Seventeen-year-old Jack Creed is unhappy as a vampire. He would give anything to have his old life back. After a werewolf attack, it seems he's gotten his wish. He's human again. Now his problems really begin.
His high school english teacher is the head werewolf; the girl he's seriously crushing on is a hunter with secrets; his brother can't make up his mind if he should welcome Jack home or stake him through the heart to be on the safe side. Then Jack starts to regain some of his vampire powers. Also, he's developing new werewolf powers.
Jack just wants to be normal. He wants to graduate from high school and leave the werewolf killing to others, but everyone he knows is in danger. In the end Jack will have to make a hard choice between what he wants, what's good for him, and what is good for the people he loves.
Vampires Rule is complete at 73,000 words.
Apr 20, 2009
QUERY- THE RELEASE
A revision of this query has been posted. Click here to read it.
Dear Agent:
I graduated from The University of Texas in May of 1997 with a degree in journalism. While at the university, several of my articles received The Almay Award for Excellence in Journalism.
I chose to submit my novel for your consideration after seeing that you had interest in this particular genre, especially after you pointed out that Robert Pierce's novel, The Escape, was one of your favorite reads. Did I not only read the book, but also found it similar to mine in that it shows the struggles of a young man trying to escape the horrors of an abusive past.
The Release
While spending seven years in a Texas sanatorium for re-enacting the physical abuse he received as a child on a peer of fifteen years of age, John Michaels finds his escape. John realized that inner strength, his mind, would convince the good Dr. Holt to okay his release.
John, a ruggedly handsome man with smooth black hair, fashionable stubble, and a chiseled six foot three inch frame is not out of the sanatorium for twenty-four hours before his life becomes extremely complicated. He finds himself tightly wrapped in lust, having dinner given by the beautiful Karen Weeks, being accused of murder, befriending a court appointed defense attorney, rescued from the Texas death penalty by witty Richard, a private detective extraordinaire, and falling in love with Delaney, a bookstore clerk.
John's inner release does not become final until he visits the graves of his alcoholic father and drug addicted mother. John is able to get the answers and let go pent up feelings that need their escape. John's will to seek a better life comes to fruition.
Upon request, I am prepared to send the completed manuscript.
Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Joshua Kearns
Dear Agent:
I graduated from The University of Texas in May of 1997 with a degree in journalism. While at the university, several of my articles received The Almay Award for Excellence in Journalism.
I chose to submit my novel for your consideration after seeing that you had interest in this particular genre, especially after you pointed out that Robert Pierce's novel, The Escape, was one of your favorite reads. Did I not only read the book, but also found it similar to mine in that it shows the struggles of a young man trying to escape the horrors of an abusive past.
The Release
While spending seven years in a Texas sanatorium for re-enacting the physical abuse he received as a child on a peer of fifteen years of age, John Michaels finds his escape. John realized that inner strength, his mind, would convince the good Dr. Holt to okay his release.
John, a ruggedly handsome man with smooth black hair, fashionable stubble, and a chiseled six foot three inch frame is not out of the sanatorium for twenty-four hours before his life becomes extremely complicated. He finds himself tightly wrapped in lust, having dinner given by the beautiful Karen Weeks, being accused of murder, befriending a court appointed defense attorney, rescued from the Texas death penalty by witty Richard, a private detective extraordinaire, and falling in love with Delaney, a bookstore clerk.
John's inner release does not become final until he visits the graves of his alcoholic father and drug addicted mother. John is able to get the answers and let go pent up feelings that need their escape. John's will to seek a better life comes to fruition.
Upon request, I am prepared to send the completed manuscript.
Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Joshua Kearns
Apr 19, 2009
Query -- A FATHER'S PROMISE
Dear Agent Name:
Ten-year-old Lucas Gibson knows there's not enough money for his mom's textbooks, a new alternator for the truck, or even a Mega Mini Scooter, but he's not worried. His dad has been hired to train an imported curly coated retriever for a field trial, and he promises that when they win, their family problems will be over. But the promise seems for naught when his father is killed in an accident that injures both Lucas and the dog and leaves their family deep in debt.
Still, Lucas can't forget. Despite his mother's objections, the disabled boy takes on the challenge of rehabbing the dog. Joined by his wayfaring uncle and a woman who trains chickens for carnivals, Lucas sets out to save his crumbling family only to find that field trials don't have a cash prize, the bank is going to foreclose on their farm regardless, and worst of all, winning will require him to choose between his father's dream and the dog he loves. His dad's promise sure isn't turning out like Lucas expected. Can his family help him find his happy ending?
A FATHER'S PROMISE, a 100,000 word novel written for the commercial/mainstream fiction market, is a story of faith and healing as three generations of an estranged family come together to fulfill a father's last promise to his son.
I appreciate your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Name
Contact information
Ten-year-old Lucas Gibson knows there's not enough money for his mom's textbooks, a new alternator for the truck, or even a Mega Mini Scooter, but he's not worried. His dad has been hired to train an imported curly coated retriever for a field trial, and he promises that when they win, their family problems will be over. But the promise seems for naught when his father is killed in an accident that injures both Lucas and the dog and leaves their family deep in debt.
Still, Lucas can't forget. Despite his mother's objections, the disabled boy takes on the challenge of rehabbing the dog. Joined by his wayfaring uncle and a woman who trains chickens for carnivals, Lucas sets out to save his crumbling family only to find that field trials don't have a cash prize, the bank is going to foreclose on their farm regardless, and worst of all, winning will require him to choose between his father's dream and the dog he loves. His dad's promise sure isn't turning out like Lucas expected. Can his family help him find his happy ending?
A FATHER'S PROMISE, a 100,000 word novel written for the commercial/mainstream fiction market, is a story of faith and healing as three generations of an estranged family come together to fulfill a father's last promise to his son.
I appreciate your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Name
Contact information
Apr 18, 2009
Query- Deadly secret
Deadly secret"
A romance gone sour by jealousy. But it wasn't a romance at all, just a one second snapshot that turned into a life-time of memories that ended in murder.
No one suspected Jared of such a deed until he devulged the one bit of evidence only known at autopsy. After all, there was no one else to blame.
The first time I saw Lisa Barrette, she stood outside the schoolyard engaged in girlish chatter with her friends. She did not notice me gawking, silently hoping that one day I would hear those magic words; "Yes, I will go out with you."
I marveled at her soft red hair and her green eyes that sparkled in the sunlight. Mostly, her easy smile and kind demeanor smote me. I summoned that little piece of courage deep inside me. Courage smothered by the tight knot in my gut. Finally, gushing out in high-pitched cracked voice, my attempt at hell-o got their attention. All the girls turned, pointed at me, and giggled, muttering insults that set my stomach on fire. I wanted to run away, hide, or simply vanish. Looking at the ground and feeling shameful for attempting such an act, I started to walk away. I lifted my head and in that moment, our eyes met. Lisa smiled at me and suddenly everything was okay. My heart warmed and I stood tall. I wanted to read the message in her eyes. I wanted her eyes to mirror how I saw her but to my disappointment, all I saw was pity. I accepted her pleasant smile and the apology in her eyes and for now, that was enough.
I saw her in the days that followed, standing at her locker, practicing cheerleader stuff, and briskly walking by me in the halls, never noticing me.
A romance gone sour by jealousy. But it wasn't a romance at all, just a one second snapshot that turned into a life-time of memories that ended in murder.
No one suspected Jared of such a deed until he devulged the one bit of evidence only known at autopsy. After all, there was no one else to blame.
The first time I saw Lisa Barrette, she stood outside the schoolyard engaged in girlish chatter with her friends. She did not notice me gawking, silently hoping that one day I would hear those magic words; "Yes, I will go out with you."
I marveled at her soft red hair and her green eyes that sparkled in the sunlight. Mostly, her easy smile and kind demeanor smote me. I summoned that little piece of courage deep inside me. Courage smothered by the tight knot in my gut. Finally, gushing out in high-pitched cracked voice, my attempt at hell-o got their attention. All the girls turned, pointed at me, and giggled, muttering insults that set my stomach on fire. I wanted to run away, hide, or simply vanish. Looking at the ground and feeling shameful for attempting such an act, I started to walk away. I lifted my head and in that moment, our eyes met. Lisa smiled at me and suddenly everything was okay. My heart warmed and I stood tall. I wanted to read the message in her eyes. I wanted her eyes to mirror how I saw her but to my disappointment, all I saw was pity. I accepted her pleasant smile and the apology in her eyes and for now, that was enough.
I saw her in the days that followed, standing at her locker, practicing cheerleader stuff, and briskly walking by me in the halls, never noticing me.
Apr 17, 2009
Revised Query - Where Demons Fear to Tread
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent,
Death has come calling, but he doesn’t want Alexis Powers’ soul – he wants her to find a soul. The soul of a murdered Catholic priest to be exact. Alex is a violent crimes investigator, not a Finder, but Death makes it crystal clear that she is the one who must handle this case or face his wrath. When the reason why becomes apparent, it will destroy Alex’s family forever.
To hide a soul from Death takes enormous power, and whoever is wielding that power will do anything to keep from being found. Not only must Alex find the person or people responsible, but she must do it before her weakened human side gives in to her darker demonic impulses. The stakes are raised even higher when Alex’s disabled partner is brutally murdered in his bed as a warning for her to stay away.
When her best lead turns up missing and a black market holy relic comes into play, Alex realizes she can’t do this on her own. She’s forced to accept the help of her agency rival - a ten thousand year-old Japanese Dragon, and a Witch who specializes in breaking spells. Together they just might be able to solve this case before a demon-powered mage uses the priest’s holy soul to raise an army of truly immortal vampires.
Where Demons Fear to Tread is my completed 86,000-word urban fantasy novel set in modern-day western Massachusetts a decade and a half after the fall of the Veil between the human world and Faerie. This is my first completed novel that I hope to turn into a series exploring what the world would be like if this sort of apocalypse were to actually occur.
I would be glad to send you sample chapters for review. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
R. Barnard
Dear Agent,
Death has come calling, but he doesn’t want Alexis Powers’ soul – he wants her to find a soul. The soul of a murdered Catholic priest to be exact. Alex is a violent crimes investigator, not a Finder, but Death makes it crystal clear that she is the one who must handle this case or face his wrath. When the reason why becomes apparent, it will destroy Alex’s family forever.
To hide a soul from Death takes enormous power, and whoever is wielding that power will do anything to keep from being found. Not only must Alex find the person or people responsible, but she must do it before her weakened human side gives in to her darker demonic impulses. The stakes are raised even higher when Alex’s disabled partner is brutally murdered in his bed as a warning for her to stay away.
When her best lead turns up missing and a black market holy relic comes into play, Alex realizes she can’t do this on her own. She’s forced to accept the help of her agency rival - a ten thousand year-old Japanese Dragon, and a Witch who specializes in breaking spells. Together they just might be able to solve this case before a demon-powered mage uses the priest’s holy soul to raise an army of truly immortal vampires.
Where Demons Fear to Tread is my completed 86,000-word urban fantasy novel set in modern-day western Massachusetts a decade and a half after the fall of the Veil between the human world and Faerie. This is my first completed novel that I hope to turn into a series exploring what the world would be like if this sort of apocalypse were to actually occur.
I would be glad to send you sample chapters for review. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
R. Barnard
Query 1/Query 2--Larkin Shift and the Hall of Two Truths
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Quick poll time. I know I said I'd end at revision three, but I need help deciding which of these to use and this has been really helpful so, any suggestions?
#1
An unknowing descendant of the Wenwet priestesses, Larkin Shift doesn’t want to be different. She doesn’t want to develop her magical powers, but they have a mind of their own. And her 8th grade teacher, Mr. Amurat, the one person that can help her, is trapped in the Egyptian underworld. He is a pawn in Principal Reameny’s quest to overthrow the sun god, Ra, and to plunge Earth into eternal darkness and chaos, unless Larkin and her friends can stop him.
But the rescue mission begins with an unexpected consequence—Benny, Larkin’s friend’s, death—and when Ra’s light temporarily revives him, there are only hours until his condition becomes permanent.
Hindered by an ever-changing landscape and its dangerous inhabitants and guided by an untrustworthy shape-shifting cat, Larkin must develop her powers to defeat the evil Principal Reameny, get Benny home alive, and overcome an unexpected betrayal—before the next sunrise.
Larkin Shift and The Hall of Two Truths is a 45,000 word middle grade novel and is the first in a planned series.
#2
Larkin’s is a rescue mission where every minute counts. Each passing second brings her friend Benny closer to death and failure to save her mentor, Mr. Amurat, means losing the one person that can help her control her innate magical ability.
An unknowing descendant of a powerful line of priestesses, Larkin doesn’t want to be different. She doesn’t want to develop her powers, but they have a mind of their own and with Mr. Amurat trapped in the underworld, she has no choice but to embrace them.
Hindered by an ever-changing landscape full of dangerous inhabitants and guided by an untrustworthy shape-shifting cat, Larkin must free Mr. Amurat from his captor, the evil Principal Reameny, get Benny home alive, and overcome an unexpected betrayal—before the next sunrise.
Larkin Shift and The Hall of Two Truths is a 45,000 word middle grade novel and is the first in a planned series.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Quick poll time. I know I said I'd end at revision three, but I need help deciding which of these to use and this has been really helpful so, any suggestions?
#1
An unknowing descendant of the Wenwet priestesses, Larkin Shift doesn’t want to be different. She doesn’t want to develop her magical powers, but they have a mind of their own. And her 8th grade teacher, Mr. Amurat, the one person that can help her, is trapped in the Egyptian underworld. He is a pawn in Principal Reameny’s quest to overthrow the sun god, Ra, and to plunge Earth into eternal darkness and chaos, unless Larkin and her friends can stop him.
But the rescue mission begins with an unexpected consequence—Benny, Larkin’s friend’s, death—and when Ra’s light temporarily revives him, there are only hours until his condition becomes permanent.
Hindered by an ever-changing landscape and its dangerous inhabitants and guided by an untrustworthy shape-shifting cat, Larkin must develop her powers to defeat the evil Principal Reameny, get Benny home alive, and overcome an unexpected betrayal—before the next sunrise.
Larkin Shift and The Hall of Two Truths is a 45,000 word middle grade novel and is the first in a planned series.
#2
Larkin’s is a rescue mission where every minute counts. Each passing second brings her friend Benny closer to death and failure to save her mentor, Mr. Amurat, means losing the one person that can help her control her innate magical ability.
An unknowing descendant of a powerful line of priestesses, Larkin doesn’t want to be different. She doesn’t want to develop her powers, but they have a mind of their own and with Mr. Amurat trapped in the underworld, she has no choice but to embrace them.
Hindered by an ever-changing landscape full of dangerous inhabitants and guided by an untrustworthy shape-shifting cat, Larkin must free Mr. Amurat from his captor, the evil Principal Reameny, get Benny home alive, and overcome an unexpected betrayal—before the next sunrise.
Larkin Shift and The Hall of Two Truths is a 45,000 word middle grade novel and is the first in a planned series.
QUERY/LIFE AFTER DEATH
Dear Ms. Agent:
Violet Young is eager to spend a week without parental authority. When her parents leave for their cruise, she is positive that her plans of hanging out with friends, attending rock concerts, and attaining sun-kissed perfection will end her summer off flawlessly. However, her plans come to a smashing halt on her very first day of freedom, thanks to a life-altering car accident.
Strangers find Violet lying on the side of the road and rescue her. When she awakens from death’s grasp, she is frightened and alone, trapped in a fortress. As she tries every means of escape, James—too cute to be a psychotic kidnapper—enters the picture. He reveals a bevy of problems: she is now an unwilling member of his undead colony, blood is her only gruesome sustenance, and she must abandon her heart-beating biological family to prevent herself from the temptation of “dinnertime”.
Violet battles her conflicted emotions of transitioning into a vampire (who wants to drink blood for eternity? Ew!), her growing attraction for James, and the severed ties from her family. Once things begin to feel semi-normal (as normal as it could be for an undead teenager), skeletons from the past find her and her colony, unleashing a fatal vampire plague. Violet must defend herself from disloyal vampires, vengeful witches, and a mysterious prepubescent soul-sucker. It is up to Violet to save not only her own soul, but also stop the destruction of those she cherishes most dearly.
I have researched your agency through ___________ and found that your company is currently seeking paranormal fiction. My first novel in a supernatural series, LIFE AFTER DEATH, is complete at 114,000 words. I have spent the last six years teaching Language Arts to middle-grade students.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Violet Young is eager to spend a week without parental authority. When her parents leave for their cruise, she is positive that her plans of hanging out with friends, attending rock concerts, and attaining sun-kissed perfection will end her summer off flawlessly. However, her plans come to a smashing halt on her very first day of freedom, thanks to a life-altering car accident.
Strangers find Violet lying on the side of the road and rescue her. When she awakens from death’s grasp, she is frightened and alone, trapped in a fortress. As she tries every means of escape, James—too cute to be a psychotic kidnapper—enters the picture. He reveals a bevy of problems: she is now an unwilling member of his undead colony, blood is her only gruesome sustenance, and she must abandon her heart-beating biological family to prevent herself from the temptation of “dinnertime”.
Violet battles her conflicted emotions of transitioning into a vampire (who wants to drink blood for eternity? Ew!), her growing attraction for James, and the severed ties from her family. Once things begin to feel semi-normal (as normal as it could be for an undead teenager), skeletons from the past find her and her colony, unleashing a fatal vampire plague. Violet must defend herself from disloyal vampires, vengeful witches, and a mysterious prepubescent soul-sucker. It is up to Violet to save not only her own soul, but also stop the destruction of those she cherishes most dearly.
I have researched your agency through ___________ and found that your company is currently seeking paranormal fiction. My first novel in a supernatural series, LIFE AFTER DEATH, is complete at 114,000 words. I have spent the last six years teaching Language Arts to middle-grade students.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Apr 16, 2009
Query - Where Demons Fear to Tread
Dear,
Half-demon Vamyraset Agent Alexis Powers has been given what could very well be her toughest and deadliest case ever.
Death has come calling, but he doesn’t want her soul – he wants her to find a soul. The soul of a murdered Catholic priest to be exact. To hide a soul from Death takes enormous power, and whoever is wielding that power will do anything to keep from being found. Not only must Alex find the person or people responsible, but she must do it before her weakened human side gives in to her darker demonic impulses.
