Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Dear Agent
Sixteen-year-old, Jess Trainer, does not understand why Caleb Ridgeway hands linger even while he tries to push her away, the attraction she feels for him is chemical and gut-clenching and it drives her to the brink of stalker status.
Jess shocks everyone when she explains the differences she sees between the Ridgeways, they test her visual acuity. But when the brothers know the details of lessons they did not attend, Jess realises they have abilities beyond any normal range. She finds Caleb does not share their most intimate moments with his brothers. After Alex Ridgeway causes Jess’ accident during school’s Orientation Day, Caleb begins to explain why their relationship cannot develop, until the arrival of the Headteacher silences him.
Jess abuses her position on the Year Book Committee to dissect the Ridgeway’s files in school. In their previous school data and the bizarre meanings of their names, she finds two possible reasons why Caleb and his brothers might choose to isolate themselves to the fringes of all social circles. Given the choice between private school snob and werewolf, as the explanation for Caleb’s anti-social behaviour, the second option seems more desirable.
As far as a study of a little-known subculture goes hers is enjoyable, if unscientific. When her persistence fades to long-distance adoration Caleb decides to trust her, not with his secret, but with his heart. Their relationship plunges Jess into the seething war of attrition being fought in the woodland around Woodford between human hunters, once-human werewolves and those born Were. Jess finds this reality hard to stomach, she loves someone who is neither human nor wolf - he is Were.
Caleb explains he is bound to guard and protect everything living alongside the largest Were pack in the United Kingdom in the Weald, near Edgware.
When one of Caleb’s pack allows the feral Were inside their home, it is Jess who, sensing something is wrong, gets inside and finds the dying, the injured and Caleb who has been tortured. With most of the pack patrolling the woods Jess runs to call them back, pursued by hellish humans. She uses her wits to kill one and finds the motivation to turn her balletic karate moves into a lethal force. She holds a vigil, unseen in the dark, while a larger pack than she’d ever met meets to bury the dead.
With only one of the feral Were unaccounted for, everyone has to deal with the aftermath of the attack. Caleb is so traumatised, violent and withdrawn the pack fear he may never recover. Despite their attempts to stop her, Jess locks herself in the room with Caleb to coax him from the brink of madness. She helps him remember the time before the pain, guides him back to reality and to their love.
This book can stand alone but it has series potential.
I teach where supply teachers fear to tread, so added a counselling qualification to my college degree. I build relationships and enable children to overcome barriers to learning. There are many would-be writers but fewer who understand young people as well, or would be as comfortable speaking to them en-masse. My experience of delivering sex-education sessions with up to sixty pre-teens is some foundation for selling my work to the target audience.
My novel entitled Near Edgware is a YA paranormal romance complete in 72,200-words.
I thank you for your time.
Jan 24, 2010
Jan 23, 2010
QUERY- EYES OF MY KILLER
Dear Ms. Dream Agent,
Please accept my submission of EYES OF MY KILLER, a thriller complete at 80,000 words.
Misty reads eyes. She needs only to glance deep within your eyes to see your soul, your world, and all your secrets. But her gift has gotten her into trouble before as it doesn’t always give a clear picture. Not everything she “sees” makes sense. Random thoughts, images, and emotions come through haphazardly. When she comes eye to eye with a serial killer Misty goes to the police for help. In shock, she can describe the brutality and horror she saw in his eyes, but not the man himself. She knows the police think she’s a kook, but she has to make them listen.
Max Jennings is a by the book cop and he’s on the trail of the nastiest serial killer in Angel Fall’s history. When Misty McAllister walks into his squad room and declares she knows who the Angel Fall’s Strangler is because she met him at the mall, Max labels her a whacko. When the strangler leaves a message on Misty’s doorstep in the form of a dead body he labels her a suspect, but Misty insists it’s a warning. Now she’s in a race for her life and only man who can help her, is the one who doesn’t believe her.
Best Regards,
Aimlesswriter
Please accept my submission of EYES OF MY KILLER, a thriller complete at 80,000 words.
Misty reads eyes. She needs only to glance deep within your eyes to see your soul, your world, and all your secrets. But her gift has gotten her into trouble before as it doesn’t always give a clear picture. Not everything she “sees” makes sense. Random thoughts, images, and emotions come through haphazardly. When she comes eye to eye with a serial killer Misty goes to the police for help. In shock, she can describe the brutality and horror she saw in his eyes, but not the man himself. She knows the police think she’s a kook, but she has to make them listen.
Max Jennings is a by the book cop and he’s on the trail of the nastiest serial killer in Angel Fall’s history. When Misty McAllister walks into his squad room and declares she knows who the Angel Fall’s Strangler is because she met him at the mall, Max labels her a whacko. When the strangler leaves a message on Misty’s doorstep in the form of a dead body he labels her a suspect, but Misty insists it’s a warning. Now she’s in a race for her life and only man who can help her, is the one who doesn’t believe her.
Best Regards,
Aimlesswriter
Query - Between Light and Dark
Dear ,
Per your request, I am submitting Between Light and Dark for your consideration.
Fynn, all of twelve years old, is terrorized by an evil menace that he doesn't understand and doesn't know how to confront. His father, Sir Trent, a well respected knight at the local barracks, is kidnapped. Shortly afterward, his childhood dream to become a knight is shattered when the mages' guild discovers latent magical ability in him. Unknown to Fynn, he has been blessed (or cursed as he sometimes feels) by the gods to save humanity from a long forgotten enemy. During his test to become a mage he sees a vision of his father and unlocks magical abilities previously dormant. Confused and believing that he is fighting against his father's captors, he uses his unbridled power to strike down his mentors.
Consumed by guilt and shame, Fynn is in a race to rescue his father and to learn how to control the immense power bestowed on him; the survival of Terreste depends on it. Between Light and Dark, the first book of a trilogy, is a 165,000 word fantasy novel that will grab your attention from the opening chapter and leave you longing for more at its end.
I have been published on-line by Stories That Lift - http://www.storiesthatlift.com/index.php/action-adventure/of-maps-and-friends.html
and I received an Honorable Mention in the 74th Annual Writers’ Digest Writing Competition.
If you would like to follow Fynn’s journey from youth to manhood, I would be pleased send a detailed synopsis, sample chapters, or the entire manuscript. I appreciate your time and look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Dan Olsen
Per your request, I am submitting Between Light and Dark for your consideration.
Fynn, all of twelve years old, is terrorized by an evil menace that he doesn't understand and doesn't know how to confront. His father, Sir Trent, a well respected knight at the local barracks, is kidnapped. Shortly afterward, his childhood dream to become a knight is shattered when the mages' guild discovers latent magical ability in him. Unknown to Fynn, he has been blessed (or cursed as he sometimes feels) by the gods to save humanity from a long forgotten enemy. During his test to become a mage he sees a vision of his father and unlocks magical abilities previously dormant. Confused and believing that he is fighting against his father's captors, he uses his unbridled power to strike down his mentors.
Consumed by guilt and shame, Fynn is in a race to rescue his father and to learn how to control the immense power bestowed on him; the survival of Terreste depends on it. Between Light and Dark, the first book of a trilogy, is a 165,000 word fantasy novel that will grab your attention from the opening chapter and leave you longing for more at its end.
I have been published on-line by Stories That Lift - http://www.storiesthatlift.com/index.php/action-adventure/of-maps-and-friends.html
and I received an Honorable Mention in the 74th Annual Writers’ Digest Writing Competition.
If you would like to follow Fynn’s journey from youth to manhood, I would be pleased send a detailed synopsis, sample chapters, or the entire manuscript. I appreciate your time and look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Dan Olsen
Jan 22, 2010
QUERY - WHERE THE DOVES FLY - YA
Dear Ms./Mr. X,
When 17-year-old artist Anna Sokolowska learns the Communist regime in Poland may implement martial law, she chooses to escape to Berlin—unwilling to let the government stifle her artistic voice, eager to use her anti-Communist paintings as a tool for change. What Anna fails to consider before leaving is that her abused mother and young brother need her more than she thinks they do.
A year in Berlin forces Anna to face the borderless nature of government corruption as she struggles to balance the harsh reality of poverty in the 1980’s with a passion for art and the Polish Solidarity movement.
WHERE THE DOVES FLY is a literary YA at approximately 76,000 words.
My articles and short stories have been featured in New Moon, Teen Ink, Alive, multiple e-zines, and two Creative Communications anthologies. Last year I received a YoungArts 2010 Merit Award (top 5%) and interned with [an editor; redacted]; now I intern with [an agent; redacted].
I didn’t want to miss the opportunity to query you—someone I admire for Y.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Moi
When 17-year-old artist Anna Sokolowska learns the Communist regime in Poland may implement martial law, she chooses to escape to Berlin—unwilling to let the government stifle her artistic voice, eager to use her anti-Communist paintings as a tool for change. What Anna fails to consider before leaving is that her abused mother and young brother need her more than she thinks they do.
A year in Berlin forces Anna to face the borderless nature of government corruption as she struggles to balance the harsh reality of poverty in the 1980’s with a passion for art and the Polish Solidarity movement.
WHERE THE DOVES FLY is a literary YA at approximately 76,000 words.
My articles and short stories have been featured in New Moon, Teen Ink, Alive, multiple e-zines, and two Creative Communications anthologies. Last year I received a YoungArts 2010 Merit Award (top 5%) and interned with [an editor; redacted]; now I intern with [an agent; redacted].
I didn’t want to miss the opportunity to query you—someone I admire for Y.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Moi
Jan 19, 2010
DESOLATION Revision #1
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Secret Agent Man:
I believe you would be interested in my YA urban fantasy DESOLATION, complete at 84,000 words.
It’s time for the devil’s daughter to join the family business of ruining lives and stealing souls, but sixteen-year-old Desolation Black wants to be good.
Desi knows she’s part demon, but what she doesn’t know is that she’s also part angel. Raised by the Prince of Lies, she can’t imagine being anything other than what he demands. So when Desi’s caught in a power struggle for the throne of the Underworld, she makes a choice she thinks will free her from her demonic destiny—only to discover every good act ends in the very death and destruction she hoped to avoid.
With gifts and abilities yet undiscovered, Desi will never be a normal teenage girl. But she can be good—at a cost. With the help of angel and love-of-her-heart Michael, Lost Soul James, and good-girl Miri, Desi will fight the demons of hell and her own father for freedom of all people--including the right to choose for herself the kind of person she will be.
DESOLATION is a fast-paced story that mingles the edginess of Wicked Lovely and the vision of Hush, Hush to create it’s own dark love story at the end of the world.
If you would like to consider DESOLATION, I’ll happily forward the complete manuscript to you at your request. An outline for a potential sequel is also available.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Ali Cross
ali@alicross.com
Dear Secret Agent Man:
I believe you would be interested in my YA urban fantasy DESOLATION, complete at 84,000 words.
It’s time for the devil’s daughter to join the family business of ruining lives and stealing souls, but sixteen-year-old Desolation Black wants to be good.
Desi knows she’s part demon, but what she doesn’t know is that she’s also part angel. Raised by the Prince of Lies, she can’t imagine being anything other than what he demands. So when Desi’s caught in a power struggle for the throne of the Underworld, she makes a choice she thinks will free her from her demonic destiny—only to discover every good act ends in the very death and destruction she hoped to avoid.
With gifts and abilities yet undiscovered, Desi will never be a normal teenage girl. But she can be good—at a cost. With the help of angel and love-of-her-heart Michael, Lost Soul James, and good-girl Miri, Desi will fight the demons of hell and her own father for freedom of all people--including the right to choose for herself the kind of person she will be.
DESOLATION is a fast-paced story that mingles the edginess of Wicked Lovely and the vision of Hush, Hush to create it’s own dark love story at the end of the world.
If you would like to consider DESOLATION, I’ll happily forward the complete manuscript to you at your request. An outline for a potential sequel is also available.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Ali Cross
ali@alicross.com
QUERY: THESE ARE THE END OF DAYS - Second Revision
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Agent.
November 28th, 2012. As the Mayan Calendar draws to an end, the world is plunged into a global frenzy when news of an entity heading towards the planet is leaked. Mechanical equipment and technology begin to abruptly fail, triggering fears of an impending attack. In the ensuing chaos, The Continuity of Government Plan is implemented removing the President and his Cabinet from DC.
Howard Andersen, a political appointee, noted for his ability to “influence” policy, is unexpectedly appointed to head FEMA - most other senior members are presumed dead. He faces contempt and hostility from his boss, the Homeland Security Secretary who wants him out. Howard’s investigations swiftly allow him to conclude that the disasters affecting the planet are indeed linked to the approach of the craft.
The ship lands on Mars beside a mountain that eerily resembles a human face. Religious beliefs vie against military dogma. Is this a divine sign or the staging post for an invasion? Howard gambles that it is an invasion, and unconventional action by him prevents the military coalition formed to defend the planet from fracturing. But, it also gives his boss the leverage needed to oust him.
Back on the outside, Howard watches helplessly as an Al Qaeda detonates a bomb in Las Vegas, pulling everyone’s attention from the skies and back to earth. It prompts a severe response that swiftly pushes the planet towards nuclear warfare. To save lives, Howard will have to release the cynicism and bitterness within and embrace the good that is hidden deep within his soul.
THESE ARE THE END OF DAYS is a completed manuscript of 115,000 words. Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely
Lenworth Wesley
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Agent.
November 28th, 2012. As the Mayan Calendar draws to an end, the world is plunged into a global frenzy when news of an entity heading towards the planet is leaked. Mechanical equipment and technology begin to abruptly fail, triggering fears of an impending attack. In the ensuing chaos, The Continuity of Government Plan is implemented removing the President and his Cabinet from DC.
Howard Andersen, a political appointee, noted for his ability to “influence” policy, is unexpectedly appointed to head FEMA - most other senior members are presumed dead. He faces contempt and hostility from his boss, the Homeland Security Secretary who wants him out. Howard’s investigations swiftly allow him to conclude that the disasters affecting the planet are indeed linked to the approach of the craft.
The ship lands on Mars beside a mountain that eerily resembles a human face. Religious beliefs vie against military dogma. Is this a divine sign or the staging post for an invasion? Howard gambles that it is an invasion, and unconventional action by him prevents the military coalition formed to defend the planet from fracturing. But, it also gives his boss the leverage needed to oust him.
Back on the outside, Howard watches helplessly as an Al Qaeda detonates a bomb in Las Vegas, pulling everyone’s attention from the skies and back to earth. It prompts a severe response that swiftly pushes the planet towards nuclear warfare. To save lives, Howard will have to release the cynicism and bitterness within and embrace the good that is hidden deep within his soul.
THESE ARE THE END OF DAYS is a completed manuscript of 115,000 words. Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely
Lenworth Wesley
Query- The Butterfly Key
Dear Agent,
I am respectfully seeking your representation for my novel, THE BUTTERFLY KEY, a 72,000-word work of literary fiction set within the small town of Columbus, Minnesota.
Devastated by the recent miscarriage of her baby and inundated by a constant, never-ending crush of emotions, Nicole Kuefler is embroiled in an agonizing conflict against God and his so-called providence, and regrettably, the people who love her the most – her husband and three daughters – are caught in the crossfire.
Upon reaching her breaking point on Christmas Eve, Nicole is losing her battle. With her soul fractured like a broken pane of glass, she is unable to stop the brutal despair seeping in through the cracks. Moreover, her seemingly indelible faith is at risk of erosion.
Determined to mend the shards of his wife’s shattered soul, Nicole’s husband, Drew, gathers the family together around the Christmas tree. Guided by something he could only consider extraordinary, Drew narrates to his wife and children the emotional tale of a young couple who promise each other a family, but find themselves struggling amidst the providence of God.
This is their heartrending story.
Christian Bryson is no stranger to tragedy. His mother died shortly after childbirth, his father is losing his battle to cancer. Therefore, when Abigail, his wife, discovers she is pregnant, she decides to keep it a secret from him.
Why? Because Abigail is trying to protect Christian as he deploys for war.
Unfortunately, when another terrible tragedy befalls Christian, the consequence of Abigail not telling him about her pregnancy threatens to devastate their marriage. Now Abigail must grapple with the stark realization that her husband may never come home.
When Drew finishes his story, he is still unsure if Nicole can find it in her heart to forgive God. That is until a special gift under the Christmas tree changes everything.
Regards,
XXX
I am respectfully seeking your representation for my novel, THE BUTTERFLY KEY, a 72,000-word work of literary fiction set within the small town of Columbus, Minnesota.
Devastated by the recent miscarriage of her baby and inundated by a constant, never-ending crush of emotions, Nicole Kuefler is embroiled in an agonizing conflict against God and his so-called providence, and regrettably, the people who love her the most – her husband and three daughters – are caught in the crossfire.
Upon reaching her breaking point on Christmas Eve, Nicole is losing her battle. With her soul fractured like a broken pane of glass, she is unable to stop the brutal despair seeping in through the cracks. Moreover, her seemingly indelible faith is at risk of erosion.
Determined to mend the shards of his wife’s shattered soul, Nicole’s husband, Drew, gathers the family together around the Christmas tree. Guided by something he could only consider extraordinary, Drew narrates to his wife and children the emotional tale of a young couple who promise each other a family, but find themselves struggling amidst the providence of God.
This is their heartrending story.
