This is a follow up to the post earlier today about the writer who got "the call."
From Natalie Bahm:
Someone asked if I could post the query that worked so here it is. I actually had two fairly different queries that received requests but this was the one I sent to the agent that offered representation.
Dear Agent:
When eleven-year-old Ally discovers the neighborhood boys are digging a tunnel to an abandoned steel mill she is faced with a dilemma. Should she join them and help dig to the mysterious and seriously off-limits steel mill while spending time with the sixth grade heartthrob Paul, or should she tell her parents, end the boys’ fun, but save them from the accident that’s bound to happen?
Ally decides to join the boys in hopes her involvement can push them to make the tunnel safer. She initiates the building of supports and then helps dig for months (with many adventures on the way) before she and the boys finally break through to the steel mill.
But when two notorious bank robbers known as the Gauze Men find the tunnel and discover where it leads, they decide to use it to get to the perfect hideout- miles of industrial buildings surrounded by a fifteen foot fence, that no one has been inside for twenty years… no one but all the neighborhood boys and Ally. When Ally and Paul get trapped inside the mill with the Gauze Men, they must escape and get help.
Underground is my first novel. It is written for a middle grade audience and is complete at about 33,000 words.
I’d be happy to send you sample pages or the complete manuscript if you are interested. Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Natalie Bahm
It's not the best query ever but I think it did a fairly decent job of describing the story in a way that might make agents interested to read it.
With this query I received 3 requests for full manuscripts out of about 15 query submissions. I actually felt the second query I wrote was much stronger than this one, but it had a smaller request request rate (about 1 in 10, instead of 1 in 5).
Some of the best advice I read about query writing came from this blog: http://edittorrent.blogspot.com/2009/04/how-to-put-it-together-into-one-neat.html
Hopefully something in here will be useful. Don't feel like you need to post the whole muddle. (Or any of it for that matter :) Thanks again.
NOTE: I posted the whole muddle ;-)
Sep 9, 2009
THE SECOND CHANCE (2nd revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Okay - first, thank you to everyone who has been helping me work with this query. I feel like it is getting better each time I post it.
Dear Agent:
In an attempt to redeem his past, Jerry learns two things: the woman he loves is dead and when she left him seven years ago, she was pregnant.
With the help of a teacher named Amy, Jerry meets his son, Jake. They look alike but Jake inherited something from his mother – the disease that took her life.
Jerry falls in love with Amy and learns to become a father and just as everything appears to be normal, it all changes on the same day that Jerry is going to propose to Amy and Amy is going to announce her pregnancy.
Jake’s disease takes over and with his life in the balance and Jerry’s emotions tested again he must find strength within himself to hold on to his second chance.
THE SECOND CHANCE is a 67,000 word novel that encompasses a personal journey that most of us take at lease once in our lives.
My short stories have appeared in such publications as The Pike Press, Bright Light Café, and the Cynic Online Magazine.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Jim Wisneski
Click here to read the first revision.
Okay - first, thank you to everyone who has been helping me work with this query. I feel like it is getting better each time I post it.
Dear Agent:
In an attempt to redeem his past, Jerry learns two things: the woman he loves is dead and when she left him seven years ago, she was pregnant.
With the help of a teacher named Amy, Jerry meets his son, Jake. They look alike but Jake inherited something from his mother – the disease that took her life.
Jerry falls in love with Amy and learns to become a father and just as everything appears to be normal, it all changes on the same day that Jerry is going to propose to Amy and Amy is going to announce her pregnancy.
Jake’s disease takes over and with his life in the balance and Jerry’s emotions tested again he must find strength within himself to hold on to his second chance.
THE SECOND CHANCE is a 67,000 word novel that encompasses a personal journey that most of us take at lease once in our lives.
My short stories have appeared in such publications as The Pike Press, Bright Light Café, and the Cynic Online Magazine.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Jim Wisneski
A Writer Gets "The Call"
This just came in through the submissions post, I thought I would share it. Click here to read the query that was posted for Underground (although it isn't the final version that yielded The Call), and I extend the thanks to everyone who offers their feedback on any query on this site:
I posted my query months ago, just after you set up the blog. I never reposted but I did revise the query and first five pages (about a hundred times :) based on some of the suggestions you and others gave me. I just wanted to say thank you for keeping up this blog. I am sure it is a lot of work for you, but it is a great service for writers.
I got "The Call" last week and I'm sure it never would have happened without the help of other writers who gave their time to help my manuscript and query be the best it could be. Hopefully I can repay some of the kindness.
So thanks.
I posted my query months ago, just after you set up the blog. I never reposted but I did revise the query and first five pages (about a hundred times :) based on some of the suggestions you and others gave me. I just wanted to say thank you for keeping up this blog. I am sure it is a lot of work for you, but it is a great service for writers.
I got "The Call" last week and I'm sure it never would have happened without the help of other writers who gave their time to help my manuscript and query be the best it could be. Hopefully I can repay some of the kindness.
So thanks.
Sep 8, 2009
QUERY -- CALLARION AT NIGHT, Revision 1
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent:
Moriah Rowani returns from the elite school where she's been trained as a top-tier bounty hunter looking forward to spending time with the father who raised her alone. Instead, she finds him bleeding to death -- shot by the Chancellery guard found dead nearby. Her father's final words are, "find the diary."
Moriah is forced from her ancestral estate by the Lord Chancellor and his men, who are intent on one thing -- eradicating people with human and satyr or nymph parents. With the help of allies both in and out of the underground resistance, Moriah discovers that the diary, written by the mother who left her ten years ago, holds the secret to crippling the Lord Chancellor's hold on power and possibly pulling the city-state of Callarion from the hell it's become.
My steampunk fantasy novel, CALLARION AT NIGHT, is complete at 100,000 words. Thank you for taking the time to consider my submission.
Dear Agent:
Moriah Rowani returns from the elite school where she's been trained as a top-tier bounty hunter looking forward to spending time with the father who raised her alone. Instead, she finds him bleeding to death -- shot by the Chancellery guard found dead nearby. Her father's final words are, "find the diary."
Moriah is forced from her ancestral estate by the Lord Chancellor and his men, who are intent on one thing -- eradicating people with human and satyr or nymph parents. With the help of allies both in and out of the underground resistance, Moriah discovers that the diary, written by the mother who left her ten years ago, holds the secret to crippling the Lord Chancellor's hold on power and possibly pulling the city-state of Callarion from the hell it's become.
My steampunk fantasy novel, CALLARION AT NIGHT, is complete at 100,000 words. Thank you for taking the time to consider my submission.
NOT HER MOTHER'S FATE, revision 2.
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
When Amy Thompson consented to have a big party for her twenty-first birthday, she didn’t expect to meet the man who would pursue her romantically until she relented, expose the most closely guarded secrets of her childhood, and inadvertently introduce her to the same choices her own mother must have faced. And when Robert Crane wins the heart of this reclusive beauty, he never dreams he’s set them on a path of self discovery that will end in redemption for one, tragedy for the other.
A survivor of years of abuse by her alcoholic father and two previous boyfriends, Amy thinks she has learned her lesson about the cost of a relationship with a drinking man. But Robert is not a typical, abusive alcoholic. Their friends think him impulsively charming, his parents and church believe marriage and family is the cure for his rebelliousness, and his best friend Calvin Mertz refuses to allow Robert to suffer the consequences of his alcoholic binges.
For a while, Amy is sure she can save Robert and, by extension, herself from the haunting memories of her childhood. She involves herself in Robert’s faith; she makes friends of his disapproving parents; and even excuses his occasional brutality as a product of his insecurities. The one thing she refuses to do is to marry Robert and produce the family he craves, the family everyone is sure will make a difference in his commitment to sobriety.
As the relationship progresses, and Robert’s alcoholism escalates, Amy becomes convinced that her own mother would not have married the brut her father eventually became if he didn‘t have some redeeming qualities. Though Robert still suffers the guilt of his actions, Amy is convinced that if she doesn’t leave him, before marriage and children bond them forever, she could also end up with her mothers fate: to die a supposedly accidental death at the hands of her drunken husband.
Not Her Mother’s Fate is a 90,000 word women’s fiction that tests the limits of friendship, love, and loyalty.
Sincerely,
Donna Hole
Click here to read the first revision.
When Amy Thompson consented to have a big party for her twenty-first birthday, she didn’t expect to meet the man who would pursue her romantically until she relented, expose the most closely guarded secrets of her childhood, and inadvertently introduce her to the same choices her own mother must have faced. And when Robert Crane wins the heart of this reclusive beauty, he never dreams he’s set them on a path of self discovery that will end in redemption for one, tragedy for the other.
A survivor of years of abuse by her alcoholic father and two previous boyfriends, Amy thinks she has learned her lesson about the cost of a relationship with a drinking man. But Robert is not a typical, abusive alcoholic. Their friends think him impulsively charming, his parents and church believe marriage and family is the cure for his rebelliousness, and his best friend Calvin Mertz refuses to allow Robert to suffer the consequences of his alcoholic binges.
For a while, Amy is sure she can save Robert and, by extension, herself from the haunting memories of her childhood. She involves herself in Robert’s faith; she makes friends of his disapproving parents; and even excuses his occasional brutality as a product of his insecurities. The one thing she refuses to do is to marry Robert and produce the family he craves, the family everyone is sure will make a difference in his commitment to sobriety.
As the relationship progresses, and Robert’s alcoholism escalates, Amy becomes convinced that her own mother would not have married the brut her father eventually became if he didn‘t have some redeeming qualities. Though Robert still suffers the guilt of his actions, Amy is convinced that if she doesn’t leave him, before marriage and children bond them forever, she could also end up with her mothers fate: to die a supposedly accidental death at the hands of her drunken husband.
Not Her Mother’s Fate is a 90,000 word women’s fiction that tests the limits of friendship, love, and loyalty.
Sincerely,
Donna Hole
Sep 6, 2009
QUERY - JACK MBC
Dear Agent,
I am seeking representation for my young adult novel, JACK MBC, complete at 90,000 words.
Jack’s life is changed when he falls off the roof of a Las Vegas Hotel and doesn’t die. He discovers he has a form of Mind Body Control, or MBC for short. At signs of danger, he can order his body to turn into marble, steel or whatever is required.
His friends tell him he’d make a great superhero, but Jack isn’t sure he wants to be one. At sixteen, he’s not sure what he wants to be, period. He doesn’t appreciate the appearance of a weird ‘extra-ability’ (he refuses to call it a superpower) pushing him into a particular path.
But how can he say no to rescuing people from certain deaths? Even though using MBC gives him head splitting migraines. And when MBC is on, his emotions turn off, and may permanently stay off.
Then Jack makes a serious mistake and a man dies. MBC turns into a monster, attacking him with vicious side effects that may destroy him. Will Jack figure out what to do with MBC and how to control it, or will he lose himself forever?
I have enclosed the first xx pages for your consideration. Thank you.
I am seeking representation for my young adult novel, JACK MBC, complete at 90,000 words.
Jack’s life is changed when he falls off the roof of a Las Vegas Hotel and doesn’t die. He discovers he has a form of Mind Body Control, or MBC for short. At signs of danger, he can order his body to turn into marble, steel or whatever is required.
His friends tell him he’d make a great superhero, but Jack isn’t sure he wants to be one. At sixteen, he’s not sure what he wants to be, period. He doesn’t appreciate the appearance of a weird ‘extra-ability’ (he refuses to call it a superpower) pushing him into a particular path.
But how can he say no to rescuing people from certain deaths? Even though using MBC gives him head splitting migraines. And when MBC is on, his emotions turn off, and may permanently stay off.
Then Jack makes a serious mistake and a man dies. MBC turns into a monster, attacking him with vicious side effects that may destroy him. Will Jack figure out what to do with MBC and how to control it, or will he lose himself forever?
I have enclosed the first xx pages for your consideration. Thank you.
Sep 5, 2009
Query- La Dame D'Or
I am seeking representation for my work of commercial fiction La Dame D’Or. It is complete at 90,000 words. I have completed one other novel, which is currently undergoing revisions. Although I categorize La Dame D’Or as commercial fiction, a large percentage of the story takes place, through flashbacks, in the distant past.
When her long dead and quite ridiculous doctoral thesis suddenly mires Eleanor Lyons in an unfamiliar world filled with hired killers, personal vendettas, and treasure hunters, she first and foremost resents the intrusion on her quiet life. Connor Stevens, a handsome but elusive man harboring a keen interest in her research, suddenly appears in her life around the same time. Desperate to gain her trust, Connor attempts to bully her by tossing an unknown entity into the mix: he is not the only one who believes she holds the key to the resting place of an ancient treasure.
A man who has destroyed Connor’s life for his own pleasure, the bloodthirsty and relentless Jonathan Dubois will stop at nothing to possess the Trinity Medallions, which he believes belong to him through familial descent. Proving Connor’s claim and forcing Eleanor’s hand, he kidnaps Gabrielle, her best friend. Keeping silent is no longer an option as Jonathan holds her friend hostage in exchange for the information in Eleanor's head. Trading herself and her knowledge for her friend’s freedom, Eleanor is forced to do something she hates even more than giving in to pushy and violent men. Trusting pushy and violent men. Unable to claw her way out of Jonathan's clutches on her own, Eleanor reveals the location of the medallions to Connor and his cohorts though she isn’t at all sure her life is more important to him than finding the medallions. At the mercy of a trained, psychotic killer, she has to trust that Connor won’t forget about her now that she has given him what he wants.
I love history and believe that the legends, myths, and characters it provides us are timeless and, if spun effectively, remain both appealing and exciting for all generations of readers. This story races along the path traveled by this elusive ancient treasure while employing detailed flashbacks to let us intimately know the historical figures that helped ensure its survival. I believe this novel succeeds in celebrating the interconnectivity of human life through the centuries, as well as illustrating the legacy that each generation leaves for the next.
I have a bachelor’s degree in Radio-TV-Film from Texas Christian University where I polished a talent for vivid and succinct writing. I am currently working towards a Master’s degree in Ancient History at the University of Missouri-Kansas City, which has instilled in me a passion for the past that is instrumental in bringing this plot to life. I believe this story will appeal to the many readers of books like those written by Iris Johanssen as well as to the masses drawn to the historical framework of the National Treasure films Thank you for your consideration of this proposal.
When her long dead and quite ridiculous doctoral thesis suddenly mires Eleanor Lyons in an unfamiliar world filled with hired killers, personal vendettas, and treasure hunters, she first and foremost resents the intrusion on her quiet life. Connor Stevens, a handsome but elusive man harboring a keen interest in her research, suddenly appears in her life around the same time. Desperate to gain her trust, Connor attempts to bully her by tossing an unknown entity into the mix: he is not the only one who believes she holds the key to the resting place of an ancient treasure.
A man who has destroyed Connor’s life for his own pleasure, the bloodthirsty and relentless Jonathan Dubois will stop at nothing to possess the Trinity Medallions, which he believes belong to him through familial descent. Proving Connor’s claim and forcing Eleanor’s hand, he kidnaps Gabrielle, her best friend. Keeping silent is no longer an option as Jonathan holds her friend hostage in exchange for the information in Eleanor's head. Trading herself and her knowledge for her friend’s freedom, Eleanor is forced to do something she hates even more than giving in to pushy and violent men. Trusting pushy and violent men. Unable to claw her way out of Jonathan's clutches on her own, Eleanor reveals the location of the medallions to Connor and his cohorts though she isn’t at all sure her life is more important to him than finding the medallions. At the mercy of a trained, psychotic killer, she has to trust that Connor won’t forget about her now that she has given him what he wants.
I love history and believe that the legends, myths, and characters it provides us are timeless and, if spun effectively, remain both appealing and exciting for all generations of readers. This story races along the path traveled by this elusive ancient treasure while employing detailed flashbacks to let us intimately know the historical figures that helped ensure its survival. I believe this novel succeeds in celebrating the interconnectivity of human life through the centuries, as well as illustrating the legacy that each generation leaves for the next.
I have a bachelor’s degree in Radio-TV-Film from Texas Christian University where I polished a talent for vivid and succinct writing. I am currently working towards a Master’s degree in Ancient History at the University of Missouri-Kansas City, which has instilled in me a passion for the past that is instrumental in bringing this plot to life. I believe this story will appeal to the many readers of books like those written by Iris Johanssen as well as to the masses drawn to the historical framework of the National Treasure films Thank you for your consideration of this proposal.
REVISED QUERY - THE CHOSEN ONES
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Mr. Agent:
A studious teen’s life has become the stuff of nightmares: not only was she created by aliens to save the universe, but her housecat is actually a werecat in disguise, and she has magical abilities that she has to learn to use on her own which get her mixed up in a dragon civil war, and through all this, dark fairies are hunting her.
We'd like to submit our young adult fantasy, The Chosen Ones, for your review. The completed manuscript is approximately 100,000 words.
Katie is an outcast, her sophomore peers are just too creeped out by her purple hair and glowing violet eyes. Instead of having friends, Katie has books as companions. When the dark fey find her on Earth, her housecat hides her on another planet and explains the truth. There she begins training to use her magical abilities and befriends a pride of dragons that are in dire need of help before their hatchlings die. Soon she realizes she can't help them alone and inadvertently brings Jack to her aid.
Jack was orphaned as a baby and ran away from the latest foster home. Normal people avoid him because of his glowing amber eyes and ability to know what they are thinking. His alley cat companion is telepathic and has been Jack’s only friend on the streets.
