A revision of this query has been posted. Click here to read it.
Dear Sir or Madam,
I would like to submit for your consideration COOMBE’S WOOD, a horror novel of 67,000 words.
Izzy Santana and her 13-year-old son Connor move into a Reading Council-provided flat in the sleepy village of Cedham. Locals darkly warn her to stay away from nearby Coombe’s Wood, hinting first at elves(!), then at multiple murders… which may or may not have taken place in the woods hundreds of years ago. It’s all ludicrously superstitious, and Izzy is so delighted to have found a haven for her son – after escaping her sadistic ex-partner George – that she takes little notice.
She meets a neighbour who seems kindly, if a trifle fey, and who takes a great interest in her son. Connor seems instantly comfortable with him. She begins to feel as if she is also falling under his spell. But Connor is bullied at school, and one night she finds herself tracking those bullies in the wood, where she believes they are waiting for him. She doesn’t find them, but something closes in on her – something that sounds like a savage animal. As she runs she realises she may have been set up – or Connor was – to be caught by whatever the animal was. She strengthens the barricades in her flat, no longer puts all the local tales about ‘danger in them woods’ down to superstition, and even begins to wonder about the way she was selected by the Reading Council officer to live in the village in the first place. It couldn’t be something to do with her odd, long-vanished husband, Connor’s father, who came from this area… could it?
Then a slit rabbit turns up on her doorstep, along with a distinctive cigarette butt, and she knows George has found her. Desperately compassionate, her neighbour calls the police, who turn up next day, harumph the ceiling, and take the attitude: You’ve not been attacked, then, Miss? You haven’t actually seen him? Why, if your ex-lover has tracked you down, do you suppose he would he dump a rabbit at your door…? Her own question, more urgent, is: if George can get in the front door of the building, can he get into her flat?
What Izzy needs to do is protect Connor. She has already started to uncover the ancient secrets of the village, and now she works out the perfect way to get rid of George… for good.
Coombe’s Wood was runner-up in YouWriteOn.com’s 2008 Book of the Year Award and a semi-finalist in the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award. An early novel of mine, The Crocodile, was short listed in the Undiscovered Authors 2006 competition. I also have short stories in various anthologies including the UKAuthors Anthologies, La Fenetre, Spinetinglers 2009 Anthology, and e-zine Literary Magic. I have several other complete novels that are still in their first draft, and consider myself an author of the thriller and gothic horror genres.
I was born in Portsmouth in 1971, and grew up in England, Scotland, Portugal and America. After winning a scholarship to The American College in London I graduated with a BA in Interior Design, although I now work as an architectural technician.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Kind regards,
Nov 11, 2009
QUERY - HEART IN SEOUL
Melanie Hines doesn't expect drastic changes in her life after just one private prayer. But suddenly, sleeping with her boss, Luke, doesn't seem right anymore. She breaks up with him and accepts a six-month project in Seoul, Korea. Once in Seoul, however, Melanie discovers Luke left out one tiny detail: the male-dominated business culture frowns upon a young female system project leader.
Brandon Stiegal, an international business consultant, is not amused at his client company's choice for the new system project leader. But Melanie's Iowa sweetness and admirable determination to stay and conquer her challenges hooks his heart to cheer her along and mentor her in any way he could. Only, the blond bombshell is too smart for her own good, doesn't always do as he advises, and gets tangled up in an international espionage case. Brandon risks his reputation and his life to save hers, and he would do it all over again if only he could win her whole heart.
The more she sees Brandon's faith, it creates longing in Melanie's soul. But living out her faith isn't easy when she's arguing with an unreasonable IT manager, or hanging out at an exclusive night club with her new wealthy friend, or running for her life from the Korean secret service, or falling head over heels in love with Brandon. Through it all, God's quiet whispers pursue her until the desire of her heart stands against the longing of her soul. She must choose one and sacrifice the other.
HEART IN SEOUL, a Christian contemporary romance, is complete at 82,000 words. I am a member of the American Christian Fiction Writers and have been active in its critique groups since 2008.
Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work.
Brandon Stiegal, an international business consultant, is not amused at his client company's choice for the new system project leader. But Melanie's Iowa sweetness and admirable determination to stay and conquer her challenges hooks his heart to cheer her along and mentor her in any way he could. Only, the blond bombshell is too smart for her own good, doesn't always do as he advises, and gets tangled up in an international espionage case. Brandon risks his reputation and his life to save hers, and he would do it all over again if only he could win her whole heart.
The more she sees Brandon's faith, it creates longing in Melanie's soul. But living out her faith isn't easy when she's arguing with an unreasonable IT manager, or hanging out at an exclusive night club with her new wealthy friend, or running for her life from the Korean secret service, or falling head over heels in love with Brandon. Through it all, God's quiet whispers pursue her until the desire of her heart stands against the longing of her soul. She must choose one and sacrifice the other.
HEART IN SEOUL, a Christian contemporary romance, is complete at 82,000 words. I am a member of the American Christian Fiction Writers and have been active in its critique groups since 2008.
Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work.
Nov 10, 2009
An Award Winning Blog
Slushpile follower / submitter / commentor Stephanie Damore honored the Public Query Slushpile with an "Honest Scrap" award because this blog tells it like it is and commentors are honest about their feelings.
However, I can't accept this award for myself because I'm just the moderator. I'm not even the most frequent commentor. The foundations of this blog - and the most deserving recipients of said award - are the wonderful people who share their queries and their feedback so readily (NOTE: insert Group Hug here).
I'm not going to follow all the award rules and post the logo, nominate other blogs, etc. I do think this is a great opportunity to thank you all for the time spent here, though. We are all part of A Good Thing.
Good luck with your writing, and Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and joyous seasonal celebrations for all other denominations that I am ignorant of and/or too lazy to mention...
However, I can't accept this award for myself because I'm just the moderator. I'm not even the most frequent commentor. The foundations of this blog - and the most deserving recipients of said award - are the wonderful people who share their queries and their feedback so readily (NOTE: insert Group Hug here).
I'm not going to follow all the award rules and post the logo, nominate other blogs, etc. I do think this is a great opportunity to thank you all for the time spent here, though. We are all part of A Good Thing.
Good luck with your writing, and Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and joyous seasonal celebrations for all other denominations that I am ignorant of and/or too lazy to mention...
Nov 9, 2009
Sample Pages- THE UNCOMMON ONE
Click here to read the revised query.
CHAPTER 1
Sarah drove into the parking
garage and smiled when she found an empty space next to the Bumblebee. It wasn’t a real bumblebee, just her nickname for the bright yellow SUV with the black bumpers that always seemed to be there. Something she could count on.
There weren’t many cars around and looking at her watch, she saw it was a little after seven-thirty. In all her excitement of preparing for work, she arrived earlier than usual.
Mondays. How she loved them. It was the beginning of a nice long week. Of course, she loved every weekday. They kept her busy and surrounded her with people. Weekends were not her favorite days. There was too much time to dwell on her loneliness.
When she got out of her car, the January air slapped her in the face and she huddled inside her white coat. Even the garage got cold in the winter. If it weren’t for her only friend, Lori, she might have moved someplace warmer. Then again, maybe not. It wasn’t like she was adventurous.
She locked the doors, and headed for the elevators.
“Miss!” someone yelled behind her.
She turned around and saw a man running up to her. “Are you calling me?” she asked.
“Yes. I think you dropped this,” he said, showing her a hankie.
He was cute in a preppy kind of way, with neatly combed dark hair and brown puppy dog eyes. She looked at his hand and shook her head. “Nope, sorry. Not mine. Someone else must have dropped it.”
