Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Out of Time tells the story of Drew Evans, a police officer in one of St. Paul's worst gang-infested precincts that recovers a device that allows him to travel through time. Presented with an opportunity like no other, Drew learns to control the device and travels back to visit his father, renowned musician Doc Evans. Drew chooses to visit his father in 1947 Chicago just as his father is getting his big break leading the band at the new Jazz Ltd nightclub. Of course things never go as planned—that Murphy guy got it right—and when Drew interferes with a robbery, it causes the Chicago mob to have a newfound interest in the club. Now, caught in the middle, Drew must use his experience with combating gangs to force the Chicago mob away from the club to save his father’s future—while risking the opportunity to connect with his father.
OUT OF TIME, an adventure novel complete at 75,000 words, will appeal to fans of Michael Crichton’s Tmeline and Clive Cussler’s Sahara.
Having written professionally for the last ten years in advertising and marketing, I’ve learned the value of powerful ideas and concise execution.
Thank you for your consideration,
Allan Evans
Jan 14, 2010
Jan 13, 2010
Query- Blind Pig
Blind Pig
The unexpected discovery of a bag of money is just the beginning, as Alan tries to stay one step ahead of a drug dealer, the mob and NYPD. A crime story with a twist - suspense, romance and humor.
Accidentally stumbling onto a drug sale, Alan is forced to kill in self-defense. Fleeing with a satchel of 'appropriated' loot, he battles the drug kingpin who hopes to recoup his loss and the mobster who financed the deal.
All that might have been easy — except that his girl friend is the NYPD detective assigned to make sense of the case, which rather complicates the romance.
I grew up in Colorado and spent the 60s in Greenwich village and Little Italy. Familiarity with the West and friendships with various NYers, savory and otherwise, has allowed me to create authentic characters to populate genuine locales.
I greatly appreciate your time and consideration. The completed manuscript is available on request.
The unexpected discovery of a bag of money is just the beginning, as Alan tries to stay one step ahead of a drug dealer, the mob and NYPD. A crime story with a twist - suspense, romance and humor.
Accidentally stumbling onto a drug sale, Alan is forced to kill in self-defense. Fleeing with a satchel of 'appropriated' loot, he battles the drug kingpin who hopes to recoup his loss and the mobster who financed the deal.
All that might have been easy — except that his girl friend is the NYPD detective assigned to make sense of the case, which rather complicates the romance.
I grew up in Colorado and spent the 60s in Greenwich village and Little Italy. Familiarity with the West and friendships with various NYers, savory and otherwise, has allowed me to create authentic characters to populate genuine locales.
I greatly appreciate your time and consideration. The completed manuscript is available on request.
Query DESOLATION
Dear Secret Agent Man:
I believe you would be interested in my YA urban fantasy DESOLATION, complete at 84,000 words.
It’s time for the devil’s daughter to join the family business of ruining lives and stealing souls, but sixteen-year-old Desolation Black only wants to do good.
Desi knows she’s part demon, but what she doesn’t know is that she’s also part angel. Caught in a power struggle between her father, Luke Black, and his minions, Desi feels destined to bring death and destruction wherever she goes. Until angel and love-of-her-heart Michael shows up to help her remember who she really is.
Reginald Knowles, Luke’s right-hand-man, convinces Desi that she can make a grand gesture for good—a singular act only she can perform that will allow the Fallen Angels to be forgiven. Only after she reads from the Book of Life does Desi realize she’s been tricked and she’s just granted demons the right to possess the bodies of the children of God.
Desi will never be a normal teenage girl. But she can be good—at a cost. With Michael’s help, the balance between heaven and hell could be restored, but the price may be too high for Desi to pay.
DESOLATION is a fast-paced story that mingles the edginess of Wicked Lovely and the vision of Hush, Hush to create it’s own dark love story at the end of the world.
If you would like to consider DESOLATION, I’ll happily forward the complete manuscript to you at your request. An outline for a potential sequel is also available.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Ali Cross
ali@alicross.com
PHONE NUMBER
I believe you would be interested in my YA urban fantasy DESOLATION, complete at 84,000 words.
It’s time for the devil’s daughter to join the family business of ruining lives and stealing souls, but sixteen-year-old Desolation Black only wants to do good.
Desi knows she’s part demon, but what she doesn’t know is that she’s also part angel. Caught in a power struggle between her father, Luke Black, and his minions, Desi feels destined to bring death and destruction wherever she goes. Until angel and love-of-her-heart Michael shows up to help her remember who she really is.
Reginald Knowles, Luke’s right-hand-man, convinces Desi that she can make a grand gesture for good—a singular act only she can perform that will allow the Fallen Angels to be forgiven. Only after she reads from the Book of Life does Desi realize she’s been tricked and she’s just granted demons the right to possess the bodies of the children of God.
Desi will never be a normal teenage girl. But she can be good—at a cost. With Michael’s help, the balance between heaven and hell could be restored, but the price may be too high for Desi to pay.
DESOLATION is a fast-paced story that mingles the edginess of Wicked Lovely and the vision of Hush, Hush to create it’s own dark love story at the end of the world.
If you would like to consider DESOLATION, I’ll happily forward the complete manuscript to you at your request. An outline for a potential sequel is also available.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Ali Cross
ali@alicross.com
PHONE NUMBER
Query: Out of Time (1st revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Drew Evans, a police officer in one of St. Paul's worst gang-infested precincts, is working at the Republican National Convention when he finds himself drawn to a solitary man. Something about the man doesn’t look right. Watching him leave, he spots the glint of metal under the man’s seat, bringing a momentary vision of the Unibomber. No worries though, it’s only a cell phone that Drew pockets, planning to leave it with the lost & found.
Fighting with a burglary suspect the following week, the phone falls from his vest pocket. Recognizing it as the phone from the convention, Drew hits the re-dial button to track down the owner, when a wave of vertigo hits. When he’s able to stand, Drew find that he’s no longer leaning against his squad car; he’s in an alley. Noise draws him out of the alley; there are helicopters circling overhead and cops in full riot gear. It becomes clear that he’s back at the Republican National Convention—which ended a week ago. Stunned, Drew stares at the phone in his hand. Could he really have made a call bringing him to the past? Pressing the end button, the vertigo returns and he’s back leaning against his squad car.
Presented with an opportunity like no other, Drew makes the decision to use the device to travel back to visit his father, renowned musician Doc Evans, who died during Drew’s teenage years. Drew chooses to visit his father in 1947 Chicago at a pivotal time of his father’s life when he becomes a star headlining the Jazz Ltd nightclub. Of course things never go as planned—that Murphy guy got it right—and when Drew interferes with a robbery, it causes the Chicago mob to have a newfound interest in the club. Now, caught in the middle, Drew must use his experience with combating gangs to force the Chicago mob away from the club to save his father’s future—while risking the opportunity to connect with his father.
OUT OF TIME, an adventure novel complete at 75,000 words, will appeal to fans of Michael Crichton and Clive Cussler. This is an adventure story that has time travel, but isn’t science fiction—in the same sort of way The Time Traveler’s Wife wasn’t a science fiction story. Think of it as Mike Hammer meets Chris Hughes (the main character of Timeline).
Having written professionally for the last ten years in advertising and marketing, I’ve learned the value of powerful ideas and concise execution.
Thank you for your consideration,
Allan Evans
Drew Evans, a police officer in one of St. Paul's worst gang-infested precincts, is working at the Republican National Convention when he finds himself drawn to a solitary man. Something about the man doesn’t look right. Watching him leave, he spots the glint of metal under the man’s seat, bringing a momentary vision of the Unibomber. No worries though, it’s only a cell phone that Drew pockets, planning to leave it with the lost & found.
Fighting with a burglary suspect the following week, the phone falls from his vest pocket. Recognizing it as the phone from the convention, Drew hits the re-dial button to track down the owner, when a wave of vertigo hits. When he’s able to stand, Drew find that he’s no longer leaning against his squad car; he’s in an alley. Noise draws him out of the alley; there are helicopters circling overhead and cops in full riot gear. It becomes clear that he’s back at the Republican National Convention—which ended a week ago. Stunned, Drew stares at the phone in his hand. Could he really have made a call bringing him to the past? Pressing the end button, the vertigo returns and he’s back leaning against his squad car.
Presented with an opportunity like no other, Drew makes the decision to use the device to travel back to visit his father, renowned musician Doc Evans, who died during Drew’s teenage years. Drew chooses to visit his father in 1947 Chicago at a pivotal time of his father’s life when he becomes a star headlining the Jazz Ltd nightclub. Of course things never go as planned—that Murphy guy got it right—and when Drew interferes with a robbery, it causes the Chicago mob to have a newfound interest in the club. Now, caught in the middle, Drew must use his experience with combating gangs to force the Chicago mob away from the club to save his father’s future—while risking the opportunity to connect with his father.
OUT OF TIME, an adventure novel complete at 75,000 words, will appeal to fans of Michael Crichton and Clive Cussler. This is an adventure story that has time travel, but isn’t science fiction—in the same sort of way The Time Traveler’s Wife wasn’t a science fiction story. Think of it as Mike Hammer meets Chris Hughes (the main character of Timeline).
Having written professionally for the last ten years in advertising and marketing, I’ve learned the value of powerful ideas and concise execution.
Thank you for your consideration,
Allan Evans
QUERY- CEDARS
Cedars is a 70,000 word character-driven historical novel, in which a twelve-year-old girl has to cope with the loss of her mother and find her own future.
In Ohio and Colorado in the 1880s, Liza has to run her home and tend her younger siblings, then hire out to do the same for another widower's family. At 15, she sets out on her own for Colorado, discovering romance en route. At 16, she becomes a reporter, marries and starts a newspaper. Quite successful in whatever she does, she still feels unfulfilled and gives it all up to live alone in the wilderness. Befriended and taught by the local Indians, she learns how to survive on her own, prosper and eventually blossom into womanhood. Along the way, she rehabilitates a few broken people, helps the Indians deal with the white man's world and discovers who she is and how she has to live her life.
I grew up in Colorado, weaned on tales of hardship and survival, hardrock mining and cattle rustlers, self-sufficiency and courage. A lot of those tales were part of my family's history.
I greatly appreciate your time and consideration. The entire manuscript or portions thereof are available on request.
Sincerely yours,
The author
In Ohio and Colorado in the 1880s, Liza has to run her home and tend her younger siblings, then hire out to do the same for another widower's family. At 15, she sets out on her own for Colorado, discovering romance en route. At 16, she becomes a reporter, marries and starts a newspaper. Quite successful in whatever she does, she still feels unfulfilled and gives it all up to live alone in the wilderness. Befriended and taught by the local Indians, she learns how to survive on her own, prosper and eventually blossom into womanhood. Along the way, she rehabilitates a few broken people, helps the Indians deal with the white man's world and discovers who she is and how she has to live her life.
I grew up in Colorado, weaned on tales of hardship and survival, hardrock mining and cattle rustlers, self-sufficiency and courage. A lot of those tales were part of my family's history.
I greatly appreciate your time and consideration. The entire manuscript or portions thereof are available on request.
Sincerely yours,
The author
Jan 11, 2010
Query: OUT OF TIME
Drew Evans, a sarcastic cop in one of St. Paul's crime ridden neighborhoods, was working at the Republican National Convention (RNC) when … Let’s let him tell you what happened.
“I’ve been called a cold bitter man. Personally, I think I just drink too much lemonade. After dealing with the riots the night before, I needed to be inside or else I would shoot someone. I was working security inside the Excel Center, when I saw him. You know how it is, when you see someone that is a bit off, something about a person just doesn’t look right? I was drawn to him, and after some awkward conversation, he ambles off lost in the crowd. The glint of metal under his seat brings a momentary vision of the Unibomber. No worries, though, it’s only a cell phone. I stash it my vest, forgetting to leave it with the lost & found.
“The following week, I’m in a fight with a burglary suspect. We’re rolling on the ground, trading punches as my backup makes a welcome appearance. The suspect is being hauled off when another cop tosses me a cell phone, thinking it’s mine. I recognize it as the one from the convention last week. I hit the re-dial button to track down the owner, when a wave of vertigo hits me, doubling me over. When I can stand, I find that I’m no longer leaning against my squad car; I’m in an alley. Noise draws me out of the alley and I find myself joining a crowd moving along a city street. There are helicopters circling overhead and cops in full riot gear. Unbelievably, I am back at the RNC—which ended a week ago. I am absolutely stunned. Did I just make a call to the past? If this is a call, I want it to end. Pressing the end button, I find myself back leaning against my squad. I’m back right where—and when—I was before I fell down the rabbit hole. Curiouser and curiouser.”
Presented with an opportunity like no other, Drew makes the decision to use the device to travel back to visit his father who died during Drew’s teenage years. It had been a difficult experience, so for Drew it was a no-brainer. Go back and see his father, renowned musician Doc Evans, right when he got his big break, headlining at the Jazz Ltd nightclub— in1947 Chicago. Of course things never go as planned—that Murphy guy got it right—and when the Chicago mob decides to have an interest in the club, Drew finds himself caught right in the middle.
Out of Time, my 75,000 word adventure novel, will appeal to fans of Michael Crichton. His novels have taught me that strong characters, tight plotting and page turning action are important ingredients to a successful novel. This is a time travel adventure that’s not a science fiction story.
Having written professionally for the last ten years in advertising and marketing, I’ve learned the value of powerful ideas and concise execution.
Thank you for your consideration,
Allan Evans
“I’ve been called a cold bitter man. Personally, I think I just drink too much lemonade. After dealing with the riots the night before, I needed to be inside or else I would shoot someone. I was working security inside the Excel Center, when I saw him. You know how it is, when you see someone that is a bit off, something about a person just doesn’t look right? I was drawn to him, and after some awkward conversation, he ambles off lost in the crowd. The glint of metal under his seat brings a momentary vision of the Unibomber. No worries, though, it’s only a cell phone. I stash it my vest, forgetting to leave it with the lost & found.
“The following week, I’m in a fight with a burglary suspect. We’re rolling on the ground, trading punches as my backup makes a welcome appearance. The suspect is being hauled off when another cop tosses me a cell phone, thinking it’s mine. I recognize it as the one from the convention last week. I hit the re-dial button to track down the owner, when a wave of vertigo hits me, doubling me over. When I can stand, I find that I’m no longer leaning against my squad car; I’m in an alley. Noise draws me out of the alley and I find myself joining a crowd moving along a city street. There are helicopters circling overhead and cops in full riot gear. Unbelievably, I am back at the RNC—which ended a week ago. I am absolutely stunned. Did I just make a call to the past? If this is a call, I want it to end. Pressing the end button, I find myself back leaning against my squad. I’m back right where—and when—I was before I fell down the rabbit hole. Curiouser and curiouser.”
Presented with an opportunity like no other, Drew makes the decision to use the device to travel back to visit his father who died during Drew’s teenage years. It had been a difficult experience, so for Drew it was a no-brainer. Go back and see his father, renowned musician Doc Evans, right when he got his big break, headlining at the Jazz Ltd nightclub— in1947 Chicago. Of course things never go as planned—that Murphy guy got it right—and when the Chicago mob decides to have an interest in the club, Drew finds himself caught right in the middle.
Out of Time, my 75,000 word adventure novel, will appeal to fans of Michael Crichton. His novels have taught me that strong characters, tight plotting and page turning action are important ingredients to a successful novel. This is a time travel adventure that’s not a science fiction story.
Having written professionally for the last ten years in advertising and marketing, I’ve learned the value of powerful ideas and concise execution.
Thank you for your consideration,
Allan Evans
Jan 9, 2010
QUERY- THE UNCOMMON ONE (third revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision
Click here to read the sample pages.
I've taken everyone's comments into consideration (and read a lot of the Query Shark). I hope this one does the trick. I'm ready for your worst!
Dear [Agent Name]
When Sarah Daugherty is grabbed and knocked unconscious in the parking garage of her work, she wakes up in the safety of her car unaware of how she got there. The next day she agrees to a night out with a friend just so she won’t be alone.
Sarah catches the bartender, John Pennington, staring at her and she becomes nervous. When her ex-husband shows up unexpectedly and interrupts her evening, John comes to her aid and intervenes. He impresses her with his kindness and looks good to boot, looking perfect in every way. She boldly asks him out.
What Sarah doesn’t know is that John is a vampire.
Since the night he saved her from the serial killer, John is drawn to her so he agrees to the date. Then he discovers he can’t wipe her mind and breaks it off. She tries to convince him to reconsider and he gives the only excuse he can think of: he’s allergic to the sun.
When Sarah admits defeat and leaves, John feels incomplete without her and decides she’s worth the risk. However, someone isn’t happy they are dating and expresses their opinion in a malicious way.
Sarah’s car is vandalized, her apartment is trashed, and she suspects someone is following her. John suspects it may be Maddie, a friend of his, and he feels guilty.
When Maddie reveals to Sarah that John is a vampire and proves it, her world is shaken. Sarah runs away. However, her life is miserable without him and she comes back. Since her return, there are two attempts to kidnap her. John is determined to find the perpetrator before she is taken away from him forever.
THE UNCOMMON ONE is a paranormal romance novel complete at 109,000 words. I am a member of Romance Writers of America. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Stacy McKitrick
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision
Click here to read the sample pages.
I've taken everyone's comments into consideration (and read a lot of the Query Shark). I hope this one does the trick. I'm ready for your worst!
Dear [Agent Name]
When Sarah Daugherty is grabbed and knocked unconscious in the parking garage of her work, she wakes up in the safety of her car unaware of how she got there. The next day she agrees to a night out with a friend just so she won’t be alone.