Christian Bryson is no stranger to tragedy. His mother died shortly after childbirth, his father is losing his battle to cancer. Therefore, when Abigail, his wife, discovers she is pregnant, she decides to keep it a secret from him.
Why? Because Abigail is trying to protect Christian as he deploys for war.
Unfortunately, when another terrible tragedy befalls Christian, the consequence of Abigail not telling him about her pregnancy threatens to devastate their marriage. Now Abigail must grapple with the stark realization that her husband may never come home.
When Drew finishes his story, he is still unsure if Nicole can find it in her heart to forgive God. That is until a special gift under the Christmas tree changes everything.
Regards,
XXX
Jan 18, 2010
QUERY - NEAR EDGWARE (second revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Agent
I have recently completed my 72,200-word YA paranormal romance entitled Near Edgware, and I hope you might consider representing me. My writing lulls with school and woodland settings and bites like a Kelley Armstrong.
Sixteen-year-old, Jess Trainer, has a lot in common with Caleb Ridgeway: the athletic skills, unusual senses and the feeling of being something different - a little apart from their peers. If her parents had told Jess their family secrets she might have understood why she is attracted to the boy who cannot let anyone see the other side of him.
Jess does not understand why Caleb fights to keep her at a distance when their classes, common interests and the almost addictive attraction makes being away from him unbearable. After spending time together Caleb's scent lingers on Jess' clothes, this brings out the worst kind of wolves still living in England. The sight of Caleb, and his protectors at work, is the solution to the puzzle she has been piecing together. Jess finds the reality hard to accept, but she realises she loves someone who is neither human nor wolf - he is Were.
Jess risks her life, and her humanity, to reach a traumatised Caleb after the pack is attacked. Only she can guide him back with her love.
This book can stand alone but it has series potential.
I am a teacher with the usual English qualifications and a less usual counselling one.
Thank you for your time,
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Agent
I have recently completed my 72,200-word YA paranormal romance entitled Near Edgware, and I hope you might consider representing me. My writing lulls with school and woodland settings and bites like a Kelley Armstrong.
Sixteen-year-old, Jess Trainer, has a lot in common with Caleb Ridgeway: the athletic skills, unusual senses and the feeling of being something different - a little apart from their peers. If her parents had told Jess their family secrets she might have understood why she is attracted to the boy who cannot let anyone see the other side of him.
Jess does not understand why Caleb fights to keep her at a distance when their classes, common interests and the almost addictive attraction makes being away from him unbearable. After spending time together Caleb's scent lingers on Jess' clothes, this brings out the worst kind of wolves still living in England. The sight of Caleb, and his protectors at work, is the solution to the puzzle she has been piecing together. Jess finds the reality hard to accept, but she realises she loves someone who is neither human nor wolf - he is Were.
Jess risks her life, and her humanity, to reach a traumatised Caleb after the pack is attacked. Only she can guide him back with her love.
This book can stand alone but it has series potential.
I am a teacher with the usual English qualifications and a less usual counselling one.
Thank you for your time,
Query -- Masquerade (Second Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Business Letter Format
Dear Ms. Agent,
I am seeking representation for the STEWARD AND MISS HIGGINS, a single title Regency Romance complete at 98,000 words.
An outrageously beautiful, yet painfully shy Duke’s daughter must play at a dangerous game of masquerade to outsmart a villain trying to destroy her family.
When William Smith, the Earl of Westerly, agrees to do his cousin Robert a simple favor, keep an eye on an elderly relative and her companion, he doesn't realize what he's gotten himself into until it's too late. Upon his arrival at Wakefield, Quiggins, the trusted butler reveals, “…things are not what they appear to be.”
William, a confirmed bachelor, has only one passion, horses, until he meets the mysterious Miss Penny Higgins whose sweet, sunny smile and unfathomable intellect are in direct contrast to her dowdy clothes and recurring stutter. The Duchess of Caymore, his aunt’s cousin, is a wry old bird who keeps a strict eye on her companion and William means to find out why using his charm and affable nature but no one is talking. It’s obvious the ladies are in trouble, they are in hiding, and now it appears he will also have to masquerade… as the steward.
As the weeks pass, William cannot help but fall in love with the quirky Penny and wants to marry her, even without knowing who she really is. Penny loses her heart but knows nothing will come of it – her father is determined to marry her off to someone of his choosing.
When Penny’s true identity and her reason for hiding are finally revealed to William, he immediately launches a campaign entrusting some unlikely friends to help catch the villains. Upon their return to London, a confounding chain of events finds Robert masquerading as Penny’s fiancé. Moreover, now that William knows who Penny really is, he is awed but undaunted. Despite Robert’s annoying role as Penny’s fake fiancé, her father’s threats to marry her off to a duke, and the Duchess of Caymore’s machinations to keep Robert and Penny together, William is determined to marry Penny, but first he has to find the blackguard who threatens her.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Click here to read the first revision.
Business Letter Format
Dear Ms. Agent,
I am seeking representation for the STEWARD AND MISS HIGGINS, a single title Regency Romance complete at 98,000 words.
An outrageously beautiful, yet painfully shy Duke’s daughter must play at a dangerous game of masquerade to outsmart a villain trying to destroy her family.
When William Smith, the Earl of Westerly, agrees to do his cousin Robert a simple favor, keep an eye on an elderly relative and her companion, he doesn't realize what he's gotten himself into until it's too late. Upon his arrival at Wakefield, Quiggins, the trusted butler reveals, “…things are not what they appear to be.”
William, a confirmed bachelor, has only one passion, horses, until he meets the mysterious Miss Penny Higgins whose sweet, sunny smile and unfathomable intellect are in direct contrast to her dowdy clothes and recurring stutter. The Duchess of Caymore, his aunt’s cousin, is a wry old bird who keeps a strict eye on her companion and William means to find out why using his charm and affable nature but no one is talking. It’s obvious the ladies are in trouble, they are in hiding, and now it appears he will also have to masquerade… as the steward.
As the weeks pass, William cannot help but fall in love with the quirky Penny and wants to marry her, even without knowing who she really is. Penny loses her heart but knows nothing will come of it – her father is determined to marry her off to someone of his choosing.
When Penny’s true identity and her reason for hiding are finally revealed to William, he immediately launches a campaign entrusting some unlikely friends to help catch the villains. Upon their return to London, a confounding chain of events finds Robert masquerading as Penny’s fiancé. Moreover, now that William knows who Penny really is, he is awed but undaunted. Despite Robert’s annoying role as Penny’s fake fiancé, her father’s threats to marry her off to a duke, and the Duchess of Caymore’s machinations to keep Robert and Penny together, William is determined to marry Penny, but first he has to find the blackguard who threatens her.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
New Critique Exchange Blog
Attention writers and readers:
If you are looking for critique partners for your manuscript, or if you are available to critique the works of others, check out this new blog, launching today:
critXchange
The goal for the critXchange is for writers to post a short description of their book, similar to a query, but instead of querying agents it is a solicitation for other writers and readers to provide feedback on the manuscript.
The critXchange blog is just a meeting place...the actual exchange if manuscripts and feedback will be direct between the writers and critiquers. The submission process is similar to submitting here at the Slushpile. Could be because I started both blogs and it worked fine here. Or that I am lazy and didn't want to think up something new. Take your pick, I won't be offended.
Like The Public Query Slushpile, the success of critXchange will hinge on the participation of wonderful people like you. Feedback on the concept and ways to make it better is welcome. Wander over there when you have a chance. Right now there's only one request posted, but I know there are more manuscripts in need of critique...
If you are looking for critique partners for your manuscript, or if you are available to critique the works of others, check out this new blog, launching today:
critXchange
The goal for the critXchange is for writers to post a short description of their book, similar to a query, but instead of querying agents it is a solicitation for other writers and readers to provide feedback on the manuscript.
The critXchange blog is just a meeting place...the actual exchange if manuscripts and feedback will be direct between the writers and critiquers. The submission process is similar to submitting here at the Slushpile. Could be because I started both blogs and it worked fine here. Or that I am lazy and didn't want to think up something new. Take your pick, I won't be offended.
Like The Public Query Slushpile, the success of critXchange will hinge on the participation of wonderful people like you. Feedback on the concept and ways to make it better is welcome. Wander over there when you have a chance. Right now there's only one request posted, but I know there are more manuscripts in need of critique...
Query -- Masquerade (First Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Business Letter Format
Dear Ms. Agent,
I am seeking representation at this time for The Steward and Miss Higgins, a single title Regency Romance complete at 99,000 words.
Bored with his staid life, William Smith, the Earl of Westerly agrees to do his cousin Robert a favor; remove to Wakefield to keep an eye on an elderly cousin and her traveling companion. He is more than surprised upon his arrival when Quiggins, the trusted butler reveals, “…things are not what they appear to be.”
William, a confirmed bachelor, has only one passion, horses, until he meets the mysterious Miss Penelope Higgins whose sweet, sunny smile and unfathomable intellect is in direct contrast to her dowdy clothes and recurring stutter. He discerns she is not the person she is pretending to be. The Duchess of Caymore is a meddlesome old bird, who keeps a strict eye on Penny, and William means to find out why but no one is talking. It is obvious the Ladies are in trouble, they are in hiding, and now it appears he will also have to masquerade…as the steward.
When Penny’s true identity (she is the Duke of Olmstead’s incomparable daughter) and her reason for hiding (someone has tried to kill her father and now the fiend has turned his sights on her) are finally revealed to William, he entrusts some unlikely friends to devise a plan to bring the villains to justice. Upon their return to London, a comedic chain of events finds Robert masquerading as Penny’s fiancé. Moreover, now that William knows who Penny really is, he is awed but undaunted. Despite Robert’s annoying role as Penny’s fake fiancé, her father’s threats to marry her off to a duke, and the Duchess of Caymore’s machinations to keep Robert and Penny together, William is determined to marry Penny, but first he has to find the blackguard who threatens her.
I would be delighted to send you the synopsis and first three chapters. Thank you for your time and consideration in this matter.
Business Letter Format
Dear Ms. Agent,
I am seeking representation at this time for The Steward and Miss Higgins, a single title Regency Romance complete at 99,000 words.
Bored with his staid life, William Smith, the Earl of Westerly agrees to do his cousin Robert a favor; remove to Wakefield to keep an eye on an elderly cousin and her traveling companion. He is more than surprised upon his arrival when Quiggins, the trusted butler reveals, “…things are not what they appear to be.”
William, a confirmed bachelor, has only one passion, horses, until he meets the mysterious Miss Penelope Higgins whose sweet, sunny smile and unfathomable intellect is in direct contrast to her dowdy clothes and recurring stutter. He discerns she is not the person she is pretending to be. The Duchess of Caymore is a meddlesome old bird, who keeps a strict eye on Penny, and William means to find out why but no one is talking. It is obvious the Ladies are in trouble, they are in hiding, and now it appears he will also have to masquerade…as the steward.
When Penny’s true identity (she is the Duke of Olmstead’s incomparable daughter) and her reason for hiding (someone has tried to kill her father and now the fiend has turned his sights on her) are finally revealed to William, he entrusts some unlikely friends to devise a plan to bring the villains to justice. Upon their return to London, a comedic chain of events finds Robert masquerading as Penny’s fiancé. Moreover, now that William knows who Penny really is, he is awed but undaunted. Despite Robert’s annoying role as Penny’s fake fiancé, her father’s threats to marry her off to a duke, and the Duchess of Caymore’s machinations to keep Robert and Penny together, William is determined to marry Penny, but first he has to find the blackguard who threatens her.
I would be delighted to send you the synopsis and first three chapters. Thank you for your time and consideration in this matter.
Jan 17, 2010
QUERY: THESE ARE THE END OF DAYS - First Revision
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent.
December 6, 2012. As the Mayan calendar draws to its end, the world is plunged into a global frenzy when news of an entity heading toward earth is leaked. An American led coalition to defend the planet is created when mechanical equipment and technology begin to abruptly fail, triggering fears of an imminent attack.
Howard Andersen, a political appointee, who is noted for his ability to “influence” policy, is unexpectedly appointed Director of FEMA when the Continuity of Government Plan is implemented. A political enforcer, Howard is faced with contempt and hostility by his boss, the Homeland Security Secretary who wants him out.
The craft disappears as it nears the Solar System and the coalition begins to fracture. A challenge is made by countries who are skeptical of the unfolding events and feel threatened. They dispute the assertions of an alien presence and demand proof. When none is forthcoming they accuse the United States of fear mongering and crimes against humanity.
Howard is thrust into a chaotic world where religious beliefs vie against military dogma when the ship is discovered on Mars beside a mountain that eerily resembles a human face. As the planet marches towards nuclear warfare it falls to him to discern what is the truth. Is this a divine sign or staging post for an invasion?
THESE ARE THE END OF DAYS is a completed manuscript of 115,000 words. Thanks for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely
Lenworth Wesley
Dear Agent.
December 6, 2012. As the Mayan calendar draws to its end, the world is plunged into a global frenzy when news of an entity heading toward earth is leaked. An American led coalition to defend the planet is created when mechanical equipment and technology begin to abruptly fail, triggering fears of an imminent attack.
Howard Andersen, a political appointee, who is noted for his ability to “influence” policy, is unexpectedly appointed Director of FEMA when the Continuity of Government Plan is implemented. A political enforcer, Howard is faced with contempt and hostility by his boss, the Homeland Security Secretary who wants him out.
The craft disappears as it nears the Solar System and the coalition begins to fracture. A challenge is made by countries who are skeptical of the unfolding events and feel threatened. They dispute the assertions of an alien presence and demand proof. When none is forthcoming they accuse the United States of fear mongering and crimes against humanity.
Howard is thrust into a chaotic world where religious beliefs vie against military dogma when the ship is discovered on Mars beside a mountain that eerily resembles a human face. As the planet marches towards nuclear warfare it falls to him to discern what is the truth. Is this a divine sign or staging post for an invasion?
THESE ARE THE END OF DAYS is a completed manuscript of 115,000 words. Thanks for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely
Lenworth Wesley
Query -- Masquerade Romance
Business letter format
Dear Ms. Agent,
I am seeking representation at this time for Masquerade, a single title Regency Romance complete at 99,081 words.
When the Earl of Westerly agrees to do his cousin a favor, he is more than surprised upon his arrival at Wakefield. Mr. Quiggins, the trusted butler reveals, “…things are not what they appear to be.”
William Smith, the Earl of Westerly, has only one passion, horses, until he meets the mysterious Miss Penelope Higgins whose sweet, sunny smile makes his heart skip a beat. He knows she is not the person she is pretending to be. The Duchess of Caymore, is a meddlesome old bird who keeps a strict eye on Penny and William means to find out why but no one is talking. He knows the Ladies are in trouble, they are in hiding, and now it appears he will also have to masquerade…as the steward.
When Penny’s’ true identity and her reason for hiding is finally revealed to William, he entrusts some unlikely friends to devise a plan to bring the villains to justice. Upon their return to London, a comedic chain of events finds Robert, William’s cousin, masquerading as Penny’s fiancé. Moreover, now that William knows who Penny really is, he is awed but undaunted. Despite Robert’s annoying role as Penny’s fake fiancé, her father’s threats to marry her off to a duke, and the Duchess of Caymore’s machinations to keep Robert and Penny together, William is determined to marry Penny, even if he has to give up her enormous dowry to do it.
I would be delighted to send you the synopsis and first three chapters. Thank you for your time and consideration in this matter.
Sincerely,
Me
My contact info
Dear Ms. Agent,
I am seeking representation at this time for Masquerade, a single title Regency Romance complete at 99,081 words.
When the Earl of Westerly agrees to do his cousin a favor, he is more than surprised upon his arrival at Wakefield. Mr. Quiggins, the trusted butler reveals, “…things are not what they appear to be.”
William Smith, the Earl of Westerly, has only one passion, horses, until he meets the mysterious Miss Penelope Higgins whose sweet, sunny smile makes his heart skip a beat. He knows she is not the person she is pretending to be. The Duchess of Caymore, is a meddlesome old bird who keeps a strict eye on Penny and William means to find out why but no one is talking. He knows the Ladies are in trouble, they are in hiding, and now it appears he will also have to masquerade…as the steward.
When Penny’s’ true identity and her reason for hiding is finally revealed to William, he entrusts some unlikely friends to devise a plan to bring the villains to justice. Upon their return to London, a comedic chain of events finds Robert, William’s cousin, masquerading as Penny’s fiancé. Moreover, now that William knows who Penny really is, he is awed but undaunted. Despite Robert’s annoying role as Penny’s fake fiancé, her father’s threats to marry her off to a duke, and the Duchess of Caymore’s machinations to keep Robert and Penny together, William is determined to marry Penny, even if he has to give up her enormous dowry to do it.
I would be delighted to send you the synopsis and first three chapters. Thank you for your time and consideration in this matter.
Sincerely,
Me
My contact info
Query: OUT OF TIME (3rd revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
OUT OF TIME tells the story of Drew Evans, a police officer in one of St. Paul's worst gang-infested precincts who recovers a device that allows him to travel through time. Presented with an opportunity like no other, Drew makes the decision to use the device to travel back to visit his father, renowned musician Doc Evans, who died when Drew was young. He visits his father in 1947 Chicago just as his father is getting his big break at the new Jazz Ltd nightclub.
Of course things never go as planned—that Murphy guy got it right—and when Drew interferes with a robbery, it causes the Chicago mob to have a newfound interest in the club.