“Oh. I could have sworn it was you. My mistake, I’m sorry.”
She smiled at him, “No harm done. You’re forgiven.” She then continued on to the elevators.
He caught up to her. “I don’t think I’ve seen you here before. Have you worked here long?”
He looked her over and she could have sworn he licked his lips. He was making her nervous, but then most men who approached her did. She continued to smile at him anyway. She never could get the hang of turning someone away and always found herself continuing a conversation she wished would never start. “Not long, a few months,” she said.
Two other people came to stand by the elevators, waiting, and it made Sarah feel a little better. Safety in numbers. When the elevator car arrived, she entered and punched her floor then saw he punched the floor above. The others punched the floor below her. She maneuvered herself so she wouldn’t have to stand near him. When the doors opened to let the first passengers off, she was tempted to get off, too, but realized how silly that would look.
As soon the doors closed, he walked over and offered his hand. “My name is Brian.”
She ignored him. Heart hammering in her chest, her eyes never left the door of the elevator.
“Ah, come on. Don’t leave me hanging. How am I supposed to ask you out if I don’t know your name?”
The door opened and she exited, but held it open. She turned to face him. In the calmest voice she could muster she said, “I’m sorry Brian. I’m not comfortable going out with strangers.” She then let the door close.
Once he was out of sight, Sarah was able to relax. The guy was cute, but he gave her the creeps. She hoped the rest of the day turned out better than it started.
By seven p.m., she was ready to leave for home. The day turned out better than she imagined. She didn’t have a single solitary minute to herself and that suited her just fine. Being one of the few employees who took late clients, she was one of the last to leave for the day. Maybe she was a workaholic, but what else was there?
The elevator opened to the garage and it was deserted. Very few cars remained, but her Bumblebee was still there. Whoever owned it must work longer than she did. It was there every morning when she arrived and every night when she left. Digging in her purse to fetch her keys, she never heard anything out of the ordinary until someone grabbed her from behind, placing a wet mask over her face. She instinctively struggled against her abductor, but once she inhaled the sweet scent, her movements weakened and her world went dark.
CHAPTER 1
Sarah drove into the parking
garage and smiled when she found an empty space next to the Bumblebee. It wasn’t a real bumblebee, just her nickname for the bright yellow SUV with the black bumpers that always seemed to be there. Something she could count on.
There weren’t many cars around and looking at her watch, she saw it was a little after seven-thirty. In all her excitement of preparing for work, she arrived earlier than usual.
Mondays. How she loved them. It was the beginning of a nice long week. Of course, she loved every weekday. They kept her busy and surrounded her with people. Weekends were not her favorite days. There was too much time to dwell on her loneliness.
When she got out of her car, the January air slapped her in the face and she huddled inside her white coat. Even the garage got cold in the winter. If it weren’t for her only friend, Lori, she might have moved someplace warmer. Then again, maybe not. It wasn’t like she was adventurous.
She locked the doors, and headed for the elevators.
“Miss!” someone yelled behind her.
She turned around and saw a man running up to her. “Are you calling me?” she asked.
“Yes. I think you dropped this,” he said, showing her a hankie.
He was cute in a preppy kind of way, with neatly combed dark hair and brown puppy dog eyes. She looked at his hand and shook her head. “Nope, sorry. Not mine. Someone else must have dropped it.”
“Oh. I could have sworn it was you. My mistake, I’m sorry.”
She smiled at him, “No harm done. You’re forgiven.” She then continued on to the elevators.
He caught up to her. “I don’t think I’ve seen you here before. Have you worked here long?”
He looked her over and she could have sworn he licked his lips. He was making her nervous, but then most men who approached her did. She continued to smile at him anyway. She never could get the hang of turning someone away and always found herself continuing a conversation she wished would never start. “Not long, a few months,” she said.
Two other people came to stand by the elevators, waiting, and it made Sarah feel a little better. Safety in numbers. When the elevator car arrived, she entered and punched her floor then saw he punched the floor above. The others punched the floor below her. She maneuvered herself so she wouldn’t have to stand near him. When the doors opened to let the first passengers off, she was tempted to get off, too, but realized how silly that would look.
As soon the doors closed, he walked over and offered his hand. “My name is Brian.”
She ignored him. Heart hammering in her chest, her eyes never left the door of the elevator.
“Ah, come on. Don’t leave me hanging. How am I supposed to ask you out if I don’t know your name?”
The door opened and she exited, but held it open. She turned to face him. In the calmest voice she could muster she said, “I’m sorry Brian. I’m not comfortable going out with strangers.” She then let the door close.
Once he was out of sight, Sarah was able to relax. The guy was cute, but he gave her the creeps. She hoped the rest of the day turned out better than it started.
By seven p.m., she was ready to leave for home. The day turned out better than she imagined. She didn’t have a single solitary minute to herself and that suited her just fine. Being one of the few employees who took late clients, she was one of the last to leave for the day. Maybe she was a workaholic, but what else was there?
The elevator opened to the garage and it was deserted. Very few cars remained, but her Bumblebee was still there. Whoever owned it must work longer than she did. It was there every morning when she arrived and every night when she left. Digging in her purse to fetch her keys, she never heard anything out of the ordinary until someone grabbed her from behind, placing a wet mask over her face. She instinctively struggled against her abductor, but once she inhaled the sweet scent, her movements weakened and her world went dark.
REVISED QUERY - THE UNCOMMON ONE
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the sample pages.
Dear [Agent name],
There is a myth among vampires about a rare human called An Uncommon One; an alluring human that cannot be read or controlled by any vampire – a perfect mate. Vampire John Pennington has not heard of this myth. When he saves Sarah Daugherty from the hands of a serial killer and finds himself mysteriously drawn to her, he’s bewildered. With one touch, a wonderful rush of warmth spreads throughout his body, warmth he hasn’t felt since he turned. But vampires don’t mingle with humans and he leaves her without any knowledge of him or his deed, thinking that would be the end of it. It isn’t until a chance meeting that John decides to risk a relationship, even when he’s confused as to why he can’t read her thoughts; for Sarah fills a hole in his life he didn’t know existed.
As John falls in love with Sarah, his secret becomes harder to keep. And when a sadistic vampire appears to be behind the attacks against her, he must decide what is more important: lie and hope she never finds out or reveal all and risk losing her forever.
THE UNCOMMON ONE is a paranormal romance novel complete at 109,000 words. The first chapter follows.
Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Stacy McKitrick
Click here to read the sample pages.
Dear [Agent name],
There is a myth among vampires about a rare human called An Uncommon One; an alluring human that cannot be read or controlled by any vampire – a perfect mate. Vampire John Pennington has not heard of this myth. When he saves Sarah Daugherty from the hands of a serial killer and finds himself mysteriously drawn to her, he’s bewildered. With one touch, a wonderful rush of warmth spreads throughout his body, warmth he hasn’t felt since he turned. But vampires don’t mingle with humans and he leaves her without any knowledge of him or his deed, thinking that would be the end of it. It isn’t until a chance meeting that John decides to risk a relationship, even when he’s confused as to why he can’t read her thoughts; for Sarah fills a hole in his life he didn’t know existed.
As John falls in love with Sarah, his secret becomes harder to keep. And when a sadistic vampire appears to be behind the attacks against her, he must decide what is more important: lie and hope she never finds out or reveal all and risk losing her forever.
THE UNCOMMON ONE is a paranormal romance novel complete at 109,000 words. The first chapter follows.
Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Stacy McKitrick
Nov 5, 2009
Query Rewrite for Mourn Their Courage
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Mr/Ms. Agent:
When Liu Jie's nephew, the Ron Emperor, pleads for defense from attacking rebels, Jie vows to destroy all who threaten his family. While raising an army, Jie rescues a dying orphan named Aiyu. Haunted by ghosts, Jie is compelled to accept Aiyu as his apprentice and Tong Zhang, warrior-merchant, as his partner. Protecting his family launches Jie on an epic journey where ghosts are guides and heroes are traitors. Each victory is overshadowed by bitter loss until Jie must choose between his family's or his Empire's survival.
"MOURN THEIR COURAGE" is a 104,000 word fantasy novel based on the Chinese folktales collectively called "The Romance of the Three Kingdoms." Though adapted for film, television and video game serializations, there are no modern novelizations of this treasure. "MOURN THEIR COURAGE" will be of interest to fans of Guy Gavriel Kay.
I have published fiction in "Demons, Knights and Angels," "Millenium Online" and "Eternity Online." I am a member of the Wuxia Society and The China History Forum Online, where I contribute book reviews. I studied Tai Chi and Mandarin, traveled to China twice and corresponded with Rafe DeCrespigny, a prominent Three Kingdoms historian.
Why I want this agent paragraph
I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
I look forward to your comments!
Dear Mr/Ms. Agent:
When Liu Jie's nephew, the Ron Emperor, pleads for defense from attacking rebels, Jie vows to destroy all who threaten his family. While raising an army, Jie rescues a dying orphan named Aiyu. Haunted by ghosts, Jie is compelled to accept Aiyu as his apprentice and Tong Zhang, warrior-merchant, as his partner. Protecting his family launches Jie on an epic journey where ghosts are guides and heroes are traitors. Each victory is overshadowed by bitter loss until Jie must choose between his family's or his Empire's survival.
"MOURN THEIR COURAGE" is a 104,000 word fantasy novel based on the Chinese folktales collectively called "The Romance of the Three Kingdoms." Though adapted for film, television and video game serializations, there are no modern novelizations of this treasure. "MOURN THEIR COURAGE" will be of interest to fans of Guy Gavriel Kay.
I have published fiction in "Demons, Knights and Angels," "Millenium Online" and "Eternity Online." I am a member of the Wuxia Society and The China History Forum Online, where I contribute book reviews. I studied Tai Chi and Mandarin, traveled to China twice and corresponded with Rafe DeCrespigny, a prominent Three Kingdoms historian.
Why I want this agent paragraph
I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
I look forward to your comments!
Nov 4, 2009
QUERY: Soldier, Sage, and Vagabond
Sample pages have been posted. Click here to read them.
Dear (agent),
Janto, Crown Prince of the seafaring nation of Mosar, knows he's a disappointment to his people. Bookish and obsessed with languages, he doesn't fit the profile of a charismatic leader. It doesn't help that every time he sets foot on a ship, he becomes violently ill. Or that his choice of avatar --his magical link to the spirit world--is a ferret, which grants him the disreputable shroud-magic of spies.
But Mosar, under attack by the powerful Kjallan Empire, is on the brink of destruction, and an unconventional leader may be just what the country needs.
Janto, desperate to prove himself, is trying to rescue a fellow soldier when a Kjallan arrow buries itself in his shoulder. The Kjallans capture him. Unaware he's the prince, they send him as a slave to Kjall. There he must outwit a jealous overseer determined to ruin him and a Kjallan spy who knows he's hiding something. But not everyone is an enemy. Janto finds aid, friendship, and ultimately love from a Kjallan princess who, he discovers, is as much a slave as he is. As he learns more about Kjall, he begins to see a way he can save his country. Only with his unique assets--his inside knowledge, his language obsession, and his homicidal ferret avatar--can he pull it off.
Soldier, Sage, and Vagabond is a fantasy novel with romance elements, complete at 115,000 words. May I send you the manuscript?
Dear (agent),
Janto, Crown Prince of the seafaring nation of Mosar, knows he's a disappointment to his people. Bookish and obsessed with languages, he doesn't fit the profile of a charismatic leader. It doesn't help that every time he sets foot on a ship, he becomes violently ill. Or that his choice of avatar --his magical link to the spirit world--is a ferret, which grants him the disreputable shroud-magic of spies.
But Mosar, under attack by the powerful Kjallan Empire, is on the brink of destruction, and an unconventional leader may be just what the country needs.
Janto, desperate to prove himself, is trying to rescue a fellow soldier when a Kjallan arrow buries itself in his shoulder. The Kjallans capture him. Unaware he's the prince, they send him as a slave to Kjall. There he must outwit a jealous overseer determined to ruin him and a Kjallan spy who knows he's hiding something. But not everyone is an enemy. Janto finds aid, friendship, and ultimately love from a Kjallan princess who, he discovers, is as much a slave as he is. As he learns more about Kjall, he begins to see a way he can save his country. Only with his unique assets--his inside knowledge, his language obsession, and his homicidal ferret avatar--can he pull it off.
Soldier, Sage, and Vagabond is a fantasy novel with romance elements, complete at 115,000 words. May I send you the manuscript?
QUERY - Black Hole Son
Dear {AGENT},
Remy wakes up on a park bench. He has no memory and no idea who he is or how he got there. But he has some pills, some money, a pink sweater, and a strange gun. And apparently, he has a psychic ability to read the history of objects.
Ash wakes up in an alley. He has no memory and no idea who he is or how he got there. But he has some pills, some money, and he can set things on fire with his mind.
Now they each must strike out on their own in a cold mega-city where pharmaceutical drugs pervade everyday life. With no memory, they must follow their instincts to protect and defend people. Remy uses his powers to save a woman from an abusive relationship, and makes friends with a spunky female cop named Tuesday. After he's pursued by agents of a private security force, he joins an "Robin Hood" black market pharmacy. Ash is assaulted and robbed when he tries to get some food. Looking for a job, he joins the White Knights, a neighborhood watchdog group and forms a relationship with Ivy, a stripper.
Throughout their individual, but strangely parallel journeys, Remy becomes an introspective guardian, while Ash becomes a reactive seeker of justice. They find out where they came from, the real reason they have these powers, and that their instincts to protect people were not far off. But what will they do when they meet and discover the real threat to society – themselves.
BLACK HOLE SON is a 120,000 word near future science-fiction cyberpunk novel set in the near future. I have been previously published in The Dunesteef audio fiction magazine and the University of Wisconsin – Eau Claire literary journal.
Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
{MY NAME}
{MY E-MAIL}
{MY PHONE NUMBER}
Remy wakes up on a park bench. He has no memory and no idea who he is or how he got there. But he has some pills, some money, a pink sweater, and a strange gun. And apparently, he has a psychic ability to read the history of objects.
Ash wakes up in an alley. He has no memory and no idea who he is or how he got there. But he has some pills, some money, and he can set things on fire with his mind.
Now they each must strike out on their own in a cold mega-city where pharmaceutical drugs pervade everyday life. With no memory, they must follow their instincts to protect and defend people. Remy uses his powers to save a woman from an abusive relationship, and makes friends with a spunky female cop named Tuesday. After he's pursued by agents of a private security force, he joins an "Robin Hood" black market pharmacy. Ash is assaulted and robbed when he tries to get some food. Looking for a job, he joins the White Knights, a neighborhood watchdog group and forms a relationship with Ivy, a stripper.