Sarah catches the bartender, John Pennington, staring at her and she becomes nervous. When her ex-husband shows up unexpectedly and interrupts her evening, John comes to her aid and intervenes. He impresses her with his kindness and looks good to boot, looking perfect in every way. She boldly asks him out.
What Sarah doesn’t know is that John is a vampire.
Since the night he saved her from the serial killer, John is drawn to her so he agrees to the date. Then he discovers he can’t wipe her mind and breaks it off. She tries to convince him to reconsider and he gives the only excuse he can think of: he’s allergic to the sun.
When Sarah admits defeat and leaves, John feels incomplete without her and decides she’s worth the risk. However, someone isn’t happy they are dating and expresses their opinion in a malicious way.
Sarah’s car is vandalized, her apartment is trashed, and she suspects someone is following her. John suspects it may be Maddie, a friend of his, and he feels guilty.
When Maddie reveals to Sarah that John is a vampire and proves it, her world is shaken. Sarah runs away. However, her life is miserable without him and she comes back. Since her return, there are two attempts to kidnap her. John is determined to find the perpetrator before she is taken away from him forever.
THE UNCOMMON ONE is a paranormal romance novel complete at 109,000 words. I am a member of Romance Writers of America. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Stacy McKitrick
Jan 5, 2010
Query - Fallen Knight (2nd Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Ms. Agent,
My 105,000 word mystery/suspense novel, FALLEN KNIGHT, fits the material you’re in search of. Think of it in the mold of The Bowery Boys versus Professor Moriarty.
On the eve of 2011, a twisted mind is intent on replicating the largest bio-terrorism act in US history. How ironic that the only thing standing in his way is a group of aging friends who still revere the Quest for the Holy Grail.
Lee Hamilton is a middle-aged human resource manager for a manufacturing plant located in the Deep South. Aside from being recently re-married, the only thing keeping him from slipping into a mind-numbing normalcy is his occasional rendezvous with the knights. One of six college buddies, who in their mischievous heyday were labeled ‘The Knights Who Say Ni’ for their love of all things Monty Python, Lee has come to treasure his re-kindled friendship with the tight-knit group. Then tragedy strikes.
A call from Dianne Williams, the manager of the detective agency where one of the knights works, informs Lee that somebody has savagely beaten their friend into a coma. Furthermore, a mysterious illness has suddenly befallen the majority of the investigators at her agency. Lee rallies the rest of the knights to help Dianne search for the assailant, which points in the direction of one of the fallen knights previous investigations. The pursuit leads to a student responsible for a lethal high school shooting sixty miles outside the nation’s capital. Though the boy committed suicide following his rampage, the group discovers the authorities have been suppressing facts about the young shooter, including a note hinting at an ominous on-going threat. Utilizing sometimes questionable (aka illegal) methods, Dianne and the knights link a cryptic series of numbers to the boy and several other crimes, pulling the covers back on a plot more ambitious than anybody had previously imagined.
In over their heads and scrambling to avoid arrest, the boundaries of the knight’s friendship become tested. But the nickname so casually bestowed on the band many years ago, becomes prophetic as they personify the grand chivalrous behavior the title of knight once proudly stood for. And if they fail, a lethal biological agent will be unleashed on the streets of Washington DC.
Thank you, Ms. Agent, for your consideration of this query. At your request, I will be happy to send along the complete manuscript.
Sincerely,
DL Hammons
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Ms. Agent,
My 105,000 word mystery/suspense novel, FALLEN KNIGHT, fits the material you’re in search of. Think of it in the mold of The Bowery Boys versus Professor Moriarty.
On the eve of 2011, a twisted mind is intent on replicating the largest bio-terrorism act in US history. How ironic that the only thing standing in his way is a group of aging friends who still revere the Quest for the Holy Grail.
Lee Hamilton is a middle-aged human resource manager for a manufacturing plant located in the Deep South. Aside from being recently re-married, the only thing keeping him from slipping into a mind-numbing normalcy is his occasional rendezvous with the knights. One of six college buddies, who in their mischievous heyday were labeled ‘The Knights Who Say Ni’ for their love of all things Monty Python, Lee has come to treasure his re-kindled friendship with the tight-knit group. Then tragedy strikes.
A call from Dianne Williams, the manager of the detective agency where one of the knights works, informs Lee that somebody has savagely beaten their friend into a coma. Furthermore, a mysterious illness has suddenly befallen the majority of the investigators at her agency. Lee rallies the rest of the knights to help Dianne search for the assailant, which points in the direction of one of the fallen knights previous investigations. The pursuit leads to a student responsible for a lethal high school shooting sixty miles outside the nation’s capital. Though the boy committed suicide following his rampage, the group discovers the authorities have been suppressing facts about the young shooter, including a note hinting at an ominous on-going threat. Utilizing sometimes questionable (aka illegal) methods, Dianne and the knights link a cryptic series of numbers to the boy and several other crimes, pulling the covers back on a plot more ambitious than anybody had previously imagined.
In over their heads and scrambling to avoid arrest, the boundaries of the knight’s friendship become tested. But the nickname so casually bestowed on the band many years ago, becomes prophetic as they personify the grand chivalrous behavior the title of knight once proudly stood for. And if they fail, a lethal biological agent will be unleashed on the streets of Washington DC.
Thank you, Ms. Agent, for your consideration of this query. At your request, I will be happy to send along the complete manuscript.
Sincerely,
DL Hammons
Jan 4, 2010
QUERY-WITHOUT HER
Dear Agent,
I am seeking representation for my 77,000-word young adult novel, Without Her.
After her older sister commits suicide, sixteen-year-old Lana Lindval, stuck in a desolate North Dakota oil town, struggles to rebuild her life. Her sister Skye was unreliable, emotional, and sometimes even cruel, but she always protected Lana. Now Lana has to forge her own way, and the fact that she’s alienated her old friends doesn’t make it any easier.
The only one willing to put up with Lana now is her born-again cousin Britta, and even Britta has an agenda. Britta wants Lana to become a model Christian, but Lana is more interested in Tucker Stevens, a new boy with a smart mouth and a rebellious streak. Britta thinks he’s dangerous, but Lana is sure she’s wrong. Tucker’s example gives Lana the courage to act on her desperate need to get away from Burnt Earth. But her mother, who has grown overprotective since Skye’s death, resists all her plans to gain more independence—including her friendship with Tucker.
Her mother’s disapproval drives Lana to spend even more time with Tucker, who understands how trapped she feels. He may not be completely open about his past—or his love life—but he really listens to her, and Lana is more and more convinced that she’s the one who’s right about Tucker. But when a stupid idea turns into a trip to jail, Lana catches Tucker in a big lie. Maybe Britta and her mother were right all along.
Thank you for considering Without Her. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
I am seeking representation for my 77,000-word young adult novel, Without Her.
After her older sister commits suicide, sixteen-year-old Lana Lindval, stuck in a desolate North Dakota oil town, struggles to rebuild her life. Her sister Skye was unreliable, emotional, and sometimes even cruel, but she always protected Lana. Now Lana has to forge her own way, and the fact that she’s alienated her old friends doesn’t make it any easier.
The only one willing to put up with Lana now is her born-again cousin Britta, and even Britta has an agenda. Britta wants Lana to become a model Christian, but Lana is more interested in Tucker Stevens, a new boy with a smart mouth and a rebellious streak. Britta thinks he’s dangerous, but Lana is sure she’s wrong. Tucker’s example gives Lana the courage to act on her desperate need to get away from Burnt Earth. But her mother, who has grown overprotective since Skye’s death, resists all her plans to gain more independence—including her friendship with Tucker.
Her mother’s disapproval drives Lana to spend even more time with Tucker, who understands how trapped she feels. He may not be completely open about his past—or his love life—but he really listens to her, and Lana is more and more convinced that she’s the one who’s right about Tucker. But when a stupid idea turns into a trip to jail, Lana catches Tucker in a big lie. Maybe Britta and her mother were right all along.
Thank you for considering Without Her. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Jan 2, 2010
Query: The Rough on the Diamond
Dear Agent,
The Rough on the Diamond takes game of baseball where it's never been before: the barren plains of West Africa.
Blake Portis is an ex-backup catcher who has failed as a ballplayer, a broadcaster, a coach and a human being. All he has to show for his years in the major leagues is enough money to buy anything he could ever want and not a single thing he truly needs. Fed up with the game that turned its back on him and on the verge of a personal breakdown, Portis gets one last chance through a job as a scout in the baseball wasteland of Africa.
Portis soon realizes prospects are nowhere to be found and plans to give up, but a chance encounter takes Blake to the small nation of Senegal, where a peculiar doctor has started a baseball program out of the dust. What he finds in Senegal – young boys with a passion for the game and true, unadulterated talent – makes Blake remember why he loved baseball in the first place. In partnership with the doctor, Portis helps guide the baseball program toward its ultimate goal: an African-born player in the major leagues. Along the way, Blake Portis finds love, hope and, ultimately, his own salvation in the land of the griot storytellers.
For over 10 years I worked as an editor, reporter and sportswriter at newspapers and magazines of all sizes across the Midwest, winning numerous writing awards from the press associations of Missouri, Kansas and Arkansas.
The Rough on the Diamond is complete at 80,000 words. Thank you in advance for considering it. May I send you a synopsis, sample chapters or the full manuscript?
Sincerely,
Matt Kelsey
The Rough on the Diamond takes game of baseball where it's never been before: the barren plains of West Africa.
Blake Portis is an ex-backup catcher who has failed as a ballplayer, a broadcaster, a coach and a human being. All he has to show for his years in the major leagues is enough money to buy anything he could ever want and not a single thing he truly needs. Fed up with the game that turned its back on him and on the verge of a personal breakdown, Portis gets one last chance through a job as a scout in the baseball wasteland of Africa.
Portis soon realizes prospects are nowhere to be found and plans to give up, but a chance encounter takes Blake to the small nation of Senegal, where a peculiar doctor has started a baseball program out of the dust. What he finds in Senegal – young boys with a passion for the game and true, unadulterated talent – makes Blake remember why he loved baseball in the first place. In partnership with the doctor, Portis helps guide the baseball program toward its ultimate goal: an African-born player in the major leagues. Along the way, Blake Portis finds love, hope and, ultimately, his own salvation in the land of the griot storytellers.
For over 10 years I worked as an editor, reporter and sportswriter at newspapers and magazines of all sizes across the Midwest, winning numerous writing awards from the press associations of Missouri, Kansas and Arkansas.
The Rough on the Diamond is complete at 80,000 words. Thank you in advance for considering it. May I send you a synopsis, sample chapters or the full manuscript?
Sincerely,
Matt Kelsey
QUERY - SECOND SIGHT
Seven years ago,a frightened five year old escaped from his kidnapper, hid in the woods for days, and finally surrended to the Hawthorns who found him scavaging from their cafe trash cans. He's known as MICK HAWTHORN today and the most frightening thing that's happened to him lately is kissing JULIE RAINWATER at a summer Band picnic.Then the nightmares begin.
A new preacher has come to Jasper, Arkansas, population 500. As his generic prayer for a safe sports season rolls over the students at the first school pep rally, Mick is shocked to recognize the voice he feared as a child. But PASTOR RICHTER is charismatic and the community flocks to join his congregation.
Mick confronts Richter, who laughs and tells him that no one will ever believe his story. When Julie and some of the other girls begin attending extra study sessions at the church and plan a trip with Richter to present a play at other churches in St Louis, Mick knows that the man has chosen his new victims.
Mick joins the drama group, persuading Richter that he holds no grudges for his mistreatment. During a storm, the students are abandoned at a cabin on the way to Missouri. Waking from a drugged sleep, Mick forces Richter into releasing two of the girls, but nearly loses Julie as the preacher attempts to drive away.
The final solution to stopping Richter is up to Mick. Even though he is smaller, he attacks the man, drives him into the woods, and contacts the authorities. Sometimes even a boy has to summon the force within himself to be the hero.
Second Sight is a 40,000 word novel for middle grades.
A new preacher has come to Jasper, Arkansas, population 500. As his generic prayer for a safe sports season rolls over the students at the first school pep rally, Mick is shocked to recognize the voice he feared as a child. But PASTOR RICHTER is charismatic and the community flocks to join his congregation.
Mick confronts Richter, who laughs and tells him that no one will ever believe his story. When Julie and some of the other girls begin attending extra study sessions at the church and plan a trip with Richter to present a play at other churches in St Louis, Mick knows that the man has chosen his new victims.
Mick joins the drama group, persuading Richter that he holds no grudges for his mistreatment. During a storm, the students are abandoned at a cabin on the way to Missouri. Waking from a drugged sleep, Mick forces Richter into releasing two of the girls, but nearly loses Julie as the preacher attempts to drive away.
The final solution to stopping Richter is up to Mick. Even though he is smaller, he attacks the man, drives him into the woods, and contacts the authorities. Sometimes even a boy has to summon the force within himself to be the hero.
Second Sight is a 40,000 word novel for middle grades.
Dec 26, 2009
QUERY - THE GATEWAY
When people dream, this does not happen in their head. Their mind projects to the Other World and they experience dreams. Their connection is tenuous and fleeting. Jordan Quinn’s is not.
When Jordan is visiting a friend in South Korea he is attacked by a mysterious woman, put to sleep and imprisoned in the Other World.
After he begins to hear voices telling him to save a little Russian girl, he finds hope that he can wake. But matters are complicated when he is kidnapped by Nnekara, a deadly African woman with the power to animate and control shadows. Nnekara has also been put to sleep by the woman, but with the intent of keeping Jordan occupied and out of the way while the dream world is being merged with reality.
Jordan finds that as things change, and the merger nears completion, the woman gets closer to releasing a group of long-forgotten gods, the Dreamwalkers, to usher in the extinction of the human race.
Jordan must gain mastery over his power as the gateway between the worlds and race to save the young Russian girl from dying if he has any hope of thwarting the woman's plans or waking again.
With a basis in real world mythologies, THE GATEWAY – a young adult fantasy complete at 73,000 words – explores a new world by recreating and redefining what we all experience as dreams.
I have a degree in Russian studies and have lived in both Russia and South Korea. Together, my education, travels and understanding of other cultures play a huge part in the unfolding tale, as the world we know ceases to exist and we find people across the globe – each with their own unique abilities – coming together and choosing sides.
THE GATEWAY is a standalone novel, but the first in a planned series. If you are interested, I would love to send the full manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.
When Jordan is visiting a friend in South Korea he is attacked by a mysterious woman, put to sleep and imprisoned in the Other World.
After he begins to hear voices telling him to save a little Russian girl, he finds hope that he can wake. But matters are complicated when he is kidnapped by Nnekara, a deadly African woman with the power to animate and control shadows. Nnekara has also been put to sleep by the woman, but with the intent of keeping Jordan occupied and out of the way while the dream world is being merged with reality.
Jordan finds that as things change, and the merger nears completion, the woman gets closer to releasing a group of long-forgotten gods, the Dreamwalkers, to usher in the extinction of the human race.
Jordan must gain mastery over his power as the gateway between the worlds and race to save the young Russian girl from dying if he has any hope of thwarting the woman's plans or waking again.
With a basis in real world mythologies, THE GATEWAY – a young adult fantasy complete at 73,000 words – explores a new world by recreating and redefining what we all experience as dreams.
I have a degree in Russian studies and have lived in both Russia and South Korea. Together, my education, travels and understanding of other cultures play a huge part in the unfolding tale, as the world we know ceases to exist and we find people across the globe – each with their own unique abilities – coming together and choosing sides.
THE GATEWAY is a standalone novel, but the first in a planned series. If you are interested, I would love to send the full manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Dec 23, 2009
Query - Fallen Knight (1st Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Ms. Agent,
My 105,000 word mystery/thriller, FALLEN KNIGHT, fits the mold of material you’re in search of and I’m excited at the possibility of you representing me.
In 1984, the largest bioterrorism attack documented in US history took place in the Pacific Northwest. More than 750 residents were sickened in this barely publicized incident, fortunately there were no fatalities. But somebody did take notice and now believes they can do better. When Lee Hamilton answers an early morning call asking for help tracking down the person responsible for a vicious attack of a close friend, little does he realize that he’ll come face to face with the individual determined to make that event happen.
Lee is a middle-aged human resource manager from a small southern town. He’s also one of six college friends who in their hey-day were labeled ‘The Knights Who Say Ni’. Lee’s troubles begin when he rallies the other knights to assist Dianne Williams, the manager of the detective agency where their stricken friend works, to search for the assailant. The trail leads them to a six-month old deadly high school shooting sixty miles outside the nation’s capital. There they discover the authorities have been suppressing facts about the young shooter, like a note found on his body hinting of plans to cause further misery. Although the knight’s methods are unconventional, when a cryptic series of numbers link several other crimes to the boy, it pulls the covers back on an unbelievable plot.
In over their heads with the boundaries of the knight’s friendship tested, they must scramble to avoid arrest by a suspicious police detective and the FBI. Racing to unravel the scheme before it’s too late; ironically they come to personify the grand chivalrous behavior their nick-name once proudly stood for. At stake if they fail, the unleashing of a lethal biological agent on the streets of Washington DC.
Thank you, Ms. Agent, for your consideration of this query. At your request, I will be happy to send along the complete manuscript.
Sincerely,
DL Hammons
Dear Ms. Agent,
My 105,000 word mystery/thriller, FALLEN KNIGHT, fits the mold of material you’re in search of and I’m excited at the possibility of you representing me.
In 1984, the largest bioterrorism attack documented in US history took place in the Pacific Northwest. More than 750 residents were sickened in this barely publicized incident, fortunately there were no fatalities. But somebody did take notice and now believes they can do better. When Lee Hamilton answers an early morning call asking for help tracking down the person responsible for a vicious attack of a close friend, little does he realize that he’ll come face to face with the individual determined to make that event happen.
