Blind Pig
The unexpected discovery of a bag of money is just the beginning, as Alan tries to stay one step ahead of a drug dealer, the mob and NYPD. A crime story with a twist - suspense, romance and humor.
Accidentally stumbling onto a drug sale, Alan is forced to kill in self-defense. Fleeing with a satchel of 'appropriated' loot, he battles the drug kingpin who hopes to recoup his loss and the mobster who financed the deal.
All that might have been easy — except that his girl friend is the NYPD detective assigned to make sense of the case, which rather complicates the romance.
I grew up in Colorado and spent the 60s in Greenwich village and Little Italy. Familiarity with the West and friendships with various NYers, savory and otherwise, has allowed me to create authentic characters to populate genuine locales.
I greatly appreciate your time and consideration. The completed manuscript is available on request.
Jan 13, 2010
Query DESOLATION
Dear Secret Agent Man:
I believe you would be interested in my YA urban fantasy DESOLATION, complete at 84,000 words.
It’s time for the devil’s daughter to join the family business of ruining lives and stealing souls, but sixteen-year-old Desolation Black only wants to do good.
Desi knows she’s part demon, but what she doesn’t know is that she’s also part angel. Caught in a power struggle between her father, Luke Black, and his minions, Desi feels destined to bring death and destruction wherever she goes. Until angel and love-of-her-heart Michael shows up to help her remember who she really is.
Reginald Knowles, Luke’s right-hand-man, convinces Desi that she can make a grand gesture for good—a singular act only she can perform that will allow the Fallen Angels to be forgiven. Only after she reads from the Book of Life does Desi realize she’s been tricked and she’s just granted demons the right to possess the bodies of the children of God.
Desi will never be a normal teenage girl. But she can be good—at a cost. With Michael’s help, the balance between heaven and hell could be restored, but the price may be too high for Desi to pay.
DESOLATION is a fast-paced story that mingles the edginess of Wicked Lovely and the vision of Hush, Hush to create it’s own dark love story at the end of the world.
If you would like to consider DESOLATION, I’ll happily forward the complete manuscript to you at your request. An outline for a potential sequel is also available.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Ali Cross
ali@alicross.com
PHONE NUMBER
I believe you would be interested in my YA urban fantasy DESOLATION, complete at 84,000 words.
It’s time for the devil’s daughter to join the family business of ruining lives and stealing souls, but sixteen-year-old Desolation Black only wants to do good.
Desi knows she’s part demon, but what she doesn’t know is that she’s also part angel. Caught in a power struggle between her father, Luke Black, and his minions, Desi feels destined to bring death and destruction wherever she goes. Until angel and love-of-her-heart Michael shows up to help her remember who she really is.
Reginald Knowles, Luke’s right-hand-man, convinces Desi that she can make a grand gesture for good—a singular act only she can perform that will allow the Fallen Angels to be forgiven. Only after she reads from the Book of Life does Desi realize she’s been tricked and she’s just granted demons the right to possess the bodies of the children of God.
Desi will never be a normal teenage girl. But she can be good—at a cost. With Michael’s help, the balance between heaven and hell could be restored, but the price may be too high for Desi to pay.
DESOLATION is a fast-paced story that mingles the edginess of Wicked Lovely and the vision of Hush, Hush to create it’s own dark love story at the end of the world.
If you would like to consider DESOLATION, I’ll happily forward the complete manuscript to you at your request. An outline for a potential sequel is also available.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Ali Cross
ali@alicross.com
PHONE NUMBER
Query: Out of Time (1st revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Drew Evans, a police officer in one of St. Paul's worst gang-infested precincts, is working at the Republican National Convention when he finds himself drawn to a solitary man. Something about the man doesn’t look right. Watching him leave, he spots the glint of metal under the man’s seat, bringing a momentary vision of the Unibomber. No worries though, it’s only a cell phone that Drew pockets, planning to leave it with the lost & found.
Fighting with a burglary suspect the following week, the phone falls from his vest pocket. Recognizing it as the phone from the convention, Drew hits the re-dial button to track down the owner, when a wave of vertigo hits. When he’s able to stand, Drew find that he’s no longer leaning against his squad car; he’s in an alley. Noise draws him out of the alley; there are helicopters circling overhead and cops in full riot gear. It becomes clear that he’s back at the Republican National Convention—which ended a week ago. Stunned, Drew stares at the phone in his hand. Could he really have made a call bringing him to the past? Pressing the end button, the vertigo returns and he’s back leaning against his squad car.
Presented with an opportunity like no other, Drew makes the decision to use the device to travel back to visit his father, renowned musician Doc Evans, who died during Drew’s teenage years. Drew chooses to visit his father in 1947 Chicago at a pivotal time of his father’s life when he becomes a star headlining the Jazz Ltd nightclub. Of course things never go as planned—that Murphy guy got it right—and when Drew interferes with a robbery, it causes the Chicago mob to have a newfound interest in the club. Now, caught in the middle, Drew must use his experience with combating gangs to force the Chicago mob away from the club to save his father’s future—while risking the opportunity to connect with his father.
OUT OF TIME, an adventure novel complete at 75,000 words, will appeal to fans of Michael Crichton and Clive Cussler. This is an adventure story that has time travel, but isn’t science fiction—in the same sort of way The Time Traveler’s Wife wasn’t a science fiction story. Think of it as Mike Hammer meets Chris Hughes (the main character of Timeline).
Having written professionally for the last ten years in advertising and marketing, I’ve learned the value of powerful ideas and concise execution.
Thank you for your consideration,
Allan Evans
Drew Evans, a police officer in one of St. Paul's worst gang-infested precincts, is working at the Republican National Convention when he finds himself drawn to a solitary man. Something about the man doesn’t look right. Watching him leave, he spots the glint of metal under the man’s seat, bringing a momentary vision of the Unibomber. No worries though, it’s only a cell phone that Drew pockets, planning to leave it with the lost & found.
Fighting with a burglary suspect the following week, the phone falls from his vest pocket. Recognizing it as the phone from the convention, Drew hits the re-dial button to track down the owner, when a wave of vertigo hits. When he’s able to stand, Drew find that he’s no longer leaning against his squad car; he’s in an alley. Noise draws him out of the alley; there are helicopters circling overhead and cops in full riot gear. It becomes clear that he’s back at the Republican National Convention—which ended a week ago. Stunned, Drew stares at the phone in his hand. Could he really have made a call bringing him to the past? Pressing the end button, the vertigo returns and he’s back leaning against his squad car.
Presented with an opportunity like no other, Drew makes the decision to use the device to travel back to visit his father, renowned musician Doc Evans, who died during Drew’s teenage years. Drew chooses to visit his father in 1947 Chicago at a pivotal time of his father’s life when he becomes a star headlining the Jazz Ltd nightclub. Of course things never go as planned—that Murphy guy got it right—and when Drew interferes with a robbery, it causes the Chicago mob to have a newfound interest in the club. Now, caught in the middle, Drew must use his experience with combating gangs to force the Chicago mob away from the club to save his father’s future—while risking the opportunity to connect with his father.
OUT OF TIME, an adventure novel complete at 75,000 words, will appeal to fans of Michael Crichton and Clive Cussler. This is an adventure story that has time travel, but isn’t science fiction—in the same sort of way The Time Traveler’s Wife wasn’t a science fiction story. Think of it as Mike Hammer meets Chris Hughes (the main character of Timeline).
Having written professionally for the last ten years in advertising and marketing, I’ve learned the value of powerful ideas and concise execution.
Thank you for your consideration,
Allan Evans
QUERY- CEDARS
Cedars is a 70,000 word character-driven historical novel, in which a twelve-year-old girl has to cope with the loss of her mother and find her own future.
In Ohio and Colorado in the 1880s, Liza has to run her home and tend her younger siblings, then hire out to do the same for another widower's family. At 15, she sets out on her own for Colorado, discovering romance en route. At 16, she becomes a reporter, marries and starts a newspaper. Quite successful in whatever she does, she still feels unfulfilled and gives it all up to live alone in the wilderness. Befriended and taught by the local Indians, she learns how to survive on her own, prosper and eventually blossom into womanhood. Along the way, she rehabilitates a few broken people, helps the Indians deal with the white man's world and discovers who she is and how she has to live her life.