Throughout their individual, but strangely parallel journeys, Remy becomes an introspective guardian, while Ash becomes a reactive seeker of justice. They find out where they came from, the real reason they have these powers, and that their instincts to protect people were not far off. But what will they do when they meet and discover the real threat to society – themselves.
BLACK HOLE SON is a 120,000 word near future science-fiction cyberpunk novel set in the near future. I have been previously published in The Dunesteef audio fiction magazine and the University of Wisconsin – Eau Claire literary journal.
Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
{MY NAME}
{MY E-MAIL}
{MY PHONE NUMBER}
QUERY - THE UNCOMMON ONE
Dear [Agent name],
When vampire, and bar owner, John Pennington saves Sarah Daugherty from the hands of a serial killer, he discovers she is more than she appears and affects him like no other human has before. Her scent is intoxicating and her touch causes a rush of warmth he never thought possible. He leaves her, though, without any knowledge of him or his deed, thinking that would be the end of it. But when she shows up in his bar, he finds he’s more enchanted by her presence and when she asks him out, he decides to risk dating for the first time in his vampire life. It’s when he tries to read Sarah’s thoughts and fails that he decides to end a relationship that barely begun. Sarah doesn’t give up that easy. She loves the way her heart flutters when he touches her. But unable to convince him with her words, it’s her absence that awakens John and he acquiesces, keeping his identity a secret.
As John and Sarah grow to care for one another, attacks against Sarah’s property, and Sarah herself, make John wonder who would want to hurt her. Could it be Sarah’s abusive ex-husband or John’s female vampire friend who he recently found out has feelings for him? And while Sarah suspects the serial killer, John would have to expose what he is to alleviate her fears. Before he can find the source behind the attacks, John must decide whether he can risk losing the only person he’s ever loved by telling her what he is.
THE UNCOMMON ONE is a Paranormal Romance of 109,000 words. Set in the non-exotic location of Dayton, Ohio, it’s a love story in modern times. This is my first novel.
Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Stacy McKitrick
When vampire, and bar owner, John Pennington saves Sarah Daugherty from the hands of a serial killer, he discovers she is more than she appears and affects him like no other human has before. Her scent is intoxicating and her touch causes a rush of warmth he never thought possible. He leaves her, though, without any knowledge of him or his deed, thinking that would be the end of it. But when she shows up in his bar, he finds he’s more enchanted by her presence and when she asks him out, he decides to risk dating for the first time in his vampire life. It’s when he tries to read Sarah’s thoughts and fails that he decides to end a relationship that barely begun. Sarah doesn’t give up that easy. She loves the way her heart flutters when he touches her. But unable to convince him with her words, it’s her absence that awakens John and he acquiesces, keeping his identity a secret.
As John and Sarah grow to care for one another, attacks against Sarah’s property, and Sarah herself, make John wonder who would want to hurt her. Could it be Sarah’s abusive ex-husband or John’s female vampire friend who he recently found out has feelings for him? And while Sarah suspects the serial killer, John would have to expose what he is to alleviate her fears. Before he can find the source behind the attacks, John must decide whether he can risk losing the only person he’s ever loved by telling her what he is.
THE UNCOMMON ONE is a Paranormal Romance of 109,000 words. Set in the non-exotic location of Dayton, Ohio, it’s a love story in modern times. This is my first novel.
Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Stacy McKitrick
Nov 1, 2009
Query: Ocean Fairies
Dear Ms Agent,
I'm seeking represetation and querying your interest in a fantasy novel for children (middle grade) of 30,000 words.
Jesse is a young teenage girl who feels like a round peg in a square hole when with other people. But she never stops giggling when with her fairy penguin friends. They make for strange companions: she is long, lean and lovely as a swan while the penguins are roly-poly and cute as ducks. But she knows they like her for who she is: a shy, sweet, mostly inarticulate, nature-loving girl.
When the penguins, who are also ocean fairies with their own kind of magic, promise to take her out on the ocean to see a sunken treasure ship, Jesse is ecstatic. However on that fateful day she meets the most powerful ocean fairy of all, the mighty Selkie. Then she really discovers the rapture of the deep. The merfolk have long been known for their power to enchant a human's senses, and the penguins fear that Jesse will never break free of the merman's irresistible spell and will lose her heart, her mind and her inclination to make delicious tuna sandwiches.
Thank you for your time and consideration of this project.
Yours faithfully,
P.S. Query Critiquers, in Australia we have miniature penguins that are known as fairy penguins. A critiquer of the novel from OS hadn't heard of them and was annoyed by the combining of what he thought was both a real and a fantasy creature, so now I always add this explanation.
I'm seeking represetation and querying your interest in a fantasy novel for children (middle grade) of 30,000 words.
Jesse is a young teenage girl who feels like a round peg in a square hole when with other people. But she never stops giggling when with her fairy penguin friends. They make for strange companions: she is long, lean and lovely as a swan while the penguins are roly-poly and cute as ducks. But she knows they like her for who she is: a shy, sweet, mostly inarticulate, nature-loving girl.
When the penguins, who are also ocean fairies with their own kind of magic, promise to take her out on the ocean to see a sunken treasure ship, Jesse is ecstatic. However on that fateful day she meets the most powerful ocean fairy of all, the mighty Selkie. Then she really discovers the rapture of the deep. The merfolk have long been known for their power to enchant a human's senses, and the penguins fear that Jesse will never break free of the merman's irresistible spell and will lose her heart, her mind and her inclination to make delicious tuna sandwiches.
Thank you for your time and consideration of this project.
Yours faithfully,
P.S. Query Critiquers, in Australia we have miniature penguins that are known as fairy penguins. A critiquer of the novel from OS hadn't heard of them and was annoyed by the combining of what he thought was both a real and a fantasy creature, so now I always add this explanation.
Oct 29, 2009
IRON THIRST - QUERY - REVISED
Click here to read the original query. (Originally posted as Vanishing Iron)
Click here to read the revised query.
Click here to read the first three pages (original submission).
Click here to read the revised sample pages.
Dear Ms. Agent,
The why I picked you paragraph.
It was to be a party like no other, but Felicity soon learns that not everyone at DragonCon is in costume. Some of those fangs are real and are quite thirsty.
Felicity Johnson is a sales assistant at a brokerage firm in Atlanta. It’s not rocket science, but it pays the bills. For a nice break from the norm, she and her friends decide to attend DragonCon, the convention that celebrates everything science fiction and fantasy; this year they even dress up. The day starts with adventure, laughter, and amazement at all there is to see and do at DragonCon, but the night ends in disaster. Felicity stumbles into a crime scene, and at the center is one friend’s mangled body, which looks as if rabid bears attacked him. And to top it off, the friend that was with him, he’s vanished.
Unsure if she should be grieving one or two, Felicity turns to Blake Richmond and his team. Blake, and his much too lovely chest, try to heal her broken heart and to help her find her missing best friend, but in the process, he is forced to reveal to her the existence of vampires, a secret that he was sworn to protect, and a little tidbit that she could gladly live without. Ultimately, the search puts Felicity in danger of both death and falling in love, neither of which she has time for at the moment.
IRON THIRST is an urban fantasy with a chick lit feel. It is complete at 80,000 words and is the first in an open-ended series.
My day job is as a sales assistant at a brokerage firm. To add a little flavor to the protagonist, I used my experience to highlight the humorous in’s and out’s that exist from everyday cubicle life, something I think that many people can relate to. I am a member of the Atlanta Writers Club and Sisters in Crime.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Me
Click here to read the revised query.