Lee is a middle-aged human resource manager from a small southern town. He’s also one of six college friends who in their hey-day were labeled ‘The Knights Who Say Ni’. Lee’s troubles begin when he rallies the other knights to assist Dianne Williams, the manager of the detective agency where their stricken friend works, to search for the assailant. The trail leads them to a six-month old deadly high school shooting sixty miles outside the nation’s capital. There they discover the authorities have been suppressing facts about the young shooter, like a note found on his body hinting of plans to cause further misery. Although the knight’s methods are unconventional, when a cryptic series of numbers link several other crimes to the boy, it pulls the covers back on an unbelievable plot.
In over their heads with the boundaries of the knight’s friendship tested, they must scramble to avoid arrest by a suspicious police detective and the FBI. Racing to unravel the scheme before it’s too late; ironically they come to personify the grand chivalrous behavior their nick-name once proudly stood for. At stake if they fail, the unleashing of a lethal biological agent on the streets of Washington DC.
Thank you, Ms. Agent, for your consideration of this query. At your request, I will be happy to send along the complete manuscript.
Sincerely,
DL Hammons
Dec 21, 2009
Query - Fallen Knight
Dear Ms. Agent,
My research led me to your agencies web-site and your particular interest in mystery/thrillers. I believe my 105,000 word novel, FALLEN KNIGHT, fits the mold of material you’re in search of and hope you consider representing me. If successful, I envision the characters from my novel evolving into a series.
In 1984, the largest bioterrorism attack documented in US history took place in Dalles, Oregon. More than 750 individuals were sickened, but luckily there were no fatalities.
Now, somebody thinks they can do better. When Lee Hamilton answers an early morning call asking for help tracking down the person responsible for a viscous attack of a close friend, little does he realize that it will put him on a collision course with the person determined to make just that event happen.
Lee is just a middle-aged human resource manager from a small southern town, but he’s also a knight. One of six college friends who in their hey-day were labeled ‘The Knights Who Say Ni’, Lee’s troubles begin when he rallies the other knights to assist Dianne Williams, the manager of the detective agency where their stricken friend works, to search for the assailant. The trail of clues leads them to a six-month old deadly high school shooting sixty miles outside the nation’s capital and a cryptic suicide note that brags I’m not finished yet. Although the knight’s method of solving jigsaw puzzles are unconventional, when the pieces do start coming together it pulls the covers back on an unbelievable pattern of crimes.
In over their heads with the boundaries of the knight’s friendship tested, they must scramble to avoid arrest by a suspicious police detective and the FBI. The rag-tag group seeks to unravel a sinister plot as they race the clock. At stake if they fail, the unleashing of a bio-terrorism attack on the streets of Washington DC.
From an agoraphobic taxi-driver, to a love-sick high school student forced to hide a terrible secret, even the secondary characters in FALLEN KNIGHT are memorable. Thank you, Ms. Agent, for your consideration of this query. At your request, I will be happy to send along the complete manuscript.
Sincerely,
DL Hammons
My research led me to your agencies web-site and your particular interest in mystery/thrillers. I believe my 105,000 word novel, FALLEN KNIGHT, fits the mold of material you’re in search of and hope you consider representing me. If successful, I envision the characters from my novel evolving into a series.
In 1984, the largest bioterrorism attack documented in US history took place in Dalles, Oregon. More than 750 individuals were sickened, but luckily there were no fatalities.
Now, somebody thinks they can do better. When Lee Hamilton answers an early morning call asking for help tracking down the person responsible for a viscous attack of a close friend, little does he realize that it will put him on a collision course with the person determined to make just that event happen.
Lee is just a middle-aged human resource manager from a small southern town, but he’s also a knight. One of six college friends who in their hey-day were labeled ‘The Knights Who Say Ni’, Lee’s troubles begin when he rallies the other knights to assist Dianne Williams, the manager of the detective agency where their stricken friend works, to search for the assailant. The trail of clues leads them to a six-month old deadly high school shooting sixty miles outside the nation’s capital and a cryptic suicide note that brags I’m not finished yet. Although the knight’s method of solving jigsaw puzzles are unconventional, when the pieces do start coming together it pulls the covers back on an unbelievable pattern of crimes.
In over their heads with the boundaries of the knight’s friendship tested, they must scramble to avoid arrest by a suspicious police detective and the FBI. The rag-tag group seeks to unravel a sinister plot as they race the clock. At stake if they fail, the unleashing of a bio-terrorism attack on the streets of Washington DC.
From an agoraphobic taxi-driver, to a love-sick high school student forced to hide a terrible secret, even the secondary characters in FALLEN KNIGHT are memorable. Thank you, Ms. Agent, for your consideration of this query. At your request, I will be happy to send along the complete manuscript.
Sincerely,
DL Hammons
QUERY - INTELLIGENT DESIGN REVISION 1 (original posted Oct 31, 2009)
Click here to read the original query.
Detective Inspector Lane has less than a week to prove three recent deaths were not the work of a serial killer. All three died in a similar way after falling from buildings and all three died on a Sunday.
Coincidence? Or is there a vicious killer on the loose in London with a liking for high places and an aversion to Sundays?
David, a journalist for the London Evening People, thinks the story makes good copy and he has piqued public interest with a series of articles designed to convince his readers there is more to the deaths than just coincidence.
All the press interest is proving much more difficult for DI Lane to deal with than the investigation itself. The Chief Inspector has given her until Sunday to prove the deaths were nothing more than accidents and quell the rising public hysteria. But when a witness also dies in mysterious circumstances, it seems there is very little DI Lane can do to convince the public a serial killer is not stalking the streets of London.
And now, she too is having her doubts.
Intelligent Design is a completed 95,000 word crime novel set in contemporary London.
Detective Inspector Lane has less than a week to prove three recent deaths were not the work of a serial killer. All three died in a similar way after falling from buildings and all three died on a Sunday.
Coincidence? Or is there a vicious killer on the loose in London with a liking for high places and an aversion to Sundays?
David, a journalist for the London Evening People, thinks the story makes good copy and he has piqued public interest with a series of articles designed to convince his readers there is more to the deaths than just coincidence.
All the press interest is proving much more difficult for DI Lane to deal with than the investigation itself. The Chief Inspector has given her until Sunday to prove the deaths were nothing more than accidents and quell the rising public hysteria. But when a witness also dies in mysterious circumstances, it seems there is very little DI Lane can do to convince the public a serial killer is not stalking the streets of London.
And now, she too is having her doubts.
Intelligent Design is a completed 95,000 word crime novel set in contemporary London.
Dec 19, 2009
QUERY - THE UNCOMMON ONE (2nd revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the sample pages.
Okay - after much thought and re-writes, I hope I came up with something that doesn't sound like TWILIGHT.
Dear [Agent Name]
Like all vampires, John Pennington can slip into the minds of mortals and control their thoughts and actions. Touch their skin and he can read their thoughts or bring the ones he wants to the surface, and his saliva can heal the marks his teeth leave behind after he feeds on them. But unlike most vampires, when John sees a mortal in trouble, he will step in and help any way he can as long as it doesn’t reveal his true identity.
So he doesn’t do anything different on the night he finds an unconscious woman being tossed into a trunk by a serial killer. It’s not until he places the still unconscious woman in her car that he discovers a scent so enticing it draws him closer to her and when he touches her skin, he feels a rush of warmth he never thought possible. He’s intrigued, but vampires don’t involve themselves with humans and he leaves her, without any knowledge of him or his deed.
Sarah Daugherty has survived an abusive ex-husband and is on her own for the first time. When she wakes in her car with vague memories of being abducted, she’s terrified, and the following night takes up an offer to go out after work. Only looking for company, what she finds instead is a sexy bartender named John. So what if he’s allergic to the sun. So what if he’s on a special liquid diet. His touch causes her heart to race and sets her body on fire. She convinces him to give dating a chance.
John finds himself falling in love with Sarah and it’s with all his inner strength to keep their relationship platonic, for he made a promise to himself that he wouldn’t make love to her until she knew the truth. But the fear of losing her forever becomes too much of a risk for him to take and he keeps putting off what he knows in his heart he must do.
THE UNCOMMON ONE is a paranormal romance of 109,000 words. The complete manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Stacy McKitrick
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the sample pages.
Okay - after much thought and re-writes, I hope I came up with something that doesn't sound like TWILIGHT.
Dear [Agent Name]
Like all vampires, John Pennington can slip into the minds of mortals and control their thoughts and actions. Touch their skin and he can read their thoughts or bring the ones he wants to the surface, and his saliva can heal the marks his teeth leave behind after he feeds on them. But unlike most vampires, when John sees a mortal in trouble, he will step in and help any way he can as long as it doesn’t reveal his true identity.
So he doesn’t do anything different on the night he finds an unconscious woman being tossed into a trunk by a serial killer. It’s not until he places the still unconscious woman in her car that he discovers a scent so enticing it draws him closer to her and when he touches her skin, he feels a rush of warmth he never thought possible. He’s intrigued, but vampires don’t involve themselves with humans and he leaves her, without any knowledge of him or his deed.
Sarah Daugherty has survived an abusive ex-husband and is on her own for the first time. When she wakes in her car with vague memories of being abducted, she’s terrified, and the following night takes up an offer to go out after work. Only looking for company, what she finds instead is a sexy bartender named John. So what if he’s allergic to the sun. So what if he’s on a special liquid diet. His touch causes her heart to race and sets her body on fire. She convinces him to give dating a chance.
John finds himself falling in love with Sarah and it’s with all his inner strength to keep their relationship platonic, for he made a promise to himself that he wouldn’t make love to her until she knew the truth. But the fear of losing her forever becomes too much of a risk for him to take and he keeps putting off what he knows in his heart he must do.
THE UNCOMMON ONE is a paranormal romance of 109,000 words. The complete manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Stacy McKitrick
Dec 16, 2009
REVISED QUERY- ALONG THE BEACH
Thanks so much for the earlier round of feedback. Here's the revised version. Does it hit the mark? Gary
A horde of killer bees in Borneo. An armed robbery in Los Angeles. A deadly riptide off the Pacific. Malaria in East Africa. A vision of a lady in white guiding him to safety each time. For travel photographer Lee Merrick, the extraordinary is the ordinary.
As the mysterious lady’s ethereal hands guide Lee’s at the piano to play a Chopin prelude he never knew, he wonders about the prophecy from his youth that foretells he will someday meet “Her” along the beach. But his mother, who has kept the secret of her own dark prophecy, is compelled to sabotage his pursuit at all costs—even if it means having Lee institutionalized against his will.
Time is running out for Lee. The polished lens of his photojournalist’s camera fails him, and he must learn to see with his inner sight. Mounting clues beckon him toward this woman who pleads for his belief in her and their love. But will he uncover the truth before his obsession robs him of his family, friends, and freedom?
ALONG THE BEACH is a 108,000-word New Age novel.
My metaphysical piece Atlantis, Arise appeared in the national magazine [magazine title listed here]. The pyramids, temples, and mysterious places highlighted in Along The Beach are written with authenticity based on nearly two decades of sojourns exploring those locations across the world with metaphysical societies.
Thank you for considering Along The Beach.
Sincerely,
(me)
A horde of killer bees in Borneo. An armed robbery in Los Angeles. A deadly riptide off the Pacific. Malaria in East Africa. A vision of a lady in white guiding him to safety each time. For travel photographer Lee Merrick, the extraordinary is the ordinary.
As the mysterious lady’s ethereal hands guide Lee’s at the piano to play a Chopin prelude he never knew, he wonders about the prophecy from his youth that foretells he will someday meet “Her” along the beach. But his mother, who has kept the secret of her own dark prophecy, is compelled to sabotage his pursuit at all costs—even if it means having Lee institutionalized against his will.
Time is running out for Lee. The polished lens of his photojournalist’s camera fails him, and he must learn to see with his inner sight. Mounting clues beckon him toward this woman who pleads for his belief in her and their love. But will he uncover the truth before his obsession robs him of his family, friends, and freedom?
ALONG THE BEACH is a 108,000-word New Age novel.
My metaphysical piece Atlantis, Arise appeared in the national magazine [magazine title listed here]. The pyramids, temples, and mysterious places highlighted in Along The Beach are written with authenticity based on nearly two decades of sojourns exploring those locations across the world with metaphysical societies.
Thank you for considering Along The Beach.
Sincerely,
(me)
Dec 15, 2009
Sample Pages - THE ELEANOR STORY - young adult
Memories can stick like a tongue to a frosty pole in the middle of winter. Pulling and tugging to break free will only dismember the delicate skin leaving it raw and exposed.
Exposed.
I remember the exact day the spot light turned on me and everyone noticed the quiet girl who barely ever spoke. And by spotlight, I don't mean me slipping on a pair of tap shoes and performing an excerpt from a Broadway musical. More like I was standing naked with my classmates running at me, a magnifying glass pressed to their eye. Okay, that's a bit dramatic, but seriously it was bad.
Sister Clarisse calls it adolescence or puberty, but I call it exposure and the time when every girl's self-esteem is mutilated, dismembered. For me, my moment of exposure happened at the
beginning of eighth grade.
"What do you think we'll have to do?" Alison whispered to me that morning before school.
I opened my bag and started pulling out books, throwing them on top of the desk. "I don't know. Sister Clarisse didn't give us any details."
My nervous tone reflected the buzz of voices drifting through the classroom. Everyone was feeling it. Today was different. Of course when you're my age, you can't let anyone but your very best friends know the idea of watching The Movie was freakin' scary. Yes, that's right, Ellie Cummings was petrified of this official rite of passage into the teenage world, but never in a million years would I have guessed how much was about to change from The Movie. If I had
known I probably would have faked an illness this morning and never left my house.
I hung my bag on the back of my chair and tugged at my green and navy pleated skirt. It was identical to the one Alison wore, but on her the required uniform was a fashion statement. Alison was already five foot five and growing constantly and not in the gangly awkward way, but in the
I'm-thirteen-but-the-ninth-grade-boys-all-snap-their-heads-in-my-direction way. Mostly because this summer she started growing things I didn't have yet. Well not a b-cup anyway.
Don't think I spend all my time obsessing over the bra size of my classmates, but it was the first week of school and everyone changed over the summer. Alison changed the most of all the
girls and of course it didn't go unnoticed. Me, well let's just say I have the flattest chest in my entire class. This is not opinion based. It's a fact. Even Freddie Livingston has bigger boobs than me. Seriously, he does. I cringe every time Freddie is on the "skins" team when the boys play basketball in the gym.
In just a few days of school I was beginning to realize everything is more complicated in eighth grade. For starters, we moved to the high school wing with the ninth graders and switched classrooms every hour, bumping into them in the hallway. My school messes with the entire genetics of high school by making ninth graders the dominating force and then moving them on to a new school as sophomores.
It's just wrong.
Of course I won't be complaining next year when I'm one of those ninth graders.
But if you're unlucky like me, and scored high on your standardized testing you might even end up in a few classes with them. Talk about feeling like a puny little girl.
My other best friend Hailey leaned in close to Alison and I before whispering, "My sister told me they make everyone put condoms on oranges."
Hailey's sister is in tenth grade this year and entertains herself by giving Hailey a load of crap to see if she'll believe it.
I rolled my eyes. "You don't put condoms on oranges, bananas maybe?"
Alison giggled beside me then put her hand over her mouth when Sister Janet glared in our direction. Hailey's forehead wrinkled and I could tell she was going to give herself a head ache thinking this hard.
I put my hand on her shoulder to calm her down before whispering as quietly as possible, "Hailey we're not going to put condoms on anything . This isn't public school. Catholics stress
abstinence, not birth control."
Her face relaxed.
Alison shook her head, eyes glued to the folder in her hands. "Ellie's right."
TJ the cutest boy in our grade strolled past us and we all three immediately jumped apart from our huddled girl talk.
TJ's eyes fell on Alison. His cheeks blushed a little, then he hurried over to his desk.
"Did you see that," Hailey squealed.
I clapped my hand over her mouth to shut her up. Alison threw me a grateful look. Last year we made a pact to never be those girls. The squealing ones who pretend their idiots and refuse to eat in front of boys. Hailey can't help herself. She's naturally ditzy and forgetful. It has nothing to do with male presence, so we still love her.
"My house after school," Alison reminded us of our Friday tradition which was nothing more than hanging out, pigging out, making fun of the popular girls (the Pact to stay 'squeal free' evolved from one of these sessions), and occasionally inventing stories about what the nuns really do after school (my personal favorite).
"Sarah and Claire are coming. I called them last night," Hailey said, referring to our other two best friends. They were in a different class this year.
"Alright everyone get your Math books out and start with the problems on page ten," Sister Janet said. She narrowed her eyes at me, inclining one hand toward the door. Freddie and Dara zipped past, books tucked under their arms.
I swallowed hard and threw Alison and Hailey a desperate look. Alison bit her lower lip and Hailey chewed on her thumb nail. They were the most supportive friends a girl could have, but they didn't have to leave. I did.
Day five of Algebra with the ninth graders had officially begun.
I grabbed my book and hurried after Freddie and Dara. My stomach did flip-flops while I made the long walk down the hall. But the barfy feeling was completely unrelated to the impending movie and everything to with the older kids. Being forced into their world, even if only for academic reasons would frightened the coolest of eighth graders (which I wasn't). They didn't want me there anymore than I wanted to be there. It was such a fun hour. Let me tell you.
Sister Janet says there's always something to be grateful for- someone who was worse off. Whenever I sit in class behind the most popular ninth grade girl April Jenson, it's difficult to be grateful for anything God has blessed me with. But then I look over at Jenny Ludwig and give thanks that my mother doesn't make me wear the little girl jumpers instead of the skirts. Seriously, she's fourteen with a plaid jumper, white button down Peter Pan collar shirt, knee socks and black Mary Jane's.