Now, caught in the middle and facing near insurmountable odds, Drew chooses to bring his by-the-book partner back to help. Drew must use their experience with combating gangs to force the Chicago mob away from the club and save his father’s future—while risking the opportunity to re-connect with his father.
OUT OF TIME—complete at 75,000 words—is an adventure novel infused with humor and action that will appeal to fans of Michael Crichton’s TMELINE and Clive Cussler’s SAHARA.
Having written professionally for the last ten years in advertising and marketing, I’ve learned the value of powerful ideas and concise execution.
Thank you for your consideration,
Allan Evans
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
OUT OF TIME tells the story of Drew Evans, a police officer in one of St. Paul's worst gang-infested precincts who recovers a device that allows him to travel through time. Presented with an opportunity like no other, Drew makes the decision to use the device to travel back to visit his father, renowned musician Doc Evans, who died when Drew was young. He visits his father in 1947 Chicago just as his father is getting his big break at the new Jazz Ltd nightclub.
Of course things never go as planned—that Murphy guy got it right—and when Drew interferes with a robbery, it causes the Chicago mob to have a newfound interest in the club.
Now, caught in the middle and facing near insurmountable odds, Drew chooses to bring his by-the-book partner back to help. Drew must use their experience with combating gangs to force the Chicago mob away from the club and save his father’s future—while risking the opportunity to re-connect with his father.
OUT OF TIME—complete at 75,000 words—is an adventure novel infused with humor and action that will appeal to fans of Michael Crichton’s TMELINE and Clive Cussler’s SAHARA.
Having written professionally for the last ten years in advertising and marketing, I’ve learned the value of powerful ideas and concise execution.
Thank you for your consideration,
Allan Evans
Jan 16, 2010
QUERY: THESE ARE THE END OF DAYS
Dear [AGENT],
Howard, a thug who wears nice suits, is unexpectedly appointed to head FEMA. His first task is to find out why every plane fell from the sky (taking out the upper hierarchy of the organization). Known as brawn and an enforcer, Howard is faced with contempt and hostility as he tries to find his footing within the political corridors of power. As he scrambles to solve the mystery, he discovers an entity travelling towards the planet.
News of this approach is leaked to a nervous public, sparking a global frenzy. Religious zealots interpret it as the Second Coming of Christ. Amid a groundswell of theories and speculation, Bradley, a preacher who is grappling with his own issues of faith, is thrust into the spotlight and unwittingly becomes a religious icon.
Believing the approaching entity to be hostile, the President instigates a coalition to defend the planet. However, skeptical of the unfolding events and feeling threatened, a League of Thirty-Seven Nations is formed. They dispute the assertions of an alien entity and demand proof, all the while insisting that a plot to destabilize their governments was being executed.
As it nears the Solar System, the entity disappears. The coalition begins to fracture while the League threatens to respond to what it perceives as unnecessary American aggression. It is up to Howard to find proof in order to save the coalition and Bradley to rally the planet to face the unknown.
THESE ARE THE END OF DAYS is a completed manuscript of 110,000 words. I have never been published before, but being an eternal optimist I have already started research on a sequel. I look forward to hearing from you and hope that this initial contact will be the beginning of a long and beneficial association.
Sincerely
Lenworth Wesley
Howard, a thug who wears nice suits, is unexpectedly appointed to head FEMA. His first task is to find out why every plane fell from the sky (taking out the upper hierarchy of the organization). Known as brawn and an enforcer, Howard is faced with contempt and hostility as he tries to find his footing within the political corridors of power. As he scrambles to solve the mystery, he discovers an entity travelling towards the planet.
News of this approach is leaked to a nervous public, sparking a global frenzy. Religious zealots interpret it as the Second Coming of Christ. Amid a groundswell of theories and speculation, Bradley, a preacher who is grappling with his own issues of faith, is thrust into the spotlight and unwittingly becomes a religious icon.
Believing the approaching entity to be hostile, the President instigates a coalition to defend the planet. However, skeptical of the unfolding events and feeling threatened, a League of Thirty-Seven Nations is formed. They dispute the assertions of an alien entity and demand proof, all the while insisting that a plot to destabilize their governments was being executed.
As it nears the Solar System, the entity disappears. The coalition begins to fracture while the League threatens to respond to what it perceives as unnecessary American aggression. It is up to Howard to find proof in order to save the coalition and Bradley to rally the planet to face the unknown.
THESE ARE THE END OF DAYS is a completed manuscript of 110,000 words. I have never been published before, but being an eternal optimist I have already started research on a sequel. I look forward to hearing from you and hope that this initial contact will be the beginning of a long and beneficial association.
Sincerely
Lenworth Wesley
Jan 15, 2010
QUERY: A STORM HITS VALPARAISO
Dear [AGENT],
I am writing to you because you represented [TITLE] by [AUTHOR], and I feel A STORM HITS VALPARAISO, at 100,000 words, may suit your list.
In 1822, after twelve years of a brutal war, Spain was on the verge of losing her empire. The two greatest figures in South American history, José de San Martín and Simón Bolívar, met for the first and last time to discuss the conclusion of the conflict. They spoke alone, and no historical record was made of their meeting, where San Martín resigned to become an anonymous farmer in France. This tale of life, love and loss follows San Martín and his rag-tag army of Indians, freed slaves and ex-convicts until the dramatic meeting with Bolivar. For two hundred years San Martín's motives for stepping aside have remained a mystery. Until now.
This is my first novel, written and researched over two years in Peru and Argentina. Thank you for your consideration, I look forward to hearing from you.
Yours sincerely,
David Gaughran
www.davidgaughran.com
I am writing to you because you represented [TITLE] by [AUTHOR], and I feel A STORM HITS VALPARAISO, at 100,000 words, may suit your list.
In 1822, after twelve years of a brutal war, Spain was on the verge of losing her empire. The two greatest figures in South American history, José de San Martín and Simón Bolívar, met for the first and last time to discuss the conclusion of the conflict. They spoke alone, and no historical record was made of their meeting, where San Martín resigned to become an anonymous farmer in France. This tale of life, love and loss follows San Martín and his rag-tag army of Indians, freed slaves and ex-convicts until the dramatic meeting with Bolivar. For two hundred years San Martín's motives for stepping aside have remained a mystery. Until now.
This is my first novel, written and researched over two years in Peru and Argentina. Thank you for your consideration, I look forward to hearing from you.
Yours sincerely,
David Gaughran
www.davidgaughran.com
QUERY- THE DEVIL YOU DON'T KNOW
Dear [agent],
Burned-out newspaper editor Michael Reed reluctantly takes a call from a disgraced former nun that changes his life forever. The desperate woman’s request that he meet her son sets Michael on a quest to determine the true identity of fifteen-year-old Jordan Crane. Is the kid Jesus Christ in the flesh? A fraud? Or is he something far worse?
Within hours of the call, Michael’s life inexplicably falls apart. He loses his job and eighteen years of sobriety. Two days later, his eight-year-old son is killed on the highway in front of his home. Within seconds, Jordan Crane mysteriously arrives on the scene and places his hands on the child’s body. When the dead boy opens his eyes, Michael finds himself face to face with the unthinkable.
Fearing for his very sanity, Michael must choose between believing what his heart tells him is true and what his mind says is madness. As a journalist, Michael has valued truth over all else. But what if the truth leads not only to his own death, but the death of everything he holds dear?
My first novel, THE DEVIL YOU DON’T KNOW is a mainstream thriller complete at 113,000 words.
As a career journalist, I received several national, regional and state awards for writing and reporting. My newspaper, the Peoria Journal Star, submitted my work to the Heywood Broun Award and the Pulitzer Prize committees.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Terry Towery
[contact info]
Burned-out newspaper editor Michael Reed reluctantly takes a call from a disgraced former nun that changes his life forever. The desperate woman’s request that he meet her son sets Michael on a quest to determine the true identity of fifteen-year-old Jordan Crane. Is the kid Jesus Christ in the flesh? A fraud? Or is he something far worse?
Within hours of the call, Michael’s life inexplicably falls apart. He loses his job and eighteen years of sobriety. Two days later, his eight-year-old son is killed on the highway in front of his home. Within seconds, Jordan Crane mysteriously arrives on the scene and places his hands on the child’s body. When the dead boy opens his eyes, Michael finds himself face to face with the unthinkable.
Fearing for his very sanity, Michael must choose between believing what his heart tells him is true and what his mind says is madness. As a journalist, Michael has valued truth over all else. But what if the truth leads not only to his own death, but the death of everything he holds dear?
My first novel, THE DEVIL YOU DON’T KNOW is a mainstream thriller complete at 113,000 words.
As a career journalist, I received several national, regional and state awards for writing and reporting. My newspaper, the Peoria Journal Star, submitted my work to the Heywood Broun Award and the Pulitzer Prize committees.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Terry Towery
[contact info]
Jan 14, 2010
Query: Out of Time (2nd revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Out of Time tells the story of Drew Evans, a police officer in one of St. Paul's worst gang-infested precincts that recovers a device that allows him to travel through time. Presented with an opportunity like no other, Drew learns to control the device and travels back to visit his father, renowned musician Doc Evans. Drew chooses to visit his father in 1947 Chicago just as his father is getting his big break leading the band at the new Jazz Ltd nightclub. Of course things never go as planned—that Murphy guy got it right—and when Drew interferes with a robbery, it causes the Chicago mob to have a newfound interest in the club. Now, caught in the middle, Drew must use his experience with combating gangs to force the Chicago mob away from the club to save his father’s future—while risking the opportunity to connect with his father.
OUT OF TIME, an adventure novel complete at 75,000 words, will appeal to fans of Michael Crichton’s Tmeline and Clive Cussler’s Sahara.
Having written professionally for the last ten years in advertising and marketing, I’ve learned the value of powerful ideas and concise execution.
Thank you for your consideration,
Allan Evans
Click here to read the first revision.
Out of Time tells the story of Drew Evans, a police officer in one of St. Paul's worst gang-infested precincts that recovers a device that allows him to travel through time. Presented with an opportunity like no other, Drew learns to control the device and travels back to visit his father, renowned musician Doc Evans. Drew chooses to visit his father in 1947 Chicago just as his father is getting his big break leading the band at the new Jazz Ltd nightclub. Of course things never go as planned—that Murphy guy got it right—and when Drew interferes with a robbery, it causes the Chicago mob to have a newfound interest in the club. Now, caught in the middle, Drew must use his experience with combating gangs to force the Chicago mob away from the club to save his father’s future—while risking the opportunity to connect with his father.
OUT OF TIME, an adventure novel complete at 75,000 words, will appeal to fans of Michael Crichton’s Tmeline and Clive Cussler’s Sahara.
Having written professionally for the last ten years in advertising and marketing, I’ve learned the value of powerful ideas and concise execution.
Thank you for your consideration,
Allan Evans
Jan 13, 2010
Query- Blind Pig
Blind Pig
The unexpected discovery of a bag of money is just the beginning, as Alan tries to stay one step ahead of a drug dealer, the mob and NYPD. A crime story with a twist - suspense, romance and humor.
Accidentally stumbling onto a drug sale, Alan is forced to kill in self-defense. Fleeing with a satchel of 'appropriated' loot, he battles the drug kingpin who hopes to recoup his loss and the mobster who financed the deal.
All that might have been easy — except that his girl friend is the NYPD detective assigned to make sense of the case, which rather complicates the romance.
I grew up in Colorado and spent the 60s in Greenwich village and Little Italy. Familiarity with the West and friendships with various NYers, savory and otherwise, has allowed me to create authentic characters to populate genuine locales.
I greatly appreciate your time and consideration. The completed manuscript is available on request.
The unexpected discovery of a bag of money is just the beginning, as Alan tries to stay one step ahead of a drug dealer, the mob and NYPD. A crime story with a twist - suspense, romance and humor.
Accidentally stumbling onto a drug sale, Alan is forced to kill in self-defense. Fleeing with a satchel of 'appropriated' loot, he battles the drug kingpin who hopes to recoup his loss and the mobster who financed the deal.
All that might have been easy — except that his girl friend is the NYPD detective assigned to make sense of the case, which rather complicates the romance.
I grew up in Colorado and spent the 60s in Greenwich village and Little Italy. Familiarity with the West and friendships with various NYers, savory and otherwise, has allowed me to create authentic characters to populate genuine locales.
I greatly appreciate your time and consideration. The completed manuscript is available on request.
Query DESOLATION
Dear Secret Agent Man:
I believe you would be interested in my YA urban fantasy DESOLATION, complete at 84,000 words.
It’s time for the devil’s daughter to join the family business of ruining lives and stealing souls, but sixteen-year-old Desolation Black only wants to do good.
Desi knows she’s part demon, but what she doesn’t know is that she’s also part angel. Caught in a power struggle between her father, Luke Black, and his minions, Desi feels destined to bring death and destruction wherever she goes. Until angel and love-of-her-heart Michael shows up to help her remember who she really is.
Reginald Knowles, Luke’s right-hand-man, convinces Desi that she can make a grand gesture for good—a singular act only she can perform that will allow the Fallen Angels to be forgiven. Only after she reads from the Book of Life does Desi realize she’s been tricked and she’s just granted demons the right to possess the bodies of the children of God.
Desi will never be a normal teenage girl. But she can be good—at a cost. With Michael’s help, the balance between heaven and hell could be restored, but the price may be too high for Desi to pay.
DESOLATION is a fast-paced story that mingles the edginess of Wicked Lovely and the vision of Hush, Hush to create it’s own dark love story at the end of the world.
If you would like to consider DESOLATION, I’ll happily forward the complete manuscript to you at your request. An outline for a potential sequel is also available.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Ali Cross
ali@alicross.com
PHONE NUMBER
I believe you would be interested in my YA urban fantasy DESOLATION, complete at 84,000 words.
It’s time for the devil’s daughter to join the family business of ruining lives and stealing souls, but sixteen-year-old Desolation Black only wants to do good.
Desi knows she’s part demon, but what she doesn’t know is that she’s also part angel. Caught in a power struggle between her father, Luke Black, and his minions, Desi feels destined to bring death and destruction wherever she goes. Until angel and love-of-her-heart Michael shows up to help her remember who she really is.
Reginald Knowles, Luke’s right-hand-man, convinces Desi that she can make a grand gesture for good—a singular act only she can perform that will allow the Fallen Angels to be forgiven. Only after she reads from the Book of Life does Desi realize she’s been tricked and she’s just granted demons the right to possess the bodies of the children of God.
Desi will never be a normal teenage girl. But she can be good—at a cost. With Michael’s help, the balance between heaven and hell could be restored, but the price may be too high for Desi to pay.
DESOLATION is a fast-paced story that mingles the edginess of Wicked Lovely and the vision of Hush, Hush to create it’s own dark love story at the end of the world.
If you would like to consider DESOLATION, I’ll happily forward the complete manuscript to you at your request. An outline for a potential sequel is also available.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Ali Cross
ali@alicross.com
PHONE NUMBER
Query: Out of Time (1st revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Drew Evans, a police officer in one of St. Paul's worst gang-infested precincts, is working at the Republican National Convention when he finds himself drawn to a solitary man. Something about the man doesn’t look right. Watching him leave, he spots the glint of metal under the man’s seat, bringing a momentary vision of the Unibomber. No worries though, it’s only a cell phone that Drew pockets, planning to leave it with the lost & found.
Fighting with a burglary suspect the following week, the phone falls from his vest pocket. Recognizing it as the phone from the convention, Drew hits the re-dial button to track down the owner, when a wave of vertigo hits. When he’s able to stand, Drew find that he’s no longer leaning against his squad car; he’s in an alley. Noise draws him out of the alley; there are helicopters circling overhead and cops in full riot gear. It becomes clear that he’s back at the Republican National Convention—which ended a week ago. Stunned, Drew stares at the phone in his hand. Could he really have made a call bringing him to the past? Pressing the end button, the vertigo returns and he’s back leaning against his squad car.
Presented with an opportunity like no other, Drew makes the decision to use the device to travel back to visit his father, renowned musician Doc Evans, who died during Drew’s teenage years. Drew chooses to visit his father in 1947 Chicago at a pivotal time of his father’s life when he becomes a star headlining the Jazz Ltd nightclub. Of course things never go as planned—that Murphy guy got it right—and when Drew interferes with a robbery, it causes the Chicago mob to have a newfound interest in the club. Now, caught in the middle, Drew must use his experience with combating gangs to force the Chicago mob away from the club to save his father’s future—while risking the opportunity to connect with his father.
OUT OF TIME, an adventure novel complete at 75,000 words, will appeal to fans of Michael Crichton and Clive Cussler. This is an adventure story that has time travel, but isn’t science fiction—in the same sort of way The Time Traveler’s Wife wasn’t a science fiction story. Think of it as Mike Hammer meets Chris Hughes (the main character of Timeline).
Having written professionally for the last ten years in advertising and marketing, I’ve learned the value of powerful ideas and concise execution.
Thank you for your consideration,
Allan Evans
Drew Evans, a police officer in one of St. Paul's worst gang-infested precincts, is working at the Republican National Convention when he finds himself drawn to a solitary man. Something about the man doesn’t look right. Watching him leave, he spots the glint of metal under the man’s seat, bringing a momentary vision of the Unibomber. No worries though, it’s only a cell phone that Drew pockets, planning to leave it with the lost & found.