When her best lead turns up missing and a black market Holy Relic comes into play, Alex realizes she can’t do this on her own. She’s forced to accept the help of her Agency rival - a ten thousand year-old Japanese Dragon, and a Witch who specializes in breaking spells. Together they just might be able to solve this case before a demon-powered mage can raise an army of truly immortal vampires.
Where Demons Fear to Tread is my completed 86,000-word urban fantasy novel set in modern-day western Massachusetts a decade and a half after the fall of the Veil between the human world and Faerie. This is my first completed novel that I hope to turn into a series exploring what the world would be like if this sort of apocalypse were to actually occur.
I would be glad to send you sample chapters for review. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
R Barnard
Half-demon Vamyraset Agent Alexis Powers has been given what could very well be her toughest and deadliest case ever.
Death has come calling, but he doesn’t want her soul – he wants her to find a soul. The soul of a murdered Catholic priest to be exact. To hide a soul from Death takes enormous power, and whoever is wielding that power will do anything to keep from being found. Not only must Alex find the person or people responsible, but she must do it before her weakened human side gives in to her darker demonic impulses.
When her best lead turns up missing and a black market Holy Relic comes into play, Alex realizes she can’t do this on her own. She’s forced to accept the help of her Agency rival - a ten thousand year-old Japanese Dragon, and a Witch who specializes in breaking spells. Together they just might be able to solve this case before a demon-powered mage can raise an army of truly immortal vampires.
Where Demons Fear to Tread is my completed 86,000-word urban fantasy novel set in modern-day western Massachusetts a decade and a half after the fall of the Veil between the human world and Faerie. This is my first completed novel that I hope to turn into a series exploring what the world would be like if this sort of apocalypse were to actually occur.
I would be glad to send you sample chapters for review. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
R Barnard
QUERY -PAY ATTENTION
Okay, here goes my very first query and four pages of my novel....
Dear My Agent,
A ravaged corpse is discovered in the mountains while a local medical specialist goes missing without a trace. A young woman and her children suddenly disappear and the only witness is a teenage boy who doesn’t realize yet what he’s seen.
Ben Drake hopes to strengthen his relationship with his teenage son Jason during a road trip that takes them from their home in California to the Mountains of Colorado. Their plans are interrupted when they are unexpectedly drawn into a police investigation involving Maeve Tidewell and her two young daughters. Ben and Jason are compelled to keep searching for the missing family near a cabin they have discovered deep in the woods, and an almost psychic connection draws Ben toward a dangerous, and possibly deadly, confrontation.
Meanwhile Maeve finds herself held captive, along with her daughters and the missing doctor, by a disturbed man from her past. They work together to devise a plan to over power the gruesome killer before he decides the time is right for them to die. Somehow, fate brings them all together in a brave and desperate attempt to escape a bizarre kidnapper.
PAY ATTENTION is the first in a series of suspense stories that border on the paranormal, and is complete at approximately 70,000 words. Thank you so much for your time and consideration of this query and I will look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
The sirens stopped in mid screech, leaving behind an eerie silence while the muted flashes of red and blue continued to flicker like strobe lights across the dozen or so vehicles strewn across the road. They were parked pal-mel in the brush and a group of search and rescue workers moved solemnly around the scene under a canopy of dark, billowing clouds.
Arnold Baker dug the toe of his work boot into the damp soil and shoved his hands into the pockets of his battered sheep skin coat. He glanced up at the sky as a low rumble of thunder started far off in the distance and then turned his attention to the SUV that was just pulling on to the scene. He raised his arm and signaled to the tall, slightly bowed figure that crawled from behind the wheel, and then watched and waited patiently while he picked his way over the uneven ground.
“Arnie” The coroner bobbed his head by way of greeting and the two fell in step as they walked together to the mutilated body.
“It looks like maybe we found that missin’ hiker we been lookin’ for.” Baker speculated.
“Any clue what happened to him?”
“Looks like he probably fell from the ridge up here.” The short barrel-chested sheriff dipped his balding head toward the edge of the overhang that ended a few feet away. Baker peered up at the coroner from under his bushy gray brows. “S&R had a time pullin’ him up from the bottom of the ravine. He was wedged in pretty tight down there and the critters’ve had a go at him, so you just might have a rough time figurin’ out the exact cause of death.”
“If I didn’t know you better sheriff, I’d say that sounded like a challenge.” Sam Kaufman said light heartedly as he slapped the sheriff on the back. Sam was tall and gaunt and slightly stooped from a life of bending over to avoid knocking his head on every other door frame. The contrast in their appearance and difference in education made the two men an unlikely pair, but early on they had discovered a mutual love for books and the pleasures of fishing that led to a solid friendship. They knelt down over the body and studied the decomposing form. Most of the skin and muscle of the extremities had been torn away, leaving the bones jutting and exposed. Ragged pieces of what appeared to be a faded flannel work shirt were stuck here and there to denim jeans and a tough leather hiking boot was still clinging to one foot. Like the rest of the body, it was almost completely covered with dirt and twigs.
“Well, it looks like the wildlife sure has had a hay day. I suppose this poor guy could be your hiker, but I’d say from the looks of it that he’s been dead for more than a few days. Of course, I can’t really say anything for sure until after the autopsy.”
Sheriff Baker shrugged and nodded in a maybe - maybe not sort of agreement while he chewed down the end of the toothpick he’d been swilling around between his teeth and waited for his old friend to take in the details of the gruesome cadaver. It wasn’t long before his patience was rewarded with Kaufman’s shocked exclamation.
“Jesus H Christ Arnie! What in blue blazes happened to his head?”
“Well now, that’s a good question Sam, but I only know one kind a’ animal that skins the hair off its supper ‘fore he sits down to eat.”
As was typical, Glen ended up being the last one out of the office at the end of a really long day. More and more they were all becoming long days. He could hear Lily’s voice in his head reminding him that if he didn’t slow down, one of these first times he was going to crash and then he wouldn’t be any good to her or his patients. He smiled and told himself he would make it up to her this weekend with a tour of the valleys vineyards and a whole day of wine tasting. He checked to make sure that everything was turned off and the alarm was set before he twisted the key and gave one last tug on the door.
He made his way down the stairs off the back porch of the old Victorian where he had set up his practice almost two years ago and started toward the black Jaguar, his pride and joy, parked just a few feet away. A slight movement caught his attention and just as he looked up, Joseph came lumbering around the corner of the house.
‘What the hell is he doing here?’ Glen spoke under his breath, talking to no one in particular. He had an instinctive dislike for the big ogre and he was always on edge whenever he was forced to meet the man’s cold gaze. He started to open the car door, hoping he could drive away and pretend he hadn’t noticed, but by then Joseph was in the parking lot. He was obviously agitated, waving and babbling something about the kids needing him right away.
However annoyed or edgy Glen might be with the father, he would never ignore the needs of the kids and he immediately forgot about trying to pretend he hadn’t noticed him there.
It never occurred to Glen that Joseph’s behavior was completely out of character, his first and only concern being for the kids. All he could hear was the sense of urgency in the other man’s tone and the almost panic stricken expression on his face.
“Where are they?” He asked, and then without waiting for an answer he added in disgust “I’ll follow you but we might need an ambulance this time, I don’t care what your convictions are!”
He pressed the button to unlock the car door, yanking it open in a fit of temper. He was leaning in to throw his medical bag in the back seat when he felt a sudden overwhelming jolt as something hit him hard between the shoulder blades. He gasped at the blow and fell face first across the console. It was like an electrical shock had robbed him of the ability to move his arms or legs and he struggled as someone folded him like a rag doll into the car. He was beginning to lose consciousness but still he tried to twist away and instead came face to face with his attacker.
A much younger version of Joseph was leaning over him and shoving him on to the floor.
“Carl, you little prick!” Glen snarled the words and was horrified when all that came out was a drunken mumble. Drool rolled out of the side of his mouth and down his chin.
What little reality there was came to him like snatches of scenes from a movie flickering in and out of focus. He was partially awake now and he was being jostled around on the floor board of a car. His car. He recognized the feel of the engine slowing and accelerating each time it took another winding turn. He fought to regain his senses as his body rocked with the motion of the car but the effort only made him more disoriented until suddenly, he turned his head and vomited on the rough carpet that was chafing against the side of his face. He blacked out for a few minutes and when he came to again everything was even more unclear, with only fragments of voices and wispy impressions flitting here and there through his mind as everything slowly faded to black.
Dear My Agent,
A ravaged corpse is discovered in the mountains while a local medical specialist goes missing without a trace. A young woman and her children suddenly disappear and the only witness is a teenage boy who doesn’t realize yet what he’s seen.
Ben Drake hopes to strengthen his relationship with his teenage son Jason during a road trip that takes them from their home in California to the Mountains of Colorado. Their plans are interrupted when they are unexpectedly drawn into a police investigation involving Maeve Tidewell and her two young daughters. Ben and Jason are compelled to keep searching for the missing family near a cabin they have discovered deep in the woods, and an almost psychic connection draws Ben toward a dangerous, and possibly deadly, confrontation.
Meanwhile Maeve finds herself held captive, along with her daughters and the missing doctor, by a disturbed man from her past. They work together to devise a plan to over power the gruesome killer before he decides the time is right for them to die. Somehow, fate brings them all together in a brave and desperate attempt to escape a bizarre kidnapper.
PAY ATTENTION is the first in a series of suspense stories that border on the paranormal, and is complete at approximately 70,000 words. Thank you so much for your time and consideration of this query and I will look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
The sirens stopped in mid screech, leaving behind an eerie silence while the muted flashes of red and blue continued to flicker like strobe lights across the dozen or so vehicles strewn across the road. They were parked pal-mel in the brush and a group of search and rescue workers moved solemnly around the scene under a canopy of dark, billowing clouds.
Arnold Baker dug the toe of his work boot into the damp soil and shoved his hands into the pockets of his battered sheep skin coat. He glanced up at the sky as a low rumble of thunder started far off in the distance and then turned his attention to the SUV that was just pulling on to the scene. He raised his arm and signaled to the tall, slightly bowed figure that crawled from behind the wheel, and then watched and waited patiently while he picked his way over the uneven ground.
“Arnie” The coroner bobbed his head by way of greeting and the two fell in step as they walked together to the mutilated body.
“It looks like maybe we found that missin’ hiker we been lookin’ for.” Baker speculated.
“Any clue what happened to him?”
“Looks like he probably fell from the ridge up here.” The short barrel-chested sheriff dipped his balding head toward the edge of the overhang that ended a few feet away. Baker peered up at the coroner from under his bushy gray brows. “S&R had a time pullin’ him up from the bottom of the ravine. He was wedged in pretty tight down there and the critters’ve had a go at him, so you just might have a rough time figurin’ out the exact cause of death.”
“If I didn’t know you better sheriff, I’d say that sounded like a challenge.” Sam Kaufman said light heartedly as he slapped the sheriff on the back. Sam was tall and gaunt and slightly stooped from a life of bending over to avoid knocking his head on every other door frame. The contrast in their appearance and difference in education made the two men an unlikely pair, but early on they had discovered a mutual love for books and the pleasures of fishing that led to a solid friendship. They knelt down over the body and studied the decomposing form. Most of the skin and muscle of the extremities had been torn away, leaving the bones jutting and exposed. Ragged pieces of what appeared to be a faded flannel work shirt were stuck here and there to denim jeans and a tough leather hiking boot was still clinging to one foot. Like the rest of the body, it was almost completely covered with dirt and twigs.
“Well, it looks like the wildlife sure has had a hay day. I suppose this poor guy could be your hiker, but I’d say from the looks of it that he’s been dead for more than a few days. Of course, I can’t really say anything for sure until after the autopsy.”
Sheriff Baker shrugged and nodded in a maybe - maybe not sort of agreement while he chewed down the end of the toothpick he’d been swilling around between his teeth and waited for his old friend to take in the details of the gruesome cadaver. It wasn’t long before his patience was rewarded with Kaufman’s shocked exclamation.
“Jesus H Christ Arnie! What in blue blazes happened to his head?”
“Well now, that’s a good question Sam, but I only know one kind a’ animal that skins the hair off its supper ‘fore he sits down to eat.”
As was typical, Glen ended up being the last one out of the office at the end of a really long day. More and more they were all becoming long days. He could hear Lily’s voice in his head reminding him that if he didn’t slow down, one of these first times he was going to crash and then he wouldn’t be any good to her or his patients. He smiled and told himself he would make it up to her this weekend with a tour of the valleys vineyards and a whole day of wine tasting. He checked to make sure that everything was turned off and the alarm was set before he twisted the key and gave one last tug on the door.
He made his way down the stairs off the back porch of the old Victorian where he had set up his practice almost two years ago and started toward the black Jaguar, his pride and joy, parked just a few feet away. A slight movement caught his attention and just as he looked up, Joseph came lumbering around the corner of the house.
‘What the hell is he doing here?’ Glen spoke under his breath, talking to no one in particular. He had an instinctive dislike for the big ogre and he was always on edge whenever he was forced to meet the man’s cold gaze. He started to open the car door, hoping he could drive away and pretend he hadn’t noticed, but by then Joseph was in the parking lot. He was obviously agitated, waving and babbling something about the kids needing him right away.
However annoyed or edgy Glen might be with the father, he would never ignore the needs of the kids and he immediately forgot about trying to pretend he hadn’t noticed him there.
It never occurred to Glen that Joseph’s behavior was completely out of character, his first and only concern being for the kids. All he could hear was the sense of urgency in the other man’s tone and the almost panic stricken expression on his face.
“Where are they?” He asked, and then without waiting for an answer he added in disgust “I’ll follow you but we might need an ambulance this time, I don’t care what your convictions are!”
He pressed the button to unlock the car door, yanking it open in a fit of temper. He was leaning in to throw his medical bag in the back seat when he felt a sudden overwhelming jolt as something hit him hard between the shoulder blades. He gasped at the blow and fell face first across the console. It was like an electrical shock had robbed him of the ability to move his arms or legs and he struggled as someone folded him like a rag doll into the car. He was beginning to lose consciousness but still he tried to twist away and instead came face to face with his attacker.
A much younger version of Joseph was leaning over him and shoving him on to the floor.
“Carl, you little prick!” Glen snarled the words and was horrified when all that came out was a drunken mumble. Drool rolled out of the side of his mouth and down his chin.
What little reality there was came to him like snatches of scenes from a movie flickering in and out of focus. He was partially awake now and he was being jostled around on the floor board of a car. His car. He recognized the feel of the engine slowing and accelerating each time it took another winding turn. He fought to regain his senses as his body rocked with the motion of the car but the effort only made him more disoriented until suddenly, he turned his head and vomited on the rough carpet that was chafing against the side of his face. He blacked out for a few minutes and when he came to again everything was even more unclear, with only fragments of voices and wispy impressions flitting here and there through his mind as everything slowly faded to black.
Query- Severed Ties (Revision #3)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Dear Agent,
Three hundred and twenty three passengers feared dead. For Suzanne Taylor, surviving the fiery crash of Flight 148 is bittersweet.
Waking from a coma a week after the accident, Suzanne learns her son is dead. When her dreams show Caleb growing older with each passing month, Suzanne is convinced that he is still alive.
Her marriage begins to unravel as Suzanne continues to pursue her quest for the truth. Feeling alone and desperate to find answers, Suzanne finds herself wrapped up in an affair with a handsome N.T.S.B. investigator.
When a fellow survivor is interviewed during the one year anniversary coverage of the crash, Suzanne reaches out to her, hoping to find answers regarding her son’s fate. As the survivor recalls the final moments of Caleb’s life, a cry from an adjoining bedroom reveals the truth.
I am seeking representation for Severed Ties, a women's fiction work, complete at 114,000 words.
Thank you for your time and your consideration.
Sincerely,
D. Ross
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Dear Agent,
Three hundred and twenty three passengers feared dead. For Suzanne Taylor, surviving the fiery crash of Flight 148 is bittersweet.
Waking from a coma a week after the accident, Suzanne learns her son is dead. When her dreams show Caleb growing older with each passing month, Suzanne is convinced that he is still alive.
Her marriage begins to unravel as Suzanne continues to pursue her quest for the truth. Feeling alone and desperate to find answers, Suzanne finds herself wrapped up in an affair with a handsome N.T.S.B. investigator.
When a fellow survivor is interviewed during the one year anniversary coverage of the crash, Suzanne reaches out to her, hoping to find answers regarding her son’s fate. As the survivor recalls the final moments of Caleb’s life, a cry from an adjoining bedroom reveals the truth.
I am seeking representation for Severed Ties, a women's fiction work, complete at 114,000 words.
Thank you for your time and your consideration.
Sincerely,
D. Ross
The Eternal Link Query Letter
A revision of this query has been posted. Click here to read it.
Dear Mr./Ms. Agent,
I am seeking representation for my 80,000 word young adult fantasy novel, THE ETERNAL LINK.
Trees start talking, entire ancient villages appear out of nowhere, and the evil wizard Valmont arrives in the future ready to trample all who get between him and immortal power. All of this, because sixteen-year old Catalina wanted to find her true mother and instead causes a rift in time that collides the magical past and the high-tech future.
With the two worlds merging at an alarming rate and time leaps occurring as close as a few feet away, Catalina manages her ever growing powers and accepts her responsibility to restore order as an Eternal, a keeper of time. With so little of her magic developed, Catalina tries to renew the powers of the Eternal before her, an old wizard whose weakness caused Catalina to be chosen in his place. But with time literally running out and Valmont closing in, Catalina chooses between holding onto her hopes of a life with her mother or her duty to return time to its proper state. A state where nothing is left of her new friends, her mother, or the boy she comes to love than dust below her feet.
Dear Mr./Ms. Agent,
I am seeking representation for my 80,000 word young adult fantasy novel, THE ETERNAL LINK.
Trees start talking, entire ancient villages appear out of nowhere, and the evil wizard Valmont arrives in the future ready to trample all who get between him and immortal power. All of this, because sixteen-year old Catalina wanted to find her true mother and instead causes a rift in time that collides the magical past and the high-tech future.