I. Kid. You. Not.
After glancing at Jenny the first day of school, I forced myself to look down at my socially acceptable skirt, navy school polo and Nike's then I said: Yes, there is a God! I may not be April Jenson, but Sister Janet is right. It could be worse.
I took in a deep breath before entering the classroom, letting my eyes drop to stare at my shoes like I was examining them for dog crap stuck to the bottom. It's an unspoken rule not to make eye contact with the ninth graders while on their turf (which I was). I slid into my seat and noticed Mrs. Halloway wasn't in the in the room yet. Frightening. I was writing the date on the top of my notebook page when someone tapped me on the shoulder.
My heart started pounding in my chest. It must be a trick. I wasn't turning around just to have someone shove my finger up my nose and ask me if I'm digging for gold (this happened to Freddie yesterday, I felt terrible for him).
"Ellie, are you ignoring me?" a voice whispered in my ear.
A familiar voice. But it couldn't be. I turned quickly in my seat and stared right into Justin's green eyes.
"What are you doing here?" I couldn't help asking.
He smiled. "It's not an all girl's school."
I rolled my eyes. "You wish. But I thought you were going to George Washington?"
"My parents had me on the waiting list all summer. A spot opened up at the last minute. I've been here for a week waiting for you to talk to me." He frowned and reached his hand toward my shirt and pulled off a cat hair. "Albert Einstein's been rolling in your laundry basket again, hasn't he?"
I laughed and pushed his hand away. "I wasn't ignoring you. I didn't know you were here. Plus I'm an eighth grader. I'll probably get hung or lynched just for this little chat."
I turned around then because Mrs. Halloway walked in to the room and I realized immediately several pairs of eyes were on me.
Spotlight number one. I wished more than anything this was the only one. It wasn't.
My cheeks burned and I slid down in my seat hoping Mrs. Halloway would jump right in to complex equations. She did jump into the lesson but not the long boring lecture I hoped for. No, that would be lucky (which I wasn't). And that would be reserved for traditional teachers
(which Mrs. Halloway wasn't).
Today we were doing a hands-on project- calculating angles of large objects outside using Algebraic and geometric formulas. So when she started to partner us up I glanced hopefully at Dara, even Freddie would do. Eighth graders needed to stick together, but instead I get-
"April Jenson," Mrs. Halloway said.
April stood and flipped her blonde hair over her shoulder.
Mrs. Halloway looked down at her clip board. "April your partner will be, Eleanor Cummings."
My face turned even redder and I ducked down pretending to pick up something from the floor.
"Eleanor Cummings," Mrs. Halloway spoke with such authority I jerked up quickly banging my head on the desk, hard.
I stood feeling the burn of everyone's eyes.
Spotlight number two.
Mrs. Halloway was new and didn't know name's yet. She was just reading off the roster and the damage she caused was completely unintentional.
I heard Justin laugh a little under his breath and mutter, "Eleanor."
I had been Ellie Cummings since preschool. Like every other day, I walked in as Ellie. But today, I left as Eleanor and today of all days Eleanor was the absolute worst name to have.
Query - THE ELEANOR STORY - young adult
On her fourteenth birthday, Ellie Cummings had one amazing, seventy-two second kiss with the cutest boy in school. Three days later she is officially the St. Vincent Academy slut.
Ellie was given the same warning as all the eighth grade girls at St. Vincent's: Your reputation is a valuable possession and you must protect it. Sister Clarisse's message swam straight over shy Ellie's head. Until the movie following the nun's speech. The moment the words flashed across the screen, she knew she was in trouble: The Eleanor Story: A Story Of A Girl Who's Reputation Got In The Way Of Her Relationship With God.
The girl was easy and boy crazy and she'd rather be kissing than praying. And they had the same name! All Ellie can do is hope everyone will forget The Movie soon. They might have too if Justin Sampson, Ellie's best summer pal, hadn't transferred to her school. Even Ellie can't dismiss the fact that Justin is really cute. On her fourteenth birthday, she kisses him with twenty-six pairs of eyes watching.
She has officially gone from Ellie to *the Eleanor*. Worse, a mysterious blogger named HailMary22 has created a blog in her honor: Guess Eleanor Cummings Next Man.
Rumors and lies fill the online world. Her first real kiss has turned into the world's biggest mistake and Ellie can't escape. Now she has to the make a decision: hide from HailMary22 or stand up for herself for the first time in her life.
THE ELEANOR STORY is a 53,000 word young adult novel.
Ellie was given the same warning as all the eighth grade girls at St. Vincent's: Your reputation is a valuable possession and you must protect it. Sister Clarisse's message swam straight over shy Ellie's head. Until the movie following the nun's speech. The moment the words flashed across the screen, she knew she was in trouble: The Eleanor Story: A Story Of A Girl Who's Reputation Got In The Way Of Her Relationship With God.
The girl was easy and boy crazy and she'd rather be kissing than praying. And they had the same name! All Ellie can do is hope everyone will forget The Movie soon. They might have too if Justin Sampson, Ellie's best summer pal, hadn't transferred to her school. Even Ellie can't dismiss the fact that Justin is really cute. On her fourteenth birthday, she kisses him with twenty-six pairs of eyes watching.
She has officially gone from Ellie to *the Eleanor*. Worse, a mysterious blogger named HailMary22 has created a blog in her honor: Guess Eleanor Cummings Next Man.
Rumors and lies fill the online world. Her first real kiss has turned into the world's biggest mistake and Ellie can't escape. Now she has to the make a decision: hide from HailMary22 or stand up for herself for the first time in her life.
THE ELEANOR STORY is a 53,000 word young adult novel.
Dec 12, 2009
Query-Raising Kain: Diseased God (Revised)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent,
I am seeking representation for my 48,000 word YA fantasy novella RAISING KAIN: DISEASED GOD.
The day he turns six-years-old Apophis Kain learns he is destined to become the Aspect of the Earth, he just has to survive the training to get there first.
Being the sun of a sky god and the Aspect of the Moon, as well as the crown prince of Atlantis and transforming into a dragon means that Kain must be destined for greatness. He just didn’t realize greatness meant living naked in the woods, having his aunt, Terra Gaia the current Aspect of the Earth, as the worlds hardest tutor, or meeting the deranged diseased god, Pestilence.
Training to be the Aspect of the earth and fighting to overcome his headstrong pride is hard enough, but when Pestilence shows up it becomes a fight for his life. One he may not be able to win. Failure means life as a new version of the diseased god, and destruction of the material plane.
I am a student of history and literature at Concord University, I have published one short story with Concord University’s publication, Reflexes.
I would be happy to forward the complete manuscript at your request, and I thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Ryan Smith
Dear Agent,
I am seeking representation for my 48,000 word YA fantasy novella RAISING KAIN: DISEASED GOD.
The day he turns six-years-old Apophis Kain learns he is destined to become the Aspect of the Earth, he just has to survive the training to get there first.
Being the sun of a sky god and the Aspect of the Moon, as well as the crown prince of Atlantis and transforming into a dragon means that Kain must be destined for greatness. He just didn’t realize greatness meant living naked in the woods, having his aunt, Terra Gaia the current Aspect of the Earth, as the worlds hardest tutor, or meeting the deranged diseased god, Pestilence.
Training to be the Aspect of the earth and fighting to overcome his headstrong pride is hard enough, but when Pestilence shows up it becomes a fight for his life. One he may not be able to win. Failure means life as a new version of the diseased god, and destruction of the material plane.
I am a student of history and literature at Concord University, I have published one short story with Concord University’s publication, Reflexes.
I would be happy to forward the complete manuscript at your request, and I thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Ryan Smith
Dec 10, 2009
Query - Along the Beach
A Tale of Two Queries. Some regard each as having their own strengths and shortcomings. The first has a fuller idea of the plot. The second seems more catchy and a breezier read, striving to entice with just enough to hook the agent to request the synopsis giving more of the plot. Perhaps a bit too thin though?
Should I try to merge the best of both into one?
I'm suspecting that rather than do a big rewrite of version 1 (some don't like its opening paragraph at all) I should prop-up version 2.
So that might involve taking version 2 as a base to work with, and infusing it with a bit of Version 1's fourth paragraph to fill in a bit more? Or run version 2 as-is?
nb: The query has a bio section, but it's omitted in this sample, so we can focus on the aspects in question. The issue of genre classification deserves a whole other thread (labeling it New Age vs. Paranormal vs. Fantasy Romance vs. psychic vs. mainstream or not even at all).
Thanks from Gary in Las Vegas
QUERY VERSION 1
Dear Mr./Ms. (Agent),
Soulmates. Faith. Destiny.
"Fanciful words," many would say. But not Lee Merrick.
Those words are with him day and night. Intriguing him. Haunting him. And quite possibly driving him mad.
His only hope is to find the truth behind the enchanting visions of a woman he has fallen in love with but has never met.
Along the Beach is a 108,000-word novel journeying from the outermost reaches of the globe to the inner depths of the soul.
Far away from his Los Angeles home photographing exotic shorelines, Lee is entranced by mystical visions of the "Lady in White." Could she be the woman first revealed in a prophecy foretold in his youth—that he will someday meet his soulmate along the beach? Yet a secret from long-ago compels his own mother to stop at nothing to prevent his success—even if it means having him institutionalized against his will.
On a path of self-discovery spanning a decade, Lee faces the unknown in faraway places, and will ultimately be confronted with his greatest challenge: to overcome the logic of his doubts holding back his certainty that beyond the vision of her spirit, breathes this mysterious woman somewhere in the world. For he knows that he will never be whole until he touches her hand, to unite with the one who already completes his most sacred thoughts and echoes his own heartbeat.
(bio section / closing remark / why I chose that book agent)
QUERY VERSION 2
A horde of killer bees in Borneo. An armed robbery in Los Angeles. A deadly riptide off the Pacific. Malaria in East Africa. A vision of a lady in white guiding him to safety each time. For travel photographer Lee Merrick, the extraordinary is the ordinary.
As her ethereal hands guide Lee’s at the piano to play a Chopin prelude he never knew, he wonders about the prophecy from his youth that foretells he will someday meet "Her" along the beach. But the dark secret of his mother’s own deadly prophecy compels her to sabotage his pursuit at all costs—even if it means having Lee institutionalized against his will.
Time is running out for Lee. Mounting clues beckon him toward finding this woman who pleads for him to believe that she and her love for him are real, but he may not uncover the truth before his obsession robs him of his family, friends, and freedom.
ALONG THE BEACH is a 108,000-word New Age novel.
(same bio / closing / custom comment for choosing that agent)
Should I try to merge the best of both into one?
I'm suspecting that rather than do a big rewrite of version 1 (some don't like its opening paragraph at all) I should prop-up version 2.
So that might involve taking version 2 as a base to work with, and infusing it with a bit of Version 1's fourth paragraph to fill in a bit more? Or run version 2 as-is?
nb: The query has a bio section, but it's omitted in this sample, so we can focus on the aspects in question. The issue of genre classification deserves a whole other thread (labeling it New Age vs. Paranormal vs. Fantasy Romance vs. psychic vs. mainstream or not even at all).
Thanks from Gary in Las Vegas
QUERY VERSION 1
Dear Mr./Ms. (Agent),
Soulmates. Faith. Destiny.
"Fanciful words," many would say. But not Lee Merrick.
Those words are with him day and night. Intriguing him. Haunting him. And quite possibly driving him mad.
His only hope is to find the truth behind the enchanting visions of a woman he has fallen in love with but has never met.
Along the Beach is a 108,000-word novel journeying from the outermost reaches of the globe to the inner depths of the soul.
Far away from his Los Angeles home photographing exotic shorelines, Lee is entranced by mystical visions of the "Lady in White." Could she be the woman first revealed in a prophecy foretold in his youth—that he will someday meet his soulmate along the beach? Yet a secret from long-ago compels his own mother to stop at nothing to prevent his success—even if it means having him institutionalized against his will.
On a path of self-discovery spanning a decade, Lee faces the unknown in faraway places, and will ultimately be confronted with his greatest challenge: to overcome the logic of his doubts holding back his certainty that beyond the vision of her spirit, breathes this mysterious woman somewhere in the world. For he knows that he will never be whole until he touches her hand, to unite with the one who already completes his most sacred thoughts and echoes his own heartbeat.
(bio section / closing remark / why I chose that book agent)
QUERY VERSION 2
A horde of killer bees in Borneo. An armed robbery in Los Angeles. A deadly riptide off the Pacific. Malaria in East Africa. A vision of a lady in white guiding him to safety each time. For travel photographer Lee Merrick, the extraordinary is the ordinary.
As her ethereal hands guide Lee’s at the piano to play a Chopin prelude he never knew, he wonders about the prophecy from his youth that foretells he will someday meet "Her" along the beach. But the dark secret of his mother’s own deadly prophecy compels her to sabotage his pursuit at all costs—even if it means having Lee institutionalized against his will.
Time is running out for Lee. Mounting clues beckon him toward finding this woman who pleads for him to believe that she and her love for him are real, but he may not uncover the truth before his obsession robs him of his family, friends, and freedom.
ALONG THE BEACH is a 108,000-word New Age novel.
(same bio / closing / custom comment for choosing that agent)
Dec 9, 2009
Query - Chuck Steak
Dear ____:
In the first of a series of at least ninety-three books, Chuck Steak, the world's most badass, Dots the candy loving cop, is sucked into a deadly game on his wedding day where he has to convince Mia, his very Christian bride-to-be, along with fifty family members and a priest to get on a bus labeled "Why am I marrying this bitch?" Then, in a rip-off of the movie Speed, he has to keep the bus traveling above fifty-five miles per hour and also marry Mia within twenty minutes or else a bomb in her necklace will explode. However, after the Movie Maniac accidently sits on the remote detonator, Chuck is sent on warpath where he spirals downward and finds himself inviting villains, just like the one he is hunting, into his personal life. The ultimate question is, can Chuck ever hold onto happiness and let go of revenge?
Chuck Steak, completed at 70,000+ words, is not only a satirical crime story, but also a play on the clichés found in almost all novels and movies. As a fan of pop culture, I've set out to create an over the top adventure with a heavy emphasis on sarcasm, but the spotlight is strictly on Chuck—a near immortal man when it comes to action sequences with the strength of Arnold Schwarzenegger, the thirst for revenge like the Punisher and the charisma of Bruce Campbell from Army of Darkness. Like testosterone is to Harry Potter and Edward Cullen, Chuck's only weakness is self-destruction, and he flirts with it the entire novel.
In an unknown preparation for this novel, I've seen over 5,000 movies, 700 of them in the theater with the ticket stubs to prove so, and have searched all over the internet for what people consider the most annoying clichés, coming up with a list in the hundreds. I am already hard at work on the sequel Chuck Steak: A declaration of war on the justice system and the genre of YA where Chuck will run into a villain who thrusts him into a computer programmed world similar to the Matrix filled with fluffy high-school drama and then ultimately into the only true family he's ever known—the justice system.
Accompanied by my minor in English, I've written brochures, press releases and web content for personal businesses. I worked as a freelance editor on the side, and to date, have edited seven full-length novels. In the first quarter of 2010, my 15,000 word short story Uncurable will be published in the fifth installment of the award winning series Twisted Tails. I'm also a twenty-six-year-old stay at home dad who is happily married with a wonderful two and a half year-old son.
If you would like to read Chuck Steak, I will gladly send sample chapters or the entire manuscript. I want to thank you for taking the time to read this query letter, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Matt
(I hope this meets the guidelines-and thanks in advance if this gets posted.)
In the first of a series of at least ninety-three books, Chuck Steak, the world's most badass, Dots the candy loving cop, is sucked into a deadly game on his wedding day where he has to convince Mia, his very Christian bride-to-be, along with fifty family members and a priest to get on a bus labeled "Why am I marrying this bitch?" Then, in a rip-off of the movie Speed, he has to keep the bus traveling above fifty-five miles per hour and also marry Mia within twenty minutes or else a bomb in her necklace will explode. However, after the Movie Maniac accidently sits on the remote detonator, Chuck is sent on warpath where he spirals downward and finds himself inviting villains, just like the one he is hunting, into his personal life. The ultimate question is, can Chuck ever hold onto happiness and let go of revenge?
Chuck Steak, completed at 70,000+ words, is not only a satirical crime story, but also a play on the clichés found in almost all novels and movies. As a fan of pop culture, I've set out to create an over the top adventure with a heavy emphasis on sarcasm, but the spotlight is strictly on Chuck—a near immortal man when it comes to action sequences with the strength of Arnold Schwarzenegger, the thirst for revenge like the Punisher and the charisma of Bruce Campbell from Army of Darkness. Like testosterone is to Harry Potter and Edward Cullen, Chuck's only weakness is self-destruction, and he flirts with it the entire novel.
In an unknown preparation for this novel, I've seen over 5,000 movies, 700 of them in the theater with the ticket stubs to prove so, and have searched all over the internet for what people consider the most annoying clichés, coming up with a list in the hundreds. I am already hard at work on the sequel Chuck Steak: A declaration of war on the justice system and the genre of YA where Chuck will run into a villain who thrusts him into a computer programmed world similar to the Matrix filled with fluffy high-school drama and then ultimately into the only true family he's ever known—the justice system.
Accompanied by my minor in English, I've written brochures, press releases and web content for personal businesses. I worked as a freelance editor on the side, and to date, have edited seven full-length novels. In the first quarter of 2010, my 15,000 word short story Uncurable will be published in the fifth installment of the award winning series Twisted Tails. I'm also a twenty-six-year-old stay at home dad who is happily married with a wonderful two and a half year-old son.
