoulder.
Mrs. Halloway looked down at her clip board. “April your partner will be, Eleanor Cummings.”
My face turned even redder and I ducked down pretending to pick up something from the floor.
“Eleanor Cummings,” Mrs. Halloway spoke with such authority I jerked up quickly banging my head on the desk, hard.
I stood feeling the burn of everyone’s eyes.
Spotlight number two.
Mrs. Halloway was new and didn’t know name’s yet. She was just reading off the roster and the damage she caused was completely unintentional.
I heard Justin laugh a little under his breath and mutter, “Eleanor.”
I had been Ellie Cummings since preschool. Like every other day, I walked in as Ellie. But today, I left as Eleanor and today of all days Eleanor was the absolute worst name to have.
Click here to read the original sample pages.
Chapter 1
Memories can stick like a tongue to a frosty pole in the middle of winter. Pulling and tugging to break free will only dismember the delicate skin leaving it raw and exposed.
I remember the exact day the spot light turned on me. And by spot-light, I don’t mean me slipping on a pair of tap shoes and performing an excerpt from a Broadway musical. More like I was standing naked with my classmates staring me down, memorizing every detail.
Okay, that’s a bit dramatic, but seriously, it was bad.
Sister Clarisse calls it adolescence or puberty, but I call it exposure. The time when every girl’s self-esteem is mutilated, dismembered. For me, my moment of exposure happened at the beginning of eighth grade.
“What do you think we’ll have to do?” Alison whispered to me that morning in homeroom.
I opened my bag and started pulling out books, throwing them on top of the desk. “I don’t know. Sister Clarisse didn’t give us any details.”
My nervous tone reflected the buzz of voices drifting through the classroom. Everyone was feeling it. Today was different. Of course when you’re my age, you can’t let anyone but your very best friends know the idea of watching The Movie was freakin’ scary. Yes, that’s right, Ellie Cummings was petrified of this official rite of passage into the teenage world, but never in a million years would I have guessed how much was about to change after watching The Movie. If I had known I probably would have faked an illness this morning and never left my house.
I hung my bag on the back of my chair and tugged at my green and navy pleated skirt. It was identical to the one Alison wore, but on her the required uniform was a fashion statement. Alison was already five foot five and growing constantly. Not in the gangly awkward way, but in the I’m-thirteen-but-the-ninth-grade-boys-all-snap-their-heads-in-my-direction way. Mostly because this summer she started growing things I didn’t have yet.
Don’t think I spend all my time obsessing over the bra size of my classmates, but it was the first week of school and everyone changed over the summer. Alison changed the most of all the girls and, of course, it didn’t go unnoticed. Me, well let’s just say I have the flattest chest in my entire class. This is not opinion based. It’s a fact. Even Freddie Livingston has bigger boobs than me. Seriously, he does. I cringe every time Freddie is on the “skins” team when the boys play basketball in the gym.
I was beginning to realize everything is more complicated in eighth grade. For starters, we moved to the high school wing with the ninth graders and switched classrooms every hour, bumping into them in the hallway. And if you’re unlucky like me, and scored high on your standardized testing you might even end up in a few classes with them. Talk about feeling like a puny little girl.
My other best friend Hailey leaned in close to me and Alison and whispered, “My sister told me they make everyone put condoms on oranges.”
Hailey’s sister is in tenth grade this year and entertains herself by giving Hailey a load of crap to see if she’ll believe it.
I rolled my eyes. “You don’t put condoms on oranges. Bananas maybe?”
Alison giggled beside me then put her hand over her mouth when Sister Janet glared in our direction. The nun always did this if anyone appeared to be enjoying homeroom.
Hailey’s forehead wrinkled, and I could tell she was going to give herself a head ache thinking this hard.
I put my hand on her shoulder to calm her down before whispering as quietly as possible, “Hailey we’re not going to put condoms on anything . This isn’t public school. Catholics stress abstinence, not birth control, meaning don’t do it, so there’s no reason to know how to use a condom.”
Her face relaxed.
Alison shook her head, eyes glued to the folder in her hands. “Ellie’s right.”
TJ, the cutest boy in our grade, strolled past us and we immediately jumped apart from our huddled girl talk.
TJ’s eyes fell on Alison. His cheeks blushed a little, and he hurried over to his desk.
“Did you see that,” Hailey squealed.
I clapped my hand over her mouth to shut her up. Alison threw me a grateful look. Last year we made a pact to never be those girls. The squealing ones who pretend they’re idiots and refuse to eat in front of boys. Hailey can’t help herself. She’s naturally ditzy and forgetful. It has nothing to do with male presence, so we still love her.
“My house after school,” Alison reminded us of our Friday tradition.
It was nothing more than hanging out, pigging out, making fun of the popular girls (the Pact to stay “squeal free” evolved from one of these sessions), and occasionally inventing stories about what the nuns really do after school (my personal favorite).
“Sarah’s coming. I called her last night,” Hailey said, referring to our other best friend in a different homeroom this year.