Immediately Jack and Katie butt heads. Katie was hoping for the boy in her dreams, and instead Jack is arrogant and awkward. He acts like life is a game. Now they must put aside their differences to save their new dragon friends and thwart the dark fey's attempts at destroying the dragons' planet. Will the logical Katie be able to see through Jack's defenses and learn to trust him in time?
While The Chosen Ones is a stand alone novel, it is also the first in a planned trilogy. We have started writing the second book, The Prophesy, and have a detailed outline available for review. The Alliance, the third book, also has a rough outline in place. This is our first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Natalie and Rick Nuttall
(email address)
(phone number)
Dear Mr. Agent:
A studious teen’s life has become the stuff of nightmares: not only was she created by aliens to save the universe, but her housecat is actually a werecat in disguise, and she has magical abilities that she has to learn to use on her own which get her mixed up in a dragon civil war, and through all this, dark fairies are hunting her.
We'd like to submit our young adult fantasy, The Chosen Ones, for your review. The completed manuscript is approximately 100,000 words.
Katie is an outcast, her sophomore peers are just too creeped out by her purple hair and glowing violet eyes. Instead of having friends, Katie has books as companions. When the dark fey find her on Earth, her housecat hides her on another planet and explains the truth. There she begins training to use her magical abilities and befriends a pride of dragons that are in dire need of help before their hatchlings die. Soon she realizes she can't help them alone and inadvertently brings Jack to her aid.
Jack was orphaned as a baby and ran away from the latest foster home. Normal people avoid him because of his glowing amber eyes and ability to know what they are thinking. His alley cat companion is telepathic and has been Jack’s only friend on the streets.
Immediately Jack and Katie butt heads. Katie was hoping for the boy in her dreams, and instead Jack is arrogant and awkward. He acts like life is a game. Now they must put aside their differences to save their new dragon friends and thwart the dark fey's attempts at destroying the dragons' planet. Will the logical Katie be able to see through Jack's defenses and learn to trust him in time?
While The Chosen Ones is a stand alone novel, it is also the first in a planned trilogy. We have started writing the second book, The Prophesy, and have a detailed outline available for review. The Alliance, the third book, also has a rough outline in place. This is our first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Natalie and Rick Nuttall
(email address)
(phone number)
The Second Chance (1st Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent:
During the trip to redeem his past, Jerry learns two things: Debbie, the woman he loves, is dead and when she left him seven years ago, she was pregnant.
With the help of a kind school teacher named Amy Denner, Jerry meets his son, Jake. The moment is bittersweet as it’s revealed that the disease that took Debbie’s life has passed on to Jake. Jerry falls in love with Amy and learns to become a father to Jake, and just as everything appears to beginning to be normal, it all changes. On the same the day that Jerry was going to propose to Amy and Amy was going to announce her pregnancy, Jake’s disease takes over.
With Jake’s life in the balance and Jerry’s emotions tested again, he must find strength within himself to hold on to his second chance.
THE SECOND CHANCE is a 67,000 word novel that encompasses a personal journey that most of us take at least once in our lives. There is something in this story that will affect everyone in a different way. It may be the person who graduates college only to return home to find everything has changed. It may also be the person who has just sent their last child off to college and has to ask themselves, what’s next?
My short stories have appeared in such publications as The Piker Press and The Cynic Online Magazine.
Thank you for your time and consideration, I hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
Jim Wisneski
Dear Agent:
During the trip to redeem his past, Jerry learns two things: Debbie, the woman he loves, is dead and when she left him seven years ago, she was pregnant.
With the help of a kind school teacher named Amy Denner, Jerry meets his son, Jake. The moment is bittersweet as it’s revealed that the disease that took Debbie’s life has passed on to Jake. Jerry falls in love with Amy and learns to become a father to Jake, and just as everything appears to beginning to be normal, it all changes. On the same the day that Jerry was going to propose to Amy and Amy was going to announce her pregnancy, Jake’s disease takes over.
With Jake’s life in the balance and Jerry’s emotions tested again, he must find strength within himself to hold on to his second chance.
THE SECOND CHANCE is a 67,000 word novel that encompasses a personal journey that most of us take at least once in our lives. There is something in this story that will affect everyone in a different way. It may be the person who graduates college only to return home to find everything has changed. It may also be the person who has just sent their last child off to college and has to ask themselves, what’s next?
My short stories have appeared in such publications as The Piker Press and The Cynic Online Magazine.
Thank you for your time and consideration, I hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
Jim Wisneski
Sep 3, 2009
QUERY - TOO FAR GONE
Dear Agent,
Seventeen-year-old Milo hates seeing his mom in pain. It feels like a fist wrenching his guts. But he’s the one thrust into caring for her. His older brother and sister are too busy with their own adult lives, and his dad might as well be grieving already.
Then Lia transfers to his high school. Suddenly, he wonders if she’s the reason he’s yet to date any girls in his classes. Though his parents were high school sweethearts, for the first time Milo thinks, this girl might be someone he could love forever.
Before Milo can get up the nerve, his childhood friend, Damien, slinks in and asks Lia out. Though Milo suspects Damien has no plans to toss aside his player reputation for Lia, he flounders. Does he warn her at the risk of pushing her away and betraying his old friend? Or keep his mouth shut, as usual?
When Lia comes to him, shaking, one night shortly after his mom’s funeral, it’s clear he made the wrong choice. The attempted rape leaves him feeling hatred and guilt as he confronts the friend who was once like a brother to him, but it’s the self-loathing that leaves him spinning out of control.
TOO FAR GONE is a YA novel, complete at 65,000 words. I received my MFA in Creative Writing – Poetry from San Diego State University and have published a few poems. However, this is my first novel.
Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Seventeen-year-old Milo hates seeing his mom in pain. It feels like a fist wrenching his guts. But he’s the one thrust into caring for her. His older brother and sister are too busy with their own adult lives, and his dad might as well be grieving already.
Then Lia transfers to his high school. Suddenly, he wonders if she’s the reason he’s yet to date any girls in his classes. Though his parents were high school sweethearts, for the first time Milo thinks, this girl might be someone he could love forever.
Before Milo can get up the nerve, his childhood friend, Damien, slinks in and asks Lia out. Though Milo suspects Damien has no plans to toss aside his player reputation for Lia, he flounders. Does he warn her at the risk of pushing her away and betraying his old friend? Or keep his mouth shut, as usual?
When Lia comes to him, shaking, one night shortly after his mom’s funeral, it’s clear he made the wrong choice. The attempted rape leaves him feeling hatred and guilt as he confronts the friend who was once like a brother to him, but it’s the self-loathing that leaves him spinning out of control.
TOO FAR GONE is a YA novel, complete at 65,000 words. I received my MFA in Creative Writing – Poetry from San Diego State University and have published a few poems. However, this is my first novel.
Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
QUERY - THE SECOND CHANCE
Dear Agent:
I am seeking representation for my 67,000 word fiction novel, THE SECOND CHANCE.
Jerry Dunningham’s life was easy. He woke up, put on a suit and tie, and traded securities all day long for the company he owned. He made money, lived comfortably, but secretly inside, he was miserable. Each day that passed was one day longer away from his love, Debbie. The days now added up to seven years since Jerry pushed her and his entire family away and dedicated his life to his company. Now his company is closed, a victim to the economy and Jerry has nothing but the past. The past that he hopes will fix his future as he packs his bags and travels back to Pennsylvania to find Debbie.
Pennsylvania quickly brings Jerry much heartache as he learns Debbie has passed away. After meeting and confiding in a kind school teacher named Amy Denner, she reveals a secret that Debbie left behind, a secret that she’d kept from him for seven years, a secret that will challenge Jerry in ways he never thought possible.
The past and present become entwined as Jerry must find strength within his changing feelings towards Amy, life, and himself in order to hold on to his second chance.
My short stories have appeared in such publications as The Piker Press and The Cynic Online Magazine. This is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration, I hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
I am seeking representation for my 67,000 word fiction novel, THE SECOND CHANCE.
Jerry Dunningham’s life was easy. He woke up, put on a suit and tie, and traded securities all day long for the company he owned. He made money, lived comfortably, but secretly inside, he was miserable. Each day that passed was one day longer away from his love, Debbie. The days now added up to seven years since Jerry pushed her and his entire family away and dedicated his life to his company. Now his company is closed, a victim to the economy and Jerry has nothing but the past. The past that he hopes will fix his future as he packs his bags and travels back to Pennsylvania to find Debbie.
Pennsylvania quickly brings Jerry much heartache as he learns Debbie has passed away. After meeting and confiding in a kind school teacher named Amy Denner, she reveals a secret that Debbie left behind, a secret that she’d kept from him for seven years, a secret that will challenge Jerry in ways he never thought possible.
The past and present become entwined as Jerry must find strength within his changing feelings towards Amy, life, and himself in order to hold on to his second chance.
My short stories have appeared in such publications as The Piker Press and The Cynic Online Magazine. This is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration, I hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
QUERY -- CALLARION AT NIGHT
Dear Agent:
Moriah Rowani has spent more than a decade angry at her mother for leaving in the middle of the night, a note to her father the only record of the disappearance. On her runaway mother's orders, her father sent her to the Senro -- a tracking school lauded for placing students in every court around the word -- and a prestigiuous riding school in the desert nation of Budur. Moriah returns, skilled and full of rage, ready to forget the woman who birthed her ... until the day her father is killed. His final words are "find the diary."
She follows her father's orders and begins searching, using all her skills taken from the Senro in the hunt. Moriah must duck the death squads of the Chancellery Guards and Brotherhood of Purity, who are intent on capturing her because she is a half-nymph; an affront to all they hold dear. With the help of allies both in and out of the underground resistance, she discovers that the diary holds secrets able to bring down the Lord Chancellor himself -- the architect of the hell the city-state of Callarion has become.
My steampunk fantasy novel, CALLARION AT NIGHT, is complete at 100,000 words. Thank you for taking the time to consider my submission.
Moriah Rowani has spent more than a decade angry at her mother for leaving in the middle of the night, a note to her father the only record of the disappearance. On her runaway mother's orders, her father sent her to the Senro -- a tracking school lauded for placing students in every court around the word -- and a prestigiuous riding school in the desert nation of Budur. Moriah returns, skilled and full of rage, ready to forget the woman who birthed her ... until the day her father is killed. His final words are "find the diary."
She follows her father's orders and begins searching, using all her skills taken from the Senro in the hunt. Moriah must duck the death squads of the Chancellery Guards and Brotherhood of Purity, who are intent on capturing her because she is a half-nymph; an affront to all they hold dear. With the help of allies both in and out of the underground resistance, she discovers that the diary holds secrets able to bring down the Lord Chancellor himself -- the architect of the hell the city-state of Callarion has become.
My steampunk fantasy novel, CALLARION AT NIGHT, is complete at 100,000 words. Thank you for taking the time to consider my submission.
Sep 1, 2009
DOESN’T MATTER ANYWAY – second version
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent:
I am seeking representation for DOESN’T MATTER ANYWAY, a 93,000-word work of adult literary fiction. I am writing to you because [. . . researched/personalized.]
Like This Boy’s Life by Tobias Wolff and Black and Blue by Anna Quindlen, my book explores the thin margin of error for a child growing up too fast in a dangerous home. Wishing for a normal childhood exploring the quiet streets of his small Midwestern town, Alan is caught between trying to keep up with his outgoing best friend and keeping an awful family secret – the vicious beatings his dad inflicts on his mom at night. We follow Alan over two treacherous years of adolescence as he asserts his independence from the deepening chaos around him, unaware of how he is nudging his parents out of their pattern of violence and reconciliation and into volatile new territory. Eventually, his defiance will force them to confront how far Alan will go to escape his mom’s shelter, how far she will go to protect Alan from himself, and how far his dad will go to keep control of them both.
My journalism on the subject of children witnessing violence has won magazine and advocacy awards and has been anthologized in college writing texts. I can be reached at [ . . .] Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Yours sincerely,
Robert McGuire
www.robertmcguire.net
Dear Agent:
I am seeking representation for DOESN’T MATTER ANYWAY, a 93,000-word work of adult literary fiction. I am writing to you because [. . . researched/personalized.]
Like This Boy’s Life by Tobias Wolff and Black and Blue by Anna Quindlen, my book explores the thin margin of error for a child growing up too fast in a dangerous home. Wishing for a normal childhood exploring the quiet streets of his small Midwestern town, Alan is caught between trying to keep up with his outgoing best friend and keeping an awful family secret – the vicious beatings his dad inflicts on his mom at night. We follow Alan over two treacherous years of adolescence as he asserts his independence from the deepening chaos around him, unaware of how he is nudging his parents out of their pattern of violence and reconciliation and into volatile new territory. Eventually, his defiance will force them to confront how far Alan will go to escape his mom’s shelter, how far she will go to protect Alan from himself, and how far his dad will go to keep control of them both.
My journalism on the subject of children witnessing violence has won magazine and advocacy awards and has been anthologized in college writing texts. I can be reached at [ . . .] Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Yours sincerely,
Robert McGuire
www.robertmcguire.net
Agent Interview- Nathan Bransford
Attention Slushpile Readers:
Nathan Bransford, an agent with Curtis Brown, Ltd., was able to spare a few minutes to respond to an interview request. Thanks Nathan!
In addition to his role as an agent, Nathan maintains a blog that is regularly updated with invaluable information on writing, querying, and the publishing industry. Oh, and the occasional TV show. You may have heard of it. You may even be one of the 1,983 people who follow it.
So without further ado...
When reading for pleasure, what is your favorite genre? If you don’t have a favorite, so to speak, then in which genre have you read the most books (for pleasure)?
I truly read all across the board, whether that’s literary fiction, YA, middle grade, women’s fiction, science fiction, fantasy… you name it. I don’t think I read more books in one category or another. Just about the only books I don’t read for pleasure are romance and horror.
Is the above genre also the one in which you have sold the most books?
Similarly to my genres of interest, my sales have been all over the map.
When considering a manuscript, how does your existing network of editors affect your decision to offer representation?
I don’t take something on specifically to mesh with the people I know best in the industry, but by the time I’m finished with a manuscript I want to take on I already have a mental list of the editors who I think might like it.
You accept 4-5 sample pages with a query. Do you ever skip the sample pages if the query is enough to indicate that the work is not for you?
Yes, definitely. I have to stop reading when I’ve made a decision, and that decision can come in the first line or it can come after reading the query and all five sample pages. Even if the query is sub-par I’ll usually skip down and scan the sample pages to see if they jump out at me, but I just don’t have time to pore over all five pages of every query I receive.
How often do sample pages sway your opinion to request a partial when the query is sub-par?
I’ve never had an instance when a query was truly subpar but the pages were amazing. Writers with a great manuscript are nearly always able to put together at least an average query. There have been times when a query was so-so and I was wavering on whether to request pages, and was swayed by the sample material and ended up requesting a partial. But even those instances are rare. For the most part there’s a correlation: a writer with a great manuscript usually writes a great query.
How often does a superb query have sample pages that inspire a rejection?
Very often. Now that I request five pages with the query I actually request far fewer partials than I did before I instituted the policy. Some writers are able to write really superb queries, whether because they’re just good at it or they had help, even if their actual manuscript isn’t actually that strong. Requesting five pages has helped me weed these projects out. This has been great for me from a time perspective as I’m better able to focus my time, and I also am much less likely to miss out on the authors who don’t have a super query but do have a great manuscript.
When shopping a manuscript, how is the query from an agent to an editor different from the writer's query to the agent?
Not that different, really. In fact, some agents will even incorporate the author’s own description of the project into the pitch letter. But the essentials are the same: it’s a short description that will hopefully inspire the editor to want to read it quickly.
Nathan Bransford, an agent with Curtis Brown, Ltd., was able to spare a few minutes to respond to an interview request. Thanks Nathan!
In addition to his role as an agent, Nathan maintains a blog that is regularly updated with invaluable information on writing, querying, and the publishing industry. Oh, and the occasional TV show. You may have heard of it. You may even be one of the 1,983 people who follow it.
So without further ado...
When reading for pleasure, what is your favorite genre? If you don’t have a favorite, so to speak, then in which genre have you read the most books (for pleasure)?
I truly read all across the board, whether that’s literary fiction, YA, middle grade, women’s fiction, science fiction, fantasy… you name it. I don’t think I read more books in one category or another. Just about the only books I don’t read for pleasure are romance and horror.
Is the above genre also the one in which you have sold the most books?
Similarly to my genres of interest, my sales have been all over the map.
When considering a manuscript, how does your existing network of editors affect your decision to offer representation?
I don’t take something on specifically to mesh with the people I know best in the industry, but by the time I’m finished with a manuscript I want to take on I already have a mental list of the editors who I think might like it.
You accept 4-5 sample pages with a query. Do you ever skip the sample pages if the query is enough to indicate that the work is not for you?
Yes, definitely. I have to stop reading when I’ve made a decision, and that decision can come in the first line or it can come after reading the query and all five sample pages. Even if the query is sub-par I’ll usually skip down and scan the sample pages to see if they jump out at me, but I just don’t have time to pore over all five pages of every query I receive.
How often do sample pages sway your opinion to request a partial when the query is sub-par?
I’ve never had an instance when a query was truly subpar but the pages were amazing. Writers with a great manuscript are nearly always able to put together at least an average query. There have been times when a query was so-so and I was wavering on whether to request pages, and was swayed by the sample material and ended up requesting a partial. But even those instances are rare. For the most part there’s a correlation: a writer with a great manuscript usually writes a great query.