Click here to read the first three pages (original submission).
Click here to read the revised sample pages.
Dear Ms. Agent,
The why I picked you paragraph.
It was to be a party like no other, but Felicity soon learns that not everyone at DragonCon is in costume. Some of those fangs are real and are quite thirsty.
Felicity Johnson is a sales assistant at a brokerage firm in Atlanta. It’s not rocket science, but it pays the bills. For a nice break from the norm, she and her friends decide to attend DragonCon, the convention that celebrates everything science fiction and fantasy; this year they even dress up. The day starts with adventure, laughter, and amazement at all there is to see and do at DragonCon, but the night ends in disaster. Felicity stumbles into a crime scene, and at the center is one friend’s mangled body, which looks as if rabid bears attacked him. And to top it off, the friend that was with him, he’s vanished.
Unsure if she should be grieving one or two, Felicity turns to Blake Richmond and his team. Blake, and his much too lovely chest, try to heal her broken heart and to help her find her missing best friend, but in the process, he is forced to reveal to her the existence of vampires, a secret that he was sworn to protect, and a little tidbit that she could gladly live without. Ultimately, the search puts Felicity in danger of both death and falling in love, neither of which she has time for at the moment.
IRON THIRST is an urban fantasy with a chick lit feel. It is complete at 80,000 words and is the first in an open-ended series.
My day job is as a sales assistant at a brokerage firm. To add a little flavor to the protagonist, I used my experience to highlight the humorous in’s and out’s that exist from everyday cubicle life, something I think that many people can relate to. I am a member of the Atlanta Writers Club and Sisters in Crime.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Me
Oct 28, 2009
Read This Before Submitting
I am copying this from a post on Janet Reid's blog. Click here to read the original post. I recommend all submitters to read this and revise your query based upon these suggestions before posting here for additional critiques. This is very sound advice:
Here is the outline [Ms. Reid uses] to teach the class [on Effective Query Letters]:
1. A query letter is a business letter
2. A query letter requires "show don't tell" just exactly like your novel does
3. A query letter MUST tell an agent what the book is about.
3a. Who is the main character?
3b. What happens to her?
3c. What choice does s/he face?
3d. What terrible thing will happen because of that choice?
4. A query letter should include the word count, the title and any publishing credits you have? Don't have pub credits? Don't worry. Don't reach either.
(the novel has to be finished. You don't have to say it is, but just know it)
5. A query letter must avoid several instant-rejection phrases:
fiction novel
sure best seller
Oprah
film potential
"dear agent"/"dear sir or madam"
6. Things to avoid in query letters:
Don't beg.
Don't flatter.
Don't demean yourself.
Don't quote rejection letters
Don't quote critique groups, friends, paid editors or conference contacts.
Don't ask rhetorical questions.
Here is the outline [Ms. Reid uses] to teach the class [on Effective Query Letters]:
1. A query letter is a business letter
2. A query letter requires "show don't tell" just exactly like your novel does
3. A query letter MUST tell an agent what the book is about.
3a. Who is the main character?
3b. What happens to her?
3c. What choice does s/he face?
3d. What terrible thing will happen because of that choice?
4. A query letter should include the word count, the title and any publishing credits you have? Don't have pub credits? Don't worry. Don't reach either.
(the novel has to be finished. You don't have to say it is, but just know it)
5. A query letter must avoid several instant-rejection phrases:
fiction novel
sure best seller
Oprah
film potential
"dear agent"/"dear sir or madam"
6. Things to avoid in query letters:
Don't beg.
Don't flatter.
Don't demean yourself.
Don't quote rejection letters
Don't quote critique groups, friends, paid editors or conference contacts.
Don't ask rhetorical questions.
Oct 27, 2009
Query Revision #2 - NO DARKER FATE
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
After a home intruder murdered his family, Lucas Fowler became obsessed with death. Germs, slippery steps, strangers, there are a million ways to die and he's determined to avoid them all. Even if it means boarding himself off from life.
When the image of a stranger arrives on his cell phone, Lucas thinks it's harmless, misdirected. But that night he feels changed. Suddenly fearless, able to outrun cars, punch holes in concrete, and shift into a blighted alternate reality, Lucas transforms into the thing he fears most--a killer. He tracks down and stabs to death the man in the picture.
Another picture comes, another murder. Lucas can't control his new abilities or stop the killings. Each time he learns a little more about what's happening to him. But to discover it all—the secret society of Scions, the rogue Scion controlling him, the super-powered undead he's creating with each murder, and the remedy to his own cowardice—he'll have to keep on killing. And he'll need to be fearless all on his own.
NO DARKER FATE, an urban fantasy, is 95,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Click here to read the first revision.
After a home intruder murdered his family, Lucas Fowler became obsessed with death. Germs, slippery steps, strangers, there are a million ways to die and he's determined to avoid them all. Even if it means boarding himself off from life.
When the image of a stranger arrives on his cell phone, Lucas thinks it's harmless, misdirected. But that night he feels changed. Suddenly fearless, able to outrun cars, punch holes in concrete, and shift into a blighted alternate reality, Lucas transforms into the thing he fears most--a killer. He tracks down and stabs to death the man in the picture.
Another picture comes, another murder. Lucas can't control his new abilities or stop the killings. Each time he learns a little more about what's happening to him. But to discover it all—the secret society of Scions, the rogue Scion controlling him, the super-powered undead he's creating with each murder, and the remedy to his own cowardice—he'll have to keep on killing. And he'll need to be fearless all on his own.
NO DARKER FATE, an urban fantasy, is 95,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Re - Query for Mourn Their Courage
Dear Agent,
When Liu Jie vows to serve his Emperor, he embarks on an epic journey where ghosts are guides and heroes are traitors. Jie endures the brutality and anguish of war before facing his greatest fear: must he sacrifice his family to save his empire?
"MOURN THEIR COURAGE" is a 104,000 word fantasy novel based on the Chinese folktales collectively called "The Romance of the Three Kingdoms." Though adapted for film, television and video games that have enjoyed world-wide popularity, there are not yet any modern novelizations of this treasure. I write with the same appreciation for character emotional development as Guy Gavriel Kay and believe his fans will enjoy my work.
I am a member of the Wuxia Society and The China History Forum Online, where I contribute book reviews. I have studied Tai Chi and Mandarin, traveled to China twice, and corresponded with Rafe DeCrespigny, one of the leading authorities on the Three Kingdoms period. I have published book reviews on my blog and fiction in online markets and can furnish those references upon request.
I understand you are interested in historical fiction and fantasy and I want to introduce you to my vision of China.
I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you for your time.
- Author
Chapter One
In the Ron Empire, wars did not erupt over cups of rice wine. Since the Peach Orchard Inn's modest, tamped-earth structure promised rest from months of travel and skirmishes with bandits, Liu Jie signaled his men to stop for the night.
Despite a guard’s protest, Jie dismounted and opened the inn’s courtyard gate himself. The cold, flaky metal felt good and solid after hours of leather and horsehair under his fingers. His wife and son’s litter entered the courtyard where Jie freed them from the stuffy sedan chair. Mei and Shan took a deep breath as a breeze blew the smell of earth and peaches through the courtyard. Together, they entered the inn.
To his right, five men gathered around an unrolled silk scroll mounted on the wall. The ivory fabric's weave was intricate, and the Imperial Chop blazed like a crimson brand in a corner. He read it in a glance.
The Son of Heaven requires the aid of all men as sons might come to their father. Rebels assault the people and threaten the capital. All districts report.
