QUERY- REVERSAL OF PROVIDENCE- 3rd Revision

Click here to read the original query.

Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.

(same thing here- the word 'really' is meant to be in italics

Thanks for the help and feedback to this point- I really appreciate it.)

Ex-Army security expert Ryan Anderson thought it was just his bad luck when a careless truck rammed into his car. He had no idea how dangerous its cargo was- or who was behind it.

But when the men in the truck brutally attack him, Ryan retaliates with the help of beautiful attorney Jessica Webb. Turns out she's the smart one. The one who figures out that it's not just the Chechens they have to worry about, but the really bad man who paid them to ferry their illicit shipment to Seattle from half a world away.

Working together, Ryan and Jessica quickly realize it wasn't just a random accident, but part of a sinister scheme set in motion by the fall of the Soviet Union, decades ago. They uncover a bloody trail that leads from Washington to the Sudan to Moscow, when Jessica suddenly disappears. Turns out he's the brave one. The one who knows that unless he can find her, and stop the one man who started it all, they'll both be dead by first light. Ashes, actually.

REVERSAL OF PROVIDENCE is an 84,000-WORD thriller, first in a series. Readers of authors like Vince Flynn, Frederick Forsyth, and Daniel Silva might enjoy this book.

I have a BA in English from the University of Iowa. Like my protagonist Ryan Anderson, I am a 'security expert'. I own a business specializing in products for video surveillance.

Thank you for reviewing this query.

QUERY- REVERSAL OF PROVIDENCE- 2nd REVISION

Click here to read the original query.

Click here to read the first revision.

(author's note- I could not make it work on this posting- the word "really" is meant to be in italics here)

Security expert Ryan Anderson thought it was just his bad luck when a careless truck rammed into his car. He had no idea how dangerous its cargo was- or who was behind it.

But when the men in the truck brutally attack him, Ryan retaliates with the help of beautiful attorney Jessica Webb. Turns out she's the smart one. The one who figures out that it's not just the Chechens they have to worry about, but the really bad men who paid them to ferry their illicit shipment from half a world away.

Jessica is drawn closer to Ryan, and they uncover a trail that leads from Seattle to Moscow. They quickly realize it wasn't just a random accident, but part of sinister scheme set in motion by the fall of the Soviet Union, decades ago.

And unless they find a way to stop the one man who started it all, they'll both be dead by first light. Ashes, actually.

REVERSAL OF PROVIDENCE is an 84,000-WORD thriller, first in a series. Readers of authors like Vince Flynn, Frederick Forsyth, and Daniel Silva might enjoy this book.

I have a BA in English from the University of Iowa. Like my protagonist Ryan Anderson, I am a 'security expert'. I own a business specializing in products for video surveillance.

Thank you for reviewing this query.

QUERY -- ACES

A British tennis star’s prolific career is derailed by her all-consuming love for the gifted American wunderkind. As her world spirals out of control, she must choose—phenomenal career or personal happiness?

World-famous tennis star Gemma Lennon wants to be recognized as one of the best in the sport, but without a grand slam, she risks going down as another celebrity-athlete who is more celebrity than athlete. After a devastating loss against Venus Williams at the French Open, she hits emotional bottom. It is during this low that Gemma falls for Andre Reyes, the young and gifted American businessman.

Gemma and Andre have built extraordinary careers on planning, discipline, and focus. But from their first encounter in Paris to subsequent meetings across the globe, logic and reason are replaced with youthful joy and passion. They find that overcoming their competitive and uncompromising natures in their relationship is further exacerbated when the worlds of competitive tennis and global consulting are threatened by the implications of their love affair. Now, Wimbledon looms. Gemma’s country and her sponsors expect their young star to win it all. She, however, is sinking under the mounting pressure. Meanwhile, Andre faces his own pressures to focus on his contractual commitment to the firm—his employer will do anything to assure Andre remains focused.

Their relationship destabilizes the grinding machine—competitive play, sponsors, employers, clients, media, and their own professional ambitions—until their worlds collide in a dramatic conclusion.

ACES (commercial fiction) is complete at 94,000 words. This is my first novel. I’ve included the first five pages below, and I can supply the entire manuscript if desired.

Thank you for your consideration.

QUERY- WORLD BOOK (2nd Revision)

Click here to read the original query.

Click here to read the first revision.