How often does a superb query have sample pages that inspire a rejection?
Very often. Now that I request five pages with the query I actually request far fewer partials than I did before I instituted the policy. Some writers are able to write really superb queries, whether because they’re just good at it or they had help, even if their actual manuscript isn’t actually that strong. Requesting five pages has helped me weed these projects out. This has been great for me from a time perspective as I’m better able to focus my time, and I also am much less likely to miss out on the authors who don’t have a super query but do have a great manuscript.
When shopping a manuscript, how is the query from an agent to an editor different from the writer's query to the agent?
Not that different, really. In fact, some agents will even incorporate the author’s own description of the project into the pitch letter. But the essentials are the same: it’s a short description that will hopefully inspire the editor to want to read it quickly.
Aug 30, 2009
WHIZ-BANG FANTASTIC
Dear Xxxx,
Dashiell Colourful is an extraordinary gentleman. He's charming, refined, street-smart, handsome, and a sharp dresser. He's intelligent, affable, strong and agile. To put it succinctly, he is Whiz-Bang Fantastic. As such, he is the protagonist of Whiz-Bang Fantastic, an 83,000-word fantasy novel of perfect worlds, thrilling adventures, and discoveries that could change virtually everything.
Dashiell leads a charmed life in the vibrant town of The City, a gilded place where everything is grand and amazing. He works as a haberdasher, selling the most chic wares the High Street has to offer, he has a loving wife and a talking fox for a pet, his best friend is a flamboyant stage actor, and he is admired and respected by all.
And he finds it endlessly boring!
He tries to lash out against his walk in life however he can, from soaring through the air on his aluminum "Gull" glider, to exploring the vast, untamed forest in his backyard. He's still in a rut, however, and he thinks nothing will ever change… until he meets Raleigh.
Raleigh is a young woman that Dashiell found wandering in the forest, lost and injured. She's not grand and amazing, and we probably wouldn't notice her on the street. To Dashiell, however, and to his world, she's like nothing they've ever seen before!
Raleigh's arrival in The City causes an astounding stir, and sends Dashiell and everyone close to him on a journey of perspective, realization, and self-discovery. Some, though, believe Raleigh to be a corruptive influence due to her being the complete opposite to the way of things, and no one can be sure what else may change…
Whiz-Bang Fantastic is my first completed novel, but I've been writing short stories and other novels for the better part of eight years. My writing has won me the Seamus Flynn Memorial Award, a local scholarship for artistic achievement. If you would like to read a sample of my manuscript, I would be happy to provide it. Thank you in advance for your consideration.
Sincerely,
John Marshall
Dashiell Colourful is an extraordinary gentleman. He's charming, refined, street-smart, handsome, and a sharp dresser. He's intelligent, affable, strong and agile. To put it succinctly, he is Whiz-Bang Fantastic. As such, he is the protagonist of Whiz-Bang Fantastic, an 83,000-word fantasy novel of perfect worlds, thrilling adventures, and discoveries that could change virtually everything.
Dashiell leads a charmed life in the vibrant town of The City, a gilded place where everything is grand and amazing. He works as a haberdasher, selling the most chic wares the High Street has to offer, he has a loving wife and a talking fox for a pet, his best friend is a flamboyant stage actor, and he is admired and respected by all.
And he finds it endlessly boring!
He tries to lash out against his walk in life however he can, from soaring through the air on his aluminum "Gull" glider, to exploring the vast, untamed forest in his backyard. He's still in a rut, however, and he thinks nothing will ever change… until he meets Raleigh.
Raleigh is a young woman that Dashiell found wandering in the forest, lost and injured. She's not grand and amazing, and we probably wouldn't notice her on the street. To Dashiell, however, and to his world, she's like nothing they've ever seen before!
Raleigh's arrival in The City causes an astounding stir, and sends Dashiell and everyone close to him on a journey of perspective, realization, and self-discovery. Some, though, believe Raleigh to be a corruptive influence due to her being the complete opposite to the way of things, and no one can be sure what else may change…
Whiz-Bang Fantastic is my first completed novel, but I've been writing short stories and other novels for the better part of eight years. My writing has won me the Seamus Flynn Memorial Award, a local scholarship for artistic achievement. If you would like to read a sample of my manuscript, I would be happy to provide it. Thank you in advance for your consideration.
Sincerely,
John Marshall
Query: Winter Roses Never Die
Click here to read the original query.
This is my second go at it...thank mightily for your help and suggestions.
Dear Ms Xxxxxx,
As a fan of your blog, I'm querying your interest in a 90,000 word paranormal romance ms for adults which crosses borders into inspirational and mystic Christianity.
When Jennie - a shy, fey woman of thirty-four - relates to her library co-workers of meeting a gorgeous man (Charos) in an abandoned wintry cemetery beside a rose-covered grave, her credibility is stretched to the limit. But when she describes hearing disembodied singing and music that seem to follow her down the cemetery path, her long-suffering associates begin to doubt her integrity and sanity. However she hasn't even told them the whole story of what she experienced. She is convinced a fairy lady, with sloe-shaped green eyes, was reclining upon a twig-like branch of a wattle tree. The lady's eyes held such power that Jennie couldn't move or speak. Only when able to recite the most powerful prayer she knows does the vision disappear.
For Jennie, the blood red roses aren't the only stand-out feature of the overgrown, gothic cemetery. She uses the grounds as a short cut to work and stops to speak to the life-like statue of the Christ garbed in a maroon cloak. She sometimes receives uplifting 'inspirationals' when she does.
Not far away from the statue, the wheel-chair bound man who finally reveals his name to be Charos is often seated beside the rosy grave. There appears some surreal connection between him and the roses. He explains to Jennie that the roses are magical and will never die. They only sleep in summer and return every winter when 'she' is needed the most. With the arrival of summer, this enigmatic, charming and understanding man disappears along with the winter roses. Jennie is determined to know the truth about Charos and bring him back into her life. Armed with eternal truths gleaned from inspirational communication with the Divine, she begins her quest discovering in the process that true, selfless love is more about understanding and sacrifice than romance which, like the winter roses, will never die.
Winter Roses Never Die was recently awared a Highly Commended certificate and third place in an open writing competition hosted by Affordable Manuscript Assessments. More details of the story, including the first chapter and a book trailer, are available on my blog at http://www.blackfaerydesigns.blogspot.com
Thank you for your time, etc....
This is my second go at it...thank mightily for your help and suggestions.
Dear Ms Xxxxxx,
As a fan of your blog, I'm querying your interest in a 90,000 word paranormal romance ms for adults which crosses borders into inspirational and mystic Christianity.
When Jennie - a shy, fey woman of thirty-four - relates to her library co-workers of meeting a gorgeous man (Charos) in an abandoned wintry cemetery beside a rose-covered grave, her credibility is stretched to the limit. But when she describes hearing disembodied singing and music that seem to follow her down the cemetery path, her long-suffering associates begin to doubt her integrity and sanity. However she hasn't even told them the whole story of what she experienced. She is convinced a fairy lady, with sloe-shaped green eyes, was reclining upon a twig-like branch of a wattle tree. The lady's eyes held such power that Jennie couldn't move or speak. Only when able to recite the most powerful prayer she knows does the vision disappear.
For Jennie, the blood red roses aren't the only stand-out feature of the overgrown, gothic cemetery. She uses the grounds as a short cut to work and stops to speak to the life-like statue of the Christ garbed in a maroon cloak. She sometimes receives uplifting 'inspirationals' when she does.
Not far away from the statue, the wheel-chair bound man who finally reveals his name to be Charos is often seated beside the rosy grave. There appears some surreal connection between him and the roses. He explains to Jennie that the roses are magical and will never die. They only sleep in summer and return every winter when 'she' is needed the most. With the arrival of summer, this enigmatic, charming and understanding man disappears along with the winter roses. Jennie is determined to know the truth about Charos and bring him back into her life. Armed with eternal truths gleaned from inspirational communication with the Divine, she begins her quest discovering in the process that true, selfless love is more about understanding and sacrifice than romance which, like the winter roses, will never die.
Winter Roses Never Die was recently awared a Highly Commended certificate and third place in an open writing competition hosted by Affordable Manuscript Assessments. More details of the story, including the first chapter and a book trailer, are available on my blog at http://www.blackfaerydesigns.blogspot.com
Thank you for your time, etc....
Aug 29, 2009
Query for WIND FURY: Revision #3
Just the meat and bones this time; let's hope I'm closer. Thanks again to all who take the time to re-re-re-re-read and comment, you are all my heroes and heroines!
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read revision 1.
Click here to read revision 2.
When the North Wind's mortal lover, Armin, is murdered by an unknown enemy, North discovers in the aftermath that there was more to Armin than she ever knew--- and a possibility that he's not quite dead.
Forbidden by the Council of the Gods to find Armin or the person responsible for sending him to the Underworld, North makes the choice to ignore eons of loyal duty and go after her heart, even though it could mean the loss of her powers and immortality. But before she can try to bring him back, she will have to wade through the mystery of his past, and the fate of the gods that lies in his hands, for Armin is the Determiner of his generation: the mortal bound to decide if the gods will stay on Earth, or go back to the Oblivion from which they came. If she fails at any of the trials before her, she just may lose him forever.
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read revision 1.
Click here to read revision 2.
When the North Wind's mortal lover, Armin, is murdered by an unknown enemy, North discovers in the aftermath that there was more to Armin than she ever knew--- and a possibility that he's not quite dead.
Forbidden by the Council of the Gods to find Armin or the person responsible for sending him to the Underworld, North makes the choice to ignore eons of loyal duty and go after her heart, even though it could mean the loss of her powers and immortality. But before she can try to bring him back, she will have to wade through the mystery of his past, and the fate of the gods that lies in his hands, for Armin is the Determiner of his generation: the mortal bound to decide if the gods will stay on Earth, or go back to the Oblivion from which they came. If she fails at any of the trials before her, she just may lose him forever.
Query - Treandle (revision 1)
Click here to read the original query.
Cyrilla’s life on the farm has been sheltered because of the magic she’s kept hidden for eighteen harvest seasons. But there’s something about Muerek that she is willing to risk everything for.
The problem is, he’s a cavalry soldier in the Royal Army, and his lineage goes all the way back to a commander in the Nettoyage war, when those with magic were contained behind the walls of Treandle.
When her magic is exposed for saving his life, both their worlds are ripped apart. Cyrilla must endure the pain of loosing her family and Muerek, while struggling to perform the daunting tasks of High Speaker, a role of high power to those with magic.
Muerek has nowhere to go. Azthorn, his home city, only holds ridicule and shame for falling in love with a Verbannen (those locked away for having magic). Then, a vivid dream beckons him to investigate the means by which gifted children are taken to containment camps, and he discovers a deception that will forever change his beliefs about the Verbannen and Gekozen (mages assigned to keeping the Verbannen contained).
My 96,000 word YA fantasy, Treandle, brings the Verbannen from Treandle and the Goeden (those without magic) from Tearnoc back together after two hundred seasons of fear and persecution. But there is a price to pay, war against the Gekozen. The rest of the Goeden in the kingdom know nothing about what is happening to the gifted children, thereby siding with those they have been taught to believe.
Cyrilla is a shy and insecure girl (both her parents are alive) who must learn to deal with the pain of lost love, accept overwhelming responsibilities, and grow into something she never thought possible.
Muerek’s always been confident and had everything he ever wanted in life, except love. Now he must learn to trust his own instincts and decide for himself what is right and wrong.
The stage will be set for a war fought to free those with magic which will come in future novel(s).
Cyrilla’s life on the farm has been sheltered because of the magic she’s kept hidden for eighteen harvest seasons. But there’s something about Muerek that she is willing to risk everything for.
The problem is, he’s a cavalry soldier in the Royal Army, and his lineage goes all the way back to a commander in the Nettoyage war, when those with magic were contained behind the walls of Treandle.
When her magic is exposed for saving his life, both their worlds are ripped apart. Cyrilla must endure the pain of loosing her family and Muerek, while struggling to perform the daunting tasks of High Speaker, a role of high power to those with magic.
Muerek has nowhere to go. Azthorn, his home city, only holds ridicule and shame for falling in love with a Verbannen (those locked away for having magic). Then, a vivid dream beckons him to investigate the means by which gifted children are taken to containment camps, and he discovers a deception that will forever change his beliefs about the Verbannen and Gekozen (mages assigned to keeping the Verbannen contained).
My 96,000 word YA fantasy, Treandle, brings the Verbannen from Treandle and the Goeden (those without magic) from Tearnoc back together after two hundred seasons of fear and persecution. But there is a price to pay, war against the Gekozen. The rest of the Goeden in the kingdom know nothing about what is happening to the gifted children, thereby siding with those they have been taught to believe.
Cyrilla is a shy and insecure girl (both her parents are alive) who must learn to deal with the pain of lost love, accept overwhelming responsibilities, and grow into something she never thought possible.
Muerek’s always been confident and had everything he ever wanted in life, except love. Now he must learn to trust his own instincts and decide for himself what is right and wrong.
The stage will be set for a war fought to free those with magic which will come in future novel(s).
Aug 28, 2009
REVISED Query - Beneath the Heart of Beauty
Click here to read the original query.
Charlie Waters has secrets that even he doesn't know. He was shot in the head while on a business trip a few years earlier. The wound had robbed Charlie of his memories of that time. Nobody has a clue, including Charlie, what had happened during that fateful trip.
Charlie's present life is an unhappy one. He thinks he loves his wife, Barbara, but he has never been able to forgive her for her affair. Brief flashbacks of that mysterious business trip begin to return, including memories of a beautiful, young woman that overflow with sex, passion, and a happiness that seemed like a dream. When additional flashbacks of greed, suicide, and murder also return, Charlie struggles to understand how that dream became a nightmare.
Charlie realizes that while he was terribly upset over Barbara's affair, he apparently had his own. Barbara and he begin a complicated dance in an attempt to reconnect with each other. Charlie's disjointed memories haunt him, jarring him both emotionally and physically. He wants the relationship he used to have with Barbara, if that's possible. He also can't deny the longing for this woman he recalls only in flashbacks. He has no idea who shot him or why. Until he finds these answers to his past, Charlie is unable to move forward with any future he might have with Barbara.
BENEATH THE HEART OF BEAUTY is a literary novel with 72,000 words.
BENEATH THE HEART OF BEAUTY is my first novel, although I've had several short stories published in the past on different fiction web sites (all now defunct). I have written most of the book reviews on www.reviewsofbooks.com for the last seven years.
Thank you for your time and consideration. A completed manuscript is available.
Charlie Waters has secrets that even he doesn't know. He was shot in the head while on a business trip a few years earlier. The wound had robbed Charlie of his memories of that time. Nobody has a clue, including Charlie, what had happened during that fateful trip.
Charlie's present life is an unhappy one. He thinks he loves his wife, Barbara, but he has never been able to forgive her for her affair. Brief flashbacks of that mysterious business trip begin to return, including memories of a beautiful, young woman that overflow with sex, passion, and a happiness that seemed like a dream. When additional flashbacks of greed, suicide, and murder also return, Charlie struggles to understand how that dream became a nightmare.
Charlie realizes that while he was terribly upset over Barbara's affair, he apparently had his own. Barbara and he begin a complicated dance in an attempt to reconnect with each other. Charlie's disjointed memories haunt him, jarring him both emotionally and physically. He wants the relationship he used to have with Barbara, if that's possible. He also can't deny the longing for this woman he recalls only in flashbacks. He has no idea who shot him or why. Until he finds these answers to his past, Charlie is unable to move forward with any future he might have with Barbara.
BENEATH THE HEART OF BEAUTY is a literary novel with 72,000 words.
BENEATH THE HEART OF BEAUTY is my first novel, although I've had several short stories published in the past on different fiction web sites (all now defunct). I have written most of the book reviews on www.reviewsofbooks.com for the last seven years.
Thank you for your time and consideration. A completed manuscript is available.
Aug 24, 2009
Query - Beneath the Heart of Beauty
Charlie Waters loves his wife, Barbara. Or at least he used to. When her affair was revealed two years earlier, everything in Charlie's world began to unravel. Soon after that discovery, Charlie went on a trip to Los Angeles and disappeared. It wasn't until he emerged from a coma six weeks later that anyone had any idea where he was, or even who he was. A gunshot wound to the head had robbed Charlie of any memories of what had happened to him. He has staggered through life ever since.
Charlie begins to have intense erotic dreams and brief memories about a beautiful woman he doesn't recognize. He assumes this young woman must be from his forgotten past. The memories of this woman overflow with sex, passion, and a happiness that seemed like a dream. When additional flashbacks of greed, suicide, and murder begin to return, Charlie struggles to understand how the dream became a nightmare.
Charlie and Barbara begin a complicated dance in an attempt to reconnect with each other. Charlie's disjointed memories haunt him, jarring him both emotionally and physically. He wants the relationship he used to have with Barbara, if that's possible. He also can't deny the longing for this woman he recalls only in flashbacks. He has no idea who shot him or why. Until he finds these answers to his past, Charlie is unable to move forward with any future he might have with Barbara.
BENEATH THE HEART OF BEAUTY is a literary novel with 72,000 words.
BENEATH THE HEART OF BEAUTY is my first novel, although I've had several short stories published in the past on different fiction web sites (all now defunct). I have written most of the book reviews on www.reviewsofbooks.com for the last seven years.
Thank you for your time and consideration. A completed manuscript is available.