Fighting with a burglary suspect the following week, the phone falls from his vest pocket. Recognizing it as the phone from the convention, Drew hits the re-dial button to track down the owner, when a wave of vertigo hits. When he’s able to stand, Drew find that he’s no longer leaning against his squad car; he’s in an alley. Noise draws him out of the alley; there are helicopters circling overhead and cops in full riot gear. It becomes clear that he’s back at the Republican National Convention—which ended a week ago. Stunned, Drew stares at the phone in his hand. Could he really have made a call bringing him to the past? Pressing the end button, the vertigo returns and he’s back leaning against his squad car.
Presented with an opportunity like no other, Drew makes the decision to use the device to travel back to visit his father, renowned musician Doc Evans, who died during Drew’s teenage years. Drew chooses to visit his father in 1947 Chicago at a pivotal time of his father’s life when he becomes a star headlining the Jazz Ltd nightclub. Of course things never go as planned—that Murphy guy got it right—and when Drew interferes with a robbery, it causes the Chicago mob to have a newfound interest in the club. Now, caught in the middle, Drew must use his experience with combating gangs to force the Chicago mob away from the club to save his father’s future—while risking the opportunity to connect with his father.
OUT OF TIME, an adventure novel complete at 75,000 words, will appeal to fans of Michael Crichton and Clive Cussler. This is an adventure story that has time travel, but isn’t science fiction—in the same sort of way The Time Traveler’s Wife wasn’t a science fiction story. Think of it as Mike Hammer meets Chris Hughes (the main character of Timeline).
Having written professionally for the last ten years in advertising and marketing, I’ve learned the value of powerful ideas and concise execution.
Thank you for your consideration,
Allan Evans
QUERY- CEDARS
Cedars is a 70,000 word character-driven historical novel, in which a twelve-year-old girl has to cope with the loss of her mother and find her own future.
In Ohio and Colorado in the 1880s, Liza has to run her home and tend her younger siblings, then hire out to do the same for another widower's family. At 15, she sets out on her own for Colorado, discovering romance en route. At 16, she becomes a reporter, marries and starts a newspaper. Quite successful in whatever she does, she still feels unfulfilled and gives it all up to live alone in the wilderness. Befriended and taught by the local Indians, she learns how to survive on her own, prosper and eventually blossom into womanhood. Along the way, she rehabilitates a few broken people, helps the Indians deal with the white man's world and discovers who she is and how she has to live her life.
I grew up in Colorado, weaned on tales of hardship and survival, hardrock mining and cattle rustlers, self-sufficiency and courage. A lot of those tales were part of my family's history.
I greatly appreciate your time and consideration. The entire manuscript or portions thereof are available on request.
Sincerely yours,
The author
In Ohio and Colorado in the 1880s, Liza has to run her home and tend her younger siblings, then hire out to do the same for another widower's family. At 15, she sets out on her own for Colorado, discovering romance en route. At 16, she becomes a reporter, marries and starts a newspaper. Quite successful in whatever she does, she still feels unfulfilled and gives it all up to live alone in the wilderness. Befriended and taught by the local Indians, she learns how to survive on her own, prosper and eventually blossom into womanhood. Along the way, she rehabilitates a few broken people, helps the Indians deal with the white man's world and discovers who she is and how she has to live her life.
I grew up in Colorado, weaned on tales of hardship and survival, hardrock mining and cattle rustlers, self-sufficiency and courage. A lot of those tales were part of my family's history.
I greatly appreciate your time and consideration. The entire manuscript or portions thereof are available on request.
Sincerely yours,
The author
Jan 11, 2010
Query: OUT OF TIME
Drew Evans, a sarcastic cop in one of St. Paul's crime ridden neighborhoods, was working at the Republican National Convention (RNC) when … Let’s let him tell you what happened.
“I’ve been called a cold bitter man. Personally, I think I just drink too much lemonade. After dealing with the riots the night before, I needed to be inside or else I would shoot someone. I was working security inside the Excel Center, when I saw him. You know how it is, when you see someone that is a bit off, something about a person just doesn’t look right? I was drawn to him, and after some awkward conversation, he ambles off lost in the crowd. The glint of metal under his seat brings a momentary vision of the Unibomber. No worries, though, it’s only a cell phone. I stash it my vest, forgetting to leave it with the lost & found.
“The following week, I’m in a fight with a burglary suspect. We’re rolling on the ground, trading punches as my backup makes a welcome appearance. The suspect is being hauled off when another cop tosses me a cell phone, thinking it’s mine. I recognize it as the one from the convention last week. I hit the re-dial button to track down the owner, when a wave of vertigo hits me, doubling me over. When I can stand, I find that I’m no longer leaning against my squad car; I’m in an alley. Noise draws me out of the alley and I find myself joining a crowd moving along a city street. There are helicopters circling overhead and cops in full riot gear. Unbelievably, I am back at the RNC—which ended a week ago. I am absolutely stunned. Did I just make a call to the past? If this is a call, I want it to end. Pressing the end button, I find myself back leaning against my squad. I’m back right where—and when—I was before I fell down the rabbit hole. Curiouser and curiouser.”
Presented with an opportunity like no other, Drew makes the decision to use the device to travel back to visit his father who died during Drew’s teenage years. It had been a difficult experience, so for Drew it was a no-brainer. Go back and see his father, renowned musician Doc Evans, right when he got his big break, headlining at the Jazz Ltd nightclub— in1947 Chicago. Of course things never go as planned—that Murphy guy got it right—and when the Chicago mob decides to have an interest in the club, Drew finds himself caught right in the middle.
Out of Time, my 75,000 word adventure novel, will appeal to fans of Michael Crichton. His novels have taught me that strong characters, tight plotting and page turning action are important ingredients to a successful novel. This is a time travel adventure that’s not a science fiction story.
Having written professionally for the last ten years in advertising and marketing, I’ve learned the value of powerful ideas and concise execution.
Thank you for your consideration,
Allan Evans
“I’ve been called a cold bitter man. Personally, I think I just drink too much lemonade. After dealing with the riots the night before, I needed to be inside or else I would shoot someone. I was working security inside the Excel Center, when I saw him. You know how it is, when you see someone that is a bit off, something about a person just doesn’t look right? I was drawn to him, and after some awkward conversation, he ambles off lost in the crowd. The glint of metal under his seat brings a momentary vision of the Unibomber. No worries, though, it’s only a cell phone. I stash it my vest, forgetting to leave it with the lost & found.
“The following week, I’m in a fight with a burglary suspect. We’re rolling on the ground, trading punches as my backup makes a welcome appearance. The suspect is being hauled off when another cop tosses me a cell phone, thinking it’s mine. I recognize it as the one from the convention last week. I hit the re-dial button to track down the owner, when a wave of vertigo hits me, doubling me over. When I can stand, I find that I’m no longer leaning against my squad car; I’m in an alley. Noise draws me out of the alley and I find myself joining a crowd moving along a city street. There are helicopters circling overhead and cops in full riot gear. Unbelievably, I am back at the RNC—which ended a week ago. I am absolutely stunned. Did I just make a call to the past? If this is a call, I want it to end. Pressing the end button, I find myself back leaning against my squad. I’m back right where—and when—I was before I fell down the rabbit hole. Curiouser and curiouser.”
Presented with an opportunity like no other, Drew makes the decision to use the device to travel back to visit his father who died during Drew’s teenage years. It had been a difficult experience, so for Drew it was a no-brainer. Go back and see his father, renowned musician Doc Evans, right when he got his big break, headlining at the Jazz Ltd nightclub— in1947 Chicago. Of course things never go as planned—that Murphy guy got it right—and when the Chicago mob decides to have an interest in the club, Drew finds himself caught right in the middle.
Out of Time, my 75,000 word adventure novel, will appeal to fans of Michael Crichton. His novels have taught me that strong characters, tight plotting and page turning action are important ingredients to a successful novel. This is a time travel adventure that’s not a science fiction story.
Having written professionally for the last ten years in advertising and marketing, I’ve learned the value of powerful ideas and concise execution.
Thank you for your consideration,
Allan Evans
Jan 9, 2010
QUERY- THE UNCOMMON ONE (third revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision
Click here to read the sample pages.
I've taken everyone's comments into consideration (and read a lot of the Query Shark). I hope this one does the trick. I'm ready for your worst!
Dear [Agent Name]
When Sarah Daugherty is grabbed and knocked unconscious in the parking garage of her work, she wakes up in the safety of her car unaware of how she got there. The next day she agrees to a night out with a friend just so she won’t be alone.
Sarah catches the bartender, John Pennington, staring at her and she becomes nervous. When her ex-husband shows up unexpectedly and interrupts her evening, John comes to her aid and intervenes. He impresses her with his kindness and looks good to boot, looking perfect in every way. She boldly asks him out.
What Sarah doesn’t know is that John is a vampire.
Since the night he saved her from the serial killer, John is drawn to her so he agrees to the date. Then he discovers he can’t wipe her mind and breaks it off. She tries to convince him to reconsider and he gives the only excuse he can think of: he’s allergic to the sun.
When Sarah admits defeat and leaves, John feels incomplete without her and decides she’s worth the risk. However, someone isn’t happy they are dating and expresses their opinion in a malicious way.
Sarah’s car is vandalized, her apartment is trashed, and she suspects someone is following her. John suspects it may be Maddie, a friend of his, and he feels guilty.
When Maddie reveals to Sarah that John is a vampire and proves it, her world is shaken. Sarah runs away. However, her life is miserable without him and she comes back. Since her return, there are two attempts to kidnap her. John is determined to find the perpetrator before she is taken away from him forever.
THE UNCOMMON ONE is a paranormal romance novel complete at 109,000 words. I am a member of Romance Writers of America. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Stacy McKitrick
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision
Click here to read the sample pages.
I've taken everyone's comments into consideration (and read a lot of the Query Shark). I hope this one does the trick. I'm ready for your worst!
Dear [Agent Name]
When Sarah Daugherty is grabbed and knocked unconscious in the parking garage of her work, she wakes up in the safety of her car unaware of how she got there. The next day she agrees to a night out with a friend just so she won’t be alone.
Sarah catches the bartender, John Pennington, staring at her and she becomes nervous. When her ex-husband shows up unexpectedly and interrupts her evening, John comes to her aid and intervenes. He impresses her with his kindness and looks good to boot, looking perfect in every way. She boldly asks him out.
What Sarah doesn’t know is that John is a vampire.
Since the night he saved her from the serial killer, John is drawn to her so he agrees to the date. Then he discovers he can’t wipe her mind and breaks it off. She tries to convince him to reconsider and he gives the only excuse he can think of: he’s allergic to the sun.
When Sarah admits defeat and leaves, John feels incomplete without her and decides she’s worth the risk. However, someone isn’t happy they are dating and expresses their opinion in a malicious way.
Sarah’s car is vandalized, her apartment is trashed, and she suspects someone is following her. John suspects it may be Maddie, a friend of his, and he feels guilty.
When Maddie reveals to Sarah that John is a vampire and proves it, her world is shaken. Sarah runs away. However, her life is miserable without him and she comes back. Since her return, there are two attempts to kidnap her. John is determined to find the perpetrator before she is taken away from him forever.
THE UNCOMMON ONE is a paranormal romance novel complete at 109,000 words. I am a member of Romance Writers of America. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Stacy McKitrick
Jan 5, 2010
Query - Fallen Knight (2nd Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Ms. Agent,
My 105,000 word mystery/suspense novel, FALLEN KNIGHT, fits the material you’re in search of. Think of it in the mold of The Bowery Boys versus Professor Moriarty.
On the eve of 2011, a twisted mind is intent on replicating the largest bio-terrorism act in US history. How ironic that the only thing standing in his way is a group of aging friends who still revere the Quest for the Holy Grail.
Lee Hamilton is a middle-aged human resource manager for a manufacturing plant located in the Deep South. Aside from being recently re-married, the only thing keeping him from slipping into a mind-numbing normalcy is his occasional rendezvous with the knights. One of six college buddies, who in their mischievous heyday were labeled ‘The Knights Who Say Ni’ for their love of all things Monty Python, Lee has come to treasure his re-kindled friendship with the tight-knit group. Then tragedy strikes.
A call from Dianne Williams, the manager of the detective agency where one of the knights works, informs Lee that somebody has savagely beaten their friend into a coma. Furthermore, a mysterious illness has suddenly befallen the majority of the investigators at her agency. Lee rallies the rest of the knights to help Dianne search for the assailant, which points in the direction of one of the fallen knights previous investigations. The pursuit leads to a student responsible for a lethal high school shooting sixty miles outside the nation’s capital. Though the boy committed suicide following his rampage, the group discovers the authorities have been suppressing facts about the young shooter, including a note hinting at an ominous on-going threat. Utilizing sometimes questionable (aka illegal) methods, Dianne and the knights link a cryptic series of numbers to the boy and several other crimes, pulling the covers back on a plot more ambitious than anybody had previously imagined.
In over their heads and scrambling to avoid arrest, the boundaries of the knight’s friendship become tested. But the nickname so casually bestowed on the band many years ago, becomes prophetic as they personify the grand chivalrous behavior the title of knight once proudly stood for. And if they fail, a lethal biological agent will be unleashed on the streets of Washington DC.
Thank you, Ms. Agent, for your consideration of this query. At your request, I will be happy to send along the complete manuscript.
Sincerely,
DL Hammons
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Ms. Agent,
My 105,000 word mystery/suspense novel, FALLEN KNIGHT, fits the material you’re in search of. Think of it in the mold of The Bowery Boys versus Professor Moriarty.
On the eve of 2011, a twisted mind is intent on replicating the largest bio-terrorism act in US history. How ironic that the only thing standing in his way is a group of aging friends who still revere the Quest for the Holy Grail.
Lee Hamilton is a middle-aged human resource manager for a manufacturing plant located in the Deep South. Aside from being recently re-married, the only thing keeping him from slipping into a mind-numbing normalcy is his occasional rendezvous with the knights. One of six college buddies, who in their mischievous heyday were labeled ‘The Knights Who Say Ni’ for their love of all things Monty Python, Lee has come to treasure his re-kindled friendship with the tight-knit group. Then tragedy strikes.
A call from Dianne Williams, the manager of the detective agency where one of the knights works, informs Lee that somebody has savagely beaten their friend into a coma. Furthermore, a mysterious illness has suddenly befallen the majority of the investigators at her agency. Lee rallies the rest of the knights to help Dianne search for the assailant, which points in the direction of one of the fallen knights previous investigations. The pursuit leads to a student responsible for a lethal high school shooting sixty miles outside the nation’s capital. Though the boy committed suicide following his rampage, the group discovers the authorities have been suppressing facts about the young shooter, including a note hinting at an ominous on-going threat. Utilizing sometimes questionable (aka illegal) methods, Dianne and the knights link a cryptic series of numbers to the boy and several other crimes, pulling the covers back on a plot more ambitious than anybody had previously imagined.
In over their heads and scrambling to avoid arrest, the boundaries of the knight’s friendship become tested. But the nickname so casually bestowed on the band many years ago, becomes prophetic as they personify the grand chivalrous behavior the title of knight once proudly stood for. And if they fail, a lethal biological agent will be unleashed on the streets of Washington DC.
Thank you, Ms. Agent, for your consideration of this query. At your request, I will be happy to send along the complete manuscript.
Sincerely,
DL Hammons
Jan 4, 2010
QUERY-WITHOUT HER
Dear Agent,
I am seeking representation for my 77,000-word young adult novel, Without Her.
After her older sister commits suicide, sixteen-year-old Lana Lindval, stuck in a desolate North Dakota oil town, struggles to rebuild her life. Her sister Skye was unreliable, emotional, and sometimes even cruel, but she always protected Lana. Now Lana has to forge her own way, and the fact that she’s alienated her old friends doesn’t make it any easier.
The only one willing to put up with Lana now is her born-again cousin Britta, and even Britta has an agenda. Britta wants Lana to become a model Christian, but Lana is more interested in Tucker Stevens, a new boy with a smart mouth and a rebellious streak. Britta thinks he’s dangerous, but Lana is sure she’s wrong. Tucker’s example gives Lana the courage to act on her desperate need to get away from Burnt Earth. But her mother, who has grown overprotective since Skye’s death, resists all her plans to gain more independence—including her friendship with Tucker.
Her mother’s disapproval drives Lana to spend even more time with Tucker, who understands how trapped she feels. He may not be completely open about his past—or his love life—but he really listens to her, and Lana is more and more convinced that she’s the one who’s right about Tucker. But when a stupid idea turns into a trip to jail, Lana catches Tucker in a big lie. Maybe Britta and her mother were right all along.
Thank you for considering Without Her. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
I am seeking representation for my 77,000-word young adult novel, Without Her.
After her older sister commits suicide, sixteen-year-old Lana Lindval, stuck in a desolate North Dakota oil town, struggles to rebuild her life. Her sister Skye was unreliable, emotional, and sometimes even cruel, but she always protected Lana. Now Lana has to forge her own way, and the fact that she’s alienated her old friends doesn’t make it any easier.
The only one willing to put up with Lana now is her born-again cousin Britta, and even Britta has an agenda. Britta wants Lana to become a model Christian, but Lana is more interested in Tucker Stevens, a new boy with a smart mouth and a rebellious streak. Britta thinks he’s dangerous, but Lana is sure she’s wrong. Tucker’s example gives Lana the courage to act on her desperate need to get away from Burnt Earth. But her mother, who has grown overprotective since Skye’s death, resists all her plans to gain more independence—including her friendship with Tucker.