With the two worlds merging at an alarming rate and time leaps occurring as close as a few feet away, Catalina manages her ever growing powers and accepts her responsibility to restore order as an Eternal, a keeper of time. With so little of her magic developed, Catalina tries to renew the powers of the Eternal before her, an old wizard whose weakness caused Catalina to be chosen in his place. But with time literally running out and Valmont closing in, Catalina chooses between holding onto her hopes of a life with her mother or her duty to return time to its proper state. A state where nothing is left of her new friends, her mother, or the boy she comes to love than dust below her feet.
Query- Severed Ties (Revision #2)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Agent,
Three hundred and twenty three passengers feared dead. For Suzanne Taylor, surviving the fiery crash of Flight 148 is bittersweet.
Waking from a coma a week after the accident, Suzanne is told that her son is dead. Her dreams tell her otherwise. Suzanne’s dreams show Caleb growing older with each passing month, causing her to believe that her son is still alive.
Her marriage begins to unravel as Suzanne continues to pursue her quest for the truth. Feeling alone and desperate to find answers, Suzanne finds herself wrapped up in an affair with a handsome N.T.S.B. investigator.
When a fellow survivor is interviewed during the one year anniversary coverage of the crash, Suzanne reaches out to her, hoping to find answers regarding her son’s fate. As the survivor recalls the final moments of Caleb’s life, a cry from an ajoining bedroom reveals everything Suzanne has been searching for. Caleb is alive.
I am seeking representation for Severed Ties, a women's fiction work, complete at 114,000 words.
Thank you for your time and your consideration.
Sincerely,
D. Ross
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Agent,
Three hundred and twenty three passengers feared dead. For Suzanne Taylor, surviving the fiery crash of Flight 148 is bittersweet.
Waking from a coma a week after the accident, Suzanne is told that her son is dead. Her dreams tell her otherwise. Suzanne’s dreams show Caleb growing older with each passing month, causing her to believe that her son is still alive.
Her marriage begins to unravel as Suzanne continues to pursue her quest for the truth. Feeling alone and desperate to find answers, Suzanne finds herself wrapped up in an affair with a handsome N.T.S.B. investigator.
When a fellow survivor is interviewed during the one year anniversary coverage of the crash, Suzanne reaches out to her, hoping to find answers regarding her son’s fate. As the survivor recalls the final moments of Caleb’s life, a cry from an ajoining bedroom reveals everything Suzanne has been searching for. Caleb is alive.
I am seeking representation for Severed Ties, a women's fiction work, complete at 114,000 words.
Thank you for your time and your consideration.
Sincerely,
D. Ross
Apr 15, 2009
Thank You
I try to read every query and every comment on this blog. It's tough, but I try. Many of you have thanked me for starting this and maintaining it, but I can only take partial credit for it. Sure, it was my idea and I moderate it, but the real benefit is not from me. It's from all of you who read the queries and offer your input.
I also need to spread that thanks out to everyone who has helped promote this blog, especially Nathan Bransford, who included a link in one of his This Week in Publishing posts and helped me go from 56 visits one day to 473 the next. He's also gracious enough to allow the occasional link in the comments on his blog. Janet Reid has also allowed links in the comments on her blog. If, by any odd chance, there is someone reading this who has not yet visited either of the aforementioned agent blogs, you really need to check them out.
Some time I'll be adding on links to other writing-centric blogs. There are many good ones out there that help you delve deeper into the craft, like The Innocent Flower, the QueryTracker blog, and The Literary Lab, and some that are fun ways to stretch your creative muscles, like Come in Character.
So thanks all the way around, and good luck!
Oh, and one shameless plug. I have another blog, My Daley Rant, where I let loose with life's little absurdities. If you really want to thank me, stop by there and leave a comment!
I also need to spread that thanks out to everyone who has helped promote this blog, especially Nathan Bransford, who included a link in one of his This Week in Publishing posts and helped me go from 56 visits one day to 473 the next. He's also gracious enough to allow the occasional link in the comments on his blog. Janet Reid has also allowed links in the comments on her blog. If, by any odd chance, there is someone reading this who has not yet visited either of the aforementioned agent blogs, you really need to check them out.
Some time I'll be adding on links to other writing-centric blogs. There are many good ones out there that help you delve deeper into the craft, like The Innocent Flower, the QueryTracker blog, and The Literary Lab, and some that are fun ways to stretch your creative muscles, like Come in Character.
So thanks all the way around, and good luck!
Oh, and one shameless plug. I have another blog, My Daley Rant, where I let loose with life's little absurdities. If you really want to thank me, stop by there and leave a comment!
Query- Severed Ties (Revision #1)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent,
Three hundred and twenty three passengers feared dead. For Suzanne Taylor, surviving the fiery crash of Flight 148 is bittersweet.
Waking from a coma a week after the accident, Suzanne is told that her son is dead. Her dreams tell her otherwise. Suzanne’s dreams show Caleb growing older with each passing month, causing her to believe that her son is still alive.
Her marriage begins to unravel as Suzanne continues to pursue her quest for the truth. Feeling alone and desperate to find answers, Suzanne finds herself wrapped up in an affair with a handsome N.T.S.B. investigator.
At the one year anniversary of the crash, Suzanne meets a fellow survivor who may have answers regarding her son’s fate. As the survivor recalls the final moments of Caleb’s life, a cry from the next room reveals the awful truth.
I am seeking representation for Severed Ties, a women's fiction work, complete at 114,000 words.
Thank you for your time and your consideration.
Sincerely,
D. Ross
Dear Agent,
Three hundred and twenty three passengers feared dead. For Suzanne Taylor, surviving the fiery crash of Flight 148 is bittersweet.
Waking from a coma a week after the accident, Suzanne is told that her son is dead. Her dreams tell her otherwise. Suzanne’s dreams show Caleb growing older with each passing month, causing her to believe that her son is still alive.
Her marriage begins to unravel as Suzanne continues to pursue her quest for the truth. Feeling alone and desperate to find answers, Suzanne finds herself wrapped up in an affair with a handsome N.T.S.B. investigator.
At the one year anniversary of the crash, Suzanne meets a fellow survivor who may have answers regarding her son’s fate. As the survivor recalls the final moments of Caleb’s life, a cry from the next room reveals the awful truth.
I am seeking representation for Severed Ties, a women's fiction work, complete at 114,000 words.
Thank you for your time and your consideration.
Sincerely,
D. Ross
Query- EVERLASTING (Revision #1)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear _______:
When you die, you’re supposed to fade to Everlasting. That’s what souls believe. But Jeanne has been dead for hundreds of years and yet she aimlessly wanders the halls of The Louvre in modern-day Paris.
Jeanne’s aimlessness ends the day she encounters Etienne Armand, a fashion designer on the brink of ruin. Finding that he can see her is a surprise which wrenches her into awareness. Released from her despondence, Jeanne is compelled to investigate the painful memories of her tragic past and is inexorably drawn into the world of the living. She embarks on a plan to help Etienne save his failing couture house and they recognize a mutual attraction with roots in the mysteries of her previous life.
Jeanne’s initial eagerness to find resolution and fade, morphs over the course of her journey into frantic desperation to remain in the land of the living. Unfortunately, fading is not the choice of the soul.
EVERLASTING is romantic fiction, with a supernatural twist, completed at 75,000 words for which I am seeking representation. Thank you for your time and kind consideration.
Sincerely,
ME
Dear _______:
When you die, you’re supposed to fade to Everlasting. That’s what souls believe. But Jeanne has been dead for hundreds of years and yet she aimlessly wanders the halls of The Louvre in modern-day Paris.
Jeanne’s aimlessness ends the day she encounters Etienne Armand, a fashion designer on the brink of ruin. Finding that he can see her is a surprise which wrenches her into awareness. Released from her despondence, Jeanne is compelled to investigate the painful memories of her tragic past and is inexorably drawn into the world of the living. She embarks on a plan to help Etienne save his failing couture house and they recognize a mutual attraction with roots in the mysteries of her previous life.
Jeanne’s initial eagerness to find resolution and fade, morphs over the course of her journey into frantic desperation to remain in the land of the living. Unfortunately, fading is not the choice of the soul.
EVERLASTING is romantic fiction, with a supernatural twist, completed at 75,000 words for which I am seeking representation. Thank you for your time and kind consideration.
Sincerely,
ME
QUERY - ANGEL UNDERCOVER (Revision 4)
Click here to read revisions 2 and 3.
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear [Agent name],
I chose to submit to you because [personalized tidbit about agent].
Fourteen year old Paige Moss is a bleeding-heart humanitarian optimist held captive by her own timid nature. But when she is kidnapped by a deranged visionary, Paige must get past her shyness in order to save her sister’s integrity, her friend’s happiness, and her city’s existence from his manipulating grip. A much bolder Paige exposes the visionary’s ruthless game, follows him into exile to retrieve a precious belonging, and leads a team of allies to save her city from his vengeance. Through her oft-dangerous, yet light-hearted adventures, Paige is accompanied by a diverse cast of unforgettable friends. She learns that shyness is not a state of existence, but a choice – that her character is really the sum of her actions – and becomes the hero she never expected she could be.
ANGEL UNDERCOVER is an 84,000 word YA fantasy. It is my first novel and it sets up for sequels.
Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards,
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear [Agent name],
I chose to submit to you because [personalized tidbit about agent].
Fourteen year old Paige Moss is a bleeding-heart humanitarian optimist held captive by her own timid nature. But when she is kidnapped by a deranged visionary, Paige must get past her shyness in order to save her sister’s integrity, her friend’s happiness, and her city’s existence from his manipulating grip. A much bolder Paige exposes the visionary’s ruthless game, follows him into exile to retrieve a precious belonging, and leads a team of allies to save her city from his vengeance. Through her oft-dangerous, yet light-hearted adventures, Paige is accompanied by a diverse cast of unforgettable friends. She learns that shyness is not a state of existence, but a choice – that her character is really the sum of her actions – and becomes the hero she never expected she could be.
ANGEL UNDERCOVER is an 84,000 word YA fantasy. It is my first novel and it sets up for sequels.
Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards,
Query- Severed Ties
Dear Agent,
I am seeking representation for my novel, Severed Ties, complete at 114,000 words.
Three hundred and twenty three passengers feared dead. For Suzanne Taylor, surviving the fiery crash of Flight 148 is bittersweet. Her infant son, Caleb, is missing and presumed dead.
Waking from a coma a week after the accident, Suzanne is told that her son is dead. Her dreams tell her otherwise. Suzanne’s dreams show Caleb growing older with each passing month, causing her to believe that her son is still alive. Her marriage begins to unravel as Suzanne continues to pursue her quest for the truth. A torrid affair with a handsome N.T.S.B. investigator further damages her fragile union. A year after the crash, Suzanne seeks out a fellow survivor who may have answers regarding her son’s fate. As the survivor recalls the final moments of Caleb’s life, a cry from the next room reveals the awful truth.
Thank you for your time and your consideration.
Sincerely,
D. Ross
I am seeking representation for my novel, Severed Ties, complete at 114,000 words.
Three hundred and twenty three passengers feared dead. For Suzanne Taylor, surviving the fiery crash of Flight 148 is bittersweet. Her infant son, Caleb, is missing and presumed dead.
Waking from a coma a week after the accident, Suzanne is told that her son is dead. Her dreams tell her otherwise. Suzanne’s dreams show Caleb growing older with each passing month, causing her to believe that her son is still alive. Her marriage begins to unravel as Suzanne continues to pursue her quest for the truth. A torrid affair with a handsome N.T.S.B. investigator further damages her fragile union. A year after the crash, Suzanne seeks out a fellow survivor who may have answers regarding her son’s fate. As the survivor recalls the final moments of Caleb’s life, a cry from the next room reveals the awful truth.
Thank you for your time and your consideration.
Sincerely,
D. Ross
Query- The Vampire, the Witch & the Wardrobe
Dear Ms. Jackson:
Only something seriously nasty would drag Dr. Bebe Zachary home to San Francisco. If her grandmother’s accidental overdose weren’t bad enough, her cousins have filed to overturn Grandma Petrov’s will and lost their coven’s Book of Shadows in the process. The only way to get the politically incriminating Book back is to buy the wardrobe it’s hidden in at the estate auction. Except she’s outbid by the only thing more infuriating than her idiotic cousins--a vampire. Not just any vampire, but the coven master of the western United States, Caesar Augustine.
Caesar’s siblings think he’s insane for jumping smack dab in the middle of a witches’ civil war. He’d be the first person to admit it’s the last place he wants to be, but Natasha Petrov’s death was no accident. Someone’s found out she was working on a cure for the vampire virus, and her notes have disappeared. If he ever wants to be human again, his only choice is to stay close to Natasha’s heir, her granddaughter Bebe. And the luscious witch provides a temptation more dangerous than the assassins after her.
The Vampire, the Witch & the Wardrobe is a 90,000-word urban fantasy novel with romantic elements and has finaled in two RWA contests. I have attached the first five pages for your review.
I am a member of Romance Writers of America, and I’m active in the West Houston chapter. As a recovering attorney, I currently write a legal column for the Texas Highway Patrol Magazine.
Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely yours,
Suzan Harden
Only something seriously nasty would drag Dr. Bebe Zachary home to San Francisco. If her grandmother’s accidental overdose weren’t bad enough, her cousins have filed to overturn Grandma Petrov’s will and lost their coven’s Book of Shadows in the process. The only way to get the politically incriminating Book back is to buy the wardrobe it’s hidden in at the estate auction. Except she’s outbid by the only thing more infuriating than her idiotic cousins--a vampire. Not just any vampire, but the coven master of the western United States, Caesar Augustine.
Caesar’s siblings think he’s insane for jumping smack dab in the middle of a witches’ civil war. He’d be the first person to admit it’s the last place he wants to be, but Natasha Petrov’s death was no accident. Someone’s found out she was working on a cure for the vampire virus, and her notes have disappeared. If he ever wants to be human again, his only choice is to stay close to Natasha’s heir, her granddaughter Bebe. And the luscious witch provides a temptation more dangerous than the assassins after her.
The Vampire, the Witch & the Wardrobe is a 90,000-word urban fantasy novel with romantic elements and has finaled in two RWA contests. I have attached the first five pages for your review.
I am a member of Romance Writers of America, and I’m active in the West Houston chapter. As a recovering attorney, I currently write a legal column for the Texas Highway Patrol Magazine.
Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely yours,
Suzan Harden
QUERY- First Degree Innocence
Dear (Agent Name):
Carrie Lang’s sheltered life ends with a prison sentence when she’s wrongfully convicted for involvement in a bank robbery. Her arrest comes on the day she’s called in sick and stayed inside, so she has no explanation why an eye-witness describes her in great detail, right down to the make and model of her car.
Someone’s made a terrible mistake, but her continued plea of innocence falls on deaf ears, even among her fellow inmates. Her woes increase when the prison bully sets her sights on Carrie as a cellmate. There's a plan for retribution brewing, and naïve Carrie finds herself smack dab in the middle of it. Her ten year sentence seems mild when death becomes a very real option for refusing to participate.
First Degree Innocence, my women's fiction/romantic suspense, is nearing completion at a length suitable for mainstream publishing. This story of a woman wrongly incarcerated is not for the faint of heart, even when a handsome male guard enters the picture. I'm sure readers will sense the terror, isolation and cold gray interior of prison life while walking in my heroine's shoes.
I’ve researched your website, admire what I see, and have read positive feedback from those you represent. Like most authors, I aspire to bigger and better things and I would love to team with you. I write in the genres you seek and am an award nominated, multi-published author already contracted with several small houses. I’ve recently sold two short stories to a new romance magazine.
My love for writing and past experience in creating and editing forms/publications for my position at the University of California nurtured my desire to be an author. Aside from a personal website featuring excerpts from my published work, I maintain a very active blog and membership to a multitude of author/reader groups and promotional sites. I also participate in two critique groups that have been very helpful. I can be reached at (redacted)if you have questions, or I respond very well to email at (redacted)
I realize you are very busy, so I thank you for your time and attention. I hope my query has piqued your curiosity about Carrie’s claim of First Degree Innocence.
Carrie Lang’s sheltered life ends with a prison sentence when she’s wrongfully convicted for involvement in a bank robbery. Her arrest comes on the day she’s called in sick and stayed inside, so she has no explanation why an eye-witness describes her in great detail, right down to the make and model of her car.
Someone’s made a terrible mistake, but her continued plea of innocence falls on deaf ears, even among her fellow inmates. Her woes increase when the prison bully sets her sights on Carrie as a cellmate. There's a plan for retribution brewing, and naïve Carrie finds herself smack dab in the middle of it. Her ten year sentence seems mild when death becomes a very real option for refusing to participate.
First Degree Innocence, my women's fiction/romantic suspense, is nearing completion at a length suitable for mainstream publishing. This story of a woman wrongly incarcerated is not for the faint of heart, even when a handsome male guard enters the picture. I'm sure readers will sense the terror, isolation and cold gray interior of prison life while walking in my heroine's shoes.
I’ve researched your website, admire what I see, and have read positive feedback from those you represent. Like most authors, I aspire to bigger and better things and I would love to team with you. I write in the genres you seek and am an award nominated, multi-published author already contracted with several small houses. I’ve recently sold two short stories to a new romance magazine.
My love for writing and past experience in creating and editing forms/publications for my position at the University of California nurtured my desire to be an author. Aside from a personal website featuring excerpts from my published work, I maintain a very active blog and membership to a multitude of author/reader groups and promotional sites. I also participate in two critique groups that have been very helpful. I can be reached at (redacted)if you have questions, or I respond very well to email at (redacted)
I realize you are very busy, so I thank you for your time and attention. I hope my query has piqued your curiosity about Carrie’s claim of First Degree Innocence.
Apr 14, 2009
Query--Doesn't Matter Anyway
Dear Mr./Ms. Agent-for-a-day:
I am writing to gauge your interest in representing, “Doesn’t Matter Anyway,” a 120,000-word (390-page typescript) work of adult fiction. I understand [because of my careful research] that you have a particular interest in literary coming-of-age novels.