Beside him, his wife blanched. “No,” she whispered.
Jie read it again and clenched his hands. "You were right, Mei. War was inevitable."
"I'd hoped-"
Jie nodded and took her hand in his for a quiet moment. When servants brought in the family’s luggage, Mei and her servant followed them past garish red pillars and up the stairs. He knew Mei wanted to avoid the noise of the tearoom and the implications of the notice.
Their son, Shan ran outside to play in the last rays of sunlight. Jie bought a cup of rice wine and sat at an empty table. He contemplated how to respond to the summons. Servants lit paper lanterns and the tearoom filled with more men who crowded the notice.
A group of boisterous young men sat at a nearby table and a game of sixes commenced with a clatter of dice.
The voices and noise blended into a monotonous drone. When the innkeeper brought him a plate of dumplings and a set of chopsticks, he barely tasted the food. Instead, he used the chopsticks and wrote plan after plan in the congealing sauce. He abandoned every scheme as impractical.
He did not have enough money to fund a campaign against the rebels. He had to continue to the capital and sign up. Jie longed to respond now, before Imperial troops slaughtered the Turbans.
The inn door slammed open and Shan rushed inside.
Bemused, Jie smiled as his son looked around the room as if all the demons of hell chased him. *After all, he is eight.*
Then Shan's wide-eyed expression found him, and Jie knew something was wrong.
"Papa, come outside, quick!"
"It's dark outside, Shan. There’s nothing to see."
"There’s a body!" Shan said. "A dead boy is in the garden."
When Liu Jie vows to serve his Emperor, he embarks on an epic journey where ghosts are guides and heroes are traitors. Jie endures the brutality and anguish of war before facing his greatest fear: must he sacrifice his family to save his empire?
"MOURN THEIR COURAGE" is a 104,000 word fantasy novel based on the Chinese folktales collectively called "The Romance of the Three Kingdoms." Though adapted for film, television and video games that have enjoyed world-wide popularity, there are not yet any modern novelizations of this treasure. I write with the same appreciation for character emotional development as Guy Gavriel Kay and believe his fans will enjoy my work.
I am a member of the Wuxia Society and The China History Forum Online, where I contribute book reviews. I have studied Tai Chi and Mandarin, traveled to China twice, and corresponded with Rafe DeCrespigny, one of the leading authorities on the Three Kingdoms period. I have published book reviews on my blog and fiction in online markets and can furnish those references upon request.
I understand you are interested in historical fiction and fantasy and I want to introduce you to my vision of China.
I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you for your time.
- Author
Chapter One
In the Ron Empire, wars did not erupt over cups of rice wine. Since the Peach Orchard Inn's modest, tamped-earth structure promised rest from months of travel and skirmishes with bandits, Liu Jie signaled his men to stop for the night.
Despite a guard’s protest, Jie dismounted and opened the inn’s courtyard gate himself. The cold, flaky metal felt good and solid after hours of leather and horsehair under his fingers. His wife and son’s litter entered the courtyard where Jie freed them from the stuffy sedan chair. Mei and Shan took a deep breath as a breeze blew the smell of earth and peaches through the courtyard. Together, they entered the inn.
To his right, five men gathered around an unrolled silk scroll mounted on the wall. The ivory fabric's weave was intricate, and the Imperial Chop blazed like a crimson brand in a corner. He read it in a glance.
The Son of Heaven requires the aid of all men as sons might come to their father. Rebels assault the people and threaten the capital. All districts report.
Beside him, his wife blanched. “No,” she whispered.
Jie read it again and clenched his hands. "You were right, Mei. War was inevitable."
"I'd hoped-"
Jie nodded and took her hand in his for a quiet moment. When servants brought in the family’s luggage, Mei and her servant followed them past garish red pillars and up the stairs. He knew Mei wanted to avoid the noise of the tearoom and the implications of the notice.
Their son, Shan ran outside to play in the last rays of sunlight. Jie bought a cup of rice wine and sat at an empty table. He contemplated how to respond to the summons. Servants lit paper lanterns and the tearoom filled with more men who crowded the notice.
A group of boisterous young men sat at a nearby table and a game of sixes commenced with a clatter of dice.
The voices and noise blended into a monotonous drone. When the innkeeper brought him a plate of dumplings and a set of chopsticks, he barely tasted the food. Instead, he used the chopsticks and wrote plan after plan in the congealing sauce. He abandoned every scheme as impractical.
He did not have enough money to fund a campaign against the rebels. He had to continue to the capital and sign up. Jie longed to respond now, before Imperial troops slaughtered the Turbans.
The inn door slammed open and Shan rushed inside.
Bemused, Jie smiled as his son looked around the room as if all the demons of hell chased him. *After all, he is eight.*
Then Shan's wide-eyed expression found him, and Jie knew something was wrong.
"Papa, come outside, quick!"
"It's dark outside, Shan. There’s nothing to see."
"There’s a body!" Shan said. "A dead boy is in the garden."
Query - They Say
Dear Agent,
If asked, sixteen year old Mattie Loisel would have a hard time telling you what she wanted most in life: the lead in the school play, the designer clothes her family would never be able to afford or for her mother to have never been in the accident. She might not be able to tell you her number one, but she’s definitely made a list. Mattie itemizes and enumerates because she doesn't know how else to understand or control her life. So when her boyfriend scores an invitation to the biggest party of the year, Mattie lists everything she needs to make the day fabulous. Using her meager life savings to buy just the right dress and shoes, Mattie has the perfect day. Perfect that is, until she loses a borrowed Louis Vuitton purse.
Without any other options, Mattie makes a deal with the Irish Annies - three girls who control her high school with the power of a dictator and the mystique of the Fates. The Annies buy Mattie a replacement purse and give her two months to repay them the three thousand dollars or suffer the consequences.
But as the summer progresses, juggling four jobs isn't all that Mattie needs to worry about. When her boyfriend dumps her and already strained family relationships begin to deteriorate further, not even a list can solve Mattie's problems. To top it all off Mattie needs to worry about the new guy, the one who sees through her guises and challenges her to be more honest with herself than she's ever been before.
They Say is an 88,000 word YA retelling of Guy de Maupassant's classic The Necklace and it is my first novel. (Reason I am querying this particular agent.) I have included below the first # pages of my completed manuscript, and would be happy to send more if you are interested.
Regards,
If asked, sixteen year old Mattie Loisel would have a hard time telling you what she wanted most in life: the lead in the school play, the designer clothes her family would never be able to afford or for her mother to have never been in the accident. She might not be able to tell you her number one, but she’s definitely made a list. Mattie itemizes and enumerates because she doesn't know how else to understand or control her life. So when her boyfriend scores an invitation to the biggest party of the year, Mattie lists everything she needs to make the day fabulous. Using her meager life savings to buy just the right dress and shoes, Mattie has the perfect day. Perfect that is, until she loses a borrowed Louis Vuitton purse.
Without any other options, Mattie makes a deal with the Irish Annies - three girls who control her high school with the power of a dictator and the mystique of the Fates. The Annies buy Mattie a replacement purse and give her two months to repay them the three thousand dollars or suffer the consequences.
But as the summer progresses, juggling four jobs isn't all that Mattie needs to worry about. When her boyfriend dumps her and already strained family relationships begin to deteriorate further, not even a list can solve Mattie's problems. To top it all off Mattie needs to worry about the new guy, the one who sees through her guises and challenges her to be more honest with herself than she's ever been before.