I grew up in Colorado, weaned on tales of hardship and survival, hardrock mining and cattle rustlers, self-sufficiency and courage. A lot of those tales were part of my family's history.
I greatly appreciate your time and consideration. The entire manuscript or portions thereof are available on request.
Sincerely yours,
The author
In Ohio and Colorado in the 1880s, Liza has to run her home and tend her younger siblings, then hire out to do the same for another widower's family. At 15, she sets out on her own for Colorado, discovering romance en route. At 16, she becomes a reporter, marries and starts a newspaper. Quite successful in whatever she does, she still feels unfulfilled and gives it all up to live alone in the wilderness. Befriended and taught by the local Indians, she learns how to survive on her own, prosper and eventually blossom into womanhood. Along the way, she rehabilitates a few broken people, helps the Indians deal with the white man's world and discovers who she is and how she has to live her life.
I grew up in Colorado, weaned on tales of hardship and survival, hardrock mining and cattle rustlers, self-sufficiency and courage. A lot of those tales were part of my family's history.
I greatly appreciate your time and consideration. The entire manuscript or portions thereof are available on request.
Sincerely yours,
The author
Jan 11, 2010
Query: OUT OF TIME
Drew Evans, a sarcastic cop in one of St. Paul's crime ridden neighborhoods, was working at the Republican National Convention (RNC) when … Let’s let him tell you what happened.
“I’ve been called a cold bitter man. Personally, I think I just drink too much lemonade. After dealing with the riots the night before, I needed to be inside or else I would shoot someone. I was working security inside the Excel Center, when I saw him. You know how it is, when you see someone that is a bit off, something about a person just doesn’t look right? I was drawn to him, and after some awkward conversation, he ambles off lost in the crowd. The glint of metal under his seat brings a momentary vision of the Unibomber. No worries, though, it’s only a cell phone. I stash it my vest, forgetting to leave it with the lost & found.
“The following week, I’m in a fight with a burglary suspect. We’re rolling on the ground, trading punches as my backup makes a welcome appearance. The suspect is being hauled off when another cop tosses me a cell phone, thinking it’s mine. I recognize it as the one from the convention last week. I hit the re-dial button to track down the owner, when a wave of vertigo hits me, doubling me over. When I can stand, I find that I’m no longer leaning against my squad car; I’m in an alley. Noise draws me out of the alley and I find myself joining a crowd moving along a city street. There are helicopters circling overhead and cops in full riot gear. Unbelievably, I am back at the RNC—which ended a week ago. I am absolutely stunned. Did I just make a call to the past? If this is a call, I want it to end. Pressing the end button, I find myself back leaning against my squad. I’m back right where—and when—I was before I fell down the rabbit hole. Curiouser and curiouser.”
Presented with an opportunity like no other, Drew makes the decision to use the device to travel back to visit his father who died during Drew’s teenage years. It had been a difficult experience, so for Drew it was a no-brainer. Go back and see his father, renowned musician Doc Evans, right when he got his big break, headlining at the Jazz Ltd nightclub— in1947 Chicago. Of course things never go as planned—that Murphy guy got it right—and when the Chicago mob decides to have an interest in the club, Drew finds himself caught right in the middle.
Out of Time, my 75,000 word adventure novel, will appeal to fans of Michael Crichton. His novels have taught me that strong characters, tight plotting and page turning action are important ingredients to a successful novel. This is a time travel adventure that’s not a science fiction story.
Having written professionally for the last ten years in advertising and marketing, I’ve learned the value of powerful ideas and concise execution.
Thank you for your consideration,
Allan Evans
“I’ve been called a cold bitter man. Personally, I think I just drink too much lemonade. After dealing with the riots the night before, I needed to be inside or else I would shoot someone. I was working security inside the Excel Center, when I saw him. You know how it is, when you see someone that is a bit off, something about a person just doesn’t look right? I was drawn to him, and after some awkward conversation, he ambles off lost in the crowd. The glint of metal under his seat brings a momentary vision of the Unibomber. No worries, though, it’s only a cell phone. I stash it my vest, forgetting to leave it with the lost & found.
“The following week, I’m in a fight with a burglary suspect. We’re rolling on the ground, trading punches as my backup makes a welcome appearance. The suspect is being hauled off when another cop tosses me a cell phone, thinking it’s mine. I recognize it as the one from the convention last week. I hit the re-dial button to track down the owner, when a wave of vertigo hits me, doubling me over. When I can stand, I find that I’m no longer leaning against my squad car; I’m in an alley. Noise draws me out of the alley and I find myself joining a crowd moving along a city street. There are helicopters circling overhead and cops in full riot gear. Unbelievably, I am back at the RNC—which ended a week ago. I am absolutely stunned. Did I just make a call to the past? If this is a call, I want it to end. Pressing the end button, I find myself back leaning against my squad. I’m back right where—and when—I was before I fell down the rabbit hole. Curiouser and curiouser.”
Presented with an opportunity like no other, Drew makes the decision to use the device to travel back to visit his father who died during Drew’s teenage years. It had been a difficult experience, so for Drew it was a no-brainer. Go back and see his father, renowned musician Doc Evans, right when he got his big break, headlining at the Jazz Ltd nightclub— in1947 Chicago. Of course things never go as planned—that Murphy guy got it right—and when the Chicago mob decides to have an interest in the club, Drew finds himself caught right in the middle.
Out of Time, my 75,000 word adventure novel, will appeal to fans of Michael Crichton. His novels have taught me that strong characters, tight plotting and page turning action are important ingredients to a successful novel. This is a time travel adventure that’s not a science fiction story.
Having written professionally for the last ten years in advertising and marketing, I’ve learned the value of powerful ideas and concise execution.
Thank you for your consideration,
Allan Evans
Jan 9, 2010
QUERY- THE UNCOMMON ONE (third revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision
Click here to read the sample pages.
I've taken everyone's comments into consideration (and read a lot of the Query Shark). I hope this one does the trick. I'm ready for your worst!
Dear [Agent Name]
When Sarah Daugherty is grabbed and knocked unconscious in the parking garage of her work, she wakes up in the safety of her car unaware of how she got there. The next day she agrees to a night out with a friend just so she won’t be alone.
Sarah catches the bartender, John Pennington, staring at her and she becomes nervous. When her ex-husband shows up unexpectedly and interrupts her evening, John comes to her aid and intervenes. He impresses her with his kindness and looks good to boot, looking perfect in every way. She boldly asks him out.
What Sarah doesn’t know is that John is a vampire.
Since the night he saved her from the serial killer, John is drawn to her so he agrees to the date. Then he discovers he can’t wipe her mind and breaks it off. She tries to convince him to reconsider and he gives the only excuse he can think of: he’s allergic to the sun.
When Sarah admits defeat and leaves, John feels incomplete without her and decides she’s worth the risk. However, someone isn’t happy they are dating and expresses their opinion in a malicious way.
Sarah’s car is vandalized, her apartment is trashed, and she suspects someone is following her. John suspects it may be Maddie, a friend of his, and he feels guilty.
When Maddie reveals to Sarah that John is a vampire and proves it, her world is shaken. Sarah runs away. However, her life is miserable without him and she comes back. Since her return, there are two attempts to kidnap her. John is determined to find the perpetrator before she is taken away from him forever.
THE UNCOMMON ONE is a paranormal romance novel complete at 109,000 words. I am a member of Romance Writers of America. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Stacy McKitrick
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision
Click here to read the sample pages.
I've taken everyone's comments into consideration (and read a lot of the Query Shark). I hope this one does the trick. I'm ready for your worst!
Dear [Agent Name]
When Sarah Daugherty is grabbed and knocked unconscious in the parking garage of her work, she wakes up in the safety of her car unaware of how she got there. The next day she agrees to a night out with a friend just so she won’t be alone.
Sarah catches the bartender, John Pennington, staring at her and she becomes nervous. When her ex-husband shows up unexpectedly and interrupts her evening, John comes to her aid and intervenes. He impresses her with his kindness and looks good to boot, looking perfect in every way. She boldly asks him out.
What Sarah doesn’t know is that John is a vampire.