If you would like to read Chuck Steak, I will gladly send sample chapters or the entire manuscript. I want to thank you for taking the time to read this query letter, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Matt
(I hope this meets the guidelines-and thanks in advance if this gets posted.)
QUERY: TWENTY-FIVE
Dear Ms. Super Agent,
Twenty-five. The age at which Abigail Bronsen hoped to have her life figured out. Instead, she’s a virgin stuck at a dead end job who spends her Saturday nights cleaning her apartment.
Not exactly the exciting life she planned for herself at fifteen, as she’s reminded when her sister produces a list of goals Abigail wrote in high school. Climb a mountain. Give blood. Ride a motorcycle. Write a column for a newspaper or magazine. Fall in Love. She can’t check anything off.
Abigail is certain she’s suffering from a terminal case of averageness when BAM! Mr. Right crashes into her. Ben Harris smashed her car, but boy, was he cute. He’d never be into a girl like her, would he? Actually, he would.
Within a few weeks, Abigail doesn’t recognize her own life: maybe twenty-five isn’t so bad, after all. She has a boyfriend for the first time ever. With Ben’s encouragement the list of things she hasn’t done diminishes. Within a few months, she receives a promotion.
Who is she kidding? Twenty-five is the best year of her life.
Okay, maybe not. The magazine Abigail works for wants her to move to London to write a column. But leaving the United States means leaving Ben. How can she make a choice between the man she loves and the career she wants?
She makes the wrong choice.
TWENTY-FIVE (Contemporary Romance, 98K words) is written in both Abigail and Ben’s point of views. The story will appeal to readers who loved The Notebook, by Nicolas Sparks.
The full manuscript is ready to send for your review. Thank you, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Rachel Hamm
Twenty-five. The age at which Abigail Bronsen hoped to have her life figured out. Instead, she’s a virgin stuck at a dead end job who spends her Saturday nights cleaning her apartment.
Not exactly the exciting life she planned for herself at fifteen, as she’s reminded when her sister produces a list of goals Abigail wrote in high school. Climb a mountain. Give blood. Ride a motorcycle. Write a column for a newspaper or magazine. Fall in Love. She can’t check anything off.
Abigail is certain she’s suffering from a terminal case of averageness when BAM! Mr. Right crashes into her. Ben Harris smashed her car, but boy, was he cute. He’d never be into a girl like her, would he? Actually, he would.
Within a few weeks, Abigail doesn’t recognize her own life: maybe twenty-five isn’t so bad, after all. She has a boyfriend for the first time ever. With Ben’s encouragement the list of things she hasn’t done diminishes. Within a few months, she receives a promotion.
Who is she kidding? Twenty-five is the best year of her life.
Okay, maybe not. The magazine Abigail works for wants her to move to London to write a column. But leaving the United States means leaving Ben. How can she make a choice between the man she loves and the career she wants?
She makes the wrong choice.
TWENTY-FIVE (Contemporary Romance, 98K words) is written in both Abigail and Ben’s point of views. The story will appeal to readers who loved The Notebook, by Nicolas Sparks.
The full manuscript is ready to send for your review. Thank you, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Rachel Hamm
Dec 8, 2009
QUERY - MEND
Thanks you all for taking the time and looking this over. I've been toiling with this thing for a few weeks now, and would love to get some feedback. I very much appreciate it. So, here is my query:
I am seeking representation for my novel entitled MEND.
He attacks. He springs upon his victims with hatred and blind fury, slashing their bodies and shredding the peace of The City Too Busy to Hate. He kills. With no evidence left behind, four families have fallen in his wake, and he is not finished.
Enter Jacob Santos, a man prodded toward the killer by the ghost of a forgotten childhood friend. Plagued by hallucinations and incoherent memories, Jacob reluctantly follows the cryptic messages, knowing that he must unmask the killer and decipher the mysterious link between them in time to save another family from being slaughtered.
However, unveiling the secret could push Jacob into the chasm that lies at its heart and bring about the complete unraveling of his mind. He cannot fail. Doing so will turn him from the best hope to stop the killer, and into the catalyst of an unprecedented murderous rampage. Jacob must stop it.
At 70,000 words, MEND is a complete Crime Fiction. It is story that to my knowledge has not been told in such a way as I present it. Please find the first chapter attached for your review. My manuscript is ready to be sent at your request.
I thank you for your time and look forward to hearing from you.
Respectfully,
J.m. Diaz
I am seeking representation for my novel entitled MEND.
He attacks. He springs upon his victims with hatred and blind fury, slashing their bodies and shredding the peace of The City Too Busy to Hate. He kills. With no evidence left behind, four families have fallen in his wake, and he is not finished.
Enter Jacob Santos, a man prodded toward the killer by the ghost of a forgotten childhood friend. Plagued by hallucinations and incoherent memories, Jacob reluctantly follows the cryptic messages, knowing that he must unmask the killer and decipher the mysterious link between them in time to save another family from being slaughtered.
However, unveiling the secret could push Jacob into the chasm that lies at its heart and bring about the complete unraveling of his mind. He cannot fail. Doing so will turn him from the best hope to stop the killer, and into the catalyst of an unprecedented murderous rampage. Jacob must stop it.
At 70,000 words, MEND is a complete Crime Fiction. It is story that to my knowledge has not been told in such a way as I present it. Please find the first chapter attached for your review. My manuscript is ready to be sent at your request.
I thank you for your time and look forward to hearing from you.
Respectfully,
J.m. Diaz
Dec 3, 2009
Query - Everything is Fine, Nothing is Ruined (Revised)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear X-and-so,
The night was gloomy and irritable, or possibly suffering from indigestion. The body, fallen from a seventh story window and covered in blood, refused to remain sprawled and was taken to a hospital. The night-shift nurse with the caustic sense of humor christened him "Seven." Saddled with this strange moniker and released from the doctor, Seven has little recourse but to befriend a philosopher named Tori -- who has a marked tendency to pull physical objects out of his hat -- and open a detective agency. The paint is still drying on their office door when a briefcase stuffed full of counterfeit money, an invitation to a murder, and an overabundance of already murdered corpses all begin clamoring for attention at once.
Desperately keeping busy in order to avoid the painful mysteries of self, Seven accepts all of these cases in stride, some at a run. An FBI agent sorely in need of vacation time, an environmentalist organization of ninjas, and the notorious gang of up-and-coming mob boss Eggbert "Eggy" Thornton seem determined to ensure Seven won't survive long enough to resolve anything, anyway. The absurd, almost ridiculous realities encountered by the ensemble cast ensure that the world they inhabit is never dull -- even the minifridge holds disturbing secrets.
Everything is Fine, Nothing is Ruined is a humorous paranormal mystery clocking in at just over 60,000 words, and is my first novel.
[personalized closing explaining why I am querying this particular agent]
Sincerely, &c.
Dear X-and-so,
The night was gloomy and irritable, or possibly suffering from indigestion. The body, fallen from a seventh story window and covered in blood, refused to remain sprawled and was taken to a hospital. The night-shift nurse with the caustic sense of humor christened him "Seven." Saddled with this strange moniker and released from the doctor, Seven has little recourse but to befriend a philosopher named Tori -- who has a marked tendency to pull physical objects out of his hat -- and open a detective agency. The paint is still drying on their office door when a briefcase stuffed full of counterfeit money, an invitation to a murder, and an overabundance of already murdered corpses all begin clamoring for attention at once.
Desperately keeping busy in order to avoid the painful mysteries of self, Seven accepts all of these cases in stride, some at a run. An FBI agent sorely in need of vacation time, an environmentalist organization of ninjas, and the notorious gang of up-and-coming mob boss Eggbert "Eggy" Thornton seem determined to ensure Seven won't survive long enough to resolve anything, anyway. The absurd, almost ridiculous realities encountered by the ensemble cast ensure that the world they inhabit is never dull -- even the minifridge holds disturbing secrets.
Everything is Fine, Nothing is Ruined is a humorous paranormal mystery clocking in at just over 60,000 words, and is my first novel.
[personalized closing explaining why I am querying this particular agent]
Sincerely, &c.
Dec 2, 2009
Query - Everything is Fine, Nothing is Ruined
A revision of this query has been posted. Click here to read it.
Seven, a detective with an inadvisable haircut, and his pal Tori -- a philosopher with a strange hat indeed -- are down on luck, money and protein. Luckily, a briefcase full of counterfeit money and a mishmash of dead bodies embroil them like a chef embroils a petulant duck. Now thoroughly marinated in circumstance, the pair unexpectedly find themselves in possession of the briefcase. Sensing no plausible alternative, they are chased through a variety of locales, from a haunted mansion all the way to a jewelry store -- robbery in progress.
Everything is Fine, Nothing is Ruined is a humorous paranormal mystery about a detective completely uninterested in self-discovery. Can he keep himself busy long enough to avoid the painful mysteries of self? An FBI agent sorely in need of vacation time, an environmentalist organization of ninjas, and the notorious gang of boss Eggbert "Eggy" Thornton seem determined to ensure Seven won't survive long enough to answer these pesky questions anyway. The absurd, almost ridiculous realities encountered by the ensemble cast ensure that the world they inhabit is never dull -- even the minifridge holds disturbing secrets.
Seven, a detective with an inadvisable haircut, and his pal Tori -- a philosopher with a strange hat indeed -- are down on luck, money and protein. Luckily, a briefcase full of counterfeit money and a mishmash of dead bodies embroil them like a chef embroils a petulant duck. Now thoroughly marinated in circumstance, the pair unexpectedly find themselves in possession of the briefcase. Sensing no plausible alternative, they are chased through a variety of locales, from a haunted mansion all the way to a jewelry store -- robbery in progress.
Everything is Fine, Nothing is Ruined is a humorous paranormal mystery about a detective completely uninterested in self-discovery. Can he keep himself busy long enough to avoid the painful mysteries of self? An FBI agent sorely in need of vacation time, an environmentalist organization of ninjas, and the notorious gang of boss Eggbert "Eggy" Thornton seem determined to ensure Seven won't survive long enough to answer these pesky questions anyway. The absurd, almost ridiculous realities encountered by the ensemble cast ensure that the world they inhabit is never dull -- even the minifridge holds disturbing secrets.
Revised query--DARK ABYSS
Click here to read the original query.
I want to thank everyone for the helpful tips. I hope this sums it up short and to the point while at the same time answering some questions.
Dear Blah Blah,
Personalized opening.
Akali is a witch. She just doesn’t know it yet.
That is until she unwittingly meets Isaac who nabs her right from her home. Fortunately, Isaac has other plans besides rape and murder. He’s a vampire desperate for her help. With that shocking news, Akali’s normal life vanishes and is replaced with a world of dangerous creatures whose soul intent is stopping her from discovering her true power. Together with Isaac, whether she wants him there or not, Akali finds herself on a whirlwind journey to stay alive while trying to free his family from an ancient curse.
DARK ABYSS is a paranormal romance complete at 105,000 words and available upon your request. Thank you in advance for your time and consideration.
Closing personal info.
I want to thank everyone for the helpful tips. I hope this sums it up short and to the point while at the same time answering some questions.
Dear Blah Blah,
Personalized opening.
Akali is a witch. She just doesn’t know it yet.
That is until she unwittingly meets Isaac who nabs her right from her home. Fortunately, Isaac has other plans besides rape and murder. He’s a vampire desperate for her help. With that shocking news, Akali’s normal life vanishes and is replaced with a world of dangerous creatures whose soul intent is stopping her from discovering her true power. Together with Isaac, whether she wants him there or not, Akali finds herself on a whirlwind journey to stay alive while trying to free his family from an ancient curse.
DARK ABYSS is a paranormal romance complete at 105,000 words and available upon your request. Thank you in advance for your time and consideration.
Closing personal info.
Dec 1, 2009
Sample Pages - IN THE CLOUDS - Revisions 1
Click here to read the query.
I'm a fifteen year-old girl being followed everywhere by a forty-year old Algebra teacher. Sounds creepy, right? But not insane. At least that's the line I've been feeding myself over and over since last ight. I'm not crazy. Despite the fact that I can't stop glancing over my shoulder- checking if he's still there. It's like I have Tourette's or something.
But I have a real good excuse. Even better than teenage-girl-being-stalked-by-middle-age-male-teacher. The man walking two steps behind me right now, died yesterday morning. It fact, I witnessed his death.
And Mr. Schuster and I aren't exactly BFF's. He hates me. Or hated me. Not sure which to use. That's right, Alan Schuster is dead. He croaked. Bit the bullet. And yet I don't find any pleasure in his absence. BECAUSE HE'S STILL HERE! Only I can see him.
I must be special or cursed. I promise I'm not normally this insensitive. I even cried yesterday, but the guy is driving me nuts. He won't shut up. What does a girl like me do when her dead teacher is tailing her and giving long lectures on why she should shut off the TV and get some homework done? As if that were possible in my current mental state (aka – completely freaked!).
Here's what I did. I walked to school this morning and headed straight to the guidance counselor's office, where sanity has some kind of tangible measurement. In other words, he can tell me if I'm nuts. It was the only plan I could come up with after zero hours sleep and
several minutes spent googling the phrase, I see dead people.
The second I entered the school building, I turned and headed up the empty staircase leading to the third floor. I hadn't ever talked to Dr. Cooper, but I'd seen him in the halls and knew where his office was.
"What exactly are you trying to accomplish?" Schuster asked in that sneering tone of his.
The sound made the already churning acid in my stomach move like the washer's spin cycle. This was much worse than our usual bonding time of forty-five minutes a day. It was twenty-four seven with that teacher. You know the one I'm talking about. Mine has geeky black
glasses, blonde hair combed to the side like a preschooler on the first day, he's about six foot four and a scowl is permanently embedded to his face. It travels all the way to his eyes.
Everybody who's been to high school can name the teacher they dreaded most. The one that caused them to slide down in their chair as low as possible praying they could go one day without being noticed. Now imagine taking that teacher home with you, and everywhere else.
After only twelve hours, I was nearly ready to check myself in to the psyche ward. Instead of heading to the nearest ER I opened my mouth. Not usually a good thing given my tendency to speak, then think. Normally, the outbursts of profanities were directed at rude boys in
gym class, never a teacher.
"Can't you just shut-up for five minutes?" I snapped. "It's bad enough I had to listen to you all night. I haven't slept more than a few hours in two days."
I couldn't look at him, but I'm sure his face had that twisted, angry, purple look to it.
Well, maybe not purple anymore.
I shook my head trying to focus on sanity. I needed sanity to get my questions answered. Otherwise who knows where I might end up? I knocked on the door of room 312 then I saw the note next to the door.
"In Meetings this morning. Will return after 10:00am."
My panic level rose quickly. This had been my only plan and nothing was solved. Going to class like everything was normal and ghosts weren't talking to me seemed like an impossible task. I headed quickly down the steps and crawled underneath the stair case on the second floor before the halls became too crowded. Before anyone saw me. It was my favorite hiding place and I couldn't go home to my big empty house with Schuster in tow. It was less eerie being surrounded
by people, even in hiding at least I knew they were there.
"Cutting class is against school policy," Schuster ranted on. His giant feet paced back and forth in front of the staircase. "You would never listen to a teacher would you Miss Rollings? Of course not. With that thick skull of yours I'm surprised you can make it through an entire school day without a handful of detentions."
I couldn't.
Maybe this was my punishment for being such an academic loser. The past two days my life had taken a small turn for the positive. I got a taste of success, but it was wrong to claim honesty when several incidents of lying and cheating were involved. Maybe it was karma.
Was this really what I deserved? Watching a man die right in front of my eyes, and being condemned to have that man's voice ringing in my ears.
I was there when it happened, the only one in the room. I shouldn't have been there. If I just let things go like usual and not allowed Matt to help, I wouldn't have been there that morning. Three days ago I dreaded walking in to this school building and facing Schuster alive, but now I would take that day over this one in a heartbeat. Everything started Monday morning. The root of my bad Karma.
I'm a fifteen year-old girl being followed everywhere by a forty-year old Algebra teacher. Sounds creepy, right? But not insane. At least that's the line I've been feeding myself over and over since last ight. I'm not crazy. Despite the fact that I can't stop glancing over my shoulder- checking if he's still there. It's like I have Tourette's or something.
But I have a real good excuse. Even better than teenage-girl-being-stalked-by-middle-age-male-teacher. The man walking two steps behind me right now, died yesterday morning. It fact, I witnessed his death.
And Mr. Schuster and I aren't exactly BFF's. He hates me. Or hated me. Not sure which to use. That's right, Alan Schuster is dead. He croaked. Bit the bullet. And yet I don't find any pleasure in his absence. BECAUSE HE'S STILL HERE! Only I can see him.
I must be special or cursed. I promise I'm not normally this insensitive. I even cried yesterday, but the guy is driving me nuts. He won't shut up. What does a girl like me do when her dead teacher is tailing her and giving long lectures on why she should shut off the TV and get some homework done? As if that were possible in my current mental state (aka – completely freaked!).
Here's what I did. I walked to school this morning and headed straight to the guidance counselor's office, where sanity has some kind of tangible measurement. In other words, he can tell me if I'm nuts. It was the only plan I could come up with after zero hours sleep and
several minutes spent googling the phrase, I see dead people.
The second I entered the school building, I turned and headed up the empty staircase leading to the third floor. I hadn't ever talked to Dr. Cooper, but I'd seen him in the halls and knew where his office was.
"What exactly are you trying to accomplish?" Schuster asked in that sneering tone of his.