“Alright, everyone get your Math books out and start with the problems on page ten,” Sister Janet said. She narrowed her eyes at me, pointing one hand toward the door. Freddie and Dara zipped past, books tucked under their arms. I swallowed hard and threw Alison and Hailey a desperate look. Alison bit her lower lip and Hailey chewed on her thumb nail. They were the most supportive friends a girl could have, but they didn’t have to leave. I did. Day five of Algebra with the ninth graders had officially begun.
I grabbed my book and hurried after Freddie and Dara. My stomach did flip-flops while I made the long walk down the hall. But the pukey feeling was completely unrelated to the impending movie and everything to with the older kids (I’d start worrying about the movie again after Algebra). Being forced into their world, even if only for academic reasons would frightened the coolest of eighth graders (which I wasn’t). They didn’t want me there anymore than I wanted to be there.
Sister Janet says there’s always something to be grateful for- someone who was worse off. Whenever I sit in class behind the most popular ninth grade girl, April Jenson, it’s difficult to be grateful for anything God has blessed me with. But then I look over at Jenny Ludwig and give thanks that my mother doesn’t make me wear the little girl jumpers instead of the skirts. Seriously, she’s fourteen with a plaid jumper, white button down Peter Pan collar shirt, knee socks and black Mary Jane’s.
I. Kid. You. Not.
After glancing at Jenny the first day of school, I forced myself to look down at my socially acceptable skirt, navy school polo and Nike’s then I said: Yes, there is a God. I may not be April Jenson, but Sister Janet is right. It could be worse.
I took in a deep breath before entering the classroom, letting my eyes drop to stare at my shoes like I was examining them for dog crap stuck to the bottom. It’s an unspoken rule not to make eye contact with the ninth graders while on their turf (which I was). I slid into my seat and noticed Mrs. Halloway wasn’t in the room yet.
Frightening.
I was writing the date on the top of my notebook page when someone tapped me on the shoulder. My heart started pounding in my chest. It must be a trick. I wasn’t turning around just to have someone shove my finger up my nose and ask me if I’m digging for gold (this happened to Freddie yesterday, I felt terrible for him).
“Ellie, are you ignoring me?” a voice whispered in my ear.
A familiar voice. But it couldn’t be. I turned quickly in my seat and stared right into Justin’s green eyes.
“What are you doing here?” I couldn’t help asking.
He smiled. “It’s not an all girl’s school.”
I rolled my eyes. “You wish. But I thought you were going to George Washington?”
“My parents had me on the waiting list all summer. A spot opened up at the last minute.” He frowned and reached his hand toward my shirt and pulled off a cat hair. “Albert Einstein’s been rolling in your laundry basket again, hasn’t he?”
I laughed and pushed his hand away. “I wasn’t ignoring you. I didn’t know you were here. Plus I’m an eighth grader. I’ll probably get hung or lynched just for this little chat.”
I turned around then because Mrs. Halloway walked in to the room and I realized immediately several pairs of eyes were on me.
Spotlight number one. I wished more than anything this was the only one. It wasn’t.
My cheeks burned and I slid down in my seat hoping Mrs. Halloway would jump right in to complex equations. She did jump into the lesson but not the long boring lecture I hoped for. No, that would be lucky (which I wasn’t). And that would be reserved for traditional teachers (which Mrs. Halloway wasn’t).
Today we were doing a hands-on project- calculating angles of large objects outside using Algebraic and geometric formulas. So when she started to partner us up I glanced hopefully at Dara, even Freddie would do. Eighth graders needed to stick together, but instead I get-
“April Jenson,” Mrs. Halloway said.
April stood and flipped her blonde hair over her shoulder.
Mrs. Halloway looked down at her clip board. “April your partner will be, Eleanor Cummings.”
My face turned even redder and I ducked down pretending to pick up something from the floor.
“Eleanor Cummings,” Mrs. Halloway spoke with such authority I jerked up quickly banging my head on the desk, hard.
I stood feeling the burn of everyone’s eyes.
Spotlight number two.
Mrs. Halloway was new and didn’t know name’s yet. She was just reading off the roster and the damage she caused was completely unintentional.
I heard Justin laugh a little under his breath and mutter, “Eleanor.”
I had been Ellie Cummings since preschool. Like every other day, I walked in as Ellie. But today, I left as Eleanor and today of all days Eleanor was the absolute worst name to have.
QUERY- THE ELEANOR STORY (first revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the sample pages.
On her fourteenth birthday, Ellie Cummings has one amazing seventy-two second kiss with the cutest boy in school. Three days later, she’s officially the slut of St. Vincent’s Academy.
Shy, quiet Ellie is in for a surprise when Justin, the boy she’s kept a secret from her friends all summer, transfers to her school. From the moment Ellie chooses a seat in the cafeteria next to Justin, she goes from flying under the radar, to being the center of gossip so juicy even the nuns are taking notice.
Her friendship with Justin is put under the microscope by everyone, including Ellie as she employs every method possible to protect her reputation, even forming her very own list of thirty items guaranteed to keep rumors from spreading. Eye gazing, hand holding, daydreaming (or vacant stare that might be mistaken for daydreaming), are all out of the question.