Since the night he saved her from the serial killer, John is drawn to her so he agrees to the date. Then he discovers he can’t wipe her mind and breaks it off. She tries to convince him to reconsider and he gives the only excuse he can think of: he’s allergic to the sun.
When Sarah admits defeat and leaves, John feels incomplete without her and decides she’s worth the risk. However, someone isn’t happy they are dating and expresses their opinion in a malicious way.
Sarah’s car is vandalized, her apartment is trashed, and she suspects someone is following her. John suspects it may be Maddie, a friend of his, and he feels guilty.
When Maddie reveals to Sarah that John is a vampire and proves it, her world is shaken. Sarah runs away. However, her life is miserable without him and she comes back. Since her return, there are two attempts to kidnap her. John is determined to find the perpetrator before she is taken away from him forever.
THE UNCOMMON ONE is a paranormal romance novel complete at 109,000 words. I am a member of Romance Writers of America. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Stacy McKitrick
Jan 5, 2010
Query - Fallen Knight (2nd Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Ms. Agent,
My 105,000 word mystery/suspense novel, FALLEN KNIGHT, fits the material you’re in search of. Think of it in the mold of The Bowery Boys versus Professor Moriarty.
On the eve of 2011, a twisted mind is intent on replicating the largest bio-terrorism act in US history. How ironic that the only thing standing in his way is a group of aging friends who still revere the Quest for the Holy Grail.
Lee Hamilton is a middle-aged human resource manager for a manufacturing plant located in the Deep South. Aside from being recently re-married, the only thing keeping him from slipping into a mind-numbing normalcy is his occasional rendezvous with the knights. One of six college buddies, who in their mischievous heyday were labeled ‘The Knights Who Say Ni’ for their love of all things Monty Python, Lee has come to treasure his re-kindled friendship with the tight-knit group. Then tragedy strikes.
A call from Dianne Williams, the manager of the detective agency where one of the knights works, informs Lee that somebody has savagely beaten their friend into a coma. Furthermore, a mysterious illness has suddenly befallen the majority of the investigators at her agency. Lee rallies the rest of the knights to help Dianne search for the assailant, which points in the direction of one of the fallen knights previous investigations. The pursuit leads to a student responsible for a lethal high school shooting sixty miles outside the nation’s capital. Though the boy committed suicide following his rampage, the group discovers the authorities have been suppressing facts about the young shooter, including a note hinting at an ominous on-going threat. Utilizing sometimes questionable (aka illegal) methods, Dianne and the knights link a cryptic series of numbers to the boy and several other crimes, pulling the covers back on a plot more ambitious than anybody had previously imagined.
In over their heads and scrambling to avoid arrest, the boundaries of the knight’s friendship become tested. But the nickname so casually bestowed on the band many years ago, becomes prophetic as they personify the grand chivalrous behavior the title of knight once proudly stood for. And if they fail, a lethal biological agent will be unleashed on the streets of Washington DC.
Thank you, Ms. Agent, for your consideration of this query. At your request, I will be happy to send along the complete manuscript.
Sincerely,
DL Hammons
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Ms. Agent,
My 105,000 word mystery/suspense novel, FALLEN KNIGHT, fits the material you’re in search of. Think of it in the mold of The Bowery Boys versus Professor Moriarty.
On the eve of 2011, a twisted mind is intent on replicating the largest bio-terrorism act in US history. How ironic that the only thing standing in his way is a group of aging friends who still revere the Quest for the Holy Grail.
Lee Hamilton is a middle-aged human resource manager for a manufacturing plant located in the Deep South. Aside from being recently re-married, the only thing keeping him from slipping into a mind-numbing normalcy is his occasional rendezvous with the knights. One of six college buddies, who in their mischievous heyday were labeled ‘The Knights Who Say Ni’ for their love of all things Monty Python, Lee has come to treasure his re-kindled friendship with the tight-knit group. Then tragedy strikes.
A call from Dianne Williams, the manager of the detective agency where one of the knights works, informs Lee that somebody has savagely beaten their friend into a coma. Furthermore, a mysterious illness has suddenly befallen the majority of the investigators at her agency. Lee rallies the rest of the knights to help Dianne search for the assailant, which points in the direction of one of the fallen knights previous investigations. The pursuit leads to a student responsible for a lethal high school shooting sixty miles outside the nation’s capital. Though the boy committed suicide following his rampage, the group discovers the authorities have been suppressing facts about the young shooter, including a note hinting at an ominous on-going threat. Utilizing sometimes questionable (aka illegal) methods, Dianne and the knights link a cryptic series of numbers to the boy and several other crimes, pulling the covers back on a plot more ambitious than anybody had previously imagined.
In over their heads and scrambling to avoid arrest, the boundaries of the knight’s friendship become tested. But the nickname so casually bestowed on the band many years ago, becomes prophetic as they personify the grand chivalrous behavior the title of knight once proudly stood for. And if they fail, a lethal biological agent will be unleashed on the streets of Washington DC.
Thank you, Ms. Agent, for your consideration of this query. At your request, I will be happy to send along the complete manuscript.
Sincerely,
DL Hammons
Jan 4, 2010
QUERY-WITHOUT HER
Dear Agent,
I am seeking representation for my 77,000-word young adult novel, Without Her.
After her older sister commits suicide, sixteen-year-old Lana Lindval, stuck in a desolate North Dakota oil town, struggles to rebuild her life. Her sister Skye was unreliable, emotional, and sometimes even cruel, but she always protected Lana. Now Lana has to forge her own way, and the fact that she’s alienated her old friends doesn’t make it any easier.
The only one willing to put up with Lana now is her born-again cousin Britta, and even Britta has an agenda. Britta wants Lana to become a model Christian, but Lana is more interested in Tucker Stevens, a new boy with a smart mouth and a rebellious streak. Britta thinks he’s dangerous, but Lana is sure she’s wrong. Tucker’s example gives Lana the courage to act on her desperate need to get away from Burnt Earth. But her mother, who has grown overprotective since Skye’s death, resists all her plans to gain more independence—including her friendship with Tucker.
Her mother’s disapproval drives Lana to spend even more time with Tucker, who understands how trapped she feels. He may not be completely open about his past—or his love life—but he really listens to her, and Lana is more and more convinced that she’s the one who’s right about Tucker. But when a stupid idea turns into a trip to jail, Lana catches Tucker in a big lie. Maybe Britta and her mother were right all along.
Thank you for considering Without Her. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
I am seeking representation for my 77,000-word young adult novel, Without Her.
After her older sister commits suicide, sixteen-year-old Lana Lindval, stuck in a desolate North Dakota oil town, struggles to rebuild her life. Her sister Skye was unreliable, emotional, and sometimes even cruel, but she always protected Lana. Now Lana has to forge her own way, and the fact that she’s alienated her old friends doesn’t make it any easier.
The only one willing to put up with Lana now is her born-again cousin Britta, and even Britta has an agenda. Britta wants Lana to become a model Christian, but Lana is more interested in Tucker Stevens, a new boy with a smart mouth and a rebellious streak. Britta thinks he’s dangerous, but Lana is sure she’s wrong. Tucker’s example gives Lana the courage to act on her desperate need to get away from Burnt Earth. But her mother, who has grown overprotective since Skye’s death, resists all her plans to gain more independence—including her friendship with Tucker.
Her mother’s disapproval drives Lana to spend even more time with Tucker, who understands how trapped she feels. He may not be completely open about his past—or his love life—but he really listens to her, and Lana is more and more convinced that she’s the one who’s right about Tucker. But when a stupid idea turns into a trip to jail, Lana catches Tucker in a big lie. Maybe Britta and her mother were right all along.
Thank you for considering Without Her. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Jan 2, 2010
Query: The Rough on the Diamond
Dear Agent,
The Rough on the Diamond takes game of baseball where it's never been before: the barren plains of West Africa.
Blake Portis is an ex-backup catcher who has failed as a ballplayer, a broadcaster, a coach and a human being. All he has to show for his years in the major leagues is enough money to buy anything he could ever want and not a single thing he truly needs. Fed up with the game that turned its back on him and on the verge of a personal breakdown, Portis gets one last chance through a job as a scout in the baseball wasteland of Africa.