The sound made the already churning acid in my stomach move like the washer's spin cycle. This was much worse than our usual bonding time of forty-five minutes a day. It was twenty-four seven with that teacher. You know the one I'm talking about. Mine has geeky black
glasses, blonde hair combed to the side like a preschooler on the first day, he's about six foot four and a scowl is permanently embedded to his face. It travels all the way to his eyes.
Everybody who's been to high school can name the teacher they dreaded most. The one that caused them to slide down in their chair as low as possible praying they could go one day without being noticed. Now imagine taking that teacher home with you, and everywhere else.
After only twelve hours, I was nearly ready to check myself in to the psyche ward. Instead of heading to the nearest ER I opened my mouth. Not usually a good thing given my tendency to speak, then think. Normally, the outbursts of profanities were directed at rude boys in
gym class, never a teacher.
"Can't you just shut-up for five minutes?" I snapped. "It's bad enough I had to listen to you all night. I haven't slept more than a few hours in two days."
I couldn't look at him, but I'm sure his face had that twisted, angry, purple look to it.
Well, maybe not purple anymore.
I shook my head trying to focus on sanity. I needed sanity to get my questions answered. Otherwise who knows where I might end up? I knocked on the door of room 312 then I saw the note next to the door.
"In Meetings this morning. Will return after 10:00am."
My panic level rose quickly. This had been my only plan and nothing was solved. Going to class like everything was normal and ghosts weren't talking to me seemed like an impossible task. I headed quickly down the steps and crawled underneath the stair case on the second floor before the halls became too crowded. Before anyone saw me. It was my favorite hiding place and I couldn't go home to my big empty house with Schuster in tow. It was less eerie being surrounded
by people, even in hiding at least I knew they were there.
"Cutting class is against school policy," Schuster ranted on. His giant feet paced back and forth in front of the staircase. "You would never listen to a teacher would you Miss Rollings? Of course not. With that thick skull of yours I'm surprised you can make it through an entire school day without a handful of detentions."
I couldn't.
Maybe this was my punishment for being such an academic loser. The past two days my life had taken a small turn for the positive. I got a taste of success, but it was wrong to claim honesty when several incidents of lying and cheating were involved. Maybe it was karma.
Was this really what I deserved? Watching a man die right in front of my eyes, and being condemned to have that man's voice ringing in my ears.
I was there when it happened, the only one in the room. I shouldn't have been there. If I just let things go like usual and not allowed Matt to help, I wouldn't have been there that morning. Three days ago I dreaded walking in to this school building and facing Schuster alive, but now I would take that day over this one in a heartbeat. Everything started Monday morning. The root of my bad Karma.
QUERY - IN THE CLOUDS - young adult
Fifteen year-old Jaycie Rollings has the worst case of karma known to teenage girls. She's being forced to spend every waking minute with a forty-year-old Algebra teacher and to make things worse, he's dead.
Forty-five minutes a day with a living Mr. Schuster was bad enough for Jaycie, now he's following her and her boyfriend into their favorite make-out spots. She can't get any sleep at home with a ghost wandering around and boring World History class usually provided a good
opportunity for a nap, except now she has a dead teacher leaning over her shoulder threatening to sing show tunes if her notes on Hitler aren't perfect.
Mr. Schuster isn't exactly pleased with being condemned to follow 'a silly little girl around'. In fact, of all the students he could be stuck with, Jaycie is his last choice. But when he tries to leave her side, everything turns black and the darkness shows nothing but misery and a loneliness no man could withstand.
It's a crazy game of tug-o-war and Jaycie knows Mr. Schuster must have some kind-of unfinished business and figuring out what is keeping him around might be the only way to get rid of him.
Its Jaycie who makes the first move, a truce to work with the man that made her dread every single day of ninth grade. She opens up her world to him and he reluctantly does the same. Jaycie discovers a real person living beneath the hardened man with the permanent scowl.
She makes it her personal quest to ensure his life means something, even after death. IN THE CLOUDS is a 65,000 word young adult novel.
Forty-five minutes a day with a living Mr. Schuster was bad enough for Jaycie, now he's following her and her boyfriend into their favorite make-out spots. She can't get any sleep at home with a ghost wandering around and boring World History class usually provided a good
opportunity for a nap, except now she has a dead teacher leaning over her shoulder threatening to sing show tunes if her notes on Hitler aren't perfect.
Mr. Schuster isn't exactly pleased with being condemned to follow 'a silly little girl around'. In fact, of all the students he could be stuck with, Jaycie is his last choice. But when he tries to leave her side, everything turns black and the darkness shows nothing but misery and a loneliness no man could withstand.
It's a crazy game of tug-o-war and Jaycie knows Mr. Schuster must have some kind-of unfinished business and figuring out what is keeping him around might be the only way to get rid of him.
Its Jaycie who makes the first move, a truce to work with the man that made her dread every single day of ninth grade. She opens up her world to him and he reluctantly does the same. Jaycie discovers a real person living beneath the hardened man with the permanent scowl.
She makes it her personal quest to ensure his life means something, even after death. IN THE CLOUDS is a 65,000 word young adult novel.
DARK ABYSS Paranormal romance
A revision of this query has been posted. Click here to read it.
Akali is a witch. She just doesn’t know it yet.
That is until she meets Isaac, her friendly kidnapper. But besides being friendly, Isaac has other abilities that take him off the spectrum of being a normal run-of-the-mill kidnapper. As Akali discovers his nature, she also discovers her true heritage and purpose. Together, they begin a whirlwind journey to stay alive and free Isaac’s family from an ancient curse.
DARK ABYSS is complete at 105,000 words and available upon your request. Thank you in advance for your time and consideration.
Akali is a witch. She just doesn’t know it yet.
That is until she meets Isaac, her friendly kidnapper. But besides being friendly, Isaac has other abilities that take him off the spectrum of being a normal run-of-the-mill kidnapper. As Akali discovers his nature, she also discovers her true heritage and purpose. Together, they begin a whirlwind journey to stay alive and free Isaac’s family from an ancient curse.
DARK ABYSS is complete at 105,000 words and available upon your request. Thank you in advance for your time and consideration.
Nov 22, 2009
QUERY: "Unbreakable"
QUERY: "Unbreakable" by KLo at philosophyofklo.blogspot.com
kloud1026@yahoo.com
When two longtime friends are faced with different but equally devastating events, they eventually come to the same conclusion: only their tumultuous pasts can set them free.
Roy Pentinicci, son of an abusive gangster, experiences a childhood characterized by violence, dark secrets, and unspeakable shame. Roy's voyage to manhood is rockier than most, accentuated by his own struggles with his father's demons and the devastating loss of his cherished older sister. As a professional baseball player married to his childhood sweetheart, Roy convinces both himself and those around him that he's moved beyond his past. However, a startling revelation from his wife forces him to go back and face a past that has haunted his psyche all along.
Susy Heidelman survives an equally traumatic upbringing; after being abandoned by her father before she was born, Susy is raised by an emotionally absent and suicidal mother and a drug-abusing older brother. Nobody is more surprised than Susy when her Prince Charming shows up in the unlikeliest of places and whisks her away to a shockingly happy life that is suddenly ripped apart at the seams by a few thoughtless words from her adored son.
The bond between Roy and Susy carries them through happiness and devastation, crime and punishment, life and death as they, both apart and together, realize the truth of karma, the necessity of putting to death their past demons if they want the strength to face the future, and most importantly, the power of love.
I am an aspiring novelist and currently an English teacher in southern New Hampshire. I hold both a B.A. in English (cum laude) and an M.Ed. from the University of New Hampshire. I have used my own experiences with revision within my classroom, and it has been a great privilege to share Unbreakable with selected students along with friends and family members. All were happy to, as I requested, rip it to shreds with love. Now that I have finished polishing it, I am very enthusiastic about sharing Unbreakable with a literary agent.
Thank you for your time and attention to this query; it is very much appreciated. If you are interested in reading the beginning chapters or even the complete manuscript, I would be more than happy to send it right out.
And sample pages ...
II.
(Roy; Boston, MA; September, 2006)
I'm sure that to some people, memories are indeed the proverbial priceless gem that can be brought out to examine and relive with positive connotations.
My memories give me nightmares for a week.
That's not precisely true, of course; some of my memories are absolutely wonderful. It's just that virtually all the good ones gleaned over the course of thirty years occurred after I was fourteen. It’s the years before then, though, that my mind is focusing on now as I sit alone in the study of the Boston penthouse that Addie and I have lived in for the past five years, wishing randomly that I was a drinker. All sources I can find confirm that nothing helps tragedy like alcohol (until the next morning, anyway), but I can’t keep myself from holding true to a promise I made when I was just a kid that I would never drink.
Adelaide is in our bedroom crying. She doesn’t want my comfort; as usual, I caused every one of her tears.
kloud1026@yahoo.com
When two longtime friends are faced with different but equally devastating events, they eventually come to the same conclusion: only their tumultuous pasts can set them free.
Roy Pentinicci, son of an abusive gangster, experiences a childhood characterized by violence, dark secrets, and unspeakable shame. Roy's voyage to manhood is rockier than most, accentuated by his own struggles with his father's demons and the devastating loss of his cherished older sister. As a professional baseball player married to his childhood sweetheart, Roy convinces both himself and those around him that he's moved beyond his past. However, a startling revelation from his wife forces him to go back and face a past that has haunted his psyche all along.
Susy Heidelman survives an equally traumatic upbringing; after being abandoned by her father before she was born, Susy is raised by an emotionally absent and suicidal mother and a drug-abusing older brother. Nobody is more surprised than Susy when her Prince Charming shows up in the unlikeliest of places and whisks her away to a shockingly happy life that is suddenly ripped apart at the seams by a few thoughtless words from her adored son.
The bond between Roy and Susy carries them through happiness and devastation, crime and punishment, life and death as they, both apart and together, realize the truth of karma, the necessity of putting to death their past demons if they want the strength to face the future, and most importantly, the power of love.
I am an aspiring novelist and currently an English teacher in southern New Hampshire. I hold both a B.A. in English (cum laude) and an M.Ed. from the University of New Hampshire. I have used my own experiences with revision within my classroom, and it has been a great privilege to share Unbreakable with selected students along with friends and family members. All were happy to, as I requested, rip it to shreds with love. Now that I have finished polishing it, I am very enthusiastic about sharing Unbreakable with a literary agent.
Thank you for your time and attention to this query; it is very much appreciated. If you are interested in reading the beginning chapters or even the complete manuscript, I would be more than happy to send it right out.
And sample pages ...
II.
(Roy; Boston, MA; September, 2006)
I'm sure that to some people, memories are indeed the proverbial priceless gem that can be brought out to examine and relive with positive connotations.
My memories give me nightmares for a week.
That's not precisely true, of course; some of my memories are absolutely wonderful. It's just that virtually all the good ones gleaned over the course of thirty years occurred after I was fourteen. It’s the years before then, though, that my mind is focusing on now as I sit alone in the study of the Boston penthouse that Addie and I have lived in for the past five years, wishing randomly that I was a drinker. All sources I can find confirm that nothing helps tragedy like alcohol (until the next morning, anyway), but I can’t keep myself from holding true to a promise I made when I was just a kid that I would never drink.
Adelaide is in our bedroom crying. She doesn’t want my comfort; as usual, I caused every one of her tears.
Nov 19, 2009
Revised Query- Black Box Confessional
Click here to read the original query.
This is the revised copy of the query letter for Black Box Confessional. Thank you for all your wonderful comments. They have been very helpful.
Thomas Dean
Mr. Blah Blah
With Blah Blah Blah
1234 Street
New York, NY
11111
Dear Mr. Blah Blah,
Secrets-the dark ones-the kind that bring shame to everyone involved are always well kept. The citizens of Cherryvale, Kansas have known this for decades, covering up the facts of the Bloody Benders and the Dalton Gang. However, what happens when the secret keeper no long wants to play the game; when they feel the need to let it all out?
Alex Mitchellson, an investigative reporter from Denver, has returned home for the first time in nearly ten years. The return is complicated by obligations, old romances, and the haunting death of two of his friends. The most disturbing complication comes in a tattered yellow envelope. The letter, although very cryptic, warns him of lies that caused him to leave his home.
As more letters arrive Alex is forced to face that there could be more to his friends’ death than an accidental drowning. With each piece of evidence pointing towards foul play and the possibility of a cover up an ever increasing danger grows.
Armed with the identity of the mysterious letter writer Alex takes the final step in unearthing what happened to his friends, and why they had been singled out. His questions are answered when he discovers the Chief of Police and his own father, the town minister, are at the root of the dark and sinister secret centered around the love the two boys shared.
Black Box Confessional is a 108,000 word suspense/thriller rooted in small town fears and the traditions they value.
As a graduate of Emporia State University I received a triple bachelor in Speech Communications, Theater and Journalism. While there I won awards for various published articles with the Colligate Press, as well as having several original short plays produced.
Thank you for considering my novel, Black Box Confessional.
Sincerely,
Thomas Dean
This is the revised copy of the query letter for Black Box Confessional. Thank you for all your wonderful comments. They have been very helpful.
Thomas Dean
Mr. Blah Blah
With Blah Blah Blah
1234 Street
New York, NY
11111
Dear Mr. Blah Blah,
Secrets-the dark ones-the kind that bring shame to everyone involved are always well kept. The citizens of Cherryvale, Kansas have known this for decades, covering up the facts of the Bloody Benders and the Dalton Gang. However, what happens when the secret keeper no long wants to play the game; when they feel the need to let it all out?
Alex Mitchellson, an investigative reporter from Denver, has returned home for the first time in nearly ten years. The return is complicated by obligations, old romances, and the haunting death of two of his friends. The most disturbing complication comes in a tattered yellow envelope. The letter, although very cryptic, warns him of lies that caused him to leave his home.
As more letters arrive Alex is forced to face that there could be more to his friends’ death than an accidental drowning. With each piece of evidence pointing towards foul play and the possibility of a cover up an ever increasing danger grows.
Armed with the identity of the mysterious letter writer Alex takes the final step in unearthing what happened to his friends, and why they had been singled out. His questions are answered when he discovers the Chief of Police and his own father, the town minister, are at the root of the dark and sinister secret centered around the love the two boys shared.
Black Box Confessional is a 108,000 word suspense/thriller rooted in small town fears and the traditions they value.
As a graduate of Emporia State University I received a triple bachelor in Speech Communications, Theater and Journalism. While there I won awards for various published articles with the Colligate Press, as well as having several original short plays produced.
Thank you for considering my novel, Black Box Confessional.
Sincerely,
Thomas Dean
Nov 18, 2009
Genre Wars Contest Reminder
Hello all,
Just a reminder that the Genre Wars short story contest over at The Literary Lab is still open...but the deadline for submissions is fast approaching. If you have time to crank out or dust off a 1,000 to 2,000 word short story, I know the Lab is accepting submissions through December 1st.
I know most of you are really busy this month, but you deserve to take a break from NaNoWrMo (NOTE: Am I the only one who subconsciously reads that as NaNo NaNo in a Mork from Ork voice?).
Just a reminder that the Genre Wars short story contest over at The Literary Lab is still open...but the deadline for submissions is fast approaching. If you have time to crank out or dust off a 1,000 to 2,000 word short story, I know the Lab is accepting submissions through December 1st.
I know most of you are really busy this month, but you deserve to take a break from NaNoWrMo (NOTE: Am I the only one who subconsciously reads that as NaNo NaNo in a Mork from Ork voice?).
Nov 17, 2009
Mourn Their Courage Query Re-write (2)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first re-write.
Dear Mr./Ms. Agent:
All Liu Jie wants is a quiet, safe life with his wife and son, but when his nephew, the Ron Emperor, pleads for protection from attacking rebels, Jie builds an army. Then he discovers a starving orphan named Aiyu, whose only desire is acceptance and, secretly, escape from the creature that cost him his family. Haunted by his failure to save his oldest children, Jie is afraid Aiyu will die, leaving Jie responsible.
Jie attacks the rebels, but Aiyu's secret endangers Jie's wife and son as they flee each counter offensive. When tragedy strikes and Jie's wife sacrifices herself to save Aiyu and her son, Aiyu admits to his lies. He expects to die or be rejected by Jie, but rather than lose yet another loved one, Jie adopts Aiyu, fulfilling their mutual desire for family. They launch yet another attack where Jie wins despite overwhelming odds, but bitter loss continues to overshadow his victories until he must choose between the safety of his remaining children or his Empire's survival.
Hi, folks! I haven't bothered to paste the rest of the letter since it received approval last time. Can you tell me if this tracks for you? Thanks so much for all your help!
Click here to read the first re-write.
Dear Mr./Ms. Agent:
All Liu Jie wants is a quiet, safe life with his wife and son, but when his nephew, the Ron Emperor, pleads for protection from attacking rebels, Jie builds an army. Then he discovers a starving orphan named Aiyu, whose only desire is acceptance and, secretly, escape from the creature that cost him his family. Haunted by his failure to save his oldest children, Jie is afraid Aiyu will die, leaving Jie responsible.
Jie attacks the rebels, but Aiyu's secret endangers Jie's wife and son as they flee each counter offensive. When tragedy strikes and Jie's wife sacrifices herself to save Aiyu and her son, Aiyu admits to his lies. He expects to die or be rejected by Jie, but rather than lose yet another loved one, Jie adopts Aiyu, fulfilling their mutual desire for family. They launch yet another attack where Jie wins despite overwhelming odds, but bitter loss continues to overshadow his victories until he must choose between the safety of his remaining children or his Empire's survival.
Hi, folks! I haven't bothered to paste the rest of the letter since it received approval last time. Can you tell me if this tracks for you? Thanks so much for all your help!
QUERY - HEART IN SEOUL (revision)
Click here to read the original query.