Alan is an eleven-year-old boy in a small Midwestern city just starting to understand that the frightening violence his dad inflicts on his mom at night is something he needs to keep secret outside the house. Increasingly resentful and unsure about who to trust, Alan only succeeds in isolating himself—from his best friend since first grade, who is more cool and outgoing and impatient with Alan’s clinginess; from his friend’s parents, who offer a seductive vision of a normal family life; and from his mom, who seems more interested in keeping Alan a little kid than in getting away from the violence. We follow Alan over the next two years as he grows more independent and more confident that he can ride out this situation without anyone else’s help. But he’s unaware of how he is becoming a volatile ingredient to the situation himself, nudging his parents out of their old patterns and into dangerous new territory.
I am a freelance journalist and copywriter and a college writing teacher, and “Doesn’t Matter Anyway” is my first novel. Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Yours sincerely,
R. E. Dacted
I am writing to gauge your interest in representing, “Doesn’t Matter Anyway,” a 120,000-word (390-page typescript) work of adult fiction. I understand [because of my careful research] that you have a particular interest in literary coming-of-age novels.
Alan is an eleven-year-old boy in a small Midwestern city just starting to understand that the frightening violence his dad inflicts on his mom at night is something he needs to keep secret outside the house. Increasingly resentful and unsure about who to trust, Alan only succeeds in isolating himself—from his best friend since first grade, who is more cool and outgoing and impatient with Alan’s clinginess; from his friend’s parents, who offer a seductive vision of a normal family life; and from his mom, who seems more interested in keeping Alan a little kid than in getting away from the violence. We follow Alan over the next two years as he grows more independent and more confident that he can ride out this situation without anyone else’s help. But he’s unaware of how he is becoming a volatile ingredient to the situation himself, nudging his parents out of their old patterns and into dangerous new territory.
I am a freelance journalist and copywriter and a college writing teacher, and “Doesn’t Matter Anyway” is my first novel. Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Yours sincerely,
R. E. Dacted
Query- Everlasting
Dear ________:
When you die, you’re supposed to go to Everlasting. That’s what the souls believe. But Jeanne has been dead for hundreds of years and yet she aimlessly wanders the halls of The Lourve in modern-day Paris.
Her aimlessness ends the day she encounters Etienne Armand, a fashion designer on the brink of ruin. Finding that he can see her shocks her into realizing that she has forgotten who she was and how she died. She now feels compelled to investigate memories of her past with the help of two other souls who have resisted fading. While painful memories of her tragic history slowly emerge, she is inexorably drawn into the world of the living as she embarks on a plan to help Etienne save his failing couture house, and they recognize a mutual attraction with roots in her previous life.
In the beginning of her quest, Jeanne is eager only to find the resolution which will allow her to fade. But, soon it is apparent there is a mystery involved in her identity and the details of recorded history. Is she really the daughter of famous painter, Elizabeth Vigee Le Brun? Did her mother take the place of Marie Antoinette on the guillotine?
Jeanne comes to realize that Everlasting is not just where souls go when they fade, it’s also emotions and relationships that continue through the centuries. With this comprehension, she becomes desperate to stay in the land of the living, but fading is not the choice of the soul.
Everlasting is romantic fiction, with a supernatural twist, completed at 75,000 words for which I am seeking representation. Thank you for your time and kind consideration.
Sincerely,
me
When you die, you’re supposed to go to Everlasting. That’s what the souls believe. But Jeanne has been dead for hundreds of years and yet she aimlessly wanders the halls of The Lourve in modern-day Paris.
Her aimlessness ends the day she encounters Etienne Armand, a fashion designer on the brink of ruin. Finding that he can see her shocks her into realizing that she has forgotten who she was and how she died. She now feels compelled to investigate memories of her past with the help of two other souls who have resisted fading. While painful memories of her tragic history slowly emerge, she is inexorably drawn into the world of the living as she embarks on a plan to help Etienne save his failing couture house, and they recognize a mutual attraction with roots in her previous life.
In the beginning of her quest, Jeanne is eager only to find the resolution which will allow her to fade. But, soon it is apparent there is a mystery involved in her identity and the details of recorded history. Is she really the daughter of famous painter, Elizabeth Vigee Le Brun? Did her mother take the place of Marie Antoinette on the guillotine?
Jeanne comes to realize that Everlasting is not just where souls go when they fade, it’s also emotions and relationships that continue through the centuries. With this comprehension, she becomes desperate to stay in the land of the living, but fading is not the choice of the soul.
Everlasting is romantic fiction, with a supernatural twist, completed at 75,000 words for which I am seeking representation. Thank you for your time and kind consideration.
Sincerely,
me
Query- SOCIAL UPGRADE
Dear _______,
I'm seeking representation for my YA sci-fi novel, SOCIAL UPGRADE, complete at 75,000 words.
Max Foster's 16th birthday isn't quite what he expected. Maybe it's the insanely advanced phone his quirky uncle gives him, or the discovery that he has two identical brothers living in...well, they aren't exactly in the Boston area. Or it could be the holographic snakes that no one else can see wreaking havoc at his Starbucks.
Now Max and his newfound brothers Liam and Gabe are in the "game"- at least, that's what Uncle Renard calls it- a mission to stop the wi-fi breeding snakes from spreading a deadly virus that's already claimed thousands of lives around the world. Armed with their phones, they can travel to any city threatened with an outbreak using the TeleTransitSystem, and download any skill they need thanks to the handy Ad-I (Additional Intelligence) widget.
But when they find the source of the virus- a program designed by a scientist-turned-religious zealot- the three boys also discover who- or what- they really are. The program wasn't intended to kill humans...it was designed to kill them. And they may be mankind's only hope for survival.
I'm an ESL teacher, and SOCIAL UPGRADE is my first novel.
I appreciate your time and consideration!
I'm seeking representation for my YA sci-fi novel, SOCIAL UPGRADE, complete at 75,000 words.
Max Foster's 16th birthday isn't quite what he expected. Maybe it's the insanely advanced phone his quirky uncle gives him, or the discovery that he has two identical brothers living in...well, they aren't exactly in the Boston area. Or it could be the holographic snakes that no one else can see wreaking havoc at his Starbucks.
Now Max and his newfound brothers Liam and Gabe are in the "game"- at least, that's what Uncle Renard calls it- a mission to stop the wi-fi breeding snakes from spreading a deadly virus that's already claimed thousands of lives around the world. Armed with their phones, they can travel to any city threatened with an outbreak using the TeleTransitSystem, and download any skill they need thanks to the handy Ad-I (Additional Intelligence) widget.
But when they find the source of the virus- a program designed by a scientist-turned-religious zealot- the three boys also discover who- or what- they really are. The program wasn't intended to kill humans...it was designed to kill them. And they may be mankind's only hope for survival.
I'm an ESL teacher, and SOCIAL UPGRADE is my first novel.
I appreciate your time and consideration!
Query- Hollow
Dear [Agent's Name]:
[Personalized paragraph if this agent likes such things]
After Malayka sees her parents kill each other mere feet away from her, guilt threatens to overwhelm her - the guilt threatens the wall she's built around herself to survive all the disappointment and pain she's suffered through in her life. Malayka blames herself for her mother's death. After all, her mother picked the fatal fight because of her. Malayka's father had always started and finished the many fights that came before the last one.
At their parents' funeral, Malayka and C.J. meet the aunt, uncle and cousin they are to live with now for the first time. When they arrive in Blue Crest, Virginia, Malayka is forced into a new life of privilege many would love, but she doesn't want it. Malayka, who deals with the past by not dealing with it and who deals with emotion by not allowing herself to feel any, will be stripped of her defenses. While trying to find a way to be normal and blend in, she will find that the past she seeks to avoid continually plagues her present. When a visitor from her past shows up and threatens to destroy her hopes for a normal future, she is forced to realize that ignoring the past is not a viable way of putting it behind her.
HOLLOW is a 78,000-word multicultural young adult novel. It is a coming-of-age story with plot twists similar to those of a psychological thriller. This is a story about how domestic violence affects an entire family. It is also about healing and moving on after experiencing tragedy in life.
There is potential for both a prequel and a sequel, but HOLLOW is capable of standing on its own. Currently, I do not have any published work to my credit. I hope you have enjoyed learning a little about HOLLOW. Have a wonderful day.
Thank you,
Nicole Green
[Contact Info Redacted]
[Personalized paragraph if this agent likes such things]
After Malayka sees her parents kill each other mere feet away from her, guilt threatens to overwhelm her - the guilt threatens the wall she's built around herself to survive all the disappointment and pain she's suffered through in her life. Malayka blames herself for her mother's death. After all, her mother picked the fatal fight because of her. Malayka's father had always started and finished the many fights that came before the last one.
At their parents' funeral, Malayka and C.J. meet the aunt, uncle and cousin they are to live with now for the first time. When they arrive in Blue Crest, Virginia, Malayka is forced into a new life of privilege many would love, but she doesn't want it. Malayka, who deals with the past by not dealing with it and who deals with emotion by not allowing herself to feel any, will be stripped of her defenses. While trying to find a way to be normal and blend in, she will find that the past she seeks to avoid continually plagues her present. When a visitor from her past shows up and threatens to destroy her hopes for a normal future, she is forced to realize that ignoring the past is not a viable way of putting it behind her.
HOLLOW is a 78,000-word multicultural young adult novel. It is a coming-of-age story with plot twists similar to those of a psychological thriller. This is a story about how domestic violence affects an entire family. It is also about healing and moving on after experiencing tragedy in life.
There is potential for both a prequel and a sequel, but HOLLOW is capable of standing on its own. Currently, I do not have any published work to my credit. I hope you have enjoyed learning a little about HOLLOW. Have a wonderful day.
Thank you,
Nicole Green
[Contact Info Redacted]
Apr 13, 2009
Query- Midnight
Date
Agent Name-spelled-right
Literary Agency
Address
Address
Dear Agent Name-spelled-right,
Midnight is the first novel in a completed urban fantasy series. Life in rural 1985 Kentucky doesn't equate to simple life when Samantha Clark discovers that what she always believed was garden variety depression is genetically-inherited vampirism. As she struggles to leave behind a life of abuse and emotional disintegration, she also learns what it is to be a vampire--nothing like the books and movies--through the support and guidance of Jeremy, Steve, and her mentor Michael, all of whom share her genetic predisposition and have undertaken similar journeys. Not only does Sami awaken to her vampiric nature, but she also sheds her past perceptions of what she thought she had to be and discovers who she needs to be: her true self after all, in the arms of the Family she always longed for, as an unwanted child who never knew the truth of her roots, of her mother and father.
I grew up in the mountains of southeastern Kentucky. My poetry and short stories have appeared in the Stories from the Red Light District anthology, the Aegri Somnia anthology, the upcoming Harlan County Horrors anthology, and the Help anthology. I am a member of the Toasted Cheese online writing community, a contributing editor for Apex Magazine, and an independent book reviewer and editor.
I declare that I am the author and sole owner of Midnight, and the Harlan Vampire Series as a whole, and that it is original and contains no unlawful content, nor does it violate the rights of any third party.
I have included a one page synopsis of Midnight with this letter and will send the completed manuscript (106,481 words) or a portion at your request. I look forward to your response. Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Mari Adkins
[[contact information]]
Agent Name-spelled-right
Literary Agency
Address
Address
Dear Agent Name-spelled-right,
Midnight is the first novel in a completed urban fantasy series. Life in rural 1985 Kentucky doesn't equate to simple life when Samantha Clark discovers that what she always believed was garden variety depression is genetically-inherited vampirism. As she struggles to leave behind a life of abuse and emotional disintegration, she also learns what it is to be a vampire--nothing like the books and movies--through the support and guidance of Jeremy, Steve, and her mentor Michael, all of whom share her genetic predisposition and have undertaken similar journeys. Not only does Sami awaken to her vampiric nature, but she also sheds her past perceptions of what she thought she had to be and discovers who she needs to be: her true self after all, in the arms of the Family she always longed for, as an unwanted child who never knew the truth of her roots, of her mother and father.
I grew up in the mountains of southeastern Kentucky. My poetry and short stories have appeared in the Stories from the Red Light District anthology, the Aegri Somnia anthology, the upcoming Harlan County Horrors anthology, and the Help anthology. I am a member of the Toasted Cheese online writing community, a contributing editor for Apex Magazine, and an independent book reviewer and editor.
I declare that I am the author and sole owner of Midnight, and the Harlan Vampire Series as a whole, and that it is original and contains no unlawful content, nor does it violate the rights of any third party.
I have included a one page synopsis of Midnight with this letter and will send the completed manuscript (106,481 words) or a portion at your request. I look forward to your response. Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Mari Adkins
[[contact information]]
Query - Quest Support
A revision of this query has been posted. Click here to read it.
A second revision has been posted. Click here to read it.
Dear (Agent),
An Ancient Evil has arisen, but a Cryptic Prophecy speaks of a Young Boy who will wield a Mystic Sword and defeat it. Gilbert Gaberlunzie has seen this tired old plot play out more times than he can count. Gilbert works at Quest Support, a call center that provides assistance to Heroes, Villains, and anyone else involved in Quests. Even though he’s sure he’d make a better adventurer than any of the idiots who call him, Gilbert is satisfied where he is. He loves…well, tolerates his job, and wants nothing more than to sit in his cubicle and drink coffee.
Things don’t work out quite that way. When Gilbert accidentally gets an extra-stupid Hero killed during the Final Battle with the Dark Lord, he puts the whole world in peril and loses his job to boot. Since his knowledge of fantasy clichés isn’t good for much else, Gilbert decides to defeat the Dark Lord himself and set things right. After doing interviews for party members and appropriating some malfunctioning magical artifacts from his ex-employer, Gilbert sets off on a journey down the well-trodden paths of fantasydom. His feet may hurt and he may be hopeless with a sword, but Gilbert is sure he’s ready for anything the genre throws at him, whether it’s elves, goblins, an oracle, or those giant spiders that always live in caves. But can he handle the inevitable Plot Twist?
QUEST SUPPORT is complete at 94,000 words. It is a lighthearted fantasy that pokes some good-natured fun at the genre’s clichés, and is a perfect antidote to the flood of Tired Tolkien Clones out there. It will appeal to readers sick of clueless cardboard characters, or anyone who’s ever wondered when Heroes wash their socks.
Thank you for your consideration,
Me
A second revision has been posted. Click here to read it.
Dear (Agent),
An Ancient Evil has arisen, but a Cryptic Prophecy speaks of a Young Boy who will wield a Mystic Sword and defeat it. Gilbert Gaberlunzie has seen this tired old plot play out more times than he can count. Gilbert works at Quest Support, a call center that provides assistance to Heroes, Villains, and anyone else involved in Quests. Even though he’s sure he’d make a better adventurer than any of the idiots who call him, Gilbert is satisfied where he is. He loves…well, tolerates his job, and wants nothing more than to sit in his cubicle and drink coffee.
Things don’t work out quite that way. When Gilbert accidentally gets an extra-stupid Hero killed during the Final Battle with the Dark Lord, he puts the whole world in peril and loses his job to boot. Since his knowledge of fantasy clichés isn’t good for much else, Gilbert decides to defeat the Dark Lord himself and set things right. After doing interviews for party members and appropriating some malfunctioning magical artifacts from his ex-employer, Gilbert sets off on a journey down the well-trodden paths of fantasydom. His feet may hurt and he may be hopeless with a sword, but Gilbert is sure he’s ready for anything the genre throws at him, whether it’s elves, goblins, an oracle, or those giant spiders that always live in caves. But can he handle the inevitable Plot Twist?
QUEST SUPPORT is complete at 94,000 words. It is a lighthearted fantasy that pokes some good-natured fun at the genre’s clichés, and is a perfect antidote to the flood of Tired Tolkien Clones out there. It will appeal to readers sick of clueless cardboard characters, or anyone who’s ever wondered when Heroes wash their socks.
Thank you for your consideration,
Me
Query Drought, Send Help!
I know Nathan Bransford is posting 50 queries today in his Agent For a Day contest, and that many of you know about this blog because you read about it on Nathan's...but still, we're running low on queries and I know they are out there! Don't let other activities stop you from posting here.
:-(
Tell your fiends in your online and real-world writing groups about this Public Query Slushpile, and let's see if we can build up some new momentum!
:-(
Tell your fiends in your online and real-world writing groups about this Public Query Slushpile, and let's see if we can build up some new momentum!
Apr 7, 2009
Query Revision 2: HOUND IN BLOOD AND BLACK
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Agent,
Kumari is a wrangler; a poacher and a gambler who catches zombies and fights them against one another as gladiators. All she wanted to do was live and die without becoming a monster. In a broken Earth populated by undead, slavers, drought and greed, this isn’t as easy as it sounds.
Kumari’s simple life changes from one of survival to something much more complicated when she wins a girl in a risky gamble – a child-slave desperate to find something to live for in the world Kumari has forsaken – and is forced to kill her closet friend when he is bitten by an undead. When running to a new city in hopes of escaping her pain causes more problems than it solves, Kumari faces the loss of the only thing worth living for when she is infected by a zombie bite: her humanity.
HOUND IN BLOOD AND BLACK, complete at approximately 100,000 words, is science fiction/horror. Kumari’s story explores a new kind of future where existing isn’t just about running from and killing zombies, but fighting them against each other in gladiatorial combat – the only way left for mankind to prove to themselves that they aren’t the real monsters.
In January 2009, my short story Savage was published in Monstrous: 20 Tales of Giant Creature Terror by Permuted Press. Recently, Savage was republished in the April 2009 issue of the Apex online magazine.
Thank you for your consideration,
E. Anderson
http://thescreamingguppy.blogspot.com/
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Agent,
Kumari is a wrangler; a poacher and a gambler who catches zombies and fights them against one another as gladiators. All she wanted to do was live and die without becoming a monster. In a broken Earth populated by undead, slavers, drought and greed, this isn’t as easy as it sounds.
Kumari’s simple life changes from one of survival to something much more complicated when she wins a girl in a risky gamble – a child-slave desperate to find something to live for in the world Kumari has forsaken – and is forced to kill her closet friend when he is bitten by an undead. When running to a new city in hopes of escaping her pain causes more problems than it solves, Kumari faces the loss of the only thing worth living for when she is infected by a zombie bite: her humanity.
HOUND IN BLOOD AND BLACK, complete at approximately 100,000 words, is science fiction/horror. Kumari’s story explores a new kind of future where existing isn’t just about running from and killing zombies, but fighting them against each other in gladiatorial combat – the only way left for mankind to prove to themselves that they aren’t the real monsters.