Her mother’s disapproval drives Lana to spend even more time with Tucker, who understands how trapped she feels. He may not be completely open about his past—or his love life—but he really listens to her, and Lana is more and more convinced that she’s the one who’s right about Tucker. But when a stupid idea turns into a trip to jail, Lana catches Tucker in a big lie. Maybe Britta and her mother were right all along.
Thank you for considering Without Her. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Jan 2, 2010
Query: The Rough on the Diamond
Dear Agent,
The Rough on the Diamond takes game of baseball where it's never been before: the barren plains of West Africa.
Blake Portis is an ex-backup catcher who has failed as a ballplayer, a broadcaster, a coach and a human being. All he has to show for his years in the major leagues is enough money to buy anything he could ever want and not a single thing he truly needs. Fed up with the game that turned its back on him and on the verge of a personal breakdown, Portis gets one last chance through a job as a scout in the baseball wasteland of Africa.
Portis soon realizes prospects are nowhere to be found and plans to give up, but a chance encounter takes Blake to the small nation of Senegal, where a peculiar doctor has started a baseball program out of the dust. What he finds in Senegal – young boys with a passion for the game and true, unadulterated talent – makes Blake remember why he loved baseball in the first place. In partnership with the doctor, Portis helps guide the baseball program toward its ultimate goal: an African-born player in the major leagues. Along the way, Blake Portis finds love, hope and, ultimately, his own salvation in the land of the griot storytellers.
For over 10 years I worked as an editor, reporter and sportswriter at newspapers and magazines of all sizes across the Midwest, winning numerous writing awards from the press associations of Missouri, Kansas and Arkansas.
The Rough on the Diamond is complete at 80,000 words. Thank you in advance for considering it. May I send you a synopsis, sample chapters or the full manuscript?
Sincerely,
Matt Kelsey
The Rough on the Diamond takes game of baseball where it's never been before: the barren plains of West Africa.
Blake Portis is an ex-backup catcher who has failed as a ballplayer, a broadcaster, a coach and a human being. All he has to show for his years in the major leagues is enough money to buy anything he could ever want and not a single thing he truly needs. Fed up with the game that turned its back on him and on the verge of a personal breakdown, Portis gets one last chance through a job as a scout in the baseball wasteland of Africa.
Portis soon realizes prospects are nowhere to be found and plans to give up, but a chance encounter takes Blake to the small nation of Senegal, where a peculiar doctor has started a baseball program out of the dust. What he finds in Senegal – young boys with a passion for the game and true, unadulterated talent – makes Blake remember why he loved baseball in the first place. In partnership with the doctor, Portis helps guide the baseball program toward its ultimate goal: an African-born player in the major leagues. Along the way, Blake Portis finds love, hope and, ultimately, his own salvation in the land of the griot storytellers.
For over 10 years I worked as an editor, reporter and sportswriter at newspapers and magazines of all sizes across the Midwest, winning numerous writing awards from the press associations of Missouri, Kansas and Arkansas.
The Rough on the Diamond is complete at 80,000 words. Thank you in advance for considering it. May I send you a synopsis, sample chapters or the full manuscript?
Sincerely,
Matt Kelsey
QUERY - SECOND SIGHT
Seven years ago,a frightened five year old escaped from his kidnapper, hid in the woods for days, and finally surrended to the Hawthorns who found him scavaging from their cafe trash cans. He's known as MICK HAWTHORN today and the most frightening thing that's happened to him lately is kissing JULIE RAINWATER at a summer Band picnic.Then the nightmares begin.
A new preacher has come to Jasper, Arkansas, population 500. As his generic prayer for a safe sports season rolls over the students at the first school pep rally, Mick is shocked to recognize the voice he feared as a child. But PASTOR RICHTER is charismatic and the community flocks to join his congregation.
Mick confronts Richter, who laughs and tells him that no one will ever believe his story. When Julie and some of the other girls begin attending extra study sessions at the church and plan a trip with Richter to present a play at other churches in St Louis, Mick knows that the man has chosen his new victims.
Mick joins the drama group, persuading Richter that he holds no grudges for his mistreatment. During a storm, the students are abandoned at a cabin on the way to Missouri. Waking from a drugged sleep, Mick forces Richter into releasing two of the girls, but nearly loses Julie as the preacher attempts to drive away.
The final solution to stopping Richter is up to Mick. Even though he is smaller, he attacks the man, drives him into the woods, and contacts the authorities. Sometimes even a boy has to summon the force within himself to be the hero.
Second Sight is a 40,000 word novel for middle grades.
A new preacher has come to Jasper, Arkansas, population 500. As his generic prayer for a safe sports season rolls over the students at the first school pep rally, Mick is shocked to recognize the voice he feared as a child. But PASTOR RICHTER is charismatic and the community flocks to join his congregation.
Mick confronts Richter, who laughs and tells him that no one will ever believe his story. When Julie and some of the other girls begin attending extra study sessions at the church and plan a trip with Richter to present a play at other churches in St Louis, Mick knows that the man has chosen his new victims.
Mick joins the drama group, persuading Richter that he holds no grudges for his mistreatment. During a storm, the students are abandoned at a cabin on the way to Missouri. Waking from a drugged sleep, Mick forces Richter into releasing two of the girls, but nearly loses Julie as the preacher attempts to drive away.
The final solution to stopping Richter is up to Mick. Even though he is smaller, he attacks the man, drives him into the woods, and contacts the authorities. Sometimes even a boy has to summon the force within himself to be the hero.
Second Sight is a 40,000 word novel for middle grades.
Dec 26, 2009
QUERY - THE GATEWAY
When people dream, this does not happen in their head. Their mind projects to the Other World and they experience dreams. Their connection is tenuous and fleeting. Jordan Quinn’s is not.
When Jordan is visiting a friend in South Korea he is attacked by a mysterious woman, put to sleep and imprisoned in the Other World.
After he begins to hear voices telling him to save a little Russian girl, he finds hope that he can wake. But matters are complicated when he is kidnapped by Nnekara, a deadly African woman with the power to animate and control shadows. Nnekara has also been put to sleep by the woman, but with the intent of keeping Jordan occupied and out of the way while the dream world is being merged with reality.
Jordan finds that as things change, and the merger nears completion, the woman gets closer to releasing a group of long-forgotten gods, the Dreamwalkers, to usher in the extinction of the human race.
Jordan must gain mastery over his power as the gateway between the worlds and race to save the young Russian girl from dying if he has any hope of thwarting the woman's plans or waking again.
With a basis in real world mythologies, THE GATEWAY – a young adult fantasy complete at 73,000 words – explores a new world by recreating and redefining what we all experience as dreams.
I have a degree in Russian studies and have lived in both Russia and South Korea. Together, my education, travels and understanding of other cultures play a huge part in the unfolding tale, as the world we know ceases to exist and we find people across the globe – each with their own unique abilities – coming together and choosing sides.
THE GATEWAY is a standalone novel, but the first in a planned series. If you are interested, I would love to send the full manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.
When Jordan is visiting a friend in South Korea he is attacked by a mysterious woman, put to sleep and imprisoned in the Other World.
After he begins to hear voices telling him to save a little Russian girl, he finds hope that he can wake. But matters are complicated when he is kidnapped by Nnekara, a deadly African woman with the power to animate and control shadows. Nnekara has also been put to sleep by the woman, but with the intent of keeping Jordan occupied and out of the way while the dream world is being merged with reality.
Jordan finds that as things change, and the merger nears completion, the woman gets closer to releasing a group of long-forgotten gods, the Dreamwalkers, to usher in the extinction of the human race.
Jordan must gain mastery over his power as the gateway between the worlds and race to save the young Russian girl from dying if he has any hope of thwarting the woman's plans or waking again.
With a basis in real world mythologies, THE GATEWAY – a young adult fantasy complete at 73,000 words – explores a new world by recreating and redefining what we all experience as dreams.
I have a degree in Russian studies and have lived in both Russia and South Korea. Together, my education, travels and understanding of other cultures play a huge part in the unfolding tale, as the world we know ceases to exist and we find people across the globe – each with their own unique abilities – coming together and choosing sides.
THE GATEWAY is a standalone novel, but the first in a planned series. If you are interested, I would love to send the full manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Dec 23, 2009
Query - Fallen Knight (1st Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Ms. Agent,
My 105,000 word mystery/thriller, FALLEN KNIGHT, fits the mold of material you’re in search of and I’m excited at the possibility of you representing me.
In 1984, the largest bioterrorism attack documented in US history took place in the Pacific Northwest. More than 750 residents were sickened in this barely publicized incident, fortunately there were no fatalities. But somebody did take notice and now believes they can do better. When Lee Hamilton answers an early morning call asking for help tracking down the person responsible for a vicious attack of a close friend, little does he realize that he’ll come face to face with the individual determined to make that event happen.
Lee is a middle-aged human resource manager from a small southern town. He’s also one of six college friends who in their hey-day were labeled ‘The Knights Who Say Ni’. Lee’s troubles begin when he rallies the other knights to assist Dianne Williams, the manager of the detective agency where their stricken friend works, to search for the assailant. The trail leads them to a six-month old deadly high school shooting sixty miles outside the nation’s capital. There they discover the authorities have been suppressing facts about the young shooter, like a note found on his body hinting of plans to cause further misery. Although the knight’s methods are unconventional, when a cryptic series of numbers link several other crimes to the boy, it pulls the covers back on an unbelievable plot.
In over their heads with the boundaries of the knight’s friendship tested, they must scramble to avoid arrest by a suspicious police detective and the FBI. Racing to unravel the scheme before it’s too late; ironically they come to personify the grand chivalrous behavior their nick-name once proudly stood for. At stake if they fail, the unleashing of a lethal biological agent on the streets of Washington DC.
Thank you, Ms. Agent, for your consideration of this query. At your request, I will be happy to send along the complete manuscript.
Sincerely,
DL Hammons
Dear Ms. Agent,
My 105,000 word mystery/thriller, FALLEN KNIGHT, fits the mold of material you’re in search of and I’m excited at the possibility of you representing me.
In 1984, the largest bioterrorism attack documented in US history took place in the Pacific Northwest. More than 750 residents were sickened in this barely publicized incident, fortunately there were no fatalities. But somebody did take notice and now believes they can do better. When Lee Hamilton answers an early morning call asking for help tracking down the person responsible for a vicious attack of a close friend, little does he realize that he’ll come face to face with the individual determined to make that event happen.
Lee is a middle-aged human resource manager from a small southern town. He’s also one of six college friends who in their hey-day were labeled ‘The Knights Who Say Ni’. Lee’s troubles begin when he rallies the other knights to assist Dianne Williams, the manager of the detective agency where their stricken friend works, to search for the assailant. The trail leads them to a six-month old deadly high school shooting sixty miles outside the nation’s capital. There they discover the authorities have been suppressing facts about the young shooter, like a note found on his body hinting of plans to cause further misery. Although the knight’s methods are unconventional, when a cryptic series of numbers link several other crimes to the boy, it pulls the covers back on an unbelievable plot.
In over their heads with the boundaries of the knight’s friendship tested, they must scramble to avoid arrest by a suspicious police detective and the FBI. Racing to unravel the scheme before it’s too late; ironically they come to personify the grand chivalrous behavior their nick-name once proudly stood for. At stake if they fail, the unleashing of a lethal biological agent on the streets of Washington DC.
Thank you, Ms. Agent, for your consideration of this query. At your request, I will be happy to send along the complete manuscript.
Sincerely,
DL Hammons
Dec 21, 2009
Query - Fallen Knight
Dear Ms. Agent,
My research led me to your agencies web-site and your particular interest in mystery/thrillers. I believe my 105,000 word novel, FALLEN KNIGHT, fits the mold of material you’re in search of and hope you consider representing me. If successful, I envision the characters from my novel evolving into a series.
In 1984, the largest bioterrorism attack documented in US history took place in Dalles, Oregon. More than 750 individuals were sickened, but luckily there were no fatalities.
Now, somebody thinks they can do better. When Lee Hamilton answers an early morning call asking for help tracking down the person responsible for a viscous attack of a close friend, little does he realize that it will put him on a collision course with the person determined to make just that event happen.
Lee is just a middle-aged human resource manager from a small southern town, but he’s also a knight. One of six college friends who in their hey-day were labeled ‘The Knights Who Say Ni’, Lee’s troubles begin when he rallies the other knights to assist Dianne Williams, the manager of the detective agency where their stricken friend works, to search for the assailant. The trail of clues leads them to a six-month old deadly high school shooting sixty miles outside the nation’s capital and a cryptic suicide note that brags I’m not finished yet. Although the knight’s method of solving jigsaw puzzles are unconventional, when the pieces do start coming together it pulls the covers back on an unbelievable pattern of crimes.
In over their heads with the boundaries of the knight’s friendship tested, they must scramble to avoid arrest by a suspicious police detective and the FBI. The rag-tag group seeks to unravel a sinister plot as they race the clock. At stake if they fail, the unleashing of a bio-terrorism attack on the streets of Washington DC.
From an agoraphobic taxi-driver, to a love-sick high school student forced to hide a terrible secret, even the secondary characters in FALLEN KNIGHT are memorable. Thank you, Ms. Agent, for your consideration of this query. At your request, I will be happy to send along the complete manuscript.
Sincerely,
DL Hammons
My research led me to your agencies web-site and your particular interest in mystery/thrillers. I believe my 105,000 word novel, FALLEN KNIGHT, fits the mold of material you’re in search of and hope you consider representing me. If successful, I envision the characters from my novel evolving into a series.
In 1984, the largest bioterrorism attack documented in US history took place in Dalles, Oregon. More than 750 individuals were sickened, but luckily there were no fatalities.
Now, somebody thinks they can do better. When Lee Hamilton answers an early morning call asking for help tracking down the person responsible for a viscous attack of a close friend, little does he realize that it will put him on a collision course with the person determined to make just that event happen.
Lee is just a middle-aged human resource manager from a small southern town, but he’s also a knight. One of six college friends who in their hey-day were labeled ‘The Knights Who Say Ni’, Lee’s troubles begin when he rallies the other knights to assist Dianne Williams, the manager of the detective agency where their stricken friend works, to search for the assailant. The trail of clues leads them to a six-month old deadly high school shooting sixty miles outside the nation’s capital and a cryptic suicide note that brags I’m not finished yet. Although the knight’s method of solving jigsaw puzzles are unconventional, when the pieces do start coming together it pulls the covers back on an unbelievable pattern of crimes.
In over their heads with the boundaries of the knight’s friendship tested, they must scramble to avoid arrest by a suspicious police detective and the FBI. The rag-tag group seeks to unravel a sinister plot as they race the clock. At stake if they fail, the unleashing of a bio-terrorism attack on the streets of Washington DC.
From an agoraphobic taxi-driver, to a love-sick high school student forced to hide a terrible secret, even the secondary characters in FALLEN KNIGHT are memorable. Thank you, Ms. Agent, for your consideration of this query. At your request, I will be happy to send along the complete manuscript.
Sincerely,
DL Hammons
QUERY - INTELLIGENT DESIGN REVISION 1 (original posted Oct 31, 2009)
Click here to read the original query.
Detective Inspector Lane has less than a week to prove three recent deaths were not the work of a serial killer. All three died in a similar way after falling from buildings and all three died on a Sunday.
Coincidence? Or is there a vicious killer on the loose in London with a liking for high places and an aversion to Sundays?
David, a journalist for the London Evening People, thinks the story makes good copy and he has piqued public interest with a series of articles designed to convince his readers there is more to the deaths than just coincidence.
All the press interest is proving much more difficult for DI Lane to deal with than the investigation itself. The Chief Inspector has given her until Sunday to prove the deaths were nothing more than accidents and quell the rising public hysteria. But when a witness also dies in mysterious circumstances, it seems there is very little DI Lane can do to convince the public a serial killer is not stalking the streets of London.
And now, she too is having her doubts.
Intelligent Design is a completed 95,000 word crime novel set in contemporary London.
Detective Inspector Lane has less than a week to prove three recent deaths were not the work of a serial killer. All three died in a similar way after falling from buildings and all three died on a Sunday.
Coincidence? Or is there a vicious killer on the loose in London with a liking for high places and an aversion to Sundays?
David, a journalist for the London Evening People, thinks the story makes good copy and he has piqued public interest with a series of articles designed to convince his readers there is more to the deaths than just coincidence.
All the press interest is proving much more difficult for DI Lane to deal with than the investigation itself. The Chief Inspector has given her until Sunday to prove the deaths were nothing more than accidents and quell the rising public hysteria. But when a witness also dies in mysterious circumstances, it seems there is very little DI Lane can do to convince the public a serial killer is not stalking the streets of London.
And now, she too is having her doubts.
Intelligent Design is a completed 95,000 word crime novel set in contemporary London.
Dec 19, 2009
QUERY - THE UNCOMMON ONE (2nd revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the sample pages.
Okay - after much thought and re-writes, I hope I came up with something that doesn't sound like TWILIGHT.
Dear [Agent Name]
Like all vampires, John Pennington can slip into the minds of mortals and control their thoughts and actions. Touch their skin and he can read their thoughts or bring the ones he wants to the surface, and his saliva can heal the marks his teeth leave behind after he feeds on them. But unlike most vampires, when John sees a mortal in trouble, he will step in and help any way he can as long as it doesn’t reveal his true identity.