Portis soon realizes prospects are nowhere to be found and plans to give up, but a chance encounter takes Blake to the small nation of Senegal, where a peculiar doctor has started a baseball program out of the dust. What he finds in Senegal – young boys with a passion for the game and true, unadulterated talent – makes Blake remember why he loved baseball in the first place. In partnership with the doctor, Portis helps guide the baseball program toward its ultimate goal: an African-born player in the major leagues. Along the way, Blake Portis finds love, hope and, ultimately, his own salvation in the land of the griot storytellers.
For over 10 years I worked as an editor, reporter and sportswriter at newspapers and magazines of all sizes across the Midwest, winning numerous writing awards from the press associations of Missouri, Kansas and Arkansas.
The Rough on the Diamond is complete at 80,000 words. Thank you in advance for considering it. May I send you a synopsis, sample chapters or the full manuscript?
Sincerely,
Matt Kelsey
The Rough on the Diamond takes game of baseball where it's never been before: the barren plains of West Africa.
Blake Portis is an ex-backup catcher who has failed as a ballplayer, a broadcaster, a coach and a human being. All he has to show for his years in the major leagues is enough money to buy anything he could ever want and not a single thing he truly needs. Fed up with the game that turned its back on him and on the verge of a personal breakdown, Portis gets one last chance through a job as a scout in the baseball wasteland of Africa.
Portis soon realizes prospects are nowhere to be found and plans to give up, but a chance encounter takes Blake to the small nation of Senegal, where a peculiar doctor has started a baseball program out of the dust. What he finds in Senegal – young boys with a passion for the game and true, unadulterated talent – makes Blake remember why he loved baseball in the first place. In partnership with the doctor, Portis helps guide the baseball program toward its ultimate goal: an African-born player in the major leagues. Along the way, Blake Portis finds love, hope and, ultimately, his own salvation in the land of the griot storytellers.
For over 10 years I worked as an editor, reporter and sportswriter at newspapers and magazines of all sizes across the Midwest, winning numerous writing awards from the press associations of Missouri, Kansas and Arkansas.
The Rough on the Diamond is complete at 80,000 words. Thank you in advance for considering it. May I send you a synopsis, sample chapters or the full manuscript?
Sincerely,
Matt Kelsey
QUERY - SECOND SIGHT
Seven years ago,a frightened five year old escaped from his kidnapper, hid in the woods for days, and finally surrended to the Hawthorns who found him scavaging from their cafe trash cans. He's known as MICK HAWTHORN today and the most frightening thing that's happened to him lately is kissing JULIE RAINWATER at a summer Band picnic.Then the nightmares begin.
A new preacher has come to Jasper, Arkansas, population 500. As his generic prayer for a safe sports season rolls over the students at the first school pep rally, Mick is shocked to recognize the voice he feared as a child. But PASTOR RICHTER is charismatic and the community flocks to join his congregation.
Mick confronts Richter, who laughs and tells him that no one will ever believe his story. When Julie and some of the other girls begin attending extra study sessions at the church and plan a trip with Richter to present a play at other churches in St Louis, Mick knows that the man has chosen his new victims.
Mick joins the drama group, persuading Richter that he holds no grudges for his mistreatment. During a storm, the students are abandoned at a cabin on the way to Missouri. Waking from a drugged sleep, Mick forces Richter into releasing two of the girls, but nearly loses Julie as the preacher attempts to drive away.
The final solution to stopping Richter is up to Mick. Even though he is smaller, he attacks the man, drives him into the woods, and contacts the authorities. Sometimes even a boy has to summon the force within himself to be the hero.
Second Sight is a 40,000 word novel for middle grades.
A new preacher has come to Jasper, Arkansas, population 500. As his generic prayer for a safe sports season rolls over the students at the first school pep rally, Mick is shocked to recognize the voice he feared as a child. But PASTOR RICHTER is charismatic and the community flocks to join his congregation.
Mick confronts Richter, who laughs and tells him that no one will ever believe his story. When Julie and some of the other girls begin attending extra study sessions at the church and plan a trip with Richter to present a play at other churches in St Louis, Mick knows that the man has chosen his new victims.
Mick joins the drama group, persuading Richter that he holds no grudges for his mistreatment. During a storm, the students are abandoned at a cabin on the way to Missouri. Waking from a drugged sleep, Mick forces Richter into releasing two of the girls, but nearly loses Julie as the preacher attempts to drive away.
The final solution to stopping Richter is up to Mick. Even though he is smaller, he attacks the man, drives him into the woods, and contacts the authorities. Sometimes even a boy has to summon the force within himself to be the hero.
Second Sight is a 40,000 word novel for middle grades.
Dec 26, 2009
QUERY - THE GATEWAY
When people dream, this does not happen in their head. Their mind projects to the Other World and they experience dreams. Their connection is tenuous and fleeting. Jordan Quinn’s is not.
When Jordan is visiting a friend in South Korea he is attacked by a mysterious woman, put to sleep and imprisoned in the Other World.
After he begins to hear voices telling him to save a little Russian girl, he finds hope that he can wake. But matters are complicated when he is kidnapped by Nnekara, a deadly African woman with the power to animate and control shadows. Nnekara has also been put to sleep by the woman, but with the intent of keeping Jordan occupied and out of the way while the dream world is being merged with reality.
Jordan finds that as things change, and the merger nears completion, the woman gets closer to releasing a group of long-forgotten gods, the Dreamwalkers, to usher in the extinction of the human race.
Jordan must gain mastery over his power as the gateway between the worlds and race to save the young Russian girl from dying if he has any hope of thwarting the woman's plans or waking again.
With a basis in real world mythologies, THE GATEWAY – a young adult fantasy complete at 73,000 words – explores a new world by recreating and redefining what we all experience as dreams.
I have a degree in Russian studies and have lived in both Russia and South Korea. Together, my education, travels and understanding of other cultures play a huge part in the unfolding tale, as the world we know ceases to exist and we find people across the globe – each with their own unique abilities – coming together and choosing sides.
THE GATEWAY is a standalone novel, but the first in a planned series. If you are interested, I would love to send the full manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.
When Jordan is visiting a friend in South Korea he is attacked by a mysterious woman, put to sleep and imprisoned in the Other World.
After he begins to hear voices telling him to save a little Russian girl, he finds hope that he can wake. But matters are complicated when he is kidnapped by Nnekara, a deadly African woman with the power to animate and control shadows. Nnekara has also been put to sleep by the woman, but with the intent of keeping Jordan occupied and out of the way while the dream world is being merged with reality.
Jordan finds that as things change, and the merger nears completion, the woman gets closer to releasing a group of long-forgotten gods, the Dreamwalkers, to usher in the extinction of the human race.
Jordan must gain mastery over his power as the gateway between the worlds and race to save the young Russian girl from dying if he has any hope of thwarting the woman's plans or waking again.
With a basis in real world mythologies, THE GATEWAY – a young adult fantasy complete at 73,000 words – explores a new world by recreating and redefining what we all experience as dreams.
I have a degree in Russian studies and have lived in both Russia and South Korea. Together, my education, travels and understanding of other cultures play a huge part in the unfolding tale, as the world we know ceases to exist and we find people across the globe – each with their own unique abilities – coming together and choosing sides.
THE GATEWAY is a standalone novel, but the first in a planned series. If you are interested, I would love to send the full manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Dec 23, 2009
Query - Fallen Knight (1st Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Ms. Agent,
My 105,000 word mystery/thriller, FALLEN KNIGHT, fits the mold of material you’re in search of and I’m excited at the possibility of you representing me.
In 1984, the largest bioterrorism attack documented in US history took place in the Pacific Northwest. More than 750 residents were sickened in this barely publicized incident, fortunately there were no fatalities. But somebody did take notice and now believes they can do better. When Lee Hamilton answers an early morning call asking for help tracking down the person responsible for a vicious attack of a close friend, little does he realize that he’ll come face to face with the individual determined to make that event happen.