In January 2009, my short story Savage was published in Monstrous: 20 Tales of Giant Creature Terror by Permuted Press. Recently, Savage was republished in the April 2009 issue of the Apex online magazine.
Thank you for your consideration,
E. Anderson
http://thescreamingguppy.blogspot.com/
Show and Tell
One challenge many of us face is telling our readers what happens instead of showing them what happens. This can impact our manuscripts and our queries, and not in the way we want...
Sarah Garrigues has a great post on her blog addressing this subject, click here to read it. She does a great job of exploring writing that is character-driven vs. plot driven, and she has many links to other resources to further explore this important topic.
Oh, one more thing...submit more queries! I know they are out there...
Sarah Garrigues has a great post on her blog addressing this subject, click here to read it. She does a great job of exploring writing that is character-driven vs. plot driven, and she has many links to other resources to further explore this important topic.
Oh, one more thing...submit more queries! I know they are out there...
Apr 6, 2009
QUERY- FATE'S GUARDIAN (Revision 1)
Click here to read the original query.
Attn:,
In thirteenth century France, a wandering Troubadour kills a man in an attempt to earn the love of his abused wife, Desiree, but the Troubadour’s efforts are in vain. Unable to deal with Desiree’s rejection, the Troubadour kidnaps her and they both die in a murder-suicide. Desiree and her husband move on to reincarnate into new lives, but the Troubadour remains earthbound, trapped as a ghost.
Desperate to cross over and find Desiree, the Troubadour wanders the globe, searching for people on the brink of death and clinging to them in hope of finding a soul strong enough to carry him through the light. Most slip from his grasp and cross over without him. Occasionally his grip is tight enough to hold the soul back, and when he does he grows stronger by consuming its energy - but he also absorbs its memories, and in doing so obscures his own.
Centuries later the Troubadour’s past resurfaces when he runs into Gil Jacobs and Julie Flaherty, who are the reincarnated souls of Desiree and her husband. Gil and Julie were born into this life to find the Troubadour and bring him back, but the Troubadour has other plans - his hunger for power is stronger than his desire to live again. The resulting struggle puts Gil’s soul in peril, and Julie sacrifices herself to the Troubadour so that Gil can die and escape to the other side.
FATE'S GUARDIAN is complete at 110,000 words. It is a supernatural thriller directed toward a commercial fiction audience, and first in a series titled DESTINY'S WILL. I have been writing professionally for business for the past eight years, including technical and training manuals, copywriting, press releases, and business proposals.
I am asking for your representation because I did my research and know you are an awesome agent who represents this kind of fiction. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Regards,
Attn:
In thirteenth century France, a wandering Troubadour kills a man in an attempt to earn the love of his abused wife, Desiree, but the Troubadour’s efforts are in vain. Unable to deal with Desiree’s rejection, the Troubadour kidnaps her and they both die in a murder-suicide. Desiree and her husband move on to reincarnate into new lives, but the Troubadour remains earthbound, trapped as a ghost.
Desperate to cross over and find Desiree, the Troubadour wanders the globe, searching for people on the brink of death and clinging to them in hope of finding a soul strong enough to carry him through the light. Most slip from his grasp and cross over without him. Occasionally his grip is tight enough to hold the soul back, and when he does he grows stronger by consuming its energy - but he also absorbs its memories, and in doing so obscures his own.
Centuries later the Troubadour’s past resurfaces when he runs into Gil Jacobs and Julie Flaherty, who are the reincarnated souls of Desiree and her husband. Gil and Julie were born into this life to find the Troubadour and bring him back, but the Troubadour has other plans - his hunger for power is stronger than his desire to live again. The resulting struggle puts Gil’s soul in peril, and Julie sacrifices herself to the Troubadour so that Gil can die and escape to the other side.
FATE'S GUARDIAN is complete at 110,000 words. It is a supernatural thriller directed toward a commercial fiction audience, and first in a series titled DESTINY'S WILL. I have been writing professionally for business for the past eight years, including technical and training manuals, copywriting, press releases, and business proposals.
I am asking for your representation because I did my research and know you are an awesome agent who represents this kind of fiction. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Regards,
QUERY- THE AMAZING TALE OF RUDY TOOT-TOOT (Revision 1)
Click here to read the original query.
Attn: [agent],
Please consider my 500 word contemporary picture book, THE AMAZING TALE OF RUDY TOOT-TOOT. This quirky comedy is directed to the 2-6 year age range and should appeal to kids (and adults!) who liked WALTER THE FARTING DOG.
Rudy Toot-Toot was born on a bean farm. He has an amazing gift - at least he thinks it is amazing – but I’ll tell you about that in a second. He also has an amazing problem: Rudy Toot-Toot does not know how to use any manners. His family tries to eat dinner, but can barely even get started because of Rudy’s antics. “Rudy Toot-Toot! How rude!” the family exclaims repeatedly. But when Rudy starts eating his beans, his amazing gift takes over…and the family had better run for cover!
I have been writing professionally for business for the past eight years, including copywriting, press releases, and proposals. THE AMAZING TALE OF RUDY TOOT-TOOT is my first picture book manuscript, inspired by my own two sons.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Attn: [agent],
Please consider my 500 word contemporary picture book, THE AMAZING TALE OF RUDY TOOT-TOOT. This quirky comedy is directed to the 2-6 year age range and should appeal to kids (and adults!) who liked WALTER THE FARTING DOG.
Rudy Toot-Toot was born on a bean farm. He has an amazing gift - at least he thinks it is amazing – but I’ll tell you about that in a second. He also has an amazing problem: Rudy Toot-Toot does not know how to use any manners. His family tries to eat dinner, but can barely even get started because of Rudy’s antics. “Rudy Toot-Toot! How rude!” the family exclaims repeatedly. But when Rudy starts eating his beans, his amazing gift takes over…and the family had better run for cover!
I have been writing professionally for business for the past eight years, including copywriting, press releases, and proposals. THE AMAZING TALE OF RUDY TOOT-TOOT is my first picture book manuscript, inspired by my own two sons.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Query Revision: HOUND IN BLOOD AND BLACK
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the second revision.
Dear Agent,
All Kumari wanted was to live and die without becoming a monster; for Heaven, the child slave, there was nothing worth living for in the broken remains of a world lost to the undead – a place where men are more twisted than the walking corpses roaming the inland. Clean water and peaceful sleep are things of the past. After all, a barricade of rusted metal, broken glass and mercenaries with guns isn’t always enough to keep the dead out. And for some, it’s all about letting them in.
Kumari is a wrangler, a poacher and a gambler who catches undead and fights them against one another in the pit as gladiators. When she wins a dangerous gamble against her greatest rival, Kumari finds herself in possession of Heaven. Granting the girl freedom is the catalyst for a series of dangerous events, one of which forces Kumari to face the death of a treasured friend after she pulls the trigger. From there, mere survival becomes much more complicated.
As Heaven struggles between the acceptance of misery and the chance to live for herself, Kumari stares in the maw of her greatest fear when she is bitten by an undead and the death she believes so strongly in is threatened.
HOUND IN BLOOD AND BLACK, 101,500 words, is dystopian fiction with horror, thriller and science fiction elements. It explores a new kind of future where existing isn’t just about running from and killing zombies, but about the struggles humanity faces after the dust has settled and the world has died.
In January 2009, my short story Savage was published in Monstrous: 20 Tales of Giant Creature Terror by Permuted Press. I have samples of both my professional writing and fiction posted on my blog at http://www.thescreamingguppy.blogspot.com/.
Thank you for your consideration,
E. Anderson
Click here to read the second revision.
Dear Agent,
All Kumari wanted was to live and die without becoming a monster; for Heaven, the child slave, there was nothing worth living for in the broken remains of a world lost to the undead – a place where men are more twisted than the walking corpses roaming the inland. Clean water and peaceful sleep are things of the past. After all, a barricade of rusted metal, broken glass and mercenaries with guns isn’t always enough to keep the dead out. And for some, it’s all about letting them in.
Kumari is a wrangler, a poacher and a gambler who catches undead and fights them against one another in the pit as gladiators. When she wins a dangerous gamble against her greatest rival, Kumari finds herself in possession of Heaven. Granting the girl freedom is the catalyst for a series of dangerous events, one of which forces Kumari to face the death of a treasured friend after she pulls the trigger. From there, mere survival becomes much more complicated.
As Heaven struggles between the acceptance of misery and the chance to live for herself, Kumari stares in the maw of her greatest fear when she is bitten by an undead and the death she believes so strongly in is threatened.
HOUND IN BLOOD AND BLACK, 101,500 words, is dystopian fiction with horror, thriller and science fiction elements. It explores a new kind of future where existing isn’t just about running from and killing zombies, but about the struggles humanity faces after the dust has settled and the world has died.
In January 2009, my short story Savage was published in Monstrous: 20 Tales of Giant Creature Terror by Permuted Press. I have samples of both my professional writing and fiction posted on my blog at http://www.thescreamingguppy.blogspot.com/.
Thank you for your consideration,
E. Anderson
Apr 3, 2009
Query vs. Manuscript
I had a partial request earlier this year. I take this as success on the query front, because the agent didn't reject the query. The problem is, the agent rejected the partial.
I did receive good feedback, though. The agent thought I was a talented writer, and that my premise is clever, but the narrative had too much exposition / backstory and not enough forward momentum. Some of the feedback paralleled comments from my critique group, but the agent had a better way of pointing it out. After receiving that feedback, I read through the manuscript again and I had to agree.
Truth of the matter is, this is my first novel, and by the time I finished draft 1 my storytelling improved, my plot thickened, and my writing style matured. That meant the whole first half of the book was sub-par, even though I revised it twice already.
But a revision, to me at least, is editing what was written. What I needed was a re-write. Completely new content for the first third of the book, at least. (Insert f-bomb here).
I took to the keyboard and started again from scratch, something I've dreaded for months, but in the back of my mind I knew it would be necessary.
Tell me: Are you sure your manuscript is ready for the next step, or is there a chance you are querying prematurely?
Where do you turn for manuscript critiques?
I did receive good feedback, though. The agent thought I was a talented writer, and that my premise is clever, but the narrative had too much exposition / backstory and not enough forward momentum. Some of the feedback paralleled comments from my critique group, but the agent had a better way of pointing it out. After receiving that feedback, I read through the manuscript again and I had to agree.
Truth of the matter is, this is my first novel, and by the time I finished draft 1 my storytelling improved, my plot thickened, and my writing style matured. That meant the whole first half of the book was sub-par, even though I revised it twice already.
But a revision, to me at least, is editing what was written. What I needed was a re-write. Completely new content for the first third of the book, at least. (Insert f-bomb here).
I took to the keyboard and started again from scratch, something I've dreaded for months, but in the back of my mind I knew it would be necessary.
Tell me: Are you sure your manuscript is ready for the next step, or is there a chance you are querying prematurely?
Where do you turn for manuscript critiques?
Apr 1, 2009
Revision 3- BROKEN
Click here to read the most recent revision.
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Dear [agent],
When American psychologist, Alec Sumner, sees Eli Burke take down a mugger with his cane on a busy London street, he is instantly smitten, but quickly learns this potential dream man is plagued by nightmares of his lover’s murder and unable – or unwilling – to move forward and love again.
Thanks to Ilsa, a former classmate and a woman with a room for rent, Alec soon finds himself living with the heartbroken young man and two other housemates: Tony, a self-absorbed, but gifted artist and Lyle, the artist’s often exasperated best friend. Ilsa quickly presses Alec into service, urging him to use his expertise to help her friend move beyond his trauma – with one stipulation – he must not know what Alec is doing.
As Eli fights his growing attraction to his new housemate and the possibilities that would bring, Alec struggles to satisfy Ilsa’s agenda while preserving his own romantic hopes for the two of them. With the support of their small family of friends, the two men move toward one another through a maze of mistrust, passion, and betrayal.
BROKEN is a 63,000 word work of gay fiction that reminds us that no matter what scars a person may carry, there are people out there who will support you through the pain, guide you past the fear, and love you back to life ... if you’re willing to live.
I worked as a copy editor for a daily newspaper for eight years, occasionally writing personal commentary and movie reviews. The full manuscript is available upon request.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Dear [agent],
When American psychologist, Alec Sumner, sees Eli Burke take down a mugger with his cane on a busy London street, he is instantly smitten, but quickly learns this potential dream man is plagued by nightmares of his lover’s murder and unable – or unwilling – to move forward and love again.
Thanks to Ilsa, a former classmate and a woman with a room for rent, Alec soon finds himself living with the heartbroken young man and two other housemates: Tony, a self-absorbed, but gifted artist and Lyle, the artist’s often exasperated best friend. Ilsa quickly presses Alec into service, urging him to use his expertise to help her friend move beyond his trauma – with one stipulation – he must not know what Alec is doing.
As Eli fights his growing attraction to his new housemate and the possibilities that would bring, Alec struggles to satisfy Ilsa’s agenda while preserving his own romantic hopes for the two of them. With the support of their small family of friends, the two men move toward one another through a maze of mistrust, passion, and betrayal.
BROKEN is a 63,000 word work of gay fiction that reminds us that no matter what scars a person may carry, there are people out there who will support you through the pain, guide you past the fear, and love you back to life ... if you’re willing to live.
I worked as a copy editor for a daily newspaper for eight years, occasionally writing personal commentary and movie reviews. The full manuscript is available upon request.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Mar 31, 2009
Revision 2 - BROKEN
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Dear [agent],
Psychologist Alec Sumner is standing on a busy London street, holding his friend Mirabell’s emerald green purse, and thinking about his last failed love affair when he sees Eli Burke take down a mugger with his cane. Alec is intrigued.
Thanks to the mechanizations of Ilsa, a former classmate and the owner of a house with a room for rent, he soon finds himself living with the handsome young man and races past intrigued to falling hard. Great, right? Wrong. Ilsa wants Alec to use his expertise and help Eli come to terms with seeing his lover murdered and nearly dying himself – all without Eli knowing what he's up to, of course.
Though he doesn’t buy into covert therapy, Alec struggles to find a way to help Eli heal without destroying his own romantic hopes for the two of them.
BROKEN is a 63,000 word work of gay fiction that reminds us that no matter what scars a person may carry, there are people out there who will support you through the pain, guide you past the fear, and love you back to life ... if you’re willing to live.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Dear [agent],
Psychologist Alec Sumner is standing on a busy London street, holding his friend Mirabell’s emerald green purse, and thinking about his last failed love affair when he sees Eli Burke take down a mugger with his cane. Alec is intrigued.
Thanks to the mechanizations of Ilsa, a former classmate and the owner of a house with a room for rent, he soon finds himself living with the handsome young man and races past intrigued to falling hard. Great, right? Wrong. Ilsa wants Alec to use his expertise and help Eli come to terms with seeing his lover murdered and nearly dying himself – all without Eli knowing what he's up to, of course.
Though he doesn’t buy into covert therapy, Alec struggles to find a way to help Eli heal without destroying his own romantic hopes for the two of them.
BROKEN is a 63,000 word work of gay fiction that reminds us that no matter what scars a person may carry, there are people out there who will support you through the pain, guide you past the fear, and love you back to life ... if you’re willing to live.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Mar 30, 2009
Revision 3--Larkin Shift and the Hall of Two Truths
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
An unknowing descendant of the WenWet priestesses, Larkin Shift doesn’t want to be different. She doesn’t want to develop her magical powers, but they have a mind of their own and her 8th grade teacher, Mr. Amurat, the one person that can help her, has been lured to the Egyptian underworld. He is a pawn in Principal Reameny’s plan to overtake Ra, the sun god, plunging Earth into darkness and chaos and it’s up to Larkin and her three friends to get him back safely.
The rescue mission begins with an unexpected consequence—Benny’s death—and though Ra’s light temporarily revives him, there is only hours until his condition becomes permanent.
Hindered by an ever-changing landscape with destructive mythical inhabitants and guided by an untrustworthy shape-shifting cat, Larkin must develop her powers to defeat the evil Principal Reameny, get Benny home alive, and overcome an unexpected betrayal—all before the next sunrise.
Larkin Shift and The Hall of Two Truths is a 45,000 word middle grade novel and is the first in a planned series.
This will be my final revision because I don't want to hog valuable space. Thanks to all who have helped me fine-tune and I wish everyone a lot of success!
Thoughts?
BFrischCPC@nycap.rr.com
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
An unknowing descendant of the WenWet priestesses, Larkin Shift doesn’t want to be different. She doesn’t want to develop her magical powers, but they have a mind of their own and her 8th grade teacher, Mr. Amurat, the one person that can help her, has been lured to the Egyptian underworld. He is a pawn in Principal Reameny’s plan to overtake Ra, the sun god, plunging Earth into darkness and chaos and it’s up to Larkin and her three friends to get him back safely.
The rescue mission begins with an unexpected consequence—Benny’s death—and though Ra’s light temporarily revives him, there is only hours until his condition becomes permanent.
Hindered by an ever-changing landscape with destructive mythical inhabitants and guided by an untrustworthy shape-shifting cat, Larkin must develop her powers to defeat the evil Principal Reameny, get Benny home alive, and overcome an unexpected betrayal—all before the next sunrise.
Larkin Shift and The Hall of Two Truths is a 45,000 word middle grade novel and is the first in a planned series.
This will be my final revision because I don't want to hog valuable space. Thanks to all who have helped me fine-tune and I wish everyone a lot of success!
Thoughts?
BFrischCPC@nycap.rr.com
Mar 29, 2009
Revision 1-BROKEN
Click here to read the original query.
A second revision has been posted. Click here to read it.
Click here to read the most recent revision.
Dear [agent],
Psychologist Alec Sumner was standing on a busy London street, holding his friend Mirabell’s emerald green purse, and thinking about his last failed love affair when he saw Eli Burke take down a mugger with his cane. Alec was intrigued.
A few weeks later, he finds himself living with the handsome young man and three other housemates: Tony, a self-absorbed gifted artist; Lyle, the artist’s often exasperated best friend; and Ilsa, Alec’s former college chum and owner of the house.
Hoping for romance, Alec quickly learns that Eli is not and the heartbreaking reasons why.