Despite her efforts to prove Justin is a friend and nothing more, Ellie’s true feelings creep in and she impulsively kisses him in front of twenty-six pairs of eyes and one hairy mole working for the evil HailMary22.
Three days later, HailMary22 has started a blog in her honor, Guess Eleanor Cummings Next Man. Rumors and lies fill the pages of the blog and Ellie can’t escape from an outcome she never asked for. Isolation from her friends and the boy she may love, lead to something far worse than any rumor spread. It’s up to Ellie to decide, hide from HailMary22 or stand up for herself for the first in her life.
THE ELEANOR STORY is a 54,000 word young adult novel. This is my first project.
Click here to read the sample pages.
On her fourteenth birthday, Ellie Cummings has one amazing seventy-two second kiss with the cutest boy in school. Three days later, she’s officially the slut of St. Vincent’s Academy.
Shy, quiet Ellie is in for a surprise when Justin, the boy she’s kept a secret from her friends all summer, transfers to her school. From the moment Ellie chooses a seat in the cafeteria next to Justin, she goes from flying under the radar, to being the center of gossip so juicy even the nuns are taking notice.
Her friendship with Justin is put under the microscope by everyone, including Ellie as she employs every method possible to protect her reputation, even forming her very own list of thirty items guaranteed to keep rumors from spreading. Eye gazing, hand holding, daydreaming (or vacant stare that might be mistaken for daydreaming), are all out of the question.
Despite her efforts to prove Justin is a friend and nothing more, Ellie’s true feelings creep in and she impulsively kisses him in front of twenty-six pairs of eyes and one hairy mole working for the evil HailMary22.
Three days later, HailMary22 has started a blog in her honor, Guess Eleanor Cummings Next Man. Rumors and lies fill the pages of the blog and Ellie can’t escape from an outcome she never asked for. Isolation from her friends and the boy she may love, lead to something far worse than any rumor spread. It’s up to Ellie to decide, hide from HailMary22 or stand up for herself for the first in her life.
THE ELEANOR STORY is a 54,000 word young adult novel. This is my first project.
Feb 1, 2010
The Butterfly Key -- Revision 2 (Revised)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Agent,
When Nicole Kuefler’s seemingly indelible faith crumbles after her miscarriage, she falls into an agonizing conflict against God. Concerned for his wife, Nicole’s husband Drew gathers his family around the Christmas tree to weave a story about God and His so-called providence. This is the allegory of The Butterfly Key.
Christian Bryson’s mother died after childbirth, his father recently lost his battle with cancer. Therefore, when Abigail, his wife, discovers she is pregnant, she is ecstatic to deliver him some good news. Sadly, before Abigail can tell him, Christian crushes her world by informing her that he is deploying for war. Consequently, Abigail reluctantly decides to keep her pregnancy a secret so Christian can focus on keeping himself alive.
When wounded in battle, Christian learns he can no longer father children, thus his promise of making Abigail a mother haunts his soul. Struggling to accept his calamity, Christian cannot bring himself to tell Abigail about his injury even as she pleads for him to come home. Believing Christian should return for love and not for a sense of obligation, Abigail wrongly decides not to tell him about the birth of their progeny.
With their marriage on the verge of collapsing, God intervenes and sends two special travelers to bring Christian back home to his family.
After Drew finishes his story, he is unsure if Nicole can forgive God. That is, until a unique present appears under the Christmas tree from an invented character in his story. A gift with the power to restore what Nicole had lost – her faith.
THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of literary fiction. A completed manuscript is available upon your request. I look forward to working with you.
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Agent,
When Nicole Kuefler’s seemingly indelible faith crumbles after her miscarriage, she falls into an agonizing conflict against God. Concerned for his wife, Nicole’s husband Drew gathers his family around the Christmas tree to weave a story about God and His so-called providence. This is the allegory of The Butterfly Key.
Christian Bryson’s mother died after childbirth, his father recently lost his battle with cancer. Therefore, when Abigail, his wife, discovers she is pregnant, she is ecstatic to deliver him some good news. Sadly, before Abigail can tell him, Christian crushes her world by informing her that he is deploying for war. Consequently, Abigail reluctantly decides to keep her pregnancy a secret so Christian can focus on keeping himself alive.
When wounded in battle, Christian learns he can no longer father children, thus his promise of making Abigail a mother haunts his soul. Struggling to accept his calamity, Christian cannot bring himself to tell Abigail about his injury even as she pleads for him to come home. Believing Christian should return for love and not for a sense of obligation, Abigail wrongly decides not to tell him about the birth of their progeny.
With their marriage on the verge of collapsing, God intervenes and sends two special travelers to bring Christian back home to his family.
After Drew finishes his story, he is unsure if Nicole can forgive God. That is, until a unique present appears under the Christmas tree from an invented character in his story. A gift with the power to restore what Nicole had lost – her faith.
THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of literary fiction. A completed manuscript is available upon your request. I look forward to working with you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)