Lee is a middle-aged human resource manager from a small southern town. He’s also one of six college friends who in their hey-day were labeled ‘The Knights Who Say Ni’. Lee’s troubles begin when he rallies the other knights to assist Dianne Williams, the manager of the detective agency where their stricken friend works, to search for the assailant. The trail leads them to a six-month old deadly high school shooting sixty miles outside the nation’s capital. There they discover the authorities have been suppressing facts about the young shooter, like a note found on his body hinting of plans to cause further misery. Although the knight’s methods are unconventional, when a cryptic series of numbers link several other crimes to the boy, it pulls the covers back on an unbelievable plot.
In over their heads with the boundaries of the knight’s friendship tested, they must scramble to avoid arrest by a suspicious police detective and the FBI. Racing to unravel the scheme before it’s too late; ironically they come to personify the grand chivalrous behavior their nick-name once proudly stood for. At stake if they fail, the unleashing of a lethal biological agent on the streets of Washington DC.
Thank you, Ms. Agent, for your consideration of this query. At your request, I will be happy to send along the complete manuscript.
Sincerely,
DL Hammons
Dear Ms. Agent,
My 105,000 word mystery/thriller, FALLEN KNIGHT, fits the mold of material you’re in search of and I’m excited at the possibility of you representing me.
In 1984, the largest bioterrorism attack documented in US history took place in the Pacific Northwest. More than 750 residents were sickened in this barely publicized incident, fortunately there were no fatalities. But somebody did take notice and now believes they can do better. When Lee Hamilton answers an early morning call asking for help tracking down the person responsible for a vicious attack of a close friend, little does he realize that he’ll come face to face with the individual determined to make that event happen.
Lee is a middle-aged human resource manager from a small southern town. He’s also one of six college friends who in their hey-day were labeled ‘The Knights Who Say Ni’. Lee’s troubles begin when he rallies the other knights to assist Dianne Williams, the manager of the detective agency where their stricken friend works, to search for the assailant. The trail leads them to a six-month old deadly high school shooting sixty miles outside the nation’s capital. There they discover the authorities have been suppressing facts about the young shooter, like a note found on his body hinting of plans to cause further misery. Although the knight’s methods are unconventional, when a cryptic series of numbers link several other crimes to the boy, it pulls the covers back on an unbelievable plot.
In over their heads with the boundaries of the knight’s friendship tested, they must scramble to avoid arrest by a suspicious police detective and the FBI. Racing to unravel the scheme before it’s too late; ironically they come to personify the grand chivalrous behavior their nick-name once proudly stood for. At stake if they fail, the unleashing of a lethal biological agent on the streets of Washington DC.
Thank you, Ms. Agent, for your consideration of this query. At your request, I will be happy to send along the complete manuscript.
Sincerely,
DL Hammons
Dec 21, 2009
Query - Fallen Knight
Dear Ms. Agent,
My research led me to your agencies web-site and your particular interest in mystery/thrillers. I believe my 105,000 word novel, FALLEN KNIGHT, fits the mold of material you’re in search of and hope you consider representing me. If successful, I envision the characters from my novel evolving into a series.
In 1984, the largest bioterrorism attack documented in US history took place in Dalles, Oregon. More than 750 individuals were sickened, but luckily there were no fatalities.
Now, somebody thinks they can do better. When Lee Hamilton answers an early morning call asking for help tracking down the person responsible for a viscous attack of a close friend, little does he realize that it will put him on a collision course with the person determined to make just that event happen.
Lee is just a middle-aged human resource manager from a small southern town, but he’s also a knight. One of six college friends who in their hey-day were labeled ‘The Knights Who Say Ni’, Lee’s troubles begin when he rallies the other knights to assist Dianne Williams, the manager of the detective agency where their stricken friend works, to search for the assailant. The trail of clues leads them to a six-month old deadly high school shooting sixty miles outside the nation’s capital and a cryptic suicide note that brags I’m not finished yet. Although the knight’s method of solving jigsaw puzzles are unconventional, when the pieces do start coming together it pulls the covers back on an unbelievable pattern of crimes.
In over their heads with the boundaries of the knight’s friendship tested, they must scramble to avoid arrest by a suspicious police detective and the FBI. The rag-tag group seeks to unravel a sinister plot as they race the clock. At stake if they fail, the unleashing of a bio-terrorism attack on the streets of Washington DC.
From an agoraphobic taxi-driver, to a love-sick high school student forced to hide a terrible secret, even the secondary characters in FALLEN KNIGHT are memorable. Thank you, Ms. Agent, for your consideration of this query. At your request, I will be happy to send along the complete manuscript.
Sincerely,
DL Hammons
My research led me to your agencies web-site and your particular interest in mystery/thrillers. I believe my 105,000 word novel, FALLEN KNIGHT, fits the mold of material you’re in search of and hope you consider representing me. If successful, I envision the characters from my novel evolving into a series.
In 1984, the largest bioterrorism attack documented in US history took place in Dalles, Oregon. More than 750 individuals were sickened, but luckily there were no fatalities.
Now, somebody thinks they can do better. When Lee Hamilton answers an early morning call asking for help tracking down the person responsible for a viscous attack of a close friend, little does he realize that it will put him on a collision course with the person determined to make just that event happen.
Lee is just a middle-aged human resource manager from a small southern town, but he’s also a knight. One of six college friends who in their hey-day were labeled ‘The Knights Who Say Ni’, Lee’s troubles begin when he rallies the other knights to assist Dianne Williams, the manager of the detective agency where their stricken friend works, to search for the assailant. The trail of clues leads them to a six-month old deadly high school shooting sixty miles outside the nation’s capital and a cryptic suicide note that brags I’m not finished yet. Although the knight’s method of solving jigsaw puzzles are unconventional, when the pieces do start coming together it pulls the covers back on an unbelievable pattern of crimes.
In over their heads with the boundaries of the knight’s friendship tested, they must scramble to avoid arrest by a suspicious police detective and the FBI. The rag-tag group seeks to unravel a sinister plot as they race the clock. At stake if they fail, the unleashing of a bio-terrorism attack on the streets of Washington DC.
From an agoraphobic taxi-driver, to a love-sick high school student forced to hide a terrible secret, even the secondary characters in FALLEN KNIGHT are memorable. Thank you, Ms. Agent, for your consideration of this query. At your request, I will be happy to send along the complete manuscript.
Sincerely,
DL Hammons
QUERY - INTELLIGENT DESIGN REVISION 1 (original posted Oct 31, 2009)
Click here to read the original query.
Detective Inspector Lane has less than a week to prove three recent deaths were not the work of a serial killer. All three died in a similar way after falling from buildings and all three died on a Sunday.
Coincidence? Or is there a vicious killer on the loose in London with a liking for high places and an aversion to Sundays?
David, a journalist for the London Evening People, thinks the story makes good copy and he has piqued public interest with a series of articles designed to convince his readers there is more to the deaths than just coincidence.
All the press interest is proving much more difficult for DI Lane to deal with than the investigation itself. The Chief Inspector has given her until Sunday to prove the deaths were nothing more than accidents and quell the rising public hysteria. But when a witness also dies in mysterious circumstances, it seems there is very little DI Lane can do to convince the public a serial killer is not stalking the streets of London.
And now, she too is having her doubts.
Intelligent Design is a completed 95,000 word crime novel set in contemporary London.
Detective Inspector Lane has less than a week to prove three recent deaths were not the work of a serial killer. All three died in a similar way after falling from buildings and all three died on a Sunday.
Coincidence? Or is there a vicious killer on the loose in London with a liking for high places and an aversion to Sundays?
David, a journalist for the London Evening People, thinks the story makes good copy and he has piqued public interest with a series of articles designed to convince his readers there is more to the deaths than just coincidence.
All the press interest is proving much more difficult for DI Lane to deal with than the investigation itself. The Chief Inspector has given her until Sunday to prove the deaths were nothing more than accidents and quell the rising public hysteria. But when a witness also dies in mysterious circumstances, it seems there is very little DI Lane can do to convince the public a serial killer is not stalking the streets of London.
And now, she too is having her doubts.
Intelligent Design is a completed 95,000 word crime novel set in contemporary London.
Dec 19, 2009
QUERY - THE UNCOMMON ONE (2nd revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the sample pages.
Okay - after much thought and re-writes, I hope I came up with something that doesn't sound like TWILIGHT.