BROKEN is a 63,000 word work of gay fiction that reminds us that no matter what scars mark you, there may be people out there who will support you through the pain, guide you past the fear, and love you back to life ... if you are willing.
Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
A second revision has been posted. Click here to read it.
Click here to read the most recent revision.
Dear [agent],
Psychologist Alec Sumner was standing on a busy London street, holding his friend Mirabell’s emerald green purse, and thinking about his last failed love affair when he saw Eli Burke take down a mugger with his cane. Alec was intrigued.
A few weeks later, he finds himself living with the handsome young man and three other housemates: Tony, a self-absorbed gifted artist; Lyle, the artist’s often exasperated best friend; and Ilsa, Alec’s former college chum and owner of the house.
Hoping for romance, Alec quickly learns that Eli is not and the heartbreaking reasons why.
BROKEN is a 63,000 word work of gay fiction that reminds us that no matter what scars mark you, there may be people out there who will support you through the pain, guide you past the fear, and love you back to life ... if you are willing.
Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Revised Query--HENRY HAS NO HAIR
Click here to read the original query.
Thank you to everyone who posted feedback on my first query draft. I found the dialogue quite thought-provoking and it led me to do a complete re-write on the manuscript, involving a switch in point-of-view. Below I have included the newly drafted query (which reflects the drastic MS changes) and the first 200 words.
QUERY:
Dear Mr. Agent,
Life must be tough for Henry, the new kid. His baldhead looks silly and a bit odd. Lauren and I giggle about him on the way to school until her brother makes us stop. He said Henry’s probably sick or something.
But he doesn’t act sick. And he doesn’t seem to notice the other kids’ stares and teasing. He’s the best at kickball during recess and he sits with the loner at lunchtime. There sure is something different about Henry, besides his lack of hair. On the bus ride home, I find out what it is. He’s actually happy he’s bald. Weird. He tells me he’s glad there is no hair to get in his face or provide a target for his baby sister’s reaching hands to pull. Apparently, hats always fit him and he makes a great pirate for Halloween. He’s even got me believing that it would be nice to not worry about hair. Henry is most unique because he’s just happy to be Henry—and that makes me happy, too. Funny how that is.
HENRY HAS NO HAIR is complete at 1075 words. Readers witness a young girl’s prejudices and how they are challenged by a boy who does not allow the cosmetic debility of alopecia areata totalis to define who he is. Instead, she is roused by the way Henry embraces his unusual physical trait and is empowered by it. A subject close to my heart and home, my husband and I have the joy of raising our first son, a balding toddler with the spirit to take on the world.
Because of your interest in children’s picture books, as listed on your Publisher’s Marketplace page, I invite you to consider representing this manuscript, which is available upon request.
Thank you for your consideration and time.
FIRST 200 WORDS:
Who is that, I wondered as I walked to the bus stop. I haven’t seen him before. He must be new. I eyed him up and down. What’s wrong with him? He looks funny and a little bit weird. He must be sick, I decided.
After he said goodbye to his mom, he looked at me and smiled. I turned so quickly I almost tripped on my way to stand under the tree by Lauren and her older brother, Thomas.
On the bus, the boy sat a few rows in front of us.
“Did you see his head?” Lauren giggled. “He’s balder than my daddy!”
“Mine, too,” I chuckled back.
“Shh, you guys.” Thomas reprimanded. “He’s probably got leukemia or something. You shouldn’t be laughing at him.”
“He still looks silly, even if he is sick,” Lauren whispered to me with a gleam in her eyes.
I watched him talk excitedly to an older kid in the seat next to him. His book bag rested on the floor in front of him with a red baseball cap hooked to one of its straps.
If I were him, I wouldn’t ever take off my hat, I thought.
Thank you to everyone who posted feedback on my first query draft. I found the dialogue quite thought-provoking and it led me to do a complete re-write on the manuscript, involving a switch in point-of-view. Below I have included the newly drafted query (which reflects the drastic MS changes) and the first 200 words.
QUERY:
Dear Mr. Agent,
Life must be tough for Henry, the new kid. His baldhead looks silly and a bit odd. Lauren and I giggle about him on the way to school until her brother makes us stop. He said Henry’s probably sick or something.
But he doesn’t act sick. And he doesn’t seem to notice the other kids’ stares and teasing. He’s the best at kickball during recess and he sits with the loner at lunchtime. There sure is something different about Henry, besides his lack of hair. On the bus ride home, I find out what it is. He’s actually happy he’s bald. Weird. He tells me he’s glad there is no hair to get in his face or provide a target for his baby sister’s reaching hands to pull. Apparently, hats always fit him and he makes a great pirate for Halloween. He’s even got me believing that it would be nice to not worry about hair. Henry is most unique because he’s just happy to be Henry—and that makes me happy, too. Funny how that is.
HENRY HAS NO HAIR is complete at 1075 words. Readers witness a young girl’s prejudices and how they are challenged by a boy who does not allow the cosmetic debility of alopecia areata totalis to define who he is. Instead, she is roused by the way Henry embraces his unusual physical trait and is empowered by it. A subject close to my heart and home, my husband and I have the joy of raising our first son, a balding toddler with the spirit to take on the world.
Because of your interest in children’s picture books, as listed on your Publisher’s Marketplace page, I invite you to consider representing this manuscript, which is available upon request.
Thank you for your consideration and time.
FIRST 200 WORDS:
Who is that, I wondered as I walked to the bus stop. I haven’t seen him before. He must be new. I eyed him up and down. What’s wrong with him? He looks funny and a little bit weird. He must be sick, I decided.
After he said goodbye to his mom, he looked at me and smiled. I turned so quickly I almost tripped on my way to stand under the tree by Lauren and her older brother, Thomas.
On the bus, the boy sat a few rows in front of us.
“Did you see his head?” Lauren giggled. “He’s balder than my daddy!”
“Mine, too,” I chuckled back.
“Shh, you guys.” Thomas reprimanded. “He’s probably got leukemia or something. You shouldn’t be laughing at him.”
“He still looks silly, even if he is sick,” Lauren whispered to me with a gleam in her eyes.
I watched him talk excitedly to an older kid in the seat next to him. His book bag rested on the floor in front of him with a red baseball cap hooked to one of its straps.
If I were him, I wouldn’t ever take off my hat, I thought.
Mar 28, 2009
Revision2--Larkin Shift and the Hall of Two Truths.
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
An unknowing descendant of the ancient WenWet priestesses, Larkin Shift doesn’t want to be different. She doesn’t want to develop her magical powers, but they have a mind of their own and her 8th grade teacher, Mr. Amurat, the one person that can help her, has disappeared. Intuition says he’s used an ancient amulet to enter Duat, the Egyptian underworld, and it’s up to her and her friends to get him back safely.
But the rescue mission begins with an unexpected consequence—Benny’s death—and when Ra’s light temporarily revives him, there is only hours until his condition becomes permanent.
Larkin resolves to get Benny out of Duat alive and discovers she’s been lured into a trap by the nefarious Principal Reameny, a dark force disguised as a human with plans to overtake the sun god and rule Earth in eternal darkness and chaos.
Hindered by a dangerous, ever-changing landscape filled with destructive mythical creatures and guided by a shape-shifting cat, Larkin must develop her powers to defeat the true Principal Reameny, rescue Benny from Ammit, the soul eater, and overcome an unexpected betrayal by one of her own—all before the next sunrise.
Larkin Shift and The Hall of Two Truths is a 45,000 word middle grade novel and is the first in a planned series.
I have added a note that I plan to expand this out to be more than a stand-alone book, in spite of some online advice that warns against it. Any opinions on that?
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
An unknowing descendant of the ancient WenWet priestesses, Larkin Shift doesn’t want to be different. She doesn’t want to develop her magical powers, but they have a mind of their own and her 8th grade teacher, Mr. Amurat, the one person that can help her, has disappeared. Intuition says he’s used an ancient amulet to enter Duat, the Egyptian underworld, and it’s up to her and her friends to get him back safely.
But the rescue mission begins with an unexpected consequence—Benny’s death—and when Ra’s light temporarily revives him, there is only hours until his condition becomes permanent.
Larkin resolves to get Benny out of Duat alive and discovers she’s been lured into a trap by the nefarious Principal Reameny, a dark force disguised as a human with plans to overtake the sun god and rule Earth in eternal darkness and chaos.
Hindered by a dangerous, ever-changing landscape filled with destructive mythical creatures and guided by a shape-shifting cat, Larkin must develop her powers to defeat the true Principal Reameny, rescue Benny from Ammit, the soul eater, and overcome an unexpected betrayal by one of her own—all before the next sunrise.
Larkin Shift and The Hall of Two Truths is a 45,000 word middle grade novel and is the first in a planned series.
I have added a note that I plan to expand this out to be more than a stand-alone book, in spite of some online advice that warns against it. Any opinions on that?
Query - The kitty who lost her purr
Dear wise and powerful agent,
The little kitty named Buttons has lost her purr. She has not purred since she left the pet shelter, and she misses her purr very much. Buttons looks all over her new sunny room, trying to find her purr. She eats yummy food, takes a comfy nap and leaps on a toy mouse, but nothing helps her find her purr again.
The Little Kitty Who Lost Her Purr is the story of how Buttons finally finds her purr through the warm and loving companionship of a young girl. It is a 900 word picture book that will appeal to readers aged 2-5.
Through my research of agencies, I found that the "wise and powerful" agency is highly respected in the industry. I chose to submit to you specifically because you stated in your bio that you love picture books that are real and storytime-ready, so The Little Kitty Who Lost her Purr would be a good fit.
I am not previously published; this is my first book for children.
As requested, the full text of the picture book is pasted below.
Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Me
The little kitty named Buttons has lost her purr. She has not purred since she left the pet shelter, and she misses her purr very much. Buttons looks all over her new sunny room, trying to find her purr. She eats yummy food, takes a comfy nap and leaps on a toy mouse, but nothing helps her find her purr again.
The Little Kitty Who Lost Her Purr is the story of how Buttons finally finds her purr through the warm and loving companionship of a young girl. It is a 900 word picture book that will appeal to readers aged 2-5.
Through my research of agencies, I found that the "wise and powerful" agency is highly respected in the industry. I chose to submit to you specifically because you stated in your bio that you love picture books that are real and storytime-ready, so The Little Kitty Who Lost her Purr would be a good fit.
I am not previously published; this is my first book for children.
As requested, the full text of the picture book is pasted below.
Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Me
Mar 27, 2009
LAZY CATS (Revision 2)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear XXXXX,
LAZY CATS is a 60,000 word, work of Women’s fiction.
Just Maggie’s luck! Seven years in a comfortable marriage, one night of shamefully exciting sex, then poof, her husband’s gone without an explanation.
Author Maggie Weather’s had no idea her husband Chris had been secretly reading about Sarah.
“An undemanding woman, content living in the shadow of her puffed up husband, keeping a clean house, being the ideal wife, Sarah loses herself and gives up her dream of becoming a famous writer. But when her selfish husband goes too far, stepping out on her, Sarah cleverly plots his murder. Mouse poison should take care of a rat.”
Maggie and Sarah have a lot in common. The women even write alike. There is one big difference though, Maggie is real and Sarah is only a figment of Maggie’s imagination. But both women scare the hell out of their cheating husbands.
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear XXXXX,
LAZY CATS is a 60,000 word, work of Women’s fiction.
Just Maggie’s luck! Seven years in a comfortable marriage, one night of shamefully exciting sex, then poof, her husband’s gone without an explanation.
Author Maggie Weather’s had no idea her husband Chris had been secretly reading about Sarah.
“An undemanding woman, content living in the shadow of her puffed up husband, keeping a clean house, being the ideal wife, Sarah loses herself and gives up her dream of becoming a famous writer. But when her selfish husband goes too far, stepping out on her, Sarah cleverly plots his murder. Mouse poison should take care of a rat.”
Maggie and Sarah have a lot in common. The women even write alike. There is one big difference though, Maggie is real and Sarah is only a figment of Maggie’s imagination. But both women scare the hell out of their cheating husbands.
Mar 26, 2009
How to Calculate Your Luck
Here's a query tip for you. We all know that there are many extenuating factors that impact our search for representation and publication, and at the end of the day, one of those biggest factors is luck.
Now, this begs the question: How do you know if you are lucky (or unlucky, as it may be)?
Here are several equations to calculate the luck factor in getting published. They use the following variables:
N= Good Luck
X= Bad Luck
D= Dumb Luck
Q= Query
A= Agent Preferences
P= Publishing Industry Demands
C= Contract
So therefore, if Q=(A*P) then N should result, yielding C.
However, if Q+P is not equal to A, then X. Also, if Q+A=C but is not equal to P, then X.
Of course there may be variations on this logic, such as if Q<(A*P) but the result is C, then D, pure and simple.
So you see, it's all very straightforward. N to all of you!
#
Now, this begs the question: How do you know if you are lucky (or unlucky, as it may be)?
Here are several equations to calculate the luck factor in getting published. They use the following variables:
N= Good Luck
X= Bad Luck
D= Dumb Luck
Q= Query
A= Agent Preferences
P= Publishing Industry Demands
C= Contract
So therefore, if Q=(A*P) then N should result, yielding C.
However, if Q+P is not equal to A, then X. Also, if Q+A=C but is not equal to P, then X.
Of course there may be variations on this logic, such as if Q<(A*P) but the result is C, then D, pure and simple.
So you see, it's all very straightforward. N to all of you!
#
Query - Embrol (Revision 1)
Click Here to read the original query.
Olivia Ryan doesn’t know she’s a guardian of Earth. She doesn’t even know she’s not human.
After nearly dying in the car accident that takes her mother’s life, Olivia just wants her normal, happy life back. Jack Ellis, the new boy at school who is responsible for the accident, only compounds her pain. She feels drawn to him for reasons she cannot explain, but his revelation that she is an alien from the planet Hielos is difficult to accept. Despite Olivia’s conflicted desire to ignore him, her mother’s journal confirms her alien ancestry, and she learns that, like Jack, she has been endowed with many alien abilities.
Even after discovering she can control at least one of the five elements, Olivia resists the idea that she could be any kind of superhero. When a rogue Hielosian threatens her life and almost kills her friend, she is forced to accept the responsibility. With Jack’s help, she must find a way to stop the homicidal alien before he hurts anyone else. In the midst of all of this, Olivia struggles to understand her feelings for Jack and fights against the only thing she knows for certain--they belong together.
EMBROL, complete at 111,000 words, is a work of YA Science Fiction. While it is a standalone novel, the potential is there to extend it to a three book series. This is my first novel.
Olivia Ryan doesn’t know she’s a guardian of Earth. She doesn’t even know she’s not human.
After nearly dying in the car accident that takes her mother’s life, Olivia just wants her normal, happy life back. Jack Ellis, the new boy at school who is responsible for the accident, only compounds her pain. She feels drawn to him for reasons she cannot explain, but his revelation that she is an alien from the planet Hielos is difficult to accept. Despite Olivia’s conflicted desire to ignore him, her mother’s journal confirms her alien ancestry, and she learns that, like Jack, she has been endowed with many alien abilities.
Even after discovering she can control at least one of the five elements, Olivia resists the idea that she could be any kind of superhero. When a rogue Hielosian threatens her life and almost kills her friend, she is forced to accept the responsibility. With Jack’s help, she must find a way to stop the homicidal alien before he hurts anyone else. In the midst of all of this, Olivia struggles to understand her feelings for Jack and fights against the only thing she knows for certain--they belong together.
EMBROL, complete at 111,000 words, is a work of YA Science Fiction. While it is a standalone novel, the potential is there to extend it to a three book series. This is my first novel.
REVISION 1-Query-Larkin Shift and the Hall of Two Truths
Click here to read the original query.
A second revision of this query has been posted. Click here to read it.
Agent information,
Larkin Shift doesn’t want to be different. She doesn’t want to develop her magical powers, but they seem to have a mind of their own. She feels like a danger to everyone around her and the one person that can help her, Mr. Amurat has disappeared into Duat, the Egyptian underworld, leaving it up to her and her three friends to get him back safely. But the rescue mission comes with an unexpected consequence—one of their deaths.
As the myth goes, Ra travels through Duat at night reviving the recently deceased to make their journey to final judgment. When Ra’s light temporarily revives Benny, Larkin’s deceased friend, he has only hours until his condition becomes permanent unless she uses her unique abilities to make it to the Hall of Two Truths where she must face an omnipotent nemesis, thwart a plot against her, and overcome an unexpected betrayal—all before the next sunrise.
“Larkin Shift and the Hall of Two Truths” is a 45,000 word middle grade novel. Thank you for your consideration.
Thanks to the couple of people who left comments. I would love to hear if you feel this is more clear than the previous version because I definitely don't want to lose a potential agent because of confusion. I'm really glad I posted.
As for the change from YA/middle grade, I am really targeting the early teens (12, 13) and am having a hard time differentiating. Some sources say the genre is based on the age of the main character (13, in my case), but, to me, the story feels like intelligent middle grade.
A second revision of this query has been posted. Click here to read it.
Agent information,
Larkin Shift doesn’t want to be different. She doesn’t want to develop her magical powers, but they seem to have a mind of their own. She feels like a danger to everyone around her and the one person that can help her, Mr. Amurat has disappeared into Duat, the Egyptian underworld, leaving it up to her and her three friends to get him back safely. But the rescue mission comes with an unexpected consequence—one of their deaths.
As the myth goes, Ra travels through Duat at night reviving the recently deceased to make their journey to final judgment. When Ra’s light temporarily revives Benny, Larkin’s deceased friend, he has only hours until his condition becomes permanent unless she uses her unique abilities to make it to the Hall of Two Truths where she must face an omnipotent nemesis, thwart a plot against her, and overcome an unexpected betrayal—all before the next sunrise.
“Larkin Shift and the Hall of Two Truths” is a 45,000 word middle grade novel. Thank you for your consideration.
Thanks to the couple of people who left comments. I would love to hear if you feel this is more clear than the previous version because I definitely don't want to lose a potential agent because of confusion. I'm really glad I posted.
As for the change from YA/middle grade, I am really targeting the early teens (12, 13) and am having a hard time differentiating. Some sources say the genre is based on the age of the main character (13, in my case), but, to me, the story feels like intelligent middle grade.