They Say is an 88,000 word YA retelling of Guy de Maupassant's classic The Necklace and it is my first novel. (Reason I am querying this particular agent.) I have included below the first # pages of my completed manuscript, and would be happy to send more if you are interested.
Regards,
Oct 26, 2009
Query for Butter and Margarine (Revision #1)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent,
It takes the right man remembering her for Sunny Cumberledge to realize she could still be remarkable.
Until Justin Reinhart came back into her life, Sunny had resigned herself to a margarine existence, a life hardly worth spreading on weekday toast. That’s what her family wants from her, for her to be the conventional Cumberledge sister. Her father, in particular, wants one daughter willing to exist as insularly as he has since his only son died eleven years ago. So for eleven years, Sunny has done just that, lived her small life as close to home as possible, certain she was doing the right thing for the family she loves in the most fiercest, gut- squeezing way.
However, as she moves forward in her relationship with Justin, Sunny realizes that being twenty- one and insignificant hasn’t helped her family; it’s only hurt her. She can’t be afraid to stand up and live for herself. She has to be the fiery, interesting woman Justin sees in her, the one he never forgot, even though Sunny was sure she wasn’t worth recalling. But more than anything, she has to live as big as she can, as both an example for her family, and for the brother who never got his own chance. Sunny has gotten by on merely existing so far; now, it’s finally time for her to live fantastically.
Butter and Margarine is a women’s fiction novel complete at 81,000 words. [Personal Information]. Thank you for your consideration of my work, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Saison Williams
Dear Agent,
It takes the right man remembering her for Sunny Cumberledge to realize she could still be remarkable.
Until Justin Reinhart came back into her life, Sunny had resigned herself to a margarine existence, a life hardly worth spreading on weekday toast. That’s what her family wants from her, for her to be the conventional Cumberledge sister. Her father, in particular, wants one daughter willing to exist as insularly as he has since his only son died eleven years ago. So for eleven years, Sunny has done just that, lived her small life as close to home as possible, certain she was doing the right thing for the family she loves in the most fiercest, gut- squeezing way.
However, as she moves forward in her relationship with Justin, Sunny realizes that being twenty- one and insignificant hasn’t helped her family; it’s only hurt her. She can’t be afraid to stand up and live for herself. She has to be the fiery, interesting woman Justin sees in her, the one he never forgot, even though Sunny was sure she wasn’t worth recalling. But more than anything, she has to live as big as she can, as both an example for her family, and for the brother who never got his own chance. Sunny has gotten by on merely existing so far; now, it’s finally time for her to live fantastically.
Butter and Margarine is a women’s fiction novel complete at 81,000 words. [Personal Information]. Thank you for your consideration of my work, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Saison Williams
Oct 25, 2009
Query- Black Box Confessional
This is a query for my husband's book entitled Black Box Confessional.
Mr. Blah Blah
With Blah Blah Blah
1234 Street
New York, NY
11111
Dear Mr. Blah Blah,
A paroled child rapist, a reporter and his father the town minister along with his best friend’s dad the Chief of Police, and an old Voodoo Witch make up five of the unsettling characters in my 108,000 word mystery/suspense novel Black Box Confessional.
For ten years in rural southeastern Kansas a dark truth has surrounded the deaths of two high school seniors found in a water logged truck at the lake on graduation morning. Dark secrets have always been the specialty of the town’s residents going back to the days of the Bloody Benders and the Dalton Gang. However, some secrets are too sinister to stay hidden.
Alex Mitchellson, an investigative reporter from Denver, has returned to his hometown for the first time in nearly ten years. The return is complicated by obligations, old romances, and the sudden death of his two friends. The most disturbing complication comes in the form of a tattered yellow envelope awaiting him in his hotel room. The letter, although very cryptic, warns him about the very lies that caused him to leave his home nearly a decade ago.
As more letters continue to arrive Alex is forced to faces his greatest fear; that there was more to his friend’s death. With the help of his high school girlfriend, and his last remaining friend, a social shut-in, together they raid police files, blackmail one person and seduce another all in the midst of have their every move watched by a dangerous outsider. Every piece of evidence points towards foul play and the possibility of a cover up, and an ever increasing danger for Alex.
Armed with the identity of the mysterious letter writer Alex takes the final step towards discovering what happened to his friends, and to unearth why they had been singled out. His questions are answered when he discovers the Chief of Police and his own father are at the root of a dark and sinister secret centered around the love the two boys shared. In a final confrontation Alex must make a dangerous choice to save himself or his friends from the hands of the two people he thought he could always trust.
I’m a graduate of Emporia State University, receiving a double bachelors in Theater and Journalism. While there I received many awards for articles published in the college newspaper. Several of my short plays have been produced by colleges in which I was affiliated.
Thank you for considering my novel, Black Box Confessional.
Sincerely,
Thomas Dean
Mr. Blah Blah
With Blah Blah Blah
1234 Street
New York, NY
11111
Dear Mr. Blah Blah,
A paroled child rapist, a reporter and his father the town minister along with his best friend’s dad the Chief of Police, and an old Voodoo Witch make up five of the unsettling characters in my 108,000 word mystery/suspense novel Black Box Confessional.
For ten years in rural southeastern Kansas a dark truth has surrounded the deaths of two high school seniors found in a water logged truck at the lake on graduation morning. Dark secrets have always been the specialty of the town’s residents going back to the days of the Bloody Benders and the Dalton Gang. However, some secrets are too sinister to stay hidden.
Alex Mitchellson, an investigative reporter from Denver, has returned to his hometown for the first time in nearly ten years. The return is complicated by obligations, old romances, and the sudden death of his two friends. The most disturbing complication comes in the form of a tattered yellow envelope awaiting him in his hotel room. The letter, although very cryptic, warns him about the very lies that caused him to leave his home nearly a decade ago.
As more letters continue to arrive Alex is forced to faces his greatest fear; that there was more to his friend’s death. With the help of his high school girlfriend, and his last remaining friend, a social shut-in, together they raid police files, blackmail one person and seduce another all in the midst of have their every move watched by a dangerous outsider. Every piece of evidence points towards foul play and the possibility of a cover up, and an ever increasing danger for Alex.
Armed with the identity of the mysterious letter writer Alex takes the final step towards discovering what happened to his friends, and to unearth why they had been singled out. His questions are answered when he discovers the Chief of Police and his own father are at the root of a dark and sinister secret centered around the love the two boys shared. In a final confrontation Alex must make a dangerous choice to save himself or his friends from the hands of the two people he thought he could always trust.
I’m a graduate of Emporia State University, receiving a double bachelors in Theater and Journalism. While there I received many awards for articles published in the college newspaper. Several of my short plays have been produced by colleges in which I was affiliated.
Thank you for considering my novel, Black Box Confessional.
Sincerely,
Thomas Dean
Oct 23, 2009
Writing Contest Winner- Glass Dragons's Alien Invasion
All three finalists received votes, but the overwhelming majority went to Glass Dragon's Alien Invasion story!
Thanks to all for participating! Here's the winning entry one more time in case any of you missed it; the task was to write a scene about watching paint dry, proving that it is infinitely more interesting from a written perspective than a visual one...
It started just like an alien invasion movie. One minute we were eating our Cheerios in ignorant bliss, and the next thing we knew there were so many spaceships in orbit they blocked the sun. It was like Independence Day, only with no Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith to save us. They probably died when Hollywood was hit, anyway. So, yeah. We were screwed.