Dear [Agent Name]
Like all vampires, John Pennington can slip into the minds of mortals and control their thoughts and actions. Touch their skin and he can read their thoughts or bring the ones he wants to the surface, and his saliva can heal the marks his teeth leave behind after he feeds on them. But unlike most vampires, when John sees a mortal in trouble, he will step in and help any way he can as long as it doesn’t reveal his true identity.
So he doesn’t do anything different on the night he finds an unconscious woman being tossed into a trunk by a serial killer. It’s not until he places the still unconscious woman in her car that he discovers a scent so enticing it draws him closer to her and when he touches her skin, he feels a rush of warmth he never thought possible. He’s intrigued, but vampires don’t involve themselves with humans and he leaves her, without any knowledge of him or his deed.
Sarah Daugherty has survived an abusive ex-husband and is on her own for the first time. When she wakes in her car with vague memories of being abducted, she’s terrified, and the following night takes up an offer to go out after work. Only looking for company, what she finds instead is a sexy bartender named John. So what if he’s allergic to the sun. So what if he’s on a special liquid diet. His touch causes her heart to race and sets her body on fire. She convinces him to give dating a chance.
John finds himself falling in love with Sarah and it’s with all his inner strength to keep their relationship platonic, for he made a promise to himself that he wouldn’t make love to her until she knew the truth. But the fear of losing her forever becomes too much of a risk for him to take and he keeps putting off what he knows in his heart he must do.
THE UNCOMMON ONE is a paranormal romance of 109,000 words. The complete manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Stacy McKitrick
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the sample pages.
Okay - after much thought and re-writes, I hope I came up with something that doesn't sound like TWILIGHT.
Dear [Agent Name]
Like all vampires, John Pennington can slip into the minds of mortals and control their thoughts and actions. Touch their skin and he can read their thoughts or bring the ones he wants to the surface, and his saliva can heal the marks his teeth leave behind after he feeds on them. But unlike most vampires, when John sees a mortal in trouble, he will step in and help any way he can as long as it doesn’t reveal his true identity.
So he doesn’t do anything different on the night he finds an unconscious woman being tossed into a trunk by a serial killer. It’s not until he places the still unconscious woman in her car that he discovers a scent so enticing it draws him closer to her and when he touches her skin, he feels a rush of warmth he never thought possible. He’s intrigued, but vampires don’t involve themselves with humans and he leaves her, without any knowledge of him or his deed.
Sarah Daugherty has survived an abusive ex-husband and is on her own for the first time. When she wakes in her car with vague memories of being abducted, she’s terrified, and the following night takes up an offer to go out after work. Only looking for company, what she finds instead is a sexy bartender named John. So what if he’s allergic to the sun. So what if he’s on a special liquid diet. His touch causes her heart to race and sets her body on fire. She convinces him to give dating a chance.
John finds himself falling in love with Sarah and it’s with all his inner strength to keep their relationship platonic, for he made a promise to himself that he wouldn’t make love to her until she knew the truth. But the fear of losing her forever becomes too much of a risk for him to take and he keeps putting off what he knows in his heart he must do.
THE UNCOMMON ONE is a paranormal romance of 109,000 words. The complete manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Stacy McKitrick
Dec 16, 2009
REVISED QUERY- ALONG THE BEACH
Thanks so much for the earlier round of feedback. Here's the revised version. Does it hit the mark? Gary
A horde of killer bees in Borneo. An armed robbery in Los Angeles. A deadly riptide off the Pacific. Malaria in East Africa. A vision of a lady in white guiding him to safety each time. For travel photographer Lee Merrick, the extraordinary is the ordinary.
As the mysterious lady’s ethereal hands guide Lee’s at the piano to play a Chopin prelude he never knew, he wonders about the prophecy from his youth that foretells he will someday meet “Her” along the beach. But his mother, who has kept the secret of her own dark prophecy, is compelled to sabotage his pursuit at all costs—even if it means having Lee institutionalized against his will.
Time is running out for Lee. The polished lens of his photojournalist’s camera fails him, and he must learn to see with his inner sight. Mounting clues beckon him toward this woman who pleads for his belief in her and their love. But will he uncover the truth before his obsession robs him of his family, friends, and freedom?
ALONG THE BEACH is a 108,000-word New Age novel.
My metaphysical piece Atlantis, Arise appeared in the national magazine [magazine title listed here]. The pyramids, temples, and mysterious places highlighted in Along The Beach are written with authenticity based on nearly two decades of sojourns exploring those locations across the world with metaphysical societies.
Thank you for considering Along The Beach.
Sincerely,
(me)
A horde of killer bees in Borneo. An armed robbery in Los Angeles. A deadly riptide off the Pacific. Malaria in East Africa. A vision of a lady in white guiding him to safety each time. For travel photographer Lee Merrick, the extraordinary is the ordinary.
As the mysterious lady’s ethereal hands guide Lee’s at the piano to play a Chopin prelude he never knew, he wonders about the prophecy from his youth that foretells he will someday meet “Her” along the beach. But his mother, who has kept the secret of her own dark prophecy, is compelled to sabotage his pursuit at all costs—even if it means having Lee institutionalized against his will.
Time is running out for Lee. The polished lens of his photojournalist’s camera fails him, and he must learn to see with his inner sight. Mounting clues beckon him toward this woman who pleads for his belief in her and their love. But will he uncover the truth before his obsession robs him of his family, friends, and freedom?
ALONG THE BEACH is a 108,000-word New Age novel.
My metaphysical piece Atlantis, Arise appeared in the national magazine [magazine title listed here]. The pyramids, temples, and mysterious places highlighted in Along The Beach are written with authenticity based on nearly two decades of sojourns exploring those locations across the world with metaphysical societies.
Thank you for considering Along The Beach.
Sincerely,
(me)
Dec 15, 2009
Sample Pages - THE ELEANOR STORY - young adult
Memories can stick like a tongue to a frosty pole in the middle of winter. Pulling and tugging to break free will only dismember the delicate skin leaving it raw and exposed.
Exposed.
I remember the exact day the spot light turned on me and everyone noticed the quiet girl who barely ever spoke. And by spotlight, I don't mean me slipping on a pair of tap shoes and performing an excerpt from a Broadway musical. More like I was standing naked with my classmates running at me, a magnifying glass pressed to their eye. Okay, that's a bit dramatic, but seriously it was bad.
Sister Clarisse calls it adolescence or puberty, but I call it exposure and the time when every girl's self-esteem is mutilated, dismembered. For me, my moment of exposure happened at the
beginning of eighth grade.
"What do you think we'll have to do?" Alison whispered to me that morning before school.
I opened my bag and started pulling out books, throwing them on top of the desk. "I don't know. Sister Clarisse didn't give us any details."
My nervous tone reflected the buzz of voices drifting through the classroom. Everyone was feeling it. Today was different. Of course when you're my age, you can't let anyone but your very best friends know the idea of watching The Movie was freakin' scary. Yes, that's right, Ellie Cummings was petrified of this official rite of passage into the teenage world, but never in a million years would I have guessed how much was about to change from The Movie. If I had
known I probably would have faked an illness this morning and never left my house.
I hung my bag on the back of my chair and tugged at my green and navy pleated skirt. It was identical to the one Alison wore, but on her the required uniform was a fashion statement. Alison was already five foot five and growing constantly and not in the gangly awkward way, but in the
I'm-thirteen-but-the-ninth-grade-boys-all-snap-their-heads-in-my-direction way. Mostly because this summer she started growing things I didn't have yet. Well not a b-cup anyway.
Don't think I spend all my time obsessing over the bra size of my classmates, but it was the first week of school and everyone changed over the summer. Alison changed the most of all the
girls and of course it didn't go unnoticed. Me, well let's just say I have the flattest chest in my entire class. This is not opinion based. It's a fact. Even Freddie Livingston has bigger boobs than me. Seriously, he does. I cringe every time Freddie is on the "skins" team when the boys play basketball in the gym.
In just a few days of school I was beginning to realize everything is more complicated in eighth grade. For starters, we moved to the high school wing with the ninth graders and switched classrooms every hour, bumping into them in the hallway. My school messes with the entire genetics of high school by making ninth graders the dominating force and then moving them on to a new school as sophomores.
It's just wrong.