So he doesn’t do anything different on the night he finds an unconscious woman being tossed into a trunk by a serial killer. It’s not until he places the still unconscious woman in her car that he discovers a scent so enticing it draws him closer to her and when he touches her skin, he feels a rush of warmth he never thought possible. He’s intrigued, but vampires don’t involve themselves with humans and he leaves her, without any knowledge of him or his deed.
Sarah Daugherty has survived an abusive ex-husband and is on her own for the first time. When she wakes in her car with vague memories of being abducted, she’s terrified, and the following night takes up an offer to go out after work. Only looking for company, what she finds instead is a sexy bartender named John. So what if he’s allergic to the sun. So what if he’s on a special liquid diet. His touch causes her heart to race and sets her body on fire. She convinces him to give dating a chance.
John finds himself falling in love with Sarah and it’s with all his inner strength to keep their relationship platonic, for he made a promise to himself that he wouldn’t make love to her until she knew the truth. But the fear of losing her forever becomes too much of a risk for him to take and he keeps putting off what he knows in his heart he must do.
THE UNCOMMON ONE is a paranormal romance of 109,000 words. The complete manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Stacy McKitrick
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the sample pages.
Okay - after much thought and re-writes, I hope I came up with something that doesn't sound like TWILIGHT.
Dear [Agent Name]
Like all vampires, John Pennington can slip into the minds of mortals and control their thoughts and actions. Touch their skin and he can read their thoughts or bring the ones he wants to the surface, and his saliva can heal the marks his teeth leave behind after he feeds on them. But unlike most vampires, when John sees a mortal in trouble, he will step in and help any way he can as long as it doesn’t reveal his true identity.
So he doesn’t do anything different on the night he finds an unconscious woman being tossed into a trunk by a serial killer. It’s not until he places the still unconscious woman in her car that he discovers a scent so enticing it draws him closer to her and when he touches her skin, he feels a rush of warmth he never thought possible. He’s intrigued, but vampires don’t involve themselves with humans and he leaves her, without any knowledge of him or his deed.
Sarah Daugherty has survived an abusive ex-husband and is on her own for the first time. When she wakes in her car with vague memories of being abducted, she’s terrified, and the following night takes up an offer to go out after work. Only looking for company, what she finds instead is a sexy bartender named John. So what if he’s allergic to the sun. So what if he’s on a special liquid diet. His touch causes her heart to race and sets her body on fire. She convinces him to give dating a chance.
John finds himself falling in love with Sarah and it’s with all his inner strength to keep their relationship platonic, for he made a promise to himself that he wouldn’t make love to her until she knew the truth. But the fear of losing her forever becomes too much of a risk for him to take and he keeps putting off what he knows in his heart he must do.
THE UNCOMMON ONE is a paranormal romance of 109,000 words. The complete manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Stacy McKitrick
Dec 16, 2009
REVISED QUERY- ALONG THE BEACH
Thanks so much for the earlier round of feedback. Here's the revised version. Does it hit the mark? Gary
A horde of killer bees in Borneo. An armed robbery in Los Angeles. A deadly riptide off the Pacific. Malaria in East Africa. A vision of a lady in white guiding him to safety each time. For travel photographer Lee Merrick, the extraordinary is the ordinary.
As the mysterious lady’s ethereal hands guide Lee’s at the piano to play a Chopin prelude he never knew, he wonders about the prophecy from his youth that foretells he will someday meet “Her” along the beach. But his mother, who has kept the secret of her own dark prophecy, is compelled to sabotage his pursuit at all costs—even if it means having Lee institutionalized against his will.
Time is running out for Lee. The polished lens of his photojournalist’s camera fails him, and he must learn to see with his inner sight. Mounting clues beckon him toward this woman who pleads for his belief in her and their love. But will he uncover the truth before his obsession robs him of his family, friends, and freedom?
ALONG THE BEACH is a 108,000-word New Age novel.
My metaphysical piece Atlantis, Arise appeared in the national magazine [magazine title listed here]. The pyramids, temples, and mysterious places highlighted in Along The Beach are written with authenticity based on nearly two decades of sojourns exploring those locations across the world with metaphysical societies.
Thank you for considering Along The Beach.
Sincerely,
(me)
A horde of killer bees in Borneo. An armed robbery in Los Angeles. A deadly riptide off the Pacific. Malaria in East Africa. A vision of a lady in white guiding him to safety each time. For travel photographer Lee Merrick, the extraordinary is the ordinary.
As the mysterious lady’s ethereal hands guide Lee’s at the piano to play a Chopin prelude he never knew, he wonders about the prophecy from his youth that foretells he will someday meet “Her” along the beach. But his mother, who has kept the secret of her own dark prophecy, is compelled to sabotage his pursuit at all costs—even if it means having Lee institutionalized against his will.
Time is running out for Lee. The polished lens of his photojournalist’s camera fails him, and he must learn to see with his inner sight. Mounting clues beckon him toward this woman who pleads for his belief in her and their love. But will he uncover the truth before his obsession robs him of his family, friends, and freedom?
ALONG THE BEACH is a 108,000-word New Age novel.
My metaphysical piece Atlantis, Arise appeared in the national magazine [magazine title listed here]. The pyramids, temples, and mysterious places highlighted in Along The Beach are written with authenticity based on nearly two decades of sojourns exploring those locations across the world with metaphysical societies.
Thank you for considering Along The Beach.
Sincerely,
(me)
Dec 15, 2009
Sample Pages - THE ELEANOR STORY - young adult
Memories can stick like a tongue to a frosty pole in the middle of winter. Pulling and tugging to break free will only dismember the delicate skin leaving it raw and exposed.
Exposed.
I remember the exact day the spot light turned on me and everyone noticed the quiet girl who barely ever spoke. And by spotlight, I don't mean me slipping on a pair of tap shoes and performing an excerpt from a Broadway musical. More like I was standing naked with my classmates running at me, a magnifying glass pressed to their eye. Okay, that's a bit dramatic, but seriously it was bad.
Sister Clarisse calls it adolescence or puberty, but I call it exposure and the time when every girl's self-esteem is mutilated, dismembered. For me, my moment of exposure happened at the
beginning of eighth grade.
"What do you think we'll have to do?" Alison whispered to me that morning before school.
I opened my bag and started pulling out books, throwing them on top of the desk. "I don't know. Sister Clarisse didn't give us any details."
My nervous tone reflected the buzz of voices drifting through the classroom. Everyone was feeling it. Today was different. Of course when you're my age, you can't let anyone but your very best friends know the idea of watching The Movie was freakin' scary. Yes, that's right, Ellie Cummings was petrified of this official rite of passage into the teenage world, but never in a million years would I have guessed how much was about to change from The Movie. If I had
known I probably would have faked an illness this morning and never left my house.
I hung my bag on the back of my chair and tugged at my green and navy pleated skirt. It was identical to the one Alison wore, but on her the required uniform was a fashion statement. Alison was already five foot five and growing constantly and not in the gangly awkward way, but in the
I'm-thirteen-but-the-ninth-grade-boys-all-snap-their-heads-in-my-direction way. Mostly because this summer she started growing things I didn't have yet. Well not a b-cup anyway.
Don't think I spend all my time obsessing over the bra size of my classmates, but it was the first week of school and everyone changed over the summer. Alison changed the most of all the
girls and of course it didn't go unnoticed. Me, well let's just say I have the flattest chest in my entire class. This is not opinion based. It's a fact. Even Freddie Livingston has bigger boobs than me. Seriously, he does. I cringe every time Freddie is on the "skins" team when the boys play basketball in the gym.
In just a few days of school I was beginning to realize everything is more complicated in eighth grade. For starters, we moved to the high school wing with the ninth graders and switched classrooms every hour, bumping into them in the hallway. My school messes with the entire genetics of high school by making ninth graders the dominating force and then moving them on to a new school as sophomores.
It's just wrong.
Of course I won't be complaining next year when I'm one of those ninth graders.
But if you're unlucky like me, and scored high on your standardized testing you might even end up in a few classes with them. Talk about feeling like a puny little girl.
My other best friend Hailey leaned in close to Alison and I before whispering, "My sister told me they make everyone put condoms on oranges."
Hailey's sister is in tenth grade this year and entertains herself by giving Hailey a load of crap to see if she'll believe it.
I rolled my eyes. "You don't put condoms on oranges, bananas maybe?"
Alison giggled beside me then put her hand over her mouth when Sister Janet glared in our direction. Hailey's forehead wrinkled and I could tell she was going to give herself a head ache thinking this hard.
I put my hand on her shoulder to calm her down before whispering as quietly as possible, "Hailey we're not going to put condoms on anything . This isn't public school. Catholics stress
abstinence, not birth control."
Her face relaxed.
Alison shook her head, eyes glued to the folder in her hands. "Ellie's right."
TJ the cutest boy in our grade strolled past us and we all three immediately jumped apart from our huddled girl talk.
TJ's eyes fell on Alison. His cheeks blushed a little, then he hurried over to his desk.
"Did you see that," Hailey squealed.
I clapped my hand over her mouth to shut her up. Alison threw me a grateful look. Last year we made a pact to never be those girls. The squealing ones who pretend their idiots and refuse to eat in front of boys. Hailey can't help herself. She's naturally ditzy and forgetful. It has nothing to do with male presence, so we still love her.
"My house after school," Alison reminded us of our Friday tradition which was nothing more than hanging out, pigging out, making fun of the popular girls (the Pact to stay 'squeal free' evolved from one of these sessions), and occasionally inventing stories about what the nuns really do after school (my personal favorite).
"Sarah and Claire are coming. I called them last night," Hailey said, referring to our other two best friends. They were in a different class this year.
"Alright everyone get your Math books out and start with the problems on page ten," Sister Janet said. She narrowed her eyes at me, inclining one hand toward the door. Freddie and Dara zipped past, books tucked under their arms.
I swallowed hard and threw Alison and Hailey a desperate look. Alison bit her lower lip and Hailey chewed on her thumb nail. They were the most supportive friends a girl could have, but they didn't have to leave. I did.
Day five of Algebra with the ninth graders had officially begun.
I grabbed my book and hurried after Freddie and Dara. My stomach did flip-flops while I made the long walk down the hall. But the barfy feeling was completely unrelated to the impending movie and everything to with the older kids. Being forced into their world, even if only for academic reasons would frightened the coolest of eighth graders (which I wasn't). They didn't want me there anymore than I wanted to be there. It was such a fun hour. Let me tell you.
Sister Janet says there's always something to be grateful for- someone who was worse off. Whenever I sit in class behind the most popular ninth grade girl April Jenson, it's difficult to be grateful for anything God has blessed me with. But then I look over at Jenny Ludwig and give thanks that my mother doesn't make me wear the little girl jumpers instead of the skirts. Seriously, she's fourteen with a plaid jumper, white button down Peter Pan collar shirt, knee socks and black Mary Jane's.
I. Kid. You. Not.
After glancing at Jenny the first day of school, I forced myself to look down at my socially acceptable skirt, navy school polo and Nike's then I said: Yes, there is a God! I may not be April Jenson, but Sister Janet is right. It could be worse.
I took in a deep breath before entering the classroom, letting my eyes drop to stare at my shoes like I was examining them for dog crap stuck to the bottom. It's an unspoken rule not to make eye contact with the ninth graders while on their turf (which I was). I slid into my seat and noticed Mrs. Halloway wasn't in the in the room yet. Frightening. I was writing the date on the top of my notebook page when someone tapped me on the shoulder.
My heart started pounding in my chest. It must be a trick. I wasn't turning around just to have someone shove my finger up my nose and ask me if I'm digging for gold (this happened to Freddie yesterday, I felt terrible for him).
"Ellie, are you ignoring me?" a voice whispered in my ear.
A familiar voice. But it couldn't be. I turned quickly in my seat and stared right into Justin's green eyes.
"What are you doing here?" I couldn't help asking.
He smiled. "It's not an all girl's school."
I rolled my eyes. "You wish. But I thought you were going to George Washington?"
"My parents had me on the waiting list all summer. A spot opened up at the last minute. I've been here for a week waiting for you to talk to me." He frowned and reached his hand toward my shirt and pulled off a cat hair. "Albert Einstein's been rolling in your laundry basket again, hasn't he?"
I laughed and pushed his hand away. "I wasn't ignoring you. I didn't know you were here. Plus I'm an eighth grader. I'll probably get hung or lynched just for this little chat."
I turned around then because Mrs. Halloway walked in to the room and I realized immediately several pairs of eyes were on me.
Spotlight number one. I wished more than anything this was the only one. It wasn't.
My cheeks burned and I slid down in my seat hoping Mrs. Halloway would jump right in to complex equations. She did jump into the lesson but not the long boring lecture I hoped for. No, that would be lucky (which I wasn't). And that would be reserved for traditional teachers
(which Mrs. Halloway wasn't).
Today we were doing a hands-on project- calculating angles of large objects outside using Algebraic and geometric formulas. So when she started to partner us up I glanced hopefully at Dara, even Freddie would do. Eighth graders needed to stick together, but instead I get-
"April Jenson," Mrs. Halloway said.
April stood and flipped her blonde hair over her shoulder.
Mrs. Halloway looked down at her clip board. "April your partner will be, Eleanor Cummings."
My face turned even redder and I ducked down pretending to pick up something from the floor.
"Eleanor Cummings," Mrs. Halloway spoke with such authority I jerked up quickly banging my head on the desk, hard.
I stood feeling the burn of everyone's eyes.
Spotlight number two.
Mrs. Halloway was new and didn't know name's yet. She was just reading off the roster and the damage she caused was completely unintentional.
I heard Justin laugh a little under his breath and mutter, "Eleanor."
I had been Ellie Cummings since preschool. Like every other day, I walked in as Ellie. But today, I left as Eleanor and today of all days Eleanor was the absolute worst name to have.
Query - THE ELEANOR STORY - young adult
On her fourteenth birthday, Ellie Cummings had one amazing, seventy-two second kiss with the cutest boy in school. Three days later she is officially the St. Vincent Academy slut.
Ellie was given the same warning as all the eighth grade girls at St. Vincent's: Your reputation is a valuable possession and you must protect it. Sister Clarisse's message swam straight over shy Ellie's head. Until the movie following the nun's speech. The moment the words flashed across the screen, she knew she was in trouble: The Eleanor Story: A Story Of A Girl Who's Reputation Got In The Way Of Her Relationship With God.
The girl was easy and boy crazy and she'd rather be kissing than praying. And they had the same name! All Ellie can do is hope everyone will forget The Movie soon. They might have too if Justin Sampson, Ellie's best summer pal, hadn't transferred to her school. Even Ellie can't dismiss the fact that Justin is really cute. On her fourteenth birthday, she kisses him with twenty-six pairs of eyes watching.
She has officially gone from Ellie to *the Eleanor*. Worse, a mysterious blogger named HailMary22 has created a blog in her honor: Guess Eleanor Cummings Next Man.
Rumors and lies fill the online world. Her first real kiss has turned into the world's biggest mistake and Ellie can't escape. Now she has to the make a decision: hide from HailMary22 or stand up for herself for the first time in her life.
THE ELEANOR STORY is a 53,000 word young adult novel.
Ellie was given the same warning as all the eighth grade girls at St. Vincent's: Your reputation is a valuable possession and you must protect it. Sister Clarisse's message swam straight over shy Ellie's head. Until the movie following the nun's speech. The moment the words flashed across the screen, she knew she was in trouble: The Eleanor Story: A Story Of A Girl Who's Reputation Got In The Way Of Her Relationship With God.
The girl was easy and boy crazy and she'd rather be kissing than praying. And they had the same name! All Ellie can do is hope everyone will forget The Movie soon. They might have too if Justin Sampson, Ellie's best summer pal, hadn't transferred to her school. Even Ellie can't dismiss the fact that Justin is really cute. On her fourteenth birthday, she kisses him with twenty-six pairs of eyes watching.
She has officially gone from Ellie to *the Eleanor*. Worse, a mysterious blogger named HailMary22 has created a blog in her honor: Guess Eleanor Cummings Next Man.
Rumors and lies fill the online world. Her first real kiss has turned into the world's biggest mistake and Ellie can't escape. Now she has to the make a decision: hide from HailMary22 or stand up for herself for the first time in her life.
THE ELEANOR STORY is a 53,000 word young adult novel.
Dec 12, 2009
Query-Raising Kain: Diseased God (Revised)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent,
I am seeking representation for my 48,000 word YA fantasy novella RAISING KAIN: DISEASED GOD.
The day he turns six-years-old Apophis Kain learns he is destined to become the Aspect of the Earth, he just has to survive the training to get there first.
Being the sun of a sky god and the Aspect of the Moon, as well as the crown prince of Atlantis and transforming into a dragon means that Kain must be destined for greatness. He just didn’t realize greatness meant living naked in the woods, having his aunt, Terra Gaia the current Aspect of the Earth, as the worlds hardest tutor, or meeting the deranged diseased god, Pestilence.
Training to be the Aspect of the earth and fighting to overcome his headstrong pride is hard enough, but when Pestilence shows up it becomes a fight for his life. One he may not be able to win. Failure means life as a new version of the diseased god, and destruction of the material plane.