Mar 25, 2009
SUCCESSFUL QUERY! THE PANAMA HOTEL
I have recieved permisson through an intermediary to post the following query by author Jamie Ford. This was posted on Anita Laydon-Miller's Blog, and both the author and agent have agreed to let me post it here. The author signed with the agent, and the agent sold the book, which is what we all yearn for. Presumably, they are all living happily ever after!
- Rick Daley
Dear Ms. Nelson:
I must admit I hate Asian stereotypes. You know the ones. Good at math. Hardworking. We all look alike. Come to think of it, that last one might hold water. After all, my father once wore a button that read “I am Chinese,” while growing up in Seattle’s Chinatown during WWII. It was the only thing that separated him from the Japanese, at least in the eyes of his Caucasian neighbors.
Sad, but true. Which is probably why my novel has a little to do with that particular piece of history.
Anyway, the working title is The Panama Hotel, and when people ask me what the heck it’s all about I usually tell them this: “It’s the story of the Japanese internment in Seattle, seen through the eyes of a 12-year-old Chinese boy, who is sent to an all-white private school, where he falls in love with a 12-year-old Japanese girl.”
But it’s more complicated than that. It’s a bittersweet tale about racism, commitment and enduring hope––a noble romantic journey set in 1942, and later in 1986 when the belongings of 37 Japanese families were discovered in the basement of a condemned hotel.
This historical fiction novel is based on my Glimmer Train story, I Am Chinese, which was a Top 25 Finalist in their Fall 2006 Short-Story Competition For New Writers. An excerpt was also published in the Picolata Review.
Think Amy Tan, but with a sweeter aftertaste. Thank you for your consideration and time, Jamie Ford
- Rick Daley
Dear Ms. Nelson:
I must admit I hate Asian stereotypes. You know the ones. Good at math. Hardworking. We all look alike. Come to think of it, that last one might hold water. After all, my father once wore a button that read “I am Chinese,” while growing up in Seattle’s Chinatown during WWII. It was the only thing that separated him from the Japanese, at least in the eyes of his Caucasian neighbors.
Sad, but true. Which is probably why my novel has a little to do with that particular piece of history.
Anyway, the working title is The Panama Hotel, and when people ask me what the heck it’s all about I usually tell them this: “It’s the story of the Japanese internment in Seattle, seen through the eyes of a 12-year-old Chinese boy, who is sent to an all-white private school, where he falls in love with a 12-year-old Japanese girl.”
But it’s more complicated than that. It’s a bittersweet tale about racism, commitment and enduring hope––a noble romantic journey set in 1942, and later in 1986 when the belongings of 37 Japanese families were discovered in the basement of a condemned hotel.
This historical fiction novel is based on my Glimmer Train story, I Am Chinese, which was a Top 25 Finalist in their Fall 2006 Short-Story Competition For New Writers. An excerpt was also published in the Picolata Review.
Think Amy Tan, but with a sweeter aftertaste. Thank you for your consideration and time, Jamie Ford
Query--Larkin Shift and the Hall of Two Truths
A revision of this query has been posted. Click here to read it.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Intro
Larkin Shift is in danger, threatened by innate magical powers with a mind of their own and helpless without Mr. Amurat’s expert guidance. Aided by an ancient amulet, Mr. Amurat has gone to the underworld to retrieve his deceased wife and daughter and it’s up to Larkin, Caitlin, Benny, and Trent to get him back safely. But her rescue mission comes with an unexpected consequence—Benny’s death.
A mythical revival puts Benny up against dwindling mortality with only hours until his condition becomes permanent unless Larkin embraces her unique abilities and makes it to the Hall of Two Truths where she must defeat an omnipotent nemesis, thwart a plot against her, and overcome an unexpected betrayal—all before the next sunrise.
“Larkin Shift and the Hall of Two Truths” is a 45,000 word young adult novel.
Thanks to everyone for feedback!
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Intro
Larkin Shift is in danger, threatened by innate magical powers with a mind of their own and helpless without Mr. Amurat’s expert guidance. Aided by an ancient amulet, Mr. Amurat has gone to the underworld to retrieve his deceased wife and daughter and it’s up to Larkin, Caitlin, Benny, and Trent to get him back safely. But her rescue mission comes with an unexpected consequence—Benny’s death.
A mythical revival puts Benny up against dwindling mortality with only hours until his condition becomes permanent unless Larkin embraces her unique abilities and makes it to the Hall of Two Truths where she must defeat an omnipotent nemesis, thwart a plot against her, and overcome an unexpected betrayal—all before the next sunrise.
“Larkin Shift and the Hall of Two Truths” is a 45,000 word young adult novel.
Thanks to everyone for feedback!
QUERY: EDEN'S KILLERS
Dear Agent,
In the city of Eden Island, there are only three types of people: pedestrians, assassins, and the men who hire the assassins. Rita Jennison is an assassin. One of the best in a city divided in two by rivaling families.
Rita knows that there are five rules to being a hired killer, but when her daughter’s school bus is caught in-between a crossfire, she decides that she has to break one of these rules to protect her daughter. The consequence for breaking a rule: death. Her actions cause the six assassin companies to send their best killer after her, each one more deadly than the next. With her daughter in hand, Rita must escape the very city she was born in before it becomes her grave.
EDEN’S KILLERS is a 140,000 word novel.
0 Prelude to a Death
The bullets entered Rita like the fangs of a snake into a rat. She had watched the act of nature many times before on T.V and not once did she feel sympathy for the rat. Not once! Instead, she figured that’s the way things go and how they happen. Now, though, she felt sympathy for the rat. She now knew how it felt to have the snake’s fangs digging deep into her stomach.
Rita collapsed to knees, clutching her stomach. She could feel the blood trickle down through the cracks in her fingers, and she clutched tighter, thinking that somehow the bleeding would magically stop. It wasn’t stopping. She could still feel it. As she closed her eyes, she could feel the tears fall, and she opened them just in time to watch them splash against the park grass below her. It was the first time she had ever cried, and it was beautiful. They were little droplets of life, her life, escaping from her body, and as they splashed against the cold earth, they disappeared into the soil, as if they were dying with her right then and there.
Someone was coming. Rita could hear the grass crunch beneath slow moving footsteps. Her breaths began to quicken, a hurricane of wind passing through her lips and melding with the night air. It was beautiful, and it hurt. Every breath felt as if it was pushing the bullet deeper and deeper into her stomach, like some deranged acupuncture. A pair of black shoes stopped right under her eyes, looking proud to be standing where she was dying.
“It’s a beautiful night, isn’t it?” a man’s voice said peacefully, yet sounding tired and raspy. “There aren’t many nights like this. You picked a goodnight to die.” He reached down and cupped her chin and lifted her head up, showing her the sky above where stars glittered against the black backdrop.
He was right: it was an amazing fall night. He bent down to get a better look at her, a few tears trying to escape her eyes before it was too late. The man’s brown eyes were barely visible under the covers of the night. But she was well acquainted with him and his eyes. A coconut aroma wafted of his hand.
“Your hand smells good.”“You simply amaze me, Rita. Even when you’re dying, you’re still observant.”Rita laughed. Not observant enough, she told herself. The pain in her stomach immediately came back. “Well, Marshall,” she said, wincing at the pain, “aren’t you going to kill me?”
Marshall ran his hand through her black hair, admiring the beauty of his kill. Rita looked up and stared. Her killer was handsome, and in some strange, twisted way that sounded romantic to her. Rita took her hand away from her stomach and touched the side of his face, leaving strawberry colored fingerprints on his face. With his other hand, he took Rita’s hand—caringly, not threateningly—and placed it back over her wound.
Standing up, Marshall looked away from her and reached into his coat and pulled out his Browning Hi-Powered pistol. But for the brief second he turned away, Rita made her move. She reached into her coat and pulled out her pistol. She pulled her coat across her body and pressed the barrel of her pistol against the inside of her coat.
The barrel of his gun lined up between her eyes, causing her to go cross-eyed for a brief second as her eyes searched in the darkness for the metal pill inside. She kept her finger on the trigger, waiting for the right moment to pull it.
“I’m sorry, Rita,” Marshall said. “I hope you’re not mad, but it’s just business. You know that. If it were me, I would want you to be my killer.”
Rita smiled. “I know. I’m glad it’s you.”
“Me too,” he replied. “But in the end, one of us has to go.”
“You’re right. One of us has to go.”
Then there was loud crack! and a brief flash of light illuminated a small part of the fall night.
In the city of Eden Island, there are only three types of people: pedestrians, assassins, and the men who hire the assassins. Rita Jennison is an assassin. One of the best in a city divided in two by rivaling families.
Rita knows that there are five rules to being a hired killer, but when her daughter’s school bus is caught in-between a crossfire, she decides that she has to break one of these rules to protect her daughter. The consequence for breaking a rule: death. Her actions cause the six assassin companies to send their best killer after her, each one more deadly than the next. With her daughter in hand, Rita must escape the very city she was born in before it becomes her grave.
EDEN’S KILLERS is a 140,000 word novel.
0 Prelude to a Death
The bullets entered Rita like the fangs of a snake into a rat. She had watched the act of nature many times before on T.V and not once did she feel sympathy for the rat. Not once! Instead, she figured that’s the way things go and how they happen. Now, though, she felt sympathy for the rat. She now knew how it felt to have the snake’s fangs digging deep into her stomach.
Rita collapsed to knees, clutching her stomach. She could feel the blood trickle down through the cracks in her fingers, and she clutched tighter, thinking that somehow the bleeding would magically stop. It wasn’t stopping. She could still feel it. As she closed her eyes, she could feel the tears fall, and she opened them just in time to watch them splash against the park grass below her. It was the first time she had ever cried, and it was beautiful. They were little droplets of life, her life, escaping from her body, and as they splashed against the cold earth, they disappeared into the soil, as if they were dying with her right then and there.
Someone was coming. Rita could hear the grass crunch beneath slow moving footsteps. Her breaths began to quicken, a hurricane of wind passing through her lips and melding with the night air. It was beautiful, and it hurt. Every breath felt as if it was pushing the bullet deeper and deeper into her stomach, like some deranged acupuncture. A pair of black shoes stopped right under her eyes, looking proud to be standing where she was dying.
“It’s a beautiful night, isn’t it?” a man’s voice said peacefully, yet sounding tired and raspy. “There aren’t many nights like this. You picked a goodnight to die.” He reached down and cupped her chin and lifted her head up, showing her the sky above where stars glittered against the black backdrop.
He was right: it was an amazing fall night. He bent down to get a better look at her, a few tears trying to escape her eyes before it was too late. The man’s brown eyes were barely visible under the covers of the night. But she was well acquainted with him and his eyes. A coconut aroma wafted of his hand.
“Your hand smells good.”“You simply amaze me, Rita. Even when you’re dying, you’re still observant.”Rita laughed. Not observant enough, she told herself. The pain in her stomach immediately came back. “Well, Marshall,” she said, wincing at the pain, “aren’t you going to kill me?”
Marshall ran his hand through her black hair, admiring the beauty of his kill. Rita looked up and stared. Her killer was handsome, and in some strange, twisted way that sounded romantic to her. Rita took her hand away from her stomach and touched the side of his face, leaving strawberry colored fingerprints on his face. With his other hand, he took Rita’s hand—caringly, not threateningly—and placed it back over her wound.
Standing up, Marshall looked away from her and reached into his coat and pulled out his Browning Hi-Powered pistol. But for the brief second he turned away, Rita made her move. She reached into her coat and pulled out her pistol. She pulled her coat across her body and pressed the barrel of her pistol against the inside of her coat.
The barrel of his gun lined up between her eyes, causing her to go cross-eyed for a brief second as her eyes searched in the darkness for the metal pill inside. She kept her finger on the trigger, waiting for the right moment to pull it.
“I’m sorry, Rita,” Marshall said. “I hope you’re not mad, but it’s just business. You know that. If it were me, I would want you to be my killer.”
Rita smiled. “I know. I’m glad it’s you.”
“Me too,” he replied. “But in the end, one of us has to go.”
“You’re right. One of us has to go.”
Then there was loud crack! and a brief flash of light illuminated a small part of the fall night.
Query- Dreaming Dark (Revision 1)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Agent,
Meredith is convinced she's a normal seventeen year-old, until smouldering but silently threatening Eirich moves into her northern Ontario town.
The problem with Eirich's arrival is that whenever they touch - which isn't nearly as often as Meredith would like – she is filled with a strange and tempting feeling of power. Meredith can't even figure out why she gets these feelings, let alone explain them to anyone. So when her best friend Ally falls hard for Eirich, Meredith decides it would be best to stay away from both of them.
To escape Ally and Eirich, Meredith starts spending time at the cottage left to her by her mother. She quickly discovers that it comes with unexpected magical protection, and learns that she's so far from normal, she's supernatural: the last member of an ancient race with the power to control and create dreams. Meredith's mother starts visiting her dreams to teach her to use these powers, but Meredith, unable to control her new strength, starts pulling wild, violent dream magic into the real world. Worse, Eirich needs Meredith's powers to revive his own ancient race, the dark counterpart to Meredith's, and he's taken Ally to get to her.
Meredith is left with a choice. If she doesn't fight Eirich with her fledging dream magic, he'll try to use his own powers to trap Ally in her dreams, feeding off her emotions and growing with power until he and his ancestors can take over the world. If she does fight, she might be able to stop him and save Ally. But if she succumbs to his dark strength and joins him they can rule together, and Meredith will be filled with the power for which she longs.
DREAMING DARK is a work of YA urban fantasy, complete at 57 000 words.Thank you for your time and consideration.
Dear Agent,
Meredith is convinced she's a normal seventeen year-old, until smouldering but silently threatening Eirich moves into her northern Ontario town.
The problem with Eirich's arrival is that whenever they touch - which isn't nearly as often as Meredith would like – she is filled with a strange and tempting feeling of power. Meredith can't even figure out why she gets these feelings, let alone explain them to anyone. So when her best friend Ally falls hard for Eirich, Meredith decides it would be best to stay away from both of them.
To escape Ally and Eirich, Meredith starts spending time at the cottage left to her by her mother. She quickly discovers that it comes with unexpected magical protection, and learns that she's so far from normal, she's supernatural: the last member of an ancient race with the power to control and create dreams. Meredith's mother starts visiting her dreams to teach her to use these powers, but Meredith, unable to control her new strength, starts pulling wild, violent dream magic into the real world. Worse, Eirich needs Meredith's powers to revive his own ancient race, the dark counterpart to Meredith's, and he's taken Ally to get to her.
Meredith is left with a choice. If she doesn't fight Eirich with her fledging dream magic, he'll try to use his own powers to trap Ally in her dreams, feeding off her emotions and growing with power until he and his ancestors can take over the world. If she does fight, she might be able to stop him and save Ally. But if she succumbs to his dark strength and joins him they can rule together, and Meredith will be filled with the power for which she longs.
DREAMING DARK is a work of YA urban fantasy, complete at 57 000 words.Thank you for your time and consideration.
Mar 24, 2009
Query - Embrol
A revision of this query has been posted. Click here to read it.
Olivia Ryan doesn’t know she’s a guardian of Earth. She doesn’t even know she’s not human.
After a car accident nearly kills her and takes her mother from her on her eighteenth birthday, she longs to find peace in an uncertain future. Jack Ellis, the new boy at school who is responsible for the accident, only compounds her pain. She feels drawn to him for reasons she cannot explain, but his revelation that she is an alien from the planet Hielos is difficult for her to believe. Despite her conflicted desire to ignore him and get on with her life, her mother’s journal confirms her alien ancestry, and she discovers that, like Jack, she has been endowed with many alien abilities.
She resists the idea that she could be any kind of superhero, but the appearance of a rogue Hielosian forces her to accept the responsibility. When he almost kills her friend and threatens her life, she, with Jack’s help, must find a way to stop him before he does any more damage. In the midst of all of this, she struggles to understand her feelings for Jack and fights against the only thing in her life that she knows for certain--they belong together.
EMBROL, complete at 111,000 words, is a work of YA Science Fiction. While it is a standalone novel, the potential is there to extend it to a three book series.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
1 Eighteen
“Good morning, birthday girl!”
I forced my eyes open and groaned. My mother had the video camera pointed right at my face.
“Go away.” I covered my head with my pillow. “It’s not even light outside yet.”
She ignored me, just like she did every year. “On this day, eighteen years ago, Olivia Noelle Ryan was born to Thomas and Lily Ryan in the great state of Arizona. And there was rejoicing throughout the land!” This was her favorite and most annoying birthday ritual. “Today she is officially an adult. Would you like to add anything, Livy?”
“For once, could you just let me sleep in on my birthday?” I lifted the pillow and opened one eye. “In fact, in celebration of the joyous occasion, I should probably just stay home from school. Turn the light off on your way out.” I waved my hand toward the door, letting the pillow drop back down on my head.
“Don’t be a spoilsport, Livy.” She laughed as she pulled the blanket off of me.
I reached for it too late, and it fell to the floor at the end of my bed. “Hey, it’s freezing!”
She gave me a quick swat on my backside. “Come on, time to get up. You’re going to be late for school.” Her voice still rang with laughter. “Being an adult means being responsible.”
“Seriously, Mom. Are you starting on that already?” I pushed myself up to a seated position and rubbed my eyes with the heels of my hands. I wondered if she had increased the wattage in my light so she would have better lighting for her little show. “Will you please turn that stupid thing off?”
“You used to love this part of your birthday.” There was a slight downturn to her lips as she turned the camera off, but her ever present smile returned quickly. “I made you some birthday French toast, if you’re interested.”
I covered a yawn with my hand. “Tell me again. What makes it birthday French toast?”
“Because I made it on your birthday, silly girl.” She bent to kiss me on the forehead. “Don’t be too long. It’s getting cold.”
“Thanks, Mom.” I tried to smile as she turned to leave. “I’ll be down in a few minutes.”
I stumbled to the bathroom and examined my face in the mirror. I didn’t look any different. Not that I’d really expected to, but there had been a lot of build up to this day. It just seemed like there should be some noticeable difference.
I flipped off the bathroom light and followed the smell of French toast down the stairs, listening to the sound of my mother’s cheerful whistling. I stood in the doorway and watched her as she danced about the kitchen. I often wished I could be more like her, so happy all the time.