After praying the sinner’s prayer for the first time in her life, Melanie Hines doesn't feel right about sleeping with her boss anymore. She breaks up with Luke and accepts a six-month project in Seoul, Korea.
Brandon Stiegal, an international business consultant, is not amused at his client company's choice for the new system project leader. Despite his warning about the male-dominated business culture, the blond bombshell decides to stay and complete the project. Melanie's Iowa sweetness and admirable determination wins him over, and he wants to help her acclimate to Korea and keep her from stepping into any cultural potholes.
Luke might have sent her to Seoul as a punishment for breaking up with him, but Melanie intends to take full advantage of her stay by working hard and playing harder. As she clashes with the IT manager, Mr. Yee, who takes offence at a female project leader, Brandon is there to advise her. When she’s out at an exclusive night club with a wealthy young Korean man, Brandon cautions her. His uptight naggings should annoy her; instead her attraction for him intensifies.
Depressed about work and confused about her growing feelings for Brandon, she takes a weekend trip to China to do some sight-seeing and to get away from her problems. There, Melanie happens upon a North Korean restaurant, and out of curiosity, she enters, unaware of strange activities around her. When she returns to Seoul, a man in dark suit stalks her. The only person she can trust is Brandon.
The South Korean government suspects her of being a messenger for the North Korean spies. Brandon and Melanie flee to keep her from taken into the custody of the South Korean secret service while the American Embassy tries to prove her innocence from any espionage activity. Through the ordeal, their love for each other grows even as their faith is test. Can they trust God with all of their heart and soul?
HEART AND SEOUL, a Christian contemporary romance, is complete at 82,000 words. I am a member of the American Christian Fiction Writers and have been active in its critique groups since 2008.
Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work.
After praying the sinner’s prayer for the first time in her life, Melanie Hines doesn't feel right about sleeping with her boss anymore. She breaks up with Luke and accepts a six-month project in Seoul, Korea.
Brandon Stiegal, an international business consultant, is not amused at his client company's choice for the new system project leader. Despite his warning about the male-dominated business culture, the blond bombshell decides to stay and complete the project. Melanie's Iowa sweetness and admirable determination wins him over, and he wants to help her acclimate to Korea and keep her from stepping into any cultural potholes.
Luke might have sent her to Seoul as a punishment for breaking up with him, but Melanie intends to take full advantage of her stay by working hard and playing harder. As she clashes with the IT manager, Mr. Yee, who takes offence at a female project leader, Brandon is there to advise her. When she’s out at an exclusive night club with a wealthy young Korean man, Brandon cautions her. His uptight naggings should annoy her; instead her attraction for him intensifies.
Depressed about work and confused about her growing feelings for Brandon, she takes a weekend trip to China to do some sight-seeing and to get away from her problems. There, Melanie happens upon a North Korean restaurant, and out of curiosity, she enters, unaware of strange activities around her. When she returns to Seoul, a man in dark suit stalks her. The only person she can trust is Brandon.
The South Korean government suspects her of being a messenger for the North Korean spies. Brandon and Melanie flee to keep her from taken into the custody of the South Korean secret service while the American Embassy tries to prove her innocence from any espionage activity. Through the ordeal, their love for each other grows even as their faith is test. Can they trust God with all of their heart and soul?
HEART AND SEOUL, a Christian contemporary romance, is complete at 82,000 words. I am a member of the American Christian Fiction Writers and have been active in its critique groups since 2008.
Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work.
Query - Tremorgan's Gift
I am writing to you because your house has published fantasy novels such as the Ranger's Apprentice series. I think my book would be enjoyed by readers of John Flannagan and Christopher Paolini.
TREMORGAN'S GIFT is a fast paced YA fantasy novel, complete at 70,000 words, and the first in a series.
With his dying breath the King of Agoria gives his daughter TREMORGAN (protagonist) the Stone of Remembrance, urging her to guard it with her life. Their father brutally murdered and their mother missing, Tremorgan and her brother ALLARD flee for their lives, desperate to reach the sanctuary of the Temple of El-Osm. But when their rescuer is killed and Allard is kidnapped by bounty hunters keen to claim the monetary reward their father's murder has placed on his head, Tremorgan is determined to save him. Aided by a Palatine bodyguard and an eclectic host of mythical creatures, Tremorgan sets out to rescue her brother and unravel the mysterious magic of the Stone.
(note: in NZ we can approach publishers directly, hence my first paragraph)
TREMORGAN'S GIFT is a fast paced YA fantasy novel, complete at 70,000 words, and the first in a series.
With his dying breath the King of Agoria gives his daughter TREMORGAN (protagonist) the Stone of Remembrance, urging her to guard it with her life. Their father brutally murdered and their mother missing, Tremorgan and her brother ALLARD flee for their lives, desperate to reach the sanctuary of the Temple of El-Osm. But when their rescuer is killed and Allard is kidnapped by bounty hunters keen to claim the monetary reward their father's murder has placed on his head, Tremorgan is determined to save him. Aided by a Palatine bodyguard and an eclectic host of mythical creatures, Tremorgan sets out to rescue her brother and unravel the mysterious magic of the Stone.
(note: in NZ we can approach publishers directly, hence my first paragraph)
Nov 15, 2009
Query - BECOMING THEM
BECOMING THEM (121,000 words) is literary fiction.
In 1970 when Michael, a 26 year old American, wanders into an isolated valley in southeastern Europe, he believes he has only two problems: an abnormally thick-skinned face, leaving him expressionless, and an incomplete memory of the woman with whom he traveled over the preceding six months. He believes his face is likely a psychological condition rather than one of skin or muscle and embarks on a plan to soften it. Fingering through the broken images of his memory, Michael also finds a written invitation to rendezvous with the woman in two months time and is determined to be there.
In the town of Isti, Michael is welcomed and soon wants to become as they are: accepting, gregarious and communal. Yet he also learns of their secret three-hundred-year-old tradition, reenacted every fifty years, of sacrificing a newborn to live in the mountains and be raised by the previously sacrificed child, now grown. The townspeople of Isti are struggling with their tradition of sacrifice and debate whether to do it again. And if so, whose child to send. A benevolent Committee governs the town but as talk of democracy spreads through Eastern Europe in the late 1960s, Isti is not immune. Still, the townspeople are hesitant to take responsibility for a decision like this, preferring the safer course of following tradition, and their leaders.
BECOMING THEM is a far-fetched tale of sacrifices made to maintain membership in a group; of the unifying force of a well-kept secret; of change's flirtatious relationship with commitment; and of the townspeople's inability to see themselves as they truly are, insisting instead on seeing themselves as they hope to be.
Thanks for any comments.
In 1970 when Michael, a 26 year old American, wanders into an isolated valley in southeastern Europe, he believes he has only two problems: an abnormally thick-skinned face, leaving him expressionless, and an incomplete memory of the woman with whom he traveled over the preceding six months. He believes his face is likely a psychological condition rather than one of skin or muscle and embarks on a plan to soften it. Fingering through the broken images of his memory, Michael also finds a written invitation to rendezvous with the woman in two months time and is determined to be there.
In the town of Isti, Michael is welcomed and soon wants to become as they are: accepting, gregarious and communal. Yet he also learns of their secret three-hundred-year-old tradition, reenacted every fifty years, of sacrificing a newborn to live in the mountains and be raised by the previously sacrificed child, now grown. The townspeople of Isti are struggling with their tradition of sacrifice and debate whether to do it again. And if so, whose child to send. A benevolent Committee governs the town but as talk of democracy spreads through Eastern Europe in the late 1960s, Isti is not immune. Still, the townspeople are hesitant to take responsibility for a decision like this, preferring the safer course of following tradition, and their leaders.
BECOMING THEM is a far-fetched tale of sacrifices made to maintain membership in a group; of the unifying force of a well-kept secret; of change's flirtatious relationship with commitment; and of the townspeople's inability to see themselves as they truly are, insisting instead on seeing themselves as they hope to be.
Thanks for any comments.
Sample pages - In The Clouds - young adult
Sanity is overrated, and being followed everywhere by a forty-year old Algebra teacher surely wouldn't diminish my credibility as a member of the 'mentally stable,' except for the fact that I witnessed his death twenty-four hours ago.
"Mrs. Hendrix," I called to the dean. She was shuffling at top speed down the deserted hallway when I caught a glimpse of the back of her head. She turned quickly, her eyes darting around for the source beckoning her.
I ran past the long row of gray lockers.
"Miss Rollings, what are you going to tell her?" Schuster asked, his long legs easily keeping stride beside me.
I needed him to shut up before I went crazy. I screeched to a halt in front of the dean and she jumped when her eyes dropped down to see me standing right in front of her.
Her face relaxed into a small frown and she put a hand on my shoulder, "Jaycie, how are feeling today?"
The concern in her voice was the complete opposite of the sharp tone she had a couple days ago when I sat in her office accepting a handful of pink detention slips.
"Actually I wanted to ask you something." I had to catch my breath and force out a more casual tone, "I heard you tell Mrs. Lancer that I might be able to talk to someone about everything that happened."
She patted my shoulder and nodded her head, sympathetically, "The grief counselor."
"Yes." My eyes dropped to the floor.
"Of course, Jaycie. His name is Dr. Cooper and he's in room 312. You can go on up and I'll give him a call to let him know you're coming."
"Thanks." I finally lifted my eyes to meet hers.
She stepped closer and pulled me into a tight hug, my cheek pressed against her white blouse. She did this yesterday too. "Let me know if you need anything else Jaycie."
"Thanks, Mrs. Hendrix." She released me and I turned and headed up the empty staircase leading to the third floor.
"What exactly are you trying to accomplish?" Schuster asked in that sneering tone of his. The sound made the already churning acid in my stomach move like the washer's spin cycle.
"It's bad enough I had to listen to you all night. I haven't slept more than a few hours in two days. Can't you just shut up for five minutes?" I snapped. I couldn't look at him but I'm sure his face had that twisted angry, purple look to it.
Well, maybe not purple anymore.
I shook my head trying to focus on sanity. I needed sanity to get my questions answered. Otherwise who knows where I might end up? I knocked on the door of room 312.
"Come in," a man's voice called.
I opened the door and saw Dr. Cooper hanging up his phone. I stepped inside the small office. Too bad I couldn't slam the door in Schuster's face.
It wouldn't do any good.
"Have a seat Jaycie." Dr. Cooper pointed a hand at the empty chair across from his desk.
I didn't slam the door, but I did make sure it was securely closed before I sat down. The last thing I needed was to have an eye witness account of me being in this office. I'm sure there were already hundreds of rumors flying around after yesterday's big event.
"How are you feeling, Jaycie?"
Dr. Cooper looked pretty young, maybe thirty something. Younger people are usually more open-minded. Maybe he could handle something far-fetched.
More like something crazy.
"I'm okay, well actually I'm a little freaked."
He nodded like Hendrix did, the sympathy filling his eyes, "I can imagine. What was your relationship with Mr. Schuster?"
"He's been my Algebra teacher this year and I was supposed to serve detention with him before school for the next two weeks."
My eyes darted to Schuster. He was scanning the row of books on the shelf against the wall.
"So what did you want to talk about, Jacycie?"
I took a deep breath. I needed to start with something normal, "I feel terrible about what happened to him and he was angry with me and I . . ."
"You feel guilty, responsible," he guessed.
"Signs of schizophrenia usually manifest in the teen years. Why don't you go ahead and tell him everything." Schuster gave me his Doctor Evil smile, "This man is a waste of tax dollars."
I bit down hard on the inside of my cheek, forcing myself not to react, "Yeah I feel really guilty."
He reached across the desk and patted my hand, "It's survivors guilt. You did everything you could to help him."
"But going to his class today, it'll be so weird."
"Is that what's bothering you?" he asked.
I shook my head, dropping my eyes to my hands, "I keep thinking I'll see him again when I walk in the classroom. Does that ever happen?"
He released my hand and sat back in his chair, "Everyone who experiences death has that feeling of seeing the lost person again. Images or memories flood back."
"Like hearing them talk?" Uh oh, bad choice of words. I might as well have just admitted to hearing voices.
"Maybe, the full weight of death takes time to sink in. Part of your mind wants to put things back the way they were."
"What if I'm grieving so much that I can actually see Mr. Schuster, like in my bed room yelling at me to stop kicking the soccer ball against the wall?"
Verbal diarrhea rears its ugly head, and at the worst moment possible. Damn sleep deprivation!
He sat up straighter and narrowed his eyes, "Have you been sleeping much?"
"Actually I couldn't sleep at all last night," I admitted.
"Are you familiar with the word hallucination?" Dr. Cooper asked.
"You just earned yourself a ticket to the school psychologist, Miss Rollings. Can't say I didn't warn you," Schuster laughed and the sound echoed off the walls.
I wanted to scream loud enough to drown him out. I must be crazy, "Yes, I am."
"There are a number of reasons people see or hear things that aren't really there, lack of sleep being one of those. I'd like to set you up with an appointment with Mrs. Freeman. She's our school psychologist."
I groaned, but didn't protest. Maybe it was a good idea.
"Getting help during a difficult time is nothing to be ashamed of, Jaycie. I'll talk to Mrs. Freeman and see what she has available."
"Do you think I could go home and get some sleep maybe and try and talk to her tomorrow? I'm already feeling a little better."
He beamed obviously pleased he was able to help me, "Of course. You should definitely try and get some sleep."
I left his office with a polite goodbye and headed quickly down the steps and crawled underneath the stair case on the second floor. It was my favorite hiding place and I couldn't go home to my big empty house with Schuster in tow. It was less eerie being surrounded by people, even in hiding at least I knew they were there.
Matt must be worried about me. I hated to freak him out after he was so great yesterday. But I didn't want him to see me like this. I huddled with my knees to my chest and pulled out my phone to send him a text.
"Forgot I had a dentist appointment. Be in before lunch."
"I warned you about saying anything to Dr. Cooper," Schuster ranted on. I could see his giant feet pacing back and forth in front of the staircase, "You would never listen to a teacher would you Miss Rollings? Of course not. With that thick skull of yours I'm surprised you can make it through an entire school day without a handful of detentions."
I couldn't.
Maybe this was my punishment for being such an academic loser. The past two days my life had taken a small turn for the positive. I got a taste of success, but it was wrong to claim honesty when several incidents of lying and cheating were involved.
Was this really what I deserved? Watching a man die right in front of my eyes, and being condemned to have that man's voice ringing in my ears.
I was there when it happened, the only one in the room. I shouldn't have been there. If I just let things go like usual and not allowed Matt to help, I wouldn't have been there that morning. Three days ago I was dreading walking in to this school building and facing Schuster alive, but now I would take that day over this one in a heartbeat.
Everything started Monday morning. I should have pulled the covers over my head and never left my bedroom.
"Mrs. Hendrix," I called to the dean. She was shuffling at top speed down the deserted hallway when I caught a glimpse of the back of her head. She turned quickly, her eyes darting around for the source beckoning her.
I ran past the long row of gray lockers.
"Miss Rollings, what are you going to tell her?" Schuster asked, his long legs easily keeping stride beside me.
I needed him to shut up before I went crazy. I screeched to a halt in front of the dean and she jumped when her eyes dropped down to see me standing right in front of her.
Her face relaxed into a small frown and she put a hand on my shoulder, "Jaycie, how are feeling today?"
The concern in her voice was the complete opposite of the sharp tone she had a couple days ago when I sat in her office accepting a handful of pink detention slips.
"Actually I wanted to ask you something." I had to catch my breath and force out a more casual tone, "I heard you tell Mrs. Lancer that I might be able to talk to someone about everything that happened."
She patted my shoulder and nodded her head, sympathetically, "The grief counselor."
"Yes." My eyes dropped to the floor.
"Of course, Jaycie. His name is Dr. Cooper and he's in room 312. You can go on up and I'll give him a call to let him know you're coming."
"Thanks." I finally lifted my eyes to meet hers.
She stepped closer and pulled me into a tight hug, my cheek pressed against her white blouse. She did this yesterday too. "Let me know if you need anything else Jaycie."
"Thanks, Mrs. Hendrix." She released me and I turned and headed up the empty staircase leading to the third floor.
"What exactly are you trying to accomplish?" Schuster asked in that sneering tone of his. The sound made the already churning acid in my stomach move like the washer's spin cycle.
"It's bad enough I had to listen to you all night. I haven't slept more than a few hours in two days. Can't you just shut up for five minutes?" I snapped. I couldn't look at him but I'm sure his face had that twisted angry, purple look to it.
Well, maybe not purple anymore.
I shook my head trying to focus on sanity. I needed sanity to get my questions answered. Otherwise who knows where I might end up? I knocked on the door of room 312.
"Come in," a man's voice called.
I opened the door and saw Dr. Cooper hanging up his phone. I stepped inside the small office. Too bad I couldn't slam the door in Schuster's face.
It wouldn't do any good.
"Have a seat Jaycie." Dr. Cooper pointed a hand at the empty chair across from his desk.
I didn't slam the door, but I did make sure it was securely closed before I sat down. The last thing I needed was to have an eye witness account of me being in this office. I'm sure there were already hundreds of rumors flying around after yesterday's big event.
"How are you feeling, Jaycie?"
Dr. Cooper looked pretty young, maybe thirty something. Younger people are usually more open-minded. Maybe he could handle something far-fetched.
More like something crazy.
"I'm okay, well actually I'm a little freaked."
He nodded like Hendrix did, the sympathy filling his eyes, "I can imagine. What was your relationship with Mr. Schuster?"
"He's been my Algebra teacher this year and I was supposed to serve detention with him before school for the next two weeks."
My eyes darted to Schuster. He was scanning the row of books on the shelf against the wall.
"So what did you want to talk about, Jacycie?"
I took a deep breath. I needed to start with something normal, "I feel terrible about what happened to him and he was angry with me and I . . ."