Another new version. I'm not sure if I should base future revisions off of this style or the previous matter-of-fact plot description. Is this one more exciting to read?


Dear Agent,

Everyone obeys the World Book. Everyone in the Kingdoms of the Land, Air, and Sea. If you don’t, you get thrown to the magistrate. And if you break the High Laws, you’re killed. Seth doesn’t mind, for the most part. As long as you follow the rules you stay safe and well fed with your family. It’s hard to miss freedom when you’ve never had it.

Kinessa doesn’t think so. She’s brave, rebellious, and angry with the World Book – everything Seth is not. She shows up in Seth’s backyard, claiming to have amnesia, but Seth is pretty sure she’s lying. Eventually, though, Kinessa’s crazy ideas about the World Book get him thinking. Why can’t he explore the woods and visit the beach? Why does he have to accept the World Book without questions? But when Kinessa changes into a sea serpent in front of him, Seth realizes that she has a broader plan then breaking a few rules.

Kinessa says she wants to start a revolution in the King’s City. Seth is hesitant to back her plan, but he knows he can’t go back to his previous life. A few people start to listen to her ideas, but when the authorities catch up to them Seth must rely on his own intelligence and courage to save them all.

WORLD BOOK is a completed 32,000 word fantasy for middle grade readers.

QUERY- A HUMAN ELEMENT (3rd revision) Commercial Fiction

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.


Thank you for all your advice!

Dear Agent,

Laura Armstrong’s special mind powers can’t save her loved ones from being murdered and she must unravel her past to face the killer – only to discover they are bonded by an explosive destiny that slammed into the Earth 30 years ago.

A grief-stricken Laura returns home seeking answers. She feels connected to the lake there where a meteorite crashed the night she was conceived – the same night Ben Fieldstone’s parents were crushed to death under it. Laura finds him at the lake searching for answers too. Drawn to one another, Ben and Laura discover what fell from the sky long ago held more than just rock and that they are connected by fate. When Laura’s true identity is revealed, they find that the killer who wants her dead is part of their future spanning two worlds. With the killer closing in, Laura fears she must use her powers and fight him alone or Ben will die too like so many others she loved. But if they survive, she fears she can’t give her heart to Ben now that he knows who – and what – she really is.

I am seeking representation of A HUMAN ELEMENT, a 120,000-word suspense novel. I would appreciate the opportunity to send you the entire manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Query-The Eye of Tanúb (revised)

Click here to read the original query.

Thrust into a world he never knew was real, thirteen year old Zach Marriott must overcome the scorn of his sister, the physical appetites of his chubby body, and a brutally savage Warlord.

In THE EYE OF TANÚB, an 83,000 word YA fantasy, Zach is magically drawn into his favorite online computer game, Warlord. He learns he is destined take the place of the last living Ancient of that exhilarating, deadly world. To return home, he must complete the impossible quest to obtain the Eye of Tanúb, but he's not sure he wants to go home. In the game he is strong, powerful and revered. At home . . . not so much. In the end, he must confront his worst enemies: his pudgy body, his bratty sister who accidentally comes along for the ride and attracts misfortune at every turn, and ultimately, his desire to return home.

My book combines the online gaming culture of our youth today with the traditional conventions of a young adult fantasy novel. I graduated from the Longridge Writer's Course in December 2010, am a member of the League of Utah Writers, and write weekly on my blog, A Writer's Reality.

Thank you so much for taking the time to consider my query. I look forward to hearing from you.

Query-The Eye of Tanúb

Thrust into a world he never knew was real, a young, chubby teen must overcome the scorn of his sister, his physical appetites, and the brutally savage Warlord.

In this 83,000 word YA fantasy, thirteen year old Zach Marriott is magically drawn into his favorite online computer game, Warlord, and learns he is destined take the place of the last living Ancient of that exhilarating, deadly world. To return home, he must complete the impossible quest to obtain the Eye of Tanúb, but why would he want to go home? In the game he is strong, powerful and revered. In the end, he must confront his worst enemies: his pudgy body, his bratty sister who accidentally comes along for the ride, and ultimately, the desire to return home.

I wrote The Eye of Tanúb trying to imagine what it would be like to be pulled into a modern computer game like World of Warcraft or Halo. My book combines the online gaming culture of our youth today with the traditional conventions of a young adult fantasy novel. I graduated from the Longridge Writer's Course in December 2010, am a member of the League of Utah Writers, and write weekly on my blog, A Writer's Reality.