We were similar in some ways. I inherited my wavy golden-brown hair and blue eyes from her, but regardless of the countless times I had been told that I look like her, that’s where the similarities ended. She was much more petite, barely reaching five feet tall, and she was exceptionally beautiful, with small, delicate features. Despite being in her forties, she looked like she belonged in a college dorm rather than the mother of someone who would soon be there. Strangers often accused her of being my stunning older sister.
She turned to me and smiled. “Oh, there you are. Everything’s on the table.”
I sat down in my usual spot in the curve of the bay window. “Thanks for breakfast, Mom. Are you sure you don’t want me to stay home today? You could call in sick and we could go shopping.”
“Sorry, Livy. You know I can’t call in sick on a Monday. Besides, you have finals coming up. You shouldn’t be missing school right now.”
“Fine, I guess you’re right. But I don’t think missing one day would make that much difference.”
“I’ll make it up to you tonight. Maybe I can get off work a little bit early and we can go shopping before we go to dinner. How does that sound?”
“Okay, that’ll be fun.” Not exactly what I was hoping for, but it was better than nothing.
“You better hurry, Livy.” She pointed at the clock with her fork. “Amber’s going to be here in less than fifteen minutes.”
I swallowed my last bite of French toast. “Thanks again for breakfast. Love you, Mom.” I gave her a quick hug before heading upstairs to get ready for school.
She’d already left for work when I came back downstairs, but she left me a note on the front door.
Happy Birthday, Livy! Have a great day!
Love, Mom
I smiled as I shoved the note in my pocket and opened the front door. Amber wasn’t there yet. A quick look at the clock told me I was running even further behind than I thought. She was almost twenty minutes late, and thanks to her ability to drive like a deranged lunatic, Amber was never late. I pulled my phone out to call her and she honked. Somewhat relieved, I ran out to meet her.
“Hey, Livy! Happy birthday!”
“Thanks, Amber.”
“Sorry I’m late.” She tossed her ginger curls with a flip of her head. “Devan thought it would be fun to play hide and seek with my keys this morning. I finally found them in his toy box.” She flashed a metallic grin that I think was supposed to be sinister, but it only emphasized the cute dimples in her freckled cheeks. She always said they made her look like a little kid, but she just wouldn’t be Amber without them. “My mom wouldn’t let me choke him, but that’s probably good since it would have taken more time. Don’t worry. I’ll get us there on time.”
“Oh, good.” That’s precisely what I was worried about. I would rather walk the three miles to school on the hottest day of the summer, than be in a vehicle with Amber when she’s running behind. Best friend or not, her driving terrified me.
I made a mental note to bug my mom again about getting a car--if I lived long enough.
Olivia Ryan doesn’t know she’s a guardian of Earth. She doesn’t even know she’s not human.
After a car accident nearly kills her and takes her mother from her on her eighteenth birthday, she longs to find peace in an uncertain future. Jack Ellis, the new boy at school who is responsible for the accident, only compounds her pain. She feels drawn to him for reasons she cannot explain, but his revelation that she is an alien from the planet Hielos is difficult for her to believe. Despite her conflicted desire to ignore him and get on with her life, her mother’s journal confirms her alien ancestry, and she discovers that, like Jack, she has been endowed with many alien abilities.
She resists the idea that she could be any kind of superhero, but the appearance of a rogue Hielosian forces her to accept the responsibility. When he almost kills her friend and threatens her life, she, with Jack’s help, must find a way to stop him before he does any more damage. In the midst of all of this, she struggles to understand her feelings for Jack and fights against the only thing in her life that she knows for certain--they belong together.
EMBROL, complete at 111,000 words, is a work of YA Science Fiction. While it is a standalone novel, the potential is there to extend it to a three book series.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
1 Eighteen
“Good morning, birthday girl!”
I forced my eyes open and groaned. My mother had the video camera pointed right at my face.
“Go away.” I covered my head with my pillow. “It’s not even light outside yet.”
She ignored me, just like she did every year. “On this day, eighteen years ago, Olivia Noelle Ryan was born to Thomas and Lily Ryan in the great state of Arizona. And there was rejoicing throughout the land!” This was her favorite and most annoying birthday ritual. “Today she is officially an adult. Would you like to add anything, Livy?”
“For once, could you just let me sleep in on my birthday?” I lifted the pillow and opened one eye. “In fact, in celebration of the joyous occasion, I should probably just stay home from school. Turn the light off on your way out.” I waved my hand toward the door, letting the pillow drop back down on my head.
“Don’t be a spoilsport, Livy.” She laughed as she pulled the blanket off of me.
I reached for it too late, and it fell to the floor at the end of my bed. “Hey, it’s freezing!”
She gave me a quick swat on my backside. “Come on, time to get up. You’re going to be late for school.” Her voice still rang with laughter. “Being an adult means being responsible.”
“Seriously, Mom. Are you starting on that already?” I pushed myself up to a seated position and rubbed my eyes with the heels of my hands. I wondered if she had increased the wattage in my light so she would have better lighting for her little show. “Will you please turn that stupid thing off?”
“You used to love this part of your birthday.” There was a slight downturn to her lips as she turned the camera off, but her ever present smile returned quickly. “I made you some birthday French toast, if you’re interested.”
I covered a yawn with my hand. “Tell me again. What makes it birthday French toast?”
“Because I made it on your birthday, silly girl.” She bent to kiss me on the forehead. “Don’t be too long. It’s getting cold.”
“Thanks, Mom.” I tried to smile as she turned to leave. “I’ll be down in a few minutes.”
I stumbled to the bathroom and examined my face in the mirror. I didn’t look any different. Not that I’d really expected to, but there had been a lot of build up to this day. It just seemed like there should be some noticeable difference.
I flipped off the bathroom light and followed the smell of French toast down the stairs, listening to the sound of my mother’s cheerful whistling. I stood in the doorway and watched her as she danced about the kitchen. I often wished I could be more like her, so happy all the time.
We were similar in some ways. I inherited my wavy golden-brown hair and blue eyes from her, but regardless of the countless times I had been told that I look like her, that’s where the similarities ended. She was much more petite, barely reaching five feet tall, and she was exceptionally beautiful, with small, delicate features. Despite being in her forties, she looked like she belonged in a college dorm rather than the mother of someone who would soon be there. Strangers often accused her of being my stunning older sister.
She turned to me and smiled. “Oh, there you are. Everything’s on the table.”
I sat down in my usual spot in the curve of the bay window. “Thanks for breakfast, Mom. Are you sure you don’t want me to stay home today? You could call in sick and we could go shopping.”
“Sorry, Livy. You know I can’t call in sick on a Monday. Besides, you have finals coming up. You shouldn’t be missing school right now.”
“Fine, I guess you’re right. But I don’t think missing one day would make that much difference.”
“I’ll make it up to you tonight. Maybe I can get off work a little bit early and we can go shopping before we go to dinner. How does that sound?”
“Okay, that’ll be fun.” Not exactly what I was hoping for, but it was better than nothing.
“You better hurry, Livy.” She pointed at the clock with her fork. “Amber’s going to be here in less than fifteen minutes.”
I swallowed my last bite of French toast. “Thanks again for breakfast. Love you, Mom.” I gave her a quick hug before heading upstairs to get ready for school.
She’d already left for work when I came back downstairs, but she left me a note on the front door.
Happy Birthday, Livy! Have a great day!
Love, Mom
I smiled as I shoved the note in my pocket and opened the front door. Amber wasn’t there yet. A quick look at the clock told me I was running even further behind than I thought. She was almost twenty minutes late, and thanks to her ability to drive like a deranged lunatic, Amber was never late. I pulled my phone out to call her and she honked. Somewhat relieved, I ran out to meet her.
“Hey, Livy! Happy birthday!”
“Thanks, Amber.”
“Sorry I’m late.” She tossed her ginger curls with a flip of her head. “Devan thought it would be fun to play hide and seek with my keys this morning. I finally found them in his toy box.” She flashed a metallic grin that I think was supposed to be sinister, but it only emphasized the cute dimples in her freckled cheeks. She always said they made her look like a little kid, but she just wouldn’t be Amber without them. “My mom wouldn’t let me choke him, but that’s probably good since it would have taken more time. Don’t worry. I’ll get us there on time.”
“Oh, good.” That’s precisely what I was worried about. I would rather walk the three miles to school on the hottest day of the summer, than be in a vehicle with Amber when she’s running behind. Best friend or not, her driving terrified me.
I made a mental note to bug my mom again about getting a car--if I lived long enough.
Mar 23, 2009
QUERY- MENALI
Dear Agent,
One year—that’s all Anslem has before the deadly curse set upon him consumes and blackens his heart. War has defined him and his skill in battle has propelled him into a life full of wealth and power. Men respect him and women desire him. But he was loyal to his wife and desire could not change him. Of course, it was this loyalty that took his wife and placed this curse upon him.
When the goddess of desire tried to seduce Anslem, she was appalled to hear him turn her away in favor of his wife. Enraged, the goddess took Anslem’s wife away and imprisoned her where he would never find her. As he swore to the goddess that he would find and rescue his wife, she placed a curse on his heart to make sure he would never succeed. One year—that’s all Anslem has to find his wife and stop the curse before it consumes his heart entirely.
MENALI is a high fantasy epic inspired by THE ODYSSEY and the Greek myth of Orpheus and Eurydice in a fictional world with an ancient Greek setting.
One year—that’s all Anslem has before the deadly curse set upon him consumes and blackens his heart. War has defined him and his skill in battle has propelled him into a life full of wealth and power. Men respect him and women desire him. But he was loyal to his wife and desire could not change him. Of course, it was this loyalty that took his wife and placed this curse upon him.
When the goddess of desire tried to seduce Anslem, she was appalled to hear him turn her away in favor of his wife. Enraged, the goddess took Anslem’s wife away and imprisoned her where he would never find her. As he swore to the goddess that he would find and rescue his wife, she placed a curse on his heart to make sure he would never succeed. One year—that’s all Anslem has to find his wife and stop the curse before it consumes his heart entirely.
MENALI is a high fantasy epic inspired by THE ODYSSEY and the Greek myth of Orpheus and Eurydice in a fictional world with an ancient Greek setting.
REVISED QUERY - WHEN HEARTS CRY OUT
Click here to read the original query.
Dear (Agent’s Name):
If making women laugh and think were Olympic events, seventy-four-year-old Liz McCall would win the gold. If she could change anything about her life, she’d change damn near everything.
Born in Mississippi, divorced from several well-heeled Texans, and a source of wit, wisdom, and imperious advice for the black and white staff and clients at the salon, Liz takes a special interest in Leah Starks, a twenty-six-year-old whose life has been burdened by abandonment issues and doubts about her self-worth. When Leah’s emotionally distant mother is killed in an automobile accident, her life changes for the better after Liz unravels a family secret that lies in the spelling of Leah’s name. With her health deteriorating, and estranged from all but the youngest of her six sons, Liz has to decide to whom she will bequeath her wealth—if, when, and how she should reveal the family secret she has kept for almost fifty years—and how she will want her epitaph to read.
WHEN HEARTS CRY OUT, a 79,000-word novel written for the commercial and women’s fiction markets, centers on an agnostic beauty salon denizen, the influence she has on the lives of saints and sinners, and the six things in life that are free.
I hold a BBA from the University of Texas at Arlington. Privy to the humorous conversations, philosophical musings, and stories women tell while getting clipped, rolled, tinted, permed, manicured, and pedicured, I’ve had a standing Saturday appointment with the same hairstylist for twenty-five years and a standing appointment every other Saturday with the same nail technician for fifteen years.
Some of life’s greatest lessons and best kept secrets can be learned at the beauty salon.
I appreciate your time and consideration.
Regards,
R. Battles
Dear (Agent’s Name):
If making women laugh and think were Olympic events, seventy-four-year-old Liz McCall would win the gold. If she could change anything about her life, she’d change damn near everything.
Born in Mississippi, divorced from several well-heeled Texans, and a source of wit, wisdom, and imperious advice for the black and white staff and clients at the salon, Liz takes a special interest in Leah Starks, a twenty-six-year-old whose life has been burdened by abandonment issues and doubts about her self-worth. When Leah’s emotionally distant mother is killed in an automobile accident, her life changes for the better after Liz unravels a family secret that lies in the spelling of Leah’s name. With her health deteriorating, and estranged from all but the youngest of her six sons, Liz has to decide to whom she will bequeath her wealth—if, when, and how she should reveal the family secret she has kept for almost fifty years—and how she will want her epitaph to read.
WHEN HEARTS CRY OUT, a 79,000-word novel written for the commercial and women’s fiction markets, centers on an agnostic beauty salon denizen, the influence she has on the lives of saints and sinners, and the six things in life that are free.
I hold a BBA from the University of Texas at Arlington. Privy to the humorous conversations, philosophical musings, and stories women tell while getting clipped, rolled, tinted, permed, manicured, and pedicured, I’ve had a standing Saturday appointment with the same hairstylist for twenty-five years and a standing appointment every other Saturday with the same nail technician for fifteen years.
Some of life’s greatest lessons and best kept secrets can be learned at the beauty salon.
I appreciate your time and consideration.
Regards,
R. Battles
Mar 22, 2009
Angel Undercover (Revisions 2 & 3, Please Compare)
This query has been revised once before, and the author requests feedback comparing the revisions 2 and 3, posted here. Click here to read the original query. Click here to read the first revision.
Angel Undercover (Revision 2)
Dear Mr./Ms. Agentperson
A heart of gold and shy as a mouse. That was Paige Moss before the adventure that led to her save her city and become the hero no one, leastwise herself, ever thought she could be. A real angel undercover.
Getting kidnapped turns out to be the best thing to ever happen to Paige. She is taken from her dangerous city to the relative safety of an exotic rainforest, full of myth, magic, and adventure. She is joyously reunited with her missing older sister, Savannah, who arranged the abduction. And best of all, she seizes the chance to be something she’s not – brave like her heroes.
But all is not well in the forest paradise. Paige can’t understand why Savannah is acting so aloof or why she’s training an army and upsetting the locals. When Paige discovers that Savannah is working for Maisen, an ends-justify-the-means visionary, she becomes a threat and a target. After enduring harm to body and mind, Paige exposes Maisen, who flees into exile.
Weeks later, an entire city is leveled overnight by rogues. Positive Maisen is involved, Paige returns home to defend her turbulent city, a shy girl no longer. With her sister at her side, Paige expects one final showdown with the person she fears most, but it turns out that Maisen has become the victim of one of his own plans. The rogue firestorm he sparked is out of control and it’s up to Paige and her allies to stop it.
Angel Undercover is a YA fantasy and is complete at 90,000 words. It is the first in a planned quartet.
Kind Regards,
and
Angel Undercover (Revision 3)
Dear Mr./Ms. Agentperson
A heart of gold and shy as a mouse. That was Paige Moss before the adventure that led her to save her city and become the hero no one, leastwise herself, ever thought she could be. A real angel undercover.
Paige doesn’t know it yet, but she’s exactly the sort of person the angels are looking for. After she gets kidnapped by her own sister, Paige decides to make the best of the situation by emulating her favorite hero, putting on an unnatural bravado. At great personal cost, she hunts down and exposes the villain who’s been using her sister for his own underhanded means, validating the angels’ choice in her. She already had will to do what’s best for others, and now even she can’t deny that she’s shown the courage to follow through. In her foray far from home, Paige learns that shyness is not a state of existence, but a choice; that her character is really the sum of her actions. When her city is threatened, Paige returns, a shy girl no longer, and leads her allies to victory. The angels invite her to become a fledgling and she accepts. A millennia of serving others suits her new view of herself perfectly.
Angel Undercover is a YA fantasy and is complete at 90,000 words. It is the first in a planned quartet.
Kind Regards,
Angel Undercover (Revision 2)
Dear Mr./Ms. Agentperson
A heart of gold and shy as a mouse. That was Paige Moss before the adventure that led to her save her city and become the hero no one, leastwise herself, ever thought she could be. A real angel undercover.
Getting kidnapped turns out to be the best thing to ever happen to Paige. She is taken from her dangerous city to the relative safety of an exotic rainforest, full of myth, magic, and adventure. She is joyously reunited with her missing older sister, Savannah, who arranged the abduction. And best of all, she seizes the chance to be something she’s not – brave like her heroes.
But all is not well in the forest paradise. Paige can’t understand why Savannah is acting so aloof or why she’s training an army and upsetting the locals. When Paige discovers that Savannah is working for Maisen, an ends-justify-the-means visionary, she becomes a threat and a target. After enduring harm to body and mind, Paige exposes Maisen, who flees into exile.
Weeks later, an entire city is leveled overnight by rogues. Positive Maisen is involved, Paige returns home to defend her turbulent city, a shy girl no longer. With her sister at her side, Paige expects one final showdown with the person she fears most, but it turns out that Maisen has become the victim of one of his own plans. The rogue firestorm he sparked is out of control and it’s up to Paige and her allies to stop it.
Angel Undercover is a YA fantasy and is complete at 90,000 words. It is the first in a planned quartet.
Kind Regards,
and
Angel Undercover (Revision 3)
Dear Mr./Ms. Agentperson
A heart of gold and shy as a mouse. That was Paige Moss before the adventure that led her to save her city and become the hero no one, leastwise herself, ever thought she could be. A real angel undercover.
Paige doesn’t know it yet, but she’s exactly the sort of person the angels are looking for. After she gets kidnapped by her own sister, Paige decides to make the best of the situation by emulating her favorite hero, putting on an unnatural bravado. At great personal cost, she hunts down and exposes the villain who’s been using her sister for his own underhanded means, validating the angels’ choice in her. She already had will to do what’s best for others, and now even she can’t deny that she’s shown the courage to follow through. In her foray far from home, Paige learns that shyness is not a state of existence, but a choice; that her character is really the sum of her actions. When her city is threatened, Paige returns, a shy girl no longer, and leads her allies to victory. The angels invite her to become a fledgling and she accepts. A millennia of serving others suits her new view of herself perfectly.
Angel Undercover is a YA fantasy and is complete at 90,000 words. It is the first in a planned quartet.
Kind Regards,
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