Charlie begins to have intense erotic dreams and brief memories about a beautiful woman he doesn't recognize. He assumes this young woman must be from his forgotten past. The memories of this woman overflow with sex, passion, and a happiness that seemed like a dream. When additional flashbacks of greed, suicide, and murder begin to return, Charlie struggles to understand how the dream became a nightmare.
Charlie and Barbara begin a complicated dance in an attempt to reconnect with each other. Charlie's disjointed memories haunt him, jarring him both emotionally and physically. He wants the relationship he used to have with Barbara, if that's possible. He also can't deny the longing for this woman he recalls only in flashbacks. He has no idea who shot him or why. Until he finds these answers to his past, Charlie is unable to move forward with any future he might have with Barbara.
BENEATH THE HEART OF BEAUTY is a literary novel with 72,000 words.
BENEATH THE HEART OF BEAUTY is my first novel, although I've had several short stories published in the past on different fiction web sites (all now defunct). I have written most of the book reviews on www.reviewsofbooks.com for the last seven years.
Thank you for your time and consideration. A completed manuscript is available.
Aug 23, 2009
QUERY FOR: NOT HER MOTHER'S FATE, revision one
Click here to read the original query.
Amy Thompson is not looking for romance when she meets Robert Crane at her birthday party. Impulsive, charming, and outgoing, he is the exact opposite of Amy, who loathes crowds and attention. At first Amy resists his advances because his constant drunkenness reminds her of the abusive home she grew up in, but after much encouragement from her friends, and Roberts resolution to give up alcohol, she gives in to her loneliness and longing for a family of her own.
Once they move in together, Amy discovers Robert’s commitment to sobriety is as fickle as his religious faith. As his alcoholism escalates into violence, Amy is haunted by nightmares of abuses she suffered at her alcoholic father’s hands, and several times she plans her escape. Unlike her own father, however, Robert is sincere in his remorse and guilt, and has the loyalty and support of his family and church.
Further complicating her dilemma is Amy’s growing attraction to Robert’s best friend, who unwittingly rescues her from the worst of Robert’s failings on several occasions. Abandoning Robert and avoiding the cycle of abuse and alcoholism that was the eventual cause of her mother’s death would be easy, if she did not also this betrayal would end any chance of happiness with Cal as well.
Not Her Mother’s Fate is a 90,000 word family drama that tests the limits of friendship, love, and loyalty.
Thank you for reviewing my project. Per your submission guidelines, please find below the first five pages of Not Her Mother’s Fate.
Sincerely,
Donna Hole
Amy Thompson is not looking for romance when she meets Robert Crane at her birthday party. Impulsive, charming, and outgoing, he is the exact opposite of Amy, who loathes crowds and attention. At first Amy resists his advances because his constant drunkenness reminds her of the abusive home she grew up in, but after much encouragement from her friends, and Roberts resolution to give up alcohol, she gives in to her loneliness and longing for a family of her own.
Once they move in together, Amy discovers Robert’s commitment to sobriety is as fickle as his religious faith. As his alcoholism escalates into violence, Amy is haunted by nightmares of abuses she suffered at her alcoholic father’s hands, and several times she plans her escape. Unlike her own father, however, Robert is sincere in his remorse and guilt, and has the loyalty and support of his family and church.
Further complicating her dilemma is Amy’s growing attraction to Robert’s best friend, who unwittingly rescues her from the worst of Robert’s failings on several occasions. Abandoning Robert and avoiding the cycle of abuse and alcoholism that was the eventual cause of her mother’s death would be easy, if she did not also this betrayal would end any chance of happiness with Cal as well.
Not Her Mother’s Fate is a 90,000 word family drama that tests the limits of friendship, love, and loyalty.
Thank you for reviewing my project. Per your submission guidelines, please find below the first five pages of Not Her Mother’s Fate.
Sincerely,
Donna Hole
Aug 21, 2009
Query for WIND FURY: Revision #2
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read revision 1.
Alright, I'm going to preface this one with my dilemma. On the last attempt, several people noted confusion at "the North Wind" being a person, whom I later refer to as North. They suggested I refer to her as a goddess, but she isn't, in my world. She is an Aspect of Nature, born of Gaea (Mother Nature) as part of herself to rule over the North Wind. She can blow into the world as the Wind, but she also has a human form. Without getting into too much detail, that's where my problem is.
I don't want to break the rhythm of the query by having to explain all that because it's kind of a mouthful. So, any help on that issue with the info above would be GREATLY appreciated, and please let me know if I've solved the other questions, as well. Thank you SO MUCH everyone, I know it's a doozy to have to do the same ones over and over but I really appreciate your help :) -L.T.
Here's my latest version:
An unknown enemy is trying to kill the North Wind’s mortal lover, Armin, and one day, they succeed.
A change comes over North with the loss of Armin. He was the shining star in the long dark of her existence. For the eons before him, she had been responsible, dutiful--- and lonely. Now she must choose between her duty and her happiness to try to reclaim him from the Underworld and find the person responsible for his death; even if it means disobeying the ruling of the Council of Gods. But before she can try to bring him back, she will have to unlock the mystery of his past, and the fate of the gods that lies in his hands, for Armin is the Determiner of his generation--- the one who decides if the gods stay on Earth, or go back to the Oblivion from which they came. If she fails at any of the trials before her, she just may lose him forever.
WIND FURY is a 90,000 word fantasy novel exploring a world on the edge of two destinies, and the mortals and immortals who will determine its course, explore their true abilities, and uphold their honor.
The completed manuscript is available at your request. This novel will stand alone, but I already have several ideas for sequels and related story canon in this world.
I thank you for your time and consideration.
Click here to read revision 1.
Alright, I'm going to preface this one with my dilemma. On the last attempt, several people noted confusion at "the North Wind" being a person, whom I later refer to as North. They suggested I refer to her as a goddess, but she isn't, in my world. She is an Aspect of Nature, born of Gaea (Mother Nature) as part of herself to rule over the North Wind. She can blow into the world as the Wind, but she also has a human form. Without getting into too much detail, that's where my problem is.
I don't want to break the rhythm of the query by having to explain all that because it's kind of a mouthful. So, any help on that issue with the info above would be GREATLY appreciated, and please let me know if I've solved the other questions, as well. Thank you SO MUCH everyone, I know it's a doozy to have to do the same ones over and over but I really appreciate your help :) -L.T.
Here's my latest version:
An unknown enemy is trying to kill the North Wind’s mortal lover, Armin, and one day, they succeed.
A change comes over North with the loss of Armin. He was the shining star in the long dark of her existence. For the eons before him, she had been responsible, dutiful--- and lonely. Now she must choose between her duty and her happiness to try to reclaim him from the Underworld and find the person responsible for his death; even if it means disobeying the ruling of the Council of Gods. But before she can try to bring him back, she will have to unlock the mystery of his past, and the fate of the gods that lies in his hands, for Armin is the Determiner of his generation--- the one who decides if the gods stay on Earth, or go back to the Oblivion from which they came. If she fails at any of the trials before her, she just may lose him forever.
WIND FURY is a 90,000 word fantasy novel exploring a world on the edge of two destinies, and the mortals and immortals who will determine its course, explore their true abilities, and uphold their honor.
The completed manuscript is available at your request. This novel will stand alone, but I already have several ideas for sequels and related story canon in this world.
I thank you for your time and consideration.
Query "Stand-In" Revision 1
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent,
Kelly Jo Carter is the object of a killer’s twisted obsession. She is also a woman with a severe, yet well placed, mistrust of law enforcement. When she finds herself smack dab in the center of an investigation into the murders of several local women, she needs to decide if she can trust Detective John Broden and Special Agent Alex Darby. This time around, though, Kelly has an advantage because she has something that the lawmen want; the name of the serial killer they are hunting. Broden and Darby both realize that Kelly is no doubt the killer’s endgame so they want more than a name. They want to use Kelly as bait. Kelly is aware that she will never be safe until this particular man is off the streets, and in theory, Broden and Darby could help accomplish that. But, the last time she had sought the help of authorities where this prominent citizen was concerned, things had not gone well. Now, she fears that if she gives these new investigators the killer’s name, the entire matter will be covered up… again.
“Stand-In” is a completed 84,000-word commercial fiction thriller that will appeal to readers of John Sandford’s Prey Series as well as readers of Sandra Brown’s thrillers. “Stand-In” will be the first of at least three novels in this series; although, it is written in a way that it can stand-alone. I currently have no published works to cite, but I feel that “Stand-In” will change that.
I would be happy to send the entire manuscript or any portion of it for your review. Thank you for your time, I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Author
Dear Agent,
Kelly Jo Carter is the object of a killer’s twisted obsession. She is also a woman with a severe, yet well placed, mistrust of law enforcement. When she finds herself smack dab in the center of an investigation into the murders of several local women, she needs to decide if she can trust Detective John Broden and Special Agent Alex Darby. This time around, though, Kelly has an advantage because she has something that the lawmen want; the name of the serial killer they are hunting. Broden and Darby both realize that Kelly is no doubt the killer’s endgame so they want more than a name. They want to use Kelly as bait. Kelly is aware that she will never be safe until this particular man is off the streets, and in theory, Broden and Darby could help accomplish that. But, the last time she had sought the help of authorities where this prominent citizen was concerned, things had not gone well. Now, she fears that if she gives these new investigators the killer’s name, the entire matter will be covered up… again.
“Stand-In” is a completed 84,000-word commercial fiction thriller that will appeal to readers of John Sandford’s Prey Series as well as readers of Sandra Brown’s thrillers. “Stand-In” will be the first of at least three novels in this series; although, it is written in a way that it can stand-alone. I currently have no published works to cite, but I feel that “Stand-In” will change that.
I would be happy to send the entire manuscript or any portion of it for your review. Thank you for your time, I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Author
Aug 19, 2009
Query for WIND FURY, Revision #1
Click here to read the original query.
Someone is trying to kill the North Wind’s mortal lover, Armin. One day, they succeed.
Something changes in North with the loss of Armin. For eons, she has been responsible, dutiful--- and lonely. Now, she must choose between her duty, and her happiness, to reclaim the shining star in the long dark of her life and find the person responsible for his death, even if it means disobeying the other gods. But before she can try to bring him back, she will have to unlock the mystery of his past, and the fate of the rest of the gods that lies in his hands. If she fails at any of the trials before her, she just may lose him forever.
WIND FURY is a 90,000 word fantasy novel exploring a world on the edge of two destinies, and the mortals and immortals who will determine its course, explore their true abilities, and uphold their honor.
This is my first novel. I thank you for your time and consideration.
Someone is trying to kill the North Wind’s mortal lover, Armin. One day, they succeed.
Something changes in North with the loss of Armin. For eons, she has been responsible, dutiful--- and lonely. Now, she must choose between her duty, and her happiness, to reclaim the shining star in the long dark of her life and find the person responsible for his death, even if it means disobeying the other gods. But before she can try to bring him back, she will have to unlock the mystery of his past, and the fate of the rest of the gods that lies in his hands. If she fails at any of the trials before her, she just may lose him forever.
WIND FURY is a 90,000 word fantasy novel exploring a world on the edge of two destinies, and the mortals and immortals who will determine its course, explore their true abilities, and uphold their honor.
This is my first novel. I thank you for your time and consideration.
QUERY- RUDY TOOT-TOOT (Revised)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Hi Ms. Agent,
I appreciate the feedback you gave me regarding my earlier manuscript for RUDY TOOT-TOOT; there certainly is room for more. According to physics, gas expands to fit whatever size container it is in, so naturally the story grew from a short picture book to fill out the new 4,000-word chapter book manuscript ;-)
Rudy Toot-Toot, the gassy little boy who was born on a bean farm, wakes up one morning to find a list of chores left for him by Papa. One of the hired hands is sick and they need young Rudy to help out at the family Bean Market. Rudy's emissions keep slipping out as he completes each chore, sometimes expediting them (like when he wakes up all the Beanheads camped alongside the road), and sometimes prolonging them (like when his wind erases the Price Board). Eventually, Rudy's "gift" saves that day when the market bell breaks and he finds an alternate way to sound off for market close.
You had asked that I stay in touch. I hope you find the attached manuscript to be a marketable work that you would consider representing. In a world where WALTER THE FARTING DOG has earned his own movie, I think Rudy and his family can make a lot of noise!
Best regards,
Rick Daley
Lewis Center, OH
Phone Number
Email
Click here to read the first revision.
Hi Ms. Agent,
I appreciate the feedback you gave me regarding my earlier manuscript for RUDY TOOT-TOOT; there certainly is room for more. According to physics, gas expands to fit whatever size container it is in, so naturally the story grew from a short picture book to fill out the new 4,000-word chapter book manuscript ;-)
Rudy Toot-Toot, the gassy little boy who was born on a bean farm, wakes up one morning to find a list of chores left for him by Papa. One of the hired hands is sick and they need young Rudy to help out at the family Bean Market. Rudy's emissions keep slipping out as he completes each chore, sometimes expediting them (like when he wakes up all the Beanheads camped alongside the road), and sometimes prolonging them (like when his wind erases the Price Board). Eventually, Rudy's "gift" saves that day when the market bell breaks and he finds an alternate way to sound off for market close.
You had asked that I stay in touch. I hope you find the attached manuscript to be a marketable work that you would consider representing. In a world where WALTER THE FARTING DOG has earned his own movie, I think Rudy and his family can make a lot of noise!
Best regards,
Rick Daley
Lewis Center, OH
Phone Number
Aug 18, 2009
Query-The Eternal Link (Versions 6 and 7)
NOTE: There are two versions of the query in this post, the author would like feedback on which one you prefer.
Version 6 (I hope I got it right this time and didn't ruin it by putting in some voice.)
Sixteen-year-old Catalina returns to the 31st century after searching through the past for her mother to find pieces of that ancient time came back with her. Now she is stuck in a world where the magical past and the high-tech present are merging at an alarming rate…and it’s pretty much all her fault.
After discovering she is an eternal, Catalina puts her quest for the birth-mother she never knew on hold to fulfill her newfound duties as a keeper of time. But control of her swiftly growing magic lies just beyond her reach and she can’t to fix time alone. Instead, she seeks the aid of old eternal who just might be able to stop the time blend before an army of united dark magic and high-tech soldiers destroy everything in pursuit of her immortality.
Time is literally running out before the world erases completely, and Catalina must choose between holding onto her hopes of a life with her real mother or accept her responsibility to return time to its proper state. On the plus side, there will be no more laser guns pointed at her head or souls suckers poised at her door. But a restored timeline means nothing will be left of her Catalina’s friends, her mother, or the boy she has come to love but two-thousand year old memories.
The Eternal Link is a young adult fantasy novel completed at 80,000 words.
Version 7
After searching through the past for her mother, sixteen-year-old Catalina returns to the 31st century only to find pieces of that ancient time came back with her. Now she is stuck in a world where the magical past and the high-tech present are merging at an alarming rate…and it’s pretty much all her fault.
Catalina puts the quest for her birth-mother on hold to try and mend her mistake. But she can’t fix time alone. Instead, she seeks the aid of an old eternal who just might be able to stop the time blend before an army of united dark magic and high-tech soldiers destroy everything she cares about to get to her. Time is literally running out before the world erases completely, and Catalina must choose between holding onto her hopes of a life with her real mother or accept her responsibility to return time to its proper state. On the plus side, she’ll get rid of those instigating the hunt for her immortality. But a restored timeline means nothing will be left of Catalina’s friends, her mother, or the boy she has come to love but two-thousand year old memories.
The Eternal Link is a young adult fantasy novel completed at 80,000 words.
Version 6 (I hope I got it right this time and didn't ruin it by putting in some voice.)
Sixteen-year-old Catalina returns to the 31st century after searching through the past for her mother to find pieces of that ancient time came back with her. Now she is stuck in a world where the magical past and the high-tech present are merging at an alarming rate…and it’s pretty much all her fault.
After discovering she is an eternal, Catalina puts her quest for the birth-mother she never knew on hold to fulfill her newfound duties as a keeper of time. But control of her swiftly growing magic lies just beyond her reach and she can’t to fix time alone. Instead, she seeks the aid of old eternal who just might be able to stop the time blend before an army of united dark magic and high-tech soldiers destroy everything in pursuit of her immortality.
Time is literally running out before the world erases completely, and Catalina must choose between holding onto her hopes of a life with her real mother or accept her responsibility to return time to its proper state. On the plus side, there will be no more laser guns pointed at her head or souls suckers poised at her door. But a restored timeline means nothing will be left of her Catalina’s friends, her mother, or the boy she has come to love but two-thousand year old memories.
The Eternal Link is a young adult fantasy novel completed at 80,000 words.
Version 7
After searching through the past for her mother, sixteen-year-old Catalina returns to the 31st century only to find pieces of that ancient time came back with her. Now she is stuck in a world where the magical past and the high-tech present are merging at an alarming rate…and it’s pretty much all her fault.
Catalina puts the quest for her birth-mother on hold to try and mend her mistake. But she can’t fix time alone. Instead, she seeks the aid of an old eternal who just might be able to stop the time blend before an army of united dark magic and high-tech soldiers destroy everything she cares about to get to her. Time is literally running out before the world erases completely, and Catalina must choose between holding onto her hopes of a life with her real mother or accept her responsibility to return time to its proper state. On the plus side, she’ll get rid of those instigating the hunt for her immortality. But a restored timeline means nothing will be left of Catalina’s friends, her mother, or the boy she has come to love but two-thousand year old memories.
The Eternal Link is a young adult fantasy novel completed at 80,000 words.