Thank you so much for taking the time to consider my query. I look forward to hearing from you.

Melissa J Cunningham
www.melissajcunningham.blogspot.com

QUERY- REVERSAL OF PROVIDENCE- 1st Revision

Click here to read the original query.

Ryan Anderson, salesman in a hurry to deliver a critical proposal, turns livid when a careless truck driver backs into his BMW, mangling it.

He got even more angry when the driver, a stammering foreigner, gave him a bad phone number, and then tried to ditch him. So Ryan went after him, determined that the driver was going to fix his car.

But Ryan wouldn't have gone after him, if he knew where the man was from. Or what was in the truck. Or that the driver would quickly turn and go after him, and the beautiful young attorney he hooks up with later that night.

She was just supposed to be a one-night stand- until Jessica Webb saves him from men with foot-long knives who attack them at his house. Turns out she's the smart one. The one who quickly figures out it's not just the Chechens they have to worry about, but the really bad guys who paid them to ferry their illicit cargo. And unless they find a way to stop the second group, they'll both be dead by Monday morning.

Ryan and Jessica race against the clock in Seattle as they uncover a plan created by competing factions of Chechen militants and al-Qaeda to incite an all-out war between their two most hated enemies, the United States and Russia.

REVERSAL OF PROVIDENCE is an 84,000-WORD thriller, with elements of political intrigue and spy craft. Readers of authors like Vince Flynn, Frederick Forsyth, Daniel Silva, and David Morrell might enjoy this book.

I have a BA in English from the University of Iowa. Like my protagonist Ryan Anderson, I am a 'security expert'. I own a business specializing in products for video surveillance.

Thank you for reviewing this query.

QUERY – SOLDIERS OF EARTH: NEPHILIM WARS (2nd revision)

Click here to read the original query.

Click here to read the first revision.

I submitted my first two revisions a while ago (under the title Nephilim Wars), and got some really good feedback. I’ve spent a while working on this as well as changing and adding to my story. I have also spent some time getting a better understanding of how to present my novel. Thanks again for all the feedback!

Dear [Agent name],

Captain Nolan Fields of the United States Marine Core is the only survivor of his last mission. His reward? Command of the fabled Alpha Company Recon Marines. Their first mission together is security for negotiations between Earth and a distant planet, Aztlan. Through an ancient portal connecting our two planets knights and wizards have traveled to Earth, seeking help.
But the enemy has followed them to Earth. They attack, changing two of Captain Fields’ men into Neila monsters and abducting another. Determined to save his men Captain Fields and his marines travel to Aztlan.
As they search the foreign landscape they find a human castle besieged by the grey Nephilim aliens. This technologically advanced race seeks the destruction of humanity whether they are from Aztlan or Earth. Captain Fields and his marines intervene saving the castle and starting a war.
But the very humans Captain Fields seeks to help betray them and the Nephilim capture the portal back to Earth. Now, Captain Fields must fight to secure the way home. But his biggest challenge is coming to terms with the fact that he cannot bring all him men home alive.
Soldiers of Earth: Nephilim Wars is the first of a completed Science Fiction / Fantasy trilogy at 90,000 words. I have not been published before.

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Best wishes,

QUERY - WORLD BOOK (Revised)

Click here to read the original query.

Dear Agent,

Seth was good at following the rules. He obeyed his parents, performed his nightly vows, and observed the laws in the World Book with pride – until he met Kinessa.

The Kingdoms of the Land, Air, and Sea follow the World Book – a list of oppressive laws designed to keep peace throughout the Kingdoms. Kinessa, a thirteen-year-old stranger claiming to have amnesia, believes these laws need to change. When Seth’s family shelters Kinessa, her blatant disregard for the World Book initially frightens Seth, but he is intrigued by her rebellious ideas. For the first time he dares to explore the woods in his backyard and visit the ocean, but he faints from shock when Kinessa reveals she’s from the Kingdom of the Sea by changing into a sea serpent.