Of course I won't be complaining next year when I'm one of those ninth graders.
But if you're unlucky like me, and scored high on your standardized testing you might even end up in a few classes with them. Talk about feeling like a puny little girl.
My other best friend Hailey leaned in close to Alison and I before whispering, "My sister told me they make everyone put condoms on oranges."
Hailey's sister is in tenth grade this year and entertains herself by giving Hailey a load of crap to see if she'll believe it.
I rolled my eyes. "You don't put condoms on oranges, bananas maybe?"
Alison giggled beside me then put her hand over her mouth when Sister Janet glared in our direction. Hailey's forehead wrinkled and I could tell she was going to give herself a head ache thinking this hard.
I put my hand on her shoulder to calm her down before whispering as quietly as possible, "Hailey we're not going to put condoms on anything . This isn't public school. Catholics stress
abstinence, not birth control."
Her face relaxed.
Alison shook her head, eyes glued to the folder in her hands. "Ellie's right."
TJ the cutest boy in our grade strolled past us and we all three immediately jumped apart from our huddled girl talk.
TJ's eyes fell on Alison. His cheeks blushed a little, then he hurried over to his desk.
"Did you see that," Hailey squealed.
I clapped my hand over her mouth to shut her up. Alison threw me a grateful look. Last year we made a pact to never be those girls. The squealing ones who pretend their idiots and refuse to eat in front of boys. Hailey can't help herself. She's naturally ditzy and forgetful. It has nothing to do with male presence, so we still love her.
"My house after school," Alison reminded us of our Friday tradition which was nothing more than hanging out, pigging out, making fun of the popular girls (the Pact to stay 'squeal free' evolved from one of these sessions), and occasionally inventing stories about what the nuns really do after school (my personal favorite).
"Sarah and Claire are coming. I called them last night," Hailey said, referring to our other two best friends. They were in a different class this year.
"Alright everyone get your Math books out and start with the problems on page ten," Sister Janet said. She narrowed her eyes at me, inclining one hand toward the door. Freddie and Dara zipped past, books tucked under their arms.
I swallowed hard and threw Alison and Hailey a desperate look. Alison bit her lower lip and Hailey chewed on her thumb nail. They were the most supportive friends a girl could have, but they didn't have to leave. I did.
Day five of Algebra with the ninth graders had officially begun.
I grabbed my book and hurried after Freddie and Dara. My stomach did flip-flops while I made the long walk down the hall. But the barfy feeling was completely unrelated to the impending movie and everything to with the older kids. Being forced into their world, even if only for academic reasons would frightened the coolest of eighth graders (which I wasn't). They didn't want me there anymore than I wanted to be there. It was such a fun hour. Let me tell you.
Sister Janet says there's always something to be grateful for- someone who was worse off. Whenever I sit in class behind the most popular ninth grade girl April Jenson, it's difficult to be grateful for anything God has blessed me with. But then I look over at Jenny Ludwig and give thanks that my mother doesn't make me wear the little girl jumpers instead of the skirts. Seriously, she's fourteen with a plaid jumper, white button down Peter Pan collar shirt, knee socks and black Mary Jane's.
I. Kid. You. Not.
After glancing at Jenny the first day of school, I forced myself to look down at my socially acceptable skirt, navy school polo and Nike's then I said: Yes, there is a God! I may not be April Jenson, but Sister Janet is right. It could be worse.
I took in a deep breath before entering the classroom, letting my eyes drop to stare at my shoes like I was examining them for dog crap stuck to the bottom. It's an unspoken rule not to make eye contact with the ninth graders while on their turf (which I was). I slid into my seat and noticed Mrs. Halloway wasn't in the in the room yet. Frightening. I was writing the date on the top of my notebook page when someone tapped me on the shoulder.
My heart started pounding in my chest. It must be a trick. I wasn't turning around just to have someone shove my finger up my nose and ask me if I'm digging for gold (this happened to Freddie yesterday, I felt terrible for him).
"Ellie, are you ignoring me?" a voice whispered in my ear.
A familiar voice. But it couldn't be. I turned quickly in my seat and stared right into Justin's green eyes.
"What are you doing here?" I couldn't help asking.
He smiled. "It's not an all girl's school."
I rolled my eyes. "You wish. But I thought you were going to George Washington?"
"My parents had me on the waiting list all summer. A spot opened up at the last minute. I've been here for a week waiting for you to talk to me." He frowned and reached his hand toward my shirt and pulled off a cat hair. "Albert Einstein's been rolling in your laundry basket again, hasn't he?"
I laughed and pushed his hand away. "I wasn't ignoring you. I didn't know you were here. Plus I'm an eighth grader. I'll probably get hung or lynched just for this little chat."
I turned around then because Mrs. Halloway walked in to the room and I realized immediately several pairs of eyes were on me.
Spotlight number one. I wished more than anything this was the only one. It wasn't.
My cheeks burned and I slid down in my seat hoping Mrs. Halloway would jump right in to complex equations. She did jump into the lesson but not the long boring lecture I hoped for. No, that would be lucky (which I wasn't). And that would be reserved for traditional teachers
(which Mrs. Halloway wasn't).
Today we were doing a hands-on project- calculating angles of large objects outside using Algebraic and geometric formulas. So when she started to partner us up I glanced hopefully at Dara, even Freddie would do. Eighth graders needed to stick together, but instead I get-
"April Jenson," Mrs. Halloway said.
April stood and flipped her blonde hair over her shoulder.
Mrs. Halloway looked down at her clip board. "April your partner will be, Eleanor Cummings."
My face turned even redder and I ducked down pretending to pick up something from the floor.
"Eleanor Cummings," Mrs. Halloway spoke with such authority I jerked up quickly banging my head on the desk, hard.
I stood feeling the burn of everyone's eyes.
Spotlight number two.
Mrs. Halloway was new and didn't know name's yet. She was just reading off the roster and the damage she caused was completely unintentional.
I heard Justin laugh a little under his breath and mutter, "Eleanor."
I had been Ellie Cummings since preschool. Like every other day, I walked in as Ellie. But today, I left as Eleanor and today of all days Eleanor was the absolute worst name to have.
Query - THE ELEANOR STORY - young adult
On her fourteenth birthday, Ellie Cummings had one amazing, seventy-two second kiss with the cutest boy in school. Three days later she is officially the St. Vincent Academy slut.
Ellie was given the same warning as all the eighth grade girls at St. Vincent's: Your reputation is a valuable possession and you must protect it. Sister Clarisse's message swam straight over shy Ellie's head. Until the movie following the nun's speech. The moment the words flashed across the screen, she knew she was in trouble: The Eleanor Story: A Story Of A Girl Who's Reputation Got In The Way Of Her Relationship With God.
The girl was easy and boy crazy and she'd rather be kissing than praying. And they had the same name! All Ellie can do is hope everyone will forget The Movie soon. They might have too if Justin Sampson, Ellie's best summer pal, hadn't transferred to her school. Even Ellie can't dismiss the fact that Justin is really cute. On her fourteenth birthday, she kisses him with twenty-six pairs of eyes watching.
She has officially gone from Ellie to *the Eleanor*. Worse, a mysterious blogger named HailMary22 has created a blog in her honor: Guess Eleanor Cummings Next Man.
Rumors and lies fill the online world. Her first real kiss has turned into the world's biggest mistake and Ellie can't escape. Now she has to the make a decision: hide from HailMary22 or stand up for herself for the first time in her life.
THE ELEANOR STORY is a 53,000 word young adult novel.
Ellie was given the same warning as all the eighth grade girls at St. Vincent's: Your reputation is a valuable possession and you must protect it. Sister Clarisse's message swam straight over shy Ellie's head. Until the movie following the nun's speech. The moment the words flashed across the screen, she knew she was in trouble: The Eleanor Story: A Story Of A Girl Who's Reputation Got In The Way Of Her Relationship With God.
The girl was easy and boy crazy and she'd rather be kissing than praying. And they had the same name! All Ellie can do is hope everyone will forget The Movie soon. They might have too if Justin Sampson, Ellie's best summer pal, hadn't transferred to her school. Even Ellie can't dismiss the fact that Justin is really cute. On her fourteenth birthday, she kisses him with twenty-six pairs of eyes watching.