Synopsis-The Eternal Link (Version 2)
Click here to read the most recent queries.
I worked on this a lot, so I hope it's better this time! (it's definitely a more manageable length) For reference The Eternal Link is an 80,000-word YA fantasy. Any help is appreciated!
It's 3031 CE in the city of Ulcadia. Fifteen-year old Catalina Cordova, late to class and feeling ill, rushes past the students popping in and out of transporters. Her heartbeat drums loudly in her head and she stops, half-leaning against the cool wall of the hallway. She feels a flush and, without warning, flames pour out from her eyes, turning the hall orange and sending students screaming. When her vision clears, her headache is gone and she remembers her best friend lying on the floor, her skin charred and ice leaking in a puddle below her.
Catalina doesn't know what happened, and neither does anyone else. Her adoptive parents yank her out of school, back to the decaying house she once called home. But her parents' mindless chants to Mother Nature won't bring back Catalina's friend, and she's worried fire might burst out of her again at any time. And ever since the accident Catalina’s been having more dreams-haunting dreams of a birthmother that fills her with images of love and acceptance. If anyone would have answers, it would be her birthmother.
While searching for her mother, Catalina is beckoned through a painting come to life with promises of answers in the world beyond its frame. She is thrust back thousands of years in time where she loses control of her fire in a battle with a demonic creature. Her fire burns the surrounding trees and sends a signal above the forest. From above, a flying stranger brings a soothing rain that sizzles against Catalina’s skin and, despite her protests; he rescues her.
When Catalina wakes up, she butts heads with her irritating, yet surprisingly intriguing savior, Darwin, who acts more like a boy than the man he is. But he leaves and Catalina is kidnapped by followers of a man, Valmont, who lusts after her power and the immortality that comes with it. She barely escapes with the help of Valmont’s jealous fiancé and washes up on a beach where an old wizard she almost recognizes finds her.
The familiar wizard, Warwick, exudes a strange sense of safety that is solidified when Catalina accidentally enters his mind. He knows her and, maybe, he knows her mother as well. Back at Warwick’s castle-home she bumps into Darwin. He kisses her then forces her back to where she started in 3031 CE just as her mother rushes to her. Catalina is fueled by anger from watching her mother slip away again and her powers grow. The trees see this and recognize the marks of an eternal, a keeper of time. But that’s just the problem…the trees SEE.
Awakened after thousands of years, the trees tell Catalina that as an eternal, it is her job to protect time. Due to a rift, at any given moment, pieces of the past come crashing into Catalina’s present. The trees urge her to seek the help of he who failed before her as an eternal: Warwick. But before he can help, Warwick’s powers must be restored by reuniting him with his true love.
Catalina follows clues from her vivid dreams that guide her through the ever-changing landscape affected by time jumps. They lead her to outwit the fairies in their labyrinth, across the mountains where demons roam, through the roots of elvin trees, and finally into the sea with a siren. Deep into the ocean, in a cottage untouchable by magic, Catalina finds Warwick’s love but on her way back, she is pulled into Valmont’s mind. Through his eyes, Catalina watches him raise an army of soul-sucking demons and high-tech armies alike. Through his body, Catalina feels the elation that wipes over him as he murders the people she cares about.
Catalina is driven by these images to fight Valmont herself. There is no time to wait for Warwick’s powers to strengthen. At the castle that popped up out of nowhere, Catalina finds not only Darwin waiting as pompous and handsome as ever, but also the woman she so desperately wanted to find: Her mother. With her mother by her side, Catalina and her army march forward into the great domed city of Ulcadia to fight Valmont head-on. In the midst of battle, Catalina meets Valmont and transports them both into the fourth dimension. The voices of those she loves swirl in her head and she gains the strength to annihilate Valmont. Instead, she leaves him in the fourth dimension to rot while she fights her way down into the stream of time.
Through Catalina, time slowly heals, but she realizes she will lose everything when it is restored to its proper state. She cries as she hangs like a puppet on a string while clinging to the image of her half-dissolved mother. Just when she makes the decision to sacrifice herself and become a human patch for time, a new force enters the fourth dimension. A powerful Warwick takes Catalina’s place and tells her she can either return to earth as the eternal or she can go with Mother Nature and be at peace. If she dies, a child will have to take her place. So, as Warwick fuses with time, Catalina spirals down to earth to be caught by none other than the boy behind the magic portrait, her painter, Darwin.
I worked on this a lot, so I hope it's better this time! (it's definitely a more manageable length) For reference The Eternal Link is an 80,000-word YA fantasy. Any help is appreciated!
It's 3031 CE in the city of Ulcadia. Fifteen-year old Catalina Cordova, late to class and feeling ill, rushes past the students popping in and out of transporters. Her heartbeat drums loudly in her head and she stops, half-leaning against the cool wall of the hallway. She feels a flush and, without warning, flames pour out from her eyes, turning the hall orange and sending students screaming. When her vision clears, her headache is gone and she remembers her best friend lying on the floor, her skin charred and ice leaking in a puddle below her.
Catalina doesn't know what happened, and neither does anyone else. Her adoptive parents yank her out of school, back to the decaying house she once called home. But her parents' mindless chants to Mother Nature won't bring back Catalina's friend, and she's worried fire might burst out of her again at any time. And ever since the accident Catalina’s been having more dreams-haunting dreams of a birthmother that fills her with images of love and acceptance. If anyone would have answers, it would be her birthmother.
While searching for her mother, Catalina is beckoned through a painting come to life with promises of answers in the world beyond its frame. She is thrust back thousands of years in time where she loses control of her fire in a battle with a demonic creature. Her fire burns the surrounding trees and sends a signal above the forest. From above, a flying stranger brings a soothing rain that sizzles against Catalina’s skin and, despite her protests; he rescues her.
When Catalina wakes up, she butts heads with her irritating, yet surprisingly intriguing savior, Darwin, who acts more like a boy than the man he is. But he leaves and Catalina is kidnapped by followers of a man, Valmont, who lusts after her power and the immortality that comes with it. She barely escapes with the help of Valmont’s jealous fiancé and washes up on a beach where an old wizard she almost recognizes finds her.
The familiar wizard, Warwick, exudes a strange sense of safety that is solidified when Catalina accidentally enters his mind. He knows her and, maybe, he knows her mother as well. Back at Warwick’s castle-home she bumps into Darwin. He kisses her then forces her back to where she started in 3031 CE just as her mother rushes to her. Catalina is fueled by anger from watching her mother slip away again and her powers grow. The trees see this and recognize the marks of an eternal, a keeper of time. But that’s just the problem…the trees SEE.
Awakened after thousands of years, the trees tell Catalina that as an eternal, it is her job to protect time. Due to a rift, at any given moment, pieces of the past come crashing into Catalina’s present. The trees urge her to seek the help of he who failed before her as an eternal: Warwick. But before he can help, Warwick’s powers must be restored by reuniting him with his true love.
Catalina follows clues from her vivid dreams that guide her through the ever-changing landscape affected by time jumps. They lead her to outwit the fairies in their labyrinth, across the mountains where demons roam, through the roots of elvin trees, and finally into the sea with a siren. Deep into the ocean, in a cottage untouchable by magic, Catalina finds Warwick’s love but on her way back, she is pulled into Valmont’s mind. Through his eyes, Catalina watches him raise an army of soul-sucking demons and high-tech armies alike. Through his body, Catalina feels the elation that wipes over him as he murders the people she cares about.
Catalina is driven by these images to fight Valmont herself. There is no time to wait for Warwick’s powers to strengthen. At the castle that popped up out of nowhere, Catalina finds not only Darwin waiting as pompous and handsome as ever, but also the woman she so desperately wanted to find: Her mother. With her mother by her side, Catalina and her army march forward into the great domed city of Ulcadia to fight Valmont head-on. In the midst of battle, Catalina meets Valmont and transports them both into the fourth dimension. The voices of those she loves swirl in her head and she gains the strength to annihilate Valmont. Instead, she leaves him in the fourth dimension to rot while she fights her way down into the stream of time.
Through Catalina, time slowly heals, but she realizes she will lose everything when it is restored to its proper state. She cries as she hangs like a puppet on a string while clinging to the image of her half-dissolved mother. Just when she makes the decision to sacrifice herself and become a human patch for time, a new force enters the fourth dimension. A powerful Warwick takes Catalina’s place and tells her she can either return to earth as the eternal or she can go with Mother Nature and be at peace. If she dies, a child will have to take her place. So, as Warwick fuses with time, Catalina spirals down to earth to be caught by none other than the boy behind the magic portrait, her painter, Darwin.
Aug 17, 2009
Not a Real Query- Just for Fun
To take a break from all the critiquing, I'm posting a mock query I submitted to Evil Editor for last week's Writing Exercise: Bad Queries. "Write a query that focuses entirely on one thing that should be a very minor part of a good query, or shouldn't be included in a good query at all." All of the submissions were funny, check the rest out!
Dear Evil Editor,
I know you are just dying to read my really long manuscript, THE SEARCH FOR MR. LINCOLN: AND THE ENCOUNTER WITH CORNBREAD AND THE THREE EYED MAN. You see, even the title is long. And with a title that long, the manuscript must be long, too. I can’t tell you how many words it is, because when I tried to do a word count, my computer started crying. Really, tears poured from the monitor. That really jacked up my keyboard, but it didn’t stop me from adding another huge chuck of words to the manuscript.
I know the word count is right on the money, so you don’t have to worry about it. You can trust me. I made it incredibly long because you can’t have too much of a good thing. I tried to have too much of a good thing once. You know what that good thing was? My manuscript. And I couldn’t get enough of it. So I added more words.
I’m adding more words to it again even though it’s done so I can release an unabridged version, with an even higher word count. The critics will rave about it because it will be a big thick book and it will look impressive on anyone’s bookshelf.
I think a high word count adds a great deal of value to the book. If you sell it at the same price as other books, like “epics” that are only “250,000 words,” then my book will have a lower cost per word. It will be like pennies on the dollar compared to those books because of all the extra words you get when you buy my book. In today’s economy, you can’t be too sensitive to the needs of the consumer.
Thank you for your consideration. I think I went over 250 words for this submission, but that only helps to illustrate my point, so I know you’ll forgive me.
Dear Evil Editor,
I know you are just dying to read my really long manuscript, THE SEARCH FOR MR. LINCOLN: AND THE ENCOUNTER WITH CORNBREAD AND THE THREE EYED MAN. You see, even the title is long. And with a title that long, the manuscript must be long, too. I can’t tell you how many words it is, because when I tried to do a word count, my computer started crying. Really, tears poured from the monitor. That really jacked up my keyboard, but it didn’t stop me from adding another huge chuck of words to the manuscript.
I know the word count is right on the money, so you don’t have to worry about it. You can trust me. I made it incredibly long because you can’t have too much of a good thing. I tried to have too much of a good thing once. You know what that good thing was? My manuscript. And I couldn’t get enough of it. So I added more words.
I’m adding more words to it again even though it’s done so I can release an unabridged version, with an even higher word count. The critics will rave about it because it will be a big thick book and it will look impressive on anyone’s bookshelf.
I think a high word count adds a great deal of value to the book. If you sell it at the same price as other books, like “epics” that are only “250,000 words,” then my book will have a lower cost per word. It will be like pennies on the dollar compared to those books because of all the extra words you get when you buy my book. In today’s economy, you can’t be too sensitive to the needs of the consumer.
Thank you for your consideration. I think I went over 250 words for this submission, but that only helps to illustrate my point, so I know you’ll forgive me.
Query- The Last Flight (Version 4)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the second version.
Click here to read the third version.
Agency
Agent
Dear Mr. or Ms. Agent
Flannary Investments LLC has been on the SEC's Division of Enforcement radar for a long time. Their increasing power in the markets and trading irregularities had triggered alarm bells. Jeff Conklin, SEC investigator, was assigned to the case.
When Conklin investigates, he discovers irregularities that go far beyond suspicious trades. Flannary Investments isn't a run of the mill powerful hedge fund. It's a massive investment scheme. Built upon a complex web of betrayal, trust, sex and murder.
Richard Harper a highly respected, freelance investigator never expected he would become part of an elaborate cover-up when he accepted an offer from the CFO of Flannary Investments LLC to investigate an investment scheme larger than he had ever known. And he would never have imagined that during the investigation, his wife was being seduced by its CEO.
Conklin teams up with Richard Harper to try and unravel the scheme. But the more they unravel, the more they find themselves entangled in the darkest corners of the hedge fund world where Flannary Investments operates.
The closer they get to the truth, the more desperate Flannary Investments becomes to stop them. As they target the company, they discover that Flannary Investments is targeting them.
Your agency was recommended as one of the top 50 in the country for longevity and for getting results. Also, Mr. Agent, I noticed when visiting your web site, you have particular interest in crime genre.
Thank you in advance for your time reading my query and I am prepared to send the entire 85k manuscript upon your request. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Author
Click here to read the second version.
Click here to read the third version.
Agency
Agent
Dear Mr. or Ms. Agent
Flannary Investments LLC has been on the SEC's Division of Enforcement radar for a long time. Their increasing power in the markets and trading irregularities had triggered alarm bells. Jeff Conklin, SEC investigator, was assigned to the case.
When Conklin investigates, he discovers irregularities that go far beyond suspicious trades. Flannary Investments isn't a run of the mill powerful hedge fund. It's a massive investment scheme. Built upon a complex web of betrayal, trust, sex and murder.
Richard Harper a highly respected, freelance investigator never expected he would become part of an elaborate cover-up when he accepted an offer from the CFO of Flannary Investments LLC to investigate an investment scheme larger than he had ever known. And he would never have imagined that during the investigation, his wife was being seduced by its CEO.
Conklin teams up with Richard Harper to try and unravel the scheme. But the more they unravel, the more they find themselves entangled in the darkest corners of the hedge fund world where Flannary Investments operates.
The closer they get to the truth, the more desperate Flannary Investments becomes to stop them. As they target the company, they discover that Flannary Investments is targeting them.
Your agency was recommended as one of the top 50 in the country for longevity and for getting results. Also, Mr. Agent, I noticed when visiting your web site, you have particular interest in crime genre.
Thank you in advance for your time reading my query and I am prepared to send the entire 85k manuscript upon your request. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Author
Query "Stand-In"
Dear Agent,
Detective John Broden and Special Agent Alex Darby have been thrust into their worst nightmare; a serial killer that leaves the next body faster than the investigators can process the evidence from the previous one. Add in the fact that the killer is clearly trying to turn each victim into some unknown woman, and Broden and Darby definitely have their work cut out for them. They both know that the key to solving the murders will be determining the identity of the mystery woman.
When they stumble into the middle of what appears to be an unrelated case, they find their key. Kelly Jo Carter is, without a doubt, the object of a killer’s twisted obsession. She is also a woman with a severe, yet well placed, mistrust of law enforcement. As Kelly lays out a story of corruption and betrayal, of brutality and abuse, it is almost more than the lawmen can believe.
“Stand-In” is a completed 84,000-word commercial fiction thriller and as a victim of a violent crime myself, I was able to incorporate some of my own experiences into the story line. “Stand-In” is not only packed with suspense, but allows readers to really feel the emotions that overwhelm victims.
I would be happy to send the entire manuscript, or any portion of it, for your review if you are interested. Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Author
Detective John Broden and Special Agent Alex Darby have been thrust into their worst nightmare; a serial killer that leaves the next body faster than the investigators can process the evidence from the previous one. Add in the fact that the killer is clearly trying to turn each victim into some unknown woman, and Broden and Darby definitely have their work cut out for them. They both know that the key to solving the murders will be determining the identity of the mystery woman.
When they stumble into the middle of what appears to be an unrelated case, they find their key. Kelly Jo Carter is, without a doubt, the object of a killer’s twisted obsession. She is also a woman with a severe, yet well placed, mistrust of law enforcement. As Kelly lays out a story of corruption and betrayal, of brutality and abuse, it is almost more than the lawmen can believe.
“Stand-In” is a completed 84,000-word commercial fiction thriller and as a victim of a violent crime myself, I was able to incorporate some of my own experiences into the story line. “Stand-In” is not only packed with suspense, but allows readers to really feel the emotions that overwhelm victims.
I would be happy to send the entire manuscript, or any portion of it, for your review if you are interested. Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Author
Aug 16, 2009
Query- Shadow Falls (Revision #1)
Click here to read the original query
Dear Agent:
There are people who know sixteen-year-old Willow Sinclair’s big secret. Unfortunately, Willow isn’t one of them.
Will senses something strange is going on the first week she starts her new school in the mountains of North Carolina. For a girl who has spent the first two years of high school successfully blending into the scenery, she suddenly is getting a whole lot of attention.
First, the faculty is giving her the hard sell on joining the Leadership Council (the LC), an exclusive club of students with ties to the academy’s biggest donor, a charismatic televangelist. The members are supermodel perfect, smart as hell, and spiritually dedicated (although dedicated to what, she’s not so sure). Willow can think of nothing she would like to join less.
Then, two boys are competing for her interest and warning her about the danger the other one poses. Will is confused. When did a fairy godmother sneak into her room and sprinkle her with desirable dust? Boys like these would have existed in another orbit from her at her old school in Texas.
Finally, as if beautiful boys and pushy teachers aren’t enough to drive a girl to the edge, Will starts seeing colors around people and develops the olfactory glands of a bloodhound.