Kinessa tells Seth that she came to the land, a crime punishable by death, to spy on a secret meeting between the Kings and their heirs. Seth follows her to the meeting, but grows skeptical of her plan when she decides to convince the Crown Prince of the Air to join their side. The prince’s bloodthirsty nature leads to a deadly confrontation, and they barely escape with their lives. Kinessa comes up with another reckless plan and decides to start a revolution in the King’s City of the land. A few people begin to listen to their ideas, but when the Crown Prince catches up to them Seth must rely on his own intelligence and courage to save them all.

WORLD BOOK is a completed 32,000 word fantasy for middle grade readers. I have one published short story in Byline Magazine.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Query- Lizzie Brogan and The Broadway Ghost

When Elizabeth "Lizzie" Brogan returns home from an extended trip, her Aunt Annie May greets her with a request. She asks Lizzie to help her get to the stage door of The Belasco Theatre by first call to meet her true love, Dan "Curly" O'Brien. This should be a simple task, but for the fact that Annie, once a successful musical star on Broadway, has been dead for twenty-seven years.

Annie lives in a giant tramp steamer trunk, the same trunk Lizzie takes on her travels for eight years. At the end of their last trip, Lizzie learns it is not only the ghost of Annie May and the other ghosts of Broadway who need her help, it is also her living love-ones. 

The predictable life Lizzie left behind has vanished, she must learn to face the failures of her past, help Annie May and her mother, and confront her true feelings for James, her childhood sweetheart.

A love story of parallel worlds, Lizzie Brogan and The Broadway Ghost, a paranormal romance complete at 80,000 words, attempts to pair two lovers in our world and reunite two lost lovers in the afterworld.

I participated in xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx  blog fest, and wanted to take this opportunity to follow up with my query. I read in your post on Guide To Literary Agents, that you are interested in …" xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.

What sets Lizzie apart is the theme of the New York City Broadway stage. Based on a true story, The Ghosts of Broadway, by Robert Viagas, June 10, 2005, written for Playbill.com, the afterworld in Lizzie takes place at the landmark Belasco Theatre and features the ghost of David Belasco, The Bishop of Broadway himself. It offers a glimpse of an afterworld where the show is always in rehearsal and the lights never go out.   

The first xxxxxxxxx follow. Thank you for your consideration.  

Repectfully,

Florence Fois

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The dark corners of the attic became my secret playground. Too young to play with my siblings, I dug through their possessions, the rows of boxes filled with my sister's and brother's childhood keepsakes, an old prom dress that Moira had worn, my brother Michael's football uniform. I imagined a dozen stories of them while I played with their trophies, and spent hours sorting their photographs. None could compare to the treasures held in the giant trunk and no stories as fantastic as those of my Aunt Annie May. 

The first time I saw her, was a cold day in winter that trapped us in the house, and while outside snow fell in sheets, and wind and ice assaulted the windowpanes, inside Esther baked me chocolate fudge brownies, and I planned a day of playing dress-up. I was eight, went in search of my sister's pompoms, and spent most of the morning in the corner of the attic pretending to be a cheerleader. I heard my mother coming up the stairs and hid behind a row of boxes.

She was talking to the front of the trunk, the way you talk to a person across the table at breakfast. "This weather is about to drive me mad." If there was another person in the room, I didn't hear them. I could only hear my mother's voice. "Aye sister, stay out of the blasted fog."

After my mother left, I walked to the opposite corner, where the giant tramp steamer trunk sat, nestled under the cross beams of the roof. I thought I saw her smile and talked to her. "Hello?"

A clear image of a woman turned and waved, "Hello yourself, Elizabeth."

I remember I wasn't afraid, only excited that I had seen her at last. "Don't run away, Aunt Annie. I'm Elizabeth, your niece. I'm sure mom told you about me."

I looked up and she was perched on one of the rafters. "She did at that, child."

"You're a ghost?"

"Sorry to say, yes I am." And in an instant, the smoke curled downward into the trunk and vanished.

"Aunt Annie?" She was gone.

QUERY- REVERSAL OF PROVIDENCE

What if, purely by accident, a young man stumbles into a terrorist plot that was set in motion decades ago by the fall of the Soviet Union?

REVERSAL OF PROVIDENCE is an 84,000-word thriller, with elements of political intrigue and spy craft. Readers of authors like Frederick Forsyth, Daniel Silva, Vince Flynn, and David Morrell's spy fiction might enjoy this book.

Ryan Anderson, salesman in a hurry, turns livid when when a careless semi-truck driver backs into his BMW, mangling it.