Everyone had their own ways of coping with impending doom. A few of the neighbors packed up and ran for the hills. Mom packed up Grandma and headed for church. She tried to get me to come, but I figured if I had to die, I wanted to die at home. So I gave Mom and Grandma a hug and a kiss each and told them I’d keep an eye on the house while they tried to get God to run interference.
After they left my eyes fell on the cans of paint sitting by the garage door. Mom had been trying to get me to paint that door for months now. She’d finally given up and was going to do it herself today. Before Armageddon interrupted breakfast, anyway. Just that morning she had said to me, “If I wait for you to do it I’ll be dead before it’s done!”
Dead before it’s done.
I shivered. Then I picked up the paint roller. Why not? It’d be great to prove Mom wrong just once before the end.
Mom had already done all the prep work, so I got right to painting. After a while I got a creepy feeling like I was being watched. When I turned around to put more paint in the tray I saw something that stopped me cold.
There were three of them in the street, just standing there. Watching me.
No. Not me. The door. Their eye stalks were pointed at the garage door, straight at the panels I had already painted. They were watching the paint dry, and they were fascinated!
More and more showed up to watch as I painted. The street filled up with waving tentacles. They clustered on the neighbors’ lawns and rooftops. A few ships hovered overhead. I had never been so scared in my life, but I kept working. When I started a second coat I swear they all went, “Ooooh!”
When I was finished I sat on the driveway and watched the paint dry with them. As the last tacky spot hardened in the sun a collective sigh went through my alien audience. Then they took the paint and left. And I mean they took ALL the paint they could find and left the planet.
When they came back they helped rebuild the cities they’d trashed. When they found out we could make more paint, they opened trade negotiations. Humans are now major players in the intergalactic marketplace.
I saved the Earth by painting a door. Mom was so proud.
Oh, and Jeff Goldblum’s okay. Don’t know about Will Smith, though.
Thanks to all for participating! Here's the winning entry one more time in case any of you missed it; the task was to write a scene about watching paint dry, proving that it is infinitely more interesting from a written perspective than a visual one...
It started just like an alien invasion movie. One minute we were eating our Cheerios in ignorant bliss, and the next thing we knew there were so many spaceships in orbit they blocked the sun. It was like Independence Day, only with no Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith to save us. They probably died when Hollywood was hit, anyway. So, yeah. We were screwed.
Everyone had their own ways of coping with impending doom. A few of the neighbors packed up and ran for the hills. Mom packed up Grandma and headed for church. She tried to get me to come, but I figured if I had to die, I wanted to die at home. So I gave Mom and Grandma a hug and a kiss each and told them I’d keep an eye on the house while they tried to get God to run interference.
After they left my eyes fell on the cans of paint sitting by the garage door. Mom had been trying to get me to paint that door for months now. She’d finally given up and was going to do it herself today. Before Armageddon interrupted breakfast, anyway. Just that morning she had said to me, “If I wait for you to do it I’ll be dead before it’s done!”
Dead before it’s done.
I shivered. Then I picked up the paint roller. Why not? It’d be great to prove Mom wrong just once before the end.
Mom had already done all the prep work, so I got right to painting. After a while I got a creepy feeling like I was being watched. When I turned around to put more paint in the tray I saw something that stopped me cold.
There were three of them in the street, just standing there. Watching me.
No. Not me. The door. Their eye stalks were pointed at the garage door, straight at the panels I had already painted. They were watching the paint dry, and they were fascinated!
More and more showed up to watch as I painted. The street filled up with waving tentacles. They clustered on the neighbors’ lawns and rooftops. A few ships hovered overhead. I had never been so scared in my life, but I kept working. When I started a second coat I swear they all went, “Ooooh!”
When I was finished I sat on the driveway and watched the paint dry with them. As the last tacky spot hardened in the sun a collective sigh went through my alien audience. Then they took the paint and left. And I mean they took ALL the paint they could find and left the planet.
When they came back they helped rebuild the cities they’d trashed. When they found out we could make more paint, they opened trade negotiations. Humans are now major players in the intergalactic marketplace.
I saved the Earth by painting a door. Mom was so proud.
Oh, and Jeff Goldblum’s okay. Don’t know about Will Smith, though.
QUERY – JACK MBC (Revision #1)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent,
Sixteen-year-old Jack’s life is changed when he falls off the roof of a Las Vegas Hotel and doesn’t die. He discovers he has a form of Mind Body Control, or MBC for short. At signs of danger, he can order his body to turn into marble, steel or whatever he needs.
His friends call him a superhero, but Jack isn’t sure he wants to be one. Using MBC gives him head-splitting migraines. And when MBC is on, his emotions turn off, and may never come back on again. He could turn into a catatonic zombie, but how can he say no to rescuing people from certain deaths?
Then Jack makes a serious mistake and a man dies. MBC’s side effects become sinister, pushing him into periods of depression and violence. Will Jack figure out how to deal with MBC and use it on his own terms, or will it turn him into an unrecognizable monster?
JACK MBC is a young adult novel, complete at 85,000 words. I have enclosed the first xx pages for your consideration. Thank you.
Dear Agent,
Sixteen-year-old Jack’s life is changed when he falls off the roof of a Las Vegas Hotel and doesn’t die. He discovers he has a form of Mind Body Control, or MBC for short. At signs of danger, he can order his body to turn into marble, steel or whatever he needs.
His friends call him a superhero, but Jack isn’t sure he wants to be one. Using MBC gives him head-splitting migraines. And when MBC is on, his emotions turn off, and may never come back on again. He could turn into a catatonic zombie, but how can he say no to rescuing people from certain deaths?
Then Jack makes a serious mistake and a man dies. MBC’s side effects become sinister, pushing him into periods of depression and violence. Will Jack figure out how to deal with MBC and use it on his own terms, or will it turn him into an unrecognizable monster?
JACK MBC is a young adult novel, complete at 85,000 words. I have enclosed the first xx pages for your consideration. Thank you.
Oct 22, 2009
Query Revision #1 - NO DARKER FATE
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent,
For Lucas Fowler, superhuman abilities seem like the answer to his extreme fear of death until he becomes what he fears most—a killer.
When Lucas opens a picture sent to his cell phone by a stranger he thinks it's misdirected since he doesn't know the man in the image.
That night he feels changed. Suddenly fearless, able to outrun cars, punch holes in concrete, and shift into a blighted alternate reality, Lucas tracks down the man in the picture. Instead of playing savior, Lucas kills him. Another picture comes, another murder. Lucas can't control his new abilities or stop his homicidal instinct. Each time he learns a little more about what's happening to him. But to discover it all—the secret society of Scions, the rogue Scion controlling him, the super-powered undead he's creating with each murder—he'll have to keep on killing. And he'll need to be fearless all on his own.
NO DARKER FATE, an urban fantasy, is 95,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Dear Agent,
For Lucas Fowler, superhuman abilities seem like the answer to his extreme fear of death until he becomes what he fears most—a killer.
When Lucas opens a picture sent to his cell phone by a stranger he thinks it's misdirected since he doesn't know the man in the image.
That night he feels changed. Suddenly fearless, able to outrun cars, punch holes in concrete, and shift into a blighted alternate reality, Lucas tracks down the man in the picture. Instead of playing savior, Lucas kills him. Another picture comes, another murder. Lucas can't control his new abilities or stop his homicidal instinct. Each time he learns a little more about what's happening to him. But to discover it all—the secret society of Scions, the rogue Scion controlling him, the super-powered undead he's creating with each murder—he'll have to keep on killing. And he'll need to be fearless all on his own.
NO DARKER FATE, an urban fantasy, is 95,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
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