I am a student of history and literature at Concord University, I have published one short story with Concord University’s publication, Reflexes.
I would be happy to forward the complete manuscript at your request, and I thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Ryan Smith
Dear Agent,
I am seeking representation for my 48,000 word YA fantasy novella RAISING KAIN: DISEASED GOD.
The day he turns six-years-old Apophis Kain learns he is destined to become the Aspect of the Earth, he just has to survive the training to get there first.
Being the sun of a sky god and the Aspect of the Moon, as well as the crown prince of Atlantis and transforming into a dragon means that Kain must be destined for greatness. He just didn’t realize greatness meant living naked in the woods, having his aunt, Terra Gaia the current Aspect of the Earth, as the worlds hardest tutor, or meeting the deranged diseased god, Pestilence.
Training to be the Aspect of the earth and fighting to overcome his headstrong pride is hard enough, but when Pestilence shows up it becomes a fight for his life. One he may not be able to win. Failure means life as a new version of the diseased god, and destruction of the material plane.
I am a student of history and literature at Concord University, I have published one short story with Concord University’s publication, Reflexes.
I would be happy to forward the complete manuscript at your request, and I thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Ryan Smith
Dec 10, 2009
Query - Along the Beach
A Tale of Two Queries. Some regard each as having their own strengths and shortcomings. The first has a fuller idea of the plot. The second seems more catchy and a breezier read, striving to entice with just enough to hook the agent to request the synopsis giving more of the plot. Perhaps a bit too thin though?
Should I try to merge the best of both into one?
I'm suspecting that rather than do a big rewrite of version 1 (some don't like its opening paragraph at all) I should prop-up version 2.
So that might involve taking version 2 as a base to work with, and infusing it with a bit of Version 1's fourth paragraph to fill in a bit more? Or run version 2 as-is?
nb: The query has a bio section, but it's omitted in this sample, so we can focus on the aspects in question. The issue of genre classification deserves a whole other thread (labeling it New Age vs. Paranormal vs. Fantasy Romance vs. psychic vs. mainstream or not even at all).
Thanks from Gary in Las Vegas
QUERY VERSION 1
Dear Mr./Ms. (Agent),
Soulmates. Faith. Destiny.
"Fanciful words," many would say. But not Lee Merrick.
Those words are with him day and night. Intriguing him. Haunting him. And quite possibly driving him mad.
His only hope is to find the truth behind the enchanting visions of a woman he has fallen in love with but has never met.
Along the Beach is a 108,000-word novel journeying from the outermost reaches of the globe to the inner depths of the soul.
Far away from his Los Angeles home photographing exotic shorelines, Lee is entranced by mystical visions of the "Lady in White." Could she be the woman first revealed in a prophecy foretold in his youth—that he will someday meet his soulmate along the beach? Yet a secret from long-ago compels his own mother to stop at nothing to prevent his success—even if it means having him institutionalized against his will.
On a path of self-discovery spanning a decade, Lee faces the unknown in faraway places, and will ultimately be confronted with his greatest challenge: to overcome the logic of his doubts holding back his certainty that beyond the vision of her spirit, breathes this mysterious woman somewhere in the world. For he knows that he will never be whole until he touches her hand, to unite with the one who already completes his most sacred thoughts and echoes his own heartbeat.
(bio section / closing remark / why I chose that book agent)
QUERY VERSION 2
A horde of killer bees in Borneo. An armed robbery in Los Angeles. A deadly riptide off the Pacific. Malaria in East Africa. A vision of a lady in white guiding him to safety each time. For travel photographer Lee Merrick, the extraordinary is the ordinary.
As her ethereal hands guide Lee’s at the piano to play a Chopin prelude he never knew, he wonders about the prophecy from his youth that foretells he will someday meet "Her" along the beach. But the dark secret of his mother’s own deadly prophecy compels her to sabotage his pursuit at all costs—even if it means having Lee institutionalized against his will.
Time is running out for Lee. Mounting clues beckon him toward finding this woman who pleads for him to believe that she and her love for him are real, but he may not uncover the truth before his obsession robs him of his family, friends, and freedom.
ALONG THE BEACH is a 108,000-word New Age novel.
(same bio / closing / custom comment for choosing that agent)
Should I try to merge the best of both into one?
I'm suspecting that rather than do a big rewrite of version 1 (some don't like its opening paragraph at all) I should prop-up version 2.
So that might involve taking version 2 as a base to work with, and infusing it with a bit of Version 1's fourth paragraph to fill in a bit more? Or run version 2 as-is?
nb: The query has a bio section, but it's omitted in this sample, so we can focus on the aspects in question. The issue of genre classification deserves a whole other thread (labeling it New Age vs. Paranormal vs. Fantasy Romance vs. psychic vs. mainstream or not even at all).
Thanks from Gary in Las Vegas
QUERY VERSION 1
Dear Mr./Ms. (Agent),
Soulmates. Faith. Destiny.
"Fanciful words," many would say. But not Lee Merrick.
Those words are with him day and night. Intriguing him. Haunting him. And quite possibly driving him mad.
His only hope is to find the truth behind the enchanting visions of a woman he has fallen in love with but has never met.
Along the Beach is a 108,000-word novel journeying from the outermost reaches of the globe to the inner depths of the soul.
Far away from his Los Angeles home photographing exotic shorelines, Lee is entranced by mystical visions of the "Lady in White." Could she be the woman first revealed in a prophecy foretold in his youth—that he will someday meet his soulmate along the beach? Yet a secret from long-ago compels his own mother to stop at nothing to prevent his success—even if it means having him institutionalized against his will.
On a path of self-discovery spanning a decade, Lee faces the unknown in faraway places, and will ultimately be confronted with his greatest challenge: to overcome the logic of his doubts holding back his certainty that beyond the vision of her spirit, breathes this mysterious woman somewhere in the world. For he knows that he will never be whole until he touches her hand, to unite with the one who already completes his most sacred thoughts and echoes his own heartbeat.
(bio section / closing remark / why I chose that book agent)
QUERY VERSION 2
A horde of killer bees in Borneo. An armed robbery in Los Angeles. A deadly riptide off the Pacific. Malaria in East Africa. A vision of a lady in white guiding him to safety each time. For travel photographer Lee Merrick, the extraordinary is the ordinary.
As her ethereal hands guide Lee’s at the piano to play a Chopin prelude he never knew, he wonders about the prophecy from his youth that foretells he will someday meet "Her" along the beach. But the dark secret of his mother’s own deadly prophecy compels her to sabotage his pursuit at all costs—even if it means having Lee institutionalized against his will.
Time is running out for Lee. Mounting clues beckon him toward finding this woman who pleads for him to believe that she and her love for him are real, but he may not uncover the truth before his obsession robs him of his family, friends, and freedom.
ALONG THE BEACH is a 108,000-word New Age novel.
(same bio / closing / custom comment for choosing that agent)
Dec 9, 2009
Query - Chuck Steak
Dear ____:
In the first of a series of at least ninety-three books, Chuck Steak, the world's most badass, Dots the candy loving cop, is sucked into a deadly game on his wedding day where he has to convince Mia, his very Christian bride-to-be, along with fifty family members and a priest to get on a bus labeled "Why am I marrying this bitch?" Then, in a rip-off of the movie Speed, he has to keep the bus traveling above fifty-five miles per hour and also marry Mia within twenty minutes or else a bomb in her necklace will explode. However, after the Movie Maniac accidently sits on the remote detonator, Chuck is sent on warpath where he spirals downward and finds himself inviting villains, just like the one he is hunting, into his personal life. The ultimate question is, can Chuck ever hold onto happiness and let go of revenge?
Chuck Steak, completed at 70,000+ words, is not only a satirical crime story, but also a play on the clichés found in almost all novels and movies. As a fan of pop culture, I've set out to create an over the top adventure with a heavy emphasis on sarcasm, but the spotlight is strictly on Chuck—a near immortal man when it comes to action sequences with the strength of Arnold Schwarzenegger, the thirst for revenge like the Punisher and the charisma of Bruce Campbell from Army of Darkness. Like testosterone is to Harry Potter and Edward Cullen, Chuck's only weakness is self-destruction, and he flirts with it the entire novel.
In an unknown preparation for this novel, I've seen over 5,000 movies, 700 of them in the theater with the ticket stubs to prove so, and have searched all over the internet for what people consider the most annoying clichés, coming up with a list in the hundreds. I am already hard at work on the sequel Chuck Steak: A declaration of war on the justice system and the genre of YA where Chuck will run into a villain who thrusts him into a computer programmed world similar to the Matrix filled with fluffy high-school drama and then ultimately into the only true family he's ever known—the justice system.
Accompanied by my minor in English, I've written brochures, press releases and web content for personal businesses. I worked as a freelance editor on the side, and to date, have edited seven full-length novels. In the first quarter of 2010, my 15,000 word short story Uncurable will be published in the fifth installment of the award winning series Twisted Tails. I'm also a twenty-six-year-old stay at home dad who is happily married with a wonderful two and a half year-old son.
If you would like to read Chuck Steak, I will gladly send sample chapters or the entire manuscript. I want to thank you for taking the time to read this query letter, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Matt
(I hope this meets the guidelines-and thanks in advance if this gets posted.)
In the first of a series of at least ninety-three books, Chuck Steak, the world's most badass, Dots the candy loving cop, is sucked into a deadly game on his wedding day where he has to convince Mia, his very Christian bride-to-be, along with fifty family members and a priest to get on a bus labeled "Why am I marrying this bitch?" Then, in a rip-off of the movie Speed, he has to keep the bus traveling above fifty-five miles per hour and also marry Mia within twenty minutes or else a bomb in her necklace will explode. However, after the Movie Maniac accidently sits on the remote detonator, Chuck is sent on warpath where he spirals downward and finds himself inviting villains, just like the one he is hunting, into his personal life. The ultimate question is, can Chuck ever hold onto happiness and let go of revenge?
Chuck Steak, completed at 70,000+ words, is not only a satirical crime story, but also a play on the clichés found in almost all novels and movies. As a fan of pop culture, I've set out to create an over the top adventure with a heavy emphasis on sarcasm, but the spotlight is strictly on Chuck—a near immortal man when it comes to action sequences with the strength of Arnold Schwarzenegger, the thirst for revenge like the Punisher and the charisma of Bruce Campbell from Army of Darkness. Like testosterone is to Harry Potter and Edward Cullen, Chuck's only weakness is self-destruction, and he flirts with it the entire novel.
In an unknown preparation for this novel, I've seen over 5,000 movies, 700 of them in the theater with the ticket stubs to prove so, and have searched all over the internet for what people consider the most annoying clichés, coming up with a list in the hundreds. I am already hard at work on the sequel Chuck Steak: A declaration of war on the justice system and the genre of YA where Chuck will run into a villain who thrusts him into a computer programmed world similar to the Matrix filled with fluffy high-school drama and then ultimately into the only true family he's ever known—the justice system.
Accompanied by my minor in English, I've written brochures, press releases and web content for personal businesses. I worked as a freelance editor on the side, and to date, have edited seven full-length novels. In the first quarter of 2010, my 15,000 word short story Uncurable will be published in the fifth installment of the award winning series Twisted Tails. I'm also a twenty-six-year-old stay at home dad who is happily married with a wonderful two and a half year-old son.
If you would like to read Chuck Steak, I will gladly send sample chapters or the entire manuscript. I want to thank you for taking the time to read this query letter, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Matt
(I hope this meets the guidelines-and thanks in advance if this gets posted.)
QUERY: TWENTY-FIVE
Dear Ms. Super Agent,
Twenty-five. The age at which Abigail Bronsen hoped to have her life figured out. Instead, she’s a virgin stuck at a dead end job who spends her Saturday nights cleaning her apartment.
Not exactly the exciting life she planned for herself at fifteen, as she’s reminded when her sister produces a list of goals Abigail wrote in high school. Climb a mountain. Give blood. Ride a motorcycle. Write a column for a newspaper or magazine. Fall in Love. She can’t check anything off.
Abigail is certain she’s suffering from a terminal case of averageness when BAM! Mr. Right crashes into her. Ben Harris smashed her car, but boy, was he cute. He’d never be into a girl like her, would he? Actually, he would.
Within a few weeks, Abigail doesn’t recognize her own life: maybe twenty-five isn’t so bad, after all. She has a boyfriend for the first time ever. With Ben’s encouragement the list of things she hasn’t done diminishes. Within a few months, she receives a promotion.
Who is she kidding? Twenty-five is the best year of her life.
Okay, maybe not. The magazine Abigail works for wants her to move to London to write a column. But leaving the United States means leaving Ben. How can she make a choice between the man she loves and the career she wants?
She makes the wrong choice.
TWENTY-FIVE (Contemporary Romance, 98K words) is written in both Abigail and Ben’s point of views. The story will appeal to readers who loved The Notebook, by Nicolas Sparks.
The full manuscript is ready to send for your review. Thank you, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Rachel Hamm
Twenty-five. The age at which Abigail Bronsen hoped to have her life figured out. Instead, she’s a virgin stuck at a dead end job who spends her Saturday nights cleaning her apartment.
Not exactly the exciting life she planned for herself at fifteen, as she’s reminded when her sister produces a list of goals Abigail wrote in high school. Climb a mountain. Give blood. Ride a motorcycle. Write a column for a newspaper or magazine. Fall in Love. She can’t check anything off.
Abigail is certain she’s suffering from a terminal case of averageness when BAM! Mr. Right crashes into her. Ben Harris smashed her car, but boy, was he cute. He’d never be into a girl like her, would he? Actually, he would.
Within a few weeks, Abigail doesn’t recognize her own life: maybe twenty-five isn’t so bad, after all. She has a boyfriend for the first time ever. With Ben’s encouragement the list of things she hasn’t done diminishes. Within a few months, she receives a promotion.
Who is she kidding? Twenty-five is the best year of her life.
Okay, maybe not. The magazine Abigail works for wants her to move to London to write a column. But leaving the United States means leaving Ben. How can she make a choice between the man she loves and the career she wants?
She makes the wrong choice.
TWENTY-FIVE (Contemporary Romance, 98K words) is written in both Abigail and Ben’s point of views. The story will appeal to readers who loved The Notebook, by Nicolas Sparks.
The full manuscript is ready to send for your review. Thank you, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Rachel Hamm
Dec 8, 2009
QUERY - MEND
Thanks you all for taking the time and looking this over. I've been toiling with this thing for a few weeks now, and would love to get some feedback. I very much appreciate it. So, here is my query:
I am seeking representation for my novel entitled MEND.
He attacks. He springs upon his victims with hatred and blind fury, slashing their bodies and shredding the peace of The City Too Busy to Hate. He kills. With no evidence left behind, four families have fallen in his wake, and he is not finished.
Enter Jacob Santos, a man prodded toward the killer by the ghost of a forgotten childhood friend. Plagued by hallucinations and incoherent memories, Jacob reluctantly follows the cryptic messages, knowing that he must unmask the killer and decipher the mysterious link between them in time to save another family from being slaughtered.
However, unveiling the secret could push Jacob into the chasm that lies at its heart and bring about the complete unraveling of his mind. He cannot fail. Doing so will turn him from the best hope to stop the killer, and into the catalyst of an unprecedented murderous rampage. Jacob must stop it.
At 70,000 words, MEND is a complete Crime Fiction. It is story that to my knowledge has not been told in such a way as I present it. Please find the first chapter attached for your review. My manuscript is ready to be sent at your request.
I thank you for your time and look forward to hearing from you.
Respectfully,
J.m. Diaz
I am seeking representation for my novel entitled MEND.
He attacks. He springs upon his victims with hatred and blind fury, slashing their bodies and shredding the peace of The City Too Busy to Hate. He kills. With no evidence left behind, four families have fallen in his wake, and he is not finished.
Enter Jacob Santos, a man prodded toward the killer by the ghost of a forgotten childhood friend. Plagued by hallucinations and incoherent memories, Jacob reluctantly follows the cryptic messages, knowing that he must unmask the killer and decipher the mysterious link between them in time to save another family from being slaughtered.
However, unveiling the secret could push Jacob into the chasm that lies at its heart and bring about the complete unraveling of his mind. He cannot fail. Doing so will turn him from the best hope to stop the killer, and into the catalyst of an unprecedented murderous rampage. Jacob must stop it.
At 70,000 words, MEND is a complete Crime Fiction. It is story that to my knowledge has not been told in such a way as I present it. Please find the first chapter attached for your review. My manuscript is ready to be sent at your request.
I thank you for your time and look forward to hearing from you.
Respectfully,
J.m. Diaz
Dec 3, 2009
Query - Everything is Fine, Nothing is Ruined (Revised)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear X-and-so,
The night was gloomy and irritable, or possibly suffering from indigestion. The body, fallen from a seventh story window and covered in blood, refused to remain sprawled and was taken to a hospital. The night-shift nurse with the caustic sense of humor christened him "Seven." Saddled with this strange moniker and released from the doctor, Seven has little recourse but to befriend a philosopher named Tori -- who has a marked tendency to pull physical objects out of his hat -- and open a detective agency. The paint is still drying on their office door when a briefcase stuffed full of counterfeit money, an invitation to a murder, and an overabundance of already murdered corpses all begin clamoring for attention at once.