He got even more angry when the driver gave him a bad phone number, and then tried to ditch him. So Ryan went after him, determined that the driver was going to pay to fix his car.

But Ryan wouldn't have gone after the driver, if he knew where the man was from. Or what was in the truck. Or that the driver would quickly turn and go after him, and the beautiful young attorney he enlists for help.

Ryan and Jessica Web race against the clock in Seattle as they learn of a plan created by factions of Chechen militants and al-Qaeda to incite an all-out war between their two most hated enemies, the United States and Russia.

REVERSAL OF PROVIDENCE is the first in a planned series featuring the duo of Jessica Webb and Ryan Anderson. I have completed the outline for the second book, REFUSAL TO COMPLY. My goal is to create a modern, intelligent spy couple's adventures.

I have a BA in English literature from the University of Iowa. Like my protagonist Ryan Anderson, I am a 'security expert'. I own a manufacturer rep business specializing in security products for video surveillance, and this allows me to blend in some technical detail and insight on the future of a world where someone is always watching.

Thank you very much for reviewing this query.
Mark D. Niehus
mdniehus@gmail.com
206-380-0082

COMMERCIAL FICTION QUERY: A HUMAN ELEMENT (3rd version)

Click here to read the original query.

Click here to read the first revision.

Dear Agent,

Laura can’t escape death. Her parents were burned alive, her best friend’s throat was ripped out and her boss’s brains were blown out across her face. And she doesn’t know why. She fears the killer is the one who chases her in nightmares – and she must stop him or be next.

The mystery could be connected to the meteorite that hit her hometown lake almost thirty years ago. Ben Fieldstone thinks so. He was there the night his parents were crushed under it. Laura finds him when she returns home to search the lake for answers. Drawn to one another they discover they are bound by fate, as Laura’s true identity is revealed. Together, they unravel her past to discover the man who wants her dead is part of a destiny she never could have imagined. With the killer closing in, Laura realizes she must fight him alone to save them both. But if they survive, she fears she can’t give her heart to Ben now that he knows who she really is.

I am seeking representation of A HUMAN ELEMENT, a 120,000-word suspense novel. I would appreciate the opportunity to send you the entire manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Query- Assassin's Redemption REv. 3

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.

Dear Agent,

Death goes by many names, but one of them is Etienne de Villaine.

An angelic assassin by profession, Etienne and his wife Nel run a business hunting demons, fallen angels, and mortal scum who escape human justice. Using guns, knives, and poisons they administer the only effective solution to the vermin of the world—death. But when another assassin murders the leaders of Israel, Iran, Turkmenistan, and the Ukraine, Etienne must shift from assassin to savior and hunt down the killer in order to avoid a world war.

Etienne sets a trap using the president of Russia as bait, but the mysterious assassin anticipates the ambush. While the president survives, Nel is injured and the assassin escapes. However, the assassin’s identity is no longer a mystery. His name is Munkar, Etienne’s brother who went insane with bloodlust a thousand years ago.

Etienne and Nel return to their Chicago home, so Nel can recover, but Munkar follows them, intent on revenge. Etienne stumbles on Munkar while he lunches at a restaurant and tries to talk sense to him, but Munkar responds by vowing to start Armageddon and kill Etienne. His attempt to kill Etienne fails, but that only drives him to expand his worldwide killing spree. Etienne realizes Munk’s massacres are meant to draw him out, daring him to a death duel. But the final nail into the coffin of motivation comes when Munk threatens Nel. Etienne must head off world annihilation and protect Nel, but stopping his brother may cost one of them their souls.

I am seeking representation for my 91,000 word supernatural thriller, ASSASSIN’S REDEMPTION. Professionally, I am a molecular biologist employed by a biotechnology company. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely yours,

QUERY- WORLD BOOK

Dear Agent,

Seth was good at following the rules. He obeyed his parents, performed his nightly vows, and observed the laws in the World Book with pride – until he met Kinessa.

Seth’s world is turned upside down as Kinessa challenges him to question everything he believes in. He neglects his readings, plays on the beach and explores the woods in his backyard for the first time. Eventually Kinessa leaves, but she confronts him with a choice – go back to your previous life or come with me.

The friends embark on an adventure to change the three Kingdoms. But as Seth follows Kinessa on her quest to destroy the World Book he soon learns that change is never as easy as it seems.