"You feel guilty, responsible," he guessed.
"Signs of schizophrenia usually manifest in the teen years. Why don't you go ahead and tell him everything." Schuster gave me his Doctor Evil smile, "This man is a waste of tax dollars."
I bit down hard on the inside of my cheek, forcing myself not to react, "Yeah I feel really guilty."
He reached across the desk and patted my hand, "It's survivors guilt. You did everything you could to help him."
"But going to his class today, it'll be so weird."
"Is that what's bothering you?" he asked.
I shook my head, dropping my eyes to my hands, "I keep thinking I'll see him again when I walk in the classroom. Does that ever happen?"
He released my hand and sat back in his chair, "Everyone who experiences death has that feeling of seeing the lost person again. Images or memories flood back."
"Like hearing them talk?" Uh oh, bad choice of words. I might as well have just admitted to hearing voices.
"Maybe, the full weight of death takes time to sink in. Part of your mind wants to put things back the way they were."
"What if I'm grieving so much that I can actually see Mr. Schuster, like in my bed room yelling at me to stop kicking the soccer ball against the wall?"
Verbal diarrhea rears its ugly head, and at the worst moment possible. Damn sleep deprivation!
He sat up straighter and narrowed his eyes, "Have you been sleeping much?"
"Actually I couldn't sleep at all last night," I admitted.
"Are you familiar with the word hallucination?" Dr. Cooper asked.
"You just earned yourself a ticket to the school psychologist, Miss Rollings. Can't say I didn't warn you," Schuster laughed and the sound echoed off the walls.
I wanted to scream loud enough to drown him out. I must be crazy, "Yes, I am."
"There are a number of reasons people see or hear things that aren't really there, lack of sleep being one of those. I'd like to set you up with an appointment with Mrs. Freeman. She's our school psychologist."
I groaned, but didn't protest. Maybe it was a good idea.
"Getting help during a difficult time is nothing to be ashamed of, Jaycie. I'll talk to Mrs. Freeman and see what she has available."
"Do you think I could go home and get some sleep maybe and try and talk to her tomorrow? I'm already feeling a little better."
He beamed obviously pleased he was able to help me, "Of course. You should definitely try and get some sleep."
I left his office with a polite goodbye and headed quickly down the steps and crawled underneath the stair case on the second floor. It was my favorite hiding place and I couldn't go home to my big empty house with Schuster in tow. It was less eerie being surrounded by people, even in hiding at least I knew they were there.
Matt must be worried about me. I hated to freak him out after he was so great yesterday. But I didn't want him to see me like this. I huddled with my knees to my chest and pulled out my phone to send him a text.
"Forgot I had a dentist appointment. Be in before lunch."
"I warned you about saying anything to Dr. Cooper," Schuster ranted on. I could see his giant feet pacing back and forth in front of the staircase, "You would never listen to a teacher would you Miss Rollings? Of course not. With that thick skull of yours I'm surprised you can make it through an entire school day without a handful of detentions."
I couldn't.
Maybe this was my punishment for being such an academic loser. The past two days my life had taken a small turn for the positive. I got a taste of success, but it was wrong to claim honesty when several incidents of lying and cheating were involved.
Was this really what I deserved? Watching a man die right in front of my eyes, and being condemned to have that man's voice ringing in my ears.
I was there when it happened, the only one in the room. I shouldn't have been there. If I just let things go like usual and not allowed Matt to help, I wouldn't have been there that morning. Three days ago I was dreading walking in to this school building and facing Schuster alive, but now I would take that day over this one in a heartbeat.
Everything started Monday morning. I should have pulled the covers over my head and never left my bedroom.
Fiction Query - Matriarch of Ruins
When Enoch Gamble returns home from war, it is to one of the coldest winters in memory. His body lies in the front parlor two days while his grave is dug in the frozen earth. Months later, Purdy is still grieving his loss when their oldest daughter Hannah refuses to give up her own dead baby. With her sister near catatonic and her mother talking to her dead father for advice, Loli has her own crisis as the homestead is overrun by rebel soldiers intent on using it for a hospital. In the several days that follow, Purdy Gamble will lose everything—except her love of the best man she ever knew. Hannah will search the countryside for the father of her dead baby—and gain an understanding of suffering she could never have imagined. Loli, the youngest, will discover a truth about her father—one even her mother never understood.
THE MATRIARCH OF RUINS is a historical novel, an unflinching but humanistic look at the aftermath of a major fictitious battle (think Gettysburg) during the Civil War. It is a story at once surreal and tragic, intensely human, and wrought in a voice both literary and evocative of the era. Portions of the story are set in a battlefield hospital and the descriptions of surgery and its aftercare—realistic, compelling, and dramatic—add a unique twist to the storyline that will engross anyone interested in today’s true-life medical dramas. The viewpoint is that of the common people (there are no grand historical figures here) with three of the central characters female. It is written in close third person, past tense, and the length is 106,500 words.
David Poyer, best selling author of twenty-seven novels including the Civil War novels THAT ANVIL OF OUR SOULS and A COUNTRY OF OUR OWN read a recent draft and offered this: “An evocative and at times even startling new voice in the literature of the Civil War. Realistic, compelling, and agonizing, THE MATRIARCH OF RUINS is like stepping through a time machine into the most tumultuous era of America’s past.”
My short story AN ENDLESS ARRAY OF BROKEN MEN appeared in Paradox Magazine in 2003 and received honorable mention in the Seventeenth Annual Collection of Year’s Best Fantasy & Horror, edited by Ellen Datlow. As a Stanford graduate and a neurosurgeon in particular, I pride myself on being disciplined, meticulous, well researched, and thorough. These traits stand me in good stead in my writing as well.
I would be happy to forward the manuscript to you, either via e-mail or snail mail. Thank you for your time and attention. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
THE MATRIARCH OF RUINS is a historical novel, an unflinching but humanistic look at the aftermath of a major fictitious battle (think Gettysburg) during the Civil War. It is a story at once surreal and tragic, intensely human, and wrought in a voice both literary and evocative of the era. Portions of the story are set in a battlefield hospital and the descriptions of surgery and its aftercare—realistic, compelling, and dramatic—add a unique twist to the storyline that will engross anyone interested in today’s true-life medical dramas. The viewpoint is that of the common people (there are no grand historical figures here) with three of the central characters female. It is written in close third person, past tense, and the length is 106,500 words.
David Poyer, best selling author of twenty-seven novels including the Civil War novels THAT ANVIL OF OUR SOULS and A COUNTRY OF OUR OWN read a recent draft and offered this: “An evocative and at times even startling new voice in the literature of the Civil War. Realistic, compelling, and agonizing, THE MATRIARCH OF RUINS is like stepping through a time machine into the most tumultuous era of America’s past.”
My short story AN ENDLESS ARRAY OF BROKEN MEN appeared in Paradox Magazine in 2003 and received honorable mention in the Seventeenth Annual Collection of Year’s Best Fantasy & Horror, edited by Ellen Datlow. As a Stanford graduate and a neurosurgeon in particular, I pride myself on being disciplined, meticulous, well researched, and thorough. These traits stand me in good stead in my writing as well.
I would be happy to forward the manuscript to you, either via e-mail or snail mail. Thank you for your time and attention. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Nov 14, 2009
Sample pages: Soldier, Sage, and Vagabond
Click here to read the query.
Janto was invisible. Though he judged the incoming volley would miss, he ducked behind his pavise--no sense taking chances. Ahead of him on the mountain path, the arrows smacked like hailstones against the cliff face and rebounded, spinning, into the chasm below.
The volley was over. Behind him, his soldiers emerged from their own shields. Janto looked them over, ascertaining by the faint shimmer in the air that they were still hidden by his invisibility shroud. He resumed marching on the narrow ledge, and his soldiers trailed after him. He was proud of them, his motley assortment of bel-caste and ur-caste men. Normally the castes did not mix, but the war and his people's dwindling numbers had necessitated change. Progress. He grimaced at the irony.
The cannons were falling behind, so he slowed to let them catch up and glanced over the cliff edge at the beach below. The enemy encampments and fortifications were a depressing sight. The Kjallans' numbers never seemed to diminish. For all his people thinned them, more arrived by ship. He spotted the Kjallan bowmen. They were spelling fresh arrows, magically enhancing their power and speed. They couldn't see Janto and his men, nor the horses or cannons, since he'd hidden them beneath the shroud. But they knew he was up here, and what they lacked in accuracy, they made up for in volume.
Sashi, the ferret who rode upon Janto's shoulder, stared down at them. His hackles went up. Kill, he growled over the avatar-link.
Soon, replied Janto. Ahead, the ledge widened, and they would be able to turn the cannons and fire.
He did not share Sashi's love for war. A year ago--had it been only a year?--he'd been quietly studying statecraft and languages. If he were to go back in time and tell his younger self he would one day be at the head of a war band, his younger self would have scoffed. My little brother, maybe, his younger self would say. Kal is suited for war--not me. But then the Kjallans had invaded, and everything had changed. Janto's shroud-magic was rare and valuable. He could hardly squirrel himself away in the Mosari palace while his people died, just because soldiering did not come naturally to him.
"Volley!" cried one of the men.
Janto raised his head. The incoming flight was better aimed than the first. He ducked behind his pavise and pressed himself against the cliff face, curling up to expose as little of himself as possible. All around him, arrows thwacked against stone. One fell on the ledge by his foot. Its outlines crackled purple as the remnants of its spell dissipated.
A horse screamed. Janto poked his head out from behind his shield.
An arrow protruded from the horse's flank. The panicked animal plunged and kicked, slamming into its harness-mate. It ripped the lead rope out of the hands of the soldier who held it.
"Malaki, catch him!" cried Janto. The volley had ended, but the danger had not. The rear wheel of the team's caisson had backed over the edge of the cliff. If it went much further, the caisson would fall, taking limber and both horses with it.
The lead rope whipped about Malaki's head. He caught it, wrapped it around his wrist, and pulled, trying to drag the crazed animal away from the cliff. But the horse set itself back on its haunches. The wheel slipped farther, and in a terrible cacophony of screams and groaning metal, the caisson and limber disappeared over the edge, followed by the horses, and then Malaki.
Janto gaped at the empty space where they'd been. He felt for their presence with his magic. The horses and caisson had left the range of his invisibility shroud, but Malaki had not.
Janto ran to the cliff edge and peered over. Thank the gods--Malaki had caught himself on a narrow ledge a short ways down, where he clung to an outcropping of rock. Far below, the horse and cannon lay in a tangled heap, half-hidden in a rising cloud of dust.
Malaki's face was pale with terror. "Jan-Torres," he pleaded. "Your Highness. Help me!"
Janto was invisible. Though he judged the incoming volley would miss, he ducked behind his pavise--no sense taking chances. Ahead of him on the mountain path, the arrows smacked like hailstones against the cliff face and rebounded, spinning, into the chasm below.
The volley was over. Behind him, his soldiers emerged from their own shields. Janto looked them over, ascertaining by the faint shimmer in the air that they were still hidden by his invisibility shroud. He resumed marching on the narrow ledge, and his soldiers trailed after him. He was proud of them, his motley assortment of bel-caste and ur-caste men. Normally the castes did not mix, but the war and his people's dwindling numbers had necessitated change. Progress. He grimaced at the irony.
The cannons were falling behind, so he slowed to let them catch up and glanced over the cliff edge at the beach below. The enemy encampments and fortifications were a depressing sight. The Kjallans' numbers never seemed to diminish. For all his people thinned them, more arrived by ship. He spotted the Kjallan bowmen. They were spelling fresh arrows, magically enhancing their power and speed. They couldn't see Janto and his men, nor the horses or cannons, since he'd hidden them beneath the shroud. But they knew he was up here, and what they lacked in accuracy, they made up for in volume.
Sashi, the ferret who rode upon Janto's shoulder, stared down at them. His hackles went up. Kill, he growled over the avatar-link.
Soon, replied Janto. Ahead, the ledge widened, and they would be able to turn the cannons and fire.
He did not share Sashi's love for war. A year ago--had it been only a year?--he'd been quietly studying statecraft and languages. If he were to go back in time and tell his younger self he would one day be at the head of a war band, his younger self would have scoffed. My little brother, maybe, his younger self would say. Kal is suited for war--not me. But then the Kjallans had invaded, and everything had changed. Janto's shroud-magic was rare and valuable. He could hardly squirrel himself away in the Mosari palace while his people died, just because soldiering did not come naturally to him.
"Volley!" cried one of the men.
Janto raised his head. The incoming flight was better aimed than the first. He ducked behind his pavise and pressed himself against the cliff face, curling up to expose as little of himself as possible. All around him, arrows thwacked against stone. One fell on the ledge by his foot. Its outlines crackled purple as the remnants of its spell dissipated.
A horse screamed. Janto poked his head out from behind his shield.
An arrow protruded from the horse's flank. The panicked animal plunged and kicked, slamming into its harness-mate. It ripped the lead rope out of the hands of the soldier who held it.
"Malaki, catch him!" cried Janto. The volley had ended, but the danger had not. The rear wheel of the team's caisson had backed over the edge of the cliff. If it went much further, the caisson would fall, taking limber and both horses with it.
The lead rope whipped about Malaki's head. He caught it, wrapped it around his wrist, and pulled, trying to drag the crazed animal away from the cliff. But the horse set itself back on its haunches. The wheel slipped farther, and in a terrible cacophony of screams and groaning metal, the caisson and limber disappeared over the edge, followed by the horses, and then Malaki.
Janto gaped at the empty space where they'd been. He felt for their presence with his magic. The horses and caisson had left the range of his invisibility shroud, but Malaki had not.
Janto ran to the cliff edge and peered over. Thank the gods--Malaki had caught himself on a narrow ledge a short ways down, where he clung to an outcropping of rock. Far below, the horse and cannon lay in a tangled heap, half-hidden in a rising cloud of dust.
Malaki's face was pale with terror. "Jan-Torres," he pleaded. "Your Highness. Help me!"
Nov 12, 2009
QUERY- COOMBE'S WOOD (Revision 1)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Sir or Madam,
I would like to submit for your consideration COOMBE’S WOOD, a horror novel of 67,000 words.
Izzy Santana and her 13-year-old son Connor move into a Council-provided flat in the sleepy village of Cedham. Locals darkly warn her to stay away from nearby Coombe’s Wood, hinting at ludicrous superstitions. But Izzy is so delighted to have found a haven for her son – after escaping her sadistic ex-partner George – that she takes little notice. Then a slit rabbit turns up on her doorstep, along with a distinctive cigarette butt, and she knows George has found her. What Izzy needs to do is protect Connor. She has already started to uncover the ancient secrets of the village, and now she works out the perfect way to get rid of George… for good.
I have been writing seriously for several years. Coombe’s Wood was runner-up in YouWriteOn.com’s 2008 Book of the Year Award and a semi-finalist in the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award. An early novel of mine, The Crocodile, was short listed in the Undiscovered Authors 2006 competition. I have several other complete novels that are still in their first draft, and consider myself an author of the thriller and gothic horror genres.
Dear Sir or Madam,
I would like to submit for your consideration COOMBE’S WOOD, a horror novel of 67,000 words.
Izzy Santana and her 13-year-old son Connor move into a Council-provided flat in the sleepy village of Cedham. Locals darkly warn her to stay away from nearby Coombe’s Wood, hinting at ludicrous superstitions. But Izzy is so delighted to have found a haven for her son – after escaping her sadistic ex-partner George – that she takes little notice. Then a slit rabbit turns up on her doorstep, along with a distinctive cigarette butt, and she knows George has found her. What Izzy needs to do is protect Connor. She has already started to uncover the ancient secrets of the village, and now she works out the perfect way to get rid of George… for good.
I have been writing seriously for several years. Coombe’s Wood was runner-up in YouWriteOn.com’s 2008 Book of the Year Award and a semi-finalist in the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award. An early novel of mine, The Crocodile, was short listed in the Undiscovered Authors 2006 competition. I have several other complete novels that are still in their first draft, and consider myself an author of the thriller and gothic horror genres.
Query: 7 Days to Redemption
When his family is killed in a tragic accident, Pastor Nathan Hanlin turns away from his faith believing that God has turned His back on him. But as the balance of power between good and evil shifts in the small town of Somerville, Nathan realizes his crisis of faith may be to blame for the demonic activity that has been happening all too often lately.
Old journals meant as guides by the previous church pastors reveal the secret to Somerville; the town was established as a refuge for ostracized Christians. Nathan’s denial of God has fractured the protective shield placed on the town. As the cracks widen, the demonic episodes become more frequent, and Nathan realizes he needs to step up and become the man of God his town needs him to be.
As Nathan stands firm, willing to return to his roots, he finds a truth that could destroy him. He must decide whether to look past hurts and recommit to his faith, or turn his back on God for good and allow the darkness to prevail.
7 Days to Redemption is a spiritual thriller complete at 75,000 words.
I won the 2005 Word Alive Publishing Contest for my novel Once Upon A Dream and I hold a degree in theology.
Old journals meant as guides by the previous church pastors reveal the secret to Somerville; the town was established as a refuge for ostracized Christians. Nathan’s denial of God has fractured the protective shield placed on the town. As the cracks widen, the demonic episodes become more frequent, and Nathan realizes he needs to step up and become the man of God his town needs him to be.
As Nathan stands firm, willing to return to his roots, he finds a truth that could destroy him. He must decide whether to look past hurts and recommit to his faith, or turn his back on God for good and allow the darkness to prevail.
7 Days to Redemption is a spiritual thriller complete at 75,000 words.
I won the 2005 Word Alive Publishing Contest for my novel Once Upon A Dream and I hold a degree in theology.
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