She has officially gone from Ellie to *the Eleanor*. Worse, a mysterious blogger named HailMary22 has created a blog in her honor: Guess Eleanor Cummings Next Man.
Rumors and lies fill the online world. Her first real kiss has turned into the world's biggest mistake and Ellie can't escape. Now she has to the make a decision: hide from HailMary22 or stand up for herself for the first time in her life.
THE ELEANOR STORY is a 53,000 word young adult novel.
Dec 12, 2009
Query-Raising Kain: Diseased God (Revised)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent,
I am seeking representation for my 48,000 word YA fantasy novella RAISING KAIN: DISEASED GOD.
The day he turns six-years-old Apophis Kain learns he is destined to become the Aspect of the Earth, he just has to survive the training to get there first.
Being the sun of a sky god and the Aspect of the Moon, as well as the crown prince of Atlantis and transforming into a dragon means that Kain must be destined for greatness. He just didn’t realize greatness meant living naked in the woods, having his aunt, Terra Gaia the current Aspect of the Earth, as the worlds hardest tutor, or meeting the deranged diseased god, Pestilence.
Training to be the Aspect of the earth and fighting to overcome his headstrong pride is hard enough, but when Pestilence shows up it becomes a fight for his life. One he may not be able to win. Failure means life as a new version of the diseased god, and destruction of the material plane.
I am a student of history and literature at Concord University, I have published one short story with Concord University’s publication, Reflexes.
I would be happy to forward the complete manuscript at your request, and I thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Ryan Smith
Dear Agent,
I am seeking representation for my 48,000 word YA fantasy novella RAISING KAIN: DISEASED GOD.
The day he turns six-years-old Apophis Kain learns he is destined to become the Aspect of the Earth, he just has to survive the training to get there first.
Being the sun of a sky god and the Aspect of the Moon, as well as the crown prince of Atlantis and transforming into a dragon means that Kain must be destined for greatness. He just didn’t realize greatness meant living naked in the woods, having his aunt, Terra Gaia the current Aspect of the Earth, as the worlds hardest tutor, or meeting the deranged diseased god, Pestilence.
Training to be the Aspect of the earth and fighting to overcome his headstrong pride is hard enough, but when Pestilence shows up it becomes a fight for his life. One he may not be able to win. Failure means life as a new version of the diseased god, and destruction of the material plane.
I am a student of history and literature at Concord University, I have published one short story with Concord University’s publication, Reflexes.
I would be happy to forward the complete manuscript at your request, and I thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Ryan Smith
Dec 10, 2009
Query - Along the Beach
A Tale of Two Queries. Some regard each as having their own strengths and shortcomings. The first has a fuller idea of the plot. The second seems more catchy and a breezier read, striving to entice with just enough to hook the agent to request the synopsis giving more of the plot. Perhaps a bit too thin though?
Should I try to merge the best of both into one?
I'm suspecting that rather than do a big rewrite of version 1 (some don't like its opening paragraph at all) I should prop-up version 2.
So that might involve taking version 2 as a base to work with, and infusing it with a bit of Version 1's fourth paragraph to fill in a bit more? Or run version 2 as-is?
nb: The query has a bio section, but it's omitted in this sample, so we can focus on the aspects in question. The issue of genre classification deserves a whole other thread (labeling it New Age vs. Paranormal vs. Fantasy Romance vs. psychic vs. mainstream or not even at all).
Thanks from Gary in Las Vegas
QUERY VERSION 1
Dear Mr./Ms. (Agent),
Soulmates. Faith. Destiny.
"Fanciful words," many would say. But not Lee Merrick.
Those words are with him day and night. Intriguing him. Haunting him. And quite possibly driving him mad.
His only hope is to find the truth behind the enchanting visions of a woman he has fallen in love with but has never met.
Along the Beach is a 108,000-word novel journeying from the outermost reaches of the globe to the inner depths of the soul.
Far away from his Los Angeles home photographing exotic shorelines, Lee is entranced by mystical visions of the "Lady in White." Could she be the woman first revealed in a prophecy foretold in his youth—that he will someday meet his soulmate along the beach? Yet a secret from long-ago compels his own mother to stop at nothing to prevent his success—even if it means having him institutionalized against his will.
On a path of self-discovery spanning a decade, Lee faces the unknown in faraway places, and will ultimately be confronted with his greatest challenge: to overcome the logic of his doubts holding back his certainty that beyond the vision of her spirit, breathes this mysterious woman somewhere in the world. For he knows that he will never be whole until he touches her hand, to unite with the one who already completes his most sacred thoughts and echoes his own heartbeat.
(bio section / closing remark / why I chose that book agent)
QUERY VERSION 2
A horde of killer bees in Borneo. An armed robbery in Los Angeles. A deadly riptide off the Pacific. Malaria in East Africa. A vision of a lady in white guiding him to safety each time. For travel photographer Lee Merrick, the extraordinary is the ordinary.
As her ethereal hands guide Lee’s at the piano to play a Chopin prelude he never knew, he wonders about the prophecy from his youth that foretells he will someday meet "Her" along the beach. But the dark secret of his mother’s own deadly prophecy compels her to sabotage his pursuit at all costs—even if it means having Lee institutionalized against his will.
Time is running out for Lee. Mounting clues beckon him toward finding this woman who pleads for him to believe that she and her love for him are real, but he may not uncover the truth before his obsession robs him of his family, friends, and freedom.
ALONG THE BEACH is a 108,000-word New Age novel.
(same bio / closing / custom comment for choosing that agent)
Should I try to merge the best of both into one?
I'm suspecting that rather than do a big rewrite of version 1 (some don't like its opening paragraph at all) I should prop-up version 2.
So that might involve taking version 2 as a base to work with, and infusing it with a bit of Version 1's fourth paragraph to fill in a bit more? Or run version 2 as-is?
nb: The query has a bio section, but it's omitted in this sample, so we can focus on the aspects in question. The issue of genre classification deserves a whole other thread (labeling it New Age vs. Paranormal vs. Fantasy Romance vs. psychic vs. mainstream or not even at all).
Thanks from Gary in Las Vegas
QUERY VERSION 1
Dear Mr./Ms. (Agent),
Soulmates. Faith. Destiny.
"Fanciful words," many would say. But not Lee Merrick.
Those words are with him day and night. Intriguing him. Haunting him. And quite possibly driving him mad.
His only hope is to find the truth behind the enchanting visions of a woman he has fallen in love with but has never met.
Along the Beach is a 108,000-word novel journeying from the outermost reaches of the globe to the inner depths of the soul.
Far away from his Los Angeles home photographing exotic shorelines, Lee is entranced by mystical visions of the "Lady in White." Could she be the woman first revealed in a prophecy foretold in his youth—that he will someday meet his soulmate along the beach? Yet a secret from long-ago compels his own mother to stop at nothing to prevent his success—even if it means having him institutionalized against his will.
On a path of self-discovery spanning a decade, Lee faces the unknown in faraway places, and will ultimately be confronted with his greatest challenge: to overcome the logic of his doubts holding back his certainty that beyond the vision of her spirit, breathes this mysterious woman somewhere in the world. For he knows that he will never be whole until he touches her hand, to unite with the one who already completes his most sacred thoughts and echoes his own heartbeat.
(bio section / closing remark / why I chose that book agent)
QUERY VERSION 2
A horde of killer bees in Borneo. An armed robbery in Los Angeles. A deadly riptide off the Pacific. Malaria in East Africa. A vision of a lady in white guiding him to safety each time. For travel photographer Lee Merrick, the extraordinary is the ordinary.
As her ethereal hands guide Lee’s at the piano to play a Chopin prelude he never knew, he wonders about the prophecy from his youth that foretells he will someday meet "Her" along the beach. But the dark secret of his mother’s own deadly prophecy compels her to sabotage his pursuit at all costs—even if it means having Lee institutionalized against his will.
Time is running out for Lee. Mounting clues beckon him toward finding this woman who pleads for him to believe that she and her love for him are real, but he may not uncover the truth before his obsession robs him of his family, friends, and freedom.
ALONG THE BEACH is a 108,000-word New Age novel.
(same bio / closing / custom comment for choosing that agent)
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