Will needs answers. But she’s not sure which guy she can trust to help her find them. Rivers, the sweet Alabama boy with the killer dimples, who also happens to be a member of the LC? Or Pierce, the over-confident preacher’s son with a reputation for preying on new girls and an ax to grind with his father?
Both boys think they know why she’s gifted—she’s goddess-touched like they are. But neither realizes that Willow’s gift came at a price. Before she took her first breath, someone made a deal with her soul. And now it’s time to pay up.
I am pleased to submit for your consideration my paranormal young adult novel, SHADOW FALLS, complete at 85,000 words.
Thank you for your time and consideration. If you would like to learn more about me, please visit me at http://fictiongroupie.blogspot.com . I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Me
Dear Agent:
There are people who know sixteen-year-old Willow Sinclair’s big secret. Unfortunately, Willow isn’t one of them.
Will senses something strange is going on the first week she starts her new school in the mountains of North Carolina. For a girl who has spent the first two years of high school successfully blending into the scenery, she suddenly is getting a whole lot of attention.
First, the faculty is giving her the hard sell on joining the Leadership Council (the LC), an exclusive club of students with ties to the academy’s biggest donor, a charismatic televangelist. The members are supermodel perfect, smart as hell, and spiritually dedicated (although dedicated to what, she’s not so sure). Willow can think of nothing she would like to join less.
Then, two boys are competing for her interest and warning her about the danger the other one poses. Will is confused. When did a fairy godmother sneak into her room and sprinkle her with desirable dust? Boys like these would have existed in another orbit from her at her old school in Texas.
Finally, as if beautiful boys and pushy teachers aren’t enough to drive a girl to the edge, Will starts seeing colors around people and develops the olfactory glands of a bloodhound.
Will needs answers. But she’s not sure which guy she can trust to help her find them. Rivers, the sweet Alabama boy with the killer dimples, who also happens to be a member of the LC? Or Pierce, the over-confident preacher’s son with a reputation for preying on new girls and an ax to grind with his father?
Both boys think they know why she’s gifted—she’s goddess-touched like they are. But neither realizes that Willow’s gift came at a price. Before she took her first breath, someone made a deal with her soul. And now it’s time to pay up.
I am pleased to submit for your consideration my paranormal young adult novel, SHADOW FALLS, complete at 85,000 words.
Thank you for your time and consideration. If you would like to learn more about me, please visit me at http://fictiongroupie.blogspot.com . I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Me
Query- Near Edgware (Revision 1)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent,
I would like to introduce you to my novel, Near Edgware.
16 year-old Jess Trainer returns to a school that has changed in everyway except geographically. The Head doesn’t tolerate deviation from his code, and the rules. Jess is glad to be back, she just wants to spend time with her friends. Despite her determination to avoid trouble she can’t fight the lure of Caleb Ridgeway. She can see him, tell the difference, to her he is more than one of the matching set of boys who came with the new Headteacher.
This attraction draws Jess inside the world of those born Were. Only after she is attacked by feral Were does Jess discover that Caleb’s secret, exciting to speculate about, is bitingly real. Given the choice between keeping his secret or losing Caleb for good Jess decides their love is worth the risk. When the feral Were attempt to destroy the younger members of the pack – specifically Caleb – they have help on the inside who nearly make that happen.
The task of saving them all falls on Jess which is ironic given the other secret that permeates the book. Her parents keep from her why she senses when people are more than they seem, why she is fast and strong, why her visual memory was bred in her; they want to end a way of life built on hatred and annihilation. They leave it to fate to see what happens when the last born Hunter meets the Alpha-to-be. An unscrupulous Were could see Jess’ ignorance as the perfect opportunity for revenge. It’s a good job Caleb fights for more than the right to love.
Near Edgware is complete at 75,000 words. It has been written as a stand alone novel. But it could be so much more. Once characters have been established they have been known to develop a loyal following. I have planned the outlines for five, or infact six, further linked stories elements of each have been woven into the book. The first three chapters of Book 2 are already written and could be ready for perusal with the more polished manuscript described above.
I am a teacher and use Social and Emotional Aspect of Learning (SEAL) as the cornerstone of my work. I also have a counselling qualification. I bring these skills to my writing.
Thank you for your time. I hope to hear from you soon.
Yours sincerely
Dear Agent,
I would like to introduce you to my novel, Near Edgware.
16 year-old Jess Trainer returns to a school that has changed in everyway except geographically. The Head doesn’t tolerate deviation from his code, and the rules. Jess is glad to be back, she just wants to spend time with her friends. Despite her determination to avoid trouble she can’t fight the lure of Caleb Ridgeway. She can see him, tell the difference, to her he is more than one of the matching set of boys who came with the new Headteacher.
This attraction draws Jess inside the world of those born Were. Only after she is attacked by feral Were does Jess discover that Caleb’s secret, exciting to speculate about, is bitingly real. Given the choice between keeping his secret or losing Caleb for good Jess decides their love is worth the risk. When the feral Were attempt to destroy the younger members of the pack – specifically Caleb – they have help on the inside who nearly make that happen.
The task of saving them all falls on Jess which is ironic given the other secret that permeates the book. Her parents keep from her why she senses when people are more than they seem, why she is fast and strong, why her visual memory was bred in her; they want to end a way of life built on hatred and annihilation. They leave it to fate to see what happens when the last born Hunter meets the Alpha-to-be. An unscrupulous Were could see Jess’ ignorance as the perfect opportunity for revenge. It’s a good job Caleb fights for more than the right to love.
Near Edgware is complete at 75,000 words. It has been written as a stand alone novel. But it could be so much more. Once characters have been established they have been known to develop a loyal following. I have planned the outlines for five, or infact six, further linked stories elements of each have been woven into the book. The first three chapters of Book 2 are already written and could be ready for perusal with the more polished manuscript described above.
I am a teacher and use Social and Emotional Aspect of Learning (SEAL) as the cornerstone of my work. I also have a counselling qualification. I bring these skills to my writing.
Thank you for your time. I hope to hear from you soon.
Yours sincerely
Aug 15, 2009
Query - Traitor's Plight (1st Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent,
Dear Agent,
When her betrothed decides she has lived past the point of usefulness, Lydia escapes assassination only to find herself in the distant kingdom of war-torn Mudamora and her life in no less danger. The gods meddle in the affairs of this land and bless her with the ability to heal. The blessing is more of a curse; the power reveals itself when she restores Lord Rhys Calorian from a mortal injury, only for her to discover she must now bear the excruciating pain herself. Worse yet, it is a power condemning her to serve in the mad King's failing army should she ever be found out.
Resourcefulness and quick thinking saved her life before and these attributes serve her well as she blends into the underbelly of the city using the anonymity of a common serving wench. Only Rhys knows her secret and he uses it to coerce her into joining the ranks of the Princess's female guards, of which he is the reluctant captain. Over the clash of practice swords, they discover a passion greater than either of them expected, but it is a love continually tested by his quest for redemption of past transgressions and by her risk of discovery.
The trouble with secrets is not in the having, but in the keeping and when the Princess she is sworn to protect finds hers out, Lydia takes on the role of master dissembler to protect a prince from his own madness and to avoid a war of ascendancy that would leave Mudamora ripe for its enemy's picking. Only her act comes at the cost of Rhys' affection and to win it back she risks not only the family she swore to protect, but also sentencing herself to captivity and him to the
headman's block.
TRAITOR'S PLIGHT is a 107,000 word fantasy with a strong romantic element, and is the first volume in a trilogy. I would be happy to send you the complete manuscript at your request.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Author
Query- Near Edgware
Dear Agent,
Near Edgware, my YA paranormal romance is set in a seemingly normal secondary school and the ancient woodland that borders the town of Woodford, near Edgware. The manuscript is complete in 75,000 words.
Jess senses that someone’s keeping secrets and despite her determination to avoid trouble she can’t fight the lure of the boy who keeps away from his peers, says he isn’t interested but seems to be around every corner she turns. She can see subtle differences and worries away until she finds out the truth. She runs, more than walks into trouble unaware that there are things her family should have told her.
In the first term of the Sixth Form, 16 year-old Jess returns to a school that has changed in everyway except geographically. She has learned to use swimming and running to focus her excess energy now. The boy that intrigues her shares a lot of her interests and is more attractive than she can resist. She believes that she can really see him and wants to know him better. For a boy who says she should keep her distance his hands linger more than his eyes.
This is an attraction that draws Jess into the world of those born Were, the dangerous feral Were and the hunters who are born to eradicate wolves in any form. It takes trust and courage to love when the obstacles that stand in your way are rooted deeper than cultural norms.
Near Edgware opens up the window onto the world of the Were and the hunters who have bred a highly-skilled nemesis; only Jess knows nothing of her destiny. The result is a gripping and moving tale of two individuals who can see more in the other than the pretty, surface image. It is complete as a stand-alone novel but could be just the first chapter of a love that will have to withstand the ramifications of its existence.
I am a new writer. I am also a teacher and use aspects of Social and Emotional Aspect of Learning (SEAL) as the cornerstone of my work. I have an counselling qualification. I bring these skills to my writing.
Thank you for your time. I hope to hear from you soon.
Right... we all know that I need help of an almost psychological nature so I look forward to a little (or a lot) of advice!
Near Edgware, my YA paranormal romance is set in a seemingly normal secondary school and the ancient woodland that borders the town of Woodford, near Edgware. The manuscript is complete in 75,000 words.
Jess senses that someone’s keeping secrets and despite her determination to avoid trouble she can’t fight the lure of the boy who keeps away from his peers, says he isn’t interested but seems to be around every corner she turns. She can see subtle differences and worries away until she finds out the truth. She runs, more than walks into trouble unaware that there are things her family should have told her.
In the first term of the Sixth Form, 16 year-old Jess returns to a school that has changed in everyway except geographically. She has learned to use swimming and running to focus her excess energy now. The boy that intrigues her shares a lot of her interests and is more attractive than she can resist. She believes that she can really see him and wants to know him better. For a boy who says she should keep her distance his hands linger more than his eyes.
This is an attraction that draws Jess into the world of those born Were, the dangerous feral Were and the hunters who are born to eradicate wolves in any form. It takes trust and courage to love when the obstacles that stand in your way are rooted deeper than cultural norms.
Near Edgware opens up the window onto the world of the Were and the hunters who have bred a highly-skilled nemesis; only Jess knows nothing of her destiny. The result is a gripping and moving tale of two individuals who can see more in the other than the pretty, surface image. It is complete as a stand-alone novel but could be just the first chapter of a love that will have to withstand the ramifications of its existence.
I am a new writer. I am also a teacher and use aspects of Social and Emotional Aspect of Learning (SEAL) as the cornerstone of my work. I have an counselling qualification. I bring these skills to my writing.
Thank you for your time. I hope to hear from you soon.
Right... we all know that I need help of an almost psychological nature so I look forward to a little (or a lot) of advice!
Aug 14, 2009
A Scorpion's Nature - Revision #4
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Dear Agent,
The other sunny idiots at YMCA Camp Crenden could hold hands and wallow in their Kum By Yah lovefest. Ryan Laraway chose to lash back at his evil Junior Counselor and a tyrant camper. Unleashing his rage was the only way Ryan knew how to deal with the torment of his father’s death. It stunk that he might get booted out, though. He was so close to talking with that gorgeous girl in his field sports class. She seemed lonely too, just like him.
A SCORPION’S NATURE follows an anguished thirteen year old who copes with death by walling himself off from the living. Ryan’s journey unfolds in a rollicking summer camp with quirky songs and food so atrocious even the director’s mutt refuses to eat the Cheesy Fish Tarts. My 55,000 word upper middle grade novel grew out of twenty years as a YMCA camper, counselor, and director.
The complete manuscript is available upon your request. Thank you for considering my work.
Sincerely,
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Dear Agent,
The other sunny idiots at YMCA Camp Crenden could hold hands and wallow in their Kum By Yah lovefest. Ryan Laraway chose to lash back at his evil Junior Counselor and a tyrant camper. Unleashing his rage was the only way Ryan knew how to deal with the torment of his father’s death. It stunk that he might get booted out, though. He was so close to talking with that gorgeous girl in his field sports class. She seemed lonely too, just like him.
A SCORPION’S NATURE follows an anguished thirteen year old who copes with death by walling himself off from the living. Ryan’s journey unfolds in a rollicking summer camp with quirky songs and food so atrocious even the director’s mutt refuses to eat the Cheesy Fish Tarts. My 55,000 word upper middle grade novel grew out of twenty years as a YMCA camper, counselor, and director.
The complete manuscript is available upon your request. Thank you for considering my work.
Sincerely,
QUERY - DARK VISIONS
Dear Agent:
Psychic Jasmine Winters is about to find out which is harder: saving a woman she hates from a headline-making serial killer, or learning someone she loves might be that killer.
DARK VISIONS, my 97,000-word mystery, opens with Jasmine’s vision of her nemesis’ murder. While she’d like to let Marissa meet her end, there’s one problem: Marissa is married to Jasmine’s best friend, Mark. So, she spills all to Mark, who insists Jasmine meet with police. A reluctant Jasmine has instant chemistry with Det. Eric Mathers, a lead investigator on the case. Despite ridicule from colleagues, Eric asks Jasmine to help with the investigation.
Eric and Jasmine grow close as she recounts her visions of future and past murders by the serial killer. Things are looking up as one of Jasmine’s visions leads to a breakthrough in the case, and she and Eric become further enmeshed. But the rosy outlook doesn’t last long. Jasmine witnesses signs of mental instability in Mark and begins having disturbing visions of Eric’s violent past.
When Jasmine sees evidence connecting Mark to the killer’s unique calling card and hears the venom he has toward his wife, she’s not sure what to think. She’s even less sure after she has a vision of Eric’s past violence ending in a murder. She’s got a feeling one of these men is connected to the serial murders. She’d be less concerned if she could see her own future, but those are the visions that never come to Jasmine. So, now she’s got to piece this puzzle together herself before it’s too late.
DARK VISIONS is my first novel. However, I have written professionally about crime. I covered crime and spot news for The Kansas City Star. I also wrote for Campus Crime, a trade publication focused on crime and policing techniques on college campuses.
I’d love to send you the complete Dark Visions manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Signature
[to blog viewers: thanks in advance for your feedback]
Psychic Jasmine Winters is about to find out which is harder: saving a woman she hates from a headline-making serial killer, or learning someone she loves might be that killer.
DARK VISIONS, my 97,000-word mystery, opens with Jasmine’s vision of her nemesis’ murder. While she’d like to let Marissa meet her end, there’s one problem: Marissa is married to Jasmine’s best friend, Mark. So, she spills all to Mark, who insists Jasmine meet with police. A reluctant Jasmine has instant chemistry with Det. Eric Mathers, a lead investigator on the case. Despite ridicule from colleagues, Eric asks Jasmine to help with the investigation.
Eric and Jasmine grow close as she recounts her visions of future and past murders by the serial killer. Things are looking up as one of Jasmine’s visions leads to a breakthrough in the case, and she and Eric become further enmeshed. But the rosy outlook doesn’t last long. Jasmine witnesses signs of mental instability in Mark and begins having disturbing visions of Eric’s violent past.
When Jasmine sees evidence connecting Mark to the killer’s unique calling card and hears the venom he has toward his wife, she’s not sure what to think. She’s even less sure after she has a vision of Eric’s past violence ending in a murder. She’s got a feeling one of these men is connected to the serial murders. She’d be less concerned if she could see her own future, but those are the visions that never come to Jasmine. So, now she’s got to piece this puzzle together herself before it’s too late.
DARK VISIONS is my first novel. However, I have written professionally about crime. I covered crime and spot news for The Kansas City Star. I also wrote for Campus Crime, a trade publication focused on crime and policing techniques on college campuses.
I’d love to send you the complete Dark Visions manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Signature
[to blog viewers: thanks in advance for your feedback]
Aug 13, 2009
Query: Silver Spangles
Dear Agent,
In one world, a girl covets independence from her family. In another, a young man struggles to honor noblesse oblige while pretending to live a carefree teenaged life. Love—and an elite private school—smashes these two worlds together.
Eva, an American high school senior stuck in a new British school, chafes against her mother's constant surveillance and her classmates' unnaturally good behavior. Their blond good looks and bizarre obedience to authority, not to mention her paid stalker, lead her to suspect that the school is harboring a white supremacist group. Eva falls for the school's moody golden boy, Marcus, who reveals the truth: the students are Vikings who can travel in time until their nineteenth birthdays.
Marcus's royal angst means he doesn't tell Eva he rules as a minor king in the past. Planning on a short, romantic idyll, Marcus and Eva visit the eleventh century. The outing becomes dangerous when Marcus is attacked and drugged by a jealous Viking girl, Eva lands in prison and escapes by marrying a former classmate, and the Queen of Denmark attacks the Viking settlement. The couple barely escape to the present after Eva's mother, secretly a time-traveler herself, tips the battle in their favor and Marcus temporarily relinquishes his crown.
The completed young adult manuscript is approximately 93,000 words long.
Thanks for looking over this query. I've included the first five pages. Would you be interested in reading the full manuscript?
Sincerely,
Me!
In one world, a girl covets independence from her family. In another, a young man struggles to honor noblesse oblige while pretending to live a carefree teenaged life. Love—and an elite private school—smashes these two worlds together.
Eva, an American high school senior stuck in a new British school, chafes against her mother's constant surveillance and her classmates' unnaturally good behavior. Their blond good looks and bizarre obedience to authority, not to mention her paid stalker, lead her to suspect that the school is harboring a white supremacist group. Eva falls for the school's moody golden boy, Marcus, who reveals the truth: the students are Vikings who can travel in time until their nineteenth birthdays.