Desperately keeping busy in order to avoid the painful mysteries of self, Seven accepts all of these cases in stride, some at a run. An FBI agent sorely in need of vacation time, an environmentalist organization of ninjas, and the notorious gang of up-and-coming mob boss Eggbert "Eggy" Thornton seem determined to ensure Seven won't survive long enough to resolve anything, anyway. The absurd, almost ridiculous realities encountered by the ensemble cast ensure that the world they inhabit is never dull -- even the minifridge holds disturbing secrets.
Everything is Fine, Nothing is Ruined is a humorous paranormal mystery clocking in at just over 60,000 words, and is my first novel.
[personalized closing explaining why I am querying this particular agent]
Sincerely, &c.
Dear X-and-so,
The night was gloomy and irritable, or possibly suffering from indigestion. The body, fallen from a seventh story window and covered in blood, refused to remain sprawled and was taken to a hospital. The night-shift nurse with the caustic sense of humor christened him "Seven." Saddled with this strange moniker and released from the doctor, Seven has little recourse but to befriend a philosopher named Tori -- who has a marked tendency to pull physical objects out of his hat -- and open a detective agency. The paint is still drying on their office door when a briefcase stuffed full of counterfeit money, an invitation to a murder, and an overabundance of already murdered corpses all begin clamoring for attention at once.
Desperately keeping busy in order to avoid the painful mysteries of self, Seven accepts all of these cases in stride, some at a run. An FBI agent sorely in need of vacation time, an environmentalist organization of ninjas, and the notorious gang of up-and-coming mob boss Eggbert "Eggy" Thornton seem determined to ensure Seven won't survive long enough to resolve anything, anyway. The absurd, almost ridiculous realities encountered by the ensemble cast ensure that the world they inhabit is never dull -- even the minifridge holds disturbing secrets.
Everything is Fine, Nothing is Ruined is a humorous paranormal mystery clocking in at just over 60,000 words, and is my first novel.
[personalized closing explaining why I am querying this particular agent]
Sincerely, &c.
Dec 2, 2009
Query - Everything is Fine, Nothing is Ruined
A revision of this query has been posted. Click here to read it.
Seven, a detective with an inadvisable haircut, and his pal Tori -- a philosopher with a strange hat indeed -- are down on luck, money and protein. Luckily, a briefcase full of counterfeit money and a mishmash of dead bodies embroil them like a chef embroils a petulant duck. Now thoroughly marinated in circumstance, the pair unexpectedly find themselves in possession of the briefcase. Sensing no plausible alternative, they are chased through a variety of locales, from a haunted mansion all the way to a jewelry store -- robbery in progress.
Everything is Fine, Nothing is Ruined is a humorous paranormal mystery about a detective completely uninterested in self-discovery. Can he keep himself busy long enough to avoid the painful mysteries of self? An FBI agent sorely in need of vacation time, an environmentalist organization of ninjas, and the notorious gang of boss Eggbert "Eggy" Thornton seem determined to ensure Seven won't survive long enough to answer these pesky questions anyway. The absurd, almost ridiculous realities encountered by the ensemble cast ensure that the world they inhabit is never dull -- even the minifridge holds disturbing secrets.
Seven, a detective with an inadvisable haircut, and his pal Tori -- a philosopher with a strange hat indeed -- are down on luck, money and protein. Luckily, a briefcase full of counterfeit money and a mishmash of dead bodies embroil them like a chef embroils a petulant duck. Now thoroughly marinated in circumstance, the pair unexpectedly find themselves in possession of the briefcase. Sensing no plausible alternative, they are chased through a variety of locales, from a haunted mansion all the way to a jewelry store -- robbery in progress.
Everything is Fine, Nothing is Ruined is a humorous paranormal mystery about a detective completely uninterested in self-discovery. Can he keep himself busy long enough to avoid the painful mysteries of self? An FBI agent sorely in need of vacation time, an environmentalist organization of ninjas, and the notorious gang of boss Eggbert "Eggy" Thornton seem determined to ensure Seven won't survive long enough to answer these pesky questions anyway. The absurd, almost ridiculous realities encountered by the ensemble cast ensure that the world they inhabit is never dull -- even the minifridge holds disturbing secrets.
Revised query--DARK ABYSS
Click here to read the original query.
I want to thank everyone for the helpful tips. I hope this sums it up short and to the point while at the same time answering some questions.
Dear Blah Blah,
Personalized opening.
Akali is a witch. She just doesn’t know it yet.
That is until she unwittingly meets Isaac who nabs her right from her home. Fortunately, Isaac has other plans besides rape and murder. He’s a vampire desperate for her help. With that shocking news, Akali’s normal life vanishes and is replaced with a world of dangerous creatures whose soul intent is stopping her from discovering her true power. Together with Isaac, whether she wants him there or not, Akali finds herself on a whirlwind journey to stay alive while trying to free his family from an ancient curse.
DARK ABYSS is a paranormal romance complete at 105,000 words and available upon your request. Thank you in advance for your time and consideration.
Closing personal info.
I want to thank everyone for the helpful tips. I hope this sums it up short and to the point while at the same time answering some questions.
Dear Blah Blah,
Personalized opening.
Akali is a witch. She just doesn’t know it yet.
That is until she unwittingly meets Isaac who nabs her right from her home. Fortunately, Isaac has other plans besides rape and murder. He’s a vampire desperate for her help. With that shocking news, Akali’s normal life vanishes and is replaced with a world of dangerous creatures whose soul intent is stopping her from discovering her true power. Together with Isaac, whether she wants him there or not, Akali finds herself on a whirlwind journey to stay alive while trying to free his family from an ancient curse.
DARK ABYSS is a paranormal romance complete at 105,000 words and available upon your request. Thank you in advance for your time and consideration.
Closing personal info.
Dec 1, 2009
Sample Pages - IN THE CLOUDS - Revisions 1
Click here to read the query.
I'm a fifteen year-old girl being followed everywhere by a forty-year old Algebra teacher. Sounds creepy, right? But not insane. At least that's the line I've been feeding myself over and over since last ight. I'm not crazy. Despite the fact that I can't stop glancing over my shoulder- checking if he's still there. It's like I have Tourette's or something.
But I have a real good excuse. Even better than teenage-girl-being-stalked-by-middle-age-male-teacher. The man walking two steps behind me right now, died yesterday morning. It fact, I witnessed his death.
And Mr. Schuster and I aren't exactly BFF's. He hates me. Or hated me. Not sure which to use. That's right, Alan Schuster is dead. He croaked. Bit the bullet. And yet I don't find any pleasure in his absence. BECAUSE HE'S STILL HERE! Only I can see him.
I must be special or cursed. I promise I'm not normally this insensitive. I even cried yesterday, but the guy is driving me nuts. He won't shut up. What does a girl like me do when her dead teacher is tailing her and giving long lectures on why she should shut off the TV and get some homework done? As if that were possible in my current mental state (aka – completely freaked!).
Here's what I did. I walked to school this morning and headed straight to the guidance counselor's office, where sanity has some kind of tangible measurement. In other words, he can tell me if I'm nuts. It was the only plan I could come up with after zero hours sleep and
several minutes spent googling the phrase, I see dead people.
The second I entered the school building, I turned and headed up the empty staircase leading to the third floor. I hadn't ever talked to Dr. Cooper, but I'd seen him in the halls and knew where his office was.
"What exactly are you trying to accomplish?" Schuster asked in that sneering tone of his.
The sound made the already churning acid in my stomach move like the washer's spin cycle. This was much worse than our usual bonding time of forty-five minutes a day. It was twenty-four seven with that teacher. You know the one I'm talking about. Mine has geeky black
glasses, blonde hair combed to the side like a preschooler on the first day, he's about six foot four and a scowl is permanently embedded to his face. It travels all the way to his eyes.
Everybody who's been to high school can name the teacher they dreaded most. The one that caused them to slide down in their chair as low as possible praying they could go one day without being noticed. Now imagine taking that teacher home with you, and everywhere else.
After only twelve hours, I was nearly ready to check myself in to the psyche ward. Instead of heading to the nearest ER I opened my mouth. Not usually a good thing given my tendency to speak, then think. Normally, the outbursts of profanities were directed at rude boys in
gym class, never a teacher.
"Can't you just shut-up for five minutes?" I snapped. "It's bad enough I had to listen to you all night. I haven't slept more than a few hours in two days."
I couldn't look at him, but I'm sure his face had that twisted, angry, purple look to it.
Well, maybe not purple anymore.
I shook my head trying to focus on sanity. I needed sanity to get my questions answered. Otherwise who knows where I might end up? I knocked on the door of room 312 then I saw the note next to the door.
"In Meetings this morning. Will return after 10:00am."
My panic level rose quickly. This had been my only plan and nothing was solved. Going to class like everything was normal and ghosts weren't talking to me seemed like an impossible task. I headed quickly down the steps and crawled underneath the stair case on the second floor before the halls became too crowded. Before anyone saw me. It was my favorite hiding place and I couldn't go home to my big empty house with Schuster in tow. It was less eerie being surrounded
by people, even in hiding at least I knew they were there.
"Cutting class is against school policy," Schuster ranted on. His giant feet paced back and forth in front of the staircase. "You would never listen to a teacher would you Miss Rollings? Of course not. With that thick skull of yours I'm surprised you can make it through an entire school day without a handful of detentions."
I couldn't.
Maybe this was my punishment for being such an academic loser. The past two days my life had taken a small turn for the positive. I got a taste of success, but it was wrong to claim honesty when several incidents of lying and cheating were involved. Maybe it was karma.
Was this really what I deserved? Watching a man die right in front of my eyes, and being condemned to have that man's voice ringing in my ears.
I was there when it happened, the only one in the room. I shouldn't have been there. If I just let things go like usual and not allowed Matt to help, I wouldn't have been there that morning. Three days ago I dreaded walking in to this school building and facing Schuster alive, but now I would take that day over this one in a heartbeat. Everything started Monday morning. The root of my bad Karma.
I'm a fifteen year-old girl being followed everywhere by a forty-year old Algebra teacher. Sounds creepy, right? But not insane. At least that's the line I've been feeding myself over and over since last ight. I'm not crazy. Despite the fact that I can't stop glancing over my shoulder- checking if he's still there. It's like I have Tourette's or something.
But I have a real good excuse. Even better than teenage-girl-being-stalked-by-middle-age-male-teacher. The man walking two steps behind me right now, died yesterday morning. It fact, I witnessed his death.
And Mr. Schuster and I aren't exactly BFF's. He hates me. Or hated me. Not sure which to use. That's right, Alan Schuster is dead. He croaked. Bit the bullet. And yet I don't find any pleasure in his absence. BECAUSE HE'S STILL HERE! Only I can see him.
I must be special or cursed. I promise I'm not normally this insensitive. I even cried yesterday, but the guy is driving me nuts. He won't shut up. What does a girl like me do when her dead teacher is tailing her and giving long lectures on why she should shut off the TV and get some homework done? As if that were possible in my current mental state (aka – completely freaked!).
Here's what I did. I walked to school this morning and headed straight to the guidance counselor's office, where sanity has some kind of tangible measurement. In other words, he can tell me if I'm nuts. It was the only plan I could come up with after zero hours sleep and
several minutes spent googling the phrase, I see dead people.
The second I entered the school building, I turned and headed up the empty staircase leading to the third floor. I hadn't ever talked to Dr. Cooper, but I'd seen him in the halls and knew where his office was.
"What exactly are you trying to accomplish?" Schuster asked in that sneering tone of his.
The sound made the already churning acid in my stomach move like the washer's spin cycle. This was much worse than our usual bonding time of forty-five minutes a day. It was twenty-four seven with that teacher. You know the one I'm talking about. Mine has geeky black
glasses, blonde hair combed to the side like a preschooler on the first day, he's about six foot four and a scowl is permanently embedded to his face. It travels all the way to his eyes.
Everybody who's been to high school can name the teacher they dreaded most. The one that caused them to slide down in their chair as low as possible praying they could go one day without being noticed. Now imagine taking that teacher home with you, and everywhere else.
After only twelve hours, I was nearly ready to check myself in to the psyche ward. Instead of heading to the nearest ER I opened my mouth. Not usually a good thing given my tendency to speak, then think. Normally, the outbursts of profanities were directed at rude boys in
gym class, never a teacher.
"Can't you just shut-up for five minutes?" I snapped. "It's bad enough I had to listen to you all night. I haven't slept more than a few hours in two days."
I couldn't look at him, but I'm sure his face had that twisted, angry, purple look to it.
Well, maybe not purple anymore.
I shook my head trying to focus on sanity. I needed sanity to get my questions answered. Otherwise who knows where I might end up? I knocked on the door of room 312 then I saw the note next to the door.
"In Meetings this morning. Will return after 10:00am."
My panic level rose quickly. This had been my only plan and nothing was solved. Going to class like everything was normal and ghosts weren't talking to me seemed like an impossible task. I headed quickly down the steps and crawled underneath the stair case on the second floor before the halls became too crowded. Before anyone saw me. It was my favorite hiding place and I couldn't go home to my big empty house with Schuster in tow. It was less eerie being surrounded
by people, even in hiding at least I knew they were there.
"Cutting class is against school policy," Schuster ranted on. His giant feet paced back and forth in front of the staircase. "You would never listen to a teacher would you Miss Rollings? Of course not. With that thick skull of yours I'm surprised you can make it through an entire school day without a handful of detentions."
I couldn't.
Maybe this was my punishment for being such an academic loser. The past two days my life had taken a small turn for the positive. I got a taste of success, but it was wrong to claim honesty when several incidents of lying and cheating were involved. Maybe it was karma.
Was this really what I deserved? Watching a man die right in front of my eyes, and being condemned to have that man's voice ringing in my ears.
I was there when it happened, the only one in the room. I shouldn't have been there. If I just let things go like usual and not allowed Matt to help, I wouldn't have been there that morning. Three days ago I dreaded walking in to this school building and facing Schuster alive, but now I would take that day over this one in a heartbeat. Everything started Monday morning. The root of my bad Karma.
QUERY - IN THE CLOUDS - young adult
Fifteen year-old Jaycie Rollings has the worst case of karma known to teenage girls. She's being forced to spend every waking minute with a forty-year-old Algebra teacher and to make things worse, he's dead.
Forty-five minutes a day with a living Mr. Schuster was bad enough for Jaycie, now he's following her and her boyfriend into their favorite make-out spots. She can't get any sleep at home with a ghost wandering around and boring World History class usually provided a good
opportunity for a nap, except now she has a dead teacher leaning over her shoulder threatening to sing show tunes if her notes on Hitler aren't perfect.
Mr. Schuster isn't exactly pleased with being condemned to follow 'a silly little girl around'. In fact, of all the students he could be stuck with, Jaycie is his last choice. But when he tries to leave her side, everything turns black and the darkness shows nothing but misery and a loneliness no man could withstand.
It's a crazy game of tug-o-war and Jaycie knows Mr. Schuster must have some kind-of unfinished business and figuring out what is keeping him around might be the only way to get rid of him.
Its Jaycie who makes the first move, a truce to work with the man that made her dread every single day of ninth grade. She opens up her world to him and he reluctantly does the same. Jaycie discovers a real person living beneath the hardened man with the permanent scowl.
She makes it her personal quest to ensure his life means something, even after death. IN THE CLOUDS is a 65,000 word young adult novel.
Forty-five minutes a day with a living Mr. Schuster was bad enough for Jaycie, now he's following her and her boyfriend into their favorite make-out spots. She can't get any sleep at home with a ghost wandering around and boring World History class usually provided a good
opportunity for a nap, except now she has a dead teacher leaning over her shoulder threatening to sing show tunes if her notes on Hitler aren't perfect.
Mr. Schuster isn't exactly pleased with being condemned to follow 'a silly little girl around'. In fact, of all the students he could be stuck with, Jaycie is his last choice. But when he tries to leave her side, everything turns black and the darkness shows nothing but misery and a loneliness no man could withstand.
It's a crazy game of tug-o-war and Jaycie knows Mr. Schuster must have some kind-of unfinished business and figuring out what is keeping him around might be the only way to get rid of him.
Its Jaycie who makes the first move, a truce to work with the man that made her dread every single day of ninth grade. She opens up her world to him and he reluctantly does the same. Jaycie discovers a real person living beneath the hardened man with the permanent scowl.
She makes it her personal quest to ensure his life means something, even after death. IN THE CLOUDS is a 65,000 word young adult novel.
DARK ABYSS Paranormal romance
A revision of this query has been posted. Click here to read it.
Akali is a witch. She just doesn’t know it yet.
That is until she meets Isaac, her friendly kidnapper. But besides being friendly, Isaac has other abilities that take him off the spectrum of being a normal run-of-the-mill kidnapper. As Akali discovers his nature, she also discovers her true heritage and purpose. Together, they begin a whirlwind journey to stay alive and free Isaac’s family from an ancient curse.
DARK ABYSS is complete at 105,000 words and available upon your request. Thank you in advance for your time and consideration.
Akali is a witch. She just doesn’t know it yet.
That is until she meets Isaac, her friendly kidnapper. But besides being friendly, Isaac has other abilities that take him off the spectrum of being a normal run-of-the-mill kidnapper. As Akali discovers his nature, she also discovers her true heritage and purpose. Together, they begin a whirlwind journey to stay alive and free Isaac’s family from an ancient curse.
DARK ABYSS is complete at 105,000 words and available upon your request. Thank you in advance for your time and consideration.
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