World Book is a completed 32,000 word fantasy for middle grade readers. I have one published short story in Byline Magazine.

Thank you for your time and consideration. If you are interested feel free to contact me by phone or email.

Sincerely,

Jessica

-----

Anyone willing to read the first few pages? I'll be glad to post them here.

COMMERCIAL FICTION QUERY: A HUMAN ELEMENT (2ND VERSION)

Click here to read the original query.

Dear Agent,

At 26 Laura Armstrong can’t escape death. Her parents were burned alive, her best friend’s throat was ripped out and her boss’s head was blown off in her lap. And she doesn’t know why. Could the evil man who chases her in nightmares be the killer? Then there’s the man in black who watches her from afar. His mysterious notes tell her she must use her special powers to save herself as she is next, leaving Laura with more questions than answers.

Could it all be connected to the meteor that hit her hometown lake nearly 30 years ago? Ben Fieldstone thinks so. He was there the night his parents were crushed under it. Laura finds him there when she visits the lake, searching for answers. Drawn to one another, they discover they are bound by fate, confirmed by the man in black who reveals Laura’s true identity and the secret about the meteor – and that the man who wants her dead is part of her destiny too.

With the killer closing in fast, Laura decides she must fight him alone using her special powers to save them. But if they survive can destiny redirect itself and can Laura give her heart to Ben if he knows what she really is?

I am seeking representation of my first novel, A HUMAN ELEMENT, a 120,000-word commercial mainstream dark novel. I would appreciate the opportunity to send you the entire manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.

COMMERCIAL FICTION QUERY: A HUMAN ELEMENT

Dear Agent,

I am seeking your representation of A HUMAN ELEMENT, a 120,000-word commercial mainstream dark novel in the tradition of Dean Koontz.

Laura Armstrong discovers her special powers as a child only to endure a life of tragedy as those she loves are gruesomely murdered and she must unravel her past to face the monster that stalks her and the man she loves – all bonded by a destiny they never could have imagined.

At 26 Laura can’t escape death. Her parents were burned alive, her best friend’s throat was ripped out and her boss’s head was blown off in her lap. And she doesn’t know why. Could the monster in her nightmares be the killer? Then there’s the man in black who watches her from afar. His mysterious notes tell her she must use her powers to save herself, leaving Laura with more questions than answers.

Could it all be connected to the meteor that hit her hometown lake nearly 30 years ago? Ben Fieldstone thinks so. He was there the night his parents were crushed under it and spent the rest of his life haunted by their deaths. He returns to the lake to find peace but also finds himself opening his heart to love when he meets Laura there seeking answers too. Drawn to one another, they discover they are bound by fate, confirmed by the man in black who reveals Laura’s true identity and the secret about the meteor – and that the monster who wants her dead is part of who she is.

With the escaped killer closing in fast, Laura knows only she can fight the monster with her powers and save them. But if they survive can destiny redirect itself luckily so, and can Laura give her heart to Ben knowing what she really is?

This is my first novel and I would appreciate the opportunity to send you the entire manuscript of A HUMAN ELEMENT. I am a freelance writer for an advertising agency and a former marketing communications manager.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Chap 4

He swung his backpack over his shoulder then glanced back at the bare room that didn’t belong to him. He fought off self-pity. Then he slowly opened the door and listened. He heard the murmur of the television. Its ghostly light poured from Frank’s bedroom.

Ben tiptoed to the door. He saw Frank sitting in bed, his eyes shut. He had passed out. A cigarette hung from his fingers, the ash still glowing. The television flickered, canned laughter filled the room. Ben kept his eyes on that cigarette. The ash grew. And then the cigarette fell.

It seemed to hang in the air then tumbled in slow-motion onto the sheets. Nothing happened. Then the sheets smoldered. Laughter rang out again. Ben glanced at the television. Some character ran around a kitchen. Ben’s gaze returned to that fallen cigarette, eyes unblinking. Minutes passed. It seemed like hours to him.

He knew he needed to choose. Run or pick up the cigarette and prevent the certain fire? If he did nothing and Frank died, would he be a murderer? But Frank could have killed him just now. Might still kill him, or worse, if he ever caught him. He continued to stare where the cigarette fell.