Marcus's royal angst means he doesn't tell Eva he rules as a minor king in the past. Planning on a short, romantic idyll, Marcus and Eva visit the eleventh century. The outing becomes dangerous when Marcus is attacked and drugged by a jealous Viking girl, Eva lands in prison and escapes by marrying a former classmate, and the Queen of Denmark attacks the Viking settlement. The couple barely escape to the present after Eva's mother, secretly a time-traveler herself, tips the battle in their favor and Marcus temporarily relinquishes his crown.
The completed young adult manuscript is approximately 93,000 words long.
Thanks for looking over this query. I've included the first five pages. Would you be interested in reading the full manuscript?
Sincerely,
Me!
Query: Killing Time on the Highway (final)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read a revision.
I just wanted to say thank you for your valuable comments. I sent queries to five literary agents on Aug. 4 and have had two requests for sample chapters so far! This is what I sent:
I came across your site and was immediately intrigued with your background as an editor. With your experience on both sides of the publishing industry, I feel my novel, Killing Time on the Highway, would be in good hands.
Minnesota State Patrol investigator Cade Dawkins takes on the case of a lifetime when a bloody highway shootout leaves behind eight dead bodies—and $300 million in cash. After his last assignment, a disaster that left his partners dead and his career on life support, Cade jumps at the opportunity for redemption, recognizing this will either be his biggest case—or his final case.
As Cade gets close to uncovering the money’s owner, there’s a problem: the owner wants his money back and is willing to do whatever it takes. To slow down Cade’s investigation, a catastrophic attack using automatic weapons and a stolen Hummer is launched on the Twin Cities’ busiest highway by four of the cruelest men to ever crawl out into daylight. With Cade and the entire city reeling, audacious thief Martin Clements is planning to break into Patrol headquarters to steal the money back.
Killing Time on the Highway, my 76,000 word thriller, will appeal to fans of the Prey series by John Sandford. His novels have taught me that strong characters, tight plotting and page turning action are important ingredients to a successful thriller.
Having written professionally for the last ten years in advertising and marketing, I’ve learned the value of powerful ideas and concise execution.
Thank you for your consideration,
Allan Evans
Click here to read a revision.
I just wanted to say thank you for your valuable comments. I sent queries to five literary agents on Aug. 4 and have had two requests for sample chapters so far! This is what I sent:
I came across your site and was immediately intrigued with your background as an editor. With your experience on both sides of the publishing industry, I feel my novel, Killing Time on the Highway, would be in good hands.
Minnesota State Patrol investigator Cade Dawkins takes on the case of a lifetime when a bloody highway shootout leaves behind eight dead bodies—and $300 million in cash. After his last assignment, a disaster that left his partners dead and his career on life support, Cade jumps at the opportunity for redemption, recognizing this will either be his biggest case—or his final case.
As Cade gets close to uncovering the money’s owner, there’s a problem: the owner wants his money back and is willing to do whatever it takes. To slow down Cade’s investigation, a catastrophic attack using automatic weapons and a stolen Hummer is launched on the Twin Cities’ busiest highway by four of the cruelest men to ever crawl out into daylight. With Cade and the entire city reeling, audacious thief Martin Clements is planning to break into Patrol headquarters to steal the money back.
Killing Time on the Highway, my 76,000 word thriller, will appeal to fans of the Prey series by John Sandford. His novels have taught me that strong characters, tight plotting and page turning action are important ingredients to a successful thriller.
Having written professionally for the last ten years in advertising and marketing, I’ve learned the value of powerful ideas and concise execution.
Thank you for your consideration,
Allan Evans
QUERY - A SCORPION'S NATURE - REVISION #3
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Thank you to everyone who has been posting comments. Your responses have been specific, which has been quite helpful. I’ve really struggled to balance the serious elements (a parent’s passing) with the fun side (goofy camp games and quirky songs) of the story when writing this query. I don’t want the whole novel to come across as a total downer. I’m eager to hear your response to this (final?) draft.
Dear Agent,
The other sunny idiots at YMCA Camp Powell can hold hands and Kum Ba Yah all they want. Kyle Matusik lashed back at his evil Junior Counselor and a tyrant camper. Unleashing his rage was the only way Kyle knew how to deal with the lasting torment of his father’s death. It stunk that he might get booted out, though. He was so close to talking with that gorgeous girl in his field sports class. She seemed lonely too, just like him.
A SCORPION’S NATURE follows an anguished thirteen year old who copes with death by walling himself off from the living. My 55,000 word middle grade novel, set in a quirky summer camp, grew out of twenty years as a YMCA camper, counselor, and director.
The complete manuscript is available upon your request. Thank you for considering my work.
Sincerely,
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Thank you to everyone who has been posting comments. Your responses have been specific, which has been quite helpful. I’ve really struggled to balance the serious elements (a parent’s passing) with the fun side (goofy camp games and quirky songs) of the story when writing this query. I don’t want the whole novel to come across as a total downer. I’m eager to hear your response to this (final?) draft.
Dear Agent,
The other sunny idiots at YMCA Camp Powell can hold hands and Kum Ba Yah all they want. Kyle Matusik lashed back at his evil Junior Counselor and a tyrant camper. Unleashing his rage was the only way Kyle knew how to deal with the lasting torment of his father’s death. It stunk that he might get booted out, though. He was so close to talking with that gorgeous girl in his field sports class. She seemed lonely too, just like him.
A SCORPION’S NATURE follows an anguished thirteen year old who copes with death by walling himself off from the living. My 55,000 word middle grade novel, set in a quirky summer camp, grew out of twenty years as a YMCA camper, counselor, and director.
The complete manuscript is available upon your request. Thank you for considering my work.
Sincerely,
Aug 12, 2009
Query - Treandle
Cyrilla’s sheltered and insecure world seems to finally have purpose when she falls in love with Muerek, a member of the Royal Army. But when his life is threatened, the use of her forbidden magic is the only way to save him, even though it condemns her to a containment camp, locked away from everything she’s ever known. Thrust into a role that forces her to use magic she knows nothing about, her perception of the world around her is forever changed.
Muerek’s pain quickly turns to anger, nearing hatred, for the woman he once loved, but who betrayed him, and he runs from any connection with Cyrilla. Plagued by vivid dreams of lost and scared children, taken from their parents for no other reason than possessing magic, he embarks on a journey that will forever change his life long beliefs.
The Royal Army marches towards Tearnoc, bent on destroying all magic within Treandle, with or without Lord Tearle, who is supposed to keep order within Treandle. Can Cyrilla cope with the pain of losing Muerek and the overwhelming demands of her new role in order to break the containment wall’s spell in Treandle, creating shelter for those the Army wishes to destroy?
Will Muerek be able to forgive Cyrilla and accept her unconditionally, or will the anger push him over the edge and into the depths of hate?
Treandle is a 113,000 page, young adult novel, that will take readers on a journey of lost love, and all the challenges that a position of power and authority pose to one not accustom to anything but farm life. It sets the stage for a war that will determine the real evil within the kingdom of Tribidor, which will continue in subsequent novel(s).
The rest will be personalized for each agent ;o)
Thanks!
Muerek’s pain quickly turns to anger, nearing hatred, for the woman he once loved, but who betrayed him, and he runs from any connection with Cyrilla. Plagued by vivid dreams of lost and scared children, taken from their parents for no other reason than possessing magic, he embarks on a journey that will forever change his life long beliefs.
The Royal Army marches towards Tearnoc, bent on destroying all magic within Treandle, with or without Lord Tearle, who is supposed to keep order within Treandle. Can Cyrilla cope with the pain of losing Muerek and the overwhelming demands of her new role in order to break the containment wall’s spell in Treandle, creating shelter for those the Army wishes to destroy?
Will Muerek be able to forgive Cyrilla and accept her unconditionally, or will the anger push him over the edge and into the depths of hate?
Treandle is a 113,000 page, young adult novel, that will take readers on a journey of lost love, and all the challenges that a position of power and authority pose to one not accustom to anything but farm life. It sets the stage for a war that will determine the real evil within the kingdom of Tribidor, which will continue in subsequent novel(s).
The rest will be personalized for each agent ;o)
Thanks!
Query - Genesis (Revision Three)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the second version.
[If I don't get it close to right this time, I'm gonna pull my hair out!]
Dear Agent:
After a chance encounter with tall-dark-and-handsome, Detective Anna Savage finds her old passions for secrets and mystery start to resurface like wounds reopening to the air. Her wealthy, sexy suitor comes to sweep her off her feet and carry her to a mansion in Paris. It’s not a problem that Pierre DuChamps is a vampire. In fact, that only sweetens the deal. It’s a dream come true for Anna, a dark fairy tale she had only imagined would ever come true.
But he is determined to find a cure for his Thirst. In some way, the solution seems to be in the unborn half-human, half-vampire child of her friend, Maggie LeBlanc. The child is an anomaly, but much more than a science experiment. The birth is imminent, but the baby’s fate is unclear. Are Pierre’s intentions pure or does he have some sinister intent for the child? And her dreams keep warning Anna that Pierre is not what he seems. Does she follow her heart and help the vampire she’s falling for, or trust in her instinct to protect the innocent and lose Pierre forever?
There’s no way for her to know the importance of her choice; that with this birth comes the entire force of Heaven. This child will be a dark Messiah, sent on a Holy mission to release the vampire souls from their perpetual Hell. To the victor goes Salvation, and it all hinges on Anna Savage. The choice she makes will determine not only her own fate, but that of thousands of others.
Genesis is a completed contemporary fantasy novel. Thank you for taking the time to consider my query.
Sincerely,
Tara
[Contact Info]
Click here to read the second version.
[If I don't get it close to right this time, I'm gonna pull my hair out!]
Dear Agent:
After a chance encounter with tall-dark-and-handsome, Detective Anna Savage finds her old passions for secrets and mystery start to resurface like wounds reopening to the air. Her wealthy, sexy suitor comes to sweep her off her feet and carry her to a mansion in Paris. It’s not a problem that Pierre DuChamps is a vampire. In fact, that only sweetens the deal. It’s a dream come true for Anna, a dark fairy tale she had only imagined would ever come true.
But he is determined to find a cure for his Thirst. In some way, the solution seems to be in the unborn half-human, half-vampire child of her friend, Maggie LeBlanc. The child is an anomaly, but much more than a science experiment. The birth is imminent, but the baby’s fate is unclear. Are Pierre’s intentions pure or does he have some sinister intent for the child? And her dreams keep warning Anna that Pierre is not what he seems. Does she follow her heart and help the vampire she’s falling for, or trust in her instinct to protect the innocent and lose Pierre forever?
There’s no way for her to know the importance of her choice; that with this birth comes the entire force of Heaven. This child will be a dark Messiah, sent on a Holy mission to release the vampire souls from their perpetual Hell. To the victor goes Salvation, and it all hinges on Anna Savage. The choice she makes will determine not only her own fate, but that of thousands of others.
Genesis is a completed contemporary fantasy novel. Thank you for taking the time to consider my query.
Sincerely,
Tara
[Contact Info]
BROKEN - OPENING PAGES REVISED 1
Click here to read the query.
A revision of the query has been posted, click here to read it.
Click here to read the original sample page.
Hello everyone! Revised the opening pages of BROKEN based on feedback. Interested in comments of all sorts. Thank you again for your time!
She didn’t notice the blood at first.
Glittering packs of high-heeled twentysomethings shivered past her on their way from one bar to the next, and her head was thick from dollar pitchers with the boys after shift change.
She waved off catcalls from a man across the street who wasn’t shy about telling her how happy he could make her New Year.
“You a cop?” he asked, eyeing her uniform. “‘Cause I’m a bad, bad boy.”
Flashing the badge and writing up a horny drunk for public intoxication would have taken less than ten minutes, but she was off duty and close to the two bedroom apartment she shared with her kid sister, Connie.
The first few riffs of “Come on Eileen” burst through an open door, pummeling dirty snow banks and wobbly patrons who’d stepped outside for a smoke. She couldn’t place the other songs in the air. They were heavy with base and drums. The kind of music that Connie would know.
She didn’t hear a scream.
Connie was probably in one of these bars, wearing the skimpy Max Mara dress she’d borrowed to impress the bartender with the goatee who couldn’t take the night off. Connie could do better than that guy, she thought. Better than most of the guys she’d been dating.
She turned into the alley near the back entrance to their apartment complex. A sodium street lamp on the fritz flashed an orange glow across the dumpsters at unpredictable intervals, and something flickered in the darkness beneath a shadowy mound that resembled a garbage bag.
She didn’t see the blood.
Mrs. Lipinski, the old widow on the third floor, was dropping trash off the back porch again. She swore under her breath, expecting to find the alley littered with spoiled fish and cartons of rancid milk like last time.
She didn’t.
Her footsteps slowed to a halt. Her eyes settled on a high heel shoe poking out of the snow and found the mate flung inches away.
And when the sodium lamp flashed at the shadows again, Madeline Gunn saw the rest. She saw the ground beneath her oil-slicked with her sister’s blood. Blood that still gushed from the places where Connie’s flesh had been ripped down to muscle and bone. She saw the Max Mara dress shredded past her sister’s waist, exposing Connie’s bare, beaten body to the cold and the night.
Mostly, she saw that her sister had been running towards home, Madeline thought. And that she wasn’t there to save her.
Madeline dropped to her knees and cupped her sister’s still warm face in her hands. She stared into the glassy eyes that looked out at nothing and called Connie’s name until she knew that her sister would never reply with a word or a whisper.
Madeline Gunn rose to her feet and unholstered the gun at her waist. Her hands, wet with her sister’s blood, burned in the frozen wind. She stepped into the darkness, and her breath quickened to the ragged pant of an animal poised to kill.
A revision of the query has been posted, click here to read it.
Click here to read the original sample page.
Hello everyone! Revised the opening pages of BROKEN based on feedback. Interested in comments of all sorts. Thank you again for your time!
She didn’t notice the blood at first.
Glittering packs of high-heeled twentysomethings shivered past her on their way from one bar to the next, and her head was thick from dollar pitchers with the boys after shift change.
She waved off catcalls from a man across the street who wasn’t shy about telling her how happy he could make her New Year.
“You a cop?” he asked, eyeing her uniform. “‘Cause I’m a bad, bad boy.”
Flashing the badge and writing up a horny drunk for public intoxication would have taken less than ten minutes, but she was off duty and close to the two bedroom apartment she shared with her kid sister, Connie.
The first few riffs of “Come on Eileen” burst through an open door, pummeling dirty snow banks and wobbly patrons who’d stepped outside for a smoke. She couldn’t place the other songs in the air. They were heavy with base and drums. The kind of music that Connie would know.
She didn’t hear a scream.
Connie was probably in one of these bars, wearing the skimpy Max Mara dress she’d borrowed to impress the bartender with the goatee who couldn’t take the night off. Connie could do better than that guy, she thought. Better than most of the guys she’d been dating.
She turned into the alley near the back entrance to their apartment complex. A sodium street lamp on the fritz flashed an orange glow across the dumpsters at unpredictable intervals, and something flickered in the darkness beneath a shadowy mound that resembled a garbage bag.
She didn’t see the blood.
Mrs. Lipinski, the old widow on the third floor, was dropping trash off the back porch again. She swore under her breath, expecting to find the alley littered with spoiled fish and cartons of rancid milk like last time.
She didn’t.
Her footsteps slowed to a halt. Her eyes settled on a high heel shoe poking out of the snow and found the mate flung inches away.
And when the sodium lamp flashed at the shadows again, Madeline Gunn saw the rest. She saw the ground beneath her oil-slicked with her sister’s blood. Blood that still gushed from the places where Connie’s flesh had been ripped down to muscle and bone. She saw the Max Mara dress shredded past her sister’s waist, exposing Connie’s bare, beaten body to the cold and the night.
Mostly, she saw that her sister had been running towards home, Madeline thought. And that she wasn’t there to save her.
Madeline dropped to her knees and cupped her sister’s still warm face in her hands. She stared into the glassy eyes that looked out at nothing and called Connie’s name until she knew that her sister would never reply with a word or a whisper.
Madeline Gunn rose to her feet and unholstered the gun at her waist. Her hands, wet with her sister’s blood, burned in the frozen wind. She stepped into the darkness, and her breath quickened to the ragged pant of an animal poised to kill.
Aug 11, 2009
QUERY – A SCORPION’S NATURE – REVISION #2
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Agent,
The other sunny idiots at YMCA Camp Powell could hold hands and Kum Ba Yah all they wanted. Thirteen year old Kyle Matusik lashed back at his evil Junior Counselor and a tyrant camper. Unleashing his rage was the only way Kyle knew how to deal with the torment of his father’s suspicious death. It stunk that he might get booted out, though. He was so close to talking with that gorgeous girl in his sports class. She seemed lonely too, just like him.
A SCORPION’S NATURE unfolds in a rollicking summer camp with quirky songs and food so atrocious even the director’s mutt refuses to eat the Cheesy Fish Tarts. My 55,000 word middle grade novel grew out of twenty years as a YMCA camper, counselor, and director.
The complete manuscript is available upon your request. Thank you for considering my work.
Sincerely,
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Agent,
The other sunny idiots at YMCA Camp Powell could hold hands and Kum Ba Yah all they wanted. Thirteen year old Kyle Matusik lashed back at his evil Junior Counselor and a tyrant camper. Unleashing his rage was the only way Kyle knew how to deal with the torment of his father’s suspicious death. It stunk that he might get booted out, though. He was so close to talking with that gorgeous girl in his sports class. She seemed lonely too, just like him.
A SCORPION’S NATURE unfolds in a rollicking summer camp with quirky songs and food so atrocious even the director’s mutt refuses to eat the Cheesy Fish Tarts. My 55,000 word middle grade novel grew out of twenty years as a YMCA camper, counselor, and director.
The complete manuscript is available upon your request. Thank you for considering my work.
Sincerely,
Query - Genesis (Revision One)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent:
“It’s okay to be a little crazy,” she says with a chuckle. Detective Anna Savage is no stranger to sin or violence. But her past motivates her to protect others from the evil she knows is out there; the darkness she has been drawn to her entire life.
After a chance encounter with tall-dark-and-handsome in Pittsburgh, her old passions for secrets and mystery start to resurface like wounds reopening to the air. Then finally her wealthy, sexy suitor comes to sweep her off her feet and carry her to a mansion in the City of Love. It’s not a problem that Pierre DuChamps is a vampire. In fact, that only sweetens the deal. It’s a dream come true for Anna, a dark fairy tale she had only imagined would ever come true. She could really see herself loving him.
But he is determined to find a cure for his Thirst. In some way Anna doesn’t understand, the solution seems to be in an unborn half-human, half-vampire child. It’s an anomaly, but much more than a science experiment to its expecting parents. The birth is imminent, but the baby’s fate is unclear. Are Pierre’s intentions pure or does he have some sinister intent for the child? And her dreams keep warning Anna that Pierre is not what he seems. Does she follow her heart and help the vampire she’s falling for, or trust in her instinct to protect the innocent?
There’s no way for her to know the importance of her choice; that with this child comes the entire force of Heaven. This child will mark the beginning of the journey to save the souls corrupted inside the world’s vampires. To the victor goes Salvation, and it all hinges on Anna Savage.
Genesis is a completed contemporary fantasy novel. Thank you for taking the time to consider my query.
Sincerely,
Tara
[Contact Info]
Dear Agent:
“It’s okay to be a little crazy,” she says with a chuckle. Detective Anna Savage is no stranger to sin or violence. But her past motivates her to protect others from the evil she knows is out there; the darkness she has been drawn to her entire life.
After a chance encounter with tall-dark-and-handsome in Pittsburgh, her old passions for secrets and mystery start to resurface like wounds reopening to the air. Then finally her wealthy, sexy suitor comes to sweep her off her feet and carry her to a mansion in the City of Love. It’s not a problem that Pierre DuChamps is a vampire. In fact, that only sweetens the deal. It’s a dream come true for Anna, a dark fairy tale she had only imagined would ever come true. She could really see herself loving him.
But he is determined to find a cure for his Thirst. In some way Anna doesn’t understand, the solution seems to be in an unborn half-human, half-vampire child. It’s an anomaly, but much more than a science experiment to its expecting parents. The birth is imminent, but the baby’s fate is unclear. Are Pierre’s intentions pure or does he have some sinister intent for the child? And her dreams keep warning Anna that Pierre is not what he seems. Does she follow her heart and help the vampire she’s falling for, or trust in her instinct to protect the innocent?
There’s no way for her to know the importance of her choice; that with this child comes the entire force of Heaven. This child will mark the beginning of the journey to save the souls corrupted inside the world’s vampires. To the victor goes Salvation, and it all hinges on Anna Savage.
Genesis is a completed contemporary fantasy novel. Thank you for taking the time to consider my query.
Sincerely,
Tara
[Contact Info]
The Last Flight- Revision 3
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the second version.
Richard Harper, freelance and highly touted insurance investigator, accepted an offer from the Chief Financial Officer of Global Investments LTD to investigate the largest investment scheme he had ever known. Becoming part of an elaborate cover-up never entered his mind, nor did the idea of his wife Lydia being seduced by Mark Flannary, CEO of Global Investments LTD.
The Division of Enforcement of the Securities and Exchange Commission has been monitoring the irregularities in the hedge funds data base for Global Investments LTD all of 2008. Now in early 2009, Jeff Conklin, special investigator for the SEC, begins to unravel the scheme that may well take the company to financial ruin. Collaborating with Richard Harper, Jeff finds that not all is what it seems to be. Trust, sex, and murder are wrapped tightly in the investigation as Jeff gives due diligence to his case.
I am looking for representation for a completed 85K word crime genre novel. Your agency was recommended as one of the top 50 in the country for longevity and for getting results. Also, Mr. Fry, I noticed when visiting your web site, you have particular interest in crime genre.
Thank you in advance for your time reading my query and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Robert Meacham
Click here to read the second version.
Richard Harper, freelance and highly touted insurance investigator, accepted an offer from the Chief Financial Officer of Global Investments LTD to investigate the largest investment scheme he had ever known. Becoming part of an elaborate cover-up never entered his mind, nor did the idea of his wife Lydia being seduced by Mark Flannary, CEO of Global Investments LTD.
The Division of Enforcement of the Securities and Exchange Commission has been monitoring the irregularities in the hedge funds data base for Global Investments LTD all of 2008. Now in early 2009, Jeff Conklin, special investigator for the SEC, begins to unravel the scheme that may well take the company to financial ruin. Collaborating with Richard Harper, Jeff finds that not all is what it seems to be. Trust, sex, and murder are wrapped tightly in the investigation as Jeff gives due diligence to his case.
I am looking for representation for a completed 85K word crime genre novel. Your agency was recommended as one of the top 50 in the country for longevity and for getting results. Also, Mr. Fry, I noticed when visiting your web site, you have particular interest in crime genre.
Thank you in advance for your time reading my query and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Robert Meacham
Aug 10, 2009
Query - 'History Lessons'
Oxford University freshers* Quinn Foster and Jack Townshend embark on history degrees at St. Swithun’s College expecting the same things as most Oxford freshers; academic rigor, a world-renowned faculty and a lifetime of shameless name dropping. They don’t expect to discover that a celebrated British General threw the American Revolution.
When the respected, brilliant and terrifying Professor Clifton assigns them a joint research project, the two stumble upon the journal of General George Padgett, lead commander of British forces in the American Revolution. A guilt-ridden account of his role in a plot to depose King George III, Padgett’s narrative weaves a tale of ambition and idealism gone awry while turning conventional historical scholarship on its head.
Stunned, Jack and Quinn hunt for further proof of Padgett’s claims before making the journal public. But when Quinn's best friend is brutally attacked within the secure college walls and the journal is stolen from Jack’s room, they realize that exposing Padgett’s tale will have consequences reaching far beyond academia. Someone else knows his story and will stop at nothing to keep it out of history books for good.
Jack and Quinn have a choice – to shut their eyes to a groundbreaking discovery and get on with life or to continue their pursuit of the truth and risk everything that matters.
History Lessons is complete at 78,000 words. I am a 2008 graduate of Oxford University with a B.A. in History. My undergraduate thesis focused upon the events leading up to the American Revolution and an essay I wrote on the same period was published in the 2005 Summer Edition of The Concord Review, a historical journal.
Thanks very much for your time and consideration.
When the respected, brilliant and terrifying Professor Clifton assigns them a joint research project, the two stumble upon the journal of General George Padgett, lead commander of British forces in the American Revolution. A guilt-ridden account of his role in a plot to depose King George III, Padgett’s narrative weaves a tale of ambition and idealism gone awry while turning conventional historical scholarship on its head.
Stunned, Jack and Quinn hunt for further proof of Padgett’s claims before making the journal public. But when Quinn's best friend is brutally attacked within the secure college walls and the journal is stolen from Jack’s room, they realize that exposing Padgett’s tale will have consequences reaching far beyond academia. Someone else knows his story and will stop at nothing to keep it out of history books for good.
Jack and Quinn have a choice – to shut their eyes to a groundbreaking discovery and get on with life or to continue their pursuit of the truth and risk everything that matters.
History Lessons is complete at 78,000 words. I am a 2008 graduate of Oxford University with a B.A. in History. My undergraduate thesis focused upon the events leading up to the American Revolution and an essay I wrote on the same period was published in the 2005 Summer Edition of The Concord Review, a historical journal.
Thanks very much for your time and consideration.
QUERY: NOT HER MOTHER'S FATE
A revision of this query has been posted. Click here to read it.
Not Her Mother’s Fate, a 90,000 word family drama set in Oroville, Ca, between 1978 - 1983, would appeal to women who have either been victims of domestic violence and/or sexual assault, or who have known someone who is a survivor.
Amy Thompson never expected to find a safe haven from her abusive childhood among the burnouts and party crowd when she accepts a friend’s invitation to roommate. With the support of friends, she is able to heal, and when impulsively charming Robert Crane makes his move, she is ready for romance. It doesn’t take long for Robert’s alcoholic nature to manifest, but the couple are pressured by friends, family and church to remain together.
As Robert’s drunkenness escalates into violence, Amy is haunted by flashbacks and nightmares of her childhood, and she’s determined not to end up with her own mother’s deadly fate. Escape is not so easy however, as Amy’s attraction to his best friend - a man who frequently and unwittingly rescues her from the worst of Robert’s failings - becomes a testing ground of friendship, love and loyalty. A final tragedy forces Amy to choose between abandoning both men, or making one last attempt at true love.
Thank you for reviewing my project. Per your submission guidelines, please find below the first five pages of Not Her Mother’s Fate.
Sincerely,
Donna Hole
Not Her Mother’s Fate, a 90,000 word family drama set in Oroville, Ca, between 1978 - 1983, would appeal to women who have either been victims of domestic violence and/or sexual assault, or who have known someone who is a survivor.
Amy Thompson never expected to find a safe haven from her abusive childhood among the burnouts and party crowd when she accepts a friend’s invitation to roommate. With the support of friends, she is able to heal, and when impulsively charming Robert Crane makes his move, she is ready for romance. It doesn’t take long for Robert’s alcoholic nature to manifest, but the couple are pressured by friends, family and church to remain together.
As Robert’s drunkenness escalates into violence, Amy is haunted by flashbacks and nightmares of her childhood, and she’s determined not to end up with her own mother’s deadly fate. Escape is not so easy however, as Amy’s attraction to his best friend - a man who frequently and unwittingly rescues her from the worst of Robert’s failings - becomes a testing ground of friendship, love and loyalty. A final tragedy forces Amy to choose between abandoning both men, or making one last attempt at true love.
Thank you for reviewing my project. Per your submission guidelines, please find below the first five pages of Not Her Mother’s Fate.
Sincerely,
Donna Hole
Critiquing Critiques (Revision 1)
If there are any of you that didn't see my guest post over at Nathan Bransford's blog, here is a re-posting. Don't by shy about clicking over to the original, there are many comments with additional advice, including some good points by regular commentors here (Bane of Anubis, for example had a great follow up comment, so did Tricia O'Brien). For those who did see it, you may notice a few additions in this version...
Critiquing Critiques
Writing a novel is a lonely task. Sure, our characters keep us company, but after numerous readings and revisions they transform into red-headed step-children and we want them to leave us alone. That’s when it’s time to ship them off to boarding school, where they are tested under the critiques of our friends and family. Not all of them graduate.
As writers, we yearn for feedback. Aside from the chosen few who produce flawless prose on the first draft (and can’t ever fathom why the query for their masterpiece was rejected by those ungrateful agents), we understand that hearing the honest opinions of readers is crucial to perfecting our work. However, opening our souls to criticism can be daunting…
Giving a Critique
I recommend the sandwich approach, where you start with a positive point, give an honest opinion of what doesn’t work for you (may be multiple points), and then end with another positive point or words of encouragement. I’ve found that the sandwich approach helps put recipients at ease (especially if they are hungry). It makes people more receptive to constructive criticism and keeps them from getting overly defensive. If you are taking the time to provide the feedback, you should want the person to actually do something with it.
Be careful if you re-write something as an example, especially in a query critique. A short clause or sentence is one thing, but if you start re-writing paragraphs you are providing more than advice – you are providing voice.
Know your audience and respect the forum. If it is public, and you are criticizing the work of someone you don't know, and extra level of professionalism is warranted. Some sites that post work for feedback are dedicated to snark and humor, some blunt force trauma, and some polite but pointed feedback. This particular site fits in the latter-most category.
What Not to Do When Giving a Critique
- Don’t be overly apologetic or you will undermine your own opinions.
- Don’t hunt for things just because you feel you have to suggest something. Sometimes the work we review is really good. However…
- Don’t limit your feedback to praise just because you are afraid to hurt someone’s feelings. Paula Abdul has cornered that market. (NOTE: This position is open again, she's leaving Idol. But remember - there can be only one!)
- Don’t be a ruthless jerk. Simon Cowell has cornered that market.
- Don't get upset if someone doesn't run with your advice. If you say, "Why did you ask me if you weren't going to do what I said?" I will answer: Because I didn't know what your response would be.
Receiving a Critique
Rule # 1: Don’t pout if you hear something negative. Remember that you asked for the feedback in the first place. Don't get defensive and don't argue.
Rule # 2: Wait until all the feedback is in before you seriously contemplate your changes. Depending on the length of the work in question (e.g. a query vs a full manuscript) this may be 24 hours, or it may be several weeks.
Rule # 3: Seriously contemplate your changes. Take time. Work through it. You never microwave a roast. Slow cooking always turns out better. (NOTE: what’s with all the food references?)
Rule # 4: Look for common threads in the feedback and start there. The advice of the many outweighs the advice of the few.
Rule # 5: Re-write. If someone provides a re-write as an example, don’t just copy it. Try to understand why they suggested those changes. Otherwise you may dilute your own voice and you miss the opportunity to learn something.
Rule # 6: Ask for clarification if you don’t understand something. (NOTE: Please remember that this is in regard to critiques, not form rejections. Agents are not critique partners. No matter how much we want them to be.)
Rule #7: Be ready to disregard any feedback that doesn't make sense. Sometimes people will tell you to say something different, but that does not always equate to better. Some people may give ill-advised feedback. If it doesn't make sense and if clarification seems unnecessary, just disregard it.
Rule # 8: Thank the people who took the time to offer their feedback, and pay it forward by offering a critique to someone else.
Critiquing Critiques
Writing a novel is a lonely task. Sure, our characters keep us company, but after numerous readings and revisions they transform into red-headed step-children and we want them to leave us alone. That’s when it’s time to ship them off to boarding school, where they are tested under the critiques of our friends and family. Not all of them graduate.
As writers, we yearn for feedback. Aside from the chosen few who produce flawless prose on the first draft (and can’t ever fathom why the query for their masterpiece was rejected by those ungrateful agents), we understand that hearing the honest opinions of readers is crucial to perfecting our work. However, opening our souls to criticism can be daunting…
Giving a Critique
I recommend the sandwich approach, where you start with a positive point, give an honest opinion of what doesn’t work for you (may be multiple points), and then end with another positive point or words of encouragement. I’ve found that the sandwich approach helps put recipients at ease (especially if they are hungry). It makes people more receptive to constructive criticism and keeps them from getting overly defensive. If you are taking the time to provide the feedback, you should want the person to actually do something with it.
Be careful if you re-write something as an example, especially in a query critique. A short clause or sentence is one thing, but if you start re-writing paragraphs you are providing more than advice – you are providing voice.
Know your audience and respect the forum. If it is public, and you are criticizing the work of someone you don't know, and extra level of professionalism is warranted. Some sites that post work for feedback are dedicated to snark and humor, some blunt force trauma, and some polite but pointed feedback. This particular site fits in the latter-most category.
What Not to Do When Giving a Critique
- Don’t be overly apologetic or you will undermine your own opinions.
- Don’t hunt for things just because you feel you have to suggest something. Sometimes the work we review is really good. However…
- Don’t limit your feedback to praise just because you are afraid to hurt someone’s feelings. Paula Abdul has cornered that market. (NOTE: This position is open again, she's leaving Idol. But remember - there can be only one!)
- Don’t be a ruthless jerk. Simon Cowell has cornered that market.
- Don't get upset if someone doesn't run with your advice. If you say, "Why did you ask me if you weren't going to do what I said?" I will answer: Because I didn't know what your response would be.
Receiving a Critique
Rule # 1: Don’t pout if you hear something negative. Remember that you asked for the feedback in the first place. Don't get defensive and don't argue.
Rule # 2: Wait until all the feedback is in before you seriously contemplate your changes. Depending on the length of the work in question (e.g. a query vs a full manuscript) this may be 24 hours, or it may be several weeks.
Rule # 3: Seriously contemplate your changes. Take time. Work through it. You never microwave a roast. Slow cooking always turns out better. (NOTE: what’s with all the food references?)
Rule # 4: Look for common threads in the feedback and start there. The advice of the many outweighs the advice of the few.
Rule # 5: Re-write. If someone provides a re-write as an example, don’t just copy it. Try to understand why they suggested those changes. Otherwise you may dilute your own voice and you miss the opportunity to learn something.
Rule # 6: Ask for clarification if you don’t understand something. (NOTE: Please remember that this is in regard to critiques, not form rejections. Agents are not critique partners. No matter how much we want them to be.)
Rule #7: Be ready to disregard any feedback that doesn't make sense. Sometimes people will tell you to say something different, but that does not always equate to better. Some people may give ill-advised feedback. If it doesn't make sense and if clarification seems unnecessary, just disregard it.
Rule # 8: Thank the people who took the time to offer their feedback, and pay it forward by offering a critique to someone else.
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