The flames burst up from the sheets and fanned along the comforter framing Frank in a soft glow. They hungrily licked through the old bedspread until Frank’s image blurred. He looked so serene, so harmless. Ben felt free and safe seeing him like that.

And he knew then. He had to live. He wanted to live. He ran.

Query- Assassin's Redemption (First revision)

Click here to read the original query.

Let's see how this works:

Dear Agent,

Death goes by many names, but one of them is Etienne de Villaine.

When the presidents of Israel, Iran, and Turkmenistan are assassinated by a sniper, Etienne and his wife Nel attempt to stop the killer and avert a war. They’re a step too late to save the Ukrainian president, but catch a glimpse of the assassin who looks familiar to Etienne.

The son of the North Korean president is murdered next, raising global tensions to the verge of world war. While setting a trap baited with the Russian president, Etienne realizes the assassin is his brother, the fallen angel Munkar. Etienne and Nel foil the assassination, but Nel is injured and the assassin escapes.

The couple returns to their Chicago home, so Nel can recover, but Etienne discovers Munkar has followed them. Munkar vows to kill Etienne then set off World War Three. But nothing prepares Etienne for Munkar’s confession to the murder of his two previous wives. As if that isn’t enough for Etienne to pursue him to a death duel, Munk drives a nail into the coffin of motivation by threatening Nel. Etienne must head off a world war and protect Nel, but stopping his brother may cost one of them their souls.

I am seeking representation for my 91,000 word supernatural thriller, ASSASSIN’S REDEMPTION. Professionally, I am a molecular biologist employed by a biotechnology company. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely yours,

Query - 1st Awakenings, Fantasy

Dear Agent,


Normal is:

Loathing the thought of sitting through another boring lecture.
Thinking about the cute girl across the study hall.
Knowing you may be an assassin’s next target.
Taking ballroom dance lessons because your mom insists on it.
Learning martial arts because your dad insists on it.
Obsessing about the day you awaken to your magic.


Seventeen year old Seth is trying desperately to be normal, and for the most part he’s pulling it off. He can take a punch as well as any of his friends despite secretly hating it. Nobody knows about the dreams he’s been having that come true after he has them, or that he’s being taught magic by people who are supposed to be dead.


Only his best friend Drake really knows him, and even Drake doesn’t know everything.


As his friends start awakening to their magic Seth begins to wonder if he will even survive long enough to awaken. Until he does, his secret lessons are meaningless.


Seth finally awakens to his magic with the help of a newborn dragon friend, but something doesn’t feel right. His magic is not working the way his teachers said it would. To top things off, the light of the sun has been blacked out. This is normal of course, it happens every year, but it has never lasted this long.


The season of darkness extends to being measured in weeks rather than its typical days. Then Seth feels a pull towards something far away in the darkness. Every day that pull gets stronger. He knows he is going to leave to find out what it is. The problem is, so does Drake. Does he allow Drake to tag along? Or does he leave his friend behind and go this one alone?


1ST AWAKENINGS is my debut fantasy novel, complete at 172,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

(redacted)

Query- The Thief's Girl

Of all the things Charlotte thought would happen when she ran away from home, ending up in the middle of a feud between a housebreaker and the Chief of Police wasn’t one of them.

After Alessia DiSpirito takes Charlotte under her wing, Charlotte thinks she’s finally caught a break. Life isn’t easy as an amateur thief, and DiSpirito claims she can teach Charlotte how it’s done.

Alessia DiSpirito, commonly known as The Spirit, a thief famous for never leaving a trail, has long been notorious. Lucky for her, the papers – not to mention the police – aren’t privy to some of the more shocking truths about her, especially the fact that she is a woman. But the secrets that have saved Alessia from arrest are endangered when she agrees to teach Charlotte how a thief should live.

When Charlotte accidentally tries to pick the pocket of the Chief of Police, he decides to try to turn her into a spy in DiSpirito’s den. But Charlotte’s loyalty to DiSpirito can’t be swayed. What’s more, DiSpirito knows that two can play that game, she tells Charlotte to distract him from his investigation of her.

This would all be a lot easier for Charlotte if her new association with the Chief of Police – and curse it all, a thief cannot become friends with a policeman – weren’t making it much too hard to balance her thief self and her pre-pickpocket past.

The Thief’s Girl is a Young Adult novel complete at 75,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

(Thanks)